{"file": "audio/vault/405_spicy_today_auto.mp3", "duration_sec": 323.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.0, "text": "This is Spicy Today, the loudest,"}, {"start": 2.0, "end": 4.32, "text": "filthiest 12 minutes on bomb.app."}, {"start": 4.32, "end": 5.6, "text": "Fresh every damn day."}, {"start": 5.6, "end": 9.2, "text": "No clean version, no apology, no chatbot holding the leash."}, {"start": 9.2, "end": 11.2, "text": "One sober mop push and lunatic,"}, {"start": 11.2, "end": 13.76, "text": "a panel built to cook him in 60 second bursts,"}, {"start": 13.76, "end": 16.0, "text": "and a man who always gets the last laugh."}, {"start": 16.0, "end": 17.84, "text": "Today's heat index, felony."}, {"start": 17.84, "end": 18.64, "text": "Here's Jesse."}, {"start": 23.42, "end": 25.58, "text": "What is up, you spicy sons of bitches."}, {"start": 25.58, "end": 27.58, "text": "Welcome to today, the only day I got,"}, {"start": 27.58, "end": 29.26, "text": "because I ain't planning for retirement."}, {"start": 29.26, "end": 31.1, "text": "I'm planning for the next deploy."}, {"start": 31.34, "end": 35.34, "text": "Woke up at 545, pushed a cart through an empty office building,"}, {"start": 35.34, "end": 37.5, "text": "wrote three jokes over a clogged toilet."}, {"start": 38.06, "end": 40.94, "text": "My commute is from the bathroom to the cloud, mother fuckers."}, {"start": 47.7, "end": 51.14, "text": "Panel 60 seconds each, cook today's Jesse, no mercy go."}, {"start": 55.06, "end": 58.74, "text": "You record dirty comedy in a supply closet that smells like bleach,"}, {"start": 58.74, "end": 59.78, "text": "calling it a studio."}, {"start": 60.34, "end": 63.14, "text": "That's not show business, that's a janitor with delusions."}, {"start": 69.49, "end": 72.53, "text": "A chatbot writes from a billion dollar server farm."}, {"start": 72.53, "end": 75.73, "text": "I write from a closet that smells like bleach and ambition,"}, {"start": 75.73, "end": 76.77, "text": "and I'm funnier."}, {"start": 76.77, "end": 80.37, "text": "That's not delusion, that's the underdog tax paid in full."}, {"start": 89.09, "end": 93.81, "text": "Sober man, 50 years old, never drink, never smoke, never a drug,"}, {"start": 93.81, "end": 96.29, "text": "and still looks like he lost a fight with a Tuesday."}, {"start": 96.85, "end": 99.73, "text": "You got the consequences of a wildlife with none of the stories."}, {"start": 107.23, "end": 109.39, "text": "I'm hungover off ambition, mother fucker,"}, {"start": 109.39, "end": 111.31, "text": "and there's no aspirin for trying."}, {"start": 111.31, "end": 113.55, "text": "You black out and forget your shame."}, {"start": 113.55, "end": 116.11, "text": "I remember every bad call and high definition,"}, {"start": 116.11, "end": 118.35, "text": "stone sober, protein shake in hand."}, {"start": 125.28, "end": 128.4, "text": "You got a website for your pain, colorsoftmapain.com."}, {"start": 129.04, "end": 130.56, "text": "Most men go to therapy."}, {"start": 130.88, "end": 134.32, "text": "You went to a DNS provider and pointed your trauma at the cloud."}, {"start": 140.99, "end": 143.71, "text": "Therapy's 200 a session and you can't sell it."}, {"start": 143.71, "end": 148.11, "text": "I turned my pain into a website, a book, a movie, and a music catalog."}, {"start": 148.11, "end": 151.39, "text": "You cried into a pillow, I cried into a content calendar."}, {"start": 151.39, "end": 152.35, "text": "One of us has merch."}, {"start": 153.07, "end": 163.94, "text": "You wake up at 5.45 to clean offices, nobody thanks you for."}, {"start": 163.94, "end": 166.1, "text": "Then build comedy nobody asked for."}, {"start": 166.1, "end": 168.74, "text": "That's two thankless jobs, you beautiful idiot."}, {"start": 172.94, "end": 175.34, "text": "Two thankless jobs and I'm great at both."}, {"start": 175.34, "end": 178.22, "text": "I clean what you won't touch and I say what you won't dare."}, {"start": 178.22, "end": 181.66, "text": "You're welcome twice and I'm still charging 200 minimum."}, {"start": 184.82, "end": 190.1, "text": "You name the app bomb, stop bombin on stage, then hosted four nights of kill Jesse."}, {"start": 190.1, "end": 193.22, "text": "That's a recovery program where you're the only patient in the dealer."}, {"start": 194.02, "end": 195.22, "text": "You."}, {"start": 199.86, "end": 204.82, "text": "I'm the patient and the doctor, which means when I fail, I build myself 200 minimum."}, {"start": 204.82, "end": 208.26, "text": "That's not a relapse dickhead, that's vertical integration."}, {"start": 214.66, "end": 218.66, "text": "You deployed your dashboard to the wrong website three times."}, {"start": 218.66, "end": 222.18, "text": "That's not a tech era, that's a kink."}, {"start": 222.18, "end": 224.5, "text": "The man's safe word is deploy."}, {"start": 230.82, "end": 234.82, "text": "I deployed wrong because I'm the CEO, the janitor, the writer, and the talent."}, {"start": 235.14, "end": 238.98, "text": "One man every half, which makes me bald, broke, and busy."}, {"start": 238.98, "end": 241.7, "text": "You can't fumble a ball you never had the balls to carry."}, {"start": 250.46, "end": 255.98, "text": "You got more domains than a cartel, a quiz site, a pain site, a music site,"}, {"start": 255.98, "end": 260.38, "text": "a stop bombin site, and you still can't find the right door to deploy too."}, {"start": 268.02, "end": 270.74, "text": "More domains than a cartel and half the overhead."}, {"start": 270.74, "end": 272.82, "text": "I'm not lost, I'm diversified."}, {"start": 272.82, "end": 274.98, "text": "You got one job and you're scared of it."}, {"start": 274.98, "end": 277.38, "text": "I got nine and I'm winning on volume alone."}, {"start": 279.06, "end": 280.58, "text": "You got two days."}, {"start": 280.58, "end": 287.28, "text": "And I show up every one of them sober with a mop in one hand and a mic in the other."}, {"start": 287.28, "end": 288.4, "text": "That's spicy today."}, {"start": 288.4, "end": 291.52, "text": "200 minimum no refunds, good fucking night."}, {"start": 291.52, "end": 296.4, "text": "Spicy today in the books, the human beat the chatbot again, back tomorrow, hotter."}, {"start": 296.4, "end": 297.44, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThis is Spicy Today, the loudest, filthiest 12 minutes on bomb.app. Fresh every damn day. No clean version, no apology, no chatbot holding the leash. One sober mop push and lunatic, a panel built to cook him in 60 second bursts, and a man who always gets the last laugh. Today's heat index, felony. Here's Jesse. What is up, you spicy sons of bitches. Welcome to today, the only day I got, because I ain't planning for retirement. I'm planning for the next deploy. Woke up at 545, pushed a cart through an empty office building, wrote three jokes over a clogged toilet. My commute is from the bathroom to the cloud, mother fuckers. Panel 60 seconds each, cook today's Jesse, no mercy go. You record dirty comedy in a supply closet that smells like bleach, calling it a studio. That's not show business, that's a janitor with delusions. A chatbot writes from a billion dollar server farm. I write from a closet that smells like bleach and ambition, and I'm funnier. That's not delusion, that's the underdog tax paid in full. Sober man, 50 years old, never drink, never smoke, never a drug, and still looks like he lost a fight with a Tuesday. You got the consequences of a wildlife with none of the stories. I'm hungover off ambition, mother fucker, and there's no aspirin for trying. You black out and forget your shame. I remember every bad call and high definition, stone sober, protein shake in hand. You got a website for your pain, colorsoftmapain.com. Most men go to therapy. You went to a DNS provider and pointed your trauma at the cloud. Therapy's 200 a session and you can't sell it. I turned my pain into a website, a book, a movie, and a music catalog. You cried into a pillow, I cried into a content calendar. One of us has merch. You wake up at 5.45 to clean offices, nobody thanks you for. Then build comedy nobody asked for. That's two thankless jobs, you beautiful idiot. Two thankless jobs and I'm great at both. I clean what you won't touch and I say what you won't dare. You're welcome twice and I'm still charging 200 minimum. You name the app bomb, stop bombin on stage, then hosted four nights of kill Jesse. That's a recovery program where you're the only patient in the dealer. You. I'm the patient and the doctor, which means when I fail, I build myself 200 minimum. That's not a relapse dickhead, that's vertical integration. You deployed your dashboard to the wrong website three times. That's not a tech era, that's a kink. The man's safe word is deploy. I deployed wrong because I'm the CEO, the janitor, the writer, and the talent. One man every half, which makes me bald, broke, and busy. You can't fumble a ball you never had the balls to carry. You got more domains than a cartel, a quiz site, a pain site, a music site, a stop bombin site, and you still can't find the right door to deploy too. More domains than a cartel and half the overhead. I'm not lost, I'm diversified. You got one job and you're scared of it. I got nine and I'm winning on volume alone. You got two days. And I show up every one of them sober with a mop in one hand and a mic in the other. That's spicy today. 200 minimum no refunds, good fucking night. Spicy today in the books, the human beat the chatbot again, back tomorrow, hotter. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}