{"file": "audio/vault/55_hh_haunted_cleaners.mp3", "duration_sec": 155.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.84, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 2.84, "end": 5.44, "text": "Adults only, no kids, no mercy."}, {"start": 5.44, "end": 8.14, "text": "For 15 years, one show ruled comedy."}, {"start": 8.14, "end": 10.08, "text": "Tonight, we come for the crown."}, {"start": 10.08, "end": 13.88, "text": "This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer"}, {"start": 13.88, "end": 16.52, "text": "24 hours a day, seven days a week."}, {"start": 16.52, "end": 20.28, "text": "We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years."}, {"start": 20.28, "end": 23.92, "text": "Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh."}, {"start": 23.92, "end": 25.16, "text": "Jesse!"}, {"start": 25.16, "end": 27.52, "text": "Haunted House series episode four,"}, {"start": 27.52, "end": 29.52, "text": "affordable pro-haunted cleaners,"}, {"start": 29.68, "end": 32.0, "text": "people think cleaning houses is simple."}, {"start": 32.0, "end": 35.8, "text": "No, every house is a crime scene where the victim is dignity."}, {"start": 35.8, "end": 38.36, "text": "You walk into a bathroom and immediately understand"}, {"start": 38.36, "end": 50.24, "text": "why priests retire."}, {"start": 50.24, "end": 52.52, "text": "I have seen toilets that need counseling."}, {"start": 52.52, "end": 54.44, "text": "Some kitchens don't need cleaning."}, {"start": 54.44, "end": 56.08, "text": "They need a closing argument."}, {"start": 56.08, "end": 58.4, "text": "A customer says it's not that bad."}, {"start": 58.4, "end": 60.92, "text": "That's the first lie every haunted house tells."}, {"start": 60.92, "end": 64.44, "text": "You ever clean behind a toilet and start questioning democracy?"}, {"start": 64.44, "end": 66.16, "text": "The vacuum hits something under the couch"}, {"start": 66.16, "end": 91.76, "text": "and I said if it moves, it pays rent."}, {"start": 91.76, "end": 100.46, "text": "Jesse, this is the dirtiest haunted house in America."}, {"start": 100.46, "end": 102.94, "text": "The house was so dirty the ghost left a note."}, {"start": 102.94, "end": 106.34, "text": "It said I tried haunting this place, but even I have standards."}, {"start": 106.34, "end": 109.66, "text": "And the lesson folks cleaning houses teaches humility."}, {"start": 109.66, "end": 112.54, "text": "Everybody wants success, but nobody wants to scrub the corner"}, {"start": 112.54, "end": 114.98, "text": "where reality's been leaking for six months."}, {"start": 114.98, "end": 134.34, "text": "This is Red Line, Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 134.34, "end": 135.62, "text": "That's our show."}, {"start": 135.62, "end": 136.86, "text": "But we never stop."}, {"start": 136.86, "end": 141.42, "text": "New comedy 24-7 and a two-hour Kill Jesse special four times a month."}, {"start": 141.42, "end": 144.58, "text": "We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days."}, {"start": 144.58, "end": 147.82, "text": "So come back tomorrow and the day after because at Red Line,"}, {"start": 147.82, "end": 149.42, "text": "the carnival never closes."}, {"start": 149.42, "end": 152.3, "text": "Subscribe, share and tell your filthiest friend."}, {"start": 152.3, "end": 154.02, "text": "This is bombed.app."}, {"start": 154.02, "end": 155.86, "text": "Good night and stay unhinged."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLadies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club. Adults only, no kids, no mercy. For 15 years, one show ruled comedy. Tonight, we come for the crown. This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years. Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh. Jesse! Haunted House series episode four, affordable pro-haunted cleaners, people think cleaning houses is simple. No, every house is a crime scene where the victim is dignity. You walk into a bathroom and immediately understand why priests retire. I have seen toilets that need counseling. Some kitchens don't need cleaning. They need a closing argument. A customer says it's not that bad. That's the first lie every haunted house tells. You ever clean behind a toilet and start questioning democracy? The vacuum hits something under the couch and I said if it moves, it pays rent. Jesse, this is the dirtiest haunted house in America. The house was so dirty the ghost left a note. It said I tried haunting this place, but even I have standards. And the lesson folks cleaning houses teaches humility. Everybody wants success, but nobody wants to scrub the corner where reality's been leaking for six months. This is Red Line, Kill Jesse. That's our show. But we never stop. New comedy 24-7 and a two-hour Kill Jesse special four times a month. We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days. So come back tomorrow and the day after because at Red Line, the carnival never closes. Subscribe, share and tell your filthiest friend. This is bombed.app. Good night and stay unhinged.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}