{"file": "audio/vault/58_creepshow_the_hoarder.mp3", "duration_sec": 231.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 11.14, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.14, "end": 21.14, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.14, "end": 28.14, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 37.47, "text": "Welcome to the creep show, You Beautiful DeGenerates. Tonight the scariest house I ever cleaned, the hoarder."}, {"start": 37.47, "end": 47.47, "text": "I opened the front door and the smell introduced itself first, like a roommate who pays no rent. There was one path through the living room. One, like the house was daring me to leave it."}, {"start": 47.47, "end": 82.0, "text": "I found a plate of food so old it had a carbon date. I moved a stack of newspapers and a family of something moved with it in formation."}, {"start": 82.0, "end": 89.0, "text": "The customer says it's not that bad. Ma'am, your floor hasn't seen sunlight since the Clinton administration."}, {"start": 89.0, "end": 109.34, "text": "Burement. Jesse, you don't need a cleaning crew. You need an archaeologist and a priest."}, {"start": 109.34, "end": 126.58, "text": "I opened a closet and I swear on my life something whispered leave. I said brother I would love to, but I got a $200 minimum and a felony on my record. We're both stuck here."}, {"start": 126.58, "end": 146.08, "text": "Jesse, that's not a house. That's a horror movie with a doorbell."}, {"start": 146.08, "end": 154.49, "text": "And here's the lesson folks. Every hoarder house is just somebody's pain stacked up where the love used to be. I clean it, I don't judge it."}, {"start": 154.49, "end": 168.49, "text": "Because I got my own rooms, I don't let nobody into either. The only difference is I turned mine into a microphone. The hero gets the last laugh even in a haunted house that smells like regret. This is red line. This is the creep show, Sleep Tight."}, {"start": 168.49, "end": 194.14, "text": "And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 194.14, "end": 208.14, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 208.14, "end": 222.14, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 222.14, "end": 225.14, "text": "Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the creep show, You Beautiful DeGenerates. Tonight the scariest house I ever cleaned, the hoarder. I opened the front door and the smell introduced itself first, like a roommate who pays no rent. There was one path through the living room. One, like the house was daring me to leave it. I found a plate of food so old it had a carbon date. I moved a stack of newspapers and a family of something moved with it in formation. The customer says it's not that bad. Ma'am, your floor hasn't seen sunlight since the Clinton administration. Burement. Jesse, you don't need a cleaning crew. You need an archaeologist and a priest. I opened a closet and I swear on my life something whispered leave. I said brother I would love to, but I got a $200 minimum and a felony on my record. We're both stuck here. Jesse, that's not a house. That's a horror movie with a doorbell. And here's the lesson folks. Every hoarder house is just somebody's pain stacked up where the love used to be. I clean it, I don't judge it. Because I got my own rooms, I don't let nobody into either. The only difference is I turned mine into a microphone. The hero gets the last laugh even in a haunted house that smells like regret. This is red line. This is the creep show, Sleep Tight. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}