{"file": "audio/vault/79_open_mic_night_1.mp3", "duration_sec": 262.1, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 28.14, "text": "We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 34.04, "text": "Welcome to Open Mike Knight at the Red Line."}, {"start": 34.04, "end": 35.84, "text": "The rule is simple, degenerates."}, {"start": 35.84, "end": 37.44, "text": "You get one shot to make me laugh."}, {"start": 37.44, "end": 39.84, "text": "You kill, you stay, you bomb, you go on ice."}, {"start": 39.84, "end": 44.04, "text": "I roast me first 50 single and I clean toilets so the bar is in health."}, {"start": 44.04, "end": 45.04, "text": "Let's go."}, {"start": 45.04, "end": 53.42, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here."}, {"start": 53.42, "end": 56.42, "text": "The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew."}, {"start": 56.42, "end": 57.42, "text": "Trip!"}, {"start": 57.42, "end": 63.42, "text": "Jesse, you automated your whole life with AI,"}, {"start": 63.42, "end": 65.42, "text": "but still can't automate a second date."}, {"start": 65.42, "end": 67.42, "text": "Even the algorithm left you on read."}, {"start": 67.42, "end": 72.82, "text": "That stays next."}, {"start": 76.94, "end": 81.14, "text": "A man who proposes with ring pop's nine times isn't a romantic."}, {"start": 81.14, "end": 83.34, "text": "He's running a Ponzi scheme with sugar."}, {"start": 83.34, "end": 86.94, "text": "Oh, oh."}, {"start": 86.94, "end": 90.98, "text": "Oh, wait a-chah, she stays next."}, {"start": 90.98, "end": 92.98, "text": "All protein, one personality."}, {"start": 92.98, "end": 99.09, "text": "The gym bro who skipped leg day and therapy, skip!"}, {"start": 99.09, "end": 102.09, "text": "Bro, oh you're like old and you got dogs so like"}, {"start": 102.09, "end": 107.42, "text": "that's the joke, bro."}, {"start": 107.42, "end": 114.03, "text": "Ice, take a seat in the freezer, skip."}, {"start": 114.03, "end": 116.03, "text": "Your dating profile,"}, {"start": 116.03, "end": 119.03, "text": "should just be a photo of a mom."}, {"start": 119.03, "end": 122.83, "text": "words, emotionally unavailable."}, {"start": 122.83, "end": 128.53, "text": "But I'll clean up after."}, {"start": 128.53, "end": 133.36, "text": "She stays next."}, {"start": 133.36, "end": 135.84, "text": "He brings the doom, the gloom, and a voice from the bottom"}, {"start": 135.84, "end": 136.68, "text": "of a well."}, {"start": 136.68, "end": 142.17, "text": "Please welcome Graves."}, {"start": 142.17, "end": 143.97, "text": "That comes for us all, Jesse."}, {"start": 143.97, "end": 149.99, "text": "For you, it'll just be a relief from the silence."}, {"start": 149.99, "end": 154.49, "text": "Dark will but it stays next."}, {"start": 154.49, "end": 156.53, "text": "Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits,"}, {"start": 156.53, "end": 162.2, "text": "the chaos Gremlin himself picks up."}, {"start": 162.2, "end": 164.76, "text": "OK, so like your Riz is in single digits"}, {"start": 164.76, "end": 166.56, "text": "and your age is in double digits,"}, {"start": 166.56, "end": 172.95, "text": "and that's the wrong way around Gramps."}, {"start": 172.95, "end": 179.05, "text": "That SD-A-Y-S Benny closed the night."}, {"start": 179.05, "end": 181.81, "text": "I, Jesse, open mic, huh?"}, {"start": 181.81, "end": 183.77, "text": "In my neighborhood, the only open mic"}, {"start": 183.77, "end": 186.65, "text": "was my uncle confessing to the whole family."}, {"start": 186.65, "end": 188.57, "text": "And even he had a wife."}, {"start": 188.57, "end": 195.88, "text": "Forget about it."}, {"start": 195.88, "end": 197.96, "text": "Benny SD-A-Y-S, he's a headliner."}, {"start": 197.96, "end": 199.4, "text": "That's open mic night, folks."}, {"start": 199.4, "end": 202.6, "text": "Some killed, skips on ice, and the owners still the punchline."}, {"start": 202.6, "end": 204.68, "text": "Come back next week and take your shot."}, {"start": 204.68, "end": 206.12, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 206.12, "end": 207.36, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 207.36, "end": 214.46, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 214.46, "end": 216.86, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 216.86, "end": 221.1, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour"}, {"start": 221.1, "end": 225.02, "text": "of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 225.02, "end": 228.1, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 228.1, "end": 230.66, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 230.66, "end": 234.18, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 234.18, "end": 236.18, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 236.18, "end": 239.66, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 239.66, "end": 241.94, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 241.94, "end": 245.54, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 245.54, "end": 248.46, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club"}, {"start": 248.46, "end": 249.58, "text": "open all night."}, {"start": 249.58, "end": 253.54, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 253.54, "end": 254.58, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 254.58, "end": 256.06, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 256.06, "end": 257.58, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to Open Mike Knight at the Red Line. The rule is simple, degenerates. You get one shot to make me laugh. You kill, you stay, you bomb, you go on ice. I roast me first 50 single and I clean toilets so the bar is in health. Let's go. He optimized his entire life and ended up here. The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew. Trip! Jesse, you automated your whole life with AI, but still can't automate a second date. Even the algorithm left you on read. That stays next. A man who proposes with ring pop's nine times isn't a romantic. He's running a Ponzi scheme with sugar. Oh, oh. Oh, wait a-chah, she stays next. All protein, one personality. The gym bro who skipped leg day and therapy, skip! Bro, oh you're like old and you got dogs so like that's the joke, bro. Ice, take a seat in the freezer, skip. Your dating profile, should just be a photo of a mom. words, emotionally unavailable. But I'll clean up after. She stays next. He brings the doom, the gloom, and a voice from the bottom of a well. Please welcome Graves. That comes for us all, Jesse. For you, it'll just be a relief from the silence. Dark will but it stays next. Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits, the chaos Gremlin himself picks up. OK, so like your Riz is in single digits and your age is in double digits, and that's the wrong way around Gramps. That SD-A-Y-S Benny closed the night. I, Jesse, open mic, huh? In my neighborhood, the only open mic was my uncle confessing to the whole family. And even he had a wife. Forget about it. Benny SD-A-Y-S, he's a headliner. That's open mic night, folks. Some killed, skips on ice, and the owners still the punchline. Come back next week and take your shot. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}