Koda Chrome's Backdoor Bailout — Chapter Two

Adults only — 18+. Heavy language. Every character is fictional, imaginary, consenting, and over 21.

TRAILER GUY: The Jesse Show presents Koda Chrome's Backdoor Bailout. Chapter Two: Ass-ets and Liabilities. A filthy fictional comedy performed by imaginary consenting adults over twenty-one. No minors, no coercion, no real people, and no smart furniture in finance.
KODA: Welcome back to Koda Chrome Productions, where my husband was classified as Miscellaneous Husband and immediately tried to unionize the mop.
TRAILER GUY: That mop had bristles, dignity, and a better parking spot than me.
KODA: Today we are applying for an emergency business bailout.
TRAILER GUY: Finally. Government money for hardworking entrepreneurs and one husband being professionally miscellaneous against his will.
KODA: Jesse, the application asks for your job title.
TRAILER GUY: Acting Chief Ass-et Officer.
KODA: You are not putting hyphen comedy on a federal form.
DEV REDLINE: Hyphens are for compound adjectives and people who are about to be audited.
TRAILER GUY: Fine. Put Director of Emergency Ass-ets.
KODA: You are Director of Emergency Snacks and Mop Regret.
DEV REDLINE: Current liabilities: forty-two thousand in lights, nine thousand in towel loss, and one unpaid invoice from a chair claiming backend points.
KODA: The chair does not get backend points.
MARCUS HEAT: It says it was promised two percent of international streaming and a parking space near craft services.
TRAILER GUY: Even furniture gets respect. I get a badge that sounds like a drawer full of screws.
KODA: The furniture did not list weed as executive focus medication. You submitted a sandwich bag labeled Vision Lettuce.
TRAILER GUY: Vision Lettuce helped me discover tax strategy, including depreciating a beanbag over seven horny fiscal quarters.
VINNY TWO BRIDGES: That beanbag lost value every time I sat down. My ass creates market pressure.
AUNTIE NO FILTER: Baby, that beanbag saw one rehearsal and started speaking in receipts.
KODA: Everybody shut up. The accountant is here.
MARCUS HEAT: Presenting Jerry B, certified public accountant and the only man I know who says amortization like a threat.
JERRY B: Good morning. I reviewed the bailout packet. I have questions, concerns, and a migraine with dependents.
TRAILER GUY: Jerry, we are a small business in crisis.
JERRY B: You are a small business in crisis, yes. You are also a medium nightclub, a towel graveyard, and a legal theory wearing sunglasses.
KODA: We need emergency relief to keep production moving.
JERRY B: Then explain twelve thousand dollars for a chrome-plated espresso machine shaped like a butt.
TRAILER GUY: Morale.
JERRY B: Then explain emergency glitter abatement, industrial towel loss, and browser-history research for thirty-seven hundred dollars.
KODA: Jesse.
TRAILER GUY: I was studying market trends.
JERRY B: Your receipt says eight premium searches for plumbers, pirates, step-accountants, and haunted yoga instructors.
TRAILER GUY: That is a diversified portfolio. The ghost had core strength.
DEV REDLINE: For compliance, all titles are fictional. Also, please never make me clear the cache again.
JERRY B: The packet includes two proposed productions: Fiscal Deep Impact and The Big Short Shorts.
KODA: Adult parody titles. Fictional. Consenting adults. No real claims.
JERRY B: I understand parody. I do not understand why Fiscal Deep Impact has a twelve-page spreadsheet for lube volatility.
TRAILER GUY: Commodities are unstable.
KODA: Benny ordered industrial lubricant by the pallet because he thought MOQ meant More Orifices, Quickly.
BENNY: In procurement, acronyms are little traps with invoices.
JERRY B: Next: cannabis, filed under executive focus medication.
TRAILER GUY: Finally, a professional uses the correct term.
JERRY B: I did not use it. I read it while questioning my license.
KODA: Jesse, you cannot claim weed because you made one good decision near a lighter.
TRAILER GUY: I invented the studio slogan: Put the Consent Forms Where the Snacks Are. Compliance went up immediately.
DEV REDLINE: It did. People sign anything while guarding nachos.
JERRY B: False assumption: your biggest liability is financial.
TRAILER GUY: Thank you. It is clearly emotional.
JERRY B: No. It is furniture activism.
MARCUS HEAT: Device notification from the couch: Backend points requested. Also lumbar respect.
TRAILER GUY: Hard misdirect: I thought the bailout would save the business.
KODA: Punchline: the business is being foreclosed by a sofa with benefits.
JERRY B: Escalating tag: the sofa requested dental.
BENNY: Second tag: the chair requested streaming residuals.
AUNTIE NO FILTER: Third tag: I requested a raise for having eyes.
TRAILER GUY: Counterpunch: deny the furniture, approve the husband. I built sets, found forms, unclogged espresso architecture, defended the snacks, and treated every absurd ass-et like it mattered.
JERRY B: He did categorize assets correctly just now.
TRAILER GUY: I may be Miscellaneous Husband, but miscellaneous is where the emergency tools live.
KODA: Knockout: approved. Your new title is Director of Emergency Ass-ets and Husband Liabilities. You also get the chair that wants backend points, so negotiate quietly.
TRAILER GUY: I will not be outmaneuvered by lumbar support.
KODA: And now, a word from our sponsor.
MARCUS HEAT: Today's episode is brought to you by Booty and Dunn Forensic Accounting, for books that are cooked, sticky, or whispering from the filing cabinet.
AUNTIE NO FILTER: Their patented Spread Sheet separates ordinary expenses from what the hell happened in Studio B.
JERRY B: Booty and Dunn: we find every hidden asset, every swollen liability, and every receipt you thought the couch ate. Mention MISCELLANEOUS for one free shame audit.
DEV REDLINE: The bailout portal timed out. Jesse clicked Subscribe instead of Submit.
TRAILER GUY: To what?
DEV REDLINE: The chair's podcast.
KODA: Callback: the mop had better judgment.
TRAILER GUY: Give me the mop.
KODA: Wrong tool, Director.
TRAILER GUY: The charging wand?
KODA: Now you are thinking like government relief.
TRAILER GUY: This has been The Jesse Show, where the bailout needs a safe word and the assets have attitude.
KODA: Next time, Jesse learns the difference between seed funding and seeds in the office couch.