{"file": "audio/vault/365_news_20260627_midday.mp3", "duration_sec": 276.1, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.04, "text": "From the only newsroom that cleans toilets between segments,"}, {"start": 3.04, "end": 5.84, "text": "this is Red Line News, Midday Edition."}, {"start": 5.84, "end": 8.16, "text": "The world explained, then roasted."}, {"start": 8.16, "end": 15.06, "text": "Here's your anchor, Jesse."}, {"start": 15.06, "end": 17.46, "text": "Good afternoon. You informed degenerates."}, {"start": 17.46, "end": 19.3, "text": "It's Saturday, June 27."}, {"start": 19.3, "end": 21.06, "text": "Here's your lunch break briefing."}, {"start": 21.06, "end": 23.54, "text": "Real news, real jokes, and we know the difference."}, {"start": 24.74, "end": 27.3, "text": "Around the world, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 27.3, "end": 30.02, "text": "Venezuela earthquakes killed 920 people"}, {"start": 30.02, "end": 32.58, "text": "as international rescue teams arrive."}, {"start": 32.58, "end": 34.18, "text": "We reported, we respected."}, {"start": 34.18, "end": 35.3, "text": "We don't joke on that."}, {"start": 38.91, "end": 41.31, "text": "Here in the States, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 41.31, "end": 46.03, "text": "US forces strike Iran in response to Terran's attack on Hormuz shipping."}, {"start": 46.03, "end": 48.51, "text": "We reported, we respected. We don't joke on that."}, {"start": 52.21, "end": 54.85, "text": "Out in California, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 54.85, "end": 56.29, "text": "Miranda's rescue."}, {"start": 56.29, "end": 61.41, "text": "Over 100 dogs found dead, many with bullet holes in them at northern California rescue"}, {"start": 61.41, "end": 64.45, "text": "investigators say. We reported, we respected."}, {"start": 64.45, "end": 65.49, "text": "We don't joke on that."}, {"start": 69.14, "end": 72.1, "text": "And right here in Sacramento, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 72.1, "end": 73.54, "text": "Sacramento report."}, {"start": 73.54, "end": 77.22, "text": "New owners of destroyed homes could face stricter building rules."}, {"start": 77.22, "end": 79.78, "text": "We reported, we respected. We don't joke on that."}, {"start": 83.42, "end": 84.78, "text": "That's the heavy stuff."}, {"start": 84.78, "end": 87.26, "text": "Now let's get to where the world gets ridiculous"}, {"start": 87.26, "end": 88.38, "text": "because it always does."}, {"start": 94.03, "end": 95.63, "text": "Around the world, Benny, you're up."}, {"start": 99.6, "end": 100.48, "text": "Breaking."}, {"start": 100.48, "end": 105.52, "text": "And I quote, billionaire Leon Black walks out of Epstein investigation hearing."}, {"start": 106.32, "end": 108.64, "text": "That's not news. That's a dare."}, {"start": 108.72, "end": 110.56, "text": "And humanity said, bet."}, {"start": 116.94, "end": 117.82, "text": "Here in the States,"}, {"start": 117.82, "end": 119.02, "text": "M-A-R-C-U-S, you're up."}, {"start": 123.01, "end": 124.13, "text": "They actually printed this."}, {"start": 124.77, "end": 128.13, "text": "Data, track county, state, and national gas prices."}, {"start": 128.37, "end": 131.09, "text": "And that's the second craziest thing I read today."}, {"start": 131.33, "end": 133.41, "text": "The first was Jesse's dating profile."}, {"start": 139.7, "end": 141.54, "text": "Out in California, Ruby, you're up."}, {"start": 145.9, "end": 146.94, "text": "Hold my drink."}, {"start": 146.94, "end": 150.54, "text": "State superintendent will no longer manage California schools"}, {"start": 150.54, "end": 152.7, "text": "underdeal news on cuts with legislature."}, {"start": 153.5, "end": 156.14, "text": "Meanwhile, Jesse's out here on his third Tesla,"}, {"start": 156.14, "end": 158.3, "text": "saving a planet he can't make rent on."}, {"start": 164.59, "end": 167.15, "text": "And right here in Sacramento, Queenstank, you're up."}, {"start": 171.36, "end": 172.88, "text": "I am not making this up."}, {"start": 172.88, "end": 178.88, "text": "Evangelines costume mansion is a must visit stop in old Sacramento opinion videos."}, {"start": 179.52, "end": 181.92, "text": "History will look back on this and go."}, {"start": 181.92, "end": 183.12, "text": "Yeah, that tracks."}, {"start": 186.08, "end": 186.88, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 189.78, "end": 192.02, "text": "Rapid fire, more from the wires, less mercy."}, {"start": 196.93, "end": 198.13, "text": "Front page today."}, {"start": 198.13, "end": 200.69, "text": "Pete Buttigieg briefly separated from children"}, {"start": 200.69, "end": 202.05, "text": "after false police report."}, {"start": 202.69, "end": 204.93, "text": "And that's why I roast myself for a living."}, {"start": 204.93, "end": 206.61, "text": "At least I always book the gig."}, {"start": 214.08, "end": 214.8, "text": "Hold my drink."}, {"start": 215.44, "end": 218.0, "text": "Extrump advisor John Bolton pleads guilty"}, {"start": 218.0, "end": 220.32, "text": "to mishandling classified documents."}, {"start": 220.32, "end": 221.44, "text": "That's not news."}, {"start": 221.44, "end": 222.48, "text": "That's a dare."}, {"start": 222.48, "end": 224.16, "text": "And humanity said, bet."}, {"start": 224.88, "end": 232.51, "text": "They actually printed this World Cup fans"}, {"start": 232.51, "end": 236.99, "text": "frustrated by confusing and expensive tipping culture in US."}, {"start": 236.99, "end": 241.07, "text": "The world is held together by tape, vibes, and people not reading the news."}, {"start": 247.74, "end": 252.38, "text": "And in local news, a Sacramento man bid $800 on a haunted stove"}, {"start": 252.38, "end": 254.78, "text": "and is still waiting to hear back, developing."}, {"start": 261.5, "end": 263.58, "text": "That's Red Line News midday edition."}, {"start": 263.58, "end": 266.46, "text": "You're informed, you're entertained and we never punch down."}, {"start": 266.54, "end": 269.34, "text": "Laff before the dark winds, this is Red Line."}, {"start": 269.34, "end": 270.54, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nFrom the only newsroom that cleans toilets between segments, this is Red Line News, Midday Edition. The world explained, then roasted. Here's your anchor, Jesse. Good afternoon. You informed degenerates. It's Saturday, June 27. Here's your lunch break briefing. Real news, real jokes, and we know the difference. Around the world, straight up, no punchline. Venezuela earthquakes killed 920 people as international rescue teams arrive. We reported, we respected. We don't joke on that. Here in the States, straight up, no punchline. US forces strike Iran in response to Terran's attack on Hormuz shipping. We reported, we respected. We don't joke on that. Out in California, straight up, no punchline. Miranda's rescue. Over 100 dogs found dead, many with bullet holes in them at northern California rescue investigators say. We reported, we respected. We don't joke on that. And right here in Sacramento, straight up, no punchline. Sacramento report. New owners of destroyed homes could face stricter building rules. We reported, we respected. We don't joke on that. That's the heavy stuff. Now let's get to where the world gets ridiculous because it always does. Around the world, Benny, you're up. Breaking. And I quote, billionaire Leon Black walks out of Epstein investigation hearing. That's not news. That's a dare. And humanity said, bet. Here in the States, M-A-R-C-U-S, you're up. They actually printed this. Data, track county, state, and national gas prices. And that's the second craziest thing I read today. The first was Jesse's dating profile. Out in California, Ruby, you're up. Hold my drink. State superintendent will no longer manage California schools underdeal news on cuts with legislature. Meanwhile, Jesse's out here on his third Tesla, saving a planet he can't make rent on. And right here in Sacramento, Queenstank, you're up. I am not making this up. Evangelines costume mansion is a must visit stop in old Sacramento opinion videos. History will look back on this and go. Yeah, that tracks. Oh! Rapid fire, more from the wires, less mercy. Front page today. Pete Buttigieg briefly separated from children after false police report. And that's why I roast myself for a living. At least I always book the gig. Hold my drink. Extrump advisor John Bolton pleads guilty to mishandling classified documents. That's not news. That's a dare. And humanity said, bet. They actually printed this World Cup fans frustrated by confusing and expensive tipping culture in US. The world is held together by tape, vibes, and people not reading the news. And in local news, a Sacramento man bid $800 on a haunted stove and is still waiting to hear back, developing. That's Red Line News midday edition. You're informed, you're entertained and we never punch down. Laff before the dark winds, this is Red Line. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}