{"file": "audio/vault/77_jesses_desert_grand_opening.mp3", "duration_sec": 271.1, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.14, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 34.3, "text": "Welcome to my house, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 34.3, "end": 37.5, "text": "Red Line, my adult Las Vegas in the middle of the desert."}, {"start": 37.5, "end": 40.3, "text": "Four rooms, no mercy, thick skin only."}, {"start": 40.3, "end": 44.5, "text": "House rule, every comic lands a real punchline or I feed him to the kiosk."}, {"start": 44.5, "end": 52.91, "text": "I roast me first. Let's tour the rooms."}, {"start": 52.91, "end": 54.31, "text": "Room one, the carnival."}, {"start": 54.31, "end": 58.11, "text": "Step right up and watch a 50-year-old man lose at his own games."}, {"start": 58.11, "end": 59.51, "text": "Paulie get in here."}, {"start": 59.51, "end": 67.85, "text": "I just..."}, {"start": 67.85, "end": 69.85, "text": "You built the carnival in the desert?"}, {"start": 69.85, "end": 72.25, "text": "Pal, your whole life is a carnival."}, {"start": 72.25, "end": 75.05, "text": "The rides are broke, the games are rigged."}, {"start": 75.05, "end": 78.25, "text": "And somebody's always crammed by the funnel cake."}, {"start": 78.25, "end": 85.54, "text": "Baby, step right up, winner prize."}, {"start": 85.54, "end": 88.14, "text": "Oh, wait. That's your dating profile."}, {"start": 88.14, "end": 92.14, "text": "And the grand prize is three dogs in a sleep schedule."}, {"start": 92.14, "end": 95.14, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 95.14, "end": 98.14, "text": "Room two, the fun house."}, {"start": 98.14, "end": 100.14, "text": "Jesse show them the mirrors."}, {"start": 100.14, "end": 108.98, "text": "Jesse, this fun house mirror makes you look fat and single."}, {"start": 109.18, "end": 112.18, "text": "So it's just a regular mirror with better lighting."}, {"start": 117.02, "end": 121.42, "text": "My man, the hall of mirrors, shows a guy who should have called his fiance back, all nine of them."}, {"start": 127.46, "end": 131.66, "text": "We're halfway through the desert and I've already lost more than I did in the divorces."}, {"start": 131.66, "end": 133.26, "text": "Room three, the haunted house."}, {"start": 133.26, "end": 139.84, "text": "Maxie."}, {"start": 139.84, "end": 142.84, "text": "Jesse, the ghosts left this haunted house."}, {"start": 142.84, "end": 147.84, "text": "They said the real horror was a 50-year-old man with three dogs and nine engagement receipts."}, {"start": 154.17, "end": 158.57, "text": "Caro, I saw a spirit float by and whisper one word."}, {"start": 158.57, "end": 168.9, "text": "It was your bank account and it said, LOL."}, {"start": 168.9, "end": 170.9, "text": "Room four, the Vegas main stage."}, {"start": 170.9, "end": 182.34, "text": "Tony Diesel closed it out."}, {"start": 182.34, "end": 189.34, "text": "This is the only casino where the house always loses because the house is Jesse and he can't catch a break or a wife."}, {"start": 194.11, "end": 197.91, "text": "Jesse, you built the Vegas with no clocks and no windows."}, {"start": 197.91, "end": 199.11, "text": "Smart."}, {"start": 199.11, "end": 203.11, "text": "Now nobody can see how long it's been since somebody loved you."}, {"start": 203.11, "end": 211.85, "text": "Four rooms, the best voices, no mercy and the owners still the punchline."}, {"start": 211.85, "end": 213.85, "text": "That's my desert."}, {"start": 213.85, "end": 215.85, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 215.85, "end": 223.45, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 223.45, "end": 225.45, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 225.45, "end": 233.45, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 233.45, "end": 239.45, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 239.45, "end": 242.45, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 242.45, "end": 244.45, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 244.45, "end": 247.45, "text": "Going through something so is he, always."}, {"start": 247.45, "end": 250.45, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 250.45, "end": 253.45, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 253.45, "end": 257.45, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club, open all night."}, {"start": 257.45, "end": 261.45, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 261.45, "end": 264.45, "text": "Subscribe. He needs the attention."}, {"start": 264.45, "end": 265.45, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to my house, you beautiful degenerates. Red Line, my adult Las Vegas in the middle of the desert. Four rooms, no mercy, thick skin only. House rule, every comic lands a real punchline or I feed him to the kiosk. I roast me first. Let's tour the rooms. Room one, the carnival. Step right up and watch a 50-year-old man lose at his own games. Paulie get in here. I just... You built the carnival in the desert? Pal, your whole life is a carnival. The rides are broke, the games are rigged. And somebody's always crammed by the funnel cake. Baby, step right up, winner prize. Oh, wait. That's your dating profile. And the grand prize is three dogs in a sleep schedule. Oh! Room two, the fun house. Jesse show them the mirrors. Jesse, this fun house mirror makes you look fat and single. So it's just a regular mirror with better lighting. My man, the hall of mirrors, shows a guy who should have called his fiance back, all nine of them. We're halfway through the desert and I've already lost more than I did in the divorces. Room three, the haunted house. Maxie. Jesse, the ghosts left this haunted house. They said the real horror was a 50-year-old man with three dogs and nine engagement receipts. Caro, I saw a spirit float by and whisper one word. It was your bank account and it said, LOL. Room four, the Vegas main stage. Tony Diesel closed it out. This is the only casino where the house always loses because the house is Jesse and he can't catch a break or a wife. Jesse, you built the Vegas with no clocks and no windows. Smart. Now nobody can see how long it's been since somebody loved you. Four rooms, the best voices, no mercy and the owners still the punchline. That's my desert. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club, open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}