{"file": "audio/vault/413_pets_pet_threedogs.mp3", "duration_sec": 123.5, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.26, "text": "One man, three dogs, no wife, no kids,"}, {"start": 2.26, "end": 6.91, "text": "and a couch that gave up, red line pet comedy."}, {"start": 6.91, "end": 9.63, "text": "Three dogs and no man in the house, baby,"}, {"start": 9.63, "end": 11.39, "text": "those dogs are the relationship,"}, {"start": 11.39, "end": 19.43, "text": "and you're the one who got friend-zoned."}, {"start": 19.43, "end": 21.91, "text": "Clinically, three dogs is not a pet situation."}, {"start": 21.91, "end": 24.35, "text": "It's a small cult, and you are not the leader."}, {"start": 24.35, "end": 33.73, "text": "You're the food guy."}, {"start": 33.73, "end": 37.45, "text": "He talks to them in full sentences and waits for answers."}, {"start": 37.45, "end": 39.57, "text": "Darling, the scary part is the dogs"}, {"start": 39.57, "end": 47.48, "text": "have started screening him."}, {"start": 47.48, "end": 48.92, "text": "Yeah, three dogs, no wife."}, {"start": 48.92, "end": 50.02, "text": "I didn't build a family."}, {"start": 50.02, "end": 52.32, "text": "I built a petting zoo with a mortgage."}, {"start": 52.32, "end": 53.42, "text": "But they come when I call."}, {"start": 53.42, "end": 56.6, "text": "They never ghost, and one of them answered last Tuesday."}, {"start": 56.6, "end": 58.86, "text": "That's more than my ex's ever did."}, {"start": 58.86, "end": 66.7, "text": "Last laughs mine."}, {"start": 66.7, "end": 69.2, "text": "Hold up before we wrap open mic lightning."}, {"start": 69.2, "end": 75.31, "text": "Bench roast me, go, go, go."}, {"start": 75.31, "end": 77.97, "text": "Jesse hit 50, and his body started charging him"}, {"start": 77.97, "end": 83.18, "text": "rent for past mistakes."}, {"start": 83.18, "end": 85.94, "text": "Jesse fought a cat's worth of hair all day."}, {"start": 85.94, "end": 89.62, "text": "Came home, and three dogs added their resignation letters"}, {"start": 89.62, "end": 90.62, "text": "to the pile."}, {"start": 90.62, "end": 97.58, "text": "Jesse's retirement plan is a punchline, and a prayer he's"}, {"start": 97.58, "end": 99.58, "text": "not allowed to say."}, {"start": 99.58, "end": 103.78, "text": "Ha, get out of here."}, {"start": 103.78, "end": 105.42, "text": "You beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 105.42, "end": 113.51, "text": "I walked into every one of those."}, {"start": 113.51, "end": 115.83, "text": "Three dogs, one hero, zero regrets."}, {"start": 115.83, "end": 117.95, "text": "Red line pet comedy, kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nOne man, three dogs, no wife, no kids, and a couch that gave up, red line pet comedy. Three dogs and no man in the house, baby, those dogs are the relationship, and you're the one who got friend-zoned. Clinically, three dogs is not a pet situation. It's a small cult, and you are not the leader. You're the food guy. He talks to them in full sentences and waits for answers. Darling, the scary part is the dogs have started screening him. Yeah, three dogs, no wife. I didn't build a family. I built a petting zoo with a mortgage. But they come when I call. They never ghost, and one of them answered last Tuesday. That's more than my ex's ever did. Last laughs mine. Hold up before we wrap open mic lightning. Bench roast me, go, go, go. Jesse hit 50, and his body started charging him rent for past mistakes. Jesse fought a cat's worth of hair all day. Came home, and three dogs added their resignation letters to the pile. Jesse's retirement plan is a punchline, and a prayer he's not allowed to say. Ha, get out of here. You beautiful degenerates. I walked into every one of those. Three dogs, one hero, zero regrets. Red line pet comedy, kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}