{"file": "audio/vault/341_news_20260627_morning.mp3", "duration_sec": 267.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.34, "text": "From the only newsroom that cleans toilets between segments,"}, {"start": 3.34, "end": 5.8, "text": "this is Red Line News Morning Edition."}, {"start": 5.8, "end": 8.3, "text": "The world explained, then roasted."}, {"start": 8.3, "end": 15.4, "text": "Here's your anchor, Jesse."}, {"start": 15.4, "end": 17.6, "text": "Good morning, you informed degenerates."}, {"start": 17.6, "end": 20.94, "text": "It's Saturday, June 27th, wake up and get informed."}, {"start": 20.94, "end": 24.64, "text": "Real news, real jokes, and we know the difference."}, {"start": 24.64, "end": 26.98, "text": "Around the world, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 26.98, "end": 30.08, "text": "US strikes Iran after attack on cargo ship."}, {"start": 30.08, "end": 36.12, "text": "We reported we respected, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 36.12, "end": 38.52, "text": "Here in the states, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 38.52, "end": 41.76, "text": "Iran war strains the Gulf states, strategic relationship"}, {"start": 41.76, "end": 43.22, "text": "with the United States."}, {"start": 43.22, "end": 49.34, "text": "We reported we respected, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 49.34, "end": 51.9, "text": "Out in California, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 51.9, "end": 56.54, "text": "Maps, 5.6 magnitude earthquake shakes northern California."}, {"start": 56.54, "end": 62.56, "text": "We reported we respected, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 62.56, "end": 65.76, "text": "And right here in Sacramento, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 65.76, "end": 68.8, "text": "Where to donate supplies for Venezuela earthquake relief"}, {"start": 68.8, "end": 70.44, "text": "in the Sacramento area."}, {"start": 70.44, "end": 76.95, "text": "We reported, we respected, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 76.95, "end": 78.35, "text": "That's the heavy stuff."}, {"start": 78.35, "end": 80.79, "text": "Now let's get to where the world gets ridiculous,"}, {"start": 80.79, "end": 87.6, "text": "because it always does."}, {"start": 87.6, "end": 93.64, "text": "Around the world, Vi and Na'i you're up."}, {"start": 93.64, "end": 96.16, "text": "OK, real headline, Melonian."}, {"start": 96.16, "end": 99.48, "text": "A very public fallout that is proving very hard to fix."}, {"start": 99.48, "end": 101.76, "text": "I read that twice and got dumber both times."}, {"start": 107.54, "end": 113.47, "text": "Here in the states, Ruby, you're up."}, {"start": 113.47, "end": 114.39, "text": "Hold my drink."}, {"start": 114.39, "end": 116.99, "text": "2026 FIFA men's World Cup."}, {"start": 116.99, "end": 121.19, "text": "How United States can reach the round of 32, the athletic."}, {"start": 121.19, "end": 124.07, "text": "The world is held together by tape, vibes, and people"}, {"start": 124.07, "end": 125.15, "text": "not reading the news."}, {"start": 130.83, "end": 136.77, "text": "Out in California, pixel, you're up."}, {"start": 136.77, "end": 138.73, "text": "Hold my drink, Governor."}, {"start": 138.73, "end": 142.69, "text": "Legislative leaders announced 2026, 27 balanced budget"}, {"start": 142.69, "end": 146.65, "text": "agreement that ensures $0 deficit while funding health care"}, {"start": 146.65, "end": 148.09, "text": "and key services."}, {"start": 148.09, "end": 159.16, "text": "History will look back on this and go, yeah, that tracks."}, {"start": 159.16, "end": 165.98, "text": "And right here in Sacramento, Queen's tank, you're up."}, {"start": 165.98, "end": 167.78, "text": "OK, real headline."}, {"start": 167.78, "end": 171.82, "text": "X Games begins day one in Sacramento at Cal Expo."}, {"start": 171.82, "end": 174.82, "text": "And that's the second craziest thing I read today."}, {"start": 174.82, "end": 184.68, "text": "The first was Jesse's dating profile."}, {"start": 184.68, "end": 191.76, "text": "Rapid fire, more from the wires, less mercy."}, {"start": 191.76, "end": 193.56, "text": "They actually printed this."}, {"start": 193.56, "end": 196.44, "text": "Europe's deadly heat wave breaks German record"}, {"start": 196.44, "end": 198.36, "text": "and halts public events."}, {"start": 198.36, "end": 200.56, "text": "And they say we're the unseerious ones"}, {"start": 200.56, "end": 210.75, "text": "for running a newsroom that cleans toilets."}, {"start": 210.75, "end": 213.15, "text": "Breaking, and I quote, Dr. Congo takes"}, {"start": 213.15, "end": 216.39, "text": "Randa to international court over decades of conflict."}, {"start": 216.39, "end": 219.23, "text": "The world is held together by tape, vibes, and people"}, {"start": 219.23, "end": 227.76, "text": "not reading the news."}, {"start": 227.76, "end": 228.64, "text": "Get this."}, {"start": 228.64, "end": 231.52, "text": "Israel and Lebanon sign framework agreement"}, {"start": 231.52, "end": 233.68, "text": "after US broken talks."}, {"start": 233.68, "end": 236.84, "text": "And that's why I roast myself for a living."}, {"start": 236.84, "end": 244.08, "text": "At least I always booked the gig."}, {"start": 244.08, "end": 248.6, "text": "And in local news, a Sacramento man bid $800 on a haunted stove"}, {"start": 248.6, "end": 258.35, "text": "and is still waiting to hear back, developing."}, {"start": 258.35, "end": 260.39, "text": "That's Red Line News morning edition."}, {"start": 260.39, "end": 263.35, "text": "You're informed, you're entertained, and we never punch down."}, {"start": 263.35, "end": 264.95, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 264.95, "end": 266.23, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 266.23, "end": 267.23, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nFrom the only newsroom that cleans toilets between segments, this is Red Line News Morning Edition. The world explained, then roasted. Here's your anchor, Jesse. Good morning, you informed degenerates. It's Saturday, June 27th, wake up and get informed. Real news, real jokes, and we know the difference. Around the world, straight up, no punchline. US strikes Iran after attack on cargo ship. We reported we respected, we don't joke on that. Here in the states, straight up, no punchline. Iran war strains the Gulf states, strategic relationship with the United States. We reported we respected, we don't joke on that. Out in California, straight up, no punchline. Maps, 5.6 magnitude earthquake shakes northern California. We reported we respected, we don't joke on that. And right here in Sacramento, straight up, no punchline. Where to donate supplies for Venezuela earthquake relief in the Sacramento area. We reported, we respected, we don't joke on that. That's the heavy stuff. Now let's get to where the world gets ridiculous, because it always does. Around the world, Vi and Na'i you're up. OK, real headline, Melonian. A very public fallout that is proving very hard to fix. I read that twice and got dumber both times. Here in the states, Ruby, you're up. Hold my drink. 2026 FIFA men's World Cup. How United States can reach the round of 32, the athletic. The world is held together by tape, vibes, and people not reading the news. Out in California, pixel, you're up. Hold my drink, Governor. Legislative leaders announced 2026, 27 balanced budget agreement that ensures $0 deficit while funding health care and key services. History will look back on this and go, yeah, that tracks. And right here in Sacramento, Queen's tank, you're up. OK, real headline. X Games begins day one in Sacramento at Cal Expo. And that's the second craziest thing I read today. The first was Jesse's dating profile. Rapid fire, more from the wires, less mercy. They actually printed this. Europe's deadly heat wave breaks German record and halts public events. And they say we're the unseerious ones for running a newsroom that cleans toilets. Breaking, and I quote, Dr. Congo takes Randa to international court over decades of conflict. The world is held together by tape, vibes, and people not reading the news. Get this. Israel and Lebanon sign framework agreement after US broken talks. And that's why I roast myself for a living. At least I always booked the gig. And in local news, a Sacramento man bid $800 on a haunted stove and is still waiting to hear back, developing. That's Red Line News morning edition. You're informed, you're entertained, and we never punch down. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}