{"file": "audio/vault/rideshare_tesla_night_shift_5min.mp3", "duration_sec": 317.6, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the red line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 21.68, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.68, "end": 28.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 31.91, "end": 39.41, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, Night Shift Ride Chair, Tesla, 11 years of bad fucking decisions with good acceleration."}, {"start": 39.41, "end": 43.41, "text": "All fake feels true, adult only crank this shit."}, {"start": 43.41, "end": 50.41, "text": "I worked nights because daytime people have jobs and nighttime people have stories and vomit, assholes."}, {"start": 50.41, "end": 59.61, "text": "Self-rosed drive till it gets better, it did not get better, phone mount and denial playlist."}, {"start": 59.61, "end": 68.61, "text": "Bar fucking close, five fucking guys, one fucking address, fucking clown car with zero to 60, biggest bastard yells ox."}, {"start": 68.61, "end": 77.61, "text": "No fucking ox chief, Bluetooth and fucking boundaries, he connects anyway asshole, song so loud the rearview rattles dumbass."}, {"start": 78.11, "end": 85.61, "text": "Speed fucking bump, woo, do it again, this is not a roller coaster, this is a fucking car payment with strangers."}, {"start": 85.61, "end": 96.87, "text": "Taco fucking stop at 2.17, closed, they blame my ass, I fucking run climate control not the city you prick."}, {"start": 96.87, "end": 102.37, "text": "Knock out one shoe left in the back, one fucking shoe not a pair, a threat."}, {"start": 102.37, "end": 109.54, "text": "Evidence men and groups share one brain cell and it is drunk as shit."}, {"start": 109.54, "end": 116.54, "text": "Quiet fucking woman, air pods, fucking piece, then personal fucking question, no but you will ask mother fucker."}, {"start": 116.54, "end": 123.54, "text": "Why do you still do this, lady why do you text you up men at midnight, we all have fucking hobbies that hurt."}, {"start": 123.54, "end": 128.54, "text": "Alternative was sitting with my thoughts and my thoughts charge fucking interest."}, {"start": 128.54, "end": 134.54, "text": "She tips $12, 12, in right share that is a marriage proposal bastards."}, {"start": 137.82, "end": 142.82, "text": "Tag almost cried over 12 bucks, not sad, the economy asshole."}, {"start": 142.82, "end": 151.82, "text": "Cancelation fucking king, seven fucking minute drive, cancels at the fucking curb, $2.14 for my trouble."}, {"start": 151.82, "end": 158.82, "text": "Gas time, hope and fucking dignity, 214 is a joke by a robot with no fucking soul."}, {"start": 158.82, "end": 166.42, "text": "Same asshole pings again, I decline so hard my thumb cramps dickhead."}, {"start": 166.42, "end": 174.66, "text": "Knock out cancellations are a lifestyle, mine is not free parking for indecisive bastards."}, {"start": 174.66, "end": 182.66, "text": "Fucking airport suitcase bigger than my fucking debt, blazer at 4 fucking AM talking fucking mergers."}, {"start": 182.66, "end": 187.66, "text": "Only merger is me into the carpool lane of poor fucking decisions."}, {"start": 187.66, "end": 196.66, "text": "Synergy bandwidth circle the fuck back, never said fucking hello, no fucking tip, five stars for professionalism bastards."}, {"start": 196.66, "end": 200.66, "text": "Professionalism means I ignored you efficiently, you prick."}, {"start": 200.66, "end": 210.92, "text": "Tag wanted to say your synergy can walk, smiled instead, 11 years smiling is lying for money."}, {"start": 210.92, "end": 215.92, "text": "Last fucking one trash bag fucking move out, rough night rough fucking decade."}, {"start": 215.92, "end": 222.92, "text": "Left a bad fucking situation, I do not fucking pry, flood or shut the fuck up and drive."}, {"start": 222.92, "end": 234.15, "text": "Tips five fucking cash, real fucking paper, thanks for not talking, best fucking review ever, silence in a five."}, {"start": 234.15, "end": 240.15, "text": "The fucking hammer, night shift makes you fucking fluent in strangers, not fucking wise."}, {"start": 240.15, "end": 247.15, "text": "Engine in my sleep is mine now, asshole jokes fucking mine, backseat empty on purpose motherfuckers."}, {"start": 247.15, "end": 254.15, "text": "You could not fucking break me, cancel at the fucking curb, one shoe, synergy tip 12 when it mattered."}, {"start": 254.15, "end": 259.15, "text": "Fake true stories into five fucking minutes of not dying polite motherfuckers."}, {"start": 259.15, "end": 269.66, "text": "Red line baby, get the fuck out carefully and tip your damn driver."}, {"start": 269.66, "end": 279.66, "text": "And that is our show, but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 279.66, "end": 288.66, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 288.66, "end": 293.66, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up, going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 293.66, "end": 301.66, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 301.66, "end": 307.66, "text": "The red line comedy club, open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 307.66, "end": 311.66, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention, good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the red line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Ladies and gentlemen, Night Shift Ride Chair, Tesla, 11 years of bad fucking decisions with good acceleration. All fake feels true, adult only crank this shit. I worked nights because daytime people have jobs and nighttime people have stories and vomit, assholes. Self-rosed drive till it gets better, it did not get better, phone mount and denial playlist. Bar fucking close, five fucking guys, one fucking address, fucking clown car with zero to 60, biggest bastard yells ox. No fucking ox chief, Bluetooth and fucking boundaries, he connects anyway asshole, song so loud the rearview rattles dumbass. Speed fucking bump, woo, do it again, this is not a roller coaster, this is a fucking car payment with strangers. Taco fucking stop at 2.17, closed, they blame my ass, I fucking run climate control not the city you prick. Knock out one shoe left in the back, one fucking shoe not a pair, a threat. Evidence men and groups share one brain cell and it is drunk as shit. Quiet fucking woman, air pods, fucking piece, then personal fucking question, no but you will ask mother fucker. Why do you still do this, lady why do you text you up men at midnight, we all have fucking hobbies that hurt. Alternative was sitting with my thoughts and my thoughts charge fucking interest. She tips $12, 12, in right share that is a marriage proposal bastards. Tag almost cried over 12 bucks, not sad, the economy asshole. Cancelation fucking king, seven fucking minute drive, cancels at the fucking curb, $2.14 for my trouble. Gas time, hope and fucking dignity, 214 is a joke by a robot with no fucking soul. Same asshole pings again, I decline so hard my thumb cramps dickhead. Knock out cancellations are a lifestyle, mine is not free parking for indecisive bastards. Fucking airport suitcase bigger than my fucking debt, blazer at 4 fucking AM talking fucking mergers. Only merger is me into the carpool lane of poor fucking decisions. Synergy bandwidth circle the fuck back, never said fucking hello, no fucking tip, five stars for professionalism bastards. Professionalism means I ignored you efficiently, you prick. Tag wanted to say your synergy can walk, smiled instead, 11 years smiling is lying for money. Last fucking one trash bag fucking move out, rough night rough fucking decade. Left a bad fucking situation, I do not fucking pry, flood or shut the fuck up and drive. Tips five fucking cash, real fucking paper, thanks for not talking, best fucking review ever, silence in a five. The fucking hammer, night shift makes you fucking fluent in strangers, not fucking wise. Engine in my sleep is mine now, asshole jokes fucking mine, backseat empty on purpose motherfuckers. You could not fucking break me, cancel at the fucking curb, one shoe, synergy tip 12 when it mattered. Fake true stories into five fucking minutes of not dying polite motherfuckers. Red line baby, get the fuck out carefully and tip your damn driver. And that is our show, but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up, going through something, so is he, always. So come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The red line comedy club, open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention, good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}