{"file": "audio/vault/70_ex_girlfriends_roast.mp3", "duration_sec": 239.6, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.14, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 33.38, "text": "Welcome back to the Red Line."}, {"start": 33.38, "end": 35.78, "text": "Tonight the roast master opens the vault."}, {"start": 35.78, "end": 38.98, "text": "Every ex, every ring pop, every near miss at the altar."}, {"start": 38.98, "end": 46.47, "text": "Give it up for Jesse."}, {"start": 46.47, "end": 49.67, "text": "Thank you and remember the rule I roast me first."}, {"start": 49.67, "end": 52.67, "text": "So let's talk about my exes, which is really just a list of"}, {"start": 52.67, "end": 59.19, "text": "MY decisions wearing different perfume."}, {"start": 59.19, "end": 60.59, "text": "Nine engagements."}, {"start": 60.59, "end": 68.5, "text": "Nine, I didn't date, I auditioned women for forever and then ghosted at the call back."}, {"start": 68.5, "end": 73.66, "text": "Bring up exhibit A."}, {"start": 73.66, "end": 75.66, "text": "There was the one I'll call the chameleon."}, {"start": 75.66, "end": 79.66, "text": "She changed for me, I changed for her, and we ended up two total strangers"}, {"start": 79.66, "end": 87.1, "text": "stuck in a bill day bear."}, {"start": 87.1, "end": 90.9, "text": "Then there was the protector, strong, fierce, guarded her heart like a vault,"}, {"start": 90.9, "end": 97.75, "text": "guarded it right out of my life, smartest woman I ever met."}, {"start": 97.75, "end": 100.55, "text": "Glamour on the outside, switchblade on the inside,"}, {"start": 100.55, "end": 106.58, "text": "the diamond that cuts back, Ruby."}, {"start": 106.58, "end": 108.98, "text": "Darling, you propose with ring pops."}, {"start": 108.98, "end": 117.3, "text": "Your exes didn't leave you, they finished the candy and read the room."}, {"start": 117.3, "end": 119.7, "text": "The ring pop is a commitment to flavor Ruby."}, {"start": 119.7, "end": 124.43, "text": "Sugar go."}, {"start": 124.43, "end": 126.03, "text": "Southern charm, swamp venom."}, {"start": 126.03, "end": 127.83, "text": "She'll bless your heart and then stop it."}, {"start": 127.83, "end": 131.74, "text": "Sugar."}, {"start": 131.74, "end": 136.34, "text": "Well, bless your heart, you got an ex for every color in that little book of yours."}, {"start": 136.34, "end": 140.34, "text": "That's not a love life, that's a sample pack."}, {"start": 140.34, "end": 151.13, "text": "I'm a sommelier of heartbreak, thank you very much."}, {"start": 151.13, "end": 154.13, "text": "From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time."}, {"start": 154.13, "end": 161.14, "text": "The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor, Vinny."}, {"start": 161.14, "end": 166.14, "text": "Jesse, all your exes got one thing in common, and he's sitting right there in the chair."}, {"start": 166.14, "end": 173.27, "text": "That's the whole bit, folks."}, {"start": 173.27, "end": 177.27, "text": "I roasted my exes by roasting the only thing they all had in common, Emi."}, {"start": 177.27, "end": 179.87, "text": "Nine engagements, zero weddings, one lesson."}, {"start": 179.87, "end": 182.07, "text": "I was the red flag I kept warning them about."}, {"start": 182.07, "end": 183.47, "text": "Laugh at me first."}, {"start": 183.47, "end": 185.67, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 185.67, "end": 194.34, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 194.34, "end": 202.34, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 202.34, "end": 205.34, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 205.34, "end": 207.94, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 207.94, "end": 211.34, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 211.34, "end": 213.34, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 213.34, "end": 216.94, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 216.94, "end": 219.34, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 219.34, "end": 222.74, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 222.74, "end": 226.74, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night."}, {"start": 226.74, "end": 230.74, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 230.74, "end": 233.34, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 233.34, "end": 234.34, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome back to the Red Line. Tonight the roast master opens the vault. Every ex, every ring pop, every near miss at the altar. Give it up for Jesse. Thank you and remember the rule I roast me first. So let's talk about my exes, which is really just a list of MY decisions wearing different perfume. Nine engagements. Nine, I didn't date, I auditioned women for forever and then ghosted at the call back. Bring up exhibit A. There was the one I'll call the chameleon. She changed for me, I changed for her, and we ended up two total strangers stuck in a bill day bear. Then there was the protector, strong, fierce, guarded her heart like a vault, guarded it right out of my life, smartest woman I ever met. Glamour on the outside, switchblade on the inside, the diamond that cuts back, Ruby. Darling, you propose with ring pops. Your exes didn't leave you, they finished the candy and read the room. The ring pop is a commitment to flavor Ruby. Sugar go. Southern charm, swamp venom. She'll bless your heart and then stop it. Sugar. Well, bless your heart, you got an ex for every color in that little book of yours. That's not a love life, that's a sample pack. I'm a sommelier of heartbreak, thank you very much. From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time. The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor, Vinny. Jesse, all your exes got one thing in common, and he's sitting right there in the chair. That's the whole bit, folks. I roasted my exes by roasting the only thing they all had in common, Emi. Nine engagements, zero weddings, one lesson. I was the red flag I kept warning them about. Laugh at me first. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}