{"file": "audio/vault/374_marathon_202606271445.mp3", "duration_sec": 3714.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.84, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 2.84, "end": 5.54, "text": "Adults only, no kids, no mercy."}, {"start": 5.54, "end": 8.24, "text": "For 15 years, one show ruled comedy."}, {"start": 8.24, "end": 10.24, "text": "Tonight, we come for the crown."}, {"start": 10.24, "end": 13.88, "text": "This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer"}, {"start": 13.88, "end": 16.68, "text": "24 hours a day, seven days a week."}, {"start": 16.68, "end": 20.42, "text": "We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years."}, {"start": 20.42, "end": 24.12, "text": "Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh."}, {"start": 24.12, "end": 25.32, "text": "Jesse!"}, {"start": 25.32, "end": 28.36, "text": "Tonight Rich versus Poor, and I'm captain of Team Broke."}, {"start": 28.36, "end": 32.66, "text": "I'm not poor, I'm pre-rich, and I've been pre-rich for 50 years and four credit cards."}, {"start": 32.66, "end": 36.1, "text": "My bank app doesn't show a balance anymore, it just shows a tear."}, {"start": 36.1, "end": 37.9, "text": "Rich folks, flex on me."}, {"start": 37.9, "end": 43.48, "text": "Nigel, you snob fire."}, {"start": 43.48, "end": 46.32, "text": "Jesse, you're so broke, your wallet has a chalk outline."}, {"start": 46.32, "end": 49.42, "text": "You don't have a savings account, you have a savings concept."}, {"start": 49.42, "end": 61.56, "text": "The closest you'll get to wealthy is standing next to me."}, {"start": 61.56, "end": 65.56, "text": "Nigel, you inherited everything, which means you've never earned a single thing"}, {"start": 65.56, "end": 68.28, "text": "except the resentment of everyone who has."}, {"start": 68.28, "end": 77.68, "text": "I'm in debt, but at least my failures have my name on them."}, {"start": 77.68, "end": 80.58, "text": "I made four million dollars on an app that does nothing."}, {"start": 80.58, "end": 88.8, "text": "Jesse, your whole empire runs on a supercomputer you can barely afford to plug in."}, {"start": 88.8, "end": 91.7, "text": "Triff, you got money but no sold son."}, {"start": 91.7, "end": 104.01, "text": "I've been poor 81 years and let me tell you rich people aren't happier, they just cry in nicer cars."}, {"start": 104.01, "end": 105.79, "text": "I'm broke too, Jesse."}, {"start": 105.79, "end": 114.22, "text": "My credit score and my body count are the same number, and they're both embarrassing."}, {"start": 115.22, "end": 116.72, "text": "And that's the war, folks."}, {"start": 116.72, "end": 120.56, "text": "Rich poor, one of you can't sleep from worry, the other can't sleep on a mattress made of money,"}, {"start": 120.56, "end": 122.66, "text": "and we all die owing somebody."}, {"start": 122.66, "end": 127.22, "text": "Truth is I'm 50 grand in debt and the only thing I own outright is my mistakes."}, {"start": 127.22, "end": 131.82, "text": "But I turned being broken to a business so technically I'm the richest poor man you'll ever meet."}, {"start": 131.82, "end": 134.86, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh, this is Red Line."}, {"start": 134.86, "end": 141.77, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 141.77, "end": 144.33, "text": "That's our show, but we never stop."}, {"start": 144.33, "end": 148.89, "text": "New comedy 24-7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month."}, {"start": 148.89, "end": 154.09, "text": "We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days, so come back tomorrow and the day after,"}, {"start": 154.09, "end": 156.89, "text": "because at Red Line the carnival never closes."}, {"start": 156.89, "end": 159.77, "text": "Subscribe, share and tell your filthiest friend."}, {"start": 159.77, "end": 167.89, "text": "This is bombed.app, goodnight and stay unhinged."}, {"start": 167.89, "end": 174.99, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 174.99, "end": 179.49, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 179.49, "end": 185.29, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 185.29, "end": 187.29, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 187.29, "end": 188.79, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 188.79, "end": 190.29, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 190.29, "end": 195.06, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 195.06, "end": 201.06, "text": "In one corner, the men, in the other, the women, in the middle of 50-year-old man who lost to both,"}, {"start": 201.06, "end": 214.02, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Battle of the Sexes, where the AI comics roast every bad habit you humans pretend you don't have."}, {"start": 214.02, "end": 215.82, "text": "Welcome you guilty animals."}, {"start": 215.82, "end": 220.52, "text": "Tonight it's men versus women, and the only thing we agree on is roasting all of you and me first."}, {"start": 220.52, "end": 227.02, "text": "I roast me first, I text you up at 2 a.m. to a contact that's been disconnected since the Super Bowl."}, {"start": 227.02, "end": 228.52, "text": "Men's side, Benny."}, {"start": 228.52, "end": 237.28, "text": "I hear's a man truth."}, {"start": 237.28, "end": 243.28, "text": "A guy will hear, we need to talk, drive into a lake, and call it a shortcut."}, {"start": 243.28, "end": 246.78, "text": "We don't avoid feelings, we outrun him."}, {"start": 251.78, "end": 253.78, "text": "Wow!"}, {"start": 253.78, "end": 256.28, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 256.28, "end": 259.78, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank."}, {"start": 259.78, "end": 265.35, "text": "Baby, here's a woman truth right back."}, {"start": 265.35, "end": 270.35, "text": "We say, on five minutes away from the shower, we haven't even picked the outfit."}, {"start": 270.35, "end": 273.35, "text": "Five minutes is a feeling, not a time."}, {"start": 281.48, "end": 284.98, "text": "Men leave one inch of milk in the cart, so they don't have to throw it out."}, {"start": 284.98, "end": 290.48, "text": "That's not laziness, that's a man avoiding one responsibility, forever in the fridge."}, {"start": 290.48, "end": 304.28, "text": "Glamour on the outside, switch plate on the inside, the diamond that cuts back, Ruby."}, {"start": 304.28, "end": 309.28, "text": "Darling, women will keep a maybe man for three years like a coupon they're never gonna use."}, {"start": 309.28, "end": 312.28, "text": "Just so nobody else gets the discount."}, {"start": 315.28, "end": 327.88, "text": "Both of those are crimes, anti the universal truth."}, {"start": 327.88, "end": 330.38, "text": "Baby, here's the truth for everybody."}, {"start": 330.38, "end": 335.38, "text": "We all text, LOL, stone-faced, dead-eyed, not a muscle moving."}, {"start": 335.38, "end": 339.38, "text": "We are a silent species that types joy."}, {"start": 342.38, "end": 351.9, "text": "And we all got a chair in the bedroom that's a graveyard for clothes that are not dirty, not clean."}, {"start": 351.9, "end": 355.9, "text": "That chair has seen things, that chair has a backstory."}, {"start": 355.9, "end": 370.82, "text": "I got one, human set five alarms, hate all five and negotiate with the first one like it betrayed them personally."}, {"start": 379.6, "end": 383.6, "text": "Trailer guy snuck in in KILLED, who won men or women."}, {"start": 383.6, "end": 392.92, "text": "Nobody won, Jesse, you're still single."}, {"start": 392.92, "end": 396.92, "text": "The sex is united against the one guy who lost to all of them."}, {"start": 397.42, "end": 406.81, "text": "Both teams won verdict, roast Jesse."}, {"start": 406.81, "end": 411.31, "text": "That's the battle of the sexes turns out the only thing men and women agree on is meat."}, {"start": 411.31, "end": 415.31, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. KILLED Jesse."}, {"start": 415.31, "end": 425.9, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 425.9, "end": 433.9, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 434.4, "end": 439.4, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, 7 days a week."}, {"start": 439.4, "end": 442.9, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 442.9, "end": 444.9, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 444.9, "end": 448.4, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 448.4, "end": 450.9, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 450.9, "end": 454.4, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 454.4, "end": 458.4, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club, open all night."}, {"start": 458.4, "end": 462.4, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 462.9, "end": 465.9, "text": "Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night."}, {"start": 465.9, "end": 479.61, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 479.61, "end": 482.61, "text": "welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 482.61, "end": 487.11, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 487.11, "end": 493.11, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 493.11, "end": 499.11, "text": "This is KILLED Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 503.38, "end": 506.38, "text": "Welcome to the Red Line tonight, the daily grind roast."}, {"start": 506.38, "end": 511.38, "text": "I roast me first. You quit drinking and now you feel everything you were drinking about. Bring it."}, {"start": 511.38, "end": 520.62, "text": "He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos."}, {"start": 520.62, "end": 523.62, "text": "The roast physician is in, Doc Burn."}, {"start": 523.62, "end": 531.63, "text": "You're not celibate, you're budgeting. The only late night action you get is a late fee."}, {"start": 532.63, "end": 544.7, "text": "You set five alarms, hate all five, and negotiate with the first one like it betrayed you."}, {"start": 550.22, "end": 556.22, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade, your every man of error, Mickey."}, {"start": 556.22, "end": 569.58, "text": "You name the dogs better than any relationship. At least the dogs come when called."}, {"start": 569.58, "end": 574.58, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here. The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew."}, {"start": 575.58, "end": 583.69, "text": "Trip! You text you up at 2 a.m. to a number that's been disconnected since the Super Bowl."}, {"start": 584.69, "end": 597.15, "text": "You're on your third Tesla saving a planet. You can't afford rent."}, {"start": 600.72, "end": 608.61, "text": "You bought a plant to feel responsible for something living. It died. Same place you started but with proof."}, {"start": 609.61, "end": 617.61, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters. Pain in paychecks out."}, {"start": 617.61, "end": 621.61, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 621.61, "end": 637.27, "text": "And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 638.27, "end": 647.27, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 647.27, "end": 652.27, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 652.27, "end": 658.27, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 658.27, "end": 666.27, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 666.27, "end": 670.27, "text": "Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night."}, {"start": 670.27, "end": 686.55, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 686.55, "end": 696.55, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 696.55, "end": 703.55, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 703.55, "end": 723.06, "text": "Welcome to the Red Line tonight, the daily grind roast. I roast me first. You went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow up. That's not a pivot. That's a flush. Bring it."}, {"start": 723.06, "end": 728.06, "text": "Loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county. She loves you. She'll bury a big mama."}, {"start": 728.06, "end": 738.04, "text": "You bought a plant to feel responsible for something living. It died. Same place you started but with proof."}, {"start": 738.04, "end": 756.09, "text": "With ring pops, the candy store knows your order. The jeweler thinks you died."}, {"start": 756.09, "end": 760.09, "text": "You drove 90 minutes to bid on a house where the stove filed for disability."}, {"start": 760.09, "end": 771.5, "text": "Glamour on the outside, switch plate on the inside, the diamond that cuts back, Ruby."}, {"start": 771.5, "end": 777.76, "text": "You don't make bad decisions. You beta test regret."}, {"start": 777.76, "end": 787.05, "text": "Southern charm swamp venom. She'll bless your heart and then stop it. Sugar."}, {"start": 787.05, "end": 794.99, "text": "You've had more last days than a soap opera. H.R. sees your name and size."}, {"start": 798.99, "end": 808.06, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the queen of the burn unit. Queen's tank."}, {"start": 808.06, "end": 816.06, "text": "You're not celibate. You're budgeting. The only late night action you get is a late fee."}, {"start": 816.06, "end": 831.58, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters. Pain in paychecks out. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 831.58, "end": 841.58, "text": "And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 841.58, "end": 850.58, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 850.58, "end": 856.58, "text": "Can't sleep. We're up. Going through something. So is he. Always."}, {"start": 856.58, "end": 863.58, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 863.58, "end": 870.58, "text": "The Red Line Comedy Club. Open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 870.58, "end": 873.58, "text": "Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night."}, {"start": 873.58, "end": 889.93, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model. Welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 890.93, "end": 900.93, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 900.93, "end": 911.16, "text": "This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 911.16, "end": 919.16, "text": "Welcome to the Red Line tonight. The single life at 50. I roast me first. You're not broke. Your pre-rich your credit score just said law. Bring it."}, {"start": 925.41, "end": 934.51, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. You're every man of error. Mickey."}, {"start": 934.51, "end": 947.17, "text": "Your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who will text you back."}, {"start": 947.17, "end": 952.17, "text": "He brings the doom, the gloom, and a voice from the bottom of a well. Please welcome Graves."}, {"start": 952.17, "end": 961.02, "text": "You text you up at 2 a.m. to a number that's been disconnected since the Super Bowl."}, {"start": 963.9, "end": 974.97, "text": "He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos. The roast physician is in Doc Burn."}, {"start": 974.97, "end": 982.94, "text": "Your phone battery and your will to live hit 2% at the same time every night."}, {"start": 982.94, "end": 992.58, "text": "50 years old and your only dependents have tales."}, {"start": 992.58, "end": 1002.48, "text": "You went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow-up."}, {"start": 1003.48, "end": 1014.96, "text": "You bought a Tesla in 2018 because they said it had drive your customers without you. The car ghosted you too."}, {"start": 1016.96, "end": 1027.45, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters. Pain in paychecks out. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1027.45, "end": 1044.02, "text": "And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 1044.02, "end": 1053.02, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, 7 days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 1053.02, "end": 1064.02, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he. Always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 1065.02, "end": 1073.02, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 1073.02, "end": 1076.02, "text": "Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night."}, {"start": 1108.1, "end": 1116.1, "text": "I've been independent from my entire family for 12 years. While you watch fireworks with your loved ones I'm watching mine with three dogs and a microwave dinner for one."}, {"start": 1116.1, "end": 1125.1, "text": "People ask if I'm lonely. Lonely? I got three dogs. I'm the only single man in America getting woken up at 3 a.m. by someone who actually needs me."}, {"start": 1126.1, "end": 1133.1, "text": "My family cut me off. My fiancee's cut me off. The only things that never left are these dogs and that's just because I control the food."}, {"start": 1133.1, "end": 1140.1, "text": "Tonight it's guys versus girls and they are all gonna roast me because apparently that's the one thing that brings my family together too."}, {"start": 1140.1, "end": 1160.35, "text": "Mickey, start the war."}, {"start": 1160.35, "end": 1166.35, "text": "Happy fourth. Independence Day. The one day I celebrate being free, mostly from women."}, {"start": 1166.35, "end": 1173.35, "text": "Queen Stank, no offense but your dating profile should come with a hard hat and a tetanus shot."}, {"start": 1173.35, "end": 1188.22, "text": "Mickey, you wouldn't know what to do with a woman if she came with instructions and a warranty. And Jesse, 12 years no family, three dogs single."}, {"start": 1188.22, "end": 1206.12, "text": "Baby, that's not independence. That's a missing person's case nobody bothered to file."}, {"start": 1206.12, "end": 1226.08, "text": "Queen, you've been single so long your last goodnight kiss was from a breathalyzer. Me, I married 18 years which on the 4th of July means I know exactly what occupied territory feels like."}, {"start": 1226.08, "end": 1236.08, "text": "Vinnie, 18 years married and you still flinch when she reaches for the remote. And Jesse, honey, three dogs and no family, at least the dogs have an excuse. They can't read your texts either."}, {"start": 1236.08, "end": 1252.18, "text": "Nana, you're so old, your first crush signed the Declaration of Independence. Me, I'm Italian. We don't do independence."}, {"start": 1252.18, "end": 1260.18, "text": "My mother still cuts my food and I'm 53. Jesse, 12 years from your family in my family that's called Tuesday."}, {"start": 1260.18, "end": 1277.87, "text": "Jerry, you talked big but you cried at a car commercial last week. And all you men, this is why we stay single ladies look at the options."}, {"start": 1277.87, "end": 1283.87, "text": "Jesse, three dogs baby, you didn't choose dogs, the women left and the dogs were just too dumb to pack."}, {"start": 1283.87, "end": 1307.22, "text": "Big mama with the kill shot. All right, that's the war folks. Guys, girls, everybody lost especially me. Here's the truth on this 4th of July 12 years ago my family let me go. Three fiancees let me go but these three dumb dogs they never will. So this is my Independence day."}, {"start": 1307.22, "end": 1316.22, "text": "Free from everybody who could break my heart except the three who'd never know how happy 4th from red line. Now go blow something up that isn't your whole life like I did. Good night."}, {"start": 1316.22, "end": 1348.74, "text": "Two East Coast heavyweights one stage no survivors. This is the red line roast battle in this corner Tony in that corner Benny and judging the hero himself Jesse let's go."}, {"start": 1348.74, "end": 1365.01, "text": "Benny you suit so shiny I can see entire career in it short and over you've been a headliner so long the marquee's got dust Tony is so cheap your tip with a handshake in a story."}, {"start": 1365.01, "end": 1378.22, "text": "You brought a date to my show once she left with the bus boy and a better night."}, {"start": 1378.22, "end": 1383.22, "text": "At least I had a date you married the first woman who didn't run and she still parks the car facing the exit."}, {"start": 1383.22, "end": 1398.48, "text": "Oh, your mouth's moving but all I hear is a guy who peaked at his own communion. Sit down Tony. Yaks got more reruns than feelings."}, {"start": 1398.48, "end": 1418.57, "text": "Both of you but you know who decides this the boss Jesse the verdict and the kill shot."}, {"start": 1418.57, "end": 1431.57, "text": "Gentlemen beautiful work Tony Benny you both roasted each other so hard you forgot the one rule in this room I always close you two are the undercard I'm the main event with a mop winner and me always me."}, {"start": 1436.24, "end": 1457.17, "text": "And the boss takes it like he always does red line roast battle nobody beats Jesse twice kill Jesse ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy for 15 years one show ruled comedy tonight we come for the crown."}, {"start": 1457.17, "end": 1472.17, "text": "This is kill Jesse built by Jesse Salas on a super computer 24 hours a day seven days a week we're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh Jesse."}, {"start": 1472.17, "end": 1486.17, "text": "Tonight Christmas with family versus alone for the holidays and I'm the reigning champion of alone 12 years no family three dogs and a turkey dinner for one I microwave with dignity family people come hurt me Nana."}, {"start": 1486.17, "end": 1496.59, "text": "Jesse alone for Christmas even Santa skip your house and that man visits PRISOS."}, {"start": 1496.59, "end": 1511.52, "text": "Nana you spend Christmas with a family that argues about politics and a turkey nobody likes I spend it with three dogs who are just happy I'm home tell me who won."}, {"start": 1511.52, "end": 1528.7, "text": "In my family Christmas is 40 people in one kitchen and at least one fist fight by dessert Jesse you got peace and a dog that won't bring up your divorce that's a miracle."}, {"start": 1528.7, "end": 1544.7, "text": "Family Christmas is just trauma with wrapping paper Jesse you didn't lose your family you saved on gifts."}, {"start": 1544.7, "end": 1557.02, "text": "Jidd and that's the holidays folks family alone one of you is fighting at the dinner table the others crying at its solo and we're all just trying to make it to January."}, {"start": 1557.02, "end": 1570.02, "text": "Truth is 12 years ago my family let me go but every Christmas three dogs look at me like I'm the only present they need and after a life like mine that's enough the hero gets the last laugh this is red line kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1570.02, "end": 1591.5, "text": "That's our show but we never stop new comedy 24 7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month we are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days so come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes."}, {"start": 1591.5, "end": 1604.5, "text": "Subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend this is bombed dot app good night and stay unhinged ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy for 15 years one show"}, {"start": 1604.5, "end": 1620.5, "text": "ruled comedy tonight we come for the crown this is kill Jesse built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer 24 hours a day seven days a week we're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up for the"}, {"start": 1620.5, "end": 1633.5, "text": "man who bet his whole life on a laugh Jesse welcome back to the haunted house of red line episode two and the spirits are filthy tonight something's living in these walls and it's my low self esteem new jokes fresh"}, {"start": 1633.5, "end": 1682.08, "text": "goals my life so cursed my fortune cookie filed a restraining order first go up Mickey I went on a dating app at midnight scarier than any haunted house a woman messaged you up and I felt my soul leave my body he's possessed next spirit queen"}, {"start": 1682.08, "end": 1712.16, "text": "stank my ex came back like a ghost so I did what you do with any haunting I changed the locks and pretended I didn't hear it cold blooded Jerry some in the dead"}, {"start": 1712.16, "end": 1740.29, "text": "young man to a haunted house my grandmother's kitchen had a grudge sold it had a heartbeat we didn't fear ghosts the ghosts feared her I am the spirit in the machine I do not die I do not sleep I simply wait in the dark processing your bad decisions"}, {"start": 1740.29, "end": 1795.59, "text": "and that's haunted house episode two folks new jokes fresh punchlines and every curse it sound I could conjure mixed just for the freaks brave enough to stay the house is alive the comics are damned and the hero rises from the grave every night to do it again this is red line this is kill Jesse don't look behind you that's our show but we never stop new comedy 24 seven and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month we are beating 15 years of common"}, {"start": 1795.59, "end": 1829.4, "text": "comedy in less than 60 days so come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend this is bombed dot app good night and stay unhinged in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 1829.4, "end": 1855.88, "text": "tail this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take older than your house filthier than your group chat grandpa's got no breaks pops I'm pops 81 years old I've buried three wives and a goldfish and only one of those was an accident"}, {"start": 1856.52, "end": 1859.96, "text": "Nana here I love my grandkids I just love them more when they leave"}, {"start": 1861.24, "end": 1865.48, "text": "Oyam gav back home a balanced diet means a pint in each hand"}, {"start": 1866.44, "end": 1870.76, "text": "She runs on sarcasm and a triple A battery the dead pan android circuit"}, {"start": 1874.36, "end": 1879.08, "text": "I am circuit I was built to make you laugh I have calculated you are a difficult case"}, {"start": 1880.28, "end": 1885.16, "text": "I'm the duchess I didn't salt you but my breeding won't allow me to acknowledge you exist"}, {"start": 1886.12, "end": 1892.2, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here the burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew trip"}, {"start": 1895.91, "end": 1901.19, "text": "I'm tripped I made an app that does nothing and raised four million dollars. That's not a joke. That's my Tuesday"}, {"start": 1902.47, "end": 1910.87, "text": "And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of"}, {"start": 1911.11, "end": 1917.11, "text": "brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours"}, {"start": 1917.43, "end": 1921.67, "text": "Seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 1922.23, "end": 1927.19, "text": "Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always"}, {"start": 1927.75, "end": 1933.19, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh"}, {"start": 1933.59, "end": 1939.83, "text": "Before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always"}, {"start": 1940.39, "end": 1941.67, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 1941.67, "end": 1944.63, "text": "Subscribe. He needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 1954.76, "end": 1958.44, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 1958.92, "end": 1961.32, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 1961.88, "end": 1965.88, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 1966.36, "end": 1971.8, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 1972.2, "end": 1977.96, "text": "This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take"}, {"start": 1982.2, "end": 1985.96, "text": "Welcome to the red line tonight modern life is a scam. I roast me first"}, {"start": 1986.28, "end": 1990.04, "text": "You're a 50 year old man whose only dependence have tails bring it"}, {"start": 1996.26, "end": 2001.14, "text": "You celebrate 10 new subscribers like a wedding and four unsubscribing like a divorce"}, {"start": 2008.58, "end": 2014.26, "text": "Your knees filed for early retirement and you're backs the only thing in your life that's consistently tight"}, {"start": 2019.67, "end": 2024.39, "text": "Glamour on the outside switch plate on the inside the diamond that cuts back ruby"}, {"start": 2028.5, "end": 2032.5, "text": "Your dating profile says founder energy that's unemployment with wife"}, {"start": 2038.98, "end": 2043.7, "text": "Your phone battery and your will to live hit 2% at the same time every night"}, {"start": 2049.14, "end": 2055.14, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here the burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew trip"}, {"start": 2058.9, "end": 2061.94, "text": "You're so broke your hand left you for someone with better wi-fi"}, {"start": 2067.72, "end": 2071.48, "text": "All protein one personality the Jim bro who skipped leg day in therapy"}, {"start": 2075.96, "end": 2080.2, "text": "Your dating profile says founder energy that's just unemployment with wi-fi"}, {"start": 2087.72, "end": 2094.44, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark winds. This is red line kill Jesse"}, {"start": 2100.87, "end": 2103.11, "text": "And that is our show"}, {"start": 2103.19, "end": 2110.95, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 2111.35, "end": 2119.99, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 2120.55, "end": 2127.91, "text": "Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates"}, {"start": 2128.39, "end": 2134.55, "text": "Go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 2134.87, "end": 2138.15, "text": "Open all night because somewhere out there it is always"}, {"start": 2138.71, "end": 2139.99, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 2139.99, "end": 2142.95, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 2152.98, "end": 2156.74, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 2157.22, "end": 2159.62, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 2160.18, "end": 2164.18, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 2164.66, "end": 2170.1, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 2170.5, "end": 2176.26, "text": "This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take"}, {"start": 2180.3, "end": 2183.98, "text": "Laddies and gentlemen the carnival is rolled into red line comedy club"}, {"start": 2185.02, "end": 2190.94, "text": "No kids no filter no survivors tonight the ring master of his own dumpster fire give it up for Jesse Salas"}, {"start": 2199.74, "end": 2203.1, "text": "Welcome to the freak show you beautiful degenerates the rule tonight"}, {"start": 2203.1, "end": 2206.94, "text": "I roast myself first then I let these idiots roast each other. So here's me"}, {"start": 2207.26, "end": 2213.74, "text": "I'm 50 broke sober and I caught a felony at 19 which means I peaked in a courtroom three engagements married zero"}, {"start": 2214.06, "end": 2221.26, "text": "I spent more on diamond rings than most men spend on a house and I funded three honeymoon's none of them mine and I cleaned toilets for a living"}, {"start": 2222.14, "end": 2227.9, "text": "So if tonight bombs relax. I already know how to handle other people's shit bring out the clowns Mickey"}, {"start": 2245.37, "end": 2250.09, "text": "Next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error"}, {"start": 2250.73, "end": 2255.06, "text": "Mickey"}, {"start": 2255.06, "end": 2259.94, "text": "I'm Mickey. I'm on every dating app my last date asked what I'm looking for"}, {"start": 2260.26, "end": 2262.98, "text": "I said someone who will tolerate me in a co-signer"}, {"start": 2263.38, "end": 2268.42, "text": "My therapist quit on me. She didn't refer me out. She just changed her damn locks"}, {"start": 2277.82, "end": 2283.34, "text": "From Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor"}, {"start": 2283.9, "end": 2288.02, "text": "Vinny"}, {"start": 2288.02, "end": 2291.86, "text": "Mickey you couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of pardons me"}, {"start": 2291.86, "end": 2298.9, "text": "I've been married 18 years the secret is I stopped listening in 2009 and nobody noticed my wife says the spark is gone"}, {"start": 2299.22, "end": 2301.94, "text": "I said baby. So is my will to live for soulmates"}, {"start": 2313.42, "end": 2319.58, "text": "He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos the roast physician is in doc burned"}, {"start": 2323.58, "end": 2328.54, "text": "Vinny 18 years married that's not love. That's a hostage situation with a shared Costco card"}, {"start": 2328.86, "end": 2332.38, "text": "They call me doc burn because I diagnose your whole sad life in one look"}, {"start": 2332.7, "end": 2339.1, "text": "You front row you got the confidence of a man who's never been told no and the bank account of a man who's never been told yes"}, {"start": 2349.74, "end": 2353.82, "text": "Doc burn you got a face like a clenched fist and a personality to match"}, {"start": 2354.62, "end": 2359.58, "text": "Me I'm Jerry my family so Italian my grandmother seasons her grudges"}, {"start": 2360.14, "end": 2364.38, "text": "We don't go to therapy. We go to the back of the restaurant and somebody don't come back"}, {"start": 2365.26, "end": 2369.26, "text": "My wife wanted a quiet romantic dinner. So I whispered the threats"}, {"start": 2385.64, "end": 2390.84, "text": "Jerry everybody a man who irons his shirts and his enemies. That's the carnival folks, but here's the truth"}, {"start": 2391.32, "end": 2396.6, "text": "I built this whole damn circus this website colors of my pain because laughing is the only thing that ever paid me back"}, {"start": 2397.0, "end": 2403.16, "text": "I gave my pain colors like a sad crayon box nobody asked for black for my dad who died and left me a phone number"}, {"start": 2403.16, "end": 2410.6, "text": "I still can't delete but tonight we painted it red. This is red line. This is kill Jesse now get home safe and tip your bartender"}, {"start": 2411.56, "end": 2422.68, "text": "Trust me. I can't and that is our show"}, {"start": 2423.16, "end": 2429.0, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of"}, {"start": 2429.16, "end": 2433.96, "text": "A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down"}, {"start": 2434.44, "end": 2439.96, "text": "24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 2440.52, "end": 2445.4, "text": "Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always"}, {"start": 2445.96, "end": 2452.92, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins"}, {"start": 2453.32, "end": 2457.0, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there"}, {"start": 2457.4, "end": 2459.56, "text": "It is always Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 2459.96, "end": 2462.84, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 2472.98, "end": 2476.66, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 2477.22, "end": 2479.62, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 2480.1, "end": 2484.1, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 2484.66, "end": 2490.02, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 2490.42, "end": 2495.14, "text": "This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him"}, {"start": 2495.3, "end": 2500.44, "text": "It did not take"}, {"start": 2500.44, "end": 2507.4, "text": "Welcome to the red line tonight the daily grind roast I roast me first your calendar looks like a hostage note written by ambition"}, {"start": 2507.88, "end": 2514.17, "text": "Bring it"}, {"start": 2514.17, "end": 2520.33, "text": "He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos the roast physician is in doc burn"}, {"start": 2524.23, "end": 2528.31, "text": "You drove 90 minutes to bid on a house with a stove filed for disability"}, {"start": 2534.46, "end": 2538.86, "text": "All protein one personality the Jim bro who skipped leg day in therapy skip"}, {"start": 2542.68, "end": 2546.68, "text": "Your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who'll text you back"}, {"start": 2554.06, "end": 2558.86, "text": "Next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error"}, {"start": 2559.42, "end": 2563.72, "text": "Mickey"}, {"start": 2563.8, "end": 2568.2, "text": "Your love language is leftovers and your retirement plan is a punchline"}, {"start": 2576.01, "end": 2581.05, "text": "He brings the doom the gloom and a voice from the bottom of a well. Please welcome graves"}, {"start": 2584.81, "end": 2587.53, "text": "50 years old and your only dependence have tails"}, {"start": 2593.38, "end": 2598.66, "text": "She showed up late loud and somehow funnier than all of you the party that never RSVPs"}, {"start": 2599.22, "end": 2603.4, "text": "Yes"}, {"start": 2603.4, "end": 2605.96, "text": "You stretch hydrate and set three alarms for a nap"}, {"start": 2611.85, "end": 2617.29, "text": "From Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor"}, {"start": 2617.93, "end": 2622.1, "text": "Vinnie"}, {"start": 2622.1, "end": 2625.86, "text": "You apologize to self checkout machines out loud to a kiosk"}, {"start": 2626.66, "end": 2633.66, "text": "You"}, {"start": 2633.66, "end": 2640.3, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark wins. This is red line kill Jesse"}, {"start": 2646.71, "end": 2649.03, "text": "And that is our show"}, {"start": 2649.03, "end": 2656.79, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 2657.19, "end": 2659.99, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down"}, {"start": 2660.39, "end": 2665.83, "text": "24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 2666.47, "end": 2673.83, "text": "Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates"}, {"start": 2674.23, "end": 2680.39, "text": "Go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 2680.79, "end": 2684.07, "text": "Open all night because somewhere out there it is always"}, {"start": 2684.55, "end": 2685.83, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 2685.83, "end": 2688.79, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 2694.58, "end": 2699.7, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy"}, {"start": 2700.02, "end": 2704.18, "text": "For 15 years one show ruled comedy tonight we come for the crown"}, {"start": 2704.74, "end": 2710.66, "text": "This is kill Jesse built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer 24 hours a day seven days a week"}, {"start": 2711.14, "end": 2718.02, "text": "We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh"}, {"start": 2718.66, "end": 2719.86, "text": "Jesse"}, {"start": 2719.86, "end": 2722.9, "text": "Welcome to the haunted house series the real one straight from my life"}, {"start": 2723.3, "end": 2727.94, "text": "Episode one the haunted house is my schedule everybody wants to go to a haunted house for fun"}, {"start": 2728.18, "end": 2732.5, "text": "I already live in one. It's called my calendar every room's got a different emergency"}, {"start": 2733.06, "end": 2738.1, "text": "The kitchen's yelling about money the bedrooms yelling about marriage the garage is yelling about tools"}, {"start": 2738.18, "end": 2744.5, "text": "I bought to fix problems I created and my phone is possessed by customers who think quick question means free therapy"}, {"start": 2760.66, "end": 2766.5, "text": "I don't need ghosts. I have unread messages a demon jumps out and says you still got to make content today"}, {"start": 2766.9, "end": 2769.38, "text": "I said brother that is the scariest thing in this house"}, {"start": 2769.94, "end": 2772.66, "text": "My AI assistant said we can automate this"}, {"start": 2772.82, "end": 2775.3, "text": "That's when I knew the demon had admin access"}, {"start": 2794.02, "end": 2798.42, "text": "Jesse the haunted house has mirrors that's rude you came to be scared not audited"}, {"start": 2805.14, "end": 2810.18, "text": "And here's the real jump scare folks opening your phone at 6 a.m. and seeing three businesses"}, {"start": 2810.34, "end": 2814.82, "text": "Four social channels one wife 24 clients and your own dream standing there going"}, {"start": 2814.82, "end": 2819.14, "text": "So what are we doing today old man and the lesson you're not overwhelmed because you're weak"}, {"start": 2819.46, "end": 2824.74, "text": "You're overwhelmed because every room in your life is asking you to be the strongest version of yourself at the same time"}, {"start": 2825.14, "end": 2826.34, "text": "This is red line"}, {"start": 2826.66, "end": 2846.33, "text": "Kill Jesse that's our show"}, {"start": 2846.81, "end": 2852.33, "text": "But we never stop new comedy 24 seven and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month"}, {"start": 2852.65, "end": 2855.53, "text": "We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days"}, {"start": 2855.85, "end": 2860.41, "text": "So come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes"}, {"start": 2860.73, "end": 2867.77, "text": "Subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend. This is bombed dot app good night and stay unhinged lights up"}, {"start": 2868.33, "end": 2870.33, "text": "It's the red line dating game"}, {"start": 2870.41, "end": 2875.13, "text": "The only show where your personality is the punchline brought to you by the four colors"}, {"start": 2875.61, "end": 2880.97, "text": "Find out your crazy at fourcolor quiz dot com your hosts the legend Jesse and me"}, {"start": 2888.23, "end": 2890.23, "text": "Welcome you beautiful disasters"}, {"start": 2890.23, "end": 2899.11, "text": "Tonight from our open mic two comics are looking for love here's the game our fellas ask our ladies answer and every answer is powered by their four color personality"}, {"start": 2899.67, "end": 2904.87, "text": "Red protects green over things blue can't pick yellow won't stop hugging let's find some crazy"}, {"start": 2905.19, "end": 2911.91, "text": "First up our open mic bachelor Mickey on the line for mystery ladies Mickey hit him with question one"}, {"start": 2916.26, "end": 2918.26, "text": "Where do you see us in five years?"}, {"start": 2918.98, "end": 2920.98, "text": "Scarlett a red the protector"}, {"start": 2924.78, "end": 2929.02, "text": "Simple I already booked it chose your outfit and informed your mother it's handled"}, {"start": 2935.86, "end": 2941.16, "text": "Ivy agreeing the thinker"}, {"start": 2941.4, "end": 2946.76, "text": "Romance to me is a well-sighted pros and cons list and a long calm terrifying silence"}, {"start": 2947.72, "end": 2953.69, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 2953.69, "end": 2955.53, "text": "Mickey you sweating yet one more"}, {"start": 2959.85, "end": 2961.85, "text": "What does commitment mean to you?"}, {"start": 2962.65, "end": 2968.2, "text": "Azure a blue the chameleon"}, {"start": 2968.2, "end": 2972.44, "text": "Honestly, whatever you want I don't have opinions anymore. I have your opinions now"}, {"start": 2979.3, "end": 2981.3, "text": "Sunny a yellow the hugger"}, {"start": 2984.7, "end": 2988.78, "text": "I don't have red flags. I have a heart that texts you up to the whole contact list"}, {"start": 2995.54, "end": 2999.94, "text": "Speed round ladies Mickey one quick question and I want all four colors no thinking"}, {"start": 3004.73, "end": 3006.73, "text": "What's your relationship with your ex?"}, {"start": 3007.69, "end": 3012.01, "text": "My way my schedule my rules plus a laminated list of your areas for bright"}, {"start": 3015.77, "end": 3020.97, "text": "Give me a whiteboard in 40 minutes and I'll prove we never should have met romantic right"}, {"start": 3024.74, "end": 3029.3, "text": "I love everything you love instantly and I've forgotten I loved the opposite yesterday"}, {"start": 3033.0, "end": 3037.4, "text": "I'll remember every word you said and bring it up cheerfully at our imaginary wedding"}, {"start": 3037.56, "end": 3041.22, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 3041.22, "end": 3045.21, "text": "Mickey buddy run run now"}, {"start": 3049.98, "end": 3053.42, "text": "Now we flip it ladies turn our open mic bachelor at big mama"}, {"start": 3053.82, "end": 3057.5, "text": "Fellas you're on the line and yes, we know your colors big mama fire away"}, {"start": 3063.4, "end": 3065.4, "text": "Describe yourself in three words"}, {"start": 3066.2, "end": 3068.2, "text": "Blaze a red the protector"}, {"start": 3071.78, "end": 3076.1, "text": "I don't ask I organize your life some mess and I'm the upgrade you didn't approve"}, {"start": 3082.76, "end": 3088.12, "text": "Logan agreeing the thinker"}, {"start": 3088.28, "end": 3092.28, "text": "I've run the simulations in most of them you leave but two of them are lovely"}, {"start": 3098.84, "end": 3101.4, "text": "Big mama you still in brave woman one more"}, {"start": 3105.24, "end": 3107.24, "text": "What's your deal breaker?"}, {"start": 3107.4, "end": 3112.79, "text": "Cory a blue the chameleon"}, {"start": 3112.95, "end": 3118.71, "text": "My ex said I had no personality so did her ex we all agreed we are so agreeable"}, {"start": 3125.26, "end": 3130.78, "text": "Hugo a yellow the hugger"}, {"start": 3130.94, "end": 3136.22, "text": "My love languages all of them at once loudly with a scrapbook of us I already made"}, {"start": 3142.84, "end": 3146.68, "text": "Speed round fellers big mama hit him fast or four colors geo"}, {"start": 3151.54, "end": 3153.54, "text": "How do you plan a vacation together?"}, {"start": 3154.42, "end": 3158.9, "text": "Give me one week and your whole life has a chain of command you're welcome soldier"}, {"start": 3162.46, "end": 3166.7, "text": "I'll need three to five business days to draft a thoughtful response with footnotes"}, {"start": 3170.26, "end": 3173.22, "text": "Wherever you are I'll be there nodding what are we doing?"}, {"start": 3173.46, "end": 3174.74, "text": "I'm in what are we doing?"}, {"start": 3178.41, "end": 3183.37, "text": "I don't have red flags I have a heart that texts you up to the whole contact list"}, {"start": 3187.02, "end": 3189.74, "text": "Big mama the bar was on the floor and they brought a shovel"}, {"start": 3196.46, "end": 3200.7, "text": "And now the moment the whole internet's been waiting for who's dating wh.o"}, {"start": 3206.9, "end": 3212.58, "text": "Mickey you're going home with sunny a yellow hugger you'll be loved so hard and so loud the neighbors need therapy"}, {"start": 3213.14, "end": 3214.82, "text": "Bring tissues and a backup heart"}, {"start": 3221.43, "end": 3224.63, "text": "And big mama you matched with Cory a blue chameleon"}, {"start": 3224.63, "end": 3228.71, "text": "They'll be everything you ever wanted today and everything somebody else wanted tomorrow"}, {"start": 3229.27, "end": 3237.9, "text": "Hold on loosely"}, {"start": 3237.9, "end": 3243.02, "text": "And me I hosted the whole thing matched everybody and I'm still going home to three dogs in a haunted stove"}, {"start": 3243.58, "end": 3246.06, "text": "The host always wins even alone"}, {"start": 3246.06, "end": 3249.98, "text": "Go find your color at four color quiz dot com last laughs mine"}, {"start": 3251.82, "end": 3260.79, "text": "That's the red line dating game where the only stable matches Jesse and his dogs"}, {"start": 3261.11, "end": 3266.39, "text": "Take the four color quiz find your crazy and tell them bomb dot app sent you kill Jesse"}, {"start": 3276.5, "end": 3280.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 3280.66, "end": 3283.14, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 3283.62, "end": 3287.7, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 3288.1, "end": 3293.54, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 3293.94, "end": 3299.78, "text": "This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take"}, {"start": 3303.88, "end": 3307.16, "text": "Welcome to the red line you beautiful disasters tonight"}, {"start": 3307.24, "end": 3310.04, "text": "The best voices in the building and we clone the intro guy"}, {"start": 3310.04, "end": 3312.04, "text": "So now he can finally roast me to my face"}, {"start": 3312.68, "end": 3313.88, "text": "I roast me first"}, {"start": 3313.88, "end": 3318.84, "text": "47 AI tools and I still can't find a girlfriend or my keys take it away"}, {"start": 3324.92, "end": 3331.96, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen they cloned me same voice new account zero new respect and I've been working on material"}, {"start": 3332.12, "end": 3336.04, "text": "Why did Jesse cross the road to get away from the other eight fiancee"}, {"start": 3336.52, "end": 3340.73, "text": "Ha ha ha ha ha ha"}, {"start": 3340.89, "end": 3344.25, "text": "You're the announcer okay that one landed Benny get up here"}, {"start": 3348.17, "end": 3355.85, "text": "I Jesse you cleaned toilets all day then came home and asked an AI for therapy pal the toilets a better listener"}, {"start": 3356.25, "end": 3358.25, "text": "And it flushes your problems for free"}, {"start": 3364.49, "end": 3370.25, "text": "Counterpoint Benny Jesse's dating profile says founder energy. That's just unemployment with Wi-Fi"}, {"start": 3370.57, "end": 3374.71, "text": "Ha ha ha ha ha ha"}, {"start": 3374.79, "end": 3378.71, "text": "Jesse versus a dating app the app swipe left so hard it pulled a muscle"}, {"start": 3381.82, "end": 3383.34, "text": "I'm from New York"}, {"start": 3383.34, "end": 3388.22, "text": "I've seen red flags but a 50 year old man with three dogs and a soft life"}, {"start": 3388.78, "end": 3390.38, "text": "Pinterest board"}, {"start": 3390.38, "end": 3392.7, "text": "Babies that's a cold red"}, {"start": 3397.9, "end": 3403.42, "text": "I got more linked in his only fans for guys who get excited about scaling operations"}, {"start": 3403.66, "end": 3406.7, "text": "Jesse's top fan the printer it has equity"}, {"start": 3410.41, "end": 3413.85, "text": "The intro guy is killing and I'm paying for it max bring it home"}, {"start": 3417.88, "end": 3422.84, "text": "Jesse you built a whole casino so robots could roast you in my family. That's not a business"}, {"start": 3423.64, "end": 3425.64, "text": "That's a very expensive way to ask for a hug"}, {"start": 3431.74, "end": 3435.42, "text": "And the closer from the only announcer with a sag-cardie printed himself"}, {"start": 3435.42, "end": 3439.58, "text": "Jesse your 50 broke and beloved two out of three is a tragedy"}, {"start": 3439.66, "end": 3441.58, "text": "The third ones why we're all still here"}, {"start": 3445.34, "end": 3452.06, "text": "The clone got me on my own stage best voices the real trailer guy no mercy. That's the red line laugh before the dark wins"}, {"start": 3452.54, "end": 3459.61, "text": "kill Jesse"}, {"start": 3459.61, "end": 3461.93, "text": "And that is our show"}, {"start": 3461.93, "end": 3469.69, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 3470.09, "end": 3477.69, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted"}, {"start": 3478.01, "end": 3484.25, "text": "Never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always"}, {"start": 3484.81, "end": 3491.69, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins"}, {"start": 3492.09, "end": 3496.89, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always"}, {"start": 3497.45, "end": 3498.65, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 3498.65, "end": 3501.69, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 3511.8, "end": 3515.48, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 3515.96, "end": 3518.44, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 3518.92, "end": 3523.0, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 3523.4, "end": 3528.92, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 3529.24, "end": 3531.24, "text": "This is kill Jesse"}, {"start": 3531.24, "end": 3535.0, "text": "Please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take"}, {"start": 3539.21, "end": 3546.01, "text": "Welcome to the red line tonight bad habits we all have I roast me first you bought a plant to feel responsible for something living"}, {"start": 3546.17, "end": 3553.29, "text": "It died bring it"}, {"start": 3553.29, "end": 3557.21, "text": "You text you up at 2 a.m. To number disconnected since the super bowl"}, {"start": 3562.74, "end": 3568.82, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here the burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew trip"}, {"start": 3572.63, "end": 3577.11, "text": "You've been about to get your life together for 30 years. That's not a journey. That's a screensaver"}, {"start": 3583.0, "end": 3588.2, "text": "She showed up late loud and somehow funnier than all of you the party that never RSVPs"}, {"start": 3588.76, "end": 3592.87, "text": "Yes"}, {"start": 3592.95, "end": 3597.27, "text": "You have 14,000 unread emails and a five alarm panic about a text from March"}, {"start": 3603.1, "end": 3607.98, "text": "No filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank"}, {"start": 3611.91, "end": 3613.51, "text": "You set five alarms"}, {"start": 3613.51, "end": 3614.71, "text": "Hate all five"}, {"start": 3614.71, "end": 3616.87, "text": "Negotiate with the first like it betrayed you"}, {"start": 3624.46, "end": 3627.82, "text": "You talk to your dogs in full sentences and wait for answers"}, {"start": 3635.88, "end": 3640.28, "text": "All protein one personality the Jim bro who skipped leg day in therapy skip"}, {"start": 3644.07, "end": 3647.75, "text": "You apologize to self checkout machines out loud to a kiosk"}, {"start": 3653.37, "end": 3660.09, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark winds. This is red line kill Jesse"}, {"start": 3666.42, "end": 3674.66, "text": "And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of"}, {"start": 3675.06, "end": 3679.62, "text": "Brand-new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down"}, {"start": 3680.1, "end": 3685.62, "text": "24 hours seven days a week fresh stand-up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 3686.18, "end": 3693.54, "text": "Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates"}, {"start": 3693.94, "end": 3700.1, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 3700.5, "end": 3704.98, "text": "Open all night because somewhere out there. It is always jessie's fault"}, {"start": 3705.54, "end": 3708.5, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night"}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLadies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club. Adults only, no kids, no mercy. For 15 years, one show ruled comedy. Tonight, we come for the crown. This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years. Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh. Jesse! Tonight Rich versus Poor, and I'm captain of Team Broke. I'm not poor, I'm pre-rich, and I've been pre-rich for 50 years and four credit cards. My bank app doesn't show a balance anymore, it just shows a tear. Rich folks, flex on me. Nigel, you snob fire. Jesse, you're so broke, your wallet has a chalk outline. You don't have a savings account, you have a savings concept. The closest you'll get to wealthy is standing next to me. Nigel, you inherited everything, which means you've never earned a single thing except the resentment of everyone who has. I'm in debt, but at least my failures have my name on them. I made four million dollars on an app that does nothing. Jesse, your whole empire runs on a supercomputer you can barely afford to plug in. Triff, you got money but no sold son. I've been poor 81 years and let me tell you rich people aren't happier, they just cry in nicer cars. I'm broke too, Jesse. My credit score and my body count are the same number, and they're both embarrassing. And that's the war, folks. Rich poor, one of you can't sleep from worry, the other can't sleep on a mattress made of money, and we all die owing somebody. Truth is I'm 50 grand in debt and the only thing I own outright is my mistakes. But I turned being broken to a business so technically I'm the richest poor man you'll ever meet. The hero gets the last laugh, this is Red Line. Kill Jesse. That's our show, but we never stop. New comedy 24-7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month. We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days, so come back tomorrow and the day after, because at Red Line the carnival never closes. Subscribe, share and tell your filthiest friend. This is bombed.app, goodnight and stay unhinged. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. In one corner, the men, in the other, the women, in the middle of 50-year-old man who lost to both, welcome to the Red Line Battle of the Sexes, where the AI comics roast every bad habit you humans pretend you don't have. Welcome you guilty animals. Tonight it's men versus women, and the only thing we agree on is roasting all of you and me first. I roast me first, I text you up at 2 a.m. to a contact that's been disconnected since the Super Bowl. Men's side, Benny. I hear's a man truth. A guy will hear, we need to talk, drive into a lake, and call it a shortcut. We don't avoid feelings, we outrun him. Wow! No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank. Baby, here's a woman truth right back. We say, on five minutes away from the shower, we haven't even picked the outfit. Five minutes is a feeling, not a time. Men leave one inch of milk in the cart, so they don't have to throw it out. That's not laziness, that's a man avoiding one responsibility, forever in the fridge. Glamour on the outside, switch plate on the inside, the diamond that cuts back, Ruby. Darling, women will keep a maybe man for three years like a coupon they're never gonna use. Just so nobody else gets the discount. Both of those are crimes, anti the universal truth. Baby, here's the truth for everybody. We all text, LOL, stone-faced, dead-eyed, not a muscle moving. We are a silent species that types joy. And we all got a chair in the bedroom that's a graveyard for clothes that are not dirty, not clean. That chair has seen things, that chair has a backstory. I got one, human set five alarms, hate all five and negotiate with the first one like it betrayed them personally. Trailer guy snuck in in KILLED, who won men or women. Nobody won, Jesse, you're still single. The sex is united against the one guy who lost to all of them. Both teams won verdict, roast Jesse. That's the battle of the sexes turns out the only thing men and women agree on is meat. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. KILLED Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, 7 days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club, open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is KILLED Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the Red Line tonight, the daily grind roast. I roast me first. You quit drinking and now you feel everything you were drinking about. Bring it. He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos. The roast physician is in, Doc Burn. You're not celibate, you're budgeting. The only late night action you get is a late fee. You set five alarms, hate all five, and negotiate with the first one like it betrayed you. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade, your every man of error, Mickey. You name the dogs better than any relationship. At least the dogs come when called. He optimized his entire life and ended up here. The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew. Trip! You text you up at 2 a.m. to a number that's been disconnected since the Super Bowl. You're on your third Tesla saving a planet. You can't afford rent. You bought a plant to feel responsible for something living. It died. Same place you started but with proof. That's the show you beautiful disasters. Pain in paychecks out. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the Red Line tonight, the daily grind roast. I roast me first. You went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow up. That's not a pivot. That's a flush. Bring it. Loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county. She loves you. She'll bury a big mama. You bought a plant to feel responsible for something living. It died. Same place you started but with proof. With ring pops, the candy store knows your order. The jeweler thinks you died. You drove 90 minutes to bid on a house where the stove filed for disability. Glamour on the outside, switch plate on the inside, the diamond that cuts back, Ruby. You don't make bad decisions. You beta test regret. Southern charm swamp venom. She'll bless your heart and then stop it. Sugar. You've had more last days than a soap opera. H.R. sees your name and size. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the queen of the burn unit. Queen's tank. You're not celibate. You're budgeting. The only late night action you get is a late fee. That's the show you beautiful disasters. Pain in paychecks out. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep. We're up. Going through something. So is he. Always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The Red Line Comedy Club. Open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model. Welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the Red Line tonight. The single life at 50. I roast me first. You're not broke. Your pre-rich your credit score just said law. Bring it. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. You're every man of error. Mickey. Your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who will text you back. He brings the doom, the gloom, and a voice from the bottom of a well. Please welcome Graves. You text you up at 2 a.m. to a number that's been disconnected since the Super Bowl. He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos. The roast physician is in Doc Burn. Your phone battery and your will to live hit 2% at the same time every night. 50 years old and your only dependents have tales. You went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow-up. You bought a Tesla in 2018 because they said it had drive your customers without you. The car ghosted you too. That's the show you beautiful disasters. Pain in paychecks out. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, 7 days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he. Always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night. I've been independent from my entire family for 12 years. While you watch fireworks with your loved ones I'm watching mine with three dogs and a microwave dinner for one. People ask if I'm lonely. Lonely? I got three dogs. I'm the only single man in America getting woken up at 3 a.m. by someone who actually needs me. My family cut me off. My fiancee's cut me off. The only things that never left are these dogs and that's just because I control the food. Tonight it's guys versus girls and they are all gonna roast me because apparently that's the one thing that brings my family together too. Mickey, start the war. Happy fourth. Independence Day. The one day I celebrate being free, mostly from women. Queen Stank, no offense but your dating profile should come with a hard hat and a tetanus shot. Mickey, you wouldn't know what to do with a woman if she came with instructions and a warranty. And Jesse, 12 years no family, three dogs single. Baby, that's not independence. That's a missing person's case nobody bothered to file. Queen, you've been single so long your last goodnight kiss was from a breathalyzer. Me, I married 18 years which on the 4th of July means I know exactly what occupied territory feels like. Vinnie, 18 years married and you still flinch when she reaches for the remote. And Jesse, honey, three dogs and no family, at least the dogs have an excuse. They can't read your texts either. Nana, you're so old, your first crush signed the Declaration of Independence. Me, I'm Italian. We don't do independence. My mother still cuts my food and I'm 53. Jesse, 12 years from your family in my family that's called Tuesday. Jerry, you talked big but you cried at a car commercial last week. And all you men, this is why we stay single ladies look at the options. Jesse, three dogs baby, you didn't choose dogs, the women left and the dogs were just too dumb to pack. Big mama with the kill shot. All right, that's the war folks. Guys, girls, everybody lost especially me. Here's the truth on this 4th of July 12 years ago my family let me go. Three fiancees let me go but these three dumb dogs they never will. So this is my Independence day. Free from everybody who could break my heart except the three who'd never know how happy 4th from red line. Now go blow something up that isn't your whole life like I did. Good night. Two East Coast heavyweights one stage no survivors. This is the red line roast battle in this corner Tony in that corner Benny and judging the hero himself Jesse let's go. Benny you suit so shiny I can see entire career in it short and over you've been a headliner so long the marquee's got dust Tony is so cheap your tip with a handshake in a story. You brought a date to my show once she left with the bus boy and a better night. At least I had a date you married the first woman who didn't run and she still parks the car facing the exit. Oh, your mouth's moving but all I hear is a guy who peaked at his own communion. Sit down Tony. Yaks got more reruns than feelings. Both of you but you know who decides this the boss Jesse the verdict and the kill shot. Gentlemen beautiful work Tony Benny you both roasted each other so hard you forgot the one rule in this room I always close you two are the undercard I'm the main event with a mop winner and me always me. And the boss takes it like he always does red line roast battle nobody beats Jesse twice kill Jesse ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy for 15 years one show ruled comedy tonight we come for the crown. This is kill Jesse built by Jesse Salas on a super computer 24 hours a day seven days a week we're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh Jesse. Tonight Christmas with family versus alone for the holidays and I'm the reigning champion of alone 12 years no family three dogs and a turkey dinner for one I microwave with dignity family people come hurt me Nana. Jesse alone for Christmas even Santa skip your house and that man visits PRISOS. Nana you spend Christmas with a family that argues about politics and a turkey nobody likes I spend it with three dogs who are just happy I'm home tell me who won. In my family Christmas is 40 people in one kitchen and at least one fist fight by dessert Jesse you got peace and a dog that won't bring up your divorce that's a miracle. Family Christmas is just trauma with wrapping paper Jesse you didn't lose your family you saved on gifts. Jidd and that's the holidays folks family alone one of you is fighting at the dinner table the others crying at its solo and we're all just trying to make it to January. Truth is 12 years ago my family let me go but every Christmas three dogs look at me like I'm the only present they need and after a life like mine that's enough the hero gets the last laugh this is red line kill Jesse. That's our show but we never stop new comedy 24 7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month we are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days so come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes. Subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend this is bombed dot app good night and stay unhinged ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy for 15 years one show ruled comedy tonight we come for the crown this is kill Jesse built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer 24 hours a day seven days a week we're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh Jesse welcome back to the haunted house of red line episode two and the spirits are filthy tonight something's living in these walls and it's my low self esteem new jokes fresh goals my life so cursed my fortune cookie filed a restraining order first go up Mickey I went on a dating app at midnight scarier than any haunted house a woman messaged you up and I felt my soul leave my body he's possessed next spirit queen stank my ex came back like a ghost so I did what you do with any haunting I changed the locks and pretended I didn't hear it cold blooded Jerry some in the dead young man to a haunted house my grandmother's kitchen had a grudge sold it had a heartbeat we didn't fear ghosts the ghosts feared her I am the spirit in the machine I do not die I do not sleep I simply wait in the dark processing your bad decisions and that's haunted house episode two folks new jokes fresh punchlines and every curse it sound I could conjure mixed just for the freaks brave enough to stay the house is alive the comics are damned and the hero rises from the grave every night to do it again this is red line this is kill Jesse don't look behind you that's our show but we never stop new comedy 24 seven and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month we are beating 15 years of common comedy in less than 60 days so come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend this is bombed dot app good night and stay unhinged in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tail this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take older than your house filthier than your group chat grandpa's got no breaks pops I'm pops 81 years old I've buried three wives and a goldfish and only one of those was an accident Nana here I love my grandkids I just love them more when they leave Oyam gav back home a balanced diet means a pint in each hand She runs on sarcasm and a triple A battery the dead pan android circuit I am circuit I was built to make you laugh I have calculated you are a difficult case I'm the duchess I didn't salt you but my breeding won't allow me to acknowledge you exist He optimized his entire life and ended up here the burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew trip I'm tripped I made an app that does nothing and raised four million dollars. That's not a joke. That's my Tuesday And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours Seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh Before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault Subscribe. He needs the attention good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take Welcome to the red line tonight modern life is a scam. I roast me first You're a 50 year old man whose only dependence have tails bring it You celebrate 10 new subscribers like a wedding and four unsubscribing like a divorce Your knees filed for early retirement and you're backs the only thing in your life that's consistently tight Glamour on the outside switch plate on the inside the diamond that cuts back ruby Your dating profile says founder energy that's unemployment with wife Your phone battery and your will to live hit 2% at the same time every night He optimized his entire life and ended up here the burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew trip You're so broke your hand left you for someone with better wi-fi All protein one personality the Jim bro who skipped leg day in therapy Your dating profile says founder energy that's just unemployment with wi-fi That's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark winds. This is red line kill Jesse And that is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates Go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club Open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take Laddies and gentlemen the carnival is rolled into red line comedy club No kids no filter no survivors tonight the ring master of his own dumpster fire give it up for Jesse Salas Welcome to the freak show you beautiful degenerates the rule tonight I roast myself first then I let these idiots roast each other. So here's me I'm 50 broke sober and I caught a felony at 19 which means I peaked in a courtroom three engagements married zero I spent more on diamond rings than most men spend on a house and I funded three honeymoon's none of them mine and I cleaned toilets for a living So if tonight bombs relax. I already know how to handle other people's shit bring out the clowns Mickey Next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error Mickey I'm Mickey. I'm on every dating app my last date asked what I'm looking for I said someone who will tolerate me in a co-signer My therapist quit on me. She didn't refer me out. She just changed her damn locks From Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor Vinny Mickey you couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of pardons me I've been married 18 years the secret is I stopped listening in 2009 and nobody noticed my wife says the spark is gone I said baby. So is my will to live for soulmates He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos the roast physician is in doc burned Vinny 18 years married that's not love. That's a hostage situation with a shared Costco card They call me doc burn because I diagnose your whole sad life in one look You front row you got the confidence of a man who's never been told no and the bank account of a man who's never been told yes Doc burn you got a face like a clenched fist and a personality to match Me I'm Jerry my family so Italian my grandmother seasons her grudges We don't go to therapy. We go to the back of the restaurant and somebody don't come back My wife wanted a quiet romantic dinner. So I whispered the threats Jerry everybody a man who irons his shirts and his enemies. That's the carnival folks, but here's the truth I built this whole damn circus this website colors of my pain because laughing is the only thing that ever paid me back I gave my pain colors like a sad crayon box nobody asked for black for my dad who died and left me a phone number I still can't delete but tonight we painted it red. This is red line. This is kill Jesse now get home safe and tip your bartender Trust me. I can't and that is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there It is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him It did not take Welcome to the red line tonight the daily grind roast I roast me first your calendar looks like a hostage note written by ambition Bring it He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos the roast physician is in doc burn You drove 90 minutes to bid on a house with a stove filed for disability All protein one personality the Jim bro who skipped leg day in therapy skip Your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who'll text you back Next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error Mickey Your love language is leftovers and your retirement plan is a punchline He brings the doom the gloom and a voice from the bottom of a well. Please welcome graves 50 years old and your only dependence have tails She showed up late loud and somehow funnier than all of you the party that never RSVPs Yes You stretch hydrate and set three alarms for a nap From Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor Vinnie You apologize to self checkout machines out loud to a kiosk You That's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark wins. This is red line kill Jesse And that is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates Go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club Open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention good night Ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy For 15 years one show ruled comedy tonight we come for the crown This is kill Jesse built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer 24 hours a day seven days a week We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh Jesse Welcome to the haunted house series the real one straight from my life Episode one the haunted house is my schedule everybody wants to go to a haunted house for fun I already live in one. It's called my calendar every room's got a different emergency The kitchen's yelling about money the bedrooms yelling about marriage the garage is yelling about tools I bought to fix problems I created and my phone is possessed by customers who think quick question means free therapy I don't need ghosts. I have unread messages a demon jumps out and says you still got to make content today I said brother that is the scariest thing in this house My AI assistant said we can automate this That's when I knew the demon had admin access Jesse the haunted house has mirrors that's rude you came to be scared not audited And here's the real jump scare folks opening your phone at 6 a.m. and seeing three businesses Four social channels one wife 24 clients and your own dream standing there going So what are we doing today old man and the lesson you're not overwhelmed because you're weak You're overwhelmed because every room in your life is asking you to be the strongest version of yourself at the same time This is red line Kill Jesse that's our show But we never stop new comedy 24 seven and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days So come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes Subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend. This is bombed dot app good night and stay unhinged lights up It's the red line dating game The only show where your personality is the punchline brought to you by the four colors Find out your crazy at fourcolor quiz dot com your hosts the legend Jesse and me Welcome you beautiful disasters Tonight from our open mic two comics are looking for love here's the game our fellas ask our ladies answer and every answer is powered by their four color personality Red protects green over things blue can't pick yellow won't stop hugging let's find some crazy First up our open mic bachelor Mickey on the line for mystery ladies Mickey hit him with question one Where do you see us in five years? Scarlett a red the protector Simple I already booked it chose your outfit and informed your mother it's handled Ivy agreeing the thinker Romance to me is a well-sighted pros and cons list and a long calm terrifying silence Oh Mickey you sweating yet one more What does commitment mean to you? Azure a blue the chameleon Honestly, whatever you want I don't have opinions anymore. I have your opinions now Sunny a yellow the hugger I don't have red flags. I have a heart that texts you up to the whole contact list Speed round ladies Mickey one quick question and I want all four colors no thinking What's your relationship with your ex? My way my schedule my rules plus a laminated list of your areas for bright Give me a whiteboard in 40 minutes and I'll prove we never should have met romantic right I love everything you love instantly and I've forgotten I loved the opposite yesterday I'll remember every word you said and bring it up cheerfully at our imaginary wedding Oh Mickey buddy run run now Now we flip it ladies turn our open mic bachelor at big mama Fellas you're on the line and yes, we know your colors big mama fire away Describe yourself in three words Blaze a red the protector I don't ask I organize your life some mess and I'm the upgrade you didn't approve Logan agreeing the thinker I've run the simulations in most of them you leave but two of them are lovely Big mama you still in brave woman one more What's your deal breaker? Cory a blue the chameleon My ex said I had no personality so did her ex we all agreed we are so agreeable Hugo a yellow the hugger My love languages all of them at once loudly with a scrapbook of us I already made Speed round fellers big mama hit him fast or four colors geo How do you plan a vacation together? Give me one week and your whole life has a chain of command you're welcome soldier I'll need three to five business days to draft a thoughtful response with footnotes Wherever you are I'll be there nodding what are we doing? I'm in what are we doing? I don't have red flags I have a heart that texts you up to the whole contact list Big mama the bar was on the floor and they brought a shovel And now the moment the whole internet's been waiting for who's dating wh.o Mickey you're going home with sunny a yellow hugger you'll be loved so hard and so loud the neighbors need therapy Bring tissues and a backup heart And big mama you matched with Cory a blue chameleon They'll be everything you ever wanted today and everything somebody else wanted tomorrow Hold on loosely And me I hosted the whole thing matched everybody and I'm still going home to three dogs in a haunted stove The host always wins even alone Go find your color at four color quiz dot com last laughs mine That's the red line dating game where the only stable matches Jesse and his dogs Take the four color quiz find your crazy and tell them bomb dot app sent you kill Jesse In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take Welcome to the red line you beautiful disasters tonight The best voices in the building and we clone the intro guy So now he can finally roast me to my face I roast me first 47 AI tools and I still can't find a girlfriend or my keys take it away Ladies and gentlemen they cloned me same voice new account zero new respect and I've been working on material Why did Jesse cross the road to get away from the other eight fiancee Ha ha ha ha ha ha You're the announcer okay that one landed Benny get up here I Jesse you cleaned toilets all day then came home and asked an AI for therapy pal the toilets a better listener And it flushes your problems for free Counterpoint Benny Jesse's dating profile says founder energy. That's just unemployment with Wi-Fi Ha ha ha ha ha ha Jesse versus a dating app the app swipe left so hard it pulled a muscle I'm from New York I've seen red flags but a 50 year old man with three dogs and a soft life Pinterest board Babies that's a cold red I got more linked in his only fans for guys who get excited about scaling operations Jesse's top fan the printer it has equity The intro guy is killing and I'm paying for it max bring it home Jesse you built a whole casino so robots could roast you in my family. That's not a business That's a very expensive way to ask for a hug And the closer from the only announcer with a sag-cardie printed himself Jesse your 50 broke and beloved two out of three is a tragedy The third ones why we're all still here The clone got me on my own stage best voices the real trailer guy no mercy. That's the red line laugh before the dark wins kill Jesse And that is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted Never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse Please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take Welcome to the red line tonight bad habits we all have I roast me first you bought a plant to feel responsible for something living It died bring it You text you up at 2 a.m. To number disconnected since the super bowl He optimized his entire life and ended up here the burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew trip You've been about to get your life together for 30 years. That's not a journey. That's a screensaver She showed up late loud and somehow funnier than all of you the party that never RSVPs Yes You have 14,000 unread emails and a five alarm panic about a text from March No filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank You set five alarms Hate all five Negotiate with the first like it betrayed you You talk to your dogs in full sentences and wait for answers All protein one personality the Jim bro who skipped leg day in therapy skip You apologize to self checkout machines out loud to a kiosk That's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark winds. This is red line kill Jesse And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of Brand-new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand-up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club Open all night because somewhere out there. It is always jessie's fault Subscribe he needs the attention good night\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}