{"file": "audio/vault/57_creepshow_4_cats.mp3", "duration_sec": 214.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 26.74, "text": "Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.14, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 34.47, "text": "Welcome to the creep show, Red Line's darkest hour,"}, {"start": 34.47, "end": 36.67, "text": "where my real job is the real horror."}, {"start": 36.67, "end": 39.27, "text": "Last night, I cleaned a house with four cats."}, {"start": 39.27, "end": 40.87, "text": "Four, cats."}, {"start": 40.87, "end": 43.27, "text": "The amount of hair in that house I didn't need a vacuum."}, {"start": 43.27, "end": 44.87, "text": "I needed an exorcist."}, {"start": 44.87, "end": 48.27, "text": "There was so much fur on that couch I thought the couch was breathing."}, {"start": 48.27, "end": 68.54, "text": "I vacuumed for an hour and the bag filled up like I was harvesting a fifth cat."}, {"start": 68.54, "end": 72.54, "text": "You ever pull a hair ball out of a drain so big it makes eye contact?"}, {"start": 72.54, "end": 76.14, "text": "These cats shed so much the owner doesn't have pets."}, {"start": 76.14, "end": 94.98, "text": "She's got a fur farm with an attitude."}, {"start": 94.98, "end": 96.98, "text": "Jesse, four cats in that much hair."}, {"start": 97.18, "end": 106.6, "text": "That's not a home. That's a crime scene with whiskers."}, {"start": 106.6, "end": 111.2, "text": "And the cats just watch me clean, judging like four little furry landlords."}, {"start": 111.2, "end": 113.8, "text": "One of them sat on the exact spot I just vacuumed,"}, {"start": 113.8, "end": 128.62, "text": "looked me dead in the eye and shed O.N. purpose."}, {"start": 128.62, "end": 130.22, "text": "Jesse, you didn't clean a house."}, {"start": 130.22, "end": 138.7, "text": "You lost a war to four cats and a swiffer."}, {"start": 138.7, "end": 140.3, "text": "And here's the lesson, folks."}, {"start": 140.3, "end": 142.7, "text": "Some houses you don't clean, you just survive."}, {"start": 142.7, "end": 145.9, "text": "Four cats taught me more about futility than my three marriages."}, {"start": 145.9, "end": 147.9, "text": "The hair grows back, the cats don't care."}, {"start": 147.9, "end": 150.9, "text": "And the hero still shows up with a vacuum and a dream."}, {"start": 150.9, "end": 152.3, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 152.3, "end": 153.7, "text": "This is the creep show."}, {"start": 153.7, "end": 154.9, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 154.9, "end": 169.18, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 169.18, "end": 175.18, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 175.18, "end": 177.38, "text": "A brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 177.38, "end": 182.98, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 182.98, "end": 186.58, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 186.58, "end": 188.58, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 188.58, "end": 190.98, "text": "Going through something, so is he."}, {"start": 190.98, "end": 191.98, "text": "Always."}, {"start": 191.98, "end": 194.38, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 194.38, "end": 197.98, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh"}, {"start": 197.98, "end": 200.78, "text": "before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 200.78, "end": 203.38, "text": "Open all night because somewhere out there,"}, {"start": 203.38, "end": 205.98, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 205.98, "end": 208.38, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 208.38, "end": 209.38, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the creep show, Red Line's darkest hour, where my real job is the real horror. Last night, I cleaned a house with four cats. Four, cats. The amount of hair in that house I didn't need a vacuum. I needed an exorcist. There was so much fur on that couch I thought the couch was breathing. I vacuumed for an hour and the bag filled up like I was harvesting a fifth cat. You ever pull a hair ball out of a drain so big it makes eye contact? These cats shed so much the owner doesn't have pets. She's got a fur farm with an attitude. Jesse, four cats in that much hair. That's not a home. That's a crime scene with whiskers. And the cats just watch me clean, judging like four little furry landlords. One of them sat on the exact spot I just vacuumed, looked me dead in the eye and shed O.N. purpose. Jesse, you didn't clean a house. You lost a war to four cats and a swiffer. And here's the lesson, folks. Some houses you don't clean, you just survive. Four cats taught me more about futility than my three marriages. The hair grows back, the cats don't care. And the hero still shows up with a vacuum and a dream. This is Red Line. This is the creep show. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he. Always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club. Open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}