{"file": "audio/vault/402_news_20260627_evening.mp3", "duration_sec": 266.1, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.52, "text": "From the only newsroom that cleans toilets between segments,"}, {"start": 3.52, "end": 6.2, "text": "this is Red Line News, evening edition."}, {"start": 6.2, "end": 8.68, "text": "The world explained, then roasted."}, {"start": 8.68, "end": 15.78, "text": "Here's your anchor, Jesse."}, {"start": 15.78, "end": 17.82, "text": "Good evening, you informed degenerates."}, {"start": 17.82, "end": 19.74, "text": "It's Saturday, June 27."}, {"start": 19.74, "end": 21.46, "text": "Here's what the hell happened today."}, {"start": 21.46, "end": 25.22, "text": "Real news, real jokes, and we know the difference."}, {"start": 25.22, "end": 27.58, "text": "Around the world, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 27.58, "end": 31.02, "text": "Mother dies saving daughter in Venezuela earthquakes."}, {"start": 31.02, "end": 37.06, "text": "We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 37.06, "end": 39.38, "text": "Here in the States, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 39.38, "end": 42.1, "text": "Fast moving fire in Utah, the largest in the US,"}, {"start": 42.1, "end": 45.06, "text": "spreads overnight leading to more evacuations."}, {"start": 45.06, "end": 51.27, "text": "We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 51.27, "end": 53.91, "text": "Out in California, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 53.91, "end": 57.47, "text": "California officials unearthed 117 dog bodies,"}, {"start": 57.47, "end": 60.75, "text": "many with bullet fragments at no kill shelter."}, {"start": 60.75, "end": 66.94, "text": "We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 66.94, "end": 69.98, "text": "And right here in Sacramento, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 69.98, "end": 70.9, "text": "Breaking."}, {"start": 70.9, "end": 75.1, "text": "New wildfire reported in Los Angeles County on June 27."}, {"start": 75.1, "end": 81.24, "text": "We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 81.24, "end": 82.6, "text": "That's the heavy stuff."}, {"start": 82.6, "end": 85.04, "text": "Now let's get to where the world gets ridiculous"}, {"start": 85.04, "end": 91.86, "text": "because it always does."}, {"start": 91.86, "end": 97.6, "text": "Around the world, pixel Europe."}, {"start": 97.6, "end": 101.16, "text": "Hold my drink in Caracas, this feels like the hardest moment"}, {"start": 101.16, "end": 103.44, "text": "in Venezuela's modern history."}, {"start": 103.44, "end": 113.12, "text": "History will look back on this and go, yeah, that tracks."}, {"start": 113.12, "end": 118.75, "text": "Here in the States, Vinny, Europe."}, {"start": 118.75, "end": 121.39, "text": "Get this 15 remarkable American places"}, {"start": 121.39, "end": 123.39, "text": "that are older than the United States."}, {"start": 123.39, "end": 126.35, "text": "Let that sink in, then send help, mostly to me."}, {"start": 126.35, "end": 128.75, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 128.75, "end": 132.03, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 132.03, "end": 137.7, "text": "Out in California, Benny, Europe."}, {"start": 137.7, "end": 138.62, "text": "Breaking."}, {"start": 138.62, "end": 140.5, "text": "And I quote, noosom."}, {"start": 140.5, "end": 146.5, "text": "California legislature reached $351.7 billion dollar budget deal."}, {"start": 146.5, "end": 149.5, "text": "Meanwhile, Jesse's out here on his third Tesla save"}, {"start": 149.5, "end": 158.72, "text": "when a planet he can't make rent on."}, {"start": 158.72, "end": 165.37, "text": "And right here in Sacramento, Professor, you're up."}, {"start": 165.37, "end": 167.89, "text": "Front page today, CDFW News."}, {"start": 167.89, "end": 171.45, "text": "CDFW confirms North and most detection of golden muscle"}, {"start": 171.45, "end": 173.25, "text": "in port of West Sacramento."}, {"start": 173.25, "end": 182.78, "text": "And somehow that's still more stable than Jesse's love life."}, {"start": 182.78, "end": 189.77, "text": "Rapid fire, more from the wires, less mercy."}, {"start": 189.77, "end": 193.05, "text": "Front page today, Burkina Faso, severed diplomatic ties"}, {"start": 193.05, "end": 194.21, "text": "with France."}, {"start": 194.21, "end": 196.97, "text": "And they say we're the unserious ones for running a newsroom"}, {"start": 196.97, "end": 204.43, "text": "that cleans toilets."}, {"start": 204.43, "end": 206.95, "text": "Hold my drink, four men held over child marriage"}, {"start": 206.95, "end": 209.99, "text": "in Sierra Leone, appear in landmark court case."}, {"start": 209.99, "end": 212.79, "text": "Meanwhile, Jesse's out here on his third Tesla saving"}, {"start": 212.79, "end": 220.62, "text": "a planet he can't make rent on."}, {"start": 220.62, "end": 223.14, "text": "Get this senior Ukrainian intelligence"}, {"start": 223.14, "end": 226.22, "text": "official jailed for life for spying for Russia."}, {"start": 226.22, "end": 228.9, "text": "And that's the second craziest thing I read today."}, {"start": 228.9, "end": 237.29, "text": "The first was Jesse's dating profile."}, {"start": 237.29, "end": 240.93, "text": "And in local news, a Sacramento man bid $800"}, {"start": 240.93, "end": 251.68, "text": "on a haunted stove and is still waiting to hear back, developing."}, {"start": 251.68, "end": 253.68, "text": "That's Red Line News, evening edition."}, {"start": 253.68, "end": 255.16, "text": "You're informed, you're entertained."}, {"start": 255.16, "end": 256.56, "text": "And we never punched down."}, {"start": 256.56, "end": 258.2, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 258.2, "end": 260.64, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nFrom the only newsroom that cleans toilets between segments, this is Red Line News, evening edition. The world explained, then roasted. Here's your anchor, Jesse. Good evening, you informed degenerates. It's Saturday, June 27. Here's what the hell happened today. Real news, real jokes, and we know the difference. Around the world, straight up, no punchline. Mother dies saving daughter in Venezuela earthquakes. We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that. Here in the States, straight up, no punchline. Fast moving fire in Utah, the largest in the US, spreads overnight leading to more evacuations. We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that. Out in California, straight up, no punchline. California officials unearthed 117 dog bodies, many with bullet fragments at no kill shelter. We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that. And right here in Sacramento, straight up, no punchline. Breaking. New wildfire reported in Los Angeles County on June 27. We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that. That's the heavy stuff. Now let's get to where the world gets ridiculous because it always does. Around the world, pixel Europe. Hold my drink in Caracas, this feels like the hardest moment in Venezuela's modern history. History will look back on this and go, yeah, that tracks. Here in the States, Vinny, Europe. Get this 15 remarkable American places that are older than the United States. Let that sink in, then send help, mostly to me. Oh! Oh! Out in California, Benny, Europe. Breaking. And I quote, noosom. California legislature reached $351.7 billion dollar budget deal. Meanwhile, Jesse's out here on his third Tesla save when a planet he can't make rent on. And right here in Sacramento, Professor, you're up. Front page today, CDFW News. CDFW confirms North and most detection of golden muscle in port of West Sacramento. And somehow that's still more stable than Jesse's love life. Rapid fire, more from the wires, less mercy. Front page today, Burkina Faso, severed diplomatic ties with France. And they say we're the unserious ones for running a newsroom that cleans toilets. Hold my drink, four men held over child marriage in Sierra Leone, appear in landmark court case. Meanwhile, Jesse's out here on his third Tesla saving a planet he can't make rent on. Get this senior Ukrainian intelligence official jailed for life for spying for Russia. And that's the second craziest thing I read today. The first was Jesse's dating profile. And in local news, a Sacramento man bid $800 on a haunted stove and is still waiting to hear back, developing. That's Red Line News, evening edition. You're informed, you're entertained. And we never punched down. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line, kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}