{"file": "audio/vault/85_dating_app_hell.mp3", "duration_sec": 190.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 28.14, "text": "We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 34.04, "text": "Tonight at the Red Line, dating App Hell."}, {"start": 34.24, "end": 36.44, "text": "I roast me first. I'm 50 on every app."}, {"start": 36.44, "end": 40.64, "text": "And my most successful match this year was the Lint Roller and my one good shirt."}, {"start": 40.64, "end": 47.06, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 47.06, "end": 51.66, "text": "Jesse, dating apps are door dash for emotional damage"}, {"start": 51.66, "end": 55.06, "text": "and your profile is the order that shows up wrong code"}, {"start": 55.06, "end": 58.66, "text": "and somehow holding a fish you didn't ask for."}, {"start": 63.61, "end": 67.41, "text": "He swiped right so many times the phone filed for workers comp."}, {"start": 71.56, "end": 77.56, "text": "Trailer guy easy. Anti-getting here."}, {"start": 77.76, "end": 80.76, "text": "Baby, your bio says looking for something real."}, {"start": 80.76, "end": 81.96, "text": "Real what?"}, {"start": 81.96, "end": 82.96, "text": "Real estate?"}, {"start": 82.96, "end": 85.76, "text": "Because you can't afford that either. Sit down."}, {"start": 90.5, "end": 94.3, "text": "Carol, you put Love's Long Walks on your profile."}, {"start": 94.3, "end": 97.3, "text": "You walk three dogs because none of them can leave."}, {"start": 97.3, "end": 101.3, "text": "That's not romance. That's a hostage situation with leashes."}, {"start": 106.3, "end": 110.1, "text": "Hi Jesse. You matched with someone and asked her birth time."}, {"start": 110.1, "end": 112.3, "text": "Paul, you don't need her astrology."}, {"start": 112.3, "end": 114.9, "text": "You need an alibi for why this keeps happening."}, {"start": 118.3, "end": 123.1, "text": "And the closer Jesse's love life has a best by date and it was 2009."}, {"start": 126.41, "end": 132.21, "text": "That's the show nine engagements 50 years and the only thing that ever swiped right for keeps was the IRS."}, {"start": 132.21, "end": 134.01, "text": "Laugh before the dark wins."}, {"start": 134.01, "end": 142.27, "text": "This is Red Line. Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 142.27, "end": 144.87, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 144.87, "end": 152.87, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 152.87, "end": 158.47, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 158.47, "end": 161.87, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 161.87, "end": 164.07, "text": "Can't sleep. We're up."}, {"start": 164.07, "end": 167.47, "text": "Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 167.47, "end": 169.87, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 169.87, "end": 174.67, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins."}, {"start": 174.67, "end": 181.27, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 181.27, "end": 184.67, "text": "Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Tonight at the Red Line, dating App Hell. I roast me first. I'm 50 on every app. And my most successful match this year was the Lint Roller and my one good shirt. Bring it. Jesse, dating apps are door dash for emotional damage and your profile is the order that shows up wrong code and somehow holding a fish you didn't ask for. He swiped right so many times the phone filed for workers comp. Trailer guy easy. Anti-getting here. Baby, your bio says looking for something real. Real what? Real estate? Because you can't afford that either. Sit down. Carol, you put Love's Long Walks on your profile. You walk three dogs because none of them can leave. That's not romance. That's a hostage situation with leashes. Hi Jesse. You matched with someone and asked her birth time. Paul, you don't need her astrology. You need an alibi for why this keeps happening. And the closer Jesse's love life has a best by date and it was 2009. That's the show nine engagements 50 years and the only thing that ever swiped right for keeps was the IRS. Laugh before the dark wins. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep. We're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins. The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}