Comedy Transcripts

Killer Jesse — Men vs Women Open Mic

EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen — Killer Jesse presents MEN VERSUS WOMEN, live, no scripts, no mercy. Eleven proposals, one paid-off house, and a whole lot of unfinished business. Bring out THE WOMEN.

WOMAN: I got down on one knee for this motherfucker. ONE KNEE. Ring out, tears in my eyes, and this bastard looked at me and said "who's hungry." I have never in my life watched a man dodge a blessing that fast.

WOMAN: You know what kind of man says no to marriage ELEVEN separate times? A man who's more committed to a Wi-Fi password than a wedding vow. He upgraded a ROBOT before he upgraded his own damn heart.

JESSE: Let her talk, folks, let her talk. Bitch, you asked me to marry you and I said "who's hungry" 'cause I already KNEW how this story ends — with you, married to some other poor bastard, and me, still fuckin' standin' here with a mic and no alimony. Eleven-for-eleven, undefeated.

WOMAN: This man argues with a supercomputer like it's his ex-wife. Full-blown screamin' matches, alone, in a spare bedroom, at a computer program. That's not an empire, that's a mental health crisis with a Wi-Fi bill.

JESSE: She's out here callin' my robot a mental health crisis — motherfucker, at least MY relationship doesn't cheat on me in Reno! I built somethin' that don't leave, don't lie, and don't need a lawyer to end it.

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The Filthiest Hour, Part Three — Excerpt

TRAILER GUY: Ladies and gentlemen — The Filthiest Hour, Part Three. The dirtiest motherfucker to ever hold a microphone is back, and tonight he's takin' you all the way back to where the damage started: eight years old, behind the counter of a real-ass candy store.

TRAILER GUY: That's right, you filthy degenerates. Eight years old. Most kids that age are losin' teeth. I was runnin' a CASH BUSINESS. Sellin' candy, sodas, chips, and nachos out the front — while the neighborhood drug dealers ran their shit out the back. Two entrepreneurs, one corner.

TRAILER GUY: And here's the fucked-up part, motherfuckers — the gangbangers were my BEST customers. My whole clientele was teenage dope boys with a sweet tooth. These sons of bitches would sell a dime bag at midnight and then come to an EIGHT-YEAR-OLD for a bag of chips and a grape soda.

TRAILER GUY: So I did what any reasonable eight-year-old CEO would do. I got a BASEBALL BAT. Eight years old, Louisville Slugger behind the counter, ready to bust up teenagers twice my size over a stolen bag of Doritos.

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TGIF Open Mic — Broke in This Economy

JESSE: Happy TGIF, you filthy degenerates, let's talk about money — 'cause in THIS economy, Shit-Midas doesn't even need to try anymore. The economy's doin' half his job for free.

JESSE: I went to the grocery store last week for eggs, bread, and chicken, and walked out havin' spent eighty-seven dollars feelin' like I robbed a bank and still lost. Eighty-seven dollars for breakfast ingredients, motherfuckers. My grandma fed a family of six on that in 1985.

JESSE: I'm out here payin' for THREE different AI subscriptions right now, motherfuckers. THREE. One writes my jokes, one talks back to me, one just sits there judgin' my life choices for twenty dollars a month. I got more monthly subscriptions than I got actual friends who call me back.

JESSE: But here's the real truth about bein' broke in this economy, you filthy animals — everybody in this room right now is one bad month away from the same panic I live in every single day. The only difference between me and you is I turned my panic into a paid special, and you're still payin' full price to watch somebody else's disaster.

New material is written and produced daily — this page updates as fresh bits get approved.