{"file": "audio/vault/64_killjesse_colors_roast.mp3", "duration_sec": 237.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 4.24, "text": "This is Bombed.app, where comedy never sleeps."}, {"start": 4.24, "end": 6.74, "text": "24 hours a day, seven days a week,"}, {"start": 6.74, "end": 8.54, "text": "we build it from nothing."}, {"start": 8.54, "end": 11.68, "text": "Every setup, every tag, every punch line,"}, {"start": 11.68, "end": 13.28, "text": "every knockout punch,"}, {"start": 13.28, "end": 16.64, "text": "born in the Red Line Comedy Club, adults only."}, {"start": 16.64, "end": 18.28, "text": "Where every joke gets judged,"}, {"start": 18.28, "end": 20.02, "text": "every comic gets roasted,"}, {"start": 20.02, "end": 22.12, "text": "and only the funniest survive the night."}, {"start": 22.12, "end": 24.68, "text": "We didn't build this to be like anybody else."}, {"start": 24.68, "end": 27.42, "text": "We built it because the world deserves a comedy machine"}, {"start": 27.42, "end": 30.56, "text": "that never clocks out and never plays it safe."}, {"start": 30.56, "end": 33.0, "text": "Now please welcome the man who turned a wrecked life"}, {"start": 33.0, "end": 36.76, "text": "into a comedy empire, your host, Jesse."}, {"start": 36.76, "end": 39.1, "text": "Welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 39.1, "end": 41.24, "text": "Tonight's the only open mic where the headliner"}, {"start": 41.24, "end": 43.1, "text": "is also the punching bag."}, {"start": 43.1, "end": 45.34, "text": "I wrote a book called Colors of My Pain,"}, {"start": 45.34, "end": 48.58, "text": "so naturally I turned my trauma into a game show."}, {"start": 48.58, "end": 53.76, "text": "Bring up the comics."}, {"start": 53.76, "end": 55.44, "text": "I gave every feeling a color."}, {"start": 55.44, "end": 56.84, "text": "Red, blue, green, yellow,"}, {"start": 56.84, "end": 59.2, "text": "it's a personality test and a crime scene."}, {"start": 59.2, "end": 65.23, "text": "So roast me, Mickey, you're up."}, {"start": 65.23, "end": 67.17, "text": "A whole book about your pain."}, {"start": 67.17, "end": 73.8, "text": "Brother, that's not a memoir, that's a receipt."}, {"start": 73.8, "end": 75.4, "text": "You color-coded your feelings"}, {"start": 75.4, "end": 77.6, "text": "because you couldn't afford a therapist."}, {"start": 77.6, "end": 78.92, "text": "That's not healing."}, {"start": 78.92, "end": 83.84, "text": "That's arts and crafts."}, {"start": 83.84, "end": 86.24, "text": "Hey, the crayons were cheaper than the divorce."}, {"start": 86.24, "end": 90.88, "text": "Doc Burn diagnosed me."}, {"start": 90.88, "end": 93.16, "text": "50 years old, three dogs, zero kids,"}, {"start": 93.16, "end": 95.64, "text": "sir, your bloodline ends like a free trial."}, {"start": 99.92, "end": 101.88, "text": "You name the color blue for depression."}, {"start": 101.88, "end": 107.14, "text": "Bold what's next, wet for crying."}, {"start": 107.14, "end": 108.9, "text": "I also have a yellow for anxiety."}, {"start": 108.9, "end": 110.18, "text": "Thank you very much."}, {"start": 110.18, "end": 114.77, "text": "Queen's tank let him have it."}, {"start": 114.77, "end": 117.69, "text": "Honey, nine engagements and not one wedding."}, {"start": 117.69, "end": 118.77, "text": "You don't propose."}, {"start": 118.77, "end": 124.2, "text": "You do market research."}, {"start": 124.2, "end": 127.44, "text": "You handed out ring pops as engagement rings."}, {"start": 127.44, "end": 133.89, "text": "The only thing you ever committed to was the candy aisle."}, {"start": 133.89, "end": 136.05, "text": "In my defense, the ring pop never asked"}, {"start": 136.05, "end": 143.48, "text": "where I was at 2 a.m., Nana, you're old enough to mean it."}, {"start": 143.48, "end": 145.0, "text": "Baby, I read your book."}, {"start": 145.0, "end": 147.52, "text": "I've had longer relationships with a carton of milk"}, {"start": 147.52, "end": 153.07, "text": "and the milk didn't write about it."}, {"start": 153.07, "end": 154.47, "text": "You clean toilets for a living"}, {"start": 154.47, "end": 156.43, "text": "and still can't get your life clean."}, {"start": 156.43, "end": 160.89, "text": "Scrub that sweetheart."}, {"start": 160.89, "end": 162.65, "text": "The toilets are the only thing in my life."}, {"start": 162.65, "end": 164.37, "text": "I leave better than I found it."}, {"start": 164.37, "end": 170.19, "text": "Pop's bring the old man heat."}, {"start": 170.19, "end": 173.63, "text": "Kid, you quit drinking and now you feel everything."}, {"start": 173.63, "end": 174.83, "text": "That's not sobriety."}, {"start": 174.83, "end": 176.11, "text": "That's a sentence."}, {"start": 176.11, "end": 180.23, "text": "Welcome to mind."}, {"start": 180.23, "end": 183.27, "text": "You got a sobriety chip at 30 days."}, {"start": 183.27, "end": 188.01, "text": "I've had gum longer than your willpower."}, {"start": 188.01, "end": 190.77, "text": "The chips in my wallet right where money used to be."}, {"start": 190.77, "end": 195.33, "text": "All right, all right, wrap it up."}, {"start": 195.33, "end": 198.53, "text": "They roasted every color I got and invented two new ones."}, {"start": 198.53, "end": 200.69, "text": "But here's the thing, you beautiful animals."}, {"start": 200.69, "end": 202.49, "text": "I turned all that pain into a paycheck,"}, {"start": 202.49, "end": 204.77, "text": "a book and this dumb, beautiful show."}, {"start": 204.77, "end": 206.21, "text": "The hero wins again."}, {"start": 206.21, "end": 207.53, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 207.53, "end": 208.37, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 208.37, "end": 215.03, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 215.03, "end": 216.99, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 216.99, "end": 218.79, "text": "But at Red Line, we never stop."}, {"start": 218.79, "end": 222.27, "text": "New comedy 24-7, a two hour kill Jesse special,"}, {"start": 222.27, "end": 224.87, "text": "four times a month and a thousand jokes"}, {"start": 224.87, "end": 226.11, "text": "built while you sleep."}, {"start": 226.11, "end": 228.51, "text": "So come back tomorrow and the day after."}, {"start": 228.51, "end": 231.03, "text": "Subscribe, share and tell your filthiest friend."}, {"start": 231.03, "end": 232.79, "text": "This is bombed.app."}, {"start": 232.79, "end": 235.47, "text": "The comedy never stops and neither do we."}, {"start": 235.47, "end": 237.59, "text": "Good night and stay unhinged."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThis is Bombed.app, where comedy never sleeps. 24 hours a day, seven days a week, we build it from nothing. Every setup, every tag, every punch line, every knockout punch, born in the Red Line Comedy Club, adults only. Where every joke gets judged, every comic gets roasted, and only the funniest survive the night. We didn't build this to be like anybody else. We built it because the world deserves a comedy machine that never clocks out and never plays it safe. Now please welcome the man who turned a wrecked life into a comedy empire, your host, Jesse. Welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight's the only open mic where the headliner is also the punching bag. I wrote a book called Colors of My Pain, so naturally I turned my trauma into a game show. Bring up the comics. I gave every feeling a color. Red, blue, green, yellow, it's a personality test and a crime scene. So roast me, Mickey, you're up. A whole book about your pain. Brother, that's not a memoir, that's a receipt. You color-coded your feelings because you couldn't afford a therapist. That's not healing. That's arts and crafts. Hey, the crayons were cheaper than the divorce. Doc Burn diagnosed me. 50 years old, three dogs, zero kids, sir, your bloodline ends like a free trial. You name the color blue for depression. Bold what's next, wet for crying. I also have a yellow for anxiety. Thank you very much. Queen's tank let him have it. Honey, nine engagements and not one wedding. You don't propose. You do market research. You handed out ring pops as engagement rings. The only thing you ever committed to was the candy aisle. In my defense, the ring pop never asked where I was at 2 a.m., Nana, you're old enough to mean it. Baby, I read your book. I've had longer relationships with a carton of milk and the milk didn't write about it. You clean toilets for a living and still can't get your life clean. Scrub that sweetheart. The toilets are the only thing in my life. I leave better than I found it. Pop's bring the old man heat. Kid, you quit drinking and now you feel everything. That's not sobriety. That's a sentence. Welcome to mind. You got a sobriety chip at 30 days. I've had gum longer than your willpower. The chips in my wallet right where money used to be. All right, all right, wrap it up. They roasted every color I got and invented two new ones. But here's the thing, you beautiful animals. I turned all that pain into a paycheck, a book and this dumb, beautiful show. The hero wins again. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. Good night. And that is our show. But at Red Line, we never stop. New comedy 24-7, a two hour kill Jesse special, four times a month and a thousand jokes built while you sleep. So come back tomorrow and the day after. Subscribe, share and tell your filthiest friend. This is bombed.app. The comedy never stops and neither do we. Good night and stay unhinged.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}