{"file": "audio/vault/96_love_divorce_special_1.mp3", "duration_sec": 382.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.14, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 35.95, "text": "In a world where one man got engaged nine times and divorced three,"}, {"start": 35.95, "end": 39.95, "text": "where love showed up like a fire and left like an arsonist."}, {"start": 39.95, "end": 43.95, "text": "Red Line presents a special event, love and divorce, adults only."}, {"start": 43.95, "end": 44.95, "text": "Bring a helmet."}, {"start": 44.95, "end": 52.69, "text": "Tonight, East Coast versus West Coast,"}, {"start": 52.69, "end": 56.69, "text": "a wild man who screams the truth and a host who married optimism"}, {"start": 56.69, "end": 57.69, "text": "and lost the house."}, {"start": 57.69, "end": 59.69, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse."}, {"start": 59.69, "end": 64.79, "text": "Thank you, welcome to Love and Divorce."}, {"start": 64.79, "end": 68.79, "text": "I roast me first, nine engagements, three divorces and a vasectomy."}, {"start": 68.79, "end": 71.79, "text": "I didn't have a love life, I had a controlled demolition."}, {"start": 71.79, "end": 74.79, "text": "I loved every one of them. That's the sickness."}, {"start": 74.79, "end": 76.79, "text": "Bring out the wild man."}, {"start": 76.79, "end": 81.02, "text": "He used to preach."}, {"start": 81.02, "end": 84.02, "text": "Now he just screams the parts they left out of the vows."}, {"start": 84.02, "end": 85.02, "text": "The wild man."}, {"start": 85.02, "end": 86.02, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 86.02, "end": 92.59, "text": "I'm not bitter."}, {"start": 92.59, "end": 94.59, "text": "You think I'm bitter. I loved her."}, {"start": 94.59, "end": 96.59, "text": "That's the problem."}, {"start": 96.59, "end": 99.59, "text": "Oh, you don't get divorced from somebody you hate."}, {"start": 99.59, "end": 102.59, "text": "You get divorced from somebody you'd have died for."}, {"start": 102.59, "end": 103.59, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 103.59, "end": 110.14, "text": "They say marriage is work."}, {"start": 110.14, "end": 113.14, "text": "Work. I had a job."}, {"start": 113.14, "end": 118.14, "text": "I came home to a second job that shared my bed and reviewed my performance."}, {"start": 118.14, "end": 124.96, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 124.96, "end": 125.96, "text": "And the divorce, Jesse."}, {"start": 125.96, "end": 127.96, "text": "The lawyers, the papers."}, {"start": 127.96, "end": 129.96, "text": "You don't sign your name."}, {"start": 129.96, "end": 131.96, "text": "You sign your autobiography."}, {"start": 131.96, "end": 133.96, "text": "And they take half of it."}, {"start": 133.96, "end": 136.96, "text": "Oh! She got the house. I got the story."}, {"start": 136.96, "end": 139.96, "text": "Guess which one pays rent."}, {"start": 139.96, "end": 147.86, "text": "He's not wrong and he's not well, and that's comedy."}, {"start": 147.86, "end": 152.06, "text": "I got one."}, {"start": 152.06, "end": 156.06, "text": "Jesse's so bad at love, his wedding cake came with a receipt and a return policy."}, {"start": 156.06, "end": 161.87, "text": "Trailer guy read the NAMES."}, {"start": 161.87, "end": 165.87, "text": "Okay, East Coast, West Coast, who roasts my love life better."}, {"start": 165.87, "end": 167.87, "text": "East Side Benny."}, {"start": 167.87, "end": 174.1, "text": "I just see three divorces where I'm from."}, {"start": 174.1, "end": 176.1, "text": "You stay married out of spite."}, {"start": 176.1, "end": 178.1, "text": "You love them and left."}, {"start": 178.1, "end": 180.1, "text": "That's not romance."}, {"start": 180.1, "end": 183.1, "text": "That's a hidden run with feelings."}, {"start": 183.1, "end": 186.1, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 186.1, "end": 189.35, "text": "Nine rings, Jesse."}, {"start": 189.35, "end": 192.35, "text": "You proposed more times than you've had steady jobs."}, {"start": 192.35, "end": 194.35, "text": "You're not a romantic."}, {"start": 194.35, "end": 197.35, "text": "You're a repeat offender with a jewelry budget."}, {"start": 197.35, "end": 202.35, "text": "East Coast love is loud, Jesse."}, {"start": 202.35, "end": 203.35, "text": "But you?"}, {"start": 203.35, "end": 208.35, "text": "You've got dumped so many times the U-Haul knows your name and your trauma."}, {"start": 208.35, "end": 215.65, "text": "West Coast, defend the vibe. Here's Brooke."}, {"start": 215.65, "end": 219.65, "text": "Bro, divorce is just the universe."}, {"start": 219.65, "end": 220.65, "text": "Unsubscribing."}, {"start": 220.65, "end": 222.65, "text": "Jesse, you didn't fail at love, man, you just."}, {"start": 222.65, "end": 224.65, "text": "Left a lot of one-star reviews on your own heart."}, {"start": 224.65, "end": 225.65, "text": "It's chill."}, {"start": 225.65, "end": 227.65, "text": "It's not, but it's chill."}, {"start": 227.65, "end": 238.42, "text": "Jesse, out west, we'd say your relationships ended because your energy was off."}, {"start": 238.42, "end": 243.42, "text": "Specifically, the energy of a man who proposes with a ring pop and means it."}, {"start": 243.42, "end": 245.42, "text": "Namaste, now he'll."}, {"start": 245.42, "end": 250.42, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 250.42, "end": 254.42, "text": "Honestly, Jesse, West Coast or East Coast, every coast agrees."}, {"start": 254.42, "end": 258.42, "text": "The common denominator in nine breakups isn't bad luck, brother."}, {"start": 258.42, "end": 261.42, "text": "It's the guy holding the candy ring."}, {"start": 261.42, "end": 267.69, "text": "Both coasts united against me."}, {"start": 267.69, "end": 270.69, "text": "That's the most agreement I've ever caused."}, {"start": 270.69, "end": 275.95, "text": "Wild man take us home."}, {"start": 275.95, "end": 277.95, "text": "Here's the truth, Jesse."}, {"start": 277.95, "end": 281.95, "text": "You keep loving them that hard because the alternative is the quiet."}, {"start": 281.95, "end": 285.95, "text": "A man who's been left nine times isn't a fool."}, {"start": 285.95, "end": 289.95, "text": "He's the only one in the room still dumb enough to believe."}, {"start": 289.95, "end": 293.95, "text": "And that is the bravest stupid thing a man can do."}, {"start": 293.95, "end": 304.03, "text": "He screamed a love letter at me, and I'm crying and laughing."}, {"start": 304.03, "end": 314.23, "text": "And the closer, Jesse loved them all, lost them all and built a comedy club so the heartbreak would finally have an audience."}, {"start": 314.23, "end": 319.7, "text": "That's love and divorce, you beautiful wreckage."}, {"start": 319.7, "end": 323.7, "text": "I loved everyone I'd do it all again and I'll keep proposing until the candy runs out."}, {"start": 323.7, "end": 327.7, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 327.7, "end": 336.26, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 336.26, "end": 344.26, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 344.26, "end": 350.26, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 350.26, "end": 353.26, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 353.26, "end": 355.26, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 355.26, "end": 359.26, "text": "Going through something, so is he always."}, {"start": 359.26, "end": 362.26, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 362.26, "end": 365.26, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 365.26, "end": 369.26, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club open all night."}, {"start": 369.26, "end": 373.26, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 373.26, "end": 376.26, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. In a world where one man got engaged nine times and divorced three, where love showed up like a fire and left like an arsonist. Red Line presents a special event, love and divorce, adults only. Bring a helmet. Tonight, East Coast versus West Coast, a wild man who screams the truth and a host who married optimism and lost the house. Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse. Thank you, welcome to Love and Divorce. I roast me first, nine engagements, three divorces and a vasectomy. I didn't have a love life, I had a controlled demolition. I loved every one of them. That's the sickness. Bring out the wild man. He used to preach. Now he just screams the parts they left out of the vows. The wild man. Oh! I'm not bitter. You think I'm bitter. I loved her. That's the problem. Oh, you don't get divorced from somebody you hate. You get divorced from somebody you'd have died for. Oh! They say marriage is work. Work. I had a job. I came home to a second job that shared my bed and reviewed my performance. Oh! And the divorce, Jesse. The lawyers, the papers. You don't sign your name. You sign your autobiography. And they take half of it. Oh! She got the house. I got the story. Guess which one pays rent. He's not wrong and he's not well, and that's comedy. I got one. Jesse's so bad at love, his wedding cake came with a receipt and a return policy. Trailer guy read the NAMES. Okay, East Coast, West Coast, who roasts my love life better. East Side Benny. I just see three divorces where I'm from. You stay married out of spite. You love them and left. That's not romance. That's a hidden run with feelings. Oh! Nine rings, Jesse. You proposed more times than you've had steady jobs. You're not a romantic. You're a repeat offender with a jewelry budget. East Coast love is loud, Jesse. But you? You've got dumped so many times the U-Haul knows your name and your trauma. West Coast, defend the vibe. Here's Brooke. Bro, divorce is just the universe. Unsubscribing. Jesse, you didn't fail at love, man, you just. Left a lot of one-star reviews on your own heart. It's chill. It's not, but it's chill. Jesse, out west, we'd say your relationships ended because your energy was off. Specifically, the energy of a man who proposes with a ring pop and means it. Namaste, now he'll. Oh! Honestly, Jesse, West Coast or East Coast, every coast agrees. The common denominator in nine breakups isn't bad luck, brother. It's the guy holding the candy ring. Both coasts united against me. That's the most agreement I've ever caused. Wild man take us home. Here's the truth, Jesse. You keep loving them that hard because the alternative is the quiet. A man who's been left nine times isn't a fool. He's the only one in the room still dumb enough to believe. And that is the bravest stupid thing a man can do. He screamed a love letter at me, and I'm crying and laughing. And the closer, Jesse loved them all, lost them all and built a comedy club so the heartbreak would finally have an audience. That's love and divorce, you beautiful wreckage. I loved everyone I'd do it all again and I'll keep proposing until the candy runs out. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}