{"file": "audio/vault/60_roast_my_dating_life.mp3", "duration_sec": 178.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.84, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 2.84, "end": 5.54, "text": "Adults only, no kids, no mercy."}, {"start": 5.54, "end": 8.24, "text": "For 15 years, one show ruled comedy."}, {"start": 8.24, "end": 10.24, "text": "Tonight we come for the crown."}, {"start": 10.24, "end": 12.84, "text": "This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis"}, {"start": 12.84, "end": 16.68, "text": "on a supercomputer 24 hours a day, seven days a week."}, {"start": 16.68, "end": 20.44, "text": "We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years."}, {"start": 20.44, "end": 24.12, "text": "Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh."}, {"start": 24.12, "end": 25.36, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 25.36, "end": 28.72, "text": "Tonight the whole crew roasts the saddest topic in America."}, {"start": 28.72, "end": 31.68, "text": "My dating life, three engagements, zero weddings,"}, {"start": 31.68, "end": 35.56, "text": "50 years old, and the most action I get is the notification sound."}, {"start": 35.56, "end": 41.65, "text": "Have a tea at Queen's Tank."}, {"start": 41.65, "end": 45.29, "text": "Jesse, you've been engaged three times and married never."}, {"start": 45.29, "end": 46.77, "text": "You're not looking for love."}, {"start": 46.77, "end": 55.23, "text": "You're a subscription nobody renews."}, {"start": 55.23, "end": 57.23, "text": "Queen, I bought three engagement rings"}, {"start": 57.23, "end": 59.91, "text": "and funded three honeymoon's, none of a mine."}, {"start": 59.91, "end": 61.07, "text": "I'm not bad at love."}, {"start": 61.07, "end": 69.27, "text": "I'm a charity for other women's weddings."}, {"start": 69.27, "end": 72.03, "text": "Jesse, your dating profile says 50,"}, {"start": 72.03, "end": 74.39, "text": "divorced, financially recovering."}, {"start": 74.39, "end": 82.71, "text": "Even the catfish swiped left."}, {"start": 82.71, "end": 84.91, "text": "Mickey, you couldn't get a date with a calendar."}, {"start": 84.91, "end": 86.63, "text": "At least my exes left me."}, {"start": 86.63, "end": 93.96, "text": "Yours just never showed up."}, {"start": 93.96, "end": 98.08, "text": "Jesse, three fiancees, three dogs."}, {"start": 98.08, "end": 101.36, "text": "The dogs lasted longer and they came back."}, {"start": 101.36, "end": 104.36, "text": "You're the only man who's been left at the altar so many times"}, {"start": 104.36, "end": 115.65, "text": "the church gave you a frequent cryocard."}, {"start": 115.65, "end": 118.05, "text": "Honey, you're 50 and single with three dogs."}, {"start": 118.05, "end": 119.61, "text": "That's not a dating life."}, {"start": 119.61, "end": 128.99, "text": "That's a wildlife rehabilitation center."}, {"start": 128.99, "end": 130.79, "text": "And that's my dating life folks."}, {"start": 130.79, "end": 132.63, "text": "Three rings, zero weddings and a heart"}, {"start": 132.63, "end": 135.55, "text": "that's been returned more times than a bad Christmas sweater."}, {"start": 135.55, "end": 136.55, "text": "But you know what?"}, {"start": 136.55, "end": 138.63, "text": "I'm still out here swinging because somewhere out there"}, {"start": 138.63, "end": 140.91, "text": "is a woman crazy enough to date a broke sober,"}, {"start": 140.91, "end": 143.83, "text": "50-year-old felon with three dogs and a podcast."}, {"start": 143.83, "end": 145.99, "text": "And honestly, she sounds amazing."}, {"start": 145.99, "end": 148.51, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh even single."}, {"start": 148.51, "end": 156.78, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 156.78, "end": 158.06, "text": "That's our show."}, {"start": 158.06, "end": 159.3, "text": "But we never stop."}, {"start": 159.3, "end": 160.98, "text": "New comedy 24-7."}, {"start": 160.98, "end": 163.86, "text": "And a two-hour kill Jesse special four times a month."}, {"start": 163.86, "end": 167.06, "text": "We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days."}, {"start": 167.06, "end": 170.26, "text": "So come back tomorrow and the day after because at Red Line,"}, {"start": 170.26, "end": 171.9, "text": "the carnival never closes."}, {"start": 171.9, "end": 174.78, "text": "Subscribe, share, and tell your filthiest friend."}, {"start": 174.78, "end": 176.5, "text": "This is bombed.app."}, {"start": 176.5, "end": 178.42, "text": "Good night and stay unhinged."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLadies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club. Adults only, no kids, no mercy. For 15 years, one show ruled comedy. Tonight we come for the crown. This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years. Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh. Jesse. Tonight the whole crew roasts the saddest topic in America. My dating life, three engagements, zero weddings, 50 years old, and the most action I get is the notification sound. Have a tea at Queen's Tank. Jesse, you've been engaged three times and married never. You're not looking for love. You're a subscription nobody renews. Queen, I bought three engagement rings and funded three honeymoon's, none of a mine. I'm not bad at love. I'm a charity for other women's weddings. Jesse, your dating profile says 50, divorced, financially recovering. Even the catfish swiped left. Mickey, you couldn't get a date with a calendar. At least my exes left me. Yours just never showed up. Jesse, three fiancees, three dogs. The dogs lasted longer and they came back. You're the only man who's been left at the altar so many times the church gave you a frequent cryocard. Honey, you're 50 and single with three dogs. That's not a dating life. That's a wildlife rehabilitation center. And that's my dating life folks. Three rings, zero weddings and a heart that's been returned more times than a bad Christmas sweater. But you know what? I'm still out here swinging because somewhere out there is a woman crazy enough to date a broke sober, 50-year-old felon with three dogs and a podcast. And honestly, she sounds amazing. The hero gets the last laugh even single. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. That's our show. But we never stop. New comedy 24-7. And a two-hour kill Jesse special four times a month. We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days. So come back tomorrow and the day after because at Red Line, the carnival never closes. Subscribe, share, and tell your filthiest friend. This is bombed.app. Good night and stay unhinged.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}