{"file": "audio/vault/rideshare_11yrs_life_choices_5min.mp3", "duration_sec": 337.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 21.68, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.68, "end": 28.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 31.94, "end": 38.44, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, 11 fucking years of rideshare, Uber, Lyft, Tesla Seats $4 trauma."}, {"start": 38.44, "end": 43.44, "text": "All these stories are fake, most could be true, turn this motherfucker up."}, {"start": 43.44, "end": 51.44, "text": "I drove rideshare 11 years, that is not a job, that is a hostage situation with a star rating assholes."}, {"start": 51.44, "end": 55.44, "text": "I am 50, 300 fucking grand in the hole."}, {"start": 55.44, "end": 61.44, "text": "Business plan pick up a stranger, do not get murdered, hope the app does not fuck me by morning."}, {"start": 61.44, "end": 68.44, "text": "Self-rosed first, my life choices are not a path, they are a scrapbook of what the fuck was I thinking."}, {"start": 68.44, "end": 72.44, "text": "Phone mount charging cable, bad decisions with good acceleration."}, {"start": 72.44, "end": 82.7, "text": "Fake story 1, airport, 2 AM guy gets in smelling like a bar fight and a shitty decision."}, {"start": 82.7, "end": 89.7, "text": "Before the door closes, take the short way, brother there is no short way at 2 AM motherfucker."}, {"start": 89.7, "end": 96.7, "text": "There is the real way and the drunk confidence way, he navigates from the backseat like he owns the fucking freeway."}, {"start": 96.7, "end": 102.7, "text": "Get over, get over now, I get over dead end, cones like a middle finger farm."}, {"start": 102.7, "end": 111.34, "text": "He goes, they must have changed it, no shit they changed it, you stayed lost and loud dumbass."}, {"start": 111.34, "end": 118.34, "text": "Tag 4 stars for attitude, attitude, my attitude was not dying in a cone maze you prick."}, {"start": 118.34, "end": 127.54, "text": "Knock out the only shortcut is the passenger brain and half took the long way through childhood."}, {"start": 127.54, "end": 132.54, "text": "Next couple in back, war with seatbelts you always do this, do what this."}, {"start": 132.54, "end": 140.54, "text": "$4 therapy session with cup holders, they list every sin from 2014 like I am the fucking judge."}, {"start": 140.54, "end": 147.54, "text": "Pothole, she blames him, he blames my suspension, sir the suspension is fine, your relationship has bad shocks."}, {"start": 147.54, "end": 158.77, "text": "Tag $2 tip great driver, I drove your divorce without crashing, that is fucking Olympic bastards."}, {"start": 158.77, "end": 166.01, "text": "Knock out I needed hazard pay and a drink I cannot fucking afford."}, {"start": 166.01, "end": 171.01, "text": "Tesla Tourist is this a real Tesla, no asshole cardboard with a motor."}, {"start": 171.01, "end": 178.01, "text": "Photos of my fucking dashboard, no tip, five stars for the car, not me, the car, outshined by a battery."}, {"start": 178.01, "end": 189.64, "text": "Ask if autopilot can nap him home, but if I had autopilot for life choices I would not collect your shitty 482."}, {"start": 189.64, "end": 197.84, "text": "Knock out Car Get Stars, I get stories, stories do not pay the fucking note."}, {"start": 197.84, "end": 203.84, "text": "3 AM philosopher, completely fake, do you ever feel like you are wasting your life?"}, {"start": 203.84, "end": 210.84, "text": "Motherfucker 50 toilets by day, strangers by night, that feeling is my cardio asshole."}, {"start": 210.84, "end": 218.84, "text": "Every green light he laughs cries destiny, I believe in gas prices, destiny is broke people calendar bullshit."}, {"start": 218.84, "end": 225.84, "text": "Tag motel drop you are a good man, sir I am a man with a phone and a pulse, do not promote my ass."}, {"start": 225.84, "end": 235.04, "text": "Knock out deep talks tip less than drunk assholes who throw up and apologize with cash."}, {"start": 235.04, "end": 242.04, "text": "Rating hostage how was Brandon, silent burrito, crumbs no tip one star thumb hovers."}, {"start": 242.04, "end": 249.04, "text": "If I rate honest the algorithm fucks me, so burrito ghost gets four stars like a coward with a truck payment."}, {"start": 249.04, "end": 253.04, "text": "You do not rate the passenger, you rate your own fucking fear."}, {"start": 253.04, "end": 259.8, "text": "Tag, rideshare is emotional blackmail with a map shit heads."}, {"start": 259.8, "end": 264.8, "text": "The hammer 11 years thousands of strangers, one red bastard still here."}, {"start": 264.8, "end": 268.8, "text": "Cleaning comedy no more $4 therapy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 268.8, "end": 273.8, "text": "You could not break me, you could only spill chaos in my backseat."}, {"start": 273.8, "end": 279.8, "text": "Passengers thinks they are the main character, they are a five minute guest star in a broke man documentary."}, {"start": 279.8, "end": 283.8, "text": "And the documentary just got funnier motherfucker."}, {"start": 283.8, "end": 299.3, "text": "And that is our show, but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 299.3, "end": 308.3, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 308.3, "end": 314.3, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up, going through something, so is he always."}, {"start": 314.3, "end": 320.3, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 320.3, "end": 328.3, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 328.3, "end": 332.3, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Ladies and gentlemen, 11 fucking years of rideshare, Uber, Lyft, Tesla Seats $4 trauma. All these stories are fake, most could be true, turn this motherfucker up. I drove rideshare 11 years, that is not a job, that is a hostage situation with a star rating assholes. I am 50, 300 fucking grand in the hole. Business plan pick up a stranger, do not get murdered, hope the app does not fuck me by morning. Self-rosed first, my life choices are not a path, they are a scrapbook of what the fuck was I thinking. Phone mount charging cable, bad decisions with good acceleration. Fake story 1, airport, 2 AM guy gets in smelling like a bar fight and a shitty decision. Before the door closes, take the short way, brother there is no short way at 2 AM motherfucker. There is the real way and the drunk confidence way, he navigates from the backseat like he owns the fucking freeway. Get over, get over now, I get over dead end, cones like a middle finger farm. He goes, they must have changed it, no shit they changed it, you stayed lost and loud dumbass. Tag 4 stars for attitude, attitude, my attitude was not dying in a cone maze you prick. Knock out the only shortcut is the passenger brain and half took the long way through childhood. Next couple in back, war with seatbelts you always do this, do what this. $4 therapy session with cup holders, they list every sin from 2014 like I am the fucking judge. Pothole, she blames him, he blames my suspension, sir the suspension is fine, your relationship has bad shocks. Tag $2 tip great driver, I drove your divorce without crashing, that is fucking Olympic bastards. Knock out I needed hazard pay and a drink I cannot fucking afford. Tesla Tourist is this a real Tesla, no asshole cardboard with a motor. Photos of my fucking dashboard, no tip, five stars for the car, not me, the car, outshined by a battery. Ask if autopilot can nap him home, but if I had autopilot for life choices I would not collect your shitty 482. Knock out Car Get Stars, I get stories, stories do not pay the fucking note. 3 AM philosopher, completely fake, do you ever feel like you are wasting your life? Motherfucker 50 toilets by day, strangers by night, that feeling is my cardio asshole. Every green light he laughs cries destiny, I believe in gas prices, destiny is broke people calendar bullshit. Tag motel drop you are a good man, sir I am a man with a phone and a pulse, do not promote my ass. Knock out deep talks tip less than drunk assholes who throw up and apologize with cash. Rating hostage how was Brandon, silent burrito, crumbs no tip one star thumb hovers. If I rate honest the algorithm fucks me, so burrito ghost gets four stars like a coward with a truck payment. You do not rate the passenger, you rate your own fucking fear. Tag, rideshare is emotional blackmail with a map shit heads. The hammer 11 years thousands of strangers, one red bastard still here. Cleaning comedy no more $4 therapy motherfuckers. You could not break me, you could only spill chaos in my backseat. Passengers thinks they are the main character, they are a five minute guest star in a broke man documentary. And the documentary just got funnier motherfucker. And that is our show, but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up, going through something, so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}