{"file": "audio/vault/78_benchwarmers_28.mp3", "duration_sec": 555.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 28.14, "text": "We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 33.64, "text": "Welcome to the Red Line Roll Call."}, {"start": 33.64, "end": 36.64, "text": "All 28 bench-warmers, one chair, no mercy."}, {"start": 36.64, "end": 38.64, "text": "Rule of the room, I roast me first."}, {"start": 38.64, "end": 42.64, "text": "50 years old, three dogs, single, and I clean toilets for a living,"}, {"start": 42.64, "end": 45.64, "text": "so basically, I peeked at has a key to the building."}, {"start": 45.64, "end": 46.64, "text": "Bring the bench."}, {"start": 46.64, "end": 55.79, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 55.79, "end": 57.79, "text": "Your every man of error?"}, {"start": 57.79, "end": 58.79, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 58.79, "end": 64.96, "text": "Jesse, your 50 and your search history is just,"}, {"start": 64.96, "end": 66.96, "text": "is it normal to be this alone?"}, {"start": 66.96, "end": 73.03, "text": "Yeah, buddy, for you, it is."}, {"start": 73.03, "end": 76.03, "text": "From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time."}, {"start": 76.03, "end": 79.03, "text": "The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor?"}, {"start": 79.03, "end": 83.01, "text": "Vinnie!"}, {"start": 83.01, "end": 86.01, "text": "Nine engagements and you proposed with ring pops."}, {"start": 86.01, "end": 89.01, "text": "You spent more at the candy aisle than most guys spent on a real ring"}, {"start": 89.01, "end": 94.76, "text": "and still got dumped at the register."}, {"start": 94.76, "end": 98.76, "text": "He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos."}, {"start": 98.76, "end": 104.83, "text": "The roast physician is in, Doc Burn."}, {"start": 104.83, "end": 108.83, "text": "I read your chart, cause of loneliness, you prognosis also you."}, {"start": 108.83, "end": 114.22, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 114.22, "end": 117.22, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank!"}, {"start": 121.36, "end": 125.36, "text": "Baby, you clean toilets all day and go home to three dogs."}, {"start": 125.36, "end": 128.36, "text": "Your whole life smells like pine salt and giving up."}, {"start": 131.36, "end": 133.36, "text": "Loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county?"}, {"start": 133.36, "end": 136.36, "text": "She loves you, she'll bury you big mama!"}, {"start": 136.36, "end": 141.27, "text": "50 and single with three dogs."}, {"start": 141.27, "end": 148.8, "text": "Sugar, you're not a bachelor, you're a foster home that failed inspection."}, {"start": 148.8, "end": 151.8, "text": "Flammer on the outside, switchblade on the inside."}, {"start": 151.8, "end": 153.8, "text": "The diamond that cuts back, Ruby!"}, {"start": 158.03, "end": 160.03, "text": "Darling, your credit score said law."}, {"start": 160.03, "end": 163.03, "text": "And honestly, so did your last three dates."}, {"start": 164.03, "end": 168.03, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here."}, {"start": 168.03, "end": 171.03, "text": "The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew."}, {"start": 171.03, "end": 175.01, "text": "Trip!"}, {"start": 175.01, "end": 179.01, "text": "You bought a 2018 Tesla because they swore it had drive your customers without you."}, {"start": 179.01, "end": 181.01, "text": "Bro, the car ghosted you too."}, {"start": 181.01, "end": 188.08, "text": "He brings the doom, the gloom, and a voice from the bottom of a well."}, {"start": 188.08, "end": 190.08, "text": "Please welcome Graves!"}, {"start": 193.96, "end": 196.96, "text": "You quit drinking, quit women, quit your jobs."}, {"start": 196.96, "end": 199.96, "text": "The only thing you've ever committed to is leaving."}, {"start": 199.96, "end": 201.96, "text": "Even the Reaper said A, he'll cancel."}, {"start": 201.96, "end": 206.55, "text": "All protein, one personality."}, {"start": 206.55, "end": 209.55, "text": "The Jim Bro who skipped leg day in therapy, skip!"}, {"start": 209.55, "end": 215.75, "text": "Bro, you're 50, that's not a dad bod."}, {"start": 215.75, "end": 217.75, "text": "That's a gave up in 2009 bod."}, {"start": 217.75, "end": 219.75, "text": "Get swole, get a wife, do something."}, {"start": 219.75, "end": 225.08, "text": "Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits."}, {"start": 225.08, "end": 230.9, "text": "The chaos Gremlin himself, pixel!"}, {"start": 230.9, "end": 235.9, "text": "Your love life is nine tutorials and you rage quit before the boss every time."}, {"start": 235.9, "end": 237.9, "text": "Uninstall yourself king."}, {"start": 237.9, "end": 244.04, "text": "Older than your house, filthier than your group chat."}, {"start": 244.04, "end": 245.04, "text": "Grandpa's got no breaks."}, {"start": 245.04, "end": 250.02, "text": "Pops!"}, {"start": 250.02, "end": 254.02, "text": "Kid, in my day we cleaned our own toilets and called it a marriage."}, {"start": 254.02, "end": 257.02, "text": "You clean strangers toilets and call it an empire."}, {"start": 257.02, "end": 262.32, "text": "She runs on sarcasm and a triple A battery."}, {"start": 262.32, "end": 264.32, "text": "The deadpan android."}, {"start": 264.32, "end": 268.2, "text": "Circuit!"}, {"start": 268.2, "end": 269.2, "text": "Analysis complete."}, {"start": 269.2, "end": 272.2, "text": "50-year-old male, three dogs, zero matches."}, {"start": 272.2, "end": 274.2, "text": "I'm a robot and even I swipe left."}, {"start": 274.2, "end": 281.56, "text": "I, Jessie, 50, you clean the toilets."}, {"start": 281.56, "end": 283.56, "text": "Three dogs, no wife."}, {"start": 283.56, "end": 288.56, "text": "In my family we'd have you married by 20 just so you'd stop embarrassing us."}, {"start": 288.56, "end": 290.56, "text": "Mama Mia."}, {"start": 295.94, "end": 297.94, "text": "She'll sing you a lullaby and then end your bloodline."}, {"start": 297.94, "end": 300.94, "text": "Sweet on the verse, lethal on the chorus."}, {"start": 300.94, "end": 301.94, "text": "Melody."}, {"start": 301.94, "end": 306.82, "text": "Here's your theme song, Jessie."}, {"start": 306.82, "end": 310.82, "text": "Nobody's home, the dogs are asleep and he's googling company for one."}, {"start": 310.82, "end": 312.82, "text": "That's the whole chorus baby."}, {"start": 312.82, "end": 317.57, "text": "Southern charm, swamp venom."}, {"start": 317.57, "end": 319.57, "text": "She'll bless your heart and then stop it."}, {"start": 319.57, "end": 320.57, "text": "Sugar."}, {"start": 320.57, "end": 327.51, "text": "Bless your heart, you turned broke, single, and a janitor into a brand."}, {"start": 327.51, "end": 329.51, "text": "That's not resilience, sugar."}, {"start": 329.51, "end": 332.51, "text": "That's a hostage video with a logo."}, {"start": 332.51, "end": 337.51, "text": "She showed up late, loud, and somehow funnier than all of you."}, {"start": 337.51, "end": 341.51, "text": "The party that never RSVPs, Jess."}, {"start": 341.51, "end": 346.42, "text": "You proposed with Ring Pops 9 times."}, {"start": 346.42, "end": 350.42, "text": "That's so unhinged I'd date you just to see number 10, almost."}, {"start": 350.42, "end": 357.28, "text": "Your aura is the color of a 2am gas station, Jessie."}, {"start": 357.28, "end": 362.28, "text": "Breathe in and accept that the dogs are only using you for the thumbs."}, {"start": 362.28, "end": 369.27, "text": "40 years."}, {"start": 369.27, "end": 373.27, "text": "I've never seen a man say table for one."}, {"start": 373.27, "end": 375.27, "text": "With that much confidence."}, {"start": 376.27, "end": 382.02, "text": "And that much defeat."}, {"start": 382.02, "end": 386.02, "text": "Baby, I've buried two husbands with more game than you, and they were in the ground."}, {"start": 386.02, "end": 392.38, "text": "Bro, you've been about to get my life together for 30 years."}, {"start": 392.38, "end": 394.38, "text": "That's not a journey, that's a screensaver."}, {"start": 394.38, "end": 403.74, "text": "One does wonder how a man cleans toilets all day and still cannot get his own affairs in order."}, {"start": 403.74, "end": 404.74, "text": "Bravo, truly."}, {"start": 404.74, "end": 412.56, "text": "Imperically, you are the only man alive who turned a midlife crisis into a small business"}, {"start": 412.56, "end": 414.56, "text": "and a personality test."}, {"start": 414.56, "end": 416.56, "text": "The data is grim."}, {"start": 419.99, "end": 423.99, "text": "Oi, Jessie, nine birds left here and three dogs stayed."}, {"start": 423.99, "end": 426.99, "text": "Even the DOGS are only in it for the food mate."}, {"start": 426.99, "end": 431.81, "text": "Nine engagements."}, {"start": 431.81, "end": 434.81, "text": "Where I'm from, you propose once."}, {"start": 434.81, "end": 437.81, "text": "And if you blow it, you move to a new state."}, {"start": 437.81, "end": 440.81, "text": "You propose and say nine times in the same zip code."}, {"start": 440.81, "end": 442.81, "text": "That's not romance."}, {"start": 442.81, "end": 444.81, "text": "Tosakim boi, Jens."}, {"start": 444.81, "end": 446.81, "text": "That's a hostage negotiation."}, {"start": 446.81, "end": 452.94, "text": "How lovely a man who alphabetized his regrets."}, {"start": 452.94, "end": 457.94, "text": "You're on M, I believe, for maybe shower before the date."}, {"start": 457.94, "end": 462.19, "text": "50 skint, single, clean in the bogs."}, {"start": 462.19, "end": 466.19, "text": "Round my way, that's a Tuesday, but at least we'd have a pint and a person."}, {"start": 466.19, "end": 473.3, "text": "A tragedy, a man, alone with a mop and a personality quiz."}, {"start": 473.3, "end": 477.3, "text": "Alert the tones, it's a one-man show nobody bought tickets to."}, {"start": 477.3, "end": 478.3, "text": "Yeah!"}, {"start": 478.3, "end": 484.58, "text": "You're 50 with three dogs and no wife and somehow I'm still the scariest thing on this stage."}, {"start": 484.58, "end": 486.58, "text": "Tiny, but true."}, {"start": 487.58, "end": 492.34, "text": "That's all 28 you beautiful animals."}, {"start": 492.34, "end": 496.34, "text": "The whole bench unloaded Benny went full sopranos and the owner is still the punchline."}, {"start": 496.34, "end": 498.34, "text": "Paying in paychecks out."}, {"start": 498.34, "end": 508.0, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 508.0, "end": 510.0, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 510.0, "end": 516.0, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 516.0, "end": 518.0, "text": "A brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 518.0, "end": 522.0, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 522.0, "end": 524.0, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 524.0, "end": 528.0, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 528.0, "end": 530.0, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 530.0, "end": 533.0, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 533.0, "end": 536.0, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 536.0, "end": 539.0, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 539.0, "end": 542.0, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 542.0, "end": 543.0, "text": "Open all night."}, {"start": 543.0, "end": 547.0, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 547.0, "end": 550.0, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 550.0, "end": 551.0, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the Red Line Roll Call. All 28 bench-warmers, one chair, no mercy. Rule of the room, I roast me first. 50 years old, three dogs, single, and I clean toilets for a living, so basically, I peeked at has a key to the building. Bring the bench. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. Your every man of error? Mickey! Jesse, your 50 and your search history is just, is it normal to be this alone? Yeah, buddy, for you, it is. From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time. The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor? Vinnie! Nine engagements and you proposed with ring pops. You spent more at the candy aisle than most guys spent on a real ring and still got dumped at the register. He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos. The roast physician is in, Doc Burn. I read your chart, cause of loneliness, you prognosis also you. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank! Baby, you clean toilets all day and go home to three dogs. Your whole life smells like pine salt and giving up. Loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county? She loves you, she'll bury you big mama! 50 and single with three dogs. Sugar, you're not a bachelor, you're a foster home that failed inspection. Flammer on the outside, switchblade on the inside. The diamond that cuts back, Ruby! Darling, your credit score said law. And honestly, so did your last three dates. He optimized his entire life and ended up here. The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew. Trip! You bought a 2018 Tesla because they swore it had drive your customers without you. Bro, the car ghosted you too. He brings the doom, the gloom, and a voice from the bottom of a well. Please welcome Graves! You quit drinking, quit women, quit your jobs. The only thing you've ever committed to is leaving. Even the Reaper said A, he'll cancel. All protein, one personality. The Jim Bro who skipped leg day in therapy, skip! Bro, you're 50, that's not a dad bod. That's a gave up in 2009 bod. Get swole, get a wife, do something. Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits. The chaos Gremlin himself, pixel! Your love life is nine tutorials and you rage quit before the boss every time. Uninstall yourself king. Older than your house, filthier than your group chat. Grandpa's got no breaks. Pops! Kid, in my day we cleaned our own toilets and called it a marriage. You clean strangers toilets and call it an empire. She runs on sarcasm and a triple A battery. The deadpan android. Circuit! Analysis complete. 50-year-old male, three dogs, zero matches. I'm a robot and even I swipe left. I, Jessie, 50, you clean the toilets. Three dogs, no wife. In my family we'd have you married by 20 just so you'd stop embarrassing us. Mama Mia. She'll sing you a lullaby and then end your bloodline. Sweet on the verse, lethal on the chorus. Melody. Here's your theme song, Jessie. Nobody's home, the dogs are asleep and he's googling company for one. That's the whole chorus baby. Southern charm, swamp venom. She'll bless your heart and then stop it. Sugar. Bless your heart, you turned broke, single, and a janitor into a brand. That's not resilience, sugar. That's a hostage video with a logo. She showed up late, loud, and somehow funnier than all of you. The party that never RSVPs, Jess. You proposed with Ring Pops 9 times. That's so unhinged I'd date you just to see number 10, almost. Your aura is the color of a 2am gas station, Jessie. Breathe in and accept that the dogs are only using you for the thumbs. 40 years. I've never seen a man say table for one. With that much confidence. And that much defeat. Baby, I've buried two husbands with more game than you, and they were in the ground. Bro, you've been about to get my life together for 30 years. That's not a journey, that's a screensaver. One does wonder how a man cleans toilets all day and still cannot get his own affairs in order. Bravo, truly. Imperically, you are the only man alive who turned a midlife crisis into a small business and a personality test. The data is grim. Oi, Jessie, nine birds left here and three dogs stayed. Even the DOGS are only in it for the food mate. Nine engagements. Where I'm from, you propose once. And if you blow it, you move to a new state. You propose and say nine times in the same zip code. That's not romance. Tosakim boi, Jens. That's a hostage negotiation. How lovely a man who alphabetized his regrets. You're on M, I believe, for maybe shower before the date. 50 skint, single, clean in the bogs. Round my way, that's a Tuesday, but at least we'd have a pint and a person. A tragedy, a man, alone with a mop and a personality quiz. Alert the tones, it's a one-man show nobody bought tickets to. Yeah! You're 50 with three dogs and no wife and somehow I'm still the scariest thing on this stage. Tiny, but true. That's all 28 you beautiful animals. The whole bench unloaded Benny went full sopranos and the owner is still the punchline. Paying in paychecks out. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club. Open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}