{"file": "audio/vault/61_haunted_cleaning_haunted.mp3", "duration_sec": 183.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.84, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 2.84, "end": 5.44, "text": "Adults only, no kids, no mercy."}, {"start": 5.44, "end": 8.14, "text": "For 15 years, one show ruled comedy."}, {"start": 8.14, "end": 10.08, "text": "Tonight, we come for the crown."}, {"start": 10.08, "end": 13.88, "text": "This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer"}, {"start": 13.88, "end": 16.52, "text": "24 hours a day, seven days a week."}, {"start": 16.52, "end": 20.32, "text": "We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years."}, {"start": 20.32, "end": 23.92, "text": "Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh."}, {"start": 23.92, "end": 24.92, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 24.92, "end": 27.92, "text": "A man whose own life is a haunted house"}, {"start": 28.12, "end": 32.2, "text": "gets hired to clean other people's haunted houses."}, {"start": 32.2, "end": 40.02, "text": "The irony was the curse."}, {"start": 40.02, "end": 41.5, "text": "Welcome to my life, folks."}, {"start": 41.5, "end": 42.9, "text": "It's a haunted house."}, {"start": 42.9, "end": 45.74, "text": "And then just to be funny, the universe gave me a job."}, {"start": 45.74, "end": 48.14, "text": "Cleaning up other people's haunted houses."}, {"start": 48.14, "end": 51.58, "text": "I go from M.Y. haunted house, the bills, the exes voicemail,"}, {"start": 51.58, "end": 54.42, "text": "the dad-shaped hole to a stranger's haunted house"}, {"start": 54.42, "end": 56.7, "text": "where the ghost is a bathroom that hasn't been touched"}, {"start": 56.7, "end": 66.34, "text": "since the divorce."}, {"start": 66.34, "end": 69.02, "text": "I'm a haunted man cleaning haunted houses."}, {"start": 69.02, "end": 71.58, "text": "I scrub somebody else's regret off the baseboards"}, {"start": 71.58, "end": 73.86, "text": "while M.Y. regrets wait in the car."}, {"start": 73.86, "end": 76.1, "text": "Every house tells me the same story."}, {"start": 76.1, "end": 77.82, "text": "Somebody stopped caring here."}, {"start": 77.82, "end": 81.02, "text": "And I know that story cold because I'm living it."}, {"start": 81.02, "end": 91.82, "text": "Rue à Nante."}, {"start": 91.82, "end": 93.94, "text": "Jesse, you're a ghost cleaning up other ghosts."}, {"start": 93.94, "end": 95.1, "text": "That's not a job."}, {"start": 95.1, "end": 103.36, "text": "That's a science with a paycheck."}, {"start": 103.36, "end": 105.44, "text": "And the wild part, I'm good at it."}, {"start": 105.44, "end": 108.44, "text": "I walk into the worst darkest, most cursed house in town"}, {"start": 108.44, "end": 109.96, "text": "and I make it shine."}, {"start": 109.96, "end": 113.28, "text": "One time a customer cried because her kitchen looked new again."}, {"start": 113.28, "end": 116.16, "text": "I said, ma'am, I clean haunted houses for a living"}, {"start": 116.16, "end": 130.3, "text": "and honey I started with my own."}, {"start": 130.3, "end": 132.54, "text": "And that was the secret."}, {"start": 132.54, "end": 136.86, "text": "The man who cleaned the cursed houses was just practicing."}, {"start": 136.86, "end": 150.23, "text": "For the day, he'd finally clean his own."}, {"start": 150.23, "end": 151.35, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 151.35, "end": 152.51, "text": "This is the creep show."}, {"start": 152.51, "end": 153.99, "text": "Welcome to my haunted life."}, {"start": 153.99, "end": 161.72, "text": "Mind the baseboards good night."}, {"start": 161.72, "end": 163.0, "text": "That's our show."}, {"start": 163.0, "end": 164.24, "text": "But we never stop."}, {"start": 164.24, "end": 168.2, "text": "New comedy 24-7 and a two-hour kill Jesse Special four times"}, {"start": 168.2, "end": 169.2, "text": "a month."}, {"start": 169.2, "end": 172.04, "text": "We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days."}, {"start": 172.04, "end": 175.28, "text": "So come back tomorrow and the day after because at Red Line,"}, {"start": 175.28, "end": 176.88, "text": "the carnival never closes."}, {"start": 176.88, "end": 179.76, "text": "Subscribe, share and tell your filthiest friend."}, {"start": 179.76, "end": 181.48, "text": "This is bombed.app."}, {"start": 181.48, "end": 183.32, "text": "Good night and stay unhinged."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLadies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club. Adults only, no kids, no mercy. For 15 years, one show ruled comedy. Tonight, we come for the crown. This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years. Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh. Jesse. A man whose own life is a haunted house gets hired to clean other people's haunted houses. The irony was the curse. Welcome to my life, folks. It's a haunted house. And then just to be funny, the universe gave me a job. Cleaning up other people's haunted houses. I go from M.Y. haunted house, the bills, the exes voicemail, the dad-shaped hole to a stranger's haunted house where the ghost is a bathroom that hasn't been touched since the divorce. I'm a haunted man cleaning haunted houses. I scrub somebody else's regret off the baseboards while M.Y. regrets wait in the car. Every house tells me the same story. Somebody stopped caring here. And I know that story cold because I'm living it. Rue à Nante. Jesse, you're a ghost cleaning up other ghosts. That's not a job. That's a science with a paycheck. And the wild part, I'm good at it. I walk into the worst darkest, most cursed house in town and I make it shine. One time a customer cried because her kitchen looked new again. I said, ma'am, I clean haunted houses for a living and honey I started with my own. And that was the secret. The man who cleaned the cursed houses was just practicing. For the day, he'd finally clean his own. This is Red Line. This is the creep show. Welcome to my haunted life. Mind the baseboards good night. That's our show. But we never stop. New comedy 24-7 and a two-hour kill Jesse Special four times a month. We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days. So come back tomorrow and the day after because at Red Line, the carnival never closes. Subscribe, share and tell your filthiest friend. This is bombed.app. Good night and stay unhinged.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}