{"file": "audio/vault/67_funhouse_whole_bench.mp3", "duration_sec": 476.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 9.58, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to"}, {"start": 9.58, "end": 11.66, "text": "the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.66, "end": 16.5, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring"}, {"start": 16.5, "end": 20.54, "text": "a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically"}, {"start": 20.54, "end": 21.94, "text": "a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.94, "end": 23.94, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.94, "end": 25.54, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.54, "end": 26.98, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.98, "end": 31.83, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 31.83, "end": 35.95, "text": "Ladies, gentlemen and whatever the hell pixel is tonight, welcome to the Red Line Fun"}, {"start": 35.95, "end": 36.95, "text": "House."}, {"start": 36.95, "end": 37.95, "text": "Falls are cropped."}, {"start": 37.95, "end": 41.27, "text": "The comics are unhinged and the man and the chair is still paying for all of it."}, {"start": 41.27, "end": 43.67, "text": "Tonight, the entire bench kills Jesse."}, {"start": 43.67, "end": 52.82, "text": "DJ Drop It."}, {"start": 52.82, "end": 53.82, "text": "Let's GOOO."}, {"start": 53.82, "end": 56.58, "text": "I gave the whole bench one rule tonight, destroy me."}, {"start": 56.58, "end": 57.58, "text": "Why?"}, {"start": 57.58, "end": 59.62, "text": "Therapy's expensive and you degenerates are free."}, {"start": 59.62, "end": 60.78, "text": "Bring the chaos."}, {"start": 60.78, "end": 71.29, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade?"}, {"start": 71.29, "end": 72.93, "text": "You're every man of error?"}, {"start": 72.93, "end": 77.1, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 77.1, "end": 80.26, "text": "Jesse, you turned your breakdown into a brand."}, {"start": 80.26, "end": 81.26, "text": "That's not resilience."}, {"start": 81.26, "end": 121.19, "text": "That's a yard sale of your own feelings."}, {"start": 121.19, "end": 123.31, "text": "Darling, nine engagements."}, {"start": 123.31, "end": 142.26, "text": "You've handed out more rings than a bowling alley and kept exactly as many."}, {"start": 142.26, "end": 145.66, "text": "You clean houses for a living and your own life's a crime scene."}, {"start": 145.66, "end": 155.77, "text": "The only thing spotless about you is your dating record because it's empty."}, {"start": 155.77, "end": 158.81, "text": "Hey Jesse, I read your book, Colors of My Pain."}, {"start": 158.81, "end": 162.49, "text": "Took me 20 minutes mostly because I kept laughing at the part where you thought she was"}, {"start": 162.49, "end": 163.49, "text": "the one."}, {"start": 163.49, "end": 169.78, "text": "Nine times."}, {"start": 169.78, "end": 172.58, "text": "Loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county."}, {"start": 172.58, "end": 178.6, "text": "She loves you, she'll bury you big mama."}, {"start": 178.6, "end": 182.92, "text": "Sweetheart, you got a whole rainbow of pain in that book and not one color for make better"}, {"start": 182.92, "end": 189.44, "text": "choices."}, {"start": 189.44, "end": 192.8, "text": "She showed up late, loud and somehow funnier than all of you."}, {"start": 192.8, "end": 199.34, "text": "The party that never RSVPs, yes."}, {"start": 199.34, "end": 201.46, "text": "Wait, you actually proposed with ring pops?"}, {"start": 201.46, "end": 203.02, "text": "That's so unhinged I'm obsessed."}, {"start": 203.02, "end": 210.99, "text": "You're broke and committed to the bit."}, {"start": 210.99, "end": 214.43, "text": "He came for comedy, he stayed because the door was technically locked."}, {"start": 214.43, "end": 215.91, "text": "This is the fun house."}, {"start": 215.91, "end": 227.21, "text": "You're not done, somebody check on Jesse, he's smiling that's never a good sign."}, {"start": 227.21, "end": 233.47, "text": "Next victim."}, {"start": 233.47, "end": 237.31, "text": "He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos."}, {"start": 237.31, "end": 243.48, "text": "The roast physician is in, Doc Burn."}, {"start": 243.48, "end": 255.22, "text": "Diagnosis, you're not broken, you just upholstered the cracks and called it a personality test."}, {"start": 255.22, "end": 263.96, "text": "Baby, I've buried husbands with better credit than you and they were dead."}, {"start": 263.96, "end": 272.11, "text": "All protein, one personality, the Jim Bro who skipped leg day in therapy, skip."}, {"start": 272.11, "end": 274.55, "text": "Bro, you quit drinking quit women, quit carbs."}, {"start": 274.55, "end": 275.55, "text": "What's left, bro?"}, {"start": 275.55, "end": 283.9, "text": "Oh, right, US roasting you."}, {"start": 283.9, "end": 287.94, "text": "She'll sing you a lullaby and then end your bloodline, sweet on the verse, lethal on"}, {"start": 287.94, "end": 293.21, "text": "the chorus, melody."}, {"start": 293.21, "end": 298.21, "text": "I wrote you a little song, Jesse, it goes, nobody's coming, nobody's coming, the dogs are"}, {"start": 298.21, "end": 305.75, "text": "asleep, that's the whole song."}, {"start": 305.75, "end": 310.31, "text": "Older than your house, filthier than your group chat, grandpa's got no breaks."}, {"start": 310.31, "end": 314.62, "text": "Pops!"}, {"start": 314.62, "end": 317.58, "text": "Kid in my day we didn't color code our trauma."}, {"start": 317.58, "end": 326.62, "text": "We drank it, denied it and died confused like men."}, {"start": 326.62, "end": 330.22, "text": "Southern charm, swamp venom, she'll bless your heart and then stop it."}, {"start": 330.22, "end": 334.13, "text": "Sugar."}, {"start": 334.13, "end": 338.81, "text": "Well bless your heart, sugar, you cracked the formula on women and the grand prize was"}, {"start": 338.81, "end": 343.05, "text": "a one bedroom and three dogs who screen your calls."}, {"start": 343.05, "end": 352.62, "text": "You've been left at more altars than the church mop."}, {"start": 352.62, "end": 362.34, "text": "At this point, the priest just keeps your spot warm."}, {"start": 362.34, "end": 369.94, "text": "Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits, the chaos Gremlin himself, pixel."}, {"start": 369.94, "end": 375.1, "text": "Bro, your love life is just nine save files and you deleted everyone before the boss fight,"}, {"start": 375.1, "end": 376.1, "text": "G.G."}, {"start": 376.1, "end": 382.77, "text": "No Ray."}, {"start": 382.77, "end": 386.97, "text": "Tragedy, a man, alone with a personality quiz and a mop."}, {"start": 386.97, "end": 389.77, "text": "Somebody get this poor soul a second act."}, {"start": 389.77, "end": 394.51, "text": "Yeah!"}, {"start": 394.51, "end": 396.79, "text": "That is the fun house you beautiful animals."}, {"start": 396.79, "end": 401.63, "text": "The whole bench took a swing, the man still standing and the dog still don't respect him."}, {"start": 401.63, "end": 415.46, "text": "Come back every hour every day 24-7 bomb dot-app and laugh before the dark wind, good night."}, {"start": 415.46, "end": 418.78, "text": "Best night of my life and I'm the punchline, pain in paychecks out."}, {"start": 418.78, "end": 428.95, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 428.95, "end": 431.27, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 431.27, "end": 437.71, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand"}, {"start": 437.71, "end": 439.43, "text": "new comic steps up."}, {"start": 439.43, "end": 445.15, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 445.15, "end": 448.71, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 448.71, "end": 449.71, "text": "Can't sleep?"}, {"start": 449.71, "end": 450.71, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 450.71, "end": 452.03, "text": "Going through something?"}, {"start": 452.03, "end": 454.07, "text": "So is he, always."}, {"start": 454.07, "end": 456.43, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 456.43, "end": 461.23, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 461.23, "end": 466.95, "text": "The Red Line Comedy Club, open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's"}, {"start": 466.95, "end": 467.95, "text": "fault."}, {"start": 467.95, "end": 468.95, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 468.95, "end": 470.47, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 470.47, "end": 470.83, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Ladies, gentlemen and whatever the hell pixel is tonight, welcome to the Red Line Fun House. Falls are cropped. The comics are unhinged and the man and the chair is still paying for all of it. Tonight, the entire bench kills Jesse. DJ Drop It. Let's GOOO. I gave the whole bench one rule tonight, destroy me. Why? Therapy's expensive and you degenerates are free. Bring the chaos. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade? You're every man of error? Mickey! Jesse, you turned your breakdown into a brand. That's not resilience. That's a yard sale of your own feelings. Darling, nine engagements. You've handed out more rings than a bowling alley and kept exactly as many. You clean houses for a living and your own life's a crime scene. The only thing spotless about you is your dating record because it's empty. Hey Jesse, I read your book, Colors of My Pain. Took me 20 minutes mostly because I kept laughing at the part where you thought she was the one. Nine times. Loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county. She loves you, she'll bury you big mama. Sweetheart, you got a whole rainbow of pain in that book and not one color for make better choices. She showed up late, loud and somehow funnier than all of you. The party that never RSVPs, yes. Wait, you actually proposed with ring pops? That's so unhinged I'm obsessed. You're broke and committed to the bit. He came for comedy, he stayed because the door was technically locked. This is the fun house. You're not done, somebody check on Jesse, he's smiling that's never a good sign. Next victim. He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos. The roast physician is in, Doc Burn. Diagnosis, you're not broken, you just upholstered the cracks and called it a personality test. Baby, I've buried husbands with better credit than you and they were dead. All protein, one personality, the Jim Bro who skipped leg day in therapy, skip. Bro, you quit drinking quit women, quit carbs. What's left, bro? Oh, right, US roasting you. She'll sing you a lullaby and then end your bloodline, sweet on the verse, lethal on the chorus, melody. I wrote you a little song, Jesse, it goes, nobody's coming, nobody's coming, the dogs are asleep, that's the whole song. Older than your house, filthier than your group chat, grandpa's got no breaks. Pops! Kid in my day we didn't color code our trauma. We drank it, denied it and died confused like men. Southern charm, swamp venom, she'll bless your heart and then stop it. Sugar. Well bless your heart, sugar, you cracked the formula on women and the grand prize was a one bedroom and three dogs who screen your calls. You've been left at more altars than the church mop. At this point, the priest just keeps your spot warm. Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits, the chaos Gremlin himself, pixel. Bro, your love life is just nine save files and you deleted everyone before the boss fight, G.G. No Ray. Tragedy, a man, alone with a personality quiz and a mop. Somebody get this poor soul a second act. Yeah! That is the fun house you beautiful animals. The whole bench took a swing, the man still standing and the dog still don't respect him. Come back every hour every day 24-7 bomb dot-app and laugh before the dark wind, good night. Best night of my life and I'm the punchline, pain in paychecks out. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep? We're up. Going through something? So is he, always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The Red Line Comedy Club, open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}