{"file": "audio/vault/99_carnival_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 319.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.04, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software,"}, {"start": 19.04, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 31.35, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 31.35, "end": 35.35, "text": "Laddies and gentlemen, the carnival is rolled into Red Line Comedy Club,"}, {"start": 35.35, "end": 36.35, "text": "21 and over."}, {"start": 36.35, "end": 38.65, "text": "No kids, no filter, no survivors."}, {"start": 38.65, "end": 51.05, "text": "Tonight, the ringmaster of his own dumpster fire, give it up for Jesse Salas."}, {"start": 51.05, "end": 53.65, "text": "Welcome to the freak show, You Beautiful Degeneralids."}, {"start": 53.65, "end": 57.55, "text": "The rule tonight, I roast myself first, then I let these idiots roast each other."}, {"start": 57.55, "end": 58.55, "text": "So here's me."}, {"start": 58.55, "end": 61.75, "text": "I'm 50 broke sober and I caught a felony at 19,"}, {"start": 61.75, "end": 63.45, "text": "which means I peaked in a courtroom."}, {"start": 63.45, "end": 65.35, "text": "Three engagements married zero."}, {"start": 65.35, "end": 70.05, "text": "I spent more on diamond rings than most men spend on a house and I funded three honeymoons."}, {"start": 70.05, "end": 73.05, "text": "None of them mine and I cleaned toilets for a living."}, {"start": 73.55, "end": 77.75, "text": "So if tonight bombs relax, I already know how to handle other people's shit."}, {"start": 77.75, "end": 79.75, "text": "Bring out the clowns Mickey."}, {"start": 79.75, "end": 100.39, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 100.39, "end": 101.89, "text": "You're every man of error."}, {"start": 101.89, "end": 102.89, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 102.89, "end": 107.06, "text": "I'm Mickey."}, {"start": 107.06, "end": 109.06, "text": "I'm on every dating app."}, {"start": 109.06, "end": 111.56, "text": "My last date asked what I'm looking for."}, {"start": 111.56, "end": 114.56, "text": "I said someone who will tolerate me and a co-signer."}, {"start": 114.56, "end": 116.56, "text": "My therapist quit on me."}, {"start": 116.56, "end": 118.06, "text": "She didn't refer me out."}, {"start": 118.06, "end": 129.13, "text": "She just changed her damn locks."}, {"start": 129.33, "end": 132.33, "text": "From Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time."}, {"start": 132.33, "end": 135.33, "text": "The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor."}, {"start": 135.33, "end": 139.34, "text": "Vinnie."}, {"start": 139.34, "end": 142.84, "text": "Mickey, you couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of pardons."}, {"start": 142.84, "end": 144.84, "text": "Me, I've been married 18 years."}, {"start": 144.84, "end": 148.84, "text": "The secret is I stopped listening in 2009 and nobody noticed."}, {"start": 148.84, "end": 150.64, "text": "My wife says the spark is gone."}, {"start": 150.64, "end": 153.84, "text": "I said baby, so is my will to live were soulmates."}, {"start": 153.84, "end": 168.59, "text": "He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos."}, {"start": 168.59, "end": 170.29, "text": "The roast physician is in."}, {"start": 170.29, "end": 174.8, "text": "Doc Burn."}, {"start": 175.0, "end": 177.2, "text": "Vinnie 18 years married, that's not love."}, {"start": 177.2, "end": 180.3, "text": "That's a hostage situation with a shared Costco card."}, {"start": 180.3, "end": 184.2, "text": "They call me Doc Burn because I diagnose your whole sad life in one look."}, {"start": 184.2, "end": 188.0, "text": "You front row, you got the confidence of a man who's never been told no."}, {"start": 188.0, "end": 201.13, "text": "And the bank account of a man who's never been told yes."}, {"start": 201.13, "end": 206.03, "text": "Doc Burn, you got a face like a clenched fist and a personality to match."}, {"start": 206.03, "end": 207.53, "text": "Me, I'm Jerry."}, {"start": 207.53, "end": 211.53, "text": "My family's so Italian, my grandmother's seasons her grudges."}, {"start": 211.53, "end": 216.53, "text": "We don't go to therapy, we go to the back of the restaurant and somebody don't come back."}, {"start": 216.53, "end": 237.11, "text": "My wife wanted a quiet romantic dinner, so I whispered the threats."}, {"start": 237.11, "end": 240.11, "text": "Jerry, everybody, a man who irons his shirts and his enemies,"}, {"start": 240.11, "end": 242.71, "text": "that's the carnival folks, but here's the truth."}, {"start": 242.71, "end": 248.31, "text": "I built this whole damn circus, this website colors of my pain because laughing is the only thing that ever paid me back."}, {"start": 248.31, "end": 252.11, "text": "I gave my pain colors like a sad crayon box nobody asked for."}, {"start": 252.11, "end": 255.81, "text": "Black for my dad who died and left me a phone number I still can't delete."}, {"start": 255.81, "end": 259.81, "text": "But tonight we painted it red. This is red line. This is kill Jesse."}, {"start": 259.81, "end": 262.81, "text": "Now get home safe and tip your bartender."}, {"start": 262.81, "end": 272.33, "text": "Trust me, I can't."}, {"start": 272.33, "end": 274.33, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 274.33, "end": 282.33, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 282.33, "end": 288.33, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 288.33, "end": 291.33, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 291.33, "end": 293.33, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 293.33, "end": 296.33, "text": "Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 296.33, "end": 298.33, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 298.33, "end": 303.33, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 303.33, "end": 310.33, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 310.33, "end": 314.33, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Laddies and gentlemen, the carnival is rolled into Red Line Comedy Club, 21 and over. No kids, no filter, no survivors. Tonight, the ringmaster of his own dumpster fire, give it up for Jesse Salas. Welcome to the freak show, You Beautiful Degeneralids. The rule tonight, I roast myself first, then I let these idiots roast each other. So here's me. I'm 50 broke sober and I caught a felony at 19, which means I peaked in a courtroom. Three engagements married zero. I spent more on diamond rings than most men spend on a house and I funded three honeymoons. None of them mine and I cleaned toilets for a living. So if tonight bombs relax, I already know how to handle other people's shit. Bring out the clowns Mickey. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. You're every man of error. Mickey! I'm Mickey. I'm on every dating app. My last date asked what I'm looking for. I said someone who will tolerate me and a co-signer. My therapist quit on me. She didn't refer me out. She just changed her damn locks. From Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time. The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor. Vinnie. Mickey, you couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of pardons. Me, I've been married 18 years. The secret is I stopped listening in 2009 and nobody noticed. My wife says the spark is gone. I said baby, so is my will to live were soulmates. He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos. The roast physician is in. Doc Burn. Vinnie 18 years married, that's not love. That's a hostage situation with a shared Costco card. They call me Doc Burn because I diagnose your whole sad life in one look. You front row, you got the confidence of a man who's never been told no. And the bank account of a man who's never been told yes. Doc Burn, you got a face like a clenched fist and a personality to match. Me, I'm Jerry. My family's so Italian, my grandmother's seasons her grudges. We don't go to therapy, we go to the back of the restaurant and somebody don't come back. My wife wanted a quiet romantic dinner, so I whispered the threats. Jerry, everybody, a man who irons his shirts and his enemies, that's the carnival folks, but here's the truth. I built this whole damn circus, this website colors of my pain because laughing is the only thing that ever paid me back. I gave my pain colors like a sad crayon box nobody asked for. Black for my dad who died and left me a phone number I still can't delete. But tonight we painted it red. This is red line. This is kill Jesse. Now get home safe and tip your bartender. Trust me, I can't. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}