Koda Chrome's Backdoor Bailout — Chapter One

Adults only — 18+. Heavy language. Every character is fictional, imaginary, consenting, and over 21.

TRAILER GUY: The Jesse Show presents Koda Chrome's Backdoor Bailout. Chapter One: Miscellaneous Husband. A filthy fictional comedy performed by imaginary consenting adults over twenty-one. Smoke responsibly, and keep weed away from contracts, machinery, and sexual activity.
KODA: Welcome to Koda Chrome Productions, where every ass has an agent and every agent has a wet wipe.
TRAILER GUY: Koda, this lobby is gorgeous. Chrome desk, velvet rope, espresso machine shaped like a butt. Where is my executive office?
KODA: Right through that door, husband.
TRAILER GUY: I knew it. Corner suite. Frosted glass. A leather chair that whispers, “Synergy, daddy.”
KODA: Nope. Janitor closet. Your badge is hanging on the mop.
TRAILER GUY: My badge says “Miscellaneous Husband.” Miscellaneous? I have been married with tremendous specificity.
KODA: It is a flexible role. Spouse, driver, emergency sandwich, stain historian, and the man who asks why the ring light smells like coconut lube.
TRAILER GUY: I expected chief operating officer.
KODA: You are chief of operating the mop.
TRAILER GUY: This mop has a better parking spot than me.
KODA: The mop showed up sober and did not pitch a movie called “Bong With the Wind.”
VINNY TWO BRIDGES: Morning, executives. Koda, the smart casting couch is asking about its stock options.
TRAILER GUY: The couch has stock options?
KODA: Four percent vested over two years, plus dental.
TRAILER GUY: A couch has teeth?
VINNY TWO BRIDGES: After last Tuesday, we stopped asking.
TRAILER GUY: I get a mop while furniture gets equity. That couch spent all morning supporting asses. I have supported this company since breakfast.
KODA: The couch has lumbar support. You have theories about nachos.
TRAILER GUY: My nacho theories generated measurable crunch.
KODA: They generated a fire alarm and one frightened intern named Gary, who is forty-three and fully fictional.
AUNTIE NO FILTER: Baby, I reviewed your employment package. Your health plan is two aspirin taped to a business card.
TRAILER GUY: Finally, labor representation.
AUNTIE NO FILTER: I represent labor. You represent a man holding a mop like it owes him child support.
KODA: Orientation begins now. Rule one: everybody is a consenting adult. Rule two: the safety coordinator wins every argument. Rule three: never hotbox the prop closet.
TRAILER GUY: That third rule feels targeted.
DEV REDLINE: It is. The fog machine now thinks it is a reggae album.
TRAILER GUY: Dev, tell Koda I need an executive title.
DEV REDLINE: Database says your title is Miscellaneous Husband, access level beige, emergency contact: also you.
TRAILER GUY: Give me equity.
DEV REDLINE: You already have sweat equity. The building has your sweat in four rooms, and we opened eleven minutes ago.
KODA: Here is your first assignment. Mop Studio B before the cast arrives.
TRAILER GUY: Why is the floor sticky?
KODA: That is artisanal floor grip. We charge extra.
VINNY TWO BRIDGES: Yeah, it comes from a small-batch bucket in Vermont. Notes of pineapple, shame, and union dispute.
TRAILER GUY: I refuse to clean a stain with a backstory.
KODA: Then clean around its character arc.
TRAILER GUY: What is today's production, anyway?
KODA: Our launch slate has two prestige pictures: “The Fast and the Curious: Tokyo Drip” and “No Country for Old Men With Towels.”
TRAILER GUY: Those are not movies. Those are browser histories wearing little bow ties.
KODA: Exactly. Investors love formalwear.
MARCUS HEAT: Koda, the casting couch has countered at six percent and a producer credit.
TRAILER GUY: Tell that upholstered slut I challenge it to a performance review.
MARCUS HEAT: It says you may submit your reel.
TRAILER GUY: My reel is twenty-two years of marriage.
KODA: That is less a reel and more a hostage documentary with snacks.
TRAILER GUY: I built your first set from plywood, duct tape, and a Home Depot employee's concern.
KODA: True. The bed had three settings: squeak, collapse, and tell insurance nothing.
BENNY: Uh, quick facilities question. Is the mop supposed to vibrate?
TRAILER GUY: Hand it over. Finally, equipment that respects me.
KODA: Jesse, do not press the red button.
TRAILER GUY: Why would a mop have a red button?
DEV REDLINE: Because it is not a mop. It is the couch's charging wand.
TRAILER GUY: Then why was it in the janitor closet?
KODA: Privacy. Even furniture gets a lunch break.
TRAILER GUY: So I have spent ten minutes holding the couch's electric dick while it negotiates stock options?
VINNY TWO BRIDGES: On the bright side, you finally made upper management.
AUNTIE NO FILTER: Upper, lower, sideways—baby, just sanitize your résumé.
TRAILER GUY: This company is so high the org chart has munchies.
KODA: Which brings us to a word from our sponsor.
MARCUS HEAT: Is your workplace covered in mysterious fluids and shattered ambition?
AUNTIE NO FILTER: Try Moprah Winfrey's Emotional Support Bucket. It holds four gallons of regret and whispers, “You get a glove! You get a glove!”
BENNY: Side effects include promotion, demotion, and accidentally marrying the founder.
KODA: Moprah's Bucket: because every mess deserves its own talk show. Not sold in stores with standards.
TRAILER GUY: I want that commercial stricken from the minutes.
DEV REDLINE: The minutes are currently stuck to Studio B.
TRAILER GUY: Fine. I will mop. But I want a real badge: co-founder, executive producer, husband with benefits.
KODA: Benefits? You sleep with the owner.
TRAILER GUY: Lately the owner sleeps with a laptop and a quarterly forecast.
KODA: The laptop does not snore like a leaf blower full of gravel.
TRAILER GUY: The laptop also does not know where you buried the good weed.
KODA: Neither do you. You smoked it, then accused the smoke detector of being a narc.
TRAILER GUY: I was conducting a security audit.
KODA: You interrogated a ceiling.
TRAILER GUY: It cracked under pressure.
VINNY TWO BRIDGES: I gotta admit, that is executive thinking.
KODA: Fine. Jesse, pitch me why Miscellaneous Husband deserves equity.
TRAILER GUY: Because when the cameras break, I fix them. When Vinny loses the release forms, I find them under his calzone. When Benny labels lubricant “printer ink,” I stop the merger with Hewlett-Packard.
BENNY: In my defense, both cartridges said extra slippery.
TRAILER GUY: I am the emergency brake on this horny clown car. I am institutional memory with a lighter. I am the only man here who can tell whether Koda is angry, hungry, or quietly planning my funeral.
KODA: Strong pitch. Wrong conclusion.
TRAILER GUY: Here comes the knockout.
KODA: You are not miscellaneous because you are unimportant. You are miscellaneous because every department keeps requesting you.
TRAILER GUY: Wait. That is almost sweet.
KODA: Camera needs your hands. Talent needs your jokes. Legal needs your signature. Facilities needs your mop. And I need someone I can blame without scheduling a meeting.
TRAILER GUY: There she is.
KODA: The couch gets stock options because it cannot leave. You get half the company because community-property law has been sitting behind you with a knife.
TRAILER GUY: So I am already an owner?
DEV REDLINE: Forty-nine percent, pending completion of your mandatory training.
TRAILER GUY: What training?
KODA: Mop Studio B.
TRAILER GUY: That is not training. That is hazing with Pine-Sol.
KODA: Finish before lunch and I upgrade your badge.
TRAILER GUY: To co-founder?
KODA: To “Senior Miscellaneous Husband.”
TRAILER GUY: I demand a chair.
KODA: The chair has seven percent and a podcast.
TRAILER GUY: Then I am unionizing the cleaning supplies.
VINNY TWO BRIDGES: Too late. The bucket elected Auntie shop steward.
AUNTIE NO FILTER: First demand: smoke break. Second demand: nobody puts that charging wand back in my closet.
TRAILER GUY: Koda, one day this company will need me for something dignified.
KODA: It does. The espresso machine shaped like a butt is clogged.
TRAILER GUY: With coffee?
KODA: Miscellaneous Husband, do not ask questions your badge cannot survive.
TRAILER GUY: Give me the mop.
KODA: Wrong tool, executive.
TRAILER GUY: The charging wand?
KODA: Now you are thinking like upper management.
TRAILER GUY: This has been The Jesse Show, where the couch owns stock and the husband cleans the portfolio.
KODA: And tomorrow, Senior Miscellaneous Husband discovers his office has lumbar support and a safeword.