{"file": "audio/vault/403_eulogy_eu_uber.mp3", "duration_sec": 141.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.3, "text": "We mourn today, 11 years."}, {"start": 2.3, "end": 4.72, "text": "Jesse's career driving strangers through the night,"}, {"start": 4.72, "end": 11.48, "text": "killed instantly by deleting an app at a red light."}, {"start": 11.48, "end": 16.1, "text": "11 years, five stars, a million miles of other people's"}, {"start": 16.1, "end": 18.04, "text": "problems in his back seat."}, {"start": 18.04, "end": 19.68, "text": "He didn't quit driving."}, {"start": 19.68, "end": 29.58, "text": "He committed a mercy killing on his own spine."}, {"start": 29.58, "end": 32.14, "text": "Medically speaking, the career died of exhaustion"}, {"start": 32.14, "end": 34.42, "text": "and the smell of other people's tacos."}, {"start": 34.42, "end": 44.98, "text": "We thank it for its service and its surge pricing."}, {"start": 44.98, "end": 48.42, "text": "11 years gone in one red light."}, {"start": 48.42, "end": 51.14, "text": "That's the most decisive thing he ever did."}, {"start": 51.14, "end": 59.65, "text": "And he did it sitting still poetry."}, {"start": 59.65, "end": 61.81, "text": "I drove strangers for 11 years and listened"}, {"start": 61.81, "end": 63.57, "text": "to every one of their dreams."}, {"start": 63.57, "end": 66.53, "text": "Then one red light I deleted the app and chased mine."}, {"start": 66.53, "end": 67.85, "text": "The career's dead."}, {"start": 67.85, "end": 69.81, "text": "My back's still negotiating."}, {"start": 69.81, "end": 73.37, "text": "But I'm the driver of my own life now, five stars, no search."}, {"start": 73.37, "end": 81.17, "text": "Last laughs mine."}, {"start": 81.17, "end": 83.63, "text": "Hold up before we wrap open mic lightning."}, {"start": 83.63, "end": 89.79, "text": "Bench roast me go, go, go."}, {"start": 89.79, "end": 93.43, "text": "Jesse cleans cat houses for a living"}, {"start": 93.43, "end": 104.2, "text": "and goes home to three dogs, a fur covered double life."}, {"start": 104.2, "end": 106.16, "text": "Jesse's three dogs have a group chat"}, {"start": 106.16, "end": 111.41, "text": "and he is not in it."}, {"start": 111.41, "end": 113.41, "text": "Jesse's idea of self care is arguing"}, {"start": 113.41, "end": 115.85, "text": "with the self checkout and losing."}, {"start": 115.85, "end": 116.69, "text": "Yeah."}, {"start": 116.69, "end": 118.69, "text": "Yeah."}, {"start": 118.69, "end": 119.53, "text": "Ah, get out of here."}, {"start": 119.53, "end": 121.21, "text": "You beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 121.21, "end": 129.24, "text": "I walked into every one of those."}, {"start": 129.24, "end": 130.44, "text": "Your ride has ended."}, {"start": 130.44, "end": 131.92, "text": "Please rate your existence."}, {"start": 131.92, "end": 133.16, "text": "Red line eulogy."}, {"start": 133.16, "end": 134.32, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nWe mourn today, 11 years. Jesse's career driving strangers through the night, killed instantly by deleting an app at a red light. 11 years, five stars, a million miles of other people's problems in his back seat. He didn't quit driving. He committed a mercy killing on his own spine. Medically speaking, the career died of exhaustion and the smell of other people's tacos. We thank it for its service and its surge pricing. 11 years gone in one red light. That's the most decisive thing he ever did. And he did it sitting still poetry. I drove strangers for 11 years and listened to every one of their dreams. Then one red light I deleted the app and chased mine. The career's dead. My back's still negotiating. But I'm the driver of my own life now, five stars, no search. Last laughs mine. Hold up before we wrap open mic lightning. Bench roast me go, go, go. Jesse cleans cat houses for a living and goes home to three dogs, a fur covered double life. Jesse's three dogs have a group chat and he is not in it. Jesse's idea of self care is arguing with the self checkout and losing. Yeah. Yeah. Ah, get out of here. You beautiful degenerates. I walked into every one of those. Your ride has ended. Please rate your existence. Red line eulogy. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}