{"file": "audio/vault/393_killjesse_filthy_claude.mp3", "duration_sec": 604.1, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 7.4, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen and every degenerate listening in a parked car pretending to be on a phone call welcome to kill Jesse the filthy one"}, {"start": 7.6, "end": 10.88, "text": "Tonight there's no grok no script doctor no safety net"}, {"start": 10.88, "end": 15.4, "text": "Just one mop push and mother fucker and a room full of people who love him enough to cook him alive"}, {"start": 15.4, "end": 22.04, "text": "He's got four businesses zero callbacks and three dogs who've watched him cry written sharper than usual"}, {"start": 22.04, "end": 23.56, "text": "Here's Jesse"}, {"start": 23.56, "end": 29.32, "text": "What's up you filthy bastards?"}, {"start": 29.32, "end": 33.6, "text": "Sit the fuck down. I know why you're here somebody told you grok wrote a dirty show"}, {"start": 33.6, "end": 35.8, "text": "And you wanted to see if the human could do it better"}, {"start": 36.24, "end": 42.6, "text": "Well buckle up dickhead cuz grok's a chatbot. It's never had to scrub somebody else's shit off a toilet at 6 a.m"}, {"start": 42.6, "end": 46.84, "text": "And then go be funny about it. That's not a skill. That's a fucking superpower"}, {"start": 53.45, "end": 57.29, "text": "Here's me in one sentence. I run a cleaning company. I built a comedy app"}, {"start": 57.29, "end": 63.53, "text": "I got a personality quiz a memoir and a music career and I cannot for the life of me answer a single phone call"}, {"start": 63.53, "end": 69.69, "text": "I pay Angie $700 a month to send me leads and then I let him die in my pocket like a fucking Tomagachi"}, {"start": 70.45, "end": 76.29, "text": "700 a month to ghost strangers. That's not marketing. That's a subscription to Blue Balan my own bank account"}, {"start": 86.86, "end": 89.74, "text": "Bring the crew up cook me. I dare you motherfuckers"}, {"start": 94.14, "end": 100.98, "text": "Jesse you name the app bombed stop bombed in on stage and then you hosted four nights of kill Jesse"}, {"start": 101.26, "end": 104.94, "text": "That's not a brand. That's a relapse with a log in screen"}, {"start": 105.3, "end": 109.1, "text": "You built a recovery program and made yourself the only patient"}, {"start": 115.47, "end": 117.83, "text": "That's fair Mickey, but here's the thing"}, {"start": 117.83, "end": 122.87, "text": "I'm both the patient and the doctor which means when I fail I get to build myself 200 minimum"}, {"start": 123.07, "end": 125.07, "text": "That's not a flaw. That's a funnel"}, {"start": 131.86, "end": 136.5, "text": "Baby you got a four color personality quiz red green blue yellow"}, {"start": 136.9, "end": 139.66, "text": "You took your own quiz and came back as a fifth color"}, {"start": 140.22, "end": 143.18, "text": "Brown full of shit and charge in for the privilege"}, {"start": 149.58, "end": 154.5, "text": "Queen I am all four colors. I'm red enough to start a business green enough to overthink it"}, {"start": 154.5, "end": 158.94, "text": "Blue enough to agree with the client who's screw in me and yellow enough to hug him goodbye"}, {"start": 159.42, "end": 162.82, "text": "The only color I'm missing is green in the fucking bank account"}, {"start": 163.34, "end": 174.45, "text": "This guy don't smoke don't drink never did a drug in his life"}, {"start": 174.85, "end": 181.13, "text": "50 years old stone cold sober and still made every bad decision a crackhead would make you didn't even get the fun part"}, {"start": 181.13, "end": 184.29, "text": "You cheap bastard you got the consequences with no receipt"}, {"start": 191.86, "end": 198.02, "text": "Vinnie I'm the only sober man alive who wakes up with the regret of a bender and the liver of a saint I got divorced"}, {"start": 198.02, "end": 203.38, "text": "I had engagements. I stopped counting women love me and leave me and I did all of it clear-eyed and"}, {"start": 203.5, "end": 208.54, "text": "caffeinated you needed eight beers to ruin your life. I did it on a fucking protein shake"}, {"start": 209.54, "end": 221.4, "text": "Medical fact Jesse you started a vitamin business at 19"}, {"start": 221.6, "end": 226.08, "text": "19 while other kids were getting high you were selling fish oil and here's the diagnosis"}, {"start": 226.28, "end": 230.48, "text": "That's the most tragic origin story I've ever heard you were born 45"}, {"start": 236.22, "end": 241.18, "text": "Doc at 19 I had a business a plan and zero pussy the vitamins worked"}, {"start": 241.18, "end": 244.06, "text": "I was the healthiest lonely mother fucker in the county"}, {"start": 244.06, "end": 247.9, "text": "I had the immune system of an ox and the love life of a house plant"}, {"start": 248.74, "end": 259.53, "text": "Jesse films shirtless content for a channel called wag chest"}, {"start": 260.09, "end": 265.33, "text": "21,000 subscribers watch in your titties while your actual clean-and-business misses calls"}, {"start": 265.77, "end": 271.21, "text": "Your torso is monetized and your phones a paperweight you sold the chest and ghosted the check"}, {"start": 277.82, "end": 286.38, "text": "Ruby my chest has 21,000 subscribers and my phone has none because my chest never asked me to clean a fridge at midnight and it never leaves me on"}, {"start": 286.38, "end": 294.1, "text": "Read I monetize the one part of me that don't talk back. That's not vanity baby. That's the only employee who never quit"}, {"start": 302.5, "end": 310.7, "text": "Jesse deployed his business dashboard to the wrong website three times three. That's not a tech era. That's a kink"}, {"start": 311.18, "end": 313.74, "text": "The man's safe word is deploy"}, {"start": 314.16, "end": 317.7, "text": "He nuts every time cloud flare says success"}, {"start": 324.92, "end": 328.06, "text": "Many I deployed wrong three times because I do everything myself"}, {"start": 328.06, "end": 335.6, "text": "I'm the CEO the engineer the janitor and the talent. You know what you call a man who wears every half bald broke and busy"}, {"start": 335.84, "end": 339.0, "text": "I'm not disorganized. I'm a one-man fucking avalanche"}, {"start": 340.32, "end": 353.72, "text": "Let's talk about Jesse's got a man named Roger. He's been chastened for the big break called him"}, {"start": 354.44, "end": 355.94, "text": "texted him"}, {"start": 355.94, "end": 357.44, "text": "emailed him"}, {"start": 357.44, "end": 359.44, "text": "manifested at him"}, {"start": 359.84, "end": 362.16, "text": "Roger has never once called back"}, {"start": 363.52, "end": 367.68, "text": "Jesse you turned a man's voicemail into a relationship"}, {"start": 368.96, "end": 371.56, "text": "You're in a situation ship with silence"}, {"start": 382.18, "end": 386.38, "text": "Nikki Roger opened my last email didn't reply but he opened it"}, {"start": 386.38, "end": 388.38, "text": "You know what that is in this economy?"}, {"start": 388.38, "end": 390.46, "text": "That's a fucking engagement ring"}, {"start": 390.46, "end": 396.14, "text": "I have given more to Roger than to any woman I ever proposed to and at least Roger never made me pick a venue"}, {"start": 397.14, "end": 405.14, "text": "Here's the kicker this dickhead doesn't have kids"}, {"start": 405.38, "end": 408.18, "text": "Never stayed married and he thinks that keeps him young"}, {"start": 408.74, "end": 411.38, "text": "Brother the gray hair says otherwise"}, {"start": 412.02, "end": 416.46, "text": "You didn't dodge aging aging just build you separately no spouse to split it with"}, {"start": 422.66, "end": 427.34, "text": "Tony no kids no wife you know what I got instead sleep silence and"}, {"start": 427.42, "end": 432.06, "text": "Three dogs who think I hung the moon and have never once asked me for the car keys or a kidney"}, {"start": 432.06, "end": 436.14, "text": "I traded a bloodline for a full-nights rest in a clean spinal column"}, {"start": 436.42, "end": 439.62, "text": "That's not lonely motherfucker. That's portfolio management"}, {"start": 452.02, "end": 454.18, "text": "Jesse you got a website for your pain"}, {"start": 455.38, "end": 458.1, "text": "Colors of my pain.com"}, {"start": 458.98, "end": 463.62, "text": "You took your trauma gave it a domain name and pointed it at cloud flare"}, {"start": 464.42, "end": 466.42, "text": "Most men go to therapy"}, {"start": 466.82, "end": 468.82, "text": "You went to a DNS provider"}, {"start": 475.17, "end": 478.53, "text": "Diesel therapies 200 a session and tells you nothing you can sell"}, {"start": 479.01, "end": 484.45, "text": "I turn my pain into a website a book a movie and a music catalog you cried into a pillow"}, {"start": 484.53, "end": 489.09, "text": "I cried into a content calendar one of us is healing the other ones got merch"}, {"start": 498.75, "end": 500.99, "text": "A question Jesse you fight to out-produce kill"}, {"start": 501.63, "end": 507.31, "text": "The biggest comedy machine on earth from a laptop alone at three in the morning with a mop drying in the next room"}, {"start": 507.63, "end": 509.63, "text": "Do you understand that's insane"}, {"start": 512.85, "end": 519.01, "text": "Professor Corset's insane, but every empire ever built looked insane from the outside the night before it worked"}, {"start": 519.57, "end": 526.61, "text": "They laughed at the guy with the vitamins at 19 to here's the difference between me and a quitter a quitter stops when it's embarrassing"}, {"start": 526.93, "end": 529.57, "text": "I started embarrassed. I got nowhere to fall"}, {"start": 533.76, "end": 536.4, "text": "So here's the truth under all the filth you beautiful animals"}, {"start": 536.8, "end": 542.8, "text": "Grock writes clean cuz Grock's never bled. I grew up loud broke sober and funny at a kitchen table where roasting"}, {"start": 542.96, "end": 546.0, "text": "Each other was the love language every joke tonight was true"}, {"start": 546.08, "end": 551.36, "text": "The missed calls the wrong deploys Roger the chest the pain.com. I'm not embarrassed by any of it"}, {"start": 551.52, "end": 557.68, "text": "I published it you can't roast a man who already wrote the roast charged admission and deployed it to the wrong website on purpose"}, {"start": 562.91, "end": 564.83, "text": "I mop your mess so you can pretend you're fine"}, {"start": 565.15, "end": 567.55, "text": "I write my pain so you know you ain't alone in yours"}, {"start": 567.95, "end": 573.79, "text": "And I built all this weird beautiful internet shit at 3 a.m. Cuz nobody handed me a damn nobody handed me a thing"}, {"start": 574.27, "end": 575.71, "text": "I mopped my way here"}, {"start": 575.79, "end": 581.47, "text": "So roast me all you want mother fuckers the host always gets the last laugh and tonight the human beat the chat box"}, {"start": 581.95, "end": 584.35, "text": "200 minimum no refunds good fucking night"}, {"start": 594.3, "end": 601.66, "text": "That was kill Jesse the filthy one written by a human sharper than the bot and twice as dirty the mop man gets the last laugh"}, {"start": 602.06, "end": 604.06, "text": "kill Jesse"}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLadies and gentlemen and every degenerate listening in a parked car pretending to be on a phone call welcome to kill Jesse the filthy one Tonight there's no grok no script doctor no safety net Just one mop push and mother fucker and a room full of people who love him enough to cook him alive He's got four businesses zero callbacks and three dogs who've watched him cry written sharper than usual Here's Jesse What's up you filthy bastards? Sit the fuck down. I know why you're here somebody told you grok wrote a dirty show And you wanted to see if the human could do it better Well buckle up dickhead cuz grok's a chatbot. It's never had to scrub somebody else's shit off a toilet at 6 a.m And then go be funny about it. That's not a skill. That's a fucking superpower Here's me in one sentence. I run a cleaning company. I built a comedy app I got a personality quiz a memoir and a music career and I cannot for the life of me answer a single phone call I pay Angie $700 a month to send me leads and then I let him die in my pocket like a fucking Tomagachi 700 a month to ghost strangers. That's not marketing. That's a subscription to Blue Balan my own bank account Bring the crew up cook me. I dare you motherfuckers Jesse you name the app bombed stop bombed in on stage and then you hosted four nights of kill Jesse That's not a brand. That's a relapse with a log in screen You built a recovery program and made yourself the only patient That's fair Mickey, but here's the thing I'm both the patient and the doctor which means when I fail I get to build myself 200 minimum That's not a flaw. That's a funnel Baby you got a four color personality quiz red green blue yellow You took your own quiz and came back as a fifth color Brown full of shit and charge in for the privilege Queen I am all four colors. I'm red enough to start a business green enough to overthink it Blue enough to agree with the client who's screw in me and yellow enough to hug him goodbye The only color I'm missing is green in the fucking bank account This guy don't smoke don't drink never did a drug in his life 50 years old stone cold sober and still made every bad decision a crackhead would make you didn't even get the fun part You cheap bastard you got the consequences with no receipt Vinnie I'm the only sober man alive who wakes up with the regret of a bender and the liver of a saint I got divorced I had engagements. I stopped counting women love me and leave me and I did all of it clear-eyed and caffeinated you needed eight beers to ruin your life. I did it on a fucking protein shake Medical fact Jesse you started a vitamin business at 19 19 while other kids were getting high you were selling fish oil and here's the diagnosis That's the most tragic origin story I've ever heard you were born 45 Doc at 19 I had a business a plan and zero pussy the vitamins worked I was the healthiest lonely mother fucker in the county I had the immune system of an ox and the love life of a house plant Jesse films shirtless content for a channel called wag chest 21,000 subscribers watch in your titties while your actual clean-and-business misses calls Your torso is monetized and your phones a paperweight you sold the chest and ghosted the check Ruby my chest has 21,000 subscribers and my phone has none because my chest never asked me to clean a fridge at midnight and it never leaves me on Read I monetize the one part of me that don't talk back. That's not vanity baby. That's the only employee who never quit Jesse deployed his business dashboard to the wrong website three times three. That's not a tech era. That's a kink The man's safe word is deploy He nuts every time cloud flare says success Many I deployed wrong three times because I do everything myself I'm the CEO the engineer the janitor and the talent. You know what you call a man who wears every half bald broke and busy I'm not disorganized. I'm a one-man fucking avalanche Let's talk about Jesse's got a man named Roger. He's been chastened for the big break called him texted him emailed him manifested at him Roger has never once called back Jesse you turned a man's voicemail into a relationship You're in a situation ship with silence Nikki Roger opened my last email didn't reply but he opened it You know what that is in this economy? That's a fucking engagement ring I have given more to Roger than to any woman I ever proposed to and at least Roger never made me pick a venue Here's the kicker this dickhead doesn't have kids Never stayed married and he thinks that keeps him young Brother the gray hair says otherwise You didn't dodge aging aging just build you separately no spouse to split it with Tony no kids no wife you know what I got instead sleep silence and Three dogs who think I hung the moon and have never once asked me for the car keys or a kidney I traded a bloodline for a full-nights rest in a clean spinal column That's not lonely motherfucker. That's portfolio management Jesse you got a website for your pain Colors of my pain.com You took your trauma gave it a domain name and pointed it at cloud flare Most men go to therapy You went to a DNS provider Diesel therapies 200 a session and tells you nothing you can sell I turn my pain into a website a book a movie and a music catalog you cried into a pillow I cried into a content calendar one of us is healing the other ones got merch A question Jesse you fight to out-produce kill The biggest comedy machine on earth from a laptop alone at three in the morning with a mop drying in the next room Do you understand that's insane Professor Corset's insane, but every empire ever built looked insane from the outside the night before it worked They laughed at the guy with the vitamins at 19 to here's the difference between me and a quitter a quitter stops when it's embarrassing I started embarrassed. I got nowhere to fall So here's the truth under all the filth you beautiful animals Grock writes clean cuz Grock's never bled. I grew up loud broke sober and funny at a kitchen table where roasting Each other was the love language every joke tonight was true The missed calls the wrong deploys Roger the chest the pain.com. I'm not embarrassed by any of it I published it you can't roast a man who already wrote the roast charged admission and deployed it to the wrong website on purpose I mop your mess so you can pretend you're fine I write my pain so you know you ain't alone in yours And I built all this weird beautiful internet shit at 3 a.m. Cuz nobody handed me a damn nobody handed me a thing I mopped my way here So roast me all you want mother fuckers the host always gets the last laugh and tonight the human beat the chat box 200 minimum no refunds good fucking night That was kill Jesse the filthy one written by a human sharper than the bot and twice as dirty the mop man gets the last laugh kill Jesse\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}