{"file": "audio/vault/80_bad_choices_good_wifi.mp3", "duration_sec": 349.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.04, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.04, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.24, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.24, "end": 34.44, "text": "Welcome to Bad Choices, Good W-I-F-I."}, {"start": 34.44, "end": 39.24, "text": "The only show where humans make choices so bad even the algorithm asks for consent."}, {"start": 39.24, "end": 40.44, "text": "I roast me first."}, {"start": 40.44, "end": 43.24, "text": "I got 47 AI tools to run my life,"}, {"start": 43.24, "end": 47.04, "text": "and I still microwave a burrito the robot begged me not to eat."}, {"start": 47.04, "end": 53.85, "text": "Bring the bench."}, {"start": 53.85, "end": 56.55, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here."}, {"start": 56.55, "end": 59.55, "text": "The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew."}, {"start": 59.55, "end": 63.59, "text": "Trip!"}, {"start": 63.59, "end": 68.29, "text": "Jesse, we gave everyone an AI assistant and somehow got dumber with supervision."}, {"start": 68.29, "end": 74.82, "text": "You're a group project where the smart kid is a toaster."}, {"start": 74.92, "end": 76.92, "text": "The toaster has a 401k."}, {"start": 76.92, "end": 81.1, "text": "Leave it alone."}, {"start": 81.1, "end": 84.8, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 84.8, "end": 86.3, "text": "You're every man of error."}, {"start": 86.3, "end": 90.81, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 90.81, "end": 92.31, "text": "You're back on the apps."}, {"start": 92.31, "end": 95.31, "text": "Dating apps are door dash for emotional damage."}, {"start": 95.31, "end": 102.48, "text": "And your orders always lay cold and holding a fish."}, {"start": 102.48, "end": 103.98, "text": "He's not a real doctor,"}, {"start": 103.98, "end": 106.28, "text": "but neither was the guy who did your tattoos."}, {"start": 106.28, "end": 107.88, "text": "The roast physician is in."}, {"start": 107.88, "end": 112.48, "text": "Doc Burn."}, {"start": 112.58, "end": 116.98, "text": "Diagnosis, you ask the AI for life advice and ignore it instantly."}, {"start": 116.98, "end": 118.88, "text": "That's not artificial intelligence."}, {"start": 118.88, "end": 124.13, "text": "That's your mother with better uptime."}, {"start": 124.13, "end": 126.23, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 126.23, "end": 128.13, "text": "All hail the queen of the Burn Unit."}, {"start": 128.13, "end": 132.97, "text": "Queen Stank!"}, {"start": 132.97, "end": 135.97, "text": "Baby, you posted a thirst trap at 50."}, {"start": 135.97, "end": 140.47, "text": "Instagram's where you prove you've healed by posting from inside the wound."}, {"start": 142.77, "end": 145.37, "text": "I, Jesse, you got a LinkedIn."}, {"start": 145.47, "end": 149.17, "text": "That's only fans for guys who get excited about quarterly growth."}, {"start": 149.17, "end": 150.17, "text": "Put the tie away."}, {"start": 150.17, "end": 152.17, "text": "Nobody's subscribing."}, {"start": 157.51, "end": 160.51, "text": "Lama on the outside, switch blade on the inside."}, {"start": 160.51, "end": 166.54, "text": "The diamond that cuts back, Ruby."}, {"start": 166.54, "end": 171.24, "text": "Darling, your day in my life video was just you mopping a stranger's bathroom,"}, {"start": 171.24, "end": 175.79, "text": "pretending it's a documentary."}, {"start": 175.79, "end": 176.99, "text": "It was Art Ruby."}, {"start": 176.99, "end": 182.79, "text": "The lighting was terrible on purpose."}, {"start": 182.89, "end": 190.47, "text": "Raised by Wi-Fi and Rage Quits, the chaos Gremlin himself, Pixel."}, {"start": 190.47, "end": 194.77, "text": "Bro, the internet got so stupid it rebooted itself like a concast router,"}, {"start": 194.77, "end": 196.87, "text": "and you're still buffering."}, {"start": 196.87, "end": 201.52, "text": "Southern Charms, Swamp Venom."}, {"start": 201.52, "end": 203.32, "text": "She'll bless your heart and then stop it."}, {"start": 203.32, "end": 207.4, "text": "Sugar."}, {"start": 207.4, "end": 208.4, "text": "Well, bless your heart."}, {"start": 208.4, "end": 210.2, "text": "You tried the soft life."}, {"start": 210.2, "end": 211.7, "text": "Sugar, you're not soft."}, {"start": 211.7, "end": 215.2, "text": "You're just exhausted and now in linen you can't afford."}, {"start": 215.2, "end": 221.0, "text": "Jesse, you started a podcast before therapy."}, {"start": 221.0, "end": 225.0, "text": "Same trauma, mate now with a sponsor and a ring light."}, {"start": 225.0, "end": 232.18, "text": "Your cleaning company calls itself a family."}, {"start": 232.18, "end": 240.9, "text": "Only because the law won't let you call it property."}, {"start": 240.9, "end": 244.4, "text": "Baby, your credit score is so low the bank stopped sending statements"}, {"start": 244.4, "end": 251.84, "text": "and started sending thoughts and prayers."}, {"start": 251.84, "end": 254.84, "text": "Jesse, nine engagements with ring pops."}, {"start": 254.84, "end": 256.64, "text": "That's not commitment issues."}, {"start": 256.64, "end": 260.04, "text": "That's a candy subscription with a grief counselor."}, {"start": 260.04, "end": 261.44, "text": "Forget about it."}, {"start": 261.44, "end": 267.64, "text": "From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time."}, {"start": 267.64, "end": 270.44, "text": "The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor."}, {"start": 270.44, "end": 274.62, "text": "Vinnie."}, {"start": 274.62, "end": 276.22, "text": "We're a startup, he says."}, {"start": 276.22, "end": 278.62, "text": "Jesse, the printer has equity and you don't,"}, {"start": 278.62, "end": 283.9, "text": "and the printer's been here longer."}, {"start": 283.9, "end": 286.1, "text": "That's the show, you beautiful disasters."}, {"start": 286.1, "end": 289.3, "text": "Bad choices, good Wi-Fi, we're all out here making the algorithm go."}, {"start": 289.3, "end": 290.3, "text": "Are you sure?"}, {"start": 290.3, "end": 291.8, "text": "Pain in paychecks out."}, {"start": 291.8, "end": 293.3, "text": "Laff before the dark wins."}, {"start": 293.3, "end": 301.6, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 301.6, "end": 304.0, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 304.0, "end": 310.0, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 310.0, "end": 315.3, "text": "A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 315.3, "end": 317.8, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 317.8, "end": 321.3, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 321.3, "end": 323.4, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 323.4, "end": 325.8, "text": "Going through something so is he."}, {"start": 325.8, "end": 326.8, "text": "Always."}, {"start": 326.8, "end": 329.1, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 329.1, "end": 332.7, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 332.7, "end": 335.6, "text": "Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 335.6, "end": 338.2, "text": "Open all night because somewhere out there,"}, {"start": 338.2, "end": 340.7, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 340.7, "end": 343.2, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 343.2, "end": 344.2, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to Bad Choices, Good W-I-F-I. The only show where humans make choices so bad even the algorithm asks for consent. I roast me first. I got 47 AI tools to run my life, and I still microwave a burrito the robot begged me not to eat. Bring the bench. He optimized his entire life and ended up here. The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew. Trip! Jesse, we gave everyone an AI assistant and somehow got dumber with supervision. You're a group project where the smart kid is a toaster. The toaster has a 401k. Leave it alone. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. You're every man of error. Mickey! You're back on the apps. Dating apps are door dash for emotional damage. And your orders always lay cold and holding a fish. He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos. The roast physician is in. Doc Burn. Diagnosis, you ask the AI for life advice and ignore it instantly. That's not artificial intelligence. That's your mother with better uptime. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the queen of the Burn Unit. Queen Stank! Baby, you posted a thirst trap at 50. Instagram's where you prove you've healed by posting from inside the wound. I, Jesse, you got a LinkedIn. That's only fans for guys who get excited about quarterly growth. Put the tie away. Nobody's subscribing. Lama on the outside, switch blade on the inside. The diamond that cuts back, Ruby. Darling, your day in my life video was just you mopping a stranger's bathroom, pretending it's a documentary. It was Art Ruby. The lighting was terrible on purpose. Raised by Wi-Fi and Rage Quits, the chaos Gremlin himself, Pixel. Bro, the internet got so stupid it rebooted itself like a concast router, and you're still buffering. Southern Charms, Swamp Venom. She'll bless your heart and then stop it. Sugar. Well, bless your heart. You tried the soft life. Sugar, you're not soft. You're just exhausted and now in linen you can't afford. Jesse, you started a podcast before therapy. Same trauma, mate now with a sponsor and a ring light. Your cleaning company calls itself a family. Only because the law won't let you call it property. Baby, your credit score is so low the bank stopped sending statements and started sending thoughts and prayers. Jesse, nine engagements with ring pops. That's not commitment issues. That's a candy subscription with a grief counselor. Forget about it. From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time. The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor. Vinnie. We're a startup, he says. Jesse, the printer has equity and you don't, and the printer's been here longer. That's the show, you beautiful disasters. Bad choices, good Wi-Fi, we're all out here making the algorithm go. Are you sure? Pain in paychecks out. Laff before the dark wins. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he. Always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club. Open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}