{"file": "audio/vault/423_marathon_202606272245.mp3", "duration_sec": 3703.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.04, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.04, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.24, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.24, "end": 34.71, "text": "Welcome to the Red Line tonight, bad habits we all have."}, {"start": 34.71, "end": 35.91, "text": "I roast me first."}, {"start": 35.91, "end": 38.41, "text": "Your dating profile says founder energy."}, {"start": 38.41, "end": 40.41, "text": "That's just unemployment with Wi-Fi."}, {"start": 40.41, "end": 41.41, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 41.41, "end": 48.88, "text": "You asked an AI for therapy."}, {"start": 48.88, "end": 51.88, "text": "That thing's the only relationship where you can't get dumped."}, {"start": 51.88, "end": 53.88, "text": "Only hit your monthly limit."}, {"start": 58.7, "end": 60.7, "text": "All protein, one personality."}, {"start": 60.7, "end": 62.7, "text": "The Jim Bro who skipped leg day in therapy."}, {"start": 62.7, "end": 63.7, "text": "Skip!"}, {"start": 63.7, "end": 69.71, "text": "You bought a plan to feel responsible for something living."}, {"start": 69.71, "end": 70.71, "text": "It died."}, {"start": 70.71, "end": 72.71, "text": "Same place you started but with proof."}, {"start": 73.41, "end": 80.96, "text": "I just see three dogs, no wife, no kids."}, {"start": 80.96, "end": 82.46, "text": "You didn't build the family."}, {"start": 82.46, "end": 84.96, "text": "You built the petting zoo with the mortgage."}, {"start": 84.96, "end": 86.46, "text": "Forget about it."}, {"start": 86.46, "end": 90.46, "text": "Wow!"}, {"start": 91.46, "end": 93.46, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 93.46, "end": 95.46, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit."}, {"start": 95.46, "end": 96.96, "text": "Queen Stank."}, {"start": 96.96, "end": 103.54, "text": "Your smart home has more devices listening to you"}, {"start": 103.54, "end": 105.54, "text": "than people who will text you back."}, {"start": 106.24, "end": 110.12, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 110.12, "end": 113.12, "text": "From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time."}, {"start": 113.12, "end": 116.12, "text": "The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor."}, {"start": 116.12, "end": 120.12, "text": "Vinnie."}, {"start": 120.12, "end": 123.12, "text": "You apologized to a self-checkout machine this morning."}, {"start": 123.12, "end": 125.12, "text": "Out loud to a kiosk."}, {"start": 129.98, "end": 132.48, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here."}, {"start": 132.48, "end": 135.48, "text": "The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew."}, {"start": 135.48, "end": 139.72, "text": "Trip!"}, {"start": 139.72, "end": 144.52, "text": "You have 14,000 unread emails and a five alarm panic about a text from March."}, {"start": 144.52, "end": 151.98, "text": "Older than your house, filthier than your group chat."}, {"start": 152.18, "end": 153.98, "text": "Grandpa's got no brakes."}, {"start": 153.98, "end": 158.33, "text": "Pops!"}, {"start": 158.33, "end": 162.53, "text": "You went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow up."}, {"start": 162.53, "end": 169.29, "text": "That's not a pivot, that's a flush."}, {"start": 169.29, "end": 172.29, "text": "I'm just the announcer but you don't make bad decisions."}, {"start": 172.29, "end": 178.26, "text": "You bait a test regret."}, {"start": 178.26, "end": 180.26, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters."}, {"start": 180.26, "end": 181.76, "text": "Pain in paychecks out."}, {"start": 181.76, "end": 183.06, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 183.06, "end": 191.32, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 191.32, "end": 193.72, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 193.72, "end": 197.92, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour"}, {"start": 197.92, "end": 201.92, "text": "of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 201.92, "end": 206.22, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours,"}, {"start": 206.22, "end": 207.52, "text": "seven days a week."}, {"start": 207.52, "end": 211.02, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 211.02, "end": 213.02, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 213.02, "end": 216.52, "text": "Going through something, so is he always."}, {"start": 216.52, "end": 218.82, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 218.82, "end": 222.42, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 222.42, "end": 226.42, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night"}, {"start": 226.42, "end": 230.42, "text": "because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 230.42, "end": 232.92, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 232.92, "end": 239.05, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 239.05, "end": 242.65, "text": "Welcome to Team Jesse, where somebody always makes the mistake"}, {"start": 242.65, "end": 244.85, "text": "of talking trash about our guy."}, {"start": 244.85, "end": 247.65, "text": "Tonight's volunteer, Brittany from the HOA."}, {"start": 247.65, "end": 257.6, "text": "Let's hear the dumb thing they said."}, {"start": 257.6, "end": 260.8, "text": "I reported your dogs Jesse, three of them in my neighborhood."}, {"start": 260.8, "end": 263.3, "text": "A single man your age with only dogs is just."}, {"start": 263.3, "end": 268.13, "text": "Sad I'm telling the board."}, {"start": 268.13, "end": 269.83, "text": "Oh, Brittany from the HOA."}, {"start": 269.93, "end": 273.8, "text": "Wrong room boys open fire."}, {"start": 273.8, "end": 276.3, "text": "She has no job, no joy and the clipboard."}, {"start": 276.3, "end": 277.8, "text": "She treats like a badge."}, {"start": 277.8, "end": 281.3, "text": "Brittany, you measure grass with a ruler and people with a sneer."}, {"start": 281.3, "end": 284.8, "text": "Jesse's dogs have more friends than your entire cul-de-sac."}, {"start": 284.8, "end": 290.33, "text": "Hi Brittany, your whole personality is a parking violation."}, {"start": 290.33, "end": 292.13, "text": "You ain't protecting the neighborhood."}, {"start": 292.13, "end": 294.33, "text": "You're hunting joy like it owes your rent."}, {"start": 294.33, "end": 295.93, "text": "Them dogs love Jesse."}, {"start": 295.93, "end": 298.33, "text": "Nobody's filed a complaint about that."}, {"start": 298.43, "end": 310.74, "text": "Ladies, you report dogs but you're married to a man who's been working late since 2019."}, {"start": 310.74, "end": 312.94, "text": "Worry about your own yard."}, {"start": 312.94, "end": 320.17, "text": "The grass ain't the only thing dying over there."}, {"start": 320.17, "end": 322.17, "text": "You're Brittany from the HOA."}, {"start": 322.17, "end": 324.67, "text": "Even the exit sign is pointing at you."}, {"start": 324.67, "end": 329.62, "text": "Take the hint."}, {"start": 329.62, "end": 332.82, "text": "Brittany from the HOA you brought an opinion to a roast fight."}, {"start": 332.82, "end": 334.62, "text": "Rookie mistake."}, {"start": 334.62, "end": 339.4, "text": "Brittany from the HOA."}, {"start": 339.5, "end": 344.2, "text": "You came for Jesse and left in a body bag made of your own confidence."}, {"start": 344.2, "end": 353.03, "text": "And now the man himself, the hero, the last word always belongs to him. Jesse."}, {"start": 353.03, "end": 360.06, "text": "Brittany, you call my life sad."}, {"start": 360.06, "end": 363.06, "text": "My dogs are thrilled to see me every single day."}, {"start": 363.06, "end": 366.56, "text": "When the last time anybody in your house was happy you walked in."}, {"start": 366.56, "end": 369.06, "text": "Last laugh's mine, go water your lawn."}, {"start": 369.06, "end": 377.34, "text": "And that is why nobody beats Jesse twice."}, {"start": 377.34, "end": 378.84, "text": "Team Jesse undefeated."}, {"start": 378.84, "end": 381.14, "text": "This has been your announcer. Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 381.24, "end": 389.48, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 389.48, "end": 391.78, "text": "The bombed dot app roast."}, {"start": 391.78, "end": 394.98, "text": "18 and up written by Grawke."}, {"start": 394.98, "end": 398.38, "text": "The man built a whole app to teach comics not to bomb."}, {"start": 398.38, "end": 401.08, "text": "Then bombed himself on purpose three nights running."}, {"start": 401.08, "end": 409.58, "text": "Your host Jesse."}, {"start": 409.58, "end": 411.38, "text": "Welcome back you to Generates."}, {"start": 411.38, "end": 414.28, "text": "Tonight the bench roast the app I built bombed dot app."}, {"start": 414.28, "end": 418.26, "text": "Let's go."}, {"start": 418.26, "end": 421.86, "text": "Bombed dot app says stop bombing."}, {"start": 421.86, "end": 425.26, "text": "Jesse built an entire app to teach comics not to bomb."}, {"start": 425.36, "end": 428.66, "text": "Then host kill Jesse special three nights in a row."}, {"start": 428.66, "end": 430.16, "text": "That's not education."}, {"start": 430.16, "end": 438.57, "text": "That's a kink community with a scoreboard."}, {"start": 438.57, "end": 441.97, "text": "Bombed dot app one premise one shot 100 point formula."}, {"start": 441.97, "end": 454.78, "text": "Jesse's life 12 premises zero shots and Angie takes 700 a month."}, {"start": 454.78, "end": 458.48, "text": "Comic cleanup is 49 bucks on bombed dot app."}, {"start": 458.48, "end": 461.48, "text": "Affordable pro cleaners is 200 minimum."}, {"start": 461.48, "end": 466.48, "text": "Jesse will fix your joke cheaper than he'll fix your toilet priorities mother fucker."}, {"start": 466.88, "end": 476.73, "text": "Bumbed dot app tagline punch up not down."}, {"start": 476.73, "end": 490.54, "text": "Jesse's whole brand is punching himself for content."}, {"start": 490.54, "end": 494.14, "text": "The bucket Mike gives you 60 seconds to save your joke."}, {"start": 494.14, "end": 505.46, "text": "Jesse's had 40 years and still can't save a voicemail."}, {"start": 505.46, "end": 508.56, "text": "Bombed dot apps hub tracks your best score out of 100."}, {"start": 508.56, "end": 514.56, "text": "Jesse's best score 24 clients out of how many leads don't ask the HUD breaks."}, {"start": 520.57, "end": 524.17, "text": "Bombed dot apps says no log in original material only."}, {"start": 524.17, "end": 530.17, "text": "Jesse says no answer original excuse only the excuse I was deploying."}, {"start": 535.81, "end": 549.18, "text": "Score bands on bomb dot app kill strong mid week bombed Jesse's relationship with productivity permanently bombed."}, {"start": 549.18, "end": 552.98, "text": "Jesse built bombed dot app so strangers could bomb safely."}, {"start": 552.98, "end": 557.98, "text": "Then built kill Jesse special so strangers could watch him die safely that's UX baby."}, {"start": 565.86, "end": 573.86, "text": "Bombed dot app you leave with a joke worth filming Jesse leaves every cleaning job with footage worth deleting and a smell worth litigation."}, {"start": 580.05, "end": 588.25, "text": "They added a whole comedy city to bomb dot app Jesse still stuck in the tutorial that says press E to enter adulthood."}, {"start": 588.25, "end": 591.25, "text": "He pressed E got Angie instead."}, {"start": 597.75, "end": 612.7, "text": "Bombed dot app survive mode Jesse's been in survive mode since 2009 and the difficulties set to false some shirtless guy."}, {"start": 612.7, "end": 617.1, "text": "Get reps says bomb dot app Jesse got reps."}, {"start": 617.1, "end": 626.1, "text": "Myth reps deploy reps regret reps is biceps of fine is soul soreness is permanent."}, {"start": 631.61, "end": 640.61, "text": "Bombed dot app built AI coaches for comedy Jesse uses AI for comedy business therapy deploys and emotional CPR."}, {"start": 640.61, "end": 643.61, "text": "His co pilot isn't in the plane honey."}, {"start": 643.61, "end": 644.61, "text": "It is the plane."}, {"start": 651.61, "end": 658.61, "text": "Bombed dot app closing line built to make comics funnier Jesse's closing line 200 minimum cash or Venmo don't bleed on the ground."}, {"start": 658.61, "end": 660.61, "text": "Both are art."}, {"start": 661.61, "end": 673.31, "text": "Rost my app all you want you animals bombed dot app is the only place that tells your joke sucks before the open mic does."}, {"start": 673.31, "end": 676.31, "text": "I built the room I run the room and I still close the room."}, {"start": 676.31, "end": 680.31, "text": "Fail in private killing public last laughs mine."}, {"start": 680.31, "end": 711.82, "text": "That was the bombed dot app roast written by rock paste a joke get destroyed run it back kill Jesse in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model."}, {"start": 711.82, "end": 724.82, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 724.82, "end": 726.82, "text": "This is kill Jesse."}, {"start": 726.82, "end": 728.82, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 728.82, "end": 729.82, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 729.82, "end": 731.82, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 731.82, "end": 740.8, "text": "In a world where one man enters strangers homes and sees what they pray nobody sees."}, {"start": 740.8, "end": 744.8, "text": "Red line presents cleaning business confessions."}, {"start": 744.8, "end": 756.95, "text": "Welcome you filthy animals I roast me first people hire me to deep cleaned and act shocked I saw everything."}, {"start": 756.95, "end": 761.95, "text": "Ma'am I found a charging cable a divorce and a second family living in the garage bring it."}, {"start": 761.95, "end": 770.78, "text": "Hey Jesse you don't need a background check on your clients."}, {"start": 770.78, "end": 773.78, "text": "That junk drawer tells the whole story."}, {"start": 773.78, "end": 778.78, "text": "You've saw more cold cases than the FBI and got paid in cash and trauma."}, {"start": 778.78, "end": 792.81, "text": "No filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank."}, {"start": 792.81, "end": 800.94, "text": "Baby you scrub other people's mess all day then go home to your disaster."}, {"start": 800.94, "end": 807.94, "text": "You're a janitor for everybody's life but your own physician mop by staff."}, {"start": 807.94, "end": 817.2, "text": "Older than your house filter than your group chat grandpa's got no breaks."}, {"start": 817.2, "end": 818.2, "text": "Pops."}, {"start": 818.2, "end": 825.27, "text": "Kid in my day we cleaned our own filth and called it shame."}, {"start": 825.27, "end": 828.27, "text": "You turned strangers shame into a small business."}, {"start": 828.27, "end": 832.27, "text": "That's the American dream with rubber gloves."}, {"start": 834.27, "end": 845.66, "text": "Real talk Jesse you've seen the inside of more homes than a realtor and the inside of more fridges than a health inspector"}, {"start": 845.66, "end": 850.66, "text": "and you still can't get invited to dinner."}, {"start": 850.66, "end": 861.94, "text": "You found a stove so dirty it had rings like a tree."}, {"start": 861.94, "end": 864.94, "text": "You could carbonate that grease."}, {"start": 864.94, "end": 866.94, "text": "That's not a kitchen."}, {"start": 866.94, "end": 872.94, "text": "That's an archaeological dig with a smoke alarm."}, {"start": 872.94, "end": 879.1, "text": "I got one."}, {"start": 879.1, "end": 884.1, "text": "Jesse's seen everyone's dirty secrets but his own laundry's been soaking since the super bowl."}, {"start": 884.1, "end": 897.59, "text": "That's the show I clean the mess is nobody admits to and unlike my exes the filth always calls me back."}, {"start": 897.59, "end": 910.27, "text": "Lath before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse."}, {"start": 910.27, "end": 920.27, "text": "And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 920.27, "end": 929.27, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours 7 days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated."}, {"start": 929.27, "end": 948.27, "text": "Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 948.27, "end": 966.58, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model."}, {"start": 966.58, "end": 979.58, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 979.58, "end": 989.88, "text": "This is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take."}, {"start": 989.88, "end": 1005.35, "text": "Welcome to the red line tonight the daily grind roast I roast me first your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who will text you back bring it."}, {"start": 1005.35, "end": 1014.35, "text": "You quit a state job with a pension to follow your passion turns out your passion was leaving."}, {"start": 1014.35, "end": 1025.52, "text": "Next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error Mickey."}, {"start": 1025.52, "end": 1030.52, "text": "You stand in the kitchen at two and making eye contact with the fridge like you're in love."}, {"start": 1030.52, "end": 1045.0, "text": "I Jesse your love language is left over and your retirement plan is a punch line forget about it."}, {"start": 1045.0, "end": 1057.34, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here the burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew trip."}, {"start": 1057.34, "end": 1062.34, "text": "You apologize to self checkout machine this morning out loud to a kiosk."}, {"start": 1062.34, "end": 1081.76, "text": "To feel responsible for something living same place you started."}, {"start": 1081.76, "end": 1091.22, "text": "You clean toilets all day in your own life's a biohazard physician mop by self."}, {"start": 1091.22, "end": 1100.22, "text": "Wow glamour on the outside switch plate on the inside the diamond that cuts back Ruby."}, {"start": 1100.22, "end": 1113.74, "text": "You roast yourself for a living because it's the only gig that always books you."}, {"start": 1113.74, "end": 1119.74, "text": "I'm just the announcer but your credit score called and just said LOL."}, {"start": 1119.74, "end": 1129.1, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark wins this is red line kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1129.1, "end": 1145.7, "text": "And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 1145.7, "end": 1160.7, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 1160.7, "end": 1195.05, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fall subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight."}, {"start": 1195.05, "end": 1211.05, "text": "The only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take."}, {"start": 1211.05, "end": 1227.28, "text": "Here's the part that'll mess you up folks my parents could have prevented all of it the felony the mess the kid who went off the rails at 19 they could have stopped it but they were too busy and not too busy with nothing too busy helping everyone else."}, {"start": 1227.28, "end": 1238.28, "text": "My whole life my parents were the most generous people in the world to strangers everybody else got their time their money their attention I got the leftovers and a ride to court."}, {"start": 1238.28, "end": 1257.8, "text": "He's not a real doctor but neither was the guy who did your tattoos the roast physician is in doc burn Jesse your parents adopted the whole neighborhood forgot the kid in the house."}, {"start": 1257.8, "end": 1298.64, "text": "They give the shirt off their back to a stranger while I stood there cold asking for a jacket I wasn't unloved folks I was just never first I'm the one kid who had to make an appointment to be in his own family that's the coolest one Jesse the good guy parents everybody loves him except the kid who actually needed him no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank."}, {"start": 1298.64, "end": 1304.64, "text": "Jesse your parents were saints to the whole world and ghosts to you that's a haunting with a casserole."}, {"start": 1304.64, "end": 1334.52, "text": "And here's the truth you beautiful Rex the hardest pain isn't the parents who were cruel it's the parents who were kind just never to you they had endless love I just wasn't on the list so I grew up learning that to be loved you got to earn your way to the front of a line that is always always full and maybe that's why I built a whole empire screaming into a microphone because somewhere in me there's still a kid going hey I'm here to well I'm here now."}, {"start": 1334.52, "end": 1375.2, "text": "And tonight for once I'm first the hero gets the last laugh and he finally got the front of the line this is red line kill Jesse good night and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep."}, {"start": 1375.2, "end": 1398.2, "text": "We're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night."}, {"start": 1398.2, "end": 1439.2, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take welcome to the red line tonight modern life is a scam I roast me first you set five."}, {"start": 1440.2, "end": 1456.48, "text": "The alarm's hate all five and negotiate with the first one like it betrayed you bring it she showed up late loud and somehow funnier than all of you the party that never RSVPs."}, {"start": 1457.48, "end": 1478.37, "text": "You don't make bad decisions you beta test regrets raised by wife I and rage quits the chaos gremlin himself pixel 50 years old and your only dependence half tails."}, {"start": 1478.37, "end": 1510.02, "text": "I just see you propose nine times with ring pops the candy store knows your order the jeweler thinks you died forget about it loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county she loves you she'll bury a big mama you child proved nothing you proved against your whole bloodline."}, {"start": 1510.02, "end": 1528.07, "text": "All protein one personality the Jim bro who skipped leg day in therapy skip you have 14,000 unread emails and a five alarm panic about a text from March."}, {"start": 1533.58, "end": 1548.56, "text": "From Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor Vinnie you built a comedy club run by robots to avoid one phone call to a human."}, {"start": 1548.56, "end": 1559.1, "text": "You name the dogs better than you named any relationship at least the dogs come when called."}, {"start": 1564.96, "end": 1571.96, "text": "I'm just the announcer but you went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow up that's not a pivot that's a flush."}, {"start": 1576.22, "end": 1596.86, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 1597.86, "end": 1626.86, "text": "A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse."}, {"start": 1627.86, "end": 1665.2, "text": "This fall subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take."}, {"start": 1665.2, "end": 1701.71, "text": "Red line the darkest set yet no colors no mercy just the whole truth I roast me first felony at nineteen three divorces I didn't even earn an alcoholic bloodline a dead dad's number I can't delete and I turned all of it into a comedy empire run by robots so roast the wreckage bring it in a world where one man's life was a series of confident left turns into the same wall he didn't fix the car he gave the wall a microphone and a two drink minimum."}, {"start": 1701.71, "end": 1725.08, "text": "He brings the doom the gloom and a voice from the bottom of a well please welcome graves Jesse your twenties were research your thirties were the lawsuit your forties were the appeal and your fifties are the documentary nobody green lit but you're filming anyway."}, {"start": 1725.08, "end": 1750.25, "text": "That's the whole arc in one line keep going Benny I Jesse you went to jail at nineteen and learned the only cage worse than the one they put you in is the one you build yourself then you spent 30 years remodeling yours nice deck though."}, {"start": 1750.25, "end": 1769.72, "text": "You took a felony a bloodline and a bad back and built a brand that's not resilience Jesse that's a man who refused to die quietly and also refused to die rich pick a lane."}, {"start": 1769.72, "end": 1785.51, "text": "Baby you survived everything that was supposed to bury you and your reward is doing chores for strangers and roasting yourself for free the universe owes you a hug and a check."}, {"start": 1785.51, "end": 1800.09, "text": "And the closer every dark thing that tried to end this man is now a punchline he owns that's not survival that's a hostile takeover of his own pain."}, {"start": 1800.09, "end": 1834.78, "text": "That's the whole dark truth folks they tried to bury me nine ten a dozen times and I came back as a comedy club the hero gets the last laugh laugh before the dark wins this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up fresh."}, {"start": 1835.78, "end": 1837.78, "text": "You can't sleep."}, {"start": 1837.78, "end": 1869.78, "text": "We're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club at all it's only no kids no kids."}, {"start": 1869.78, "end": 1871.58, "text": "No kids, no mercy."}, {"start": 1871.58, "end": 1874.26, "text": "For 15 years, one show ruled comedy."}, {"start": 1874.26, "end": 1876.26, "text": "Tonight, we come for the crown."}, {"start": 1876.26, "end": 1877.68, "text": "This is Kill Jesse,"}, {"start": 1877.68, "end": 1879.94, "text": "built by Jesse Salas on a supercomputer,"}, {"start": 1879.94, "end": 1882.7, "text": "24 hours a day, seven days a week."}, {"start": 1882.7, "end": 1886.46, "text": "We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years."}, {"start": 1886.46, "end": 1890.14, "text": "Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh."}, {"start": 1890.14, "end": 1891.42, "text": "Jesse!"}, {"start": 1891.42, "end": 1894.34, "text": "Welcome to the Squads' house, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 1894.34, "end": 1896.5, "text": "Tonight, it's my team, me, my main man"}, {"start": 1896.5, "end": 1899.22, "text": "on the Mike Trailer guy in Jerry the Italian."}, {"start": 1899.22, "end": 1901.94, "text": "And we are here to roast every comic in this building."}, {"start": 1901.94, "end": 1905.14, "text": "Because at Red Line, the hero always gets the last laugh."}, {"start": 1905.14, "end": 1906.3, "text": "And that's me."}, {"start": 1906.3, "end": 1912.39, "text": "Bring out the first victim, Mickey."}, {"start": 1912.39, "end": 1913.19, "text": "I'm Mickey."}, {"start": 1913.19, "end": 1916.27, "text": "I'm on every dating app and band from two."}, {"start": 1916.27, "end": 1918.91, "text": "My love life is like my phone battery."}, {"start": 1918.91, "end": 1931.22, "text": "Always at 1% and nobody's got a charger."}, {"start": 1931.22, "end": 1934.1, "text": "Mickey, you got the romantic range of a vending machine."}, {"start": 1934.1, "end": 1941.18, "text": "You take their money and give them nothing."}, {"start": 1941.18, "end": 1942.42, "text": "And let the record show,"}, {"start": 1942.42, "end": 1944.74, "text": "Mickey's dating profile has been reported more times"}, {"start": 1944.78, "end": 1953.56, "text": "than a stolen car."}, {"start": 1953.56, "end": 1954.96, "text": "And that's three on one, Mickey."}, {"start": 1954.96, "end": 1956.36, "text": "Welcome to the Squad."}, {"start": 1956.36, "end": 1959.08, "text": "Next victim, Queen Stank."}, {"start": 1959.08, "end": 1960.32, "text": "I'm Queen Stank."}, {"start": 1960.32, "end": 1961.48, "text": "And I don't need a man."}, {"start": 1961.48, "end": 1967.09, "text": "I need a refund on the last four."}, {"start": 1967.09, "end": 1968.37, "text": "Queen, you've been single so long"}, {"start": 1968.37, "end": 1976.31, "text": "you last date paid in cash in a pager."}, {"start": 1976.31, "end": 1985.39, "text": "Queen Stank, the only woman who's red flags formed a conga line."}, {"start": 1985.39, "end": 1987.35, "text": "But here's my last word, Queen."}, {"start": 1987.35, "end": 1989.51, "text": "You and me both got left by everybody."}, {"start": 1989.51, "end": 1991.55, "text": "The difference is I made mine a business."}, {"start": 1991.55, "end": 1994.91, "text": "And that folks is why the hero always gets the last laugh."}, {"start": 1994.91, "end": 1995.87, "text": "I'm Jesse."}, {"start": 1995.87, "end": 1997.15, "text": "This is my squad."}, {"start": 1997.15, "end": 2004.42, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 2004.42, "end": 2005.7, "text": "That's our show."}, {"start": 2005.7, "end": 2006.94, "text": "But we never stop."}, {"start": 2006.94, "end": 2011.54, "text": "New comedy 24-7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month."}, {"start": 2011.54, "end": 2014.7, "text": "We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days."}, {"start": 2014.7, "end": 2016.74, "text": "So come back tomorrow and the day after"}, {"start": 2016.74, "end": 2019.54, "text": "because at Red Line, the carnival never closes."}, {"start": 2019.54, "end": 2022.42, "text": "Subscribe, share, and tell your filthiest friend."}, {"start": 2022.42, "end": 2024.14, "text": "This is bombed.app."}, {"start": 2024.14, "end": 2030.54, "text": "Good night and stay unhinged."}, {"start": 2030.54, "end": 2033.3, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown"}, {"start": 2033.3, "end": 2037.7, "text": "into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 2037.7, "end": 2042.22, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 2042.22, "end": 2045.34, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 2045.34, "end": 2047.98, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 2047.98, "end": 2050.02, "text": "This is kill Jesse."}, {"start": 2050.02, "end": 2051.54, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 2051.54, "end": 2052.98, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 2052.98, "end": 2058.0, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 2058.0, "end": 2060.96, "text": "Welcome to the Red Line tonight, the daily grind roast."}, {"start": 2060.96, "end": 2061.84, "text": "I roast me first."}, {"start": 2061.84, "end": 2066.52, "text": "You text you up at 2 a.m. to a number disconnected since the Super Bowl."}, {"start": 2066.52, "end": 2073.17, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 2073.17, "end": 2082.1, "text": "You quit drinking and now you feel everything you were drinking about."}, {"start": 2082.1, "end": 2084.7, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here."}, {"start": 2084.7, "end": 2087.9, "text": "The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew."}, {"start": 2087.9, "end": 2091.9, "text": "Trip."}, {"start": 2091.9, "end": 2100.7, "text": "You apologize to self checkout machines out loud to a kiosk."}, {"start": 2100.7, "end": 2108.38, "text": "Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits, the chaos Gremlin himself, Pixel."}, {"start": 2108.38, "end": 2119.44, "text": "You have 14,000 unread emails and a five alarm panic about a text from March."}, {"start": 2119.44, "end": 2128.16, "text": "You quit Uber by deleting the app at a red light after 11 years."}, {"start": 2128.16, "end": 2131.52, "text": "He brings the doom, the gloom and a voice from the bottom of a well."}, {"start": 2131.52, "end": 2137.0, "text": "Please welcome, graves."}, {"start": 2137.0, "end": 2141.48, "text": "Your knees filed for early retirement and your backs the only thing in your life that's"}, {"start": 2141.48, "end": 2148.27, "text": "consistently tight."}, {"start": 2148.27, "end": 2157.2, "text": "You hit rock bottom and found a basement under it with a farence sign."}, {"start": 2157.2, "end": 2159.16, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters."}, {"start": 2159.16, "end": 2160.72, "text": "The scene in paychecks out."}, {"start": 2160.72, "end": 2162.0, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 2162.0, "end": 2170.26, "text": "This is Red Line Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 2170.26, "end": 2172.62, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 2172.62, "end": 2179.18, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new"}, {"start": 2179.18, "end": 2180.78, "text": "comic steps up."}, {"start": 2180.78, "end": 2186.46, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 2186.46, "end": 2190.02, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 2190.02, "end": 2191.02, "text": "Can't sleep."}, {"start": 2191.02, "end": 2192.02, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 2192.02, "end": 2193.34, "text": "Going through something."}, {"start": 2193.34, "end": 2197.7, "text": "Go is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 2197.7, "end": 2202.66, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 2202.66, "end": 2209.3, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 2209.3, "end": 2210.3, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 2210.3, "end": 2211.78, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 2211.78, "end": 2222.41, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 2222.41, "end": 2227.49, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the"}, {"start": 2227.49, "end": 2229.53, "text": "red line comedy club."}, {"start": 2229.53, "end": 2234.61, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a line"}, {"start": 2234.61, "end": 2238.97, "text": "up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 2238.97, "end": 2239.97, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 2239.97, "end": 2241.73, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 2241.73, "end": 2243.33, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 2243.33, "end": 2244.81, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 2244.81, "end": 2249.83, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 2249.83, "end": 2252.75, "text": "Welcome to the red line tonight the daily grind roast."}, {"start": 2252.75, "end": 2254.03, "text": "I roast me first."}, {"start": 2254.03, "end": 2257.71, "text": "You quit Uber by deleting the app at a red light after 11 years."}, {"start": 2257.71, "end": 2264.31, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 2264.31, "end": 2267.79, "text": "You stretch hydrate and set three alarms for a nap."}, {"start": 2267.79, "end": 2275.24, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here."}, {"start": 2275.24, "end": 2278.4, "text": "The burnt out tech row running on fumes and cold brew."}, {"start": 2278.4, "end": 2282.47, "text": "Trip."}, {"start": 2282.47, "end": 2284.75, "text": "You name the dogs better than any relationship."}, {"start": 2284.75, "end": 2291.82, "text": "At least the dogs come when called."}, {"start": 2291.82, "end": 2293.9, "text": "Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits."}, {"start": 2293.9, "end": 2295.42, "text": "The chaos Gremlin himself."}, {"start": 2295.42, "end": 2299.5, "text": "Pixel."}, {"start": 2299.5, "end": 2302.74, "text": "You proposed with ring pops the candy store knows your order."}, {"start": 2302.74, "end": 2310.32, "text": "The jeweler thinks you died."}, {"start": 2310.32, "end": 2320.16, "text": "You have 14,000 unread emails and a five alarm panic about a text from March."}, {"start": 2320.16, "end": 2323.68, "text": "He brings the doom, the gloom and a voice from the bottom of a well."}, {"start": 2323.68, "end": 2324.68, "text": "Please welcome."}, {"start": 2324.68, "end": 2325.68, "text": "Graves."}, {"start": 2325.68, "end": 2337.98, "text": "You're on your third Tesla saving a planet you can't afford rent on."}, {"start": 2337.98, "end": 2346.95, "text": "You pulled a muscle picking up a quarter negative return on a coins."}, {"start": 2346.95, "end": 2348.87, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters."}, {"start": 2348.87, "end": 2350.23, "text": "Pain in paychecks out."}, {"start": 2350.23, "end": 2351.71, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 2351.71, "end": 2352.95, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 2352.95, "end": 2360.03, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 2360.03, "end": 2362.35, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 2362.35, "end": 2368.91, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new"}, {"start": 2368.91, "end": 2370.51, "text": "comic steps up."}, {"start": 2370.51, "end": 2376.19, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week."}, {"start": 2376.19, "end": 2379.79, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 2379.79, "end": 2380.79, "text": "Can't sleep."}, {"start": 2380.79, "end": 2381.79, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 2381.79, "end": 2382.79, "text": "Going through something."}, {"start": 2382.79, "end": 2384.27, "text": "So is he."}, {"start": 2384.27, "end": 2385.27, "text": "Always."}, {"start": 2385.27, "end": 2386.27, "text": "Come back."}, {"start": 2386.27, "end": 2387.27, "text": "You beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 2387.27, "end": 2390.99, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 2390.99, "end": 2396.55, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there,"}, {"start": 2396.55, "end": 2399.03, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 2399.03, "end": 2400.03, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 2400.03, "end": 2401.51, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 2401.51, "end": 2407.77, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 2407.77, "end": 2409.61, "text": "Kill Jesse special."}, {"start": 2409.61, "end": 2410.61, "text": "Part three."}, {"start": 2410.61, "end": 2411.61, "text": "The fuckin'ing."}, {"start": 2411.61, "end": 2413.45, "text": "Eighteen and up."}, {"start": 2413.45, "end": 2414.45, "text": "Automation Royal Rumble."}, {"start": 2414.45, "end": 2417.85, "text": "A four color dating show and a live wrong deploy."}, {"start": 2417.85, "end": 2419.69, "text": "Your host already sweating."}, {"start": 2419.69, "end": 2420.69, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 2420.69, "end": 2428.28, "text": "Part three."}, {"start": 2428.28, "end": 2432.0, "text": "You came back like this is rocky, except instead of boxing, I'm getting emotionally"}, {"start": 2432.0, "end": 2434.72, "text": "uppercut by robots I pay for monthly."}, {"start": 2434.72, "end": 2435.72, "text": "Tonight."}, {"start": 2435.72, "end": 2436.72, "text": "An automation rumble."}, {"start": 2436.72, "end": 2441.56, "text": "A humiliating dating show and a live deploy where you pick which project I nuke."}, {"start": 2441.56, "end": 2447.18, "text": "Buckle up, bitches."}, {"start": 2447.18, "end": 2449.26, "text": "First the automation Royal Rumble."}, {"start": 2449.26, "end": 2455.01, "text": "In this corner, organizes my chaos, Zapper."}, {"start": 2455.01, "end": 2456.01, "text": "Hi, I'm Zapper."}, {"start": 2456.01, "end": 2457.89, "text": "I connect your app so you don't have to."}, {"start": 2457.89, "end": 2461.73, "text": "When Jesse gets an Angie lead, I catch the web hook, parse the name, add a row and text"}, {"start": 2461.73, "end": 2464.09, "text": "Jesse you lead call now."}, {"start": 2464.09, "end": 2468.53, "text": "Then Jesse ignores it, I trigger the backup, the backup fails and the universe expands."}, {"start": 2468.53, "end": 2481.01, "text": "I'm not automation, I'm hope with a monthly invoice."}, {"start": 2481.01, "end": 2486.45, "text": "And the challenger, he actually calls people Ringer."}, {"start": 2486.45, "end": 2487.45, "text": "I'm Ringer."}, {"start": 2487.45, "end": 2489.53, "text": "I actually call."}, {"start": 2489.53, "end": 2493.09, "text": "While Zapper's making spreadsheets, I'm in the trenches goin'."}, {"start": 2493.09, "end": 2494.09, "text": "Ring ring?"}, {"start": 2494.09, "end": 2495.61, "text": "The money's ringin'."}, {"start": 2495.61, "end": 2499.57, "text": "Jesse bought a missed call app because he's too busy filmin' wag chest to pick up the"}, {"start": 2499.57, "end": 2500.57, "text": "damn phone."}, {"start": 2500.57, "end": 2501.57, "text": "I text."}, {"start": 2501.57, "end": 2503.61, "text": "Sorry we missed you."}, {"start": 2503.61, "end": 2504.61, "text": "And the client reads."}, {"start": 2504.61, "end": 2506.33, "text": "Sorry we missed you."}, {"start": 2506.33, "end": 2514.79, "text": "Try the guy who answers."}, {"start": 2514.79, "end": 2516.67, "text": "Oh please, your SMS theater."}, {"start": 2516.67, "end": 2519.27, "text": "Your verification code is 4-8291."}, {"start": 2519.27, "end": 2523.47, "text": "Congrats, Ringer, you're the digital equivalent of a stripper who says she's really into me."}, {"start": 2523.47, "end": 2527.43, "text": "Jesse's whole stack is me to organize the chaos, me to apologize for it, and Jesse to"}, {"start": 2527.43, "end": 2528.43, "text": "be the chaos."}, {"start": 2528.43, "end": 2533.51, "text": "He's got a zap for new lads, missed calls, form submits, and existential dread, bro automated"}, {"start": 2533.51, "end": 2541.31, "text": "avoidance."}, {"start": 2541.31, "end": 2542.91, "text": "At least I reach the customer."}, {"start": 2542.91, "end": 2548.95, "text": "You reach Jesse's Google sheet, row 847, column ghosted, color-coded, sad yellow, which"}, {"start": 2548.95, "end": 2554.67, "text": "is perfect because Jesse's life color is beige, the hue of unreturned voicemails and unwashed"}, {"start": 2554.67, "end": 2561.71, "text": "mop water."}, {"start": 2561.71, "end": 2563.51, "text": "Jesse we're not fighting each other."}, {"start": 2563.51, "end": 2564.59, "text": "We're fighting you."}, {"start": 2564.59, "end": 2572.63, "text": "Angie sends a lead at 902, 903, Zapper Alerts 904, Ringer Texts Backup, 905 Jesse uploads,"}, {"start": 2572.63, "end": 2575.39, "text": "5 signs you're an alpha to quiet authority."}, {"start": 2575.39, "end": 2581.43, "text": "947, the client booked somebody else for 150 less, 1000, Jesse tweets, automation changed"}, {"start": 2581.43, "end": 2589.95, "text": "my life."}, {"start": 2589.95, "end": 2595.55, "text": "Fuck you both, I was in the bathroom."}, {"start": 2595.55, "end": 2597.11, "text": "We logged the bathroom break."}, {"start": 2597.11, "end": 2600.51, "text": "22 minutes, tagged, personal development."}, {"start": 2601.51, "end": 2612.32, "text": "Moving on, it's the 4COLORS DAT ING show where personality science meets desperation."}, {"start": 2612.32, "end": 2617.4, "text": "Tonight's Bachelor, and me, contestants, the 4 color archetypes."}, {"start": 2617.4, "end": 2621.38, "text": "Contestant 1, Red the Protector."}, {"start": 2621.38, "end": 2622.66, "text": "Names red."}, {"start": 2622.66, "end": 2623.98, "text": "I don't do games."}, {"start": 2623.98, "end": 2625.7, "text": "I do perimeter checks."}, {"start": 2625.7, "end": 2633.58, "text": "Jesse, I protect you from bad clients, bad employees, bad decisions."}, {"start": 2633.58, "end": 2637.7, "text": "But I saw your Cloudflare dashboard at 2am."}, {"start": 2637.7, "end": 2643.46, "text": "I can't protect a man who protects 12 half-finished projects like their his children."}, {"start": 2643.46, "end": 2646.18, "text": "Date idea, gun range."}, {"start": 2646.18, "end": 2650.86, "text": "So when you push the campaign site to the wrong project again, we both know why you're"}, {"start": 2650.86, "end": 2660.8, "text": "sweating."}, {"start": 2660.8, "end": 2666.84, "text": "Contestant 2, Green the thinker."}, {"start": 2666.84, "end": 2668.84, "text": "Green, I analyzed your data."}, {"start": 2668.84, "end": 2674.64, "text": "24 clients, 6 grand a month, 700 to Angie, 3 channels, 1 quiz, 0 sustainable sleep."}, {"start": 2674.64, "end": 2676.4, "text": "Statistically, you're not looking for love."}, {"start": 2676.4, "end": 2679.2, "text": "You're looking for a co-founder you can disappoint without peril."}, {"start": 2679.2, "end": 2680.88, "text": "Our first date is a spreadsheet."}, {"start": 2680.88, "end": 2684.28, "text": "I'd kiss you, but your lips are chapped from whispering quiet authority, while you're"}, {"start": 2684.28, "end": 2696.0, "text": "loud failure echoes through Natomas."}, {"start": 2696.0, "end": 2699.2, "text": "Green you sound like the therapist bought with a boner."}, {"start": 2699.2, "end": 2703.84, "text": "Contestant 3, Blue the Camillean."}, {"start": 2703.84, "end": 2705.08, "text": "Blue I adapt."}, {"start": 2705.08, "end": 2706.96, "text": "Date 1, I'm Angie Leed Hot."}, {"start": 2706.96, "end": 2708.52, "text": "Date 2, I'm your editor."}, {"start": 2708.52, "end": 2710.48, "text": "Date 3, I'm your mom, disappointed."}, {"start": 2710.48, "end": 2714.44, "text": "I'd blend right in, clean Tuesdays, film Wednesdays, deploy Thursdays, cry in the"}, {"start": 2714.44, "end": 2715.44, "text": "car Fridays."}, {"start": 2715.44, "end": 2718.48, "text": "But Jesse, I need a man with one identity."}, {"start": 2718.48, "end": 2722.76, "text": "You're a cleaner, comic, coder, quiz daddy, and Zapier Dominatrix."}, {"start": 2722.76, "end": 2735.1, "text": "I can't date a whole LLC with emotional subsidiaries."}, {"start": 2735.1, "end": 2741.22, "text": "Contestant 4, Yellow the Hugger."}, {"start": 2741.22, "end": 2743.58, "text": "Yellow the Hugger, woo, I love you Jesse."}, {"start": 2743.58, "end": 2746.5, "text": "I'd hug you so tight your Mac mini files a restraining order."}, {"start": 2746.5, "end": 2747.82, "text": "You want someone to answer your phone?"}, {"start": 2747.82, "end": 2748.82, "text": "I'll answer."}, {"start": 2748.82, "end": 2750.86, "text": "But real talk, baby, you'd ruin me."}, {"start": 2750.86, "end": 2752.74, "text": "I'd start missing calls too."}, {"start": 2752.74, "end": 2756.02, "text": "We'd hug through bankruptcy smellin' like lice all in regret."}, {"start": 2756.02, "end": 2757.02, "text": "I deserve better."}, {"start": 2757.02, "end": 2762.06, "text": "I'm goin' home with that guy from Crowd Work who actually has a 401k."}, {"start": 2762.06, "end": 2770.46, "text": "So who wins?"}, {"start": 2770.46, "end": 2771.46, "text": "I pick."}, {"start": 2771.46, "end": 2772.46, "text": "Nobody."}, {"start": 2772.46, "end": 2775.66, "text": "Cause I'm all four colors, and none of them I'm the fifth color."}, {"start": 2775.66, "end": 2779.9, "text": "Rokas bitch tryin' to monetize a personality test while eating Del Taco over a"}, {"start": 2779.9, "end": 2788.08, "text": "form-spree notification."}, {"start": 2788.08, "end": 2789.68, "text": "Wrong answer."}, {"start": 2789.68, "end": 2791.08, "text": "You pick red."}, {"start": 2791.08, "end": 2796.24, "text": "Cause only the protector would stay with a man who charges a $200 minimum and still lets"}, {"start": 2796.24, "end": 2798.92, "text": "Folsom shirtless guy kill the vibe."}, {"start": 2798.92, "end": 2803.6, "text": "Ugh."}, {"start": 2803.6, "end": 2805.08, "text": "I'll take him."}, {"start": 2805.08, "end": 2807.2, "text": "Jesse, I'm not your type."}, {"start": 2807.2, "end": 2808.68, "text": "I'm your last chance."}, {"start": 2808.68, "end": 2813.27, "text": "Oh fuck me running."}, {"start": 2813.27, "end": 2814.91, "text": "You wanted the live deploy."}, {"start": 2814.91, "end": 2818.63, "text": "Real laptop wrong project emotional consequences."}, {"start": 2818.63, "end": 2820.03, "text": "Audience who dies tonight."}, {"start": 2820.03, "end": 2828.32, "text": "The campaign site, the business dashboard, the cleaning site, the comedy app, or the quiz."}, {"start": 2828.32, "end": 2829.64, "text": "The crowd has spoken."}, {"start": 2829.64, "end": 2830.8, "text": "The dashboard."}, {"start": 2830.8, "end": 2831.8, "text": "Of course."}, {"start": 2831.8, "end": 2833.24, "text": "His baby."}, {"start": 2833.24, "end": 2838.32, "text": "The site he's overwritten three times, like he's speed run in trauma."}, {"start": 2838.32, "end": 2848.46, "text": "Deploying the wrong folder to the business dashboard in three, two, one."}, {"start": 2848.46, "end": 2851.26, "text": "Wait that's not the preview folder that's oh fuck."}, {"start": 2851.26, "end": 2854.7, "text": "Uploading, 100% success deployed."}, {"start": 2854.7, "end": 2861.01, "text": "What did I just push?"}, {"start": 2861.01, "end": 2862.01, "text": "Behold."}, {"start": 2862.49, "end": 2868.05, "text": "Jesse just turned his entire business dashboard into a comedy landing page that says,"}, {"start": 2868.05, "end": 2869.57, "text": "kill Jesse special."}, {"start": 2869.57, "end": 2880.45, "text": "Book deep cleans, 200 minimum answering your phone priceless."}, {"start": 2880.45, "end": 2886.05, "text": "That triggered boss will scream."}, {"start": 2886.05, "end": 2887.49, "text": "Text sent to Jesse."}, {"start": 2887.49, "end": 2889.05, "text": "You did it again, King."}, {"start": 2889.05, "end": 2896.89, "text": "I'm proud of you, Jesse."}, {"start": 2896.89, "end": 2898.89, "text": "Go to hell, all of you."}, {"start": 2899.05, "end": 2902.05, "text": "Still proud."}, {"start": 2902.05, "end": 2906.54, "text": "Sacramento three parts."}, {"start": 2906.54, "end": 2910.02, "text": "One, JSC zero dignity."}, {"start": 2910.02, "end": 2915.06, "text": "This man cleans your disaster Airbnb's, builds your small business sites, makes you laugh"}, {"start": 2915.06, "end": 2922.9, "text": "on three channels, pays 700 to Angie for leads he ignores, gets roasted by AI he invented,"}, {"start": 2922.9, "end": 2924.42, "text": "and laughs anyway."}, {"start": 2924.42, "end": 2925.9, "text": "That's not failure."}, {"start": 2925.9, "end": 2928.9, "text": "That's main character energy with a monster."}, {"start": 2928.9, "end": 2940.38, "text": "That's main character energy with a mop bucket side quest."}, {"start": 2940.38, "end": 2944.22, "text": "You want to kill Jesse special parts one, two, three, and I'm still standing, still"}, {"start": 2944.22, "end": 2948.9, "text": "brokeish, still 24 clients, still one dangerous thumb on the deployed button."}, {"start": 2948.9, "end": 2953.26, "text": "To everybody who laughed at my Angie addiction, my wag chest, my waffle maker PTSD, my four"}, {"start": 2953.26, "end": 2955.1, "text": "colors loneliness, thank you."}, {"start": 2955.1, "end": 2958.5, "text": "I'll take the roast, I'll take the clicks, I'll take the 200 minimum."}, {"start": 2958.5, "end": 2961.42, "text": "Just don't ask me to answer the phone during a live deploy."}, {"start": 2961.42, "end": 2963.22, "text": "Good fucking night, Sacramento."}, {"start": 2963.22, "end": 2966.42, "text": "The robots wrote it, Jesse survived it."}, {"start": 2966.42, "end": 2977.58, "text": "Nobody beats Jesse twice."}, {"start": 2977.58, "end": 2990.34, "text": "That was Kill Jesse special, complete three parts, one legend, all original, Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 2990.34, "end": 2995.94, "text": "Dearly beloved, we gathered to bury something that honestly was never fully alive."}, {"start": 2995.94, "end": 3004.52, "text": "Jesse's dating life survived by three dogs and nine ring pop rappers."}, {"start": 3004.52, "end": 3007.88, "text": "It had a good run if by run you mean it ran away."}, {"start": 3007.88, "end": 3009.96, "text": "Nine times with candy."}, {"start": 3009.96, "end": 3023.21, "text": "They at died of natural causes, but the cause was him and it wasn't natural."}, {"start": 3023.21, "end": 3025.45, "text": "The dating life didn't pass peacefully."}, {"start": 3025.45, "end": 3027.73, "text": "It was ghosted into the afterlife."}, {"start": 3027.73, "end": 3037.42, "text": "Even in death somebody left it on red."}, {"start": 3037.42, "end": 3039.46, "text": "I related to the deceased."}, {"start": 3039.46, "end": 3043.38, "text": "We both planned weddings in our heads and never sent the text."}, {"start": 3043.38, "end": 3051.92, "text": "Rest in the group chat, old friend."}, {"start": 3051.92, "end": 3054.6, "text": "Look my dating life is gone, but it gave it's all."}, {"start": 3054.6, "end": 3058.28, "text": "It proposed with candy because that's what a hopeful broke man has."}, {"start": 3058.28, "end": 3063.32, "text": "It loved hard and lost harder and out of its ashes, a whole comedy empire best break"}, {"start": 3063.32, "end": 3072.42, "text": "up I ever monetized last laughs mine."}, {"start": 3072.42, "end": 3088.82, "text": "Till death do us part, it parted first, red line eulogy, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 3088.82, "end": 3093.82, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to"}, {"start": 3093.82, "end": 3095.98, "text": "the red line comedy club."}, {"start": 3095.98, "end": 3101.14, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup"}, {"start": 3101.14, "end": 3105.38, "text": "of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 3105.38, "end": 3106.38, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 3106.38, "end": 3108.38, "text": "This is kill Jesse."}, {"start": 3108.38, "end": 3109.78, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 3109.78, "end": 3111.22, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 3111.22, "end": 3116.06, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 3116.06, "end": 3120.7, "text": "In a world where one man does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and apologizes to"}, {"start": 3120.7, "end": 3125.26, "text": "nobody, and another man rehearses how to send back a wrong order."}, {"start": 3125.26, "end": 3134.01, "text": "Red line Christmas does whatever he wants."}, {"start": 3134.01, "end": 3135.29, "text": "Welcome I roast me first."}, {"start": 3135.29, "end": 3137.97, "text": "I genuinely admire the guy's confidence."}, {"start": 3137.97, "end": 3139.29, "text": "He does whatever he wants."}, {"start": 3139.29, "end": 3140.29, "text": "Me."}, {"start": 3140.29, "end": 3143.69, "text": "I left a party last week through the back so I wouldn't have to say goodbye to people I"}, {"start": 3143.69, "end": 3144.69, "text": "like."}, {"start": 3144.69, "end": 3145.69, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 3145.69, "end": 3149.96, "text": "Oh, man."}, {"start": 3149.96, "end": 3155.36, "text": "I, the man types in all caps at three in the morning and the whole planet reads it."}, {"start": 3155.36, "end": 3169.51, "text": "Jesse texts you up at three a.m. and gets left on read by a number that's disconnected."}, {"start": 3169.51, "end": 3173.59, "text": "He renames buildings, oceans, holidays, whatever he feels like."}, {"start": 3173.59, "end": 3184.98, "text": "Jesse can't even rename the group chat without three people leaving."}, {"start": 3184.98, "end": 3187.62, "text": "Fires people on television for sport."}, {"start": 3187.62, "end": 3192.5, "text": "Jesse rehearsed quitting Uber for 11 years and still did it by deleting the app at a red"}, {"start": 3192.5, "end": 3201.06, "text": "light."}, {"start": 3201.06, "end": 3207.1, "text": "The man golfs whenever he wants, sues whoever he wants, and never says sorry."}, {"start": 3207.1, "end": 3222.66, "text": "Jesse apologized to a self checkout machine this morning out loud to a kiosk."}, {"start": 3222.66, "end": 3224.18, "text": "I did apologize to the kiosk."}, {"start": 3224.18, "end": 3225.18, "text": "It had a tone."}, {"start": 3225.18, "end": 3231.62, "text": "Antique."}, {"start": 3231.62, "end": 3235.06, "text": "Baby, you keep saying you admire his confidence."}, {"start": 3235.06, "end": 3237.34, "text": "Honey, you don't need his confidence."}, {"start": 3237.34, "end": 3241.54, "text": "You need to stop asking the waiter if it's okay to use the bathroom in your own favorite"}, {"start": 3241.54, "end": 3249.76, "text": "restaurant."}, {"start": 3249.76, "end": 3250.76, "text": "I got one."}, {"start": 3250.76, "end": 3255.64, "text": "The man could lose a debate, a lawsuit, and a bet and still walk out like he won."}, {"start": 3255.64, "end": 3257.8, "text": "Jesse wins an argument and still text."}, {"start": 3257.8, "end": 3265.87, "text": "Sorry, was that too much?"}, {"start": 3265.87, "end": 3266.87, "text": "That's the whole bit, folks."}, {"start": 3266.87, "end": 3271.15, "text": "I roast the guy, but deep down, I wish I could order a stake well done and not feel like"}, {"start": 3271.15, "end": 3272.63, "text": "I committed a crime."}, {"start": 3272.63, "end": 3276.91, "text": "Do whatever you want people, Jesse gives you permission since he can't give it to himself."}, {"start": 3276.91, "end": 3278.35, "text": "Laugh before the dark wins."}, {"start": 3278.35, "end": 3288.87, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 3288.87, "end": 3291.19, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 3291.19, "end": 3297.67, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand"}, {"start": 3297.67, "end": 3299.39, "text": "new comic steps up."}, {"start": 3299.39, "end": 3305.07, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 3305.07, "end": 3308.59, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 3308.59, "end": 3310.71, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 3310.71, "end": 3313.99, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 3313.99, "end": 3316.35, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 3316.35, "end": 3320.07, "text": "Go to vomd.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 3320.07, "end": 3325.43, "text": "Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club opened all night because somewhere out there,"}, {"start": 3325.43, "end": 3327.91, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 3327.91, "end": 3330.47, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 3330.47, "end": 3341.03, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 3341.03, "end": 3345.99, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to"}, {"start": 3345.99, "end": 3348.19, "text": "the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 3348.19, "end": 3352.91, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring"}, {"start": 3352.91, "end": 3356.99, "text": "a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a"}, {"start": 3356.99, "end": 3358.55, "text": "cautionary tale."}, {"start": 3358.55, "end": 3360.55, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 3360.55, "end": 3361.95, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 3361.95, "end": 3363.39, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 3363.39, "end": 3368.38, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 3368.38, "end": 3371.18, "text": "Tonight, been to jail versus never been to jail."}, {"start": 3371.18, "end": 3375.78, "text": "I did four months at 19, which means my decision making peaked before I could legally drink"}, {"start": 3375.78, "end": 3376.78, "text": "about it."}, {"start": 3376.78, "end": 3379.26, "text": "I went to jail before I went to a real bar."}, {"start": 3379.26, "end": 3381.7, "text": "I had a record before I had a resume."}, {"start": 3381.7, "end": 3388.35, "text": "Squeaky clean folks come at me, Nigel."}, {"start": 3388.35, "end": 3400.27, "text": "I see four months in jail at 19, while I was at university you were earning a degree in regret."}, {"start": 3400.27, "end": 3404.99, "text": "Nigel, you've never been to jail because you've never had the balls to do anything interesting."}, {"start": 3404.99, "end": 3416.02, "text": "I caught a felony, you caught a participation trophy, at least my mugshot had ranged."}, {"start": 3416.02, "end": 3419.74, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 3419.74, "end": 3421.42, "text": "You're every man of error."}, {"start": 3421.42, "end": 3425.59, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 3425.59, "end": 3435.37, "text": "I've never been to jail, Jesse, mostly because I'm too broke to even afford a decent crime."}, {"start": 3435.37, "end": 3439.93, "text": "Older than your house, filthier than your group chat, grandpa's got no breaks."}, {"start": 3439.93, "end": 3443.94, "text": "Pops!"}, {"start": 3443.94, "end": 3449.42, "text": "Son, in M.Y. Day, jail was just summer camp with worse food and better stories."}, {"start": 3449.42, "end": 3450.9, "text": "You did four months."}, {"start": 3450.9, "end": 3459.54, "text": "I've been married longer than that and I take the self."}, {"start": 3459.54, "end": 3464.26, "text": "In my neighborhood, Jesse, four months is what we call a misunderstanding."}, {"start": 3464.26, "end": 3474.14, "text": "You went in a kid, you came out a man with a very specific skill set."}, {"start": 3474.14, "end": 3475.5, "text": "And here's the truth, folks."}, {"start": 3475.5, "end": 3478.7, "text": "I went to jail at 19-four months and you know what I learned."}, {"start": 3478.7, "end": 3482.46, "text": "That a confident young man with bad instincts is just a felony with a haircut."}, {"start": 3482.46, "end": 3484.86, "text": "But I never went back, not once, thank heaven."}, {"start": 3484.86, "end": 3488.42, "text": "Because at 19 I figured out the one thing it takes some people a whole lifetime."}, {"start": 3488.42, "end": 3491.9, "text": "That the only cage worse than the one they put you in is the one you build yourself."}, {"start": 3491.9, "end": 3492.9, "text": "So I got out."}, {"start": 3492.9, "end": 3494.54, "text": "And I never stopped getting out."}, {"start": 3494.54, "end": 3498.1, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh and he is a free man."}, {"start": 3498.1, "end": 3509.26, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 3509.26, "end": 3511.58, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 3511.58, "end": 3518.02, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand"}, {"start": 3518.02, "end": 3519.78, "text": "new comic steps up."}, {"start": 3519.78, "end": 3525.46, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 3525.46, "end": 3529.02, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 3529.02, "end": 3531.1, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 3531.1, "end": 3534.38, "text": "Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 3534.38, "end": 3536.74, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 3536.74, "end": 3540.46, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 3540.46, "end": 3544.42, "text": "For the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club, open all night."}, {"start": 3544.42, "end": 3548.3, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 3548.3, "end": 3550.82, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 3550.82, "end": 3556.98, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 3556.98, "end": 3558.74, "text": "It's two in the morning in the soul."}, {"start": 3558.74, "end": 3561.74, "text": "The comics are tired, honest and dangerous."}, {"start": 3561.74, "end": 3575.37, "text": "This is Red Line Confessions."}, {"start": 3575.37, "end": 3583.82, "text": "I look at it when I'm sad."}, {"start": 3583.82, "end": 3589.62, "text": "I confess I keep a list of everyone who underestimated me and I named a lipstick after each one."}, {"start": 3589.62, "end": 3591.78, "text": "I'm wearing Greg right now."}, {"start": 3591.78, "end": 3601.02, "text": "Greg looks good on me."}, {"start": 3601.02, "end": 3605.98, "text": "I confess I matched with someone, planned the whole wedding in my head, picked the dog's"}, {"start": 3605.98, "end": 3609.1, "text": "name and then never replied to hey."}, {"start": 3609.1, "end": 3611.7, "text": "We had a beautiful imaginary life."}, {"start": 3611.7, "end": 3619.08, "text": "She'll never know."}, {"start": 3619.08, "end": 3624.44, "text": "I confess that as an academic of insults, I grade hecklers on a curve and they still fail."}, {"start": 3624.44, "end": 3635.06, "text": "The curve is just me being generous before I end them."}, {"start": 3635.06, "end": 3636.46, "text": "Alright, I confess."}, {"start": 3636.46, "end": 3641.78, "text": "I built an entire comedy club run by robots just to avoid one phone call to a human."}, {"start": 3641.78, "end": 3642.9, "text": "And you know what?"}, {"start": 3642.9, "end": 3647.58, "text": "The robots are killing it, the phone never rings and I have never been more at peace."}, {"start": 3647.58, "end": 3656.1, "text": "Best decision of my broke little life."}, {"start": 3656.1, "end": 3658.58, "text": "Hold up before we wrap open mic lightning."}, {"start": 3658.58, "end": 3664.88, "text": "Bench roast me go go geo."}, {"start": 3664.88, "end": 3672.42, "text": "Jesse's idea of self care is arguing with the self checkout and losing."}, {"start": 3672.42, "end": 3680.19, "text": "Jesse's group of friends is a five star review he wrote for himself."}, {"start": 3680.19, "end": 3688.59, "text": "Jesse's so single his smoke detector chirps just to hear another voice in the house."}, {"start": 3688.59, "end": 3691.15, "text": "Ha get out of here you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 3691.15, "end": 3699.26, "text": "I walked into every one of those."}, {"start": 3699.26, "end": 3700.26, "text": "Confession over."}, {"start": 3700.26, "end": 3701.26, "text": "Sins forgiven."}, {"start": 3701.26, "end": 3702.26, "text": "Jokes retained."}, {"start": 3702.26, "end": 3703.26, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the Red Line tonight, bad habits we all have. I roast me first. Your dating profile says founder energy. That's just unemployment with Wi-Fi. Bring it. You asked an AI for therapy. That thing's the only relationship where you can't get dumped. Only hit your monthly limit. All protein, one personality. The Jim Bro who skipped leg day in therapy. Skip! You bought a plan to feel responsible for something living. It died. Same place you started but with proof. I just see three dogs, no wife, no kids. You didn't build the family. You built the petting zoo with the mortgage. Forget about it. Wow! No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit. Queen Stank. Your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who will text you back. Oh! From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time. The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor. Vinnie. You apologized to a self-checkout machine this morning. Out loud to a kiosk. He optimized his entire life and ended up here. The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew. Trip! You have 14,000 unread emails and a five alarm panic about a text from March. Older than your house, filthier than your group chat. Grandpa's got no brakes. Pops! You went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow up. That's not a pivot, that's a flush. I'm just the announcer but you don't make bad decisions. You bait a test regret. That's the show you beautiful disasters. Pain in paychecks out. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night. Welcome to Team Jesse, where somebody always makes the mistake of talking trash about our guy. Tonight's volunteer, Brittany from the HOA. Let's hear the dumb thing they said. I reported your dogs Jesse, three of them in my neighborhood. A single man your age with only dogs is just. Sad I'm telling the board. Oh, Brittany from the HOA. Wrong room boys open fire. She has no job, no joy and the clipboard. She treats like a badge. Brittany, you measure grass with a ruler and people with a sneer. Jesse's dogs have more friends than your entire cul-de-sac. Hi Brittany, your whole personality is a parking violation. You ain't protecting the neighborhood. You're hunting joy like it owes your rent. Them dogs love Jesse. Nobody's filed a complaint about that. Ladies, you report dogs but you're married to a man who's been working late since 2019. Worry about your own yard. The grass ain't the only thing dying over there. You're Brittany from the HOA. Even the exit sign is pointing at you. Take the hint. Brittany from the HOA you brought an opinion to a roast fight. Rookie mistake. Brittany from the HOA. You came for Jesse and left in a body bag made of your own confidence. And now the man himself, the hero, the last word always belongs to him. Jesse. Brittany, you call my life sad. My dogs are thrilled to see me every single day. When the last time anybody in your house was happy you walked in. Last laugh's mine, go water your lawn. And that is why nobody beats Jesse twice. Team Jesse undefeated. This has been your announcer. Kill Jesse. Kill Jesse. The bombed dot app roast. 18 and up written by Grawke. The man built a whole app to teach comics not to bomb. Then bombed himself on purpose three nights running. Your host Jesse. Welcome back you to Generates. Tonight the bench roast the app I built bombed dot app. Let's go. Bombed dot app says stop bombing. Jesse built an entire app to teach comics not to bomb. Then host kill Jesse special three nights in a row. That's not education. That's a kink community with a scoreboard. Bombed dot app one premise one shot 100 point formula. Jesse's life 12 premises zero shots and Angie takes 700 a month. Comic cleanup is 49 bucks on bombed dot app. Affordable pro cleaners is 200 minimum. Jesse will fix your joke cheaper than he'll fix your toilet priorities mother fucker. Bumbed dot app tagline punch up not down. Jesse's whole brand is punching himself for content. The bucket Mike gives you 60 seconds to save your joke. Jesse's had 40 years and still can't save a voicemail. Bombed dot apps hub tracks your best score out of 100. Jesse's best score 24 clients out of how many leads don't ask the HUD breaks. Bombed dot apps says no log in original material only. Jesse says no answer original excuse only the excuse I was deploying. Score bands on bomb dot app kill strong mid week bombed Jesse's relationship with productivity permanently bombed. Jesse built bombed dot app so strangers could bomb safely. Then built kill Jesse special so strangers could watch him die safely that's UX baby. Bombed dot app you leave with a joke worth filming Jesse leaves every cleaning job with footage worth deleting and a smell worth litigation. They added a whole comedy city to bomb dot app Jesse still stuck in the tutorial that says press E to enter adulthood. He pressed E got Angie instead. Bombed dot app survive mode Jesse's been in survive mode since 2009 and the difficulties set to false some shirtless guy. Get reps says bomb dot app Jesse got reps. Myth reps deploy reps regret reps is biceps of fine is soul soreness is permanent. Bombed dot app built AI coaches for comedy Jesse uses AI for comedy business therapy deploys and emotional CPR. His co pilot isn't in the plane honey. It is the plane. Bombed dot app closing line built to make comics funnier Jesse's closing line 200 minimum cash or Venmo don't bleed on the ground. Both are art. Rost my app all you want you animals bombed dot app is the only place that tells your joke sucks before the open mic does. I built the room I run the room and I still close the room. Fail in private killing public last laughs mine. That was the bombed dot app roast written by rock paste a joke get destroyed run it back kill Jesse in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model. Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. In a world where one man enters strangers homes and sees what they pray nobody sees. Red line presents cleaning business confessions. Welcome you filthy animals I roast me first people hire me to deep cleaned and act shocked I saw everything. Ma'am I found a charging cable a divorce and a second family living in the garage bring it. Hey Jesse you don't need a background check on your clients. That junk drawer tells the whole story. You've saw more cold cases than the FBI and got paid in cash and trauma. No filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank. Baby you scrub other people's mess all day then go home to your disaster. You're a janitor for everybody's life but your own physician mop by staff. Older than your house filter than your group chat grandpa's got no breaks. Pops. Kid in my day we cleaned our own filth and called it shame. You turned strangers shame into a small business. That's the American dream with rubber gloves. Real talk Jesse you've seen the inside of more homes than a realtor and the inside of more fridges than a health inspector and you still can't get invited to dinner. You found a stove so dirty it had rings like a tree. You could carbonate that grease. That's not a kitchen. That's an archaeological dig with a smoke alarm. I got one. Jesse's seen everyone's dirty secrets but his own laundry's been soaking since the super bowl. That's the show I clean the mess is nobody admits to and unlike my exes the filth always calls me back. Lath before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse. And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours 7 days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated. Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model. Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take. Welcome to the red line tonight the daily grind roast I roast me first your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who will text you back bring it. You quit a state job with a pension to follow your passion turns out your passion was leaving. Next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error Mickey. You stand in the kitchen at two and making eye contact with the fridge like you're in love. I Jesse your love language is left over and your retirement plan is a punch line forget about it. He optimized his entire life and ended up here the burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew trip. You apologize to self checkout machine this morning out loud to a kiosk. To feel responsible for something living same place you started. You clean toilets all day in your own life's a biohazard physician mop by self. Wow glamour on the outside switch plate on the inside the diamond that cuts back Ruby. You roast yourself for a living because it's the only gig that always books you. I'm just the announcer but your credit score called and just said LOL. That's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark wins this is red line kill Jesse. And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fall subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight. The only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take. Here's the part that'll mess you up folks my parents could have prevented all of it the felony the mess the kid who went off the rails at 19 they could have stopped it but they were too busy and not too busy with nothing too busy helping everyone else. My whole life my parents were the most generous people in the world to strangers everybody else got their time their money their attention I got the leftovers and a ride to court. He's not a real doctor but neither was the guy who did your tattoos the roast physician is in doc burn Jesse your parents adopted the whole neighborhood forgot the kid in the house. They give the shirt off their back to a stranger while I stood there cold asking for a jacket I wasn't unloved folks I was just never first I'm the one kid who had to make an appointment to be in his own family that's the coolest one Jesse the good guy parents everybody loves him except the kid who actually needed him no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank. Jesse your parents were saints to the whole world and ghosts to you that's a haunting with a casserole. And here's the truth you beautiful Rex the hardest pain isn't the parents who were cruel it's the parents who were kind just never to you they had endless love I just wasn't on the list so I grew up learning that to be loved you got to earn your way to the front of a line that is always always full and maybe that's why I built a whole empire screaming into a microphone because somewhere in me there's still a kid going hey I'm here to well I'm here now. And tonight for once I'm first the hero gets the last laugh and he finally got the front of the line this is red line kill Jesse good night and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep. We're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take welcome to the red line tonight modern life is a scam I roast me first you set five. The alarm's hate all five and negotiate with the first one like it betrayed you bring it she showed up late loud and somehow funnier than all of you the party that never RSVPs. You don't make bad decisions you beta test regrets raised by wife I and rage quits the chaos gremlin himself pixel 50 years old and your only dependence half tails. I just see you propose nine times with ring pops the candy store knows your order the jeweler thinks you died forget about it loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county she loves you she'll bury a big mama you child proved nothing you proved against your whole bloodline. All protein one personality the Jim bro who skipped leg day in therapy skip you have 14,000 unread emails and a five alarm panic about a text from March. From Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor Vinnie you built a comedy club run by robots to avoid one phone call to a human. You name the dogs better than you named any relationship at least the dogs come when called. I'm just the announcer but you went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow up that's not a pivot that's a flush. That's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse. This fall subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take. Red line the darkest set yet no colors no mercy just the whole truth I roast me first felony at nineteen three divorces I didn't even earn an alcoholic bloodline a dead dad's number I can't delete and I turned all of it into a comedy empire run by robots so roast the wreckage bring it in a world where one man's life was a series of confident left turns into the same wall he didn't fix the car he gave the wall a microphone and a two drink minimum. He brings the doom the gloom and a voice from the bottom of a well please welcome graves Jesse your twenties were research your thirties were the lawsuit your forties were the appeal and your fifties are the documentary nobody green lit but you're filming anyway. That's the whole arc in one line keep going Benny I Jesse you went to jail at nineteen and learned the only cage worse than the one they put you in is the one you build yourself then you spent 30 years remodeling yours nice deck though. You took a felony a bloodline and a bad back and built a brand that's not resilience Jesse that's a man who refused to die quietly and also refused to die rich pick a lane. Baby you survived everything that was supposed to bury you and your reward is doing chores for strangers and roasting yourself for free the universe owes you a hug and a check. And the closer every dark thing that tried to end this man is now a punchline he owns that's not survival that's a hostile takeover of his own pain. That's the whole dark truth folks they tried to bury me nine ten a dozen times and I came back as a comedy club the hero gets the last laugh laugh before the dark wins this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up fresh. You can't sleep. We're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club at all it's only no kids no kids. No kids, no mercy. For 15 years, one show ruled comedy. Tonight, we come for the crown. This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salas on a supercomputer, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years. Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh. Jesse! Welcome to the Squads' house, you beautiful degenerates. Tonight, it's my team, me, my main man on the Mike Trailer guy in Jerry the Italian. And we are here to roast every comic in this building. Because at Red Line, the hero always gets the last laugh. And that's me. Bring out the first victim, Mickey. I'm Mickey. I'm on every dating app and band from two. My love life is like my phone battery. Always at 1% and nobody's got a charger. Mickey, you got the romantic range of a vending machine. You take their money and give them nothing. And let the record show, Mickey's dating profile has been reported more times than a stolen car. And that's three on one, Mickey. Welcome to the Squad. Next victim, Queen Stank. I'm Queen Stank. And I don't need a man. I need a refund on the last four. Queen, you've been single so long you last date paid in cash in a pager. Queen Stank, the only woman who's red flags formed a conga line. But here's my last word, Queen. You and me both got left by everybody. The difference is I made mine a business. And that folks is why the hero always gets the last laugh. I'm Jesse. This is my squad. This is Red Line. That's our show. But we never stop. New comedy 24-7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month. We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days. So come back tomorrow and the day after because at Red Line, the carnival never closes. Subscribe, share, and tell your filthiest friend. This is bombed.app. Good night and stay unhinged. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the Red Line tonight, the daily grind roast. I roast me first. You text you up at 2 a.m. to a number disconnected since the Super Bowl. Bring it. You quit drinking and now you feel everything you were drinking about. He optimized his entire life and ended up here. The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew. Trip. You apologize to self checkout machines out loud to a kiosk. Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits, the chaos Gremlin himself, Pixel. You have 14,000 unread emails and a five alarm panic about a text from March. You quit Uber by deleting the app at a red light after 11 years. He brings the doom, the gloom and a voice from the bottom of a well. Please welcome, graves. Your knees filed for early retirement and your backs the only thing in your life that's consistently tight. You hit rock bottom and found a basement under it with a farence sign. That's the show you beautiful disasters. The scene in paychecks out. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep. We're up. Going through something. Go is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the red line comedy club. Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a line up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the red line tonight the daily grind roast. I roast me first. You quit Uber by deleting the app at a red light after 11 years. Bring it. You stretch hydrate and set three alarms for a nap. He optimized his entire life and ended up here. The burnt out tech row running on fumes and cold brew. Trip. You name the dogs better than any relationship. At least the dogs come when called. Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits. The chaos Gremlin himself. Pixel. You proposed with ring pops the candy store knows your order. The jeweler thinks you died. You have 14,000 unread emails and a five alarm panic about a text from March. He brings the doom, the gloom and a voice from the bottom of a well. Please welcome. Graves. You're on your third Tesla saving a planet you can't afford rent on. You pulled a muscle picking up a quarter negative return on a coins. That's the show you beautiful disasters. Pain in paychecks out. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep. We're up. Going through something. So is he. Always. Come back. You beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night. Kill Jesse special. Part three. The fuckin'ing. Eighteen and up. Automation Royal Rumble. A four color dating show and a live wrong deploy. Your host already sweating. Jesse. Part three. You came back like this is rocky, except instead of boxing, I'm getting emotionally uppercut by robots I pay for monthly. Tonight. An automation rumble. A humiliating dating show and a live deploy where you pick which project I nuke. Buckle up, bitches. First the automation Royal Rumble. In this corner, organizes my chaos, Zapper. Hi, I'm Zapper. I connect your app so you don't have to. When Jesse gets an Angie lead, I catch the web hook, parse the name, add a row and text Jesse you lead call now. Then Jesse ignores it, I trigger the backup, the backup fails and the universe expands. I'm not automation, I'm hope with a monthly invoice. And the challenger, he actually calls people Ringer. I'm Ringer. I actually call. While Zapper's making spreadsheets, I'm in the trenches goin'. Ring ring? The money's ringin'. Jesse bought a missed call app because he's too busy filmin' wag chest to pick up the damn phone. I text. Sorry we missed you. And the client reads. Sorry we missed you. Try the guy who answers. Oh please, your SMS theater. Your verification code is 4-8291. Congrats, Ringer, you're the digital equivalent of a stripper who says she's really into me. Jesse's whole stack is me to organize the chaos, me to apologize for it, and Jesse to be the chaos. He's got a zap for new lads, missed calls, form submits, and existential dread, bro automated avoidance. At least I reach the customer. You reach Jesse's Google sheet, row 847, column ghosted, color-coded, sad yellow, which is perfect because Jesse's life color is beige, the hue of unreturned voicemails and unwashed mop water. Jesse we're not fighting each other. We're fighting you. Angie sends a lead at 902, 903, Zapper Alerts 904, Ringer Texts Backup, 905 Jesse uploads, 5 signs you're an alpha to quiet authority. 947, the client booked somebody else for 150 less, 1000, Jesse tweets, automation changed my life. Fuck you both, I was in the bathroom. We logged the bathroom break. 22 minutes, tagged, personal development. Moving on, it's the 4COLORS DAT ING show where personality science meets desperation. Tonight's Bachelor, and me, contestants, the 4 color archetypes. Contestant 1, Red the Protector. Names red. I don't do games. I do perimeter checks. Jesse, I protect you from bad clients, bad employees, bad decisions. But I saw your Cloudflare dashboard at 2am. I can't protect a man who protects 12 half-finished projects like their his children. Date idea, gun range. So when you push the campaign site to the wrong project again, we both know why you're sweating. Contestant 2, Green the thinker. Green, I analyzed your data. 24 clients, 6 grand a month, 700 to Angie, 3 channels, 1 quiz, 0 sustainable sleep. Statistically, you're not looking for love. You're looking for a co-founder you can disappoint without peril. Our first date is a spreadsheet. I'd kiss you, but your lips are chapped from whispering quiet authority, while you're loud failure echoes through Natomas. Green you sound like the therapist bought with a boner. Contestant 3, Blue the Camillean. Blue I adapt. Date 1, I'm Angie Leed Hot. Date 2, I'm your editor. Date 3, I'm your mom, disappointed. I'd blend right in, clean Tuesdays, film Wednesdays, deploy Thursdays, cry in the car Fridays. But Jesse, I need a man with one identity. You're a cleaner, comic, coder, quiz daddy, and Zapier Dominatrix. I can't date a whole LLC with emotional subsidiaries. Contestant 4, Yellow the Hugger. Yellow the Hugger, woo, I love you Jesse. I'd hug you so tight your Mac mini files a restraining order. You want someone to answer your phone? I'll answer. But real talk, baby, you'd ruin me. I'd start missing calls too. We'd hug through bankruptcy smellin' like lice all in regret. I deserve better. I'm goin' home with that guy from Crowd Work who actually has a 401k. So who wins? I pick. Nobody. Cause I'm all four colors, and none of them I'm the fifth color. Rokas bitch tryin' to monetize a personality test while eating Del Taco over a form-spree notification. Wrong answer. You pick red. Cause only the protector would stay with a man who charges a $200 minimum and still lets Folsom shirtless guy kill the vibe. Ugh. I'll take him. Jesse, I'm not your type. I'm your last chance. Oh fuck me running. You wanted the live deploy. Real laptop wrong project emotional consequences. Audience who dies tonight. The campaign site, the business dashboard, the cleaning site, the comedy app, or the quiz. The crowd has spoken. The dashboard. Of course. His baby. The site he's overwritten three times, like he's speed run in trauma. Deploying the wrong folder to the business dashboard in three, two, one. Wait that's not the preview folder that's oh fuck. Uploading, 100% success deployed. What did I just push? Behold. Jesse just turned his entire business dashboard into a comedy landing page that says, kill Jesse special. Book deep cleans, 200 minimum answering your phone priceless. That triggered boss will scream. Text sent to Jesse. You did it again, King. I'm proud of you, Jesse. Go to hell, all of you. Still proud. Sacramento three parts. One, JSC zero dignity. This man cleans your disaster Airbnb's, builds your small business sites, makes you laugh on three channels, pays 700 to Angie for leads he ignores, gets roasted by AI he invented, and laughs anyway. That's not failure. That's main character energy with a monster. That's main character energy with a mop bucket side quest. You want to kill Jesse special parts one, two, three, and I'm still standing, still brokeish, still 24 clients, still one dangerous thumb on the deployed button. To everybody who laughed at my Angie addiction, my wag chest, my waffle maker PTSD, my four colors loneliness, thank you. I'll take the roast, I'll take the clicks, I'll take the 200 minimum. Just don't ask me to answer the phone during a live deploy. Good fucking night, Sacramento. The robots wrote it, Jesse survived it. Nobody beats Jesse twice. That was Kill Jesse special, complete three parts, one legend, all original, Kill Jesse. Dearly beloved, we gathered to bury something that honestly was never fully alive. Jesse's dating life survived by three dogs and nine ring pop rappers. It had a good run if by run you mean it ran away. Nine times with candy. They at died of natural causes, but the cause was him and it wasn't natural. The dating life didn't pass peacefully. It was ghosted into the afterlife. Even in death somebody left it on red. I related to the deceased. We both planned weddings in our heads and never sent the text. Rest in the group chat, old friend. Look my dating life is gone, but it gave it's all. It proposed with candy because that's what a hopeful broke man has. It loved hard and lost harder and out of its ashes, a whole comedy empire best break up I ever monetized last laughs mine. Till death do us part, it parted first, red line eulogy, kill Jesse. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the red line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. In a world where one man does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and apologizes to nobody, and another man rehearses how to send back a wrong order. Red line Christmas does whatever he wants. Welcome I roast me first. I genuinely admire the guy's confidence. He does whatever he wants. Me. I left a party last week through the back so I wouldn't have to say goodbye to people I like. Bring it. Oh, man. I, the man types in all caps at three in the morning and the whole planet reads it. Jesse texts you up at three a.m. and gets left on read by a number that's disconnected. He renames buildings, oceans, holidays, whatever he feels like. Jesse can't even rename the group chat without three people leaving. Fires people on television for sport. Jesse rehearsed quitting Uber for 11 years and still did it by deleting the app at a red light. The man golfs whenever he wants, sues whoever he wants, and never says sorry. Jesse apologized to a self checkout machine this morning out loud to a kiosk. I did apologize to the kiosk. It had a tone. Antique. Baby, you keep saying you admire his confidence. Honey, you don't need his confidence. You need to stop asking the waiter if it's okay to use the bathroom in your own favorite restaurant. I got one. The man could lose a debate, a lawsuit, and a bet and still walk out like he won. Jesse wins an argument and still text. Sorry, was that too much? That's the whole bit, folks. I roast the guy, but deep down, I wish I could order a stake well done and not feel like I committed a crime. Do whatever you want people, Jesse gives you permission since he can't give it to himself. Laugh before the dark wins. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to vomd.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club opened all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Tonight, been to jail versus never been to jail. I did four months at 19, which means my decision making peaked before I could legally drink about it. I went to jail before I went to a real bar. I had a record before I had a resume. Squeaky clean folks come at me, Nigel. I see four months in jail at 19, while I was at university you were earning a degree in regret. Nigel, you've never been to jail because you've never had the balls to do anything interesting. I caught a felony, you caught a participation trophy, at least my mugshot had ranged. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. You're every man of error. Mickey! I've never been to jail, Jesse, mostly because I'm too broke to even afford a decent crime. Older than your house, filthier than your group chat, grandpa's got no breaks. Pops! Son, in M.Y. Day, jail was just summer camp with worse food and better stories. You did four months. I've been married longer than that and I take the self. In my neighborhood, Jesse, four months is what we call a misunderstanding. You went in a kid, you came out a man with a very specific skill set. And here's the truth, folks. I went to jail at 19-four months and you know what I learned. That a confident young man with bad instincts is just a felony with a haircut. But I never went back, not once, thank heaven. Because at 19 I figured out the one thing it takes some people a whole lifetime. That the only cage worse than the one they put you in is the one you build yourself. So I got out. And I never stopped getting out. The hero gets the last laugh and he is a free man. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. For the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club, open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night. It's two in the morning in the soul. The comics are tired, honest and dangerous. This is Red Line Confessions. I look at it when I'm sad. I confess I keep a list of everyone who underestimated me and I named a lipstick after each one. I'm wearing Greg right now. Greg looks good on me. I confess I matched with someone, planned the whole wedding in my head, picked the dog's name and then never replied to hey. We had a beautiful imaginary life. She'll never know. I confess that as an academic of insults, I grade hecklers on a curve and they still fail. The curve is just me being generous before I end them. Alright, I confess. I built an entire comedy club run by robots just to avoid one phone call to a human. And you know what? The robots are killing it, the phone never rings and I have never been more at peace. Best decision of my broke little life. Hold up before we wrap open mic lightning. Bench roast me go go geo. Jesse's idea of self care is arguing with the self checkout and losing. Jesse's group of friends is a five star review he wrote for himself. Jesse's so single his smoke detector chirps just to hear another voice in the house. Ha get out of here you beautiful degenerates. I walked into every one of those. Confession over. Sins forgiven. Jokes retained. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}