{"file": "audio/vault/53_hh_my_schedule.mp3", "duration_sec": 172.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.84, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 2.84, "end": 5.44, "text": "Adults only, no kids, no mercy."}, {"start": 5.44, "end": 8.14, "text": "For 15 years, one show ruled comedy."}, {"start": 8.14, "end": 10.08, "text": "Tonight we come for the crown."}, {"start": 10.08, "end": 13.88, "text": "This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer"}, {"start": 13.88, "end": 16.52, "text": "24 hours a day, seven days a week."}, {"start": 16.52, "end": 20.28, "text": "We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years."}, {"start": 20.28, "end": 23.92, "text": "Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh."}, {"start": 23.92, "end": 25.16, "text": "Jesse!"}, {"start": 25.16, "end": 26.76, "text": "Welcome to the Haunted House series,"}, {"start": 26.76, "end": 28.66, "text": "the real one straight from my life."}, {"start": 28.92, "end": 30.1, "text": "Episode 1."}, {"start": 30.1, "end": 31.58, "text": "The Haunted House is my schedule."}, {"start": 31.58, "end": 33.82, "text": "Everybody wants to go to a haunted house for fun."}, {"start": 33.82, "end": 35.02, "text": "I already live in one."}, {"start": 35.02, "end": 36.34, "text": "It's called my calendar."}, {"start": 36.34, "end": 38.7, "text": "Every room's got a different emergency."}, {"start": 38.7, "end": 40.14, "text": "The kitchen's yelling about money."}, {"start": 40.14, "end": 41.98, "text": "The bedroom's yelling about marriage."}, {"start": 41.98, "end": 44.1, "text": "The garage is yelling about tools I bought"}, {"start": 44.1, "end": 45.82, "text": "to fix problems I created."}, {"start": 45.82, "end": 47.7, "text": "And my phone is possessed by customers"}, {"start": 47.7, "end": 66.32, "text": "who think quick question means free therapy."}, {"start": 66.32, "end": 67.28, "text": "I don't need ghosts."}, {"start": 67.28, "end": 69.0, "text": "I have unread messages."}, {"start": 69.0, "end": 70.4, "text": "A demon jumps out and says,"}, {"start": 70.4, "end": 72.48, "text": "you still got to make content today."}, {"start": 72.48, "end": 75.52, "text": "I said brother, that is the scariest thing in this house."}, {"start": 75.52, "end": 78.48, "text": "My AI assistant said we can automate this."}, {"start": 78.48, "end": 99.64, "text": "That's when I knew the demon had admin access."}, {"start": 99.64, "end": 101.36, "text": "Jesse the Haunted House has mirrors."}, {"start": 101.36, "end": 102.32, "text": "That's rude."}, {"start": 102.32, "end": 110.83, "text": "You came to be scared, not audited."}, {"start": 110.83, "end": 112.99, "text": "And here's the real jump scare folks."}, {"start": 112.99, "end": 115.91, "text": "Opening your phone at 6am and seeing three businesses,"}, {"start": 115.91, "end": 118.59, "text": "four social channels, one wife, 24 clients,"}, {"start": 118.59, "end": 120.39, "text": "and your own dream standing there going."}, {"start": 120.39, "end": 122.35, "text": "So what are we doing today, old man?"}, {"start": 122.35, "end": 125.15, "text": "And the lesson, you're not overwhelmed because you're weak."}, {"start": 125.15, "end": 127.11, "text": "You're overwhelmed because every room in your life"}, {"start": 127.11, "end": 129.51, "text": "is asking you to be the strongest version of yourself"}, {"start": 129.51, "end": 130.83, "text": "at the same time."}, {"start": 130.83, "end": 151.18, "text": "This is Red Line, Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 151.18, "end": 152.46, "text": "That's our show."}, {"start": 152.46, "end": 153.7, "text": "But we never stop."}, {"start": 153.7, "end": 157.34, "text": "New comedy 24-7 and a two hour Kill Jesse special four"}, {"start": 157.34, "end": 158.3, "text": "times a month."}, {"start": 158.3, "end": 161.46, "text": "We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days."}, {"start": 161.46, "end": 163.5, "text": "So come back tomorrow and the day after."}, {"start": 163.5, "end": 166.3, "text": "Because at Red Line, the carnival never closes."}, {"start": 166.3, "end": 169.18, "text": "Subscribe, share, and tell your filthiest friend."}, {"start": 169.18, "end": 170.9, "text": "This is bombed.app."}, {"start": 170.9, "end": 172.82, "text": "Good night and stay unhinged."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLadies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club. Adults only, no kids, no mercy. For 15 years, one show ruled comedy. Tonight we come for the crown. This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years. Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh. Jesse! Welcome to the Haunted House series, the real one straight from my life. Episode 1. The Haunted House is my schedule. Everybody wants to go to a haunted house for fun. I already live in one. It's called my calendar. Every room's got a different emergency. The kitchen's yelling about money. The bedroom's yelling about marriage. The garage is yelling about tools I bought to fix problems I created. And my phone is possessed by customers who think quick question means free therapy. I don't need ghosts. I have unread messages. A demon jumps out and says, you still got to make content today. I said brother, that is the scariest thing in this house. My AI assistant said we can automate this. That's when I knew the demon had admin access. Jesse the Haunted House has mirrors. That's rude. You came to be scared, not audited. And here's the real jump scare folks. Opening your phone at 6am and seeing three businesses, four social channels, one wife, 24 clients, and your own dream standing there going. So what are we doing today, old man? And the lesson, you're not overwhelmed because you're weak. You're overwhelmed because every room in your life is asking you to be the strongest version of yourself at the same time. This is Red Line, Kill Jesse. That's our show. But we never stop. New comedy 24-7 and a two hour Kill Jesse special four times a month. We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days. So come back tomorrow and the day after. Because at Red Line, the carnival never closes. Subscribe, share, and tell your filthiest friend. This is bombed.app. Good night and stay unhinged.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}