{"file": "audio/vault/33_mom_vs_no_mom.mp3", "duration_sec": 179.5, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.84, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 2.84, "end": 5.54, "text": "Adults only, no kids, no mercy."}, {"start": 5.54, "end": 8.24, "text": "For 15 years, one show ruled comedy."}, {"start": 8.24, "end": 10.24, "text": "Tonight, we come for the crown."}, {"start": 10.24, "end": 13.88, "text": "This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer"}, {"start": 13.88, "end": 16.68, "text": "24 hours a day, seven days a week."}, {"start": 16.68, "end": 20.44, "text": "We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years."}, {"start": 20.44, "end": 24.12, "text": "Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh."}, {"start": 24.12, "end": 25.36, "text": "Jesse!"}, {"start": 25.36, "end": 27.8, "text": "Tonight, mom's versus no M-O-M-S."}, {"start": 27.8, "end": 29.12, "text": "And I'm team no mom."}, {"start": 29.12, "end": 30.28, "text": "Here's the kicker, folks."}, {"start": 30.28, "end": 32.68, "text": "I didn't lose my mom to some big dramatic thing."}, {"start": 32.68, "end": 34.52, "text": "I lost her because I told her I loved her"}, {"start": 34.52, "end": 36.6, "text": "and I wanted her to take care of herself."}, {"start": 36.6, "end": 39.16, "text": "Lose a little weight, talk to somebody, get some help."}, {"start": 39.16, "end": 41.32, "text": "And for that, she fired me as a son."}, {"start": 41.32, "end": 44.28, "text": "I'm the only man alive who got to sown for giving a damn."}, {"start": 44.28, "end": 45.92, "text": "People with moms come at me."}, {"start": 45.92, "end": 52.99, "text": "Nana."}, {"start": 52.99, "end": 55.71, "text": "Jesse, you lost your mom for telling her to get healthy."}, {"start": 55.71, "end": 58.31, "text": "Boy, you said the three words no mother survives."}, {"start": 58.31, "end": 65.82, "text": "Let's get health."}, {"start": 65.82, "end": 67.82, "text": "Nana, your kids stopped calling you."}, {"start": 67.82, "end": 69.54, "text": "My mom stopped calling me."}, {"start": 69.54, "end": 71.38, "text": "And we both end up alone."}, {"start": 71.38, "end": 74.62, "text": "The difference is I'm the only one who got cut off for caring."}, {"start": 74.62, "end": 84.01, "text": "I sent a love letter and got a restraining order in spirit."}, {"start": 84.01, "end": 86.33, "text": "Jesse, baby, you told a woman to lose weight"}, {"start": 86.33, "end": 89.01, "text": "and see a therapist in the same conversation."}, {"start": 89.01, "end": 90.25, "text": "You didn't lose a mom."}, {"start": 90.25, "end": 91.65, "text": "You committed a crime."}, {"start": 91.65, "end": 103.42, "text": "No man comes back from that."}, {"start": 103.42, "end": 106.14, "text": "In my family, you don't tell mom or nothing."}, {"start": 106.14, "end": 108.58, "text": "You eat what she makes and you keep your opinions"}, {"start": 108.58, "end": 114.71, "text": "in a jar in the basement, like a normal person."}, {"start": 114.71, "end": 116.67, "text": "Jesse, you tried to fix your mom's health"}, {"start": 116.67, "end": 118.51, "text": "and your whole family fired you."}, {"start": 118.51, "end": 120.47, "text": "That's like getting kicked out of the hospital"}, {"start": 120.47, "end": 126.89, "text": "for knowing first aid."}, {"start": 126.89, "end": 128.17, "text": "And here's the truth, folks."}, {"start": 128.17, "end": 130.37, "text": "I lost my mom because I wanted her here."}, {"start": 130.37, "end": 131.65, "text": "Longer, healthier, happier."}, {"start": 131.65, "end": 133.17, "text": "And she'd rather be mad than be health."}, {"start": 133.17, "end": 134.77, "text": "That's the part nobody tells you."}, {"start": 134.77, "end": 136.85, "text": "Sometimes you love people who'd rather keep the pain"}, {"start": 136.85, "end": 138.57, "text": "than let you in, but I learned something."}, {"start": 138.57, "end": 140.77, "text": "You can't save somebody who's comfortable drowning."}, {"start": 140.77, "end": 141.45, "text": "So I let go."}, {"start": 141.45, "end": 143.45, "text": "I got myself healthy and I built a family out"}, {"start": 143.45, "end": 145.37, "text": "of three dogs in a microphone."}, {"start": 145.37, "end": 148.25, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh even when it's the saddest joke"}, {"start": 148.25, "end": 149.05, "text": "he's got."}, {"start": 149.05, "end": 151.01, "text": "This is red line."}, {"start": 151.01, "end": 157.92, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 157.92, "end": 159.2, "text": "That's our show."}, {"start": 159.2, "end": 160.48, "text": "But we never stop."}, {"start": 160.48, "end": 164.08, "text": "New comedy 24-7 and a two-hour Kill Jesse Special four"}, {"start": 164.08, "end": 165.04, "text": "times a month."}, {"start": 165.04, "end": 168.24, "text": "We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days."}, {"start": 168.24, "end": 170.24, "text": "So come back tomorrow and the day after."}, {"start": 170.24, "end": 173.04, "text": "Because at Red Line, the carnival never closes."}, {"start": 173.04, "end": 175.92, "text": "Subscribe, share, and tell your filthyest friend."}, {"start": 175.92, "end": 177.64, "text": "This is bombed.app."}, {"start": 177.64, "end": 179.76, "text": "Good night and stay unhinged."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLadies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club. Adults only, no kids, no mercy. For 15 years, one show ruled comedy. Tonight, we come for the crown. This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years. Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh. Jesse! Tonight, mom's versus no M-O-M-S. And I'm team no mom. Here's the kicker, folks. I didn't lose my mom to some big dramatic thing. I lost her because I told her I loved her and I wanted her to take care of herself. Lose a little weight, talk to somebody, get some help. And for that, she fired me as a son. I'm the only man alive who got to sown for giving a damn. People with moms come at me. Nana. Jesse, you lost your mom for telling her to get healthy. Boy, you said the three words no mother survives. Let's get health. Nana, your kids stopped calling you. My mom stopped calling me. And we both end up alone. The difference is I'm the only one who got cut off for caring. I sent a love letter and got a restraining order in spirit. Jesse, baby, you told a woman to lose weight and see a therapist in the same conversation. You didn't lose a mom. You committed a crime. No man comes back from that. In my family, you don't tell mom or nothing. You eat what she makes and you keep your opinions in a jar in the basement, like a normal person. Jesse, you tried to fix your mom's health and your whole family fired you. That's like getting kicked out of the hospital for knowing first aid. And here's the truth, folks. I lost my mom because I wanted her here. Longer, healthier, happier. And she'd rather be mad than be health. That's the part nobody tells you. Sometimes you love people who'd rather keep the pain than let you in, but I learned something. You can't save somebody who's comfortable drowning. So I let go. I got myself healthy and I built a family out of three dogs in a microphone. The hero gets the last laugh even when it's the saddest joke he's got. This is red line. Kill Jesse. That's our show. But we never stop. New comedy 24-7 and a two-hour Kill Jesse Special four times a month. We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days. So come back tomorrow and the day after. Because at Red Line, the carnival never closes. Subscribe, share, and tell your filthyest friend. This is bombed.app. Good night and stay unhinged.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}