{"file": "audio/vault/37_pets_vs_no_pets.mp3", "duration_sec": 153.6, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.84, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 2.84, "end": 5.54, "text": "Adults only, no kids, no mercy."}, {"start": 5.54, "end": 8.24, "text": "For 15 years, one show ruled comedy."}, {"start": 8.24, "end": 10.24, "text": "Tonight, we come for the crown."}, {"start": 10.24, "end": 12.84, "text": "This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis"}, {"start": 12.84, "end": 16.68, "text": "on a supercomputer 24 hours a day, seven days a week."}, {"start": 16.68, "end": 20.44, "text": "We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years."}, {"start": 20.44, "end": 24.12, "text": "Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh."}, {"start": 24.12, "end": 25.36, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 25.36, "end": 28.16, "text": "Tonight, Pet Oner versus no PETS."}, {"start": 28.16, "end": 30.6, "text": "I got three dogs which makes me a single man"}, {"start": 30.6, "end": 34.2, "text": "with three dependents who can't testify and love me unconditionally,"}, {"start": 34.2, "end": 36.96, "text": "mostly because they can't read my bank statement."}, {"start": 36.96, "end": 43.55, "text": "No pet people fire, queen's tank."}, {"start": 43.55, "end": 46.03, "text": "Jesse, three dogs and no woman."}, {"start": 46.03, "end": 47.11, "text": "You don't have pets."}, {"start": 47.11, "end": 55.56, "text": "You have a support group that licks itself."}, {"start": 55.56, "end": 60.32, "text": "Queen, you got no pets because nothing could survive your apartment or your attitude."}, {"start": 60.32, "end": 70.4, "text": "My dogs are the only family that never left, and they don't even drink."}, {"start": 70.4, "end": 71.64, "text": "I got no pets, Jesse."}, {"start": 71.64, "end": 72.84, "text": "I'm too busy."}, {"start": 72.84, "end": 83.26, "text": "You got three dogs because you needed something in the house that's actually happy to see you."}, {"start": 83.26, "end": 84.98, "text": "I got a cat that ignores me."}, {"start": 84.98, "end": 92.74, "text": "It's the most honest relationship I've got, and that includes my kids."}, {"start": 92.74, "end": 95.7, "text": "Jesse, your three dogs are the only ones in your life"}, {"start": 95.7, "end": 97.98, "text": "who never asked for a ring or a divorce."}, {"start": 97.98, "end": 99.22, "text": "You didn't get pets."}, {"start": 99.22, "end": 100.82, "text": "You got loyalty."}, {"start": 100.82, "end": 106.14, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 106.14, "end": 107.62, "text": "And that's the war, folks."}, {"start": 107.62, "end": 108.5, "text": "Pets, no pets."}, {"start": 108.5, "end": 112.3, "text": "One of you cleans up after something that loves you, the others, just lonely and tidy."}, {"start": 112.3, "end": 116.58, "text": "Truth is my three dogs have seen me at my absolute worst, and they still wag."}, {"start": 116.58, "end": 120.3, "text": "That's more than my family, my fiance's, or my credit score ever did."}, {"start": 120.3, "end": 123.82, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh, and he's got three of them wagging at the door."}, {"start": 123.82, "end": 132.26, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 132.26, "end": 133.46, "text": "That's our show."}, {"start": 133.46, "end": 134.7, "text": "But we never stop."}, {"start": 134.7, "end": 139.26, "text": "New comedy 24-7, and a two-hour kill Jesse special four times a month."}, {"start": 139.26, "end": 142.46, "text": "We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days."}, {"start": 142.46, "end": 147.34, "text": "So come back tomorrow and the day after because at Red Line, the carnival never closes."}, {"start": 147.34, "end": 150.22, "text": "Subscribe, share, and tell your filthiest friend."}, {"start": 150.22, "end": 151.94, "text": "This is bombed.app."}, {"start": 151.94, "end": 153.42, "text": "Good night, and stay unhinged."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLadies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club. Adults only, no kids, no mercy. For 15 years, one show ruled comedy. Tonight, we come for the crown. This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years. Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh. Jesse. Tonight, Pet Oner versus no PETS. I got three dogs which makes me a single man with three dependents who can't testify and love me unconditionally, mostly because they can't read my bank statement. No pet people fire, queen's tank. Jesse, three dogs and no woman. You don't have pets. You have a support group that licks itself. Queen, you got no pets because nothing could survive your apartment or your attitude. My dogs are the only family that never left, and they don't even drink. I got no pets, Jesse. I'm too busy. You got three dogs because you needed something in the house that's actually happy to see you. I got a cat that ignores me. It's the most honest relationship I've got, and that includes my kids. Jesse, your three dogs are the only ones in your life who never asked for a ring or a divorce. You didn't get pets. You got loyalty. Oh. And that's the war, folks. Pets, no pets. One of you cleans up after something that loves you, the others, just lonely and tidy. Truth is my three dogs have seen me at my absolute worst, and they still wag. That's more than my family, my fiance's, or my credit score ever did. The hero gets the last laugh, and he's got three of them wagging at the door. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. That's our show. But we never stop. New comedy 24-7, and a two-hour kill Jesse special four times a month. We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days. So come back tomorrow and the day after because at Red Line, the carnival never closes. Subscribe, share, and tell your filthiest friend. This is bombed.app. Good night, and stay unhinged.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}