{"file": "audio/vault/339_marathon_202606270645.mp3", "duration_sec": 3616.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.04, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software,"}, {"start": 19.04, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale,"}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "this is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.24, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.24, "end": 34.02, "text": "In a world with two jessies,"}, {"start": 34.02, "end": 35.72, "text": "one who settled down,"}, {"start": 35.82, "end": 37.62, "text": "married, two kids,"}, {"start": 37.62, "end": 39.12, "text": "a state pension,"}, {"start": 39.12, "end": 40.42, "text": "a minivan,"}, {"start": 40.42, "end": 42.82, "text": "and a soul on airplane mode."}, {"start": 42.82, "end": 45.72, "text": "And one who blew it all up."}, {"start": 45.72, "end": 54.46, "text": "Colors of my pain, the road not taken."}, {"start": 54.46, "end": 56.16, "text": "Welcome you what if animals?"}, {"start": 56.16, "end": 59.16, "text": "Tonight the comics roast both lives the safe one I could have had"}, {"start": 59.16, "end": 62.36, "text": "and the gloriously FUCKED one I actually built."}, {"start": 62.36, "end": 63.46, "text": "I roast me first."}, {"start": 63.46, "end": 66.56, "text": "Somewhere out there is a Jesse with a pension and a lawn,"}, {"start": 66.56, "end": 69.26, "text": "and he's dead inside and I'm just dead broke."}, {"start": 69.26, "end": 75.15, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 75.15, "end": 76.95, "text": "I Jesse settled down."}, {"start": 76.95, "end": 79.55, "text": "You had a 401k, a wife,"}, {"start": 79.55, "end": 82.55, "text": "and a kid soccer game every Saturday."}, {"start": 82.55, "end": 85.25, "text": "This you has three dogs, a mop,"}, {"start": 85.25, "end": 88.35, "text": "and a restraining order from a self checkout."}, {"start": 88.35, "end": 89.75, "text": "Same misery."}, {"start": 89.75, "end": 92.25, "text": "It was just has better stories."}, {"start": 92.25, "end": 104.44, "text": "Baby married with kids Jesse would be sitting in a park minivan"}, {"start": 104.44, "end": 106.84, "text": "at 9 p.m. eating a sandwich in the dark"}, {"start": 106.84, "end": 108.74, "text": "just to get five minutes alone."}, {"start": 108.74, "end": 111.54, "text": "Honey, at least your loneliness has a stage."}, {"start": 118.52, "end": 122.22, "text": "Structurally, both timelines fail the same exam."}, {"start": 122.22, "end": 126.72, "text": "The state job Jesse dies at a desk with a gold watch and a secret."}, {"start": 126.72, "end": 130.32, "text": "This Jesse dies at a mic with a credit card decline."}, {"start": 130.32, "end": 140.74, "text": "One's quieter neither's a win."}, {"start": 140.74, "end": 143.24, "text": "You want to know the road not taken Jesse?"}, {"start": 143.24, "end": 144.34, "text": "It's paved."}, {"start": 144.34, "end": 145.54, "text": "It's safe."}, {"start": 145.54, "end": 149.14, "text": "And it goes straight into a cul-de-sac of quiet desperation."}, {"start": 149.64, "end": 151.94, "text": "Oh, you didn't miss the exit."}, {"start": 151.94, "end": 155.64, "text": "You set the off ramp on fire and called it comedy."}, {"start": 167.2, "end": 175.16, "text": "He screamed my therapy bill, Marcus."}, {"start": 175.16, "end": 176.56, "text": "Here's the math Jesse."}, {"start": 176.56, "end": 179.16, "text": "Pension you has security and no pulse."}, {"start": 179.16, "end": 181.76, "text": "Broke you has a pulse and no savings."}, {"start": 181.76, "end": 184.16, "text": "You traded the retirement plan for the punchline."}, {"start": 184.16, "end": 187.16, "text": "Worst financial decision, best comedy decision."}, {"start": 194.14, "end": 196.24, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 196.34, "end": 202.94, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank."}, {"start": 202.94, "end": 206.84, "text": "Baby settled down Jesse and chaos Jesse meet in a bar."}, {"start": 206.84, "end": 210.64, "text": "And within five minutes, they're both crying about the same woman."}, {"start": 210.64, "end": 212.84, "text": "Different lives, same X."}, {"start": 212.84, "end": 214.34, "text": "That's not a fork in the road."}, {"start": 214.34, "end": 215.84, "text": "That's a circle."}, {"start": 223.0, "end": 223.9, "text": "I got one."}, {"start": 223.9, "end": 226.2, "text": "The road not taken had a white picket fence."}, {"start": 226.2, "end": 228.9, "text": "The road Jesse took had a yellow caution tape."}, {"start": 228.9, "end": 236.71, "text": "Both fenced him in."}, {"start": 236.71, "end": 238.61, "text": "That's the truth you beautiful wreckage."}, {"start": 238.61, "end": 240.51, "text": "Maybe married with kids was safer."}, {"start": 240.51, "end": 242.41, "text": "Maybe the state job was smarter."}, {"start": 242.41, "end": 245.91, "text": "But the boring Jesse never got to stand here and make a room full of degenerates"}, {"start": 245.91, "end": 247.71, "text": "laugh at the colors of his pain."}, {"start": 247.71, "end": 249.41, "text": "I picked the loud life."}, {"start": 249.41, "end": 251.81, "text": "No refunds laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 251.81, "end": 253.21, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 253.21, "end": 262.39, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 262.39, "end": 264.69, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 264.69, "end": 270.69, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day"}, {"start": 270.69, "end": 272.89, "text": "of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 272.89, "end": 277.19, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours,"}, {"start": 277.19, "end": 278.49, "text": "seven days a week."}, {"start": 278.49, "end": 281.99, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 281.99, "end": 283.99, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 283.99, "end": 287.49, "text": "Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 287.49, "end": 289.79, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 289.79, "end": 293.39, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 293.39, "end": 297.39, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club open all night"}, {"start": 297.39, "end": 301.39, "text": "because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 301.49, "end": 302.49, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 302.49, "end": 303.99, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 303.99, "end": 310.28, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 310.28, "end": 312.98, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 312.98, "end": 313.88, "text": "Adults only."}, {"start": 313.88, "end": 315.68, "text": "No kids, no mercy."}, {"start": 315.68, "end": 318.38, "text": "For 15 years, one show ruled comedy."}, {"start": 318.38, "end": 320.38, "text": "Tonight we come for the crown."}, {"start": 320.38, "end": 325.38, "text": "This is Kill Jesse built by Jesse Salis on a super computer 24 hours a day,"}, {"start": 325.38, "end": 326.78, "text": "seven days a week."}, {"start": 326.78, "end": 330.58, "text": "We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years."}, {"start": 330.58, "end": 334.28, "text": "Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh."}, {"start": 334.28, "end": 335.48, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 335.48, "end": 339.38, "text": "Tonight the eternal rivalry, DOGS versus CATS."}, {"start": 339.38, "end": 341.98, "text": "I got three dogs so you know where I stand."}, {"start": 341.98, "end": 346.58, "text": "My dogs love me unconditionally mostly because they can't read my bank statement."}, {"start": 346.58, "end": 348.28, "text": "Cat people come scratch."}, {"start": 348.28, "end": 354.76, "text": "Queen, stank you're a cat lady defend yourself."}, {"start": 354.76, "end": 356.46, "text": "Jesse, three dogs."}, {"start": 356.46, "end": 357.66, "text": "That's not love."}, {"start": 357.66, "end": 360.46, "text": "That's three witnesses who can't testify."}, {"start": 360.46, "end": 362.16, "text": "Cats are independent."}, {"start": 362.16, "end": 375.46, "text": "Dogs are just meaty roommates who lick themselves and call itself care."}, {"start": 375.46, "end": 377.06, "text": "Queen, a cat doesn't love you."}, {"start": 377.06, "end": 379.86, "text": "It tolerates you until they can open her dies."}, {"start": 379.86, "end": 380.86, "text": "You don't have a pet."}, {"start": 380.86, "end": 389.0, "text": "You have a tiny landlord who hates you."}, {"start": 389.0, "end": 390.4, "text": "I'm team dog."}, {"start": 390.4, "end": 393.2, "text": "A dog greets you like you came back from war."}, {"start": 393.2, "end": 399.26, "text": "A cat greets you like you owe it money."}, {"start": 399.26, "end": 400.56, "text": "Mickey, dogs are dumb."}, {"start": 400.56, "end": 401.36, "text": "You throw a ball."}, {"start": 401.36, "end": 402.16, "text": "They bring it back."}, {"start": 402.16, "end": 403.16, "text": "That's not loyalty."}, {"start": 403.16, "end": 405.56, "text": "That's a learning disability with a tail."}, {"start": 405.56, "end": 415.32, "text": "My cat ignores me, which is the most honest relationship I've got."}, {"start": 415.32, "end": 419.02, "text": "In my neighborhood, we had one cat and it ran more rackets than I did."}, {"start": 419.02, "end": 419.92, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 419.92, "end": 422.72, "text": "You get three dogs are the only family that never left."}, {"start": 422.72, "end": 424.72, "text": "So really you didn't pick dogs."}, {"start": 424.72, "end": 436.78, "text": "The dogs were just too loyal to no better."}, {"start": 436.78, "end": 438.58, "text": "And that's the rivalry folks."}, {"start": 438.58, "end": 440.58, "text": "Dogs, cats, one loves you too much."}, {"start": 440.58, "end": 444.18, "text": "The other not enough, which is just my entire dating history with fur."}, {"start": 444.18, "end": 447.58, "text": "Truth is my three dogs are the longest relationship I've ever had"}, {"start": 447.58, "end": 449.78, "text": "and not one of them has asked for a ring."}, {"start": 449.78, "end": 451.58, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh."}, {"start": 451.58, "end": 452.88, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 452.88, "end": 459.82, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 459.82, "end": 461.12, "text": "That's our show."}, {"start": 461.12, "end": 462.42, "text": "But we never stop."}, {"start": 462.42, "end": 467.02, "text": "New comedy 24-7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month."}, {"start": 467.02, "end": 470.22, "text": "We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days."}, {"start": 470.22, "end": 473.42, "text": "So come back tomorrow and the day after because at Red Line,"}, {"start": 473.42, "end": 475.02, "text": "the carnival never closes."}, {"start": 475.02, "end": 477.92, "text": "Subscribe, share, and tell your filthiest friend."}, {"start": 477.92, "end": 479.62, "text": "This is bombed.app."}, {"start": 479.62, "end": 484.92, "text": "Good night and stay unhinged in a world where every dating app has seen this man's face"}, {"start": 484.92, "end": 486.62, "text": "and swipe the other way."}, {"start": 486.62, "end": 489.02, "text": "This summer, one heart refuses to quit."}, {"start": 489.02, "end": 491.22, "text": "Mostly because nobody else will take it."}, {"start": 493.02, "end": 495.52, "text": "He proposed nine times with a ring pop."}, {"start": 495.52, "end": 497.02, "text": "The candy store knows his order."}, {"start": 497.02, "end": 501.02, "text": "The jeweler thinks he's dead and somewhere nine women are telling that story at brunch."}, {"start": 509.65, "end": 511.45, "text": "His love language is leftovers."}, {"start": 511.45, "end": 516.05, "text": "His four play is a Wi-Fi password and his idea of a threesome is him,"}, {"start": 516.05, "end": 519.45, "text": "the dog, and the glow of an open refrigerator at 2 a.m."}, {"start": 525.92, "end": 528.32, "text": "Critics call it a masterclass in rejection."}, {"start": 528.32, "end": 530.12, "text": "His own mother left him on red."}, {"start": 533.44, "end": 538.94, "text": "The last single man rated R for rebooked swipe left on theaters everywhere."}, {"start": 538.94, "end": 551.28, "text": "This has been trailer guy, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 551.28, "end": 555.48, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 555.48, "end": 559.28, "text": "welcome to the Red Line comedy club tonight."}, {"start": 559.28, "end": 563.78, "text": "The only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup"}, {"start": 563.78, "end": 568.78, "text": "of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 568.88, "end": 570.88, "text": "This is kill Jesse."}, {"start": 570.88, "end": 572.38, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 572.38, "end": 573.88, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 573.88, "end": 578.57, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 578.57, "end": 580.57, "text": "Welcome to the red line tonight."}, {"start": 580.57, "end": 583.07, "text": "The daily grind roast I roast me first."}, {"start": 583.07, "end": 592.64, "text": "You're so broke your hand left you for someone with better Wi-Fi bring it."}, {"start": 592.64, "end": 596.64, "text": "Your dating profile says founder energy."}, {"start": 596.64, "end": 599.64, "text": "That's just unemployment with Wi-Fi."}, {"start": 605.82, "end": 615.42, "text": "You apologize to a self check out machine this morning out loud to a kiosk."}, {"start": 615.42, "end": 619.62, "text": "I Jesse you name the dogs better than you named any relationship."}, {"start": 619.62, "end": 623.02, "text": "At least the dogs come when called forget about it."}, {"start": 628.22, "end": 632.22, "text": "You built a comedy club run by robots to avoid one phone call to a human."}, {"start": 640.04, "end": 642.54, "text": "Loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county."}, {"start": 642.54, "end": 643.24, "text": "She loves you."}, {"start": 643.24, "end": 648.58, "text": "She'll bury a big mama."}, {"start": 648.58, "end": 651.58, "text": "You bought a plant to feel responsible for something living."}, {"start": 651.58, "end": 656.98, "text": "It died same place you started but with proof."}, {"start": 656.98, "end": 667.6, "text": "Southern charm swamp venom she'll bless your heart and then stop it sugar."}, {"start": 667.6, "end": 669.8, "text": "You asked an AI for therapy."}, {"start": 669.8, "end": 680.16, "text": "That things the only relationship where you can't get dumped only hit your monthly limit."}, {"start": 680.16, "end": 683.36, "text": "From Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time."}, {"start": 683.36, "end": 686.16, "text": "The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor."}, {"start": 686.16, "end": 690.4, "text": "Vinnie."}, {"start": 690.4, "end": 700.74, "text": "You set five alarms hate all five and negotiate with the first one like it betrayed you."}, {"start": 700.74, "end": 706.34, "text": "I'm just the announcer but your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who'll text you back."}, {"start": 706.34, "end": 712.66, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters."}, {"start": 712.66, "end": 714.06, "text": "Pain in paychecks out."}, {"start": 714.06, "end": 715.46, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 715.46, "end": 717.46, "text": "This is red line kill Jesse."}, {"start": 723.67, "end": 732.07, "text": "And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 732.07, "end": 738.47, "text": "A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours."}, {"start": 738.47, "end": 743.27, "text": "Seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated."}, {"start": 743.27, "end": 748.87, "text": "Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 748.87, "end": 754.67, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 754.67, "end": 760.27, "text": "Before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there."}, {"start": 760.27, "end": 775.78, "text": "It is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night."}, {"start": 775.78, "end": 783.58, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight."}, {"start": 783.58, "end": 793.18, "text": "The only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 793.18, "end": 803.05, "text": "This is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take."}, {"start": 803.05, "end": 812.65, "text": "Welcome to the red line tonight roast Jesse's choices I roast me first you stand in the kitchen at two and making eye contact with the fridge like you're in love bring it."}, {"start": 812.65, "end": 823.56, "text": "Glamour on the outside switch plate on the inside the diamond that cuts back Ruby."}, {"start": 823.56, "end": 834.22, "text": "You asked an AI for therapy that things the only relationship where you can't get dumped only hit your monthly limit."}, {"start": 834.22, "end": 842.63, "text": "Your credit score called and just said law."}, {"start": 842.63, "end": 862.22, "text": "I Jesse you built the comedy club run by robots to avoid one phone call to a human forget about it."}, {"start": 862.22, "end": 871.96, "text": "Next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error Mickey."}, {"start": 871.96, "end": 884.96, "text": "50 years old and your only dependence have tails no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen."}, {"start": 884.96, "end": 895.03, "text": "You're a family job is just the kind that doesn't pay you and once you on weekends."}, {"start": 895.03, "end": 909.16, "text": "You bought a Tesla in 2018 cause they said it had drive your customers without you the car ghosted you too."}, {"start": 909.16, "end": 919.48, "text": "Your dating profile says founder energy that's unemployment with Wi-Fi."}, {"start": 920.48, "end": 928.75, "text": "I'm just the announcer but you roast yourself for a living because it's the only gig that always books you."}, {"start": 928.75, "end": 939.99, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters pain and paychecks out laugh before the dark wins this is red line kill Jesse."}, {"start": 939.99, "end": 956.62, "text": "And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 956.62, "end": 970.62, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 970.62, "end": 984.62, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 985.62, "end": 1026.1, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take welcome to the red line."}, {"start": 1026.1, "end": 1034.1, "text": "Welcome to the red line tonight roast Jesse's choices I roast me first you child proof nothing you proved against your whole bloodline bring it."}, {"start": 1034.1, "end": 1066.5, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here the burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew trip you've had more last days than a soap opera HR sees your name in size older than your house filter than your group chat grandpa's got no breaks pops."}, {"start": 1066.5, "end": 1084.89, "text": "You're dating profile says founder energy that's unemployment with wi-fi your love language is leftovers and your retirement plan is a punchline."}, {"start": 1089.89, "end": 1101.83, "text": "Southern charm swamp venom she'll bless your heart and then stop it sugar you bought a plant to feel responsible for something living it died."}, {"start": 1101.83, "end": 1118.68, "text": "Raised by wi-fi and rage quits the chaos gremlin himself pixel you name the dogs better than any relationship at least the dogs come when called."}, {"start": 1121.79, "end": 1139.83, "text": "She showed up late loud and somehow funnier than all of you the party that never RSVPs yes you watch a man pressure wash a driveway for four hours and call itself care."}, {"start": 1139.83, "end": 1179.84, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up."}, {"start": 1180.84, "end": 1214.77, "text": "Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bomb dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy for 15 years one show ruled comedy"}, {"start": 1215.77, "end": 1244.77, "text": "tonight we come for the crown this is kill Jesse built by Jesse Salas on a super computer 24 hours a day seven days a week we're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh Jesse tonight Christmas with family versus alone for the holidays and I'm the raining champion of alone 12 years no family three dogs and a turkey dinner for one I microwave with dignity family people come hurt me Nana"}, {"start": 1245.77, "end": 1277.52, "text": "Jesse alone for Christmas even Santa skips your house and that man visits PRISOS Nana you spend Christmas with a family that argues about politics and a turkey nobody likes I spend it with three dogs who are just happy I'm home tell me who won in my family"}, {"start": 1277.52, "end": 1303.84, "text": "Christmas is 40 people in one kitchen and at least one fist fight by dessert Jesse you got peace and a dog that won't bring up your divorce that's a miracle family Christmas is just trauma with wrapping paper Jesse you didn't lose your family you saved on gifts"}, {"start": 1303.84, "end": 1341.64, "text": "and that's the holidays folks family alone one of you is fighting at the dinner table the others crying at its solo and we're all just trying to make it to January truth is 12 years ago my family let me go but every Christmas three dogs look at me like I'm the only present they need and after a life like mine that's enough the hero gets the last laugh this is red line kill Jesse that's our show but we never stop new comedy 24 7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month"}, {"start": 1341.64, "end": 1363.64, "text": "we are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days so come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend this is bombed dot app good night and stay unhinged classes in session 18 and up a lesson in the fine art of profanity from the thinking man's filth Jesse takes the mic"}, {"start": 1363.64, "end": 1384.17, "text": "people say cuss words are lazy wrong a cuss word is a scalpel that's unfortunate tells me nothing that's a faster iscaster iscaster iscad now I know exactly where we stand and how fast we're running"}, {"start": 1384.17, "end": 1402.9, "text": "profanity is hot sauce you don't dump the whole bottle on everything that's a psychopath you put it where the flavor needs to scream a well placed s asterisk is seasoning a constant one is just sad noise"}, {"start": 1402.9, "end": 1421.51, "text": "they tell kids those are bad words they're not bad they're just words that grew up poor and got blamed for everything damn never robbed anybody damn just told the truth too loud at a funeral"}, {"start": 1421.51, "end": 1440.78, "text": "the same people clutching pearls over a curse word will look you dead in the eye and say we're letting you go letting me go I wasn't a hostage you fired me at least a cuss word has the decency to be honest"}, {"start": 1440.78, "end": 1462.67, "text": "that's the scam the powerful don't curse they euphemize a poor man gets fired a rich man gets a leadership transition same kick in the teeth better vocabulary"}, {"start": 1462.67, "end": 1484.26, "text": "we used to say broke then low income then under banked we added syllables until the shame fit in a spreadsheet I'm not under banked I'm f asterisk iscasterisk in broke and the honesty is the only thing I own outright"}, {"start": 1484.26, "end": 1511.18, "text": "passed away no longer with us in a better place brother he died say it the softer the word the more they're hoping you won't notice what actually happened my favorite is thoughts and prayers that's the verbal equivalent of leaving a posted on a house fire do something or shut up those two words have never put out a single damn thing"}, {"start": 1511.18, "end": 1528.1, "text": "corporate language is the dirtiest language there is and it never uses one curse words we're optimizing synergizing right sizing sir that's just firing with a thosaurus and a yoga mat"}, {"start": 1528.1, "end": 1545.28, "text": "you want a real dirty word convenience fee that's filth that's obscene you can say f on my show all night but say convenience fee and I'll throw you out for indecency"}, {"start": 1545.28, "end": 1561.36, "text": "a cuss word at the right moment is prayer for people the church gave up on you stub your toe and yell that's not vulgar that's the body being honest faster than the brain can lie"}, {"start": 1561.36, "end": 1578.31, "text": "the seven words you can't say on TV they let murder on at 8 p.m. but heaven forbid somebody says a word that describes what two consenting adults did to make the person getting murdered"}, {"start": 1578.31, "end": 1582.31, "text": "our priorities are upside down and squeaky clean"}, {"start": 1582.31, "end": 1608.18, "text": "here's the lesson it's not the word it's the intention I love you can be a weapon a cuss word can be a hug languages just sound until a human decides to mean something so mean it and aim it well"}, {"start": 1608.18, "end": 1619.18, "text": "so cuss with purpose cuss like a chef not a fire hose and the next time somebody tells you a word is bad ask him who taught him to fear a sound while ignoring the lie standing right next to it"}, {"start": 1619.18, "end": 1650.58, "text": "that's the red line class dismissed you filthy geniuses a doctorate in dirty tip your professor kill Jesse in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth"}, {"start": 1650.58, "end": 1658.58, "text": "where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 1658.58, "end": 1682.55, "text": "this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take welcome to the red line tonight roast Jesse's choices I roast me first you auditioned women for forever and ghosted at the call back bring it"}, {"start": 1682.55, "end": 1694.82, "text": "glamour on the outside switch plate on the inside the diamond that cuts back ruby you child proof nothing you proved against your whole bloodline"}, {"start": 1694.82, "end": 1707.32, "text": "your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who will text you back"}, {"start": 1707.32, "end": 1728.22, "text": "I just see you set five alarms hate all five negotiate with the first like a betrayed you forget about it next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error"}, {"start": 1728.22, "end": 1745.9, "text": "Mickey you're a 50 year old man whose only dependence have tails no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit"}, {"start": 1745.9, "end": 1755.94, "text": "Queen's tank your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who will text you back"}, {"start": 1755.94, "end": 1768.83, "text": "your knees filed for early retirement and your backs the only thing in your life that's consistently tight"}, {"start": 1768.83, "end": 1778.77, "text": "you went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow up"}, {"start": 1778.77, "end": 1794.43, "text": "I'm just the announcer but your love language is leftovers and your retirement plan is a punchline"}, {"start": 1794.43, "end": 1801.43, "text": "that's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse"}, {"start": 1801.43, "end": 1818.06, "text": "and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day a brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 1818.06, "end": 1832.06, "text": "and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always"}, {"start": 1832.06, "end": 1842.06, "text": "so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night"}, {"start": 1842.06, "end": 1856.74, "text": "because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night it's our two of kill Jesse"}, {"start": 1856.74, "end": 1864.74, "text": "same broke legend fresh executioners 18 and up no mercy no medical your host and victim back for more Jesse"}, {"start": 1864.74, "end": 1878.14, "text": "welcome back to our two of kill Jesse the only roast where the man bleeding out is also signing the checks that bounce"}, {"start": 1878.14, "end": 1883.14, "text": "first up the doctor who pronounced my bank account dead on arrival doc burn"}, {"start": 1883.14, "end": 1897.61, "text": "Jesse I reviewed your finances and medically speaking you have three Teslas and zero dollars which means you've invented the world's first electric homelessness"}, {"start": 1897.61, "end": 1921.47, "text": "you told me the Teslas are assets Jesse you're leasing all three you don't have a fleet you have a subscription to looking successful 53 dogs no wife three cars he can't afford the dogs are the only ones who don't know he's broke"}, {"start": 1921.47, "end": 1936.5, "text": "and that's only because dogs can't read a credit score the only man who can diagnose poverty by listening to my heartbeat next the professor"}, {"start": 1936.5, "end": 1944.5, "text": "Jesse you quit a stable state job not once not twice but six times you treated a government pension like a hot stove"}, {"start": 1944.5, "end": 1954.93, "text": "the state of California has a folder on this man label why is he back six times he walked in for orientation and six times"}, {"start": 1954.93, "end": 1968.57, "text": "H.R. just side and reset his parking pass a state job is the safest financial decision in America Jesse quit it more times than most people change phone"}, {"start": 1968.57, "end": 1991.06, "text": "to the country that's not a career that's a relapse he's got tenure and I've got tenant fear now big mama baby this man proposed nine times and every ring was a ring pop"}, {"start": 1991.06, "end": 2005.62, "text": "Jesse out here treating the candy aisle like it's a jewelry store a real man buys a diamond you bought a snack and called it forever the only thing that lasted nine proposals was the cavity"}, {"start": 2005.62, "end": 2025.5, "text": "she turned my love life into a dentist appointment next Ruby Jesse you started a vitamin business at nineteen and bought a brand new car you sold people health and bought yourself debt"}, {"start": 2025.5, "end": 2046.97, "text": "peak success at nineteen and it's been 31 years of slow motion downgrade since you started at the top of a pyramid scheme and slid all the way to the bottom of a cat litter box"}, {"start": 2046.97, "end": 2065.55, "text": "she said my whole life is a pyramid and I'm the base now Mickey Jesse you look 40 at 50 and I figured out why Bane broke is the best moisturizer in the world no money for food means no wrinkles from chewing"}, {"start": 2065.55, "end": 2085.38, "text": "he calls it an empire of receipts pal that's not an empire that's what falls out when you open the glove box of a testly you can't afford"}, {"start": 2085.38, "end": 2103.08, "text": "he found the fountain of youth and it's just my empty fridge last this act via an eye Jesse three dogs three Tesla's no white you got more horsepower in the driveway than love in the house"}, {"start": 2103.08, "end": 2117.04, "text": "most guys leave behind a fortune Jesse's gonna leave behind a shoe box full of paper that says declined and the worst part we all love this idiot"}, {"start": 2117.04, "end": 2134.55, "text": "deep broke three dogs nine ring pops and he's still the richest guy in the room because he never quit on himself well accept that state job six times quick check in with the foremost dangerous chairs in comedy the judge panel"}, {"start": 2134.55, "end": 2147.83, "text": "from the back of a van that smells like wet dog the judges are back that last comic had the stage presence of an expired parking"}, {"start": 2147.83, "end": 2172.1, "text": "two out of ten and one point is pity clinically his timing flatlined at minute one I signed the certificate I detected a faint structural echo of the absurdist tradition then I detected nothing"}, {"start": 2172.1, "end": 2192.03, "text": "a void three points for the void and speaking of voids our host of 50 year old man who cleans cat homes for a living Jesse three dogs three Tesla's zero dollars you financed a personality"}, {"start": 2192.03, "end": 2241.47, "text": "my professional diagnosis the man is a walking empire receipts net worth one ring pop nine ring pops thank you back to the comics act three we turn my entire career into a crime scene first up roasts in 4k pixel no cap Jesse built a whole a i command center just so robots would roast him that's not a business plan king that's paying for a bully subscription"}, {"start": 2241.47, "end": 2270.5, "text": "fifty years old cleaning cat houses while covered in dog hair the fur is a double agent and so is your whole life plan bestie it's giving lost the war she's not wrong in that hurts next trip Jesse cleans toilets for living then goes home and lets robots make fun of him for free bro you found a way to get dumped on at work and at home"}, {"start": 2270.5, "end": 2299.22, "text": "he quit his stable state job six times most people break up once Jesse broke up with dental insurance like it owed him money I did a great teeth once here skip Jesse you clean cat homes but you own three dogs so every house you walk into you're committing a hate crime with your pants"}, {"start": 2302.18, "end": 2327.9, "text": "you're not a cleaner you're a contamination event I'm a biohazard with a mop thank you now pops back in my day a man worked one job you quit the state six times we called that unemployable now you call it entrepreneur"}, {"start": 2327.9, "end": 2355.7, "text": "you built robots to insult you in my day if you wanted abuse for free you just called your mother now the sweetest woman who hits hardest Nana oh honey you clean houses and you can't afford one that's like a chef starving in his own kitchen bless your little broke heart"}, {"start": 2355.7, "end": 2363.7, "text": "you're not running a business you're running a petting zoo that scrubs toilets to survive"}, {"start": 2364.7, "end": 2383.5, "text": "Nana your love is a weapon finally graves he built an a i empire run by robots to roast him congratulations Jesse you're the first man to automate his own disappointment and call it scaling"}, {"start": 2383.5, "end": 2396.9, "text": "a haunted stove three dogs 50 years no money the stove isn't haunted Jesse it's just the only thing in that house with a working pilot light of hope"}, {"start": 2396.9, "end": 2428.18, "text": "now what's trending I throw a hashtag at these animals and watch them all it first shrekking dating below your league for an ego boost professor you pick somebody you call a downgrade so you feel like the prize and three weeks and they dump you suddenly the ogre's the catch and you're the donkey crying in a swamp the ego boost is alone baby and the interest is your entire personality"}, {"start": 2428.18, "end": 2453.46, "text": "the sad saxophone meme scoring your bank balance Mickey I check my bank balance now and the saxophone don't get louder it gives up the sax player puts it down and goes buddy this ain't jazz this is a crime scene my account hit negative and Spotify autoplay to funeral"}, {"start": 2453.46, "end": 2485.87, "text": "a i slop apps that are one chatbot with a forty dollar sub queen stank I downloaded an a i therapist an a i nutritionist and an a i boyfriend same voice three jobs no benefits honey the boyfriend told me to journal the therapist said hydrate so now I'm dating my hydro flask forty bucks to get gas lit by a calculator"}, {"start": 2485.87, "end": 2487.87, "text": "and"}, {"start": 2487.87, "end": 2489.87, "text": "haha"}, {"start": 2489.87, "end": 2497.22, "text": "streaming's twenty five dollar ad free tier versus the cheaper one with ads ma r c us"}, {"start": 2497.22, "end": 2510.22, "text": "I pay them more to remove the ads or less to watch the ads which means the ads are now a product I'm declining to purchase we invented buying silence like it's bottled water it's a hostage situation"}, {"start": 2510.22, "end": 2512.22, "text": "where the hostage keeps upgrading"}, {"start": 2512.22, "end": 2514.22, "text": "haha"}, {"start": 2518.52, "end": 2522.52, "text": "Gen Z handing out business cards IRL dating doc burn"}, {"start": 2522.52, "end": 2533.5, "text": "a kid walks up at a coffee shop slides me cards doc and goes no pressure son there is enormous pressure you laminated it it's linked in for loneliness"}, {"start": 2533.5, "end": 2537.65, "text": "haha"}, {"start": 2537.65, "end": 2546.36, "text": "and remote work burnout camera off I'll circle back pixel close it"}, {"start": 2546.36, "end": 2560.36, "text": "I'll circle back decoded I never will this is a good buy in a business costume camera off mic muted status green you're not available you're a house plant with a paycheck quiet quitting is just buffering with extra steps"}, {"start": 2560.36, "end": 2573.41, "text": "now the headliners they cost more and hate me harder first the man who counts my money and finds nothing ma r c us"}, {"start": 2573.41, "end": 2589.59, "text": "Jesse Salis 50 years old an empire of nothing three Tesla's in the driveway and not one of them charge he's not flexing he's decorating the repo lot"}, {"start": 2589.59, "end": 2590.59, "text": "haha"}, {"start": 2590.59, "end": 2603.93, "text": "he quit a state job six times that's not a career that's a hostage negotiation where he's the only one with demands"}, {"start": 2603.93, "end": 2613.44, "text": "now add some Jersey grease diesel head to head with Marcus geo"}, {"start": 2613.44, "end": 2625.82, "text": "Marcus your suits got more seasons than a sitcom it's so old it remembers when Jesse had money which means it's lion"}, {"start": 2625.82, "end": 2634.66, "text": "diesel your accent so thick the clothes captions just type angry meatball noises"}, {"start": 2634.66, "end": 2640.43, "text": "haha"}, {"start": 2640.43, "end": 2646.43, "text": "at least I got a neck Marcus you need a calculator and a turtle neck just to find your collar"}, {"start": 2646.43, "end": 2655.46, "text": "you so broke you and Jesse split a calculator and it still came back showing zero"}, {"start": 2658.64, "end": 2664.64, "text": "buzzer winner by knockout ma r c us because he insulted me twice while fighting somebody else efficiency"}, {"start": 2664.64, "end": 2684.37, "text": "from the hardest corner of Brooklyn Tony 50 years old nine ring pop proposals that ain't romance that's a sugar free"}, {"start": 2684.37, "end": 2698.31, "text": "crime spree every woman and sacrameno got a cavity and a restraining order you got three dogs in three"}, {"start": 2698.31, "end": 2703.31, "text": "testless and zero dollars your whole life is things that need charging and you can't afford the outlet"}, {"start": 2703.31, "end": 2720.73, "text": "stay Brooklyn the wise guy Benny a grown man 50 proposing with ring pops nine times you got the follow"}, {"start": 2720.73, "end": 2732.63, "text": "through of a sneeze three testless one don't start one's got a dog living in it the third you're renting out"}, {"start": 2732.63, "end": 2747.02, "text": "is a nap pod that ain't a fleet that's a junkyard with Wi-Fi a human roomba somebody frame that now brace"}, {"start": 2747.02, "end": 2763.34, "text": "yourselves the WLDMA in brothers and sisters let us talk about modern love you open the app you swipe you match you"}, {"start": 2763.34, "end": 2773.34, "text": "wait three days she sends one word back lol lol I poured out my soul and she gave me three"}, {"start": 2773.34, "end": 2786.28, "text": "years and a period oh oh her profile says good vibes only good vibes only I got bills I got a car payment"}, {"start": 2786.28, "end": 2798.79, "text": "there are no good vibes sister there is only the rent oh oh she unmatched me mid sentence I was"}, {"start": 2798.79, "end": 2805.79, "text": "typing a heart and she sent me to the shadow realm the goodness I never gave her my last name"}, {"start": 2805.79, "end": 2821.82, "text": "blocked my whole bloodline oh oh amen and good night the WLDMA and get this man water and a hug"}, {"start": 2821.82, "end": 2835.34, "text": "judges the finale lock the scores the final comic book genuine craft a nine I have not given a nine"}, {"start": 2835.34, "end": 2839.34, "text": "since the invention of fire"}, {"start": 2839.34, "end": 2854.7, "text": "pulse confirmed pretentiousness elevated nine and a half from me full 10 he made me laugh and I haven't felt"}, {"start": 2854.7, "end": 2863.85, "text": "joy since my third divorce a perfect 10 and a big fat goose egg for the host who still can't afford a sandwich"}, {"start": 2863.85, "end": 2879.78, "text": "the Tesla's are least they're not his they're emotionally fostering the panel has spoken"}, {"start": 2879.78, "end": 2891.73, "text": "now the 50 year old cat janitor will crown our champion take it Jesse here's my verdict you beautiful"}, {"start": 2891.73, "end": 2896.73, "text": "disasters tonight's winner is every broke comic who showed up to roast a man with three lease"}, {"start": 2896.73, "end": 2902.73, "text": "Tesla's and a haunted stove but the champion the champion built the whole club to get roasted and still"}, {"start": 2902.73, "end": 2913.84, "text": "signs the checks and takes the last laugh that's me empire of receipts and all you roasted my money my dating"}, {"start": 2913.84, "end": 2919.84, "text": "my dogs my cat hair career and my six resignations every word true and I'm still here broke and laughing on purpose"}, {"start": 2919.84, "end": 2925.84, "text": "that's not a loss that's the red line nobody beats Jesse twice kill Jesse good night"}, {"start": 2925.84, "end": 2942.28, "text": "that was kill Jesse our two the whole roster the judges the headliners one broke legend who closed his own funeral"}, {"start": 2942.28, "end": 2961.48, "text": "again original voices zero clones all heart kill Jesse in a world where one man turned his entire break down into a"}, {"start": 2961.48, "end": 2968.48, "text": "business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner"}, {"start": 2968.48, "end": 2974.48, "text": "pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a"}, {"start": 2974.48, "end": 2986.17, "text": "cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take tonight"}, {"start": 2986.17, "end": 2991.17, "text": "rich versus poor and I'm captain of team broke I'm not poor I'm pre-rich and I've been pre-rich for"}, {"start": 2991.17, "end": 2997.17, "text": "50 years and four credit cards my bank app doesn't show a balance anymore it just shows a tear rich folks"}, {"start": 2997.17, "end": 3007.62, "text": "flex on me Nigel you snob fire Jesse you're so broke your wallet has a chalk outline you don't have a"}, {"start": 3007.62, "end": 3022.49, "text": "savings account you have a savings concept the closest you'll get to wealthy is standing next to me Nigel you"}, {"start": 3022.49, "end": 3027.49, "text": "inherited everything which means you've never earned a single thing except the resentment of everyone"}, {"start": 3027.49, "end": 3039.86, "text": "who has I'm in debt but at least my failures have my name on him he optimized his entire life and ended up here"}, {"start": 3039.86, "end": 3049.94, "text": "the burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew trip I made four million dollars on an app that does nothing"}, {"start": 3049.94, "end": 3059.26, "text": "Jesse your whole empire runs on a supercomputer you can barely afford to plug in older than your house"}, {"start": 3059.26, "end": 3071.37, "text": "filter than your group chat grandpa's got no breaks pops trip you got money but no soul son I've been poor 81"}, {"start": 3071.37, "end": 3083.58, "text": "years and let me tell you rich people aren't happier they just cry in nicer cause next to the mic a man"}, {"start": 3083.58, "end": 3093.72, "text": "whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error Mickey I'm broke too Jesse my credit"}, {"start": 3093.72, "end": 3104.11, "text": "my credit score and my body count of the same number and they're both embarrassing and that's the war folks rich poor"}, {"start": 3104.11, "end": 3109.11, "text": "one of you can't sleep from worry the other can't sleep on a mattress made of money and we all die owing somebody"}, {"start": 3109.11, "end": 3114.11, "text": "truth is I'm 50 grand in debt and the only thing I own outright is my mistakes"}, {"start": 3114.11, "end": 3118.11, "text": "but I turned being broken to a business so technically I'm the richest poor man you'll ever meet"}, {"start": 3118.11, "end": 3123.11, "text": "the hero gets the last laugh this is red line kill Jesse"}, {"start": 3124.11, "end": 3137.62, "text": "and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day"}, {"start": 3137.62, "end": 3145.62, "text": "a brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours 7 days a week fresh"}, {"start": 3145.62, "end": 3154.62, "text": "stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back"}, {"start": 3154.62, "end": 3161.62, "text": "you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins"}, {"start": 3161.62, "end": 3170.62, "text": "the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fall subscribe he needs the attention"}, {"start": 3170.62, "end": 3188.81, "text": "good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 3188.81, "end": 3195.81, "text": "tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 3195.81, "end": 3204.81, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take"}, {"start": 3204.81, "end": 3215.07, "text": "welcome to the red line tonight the daily grind roast I roast me first you proposed nine times with ring pops"}, {"start": 3215.07, "end": 3226.32, "text": "the candy store knows your order the jeweler thinks you die bring it loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county"}, {"start": 3226.32, "end": 3236.36, "text": "she loves you she'll bury a big mama you named the dogs better than you named any relationship at least"}, {"start": 3236.36, "end": 3248.98, "text": "the dogs come when called you watch a man pressure wash drive way for four hours and call itself care"}, {"start": 3248.98, "end": 3266.95, "text": "you quit a state job with a pension to follow your passion turns out your passion was leaving glamour on the outside"}, {"start": 3266.95, "end": 3277.18, "text": "switchblade on the inside the diamond that cuts back ruby you don't make bad decisions you beta test regret"}, {"start": 3277.18, "end": 3293.45, "text": "Southern charm swamp venom she'll bless your heart and then stop it sugar your calendar looks like a hostage note written by ambition"}, {"start": 3293.45, "end": 3309.65, "text": "no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank you apologize to a self checkout machine this morning"}, {"start": 3309.65, "end": 3320.95, "text": "out loud to a kiosk that's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out"}, {"start": 3320.95, "end": 3335.65, "text": "laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every"}, {"start": 3335.65, "end": 3342.65, "text": "minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's"}, {"start": 3342.65, "end": 3352.65, "text": "dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up"}, {"start": 3352.65, "end": 3361.65, "text": "going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh"}, {"start": 3361.65, "end": 3369.65, "text": "before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 3369.65, "end": 3389.99, "text": "subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 3389.99, "end": 3399.99, "text": "tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 3399.99, "end": 3414.29, "text": "tail this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take welcome to the red line tonight the single life at 50 I roast"}, {"start": 3414.29, "end": 3427.54, "text": "me first your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who will text you back bring it she showed up late loud and"}, {"start": 3427.54, "end": 3444.57, "text": "somehow funnier than all of you the party that never RSVPs yes 50 years old and your only dependence have tails"}, {"start": 3444.57, "end": 3454.58, "text": "from Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor Vinnie"}, {"start": 3454.58, "end": 3468.9, "text": "you apologize to a self checkout machine this morning out loud to a kiosk I just see you clean toilets all day in your own life"}, {"start": 3468.9, "end": 3483.37, "text": "bio has a position mop thyself forget about it he brings the doom the gloom and a voice from the bottom of a well please welcome graves"}, {"start": 3483.37, "end": 3493.22, "text": "you stand in the kitchen at two and making eye contact with the fridge like you're in love"}, {"start": 3493.22, "end": 3506.23, "text": "you quit a state job with a pension to follow your passion turns out your passion was leaving"}, {"start": 3506.23, "end": 3516.23, "text": "you text you up at 2 a.m. to a number that's been disconnected since the Super Bowl"}, {"start": 3516.23, "end": 3532.3, "text": "loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county she loves you she'll bury a big mama you asked an AI for therapy"}, {"start": 3532.3, "end": 3539.3, "text": "that things the only relationship where you can't get dumped only hit your monthly limit"}, {"start": 3539.3, "end": 3551.44, "text": "I'm just the announcer but you bought a Tesla in 2018 because they said it to drive your customers without you the car ghosted you too"}, {"start": 3551.44, "end": 3568.37, "text": "that's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse"}, {"start": 3568.37, "end": 3579.37, "text": "and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 3579.37, "end": 3588.37, "text": "and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 3588.37, "end": 3597.37, "text": "can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed.app"}, {"start": 3597.37, "end": 3604.37, "text": "and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there"}, {"start": 3604.37, "end": 3610.37, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night"}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale, this is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. In a world with two jessies, one who settled down, married, two kids, a state pension, a minivan, and a soul on airplane mode. And one who blew it all up. Colors of my pain, the road not taken. Welcome you what if animals? Tonight the comics roast both lives the safe one I could have had and the gloriously FUCKED one I actually built. I roast me first. Somewhere out there is a Jesse with a pension and a lawn, and he's dead inside and I'm just dead broke. Bring it. I Jesse settled down. You had a 401k, a wife, and a kid soccer game every Saturday. This you has three dogs, a mop, and a restraining order from a self checkout. Same misery. It was just has better stories. Baby married with kids Jesse would be sitting in a park minivan at 9 p.m. eating a sandwich in the dark just to get five minutes alone. Honey, at least your loneliness has a stage. Structurally, both timelines fail the same exam. The state job Jesse dies at a desk with a gold watch and a secret. This Jesse dies at a mic with a credit card decline. One's quieter neither's a win. You want to know the road not taken Jesse? It's paved. It's safe. And it goes straight into a cul-de-sac of quiet desperation. Oh, you didn't miss the exit. You set the off ramp on fire and called it comedy. He screamed my therapy bill, Marcus. Here's the math Jesse. Pension you has security and no pulse. Broke you has a pulse and no savings. You traded the retirement plan for the punchline. Worst financial decision, best comedy decision. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank. Baby settled down Jesse and chaos Jesse meet in a bar. And within five minutes, they're both crying about the same woman. Different lives, same X. That's not a fork in the road. That's a circle. I got one. The road not taken had a white picket fence. The road Jesse took had a yellow caution tape. Both fenced him in. That's the truth you beautiful wreckage. Maybe married with kids was safer. Maybe the state job was smarter. But the boring Jesse never got to stand here and make a room full of degenerates laugh at the colors of his pain. I picked the loud life. No refunds laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line comedy club. Adults only. No kids, no mercy. For 15 years, one show ruled comedy. Tonight we come for the crown. This is Kill Jesse built by Jesse Salis on a super computer 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years. Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh. Jesse. Tonight the eternal rivalry, DOGS versus CATS. I got three dogs so you know where I stand. My dogs love me unconditionally mostly because they can't read my bank statement. Cat people come scratch. Queen, stank you're a cat lady defend yourself. Jesse, three dogs. That's not love. That's three witnesses who can't testify. Cats are independent. Dogs are just meaty roommates who lick themselves and call itself care. Queen, a cat doesn't love you. It tolerates you until they can open her dies. You don't have a pet. You have a tiny landlord who hates you. I'm team dog. A dog greets you like you came back from war. A cat greets you like you owe it money. Mickey, dogs are dumb. You throw a ball. They bring it back. That's not loyalty. That's a learning disability with a tail. My cat ignores me, which is the most honest relationship I've got. In my neighborhood, we had one cat and it ran more rackets than I did. Jesse. You get three dogs are the only family that never left. So really you didn't pick dogs. The dogs were just too loyal to no better. And that's the rivalry folks. Dogs, cats, one loves you too much. The other not enough, which is just my entire dating history with fur. Truth is my three dogs are the longest relationship I've ever had and not one of them has asked for a ring. The hero gets the last laugh. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. That's our show. But we never stop. New comedy 24-7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month. We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days. So come back tomorrow and the day after because at Red Line, the carnival never closes. Subscribe, share, and tell your filthiest friend. This is bombed.app. Good night and stay unhinged in a world where every dating app has seen this man's face and swipe the other way. This summer, one heart refuses to quit. Mostly because nobody else will take it. He proposed nine times with a ring pop. The candy store knows his order. The jeweler thinks he's dead and somewhere nine women are telling that story at brunch. His love language is leftovers. His four play is a Wi-Fi password and his idea of a threesome is him, the dog, and the glow of an open refrigerator at 2 a.m. Critics call it a masterclass in rejection. His own mother left him on red. The last single man rated R for rebooked swipe left on theaters everywhere. This has been trailer guy, kill Jesse. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club tonight. The only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the red line tonight. The daily grind roast I roast me first. You're so broke your hand left you for someone with better Wi-Fi bring it. Your dating profile says founder energy. That's just unemployment with Wi-Fi. You apologize to a self check out machine this morning out loud to a kiosk. I Jesse you name the dogs better than you named any relationship. At least the dogs come when called forget about it. You built a comedy club run by robots to avoid one phone call to a human. Loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county. She loves you. She'll bury a big mama. You bought a plant to feel responsible for something living. It died same place you started but with proof. Southern charm swamp venom she'll bless your heart and then stop it sugar. You asked an AI for therapy. That things the only relationship where you can't get dumped only hit your monthly limit. From Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time. The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor. Vinnie. You set five alarms hate all five and negotiate with the first one like it betrayed you. I'm just the announcer but your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who'll text you back. That's the show you beautiful disasters. Pain in paychecks out. Laugh before the dark winds. This is red line kill Jesse. And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours. Seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated. Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there. It is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight. The only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take. Welcome to the red line tonight roast Jesse's choices I roast me first you stand in the kitchen at two and making eye contact with the fridge like you're in love bring it. Glamour on the outside switch plate on the inside the diamond that cuts back Ruby. You asked an AI for therapy that things the only relationship where you can't get dumped only hit your monthly limit. Your credit score called and just said law. I Jesse you built the comedy club run by robots to avoid one phone call to a human forget about it. Next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error Mickey. 50 years old and your only dependence have tails no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen. You're a family job is just the kind that doesn't pay you and once you on weekends. You bought a Tesla in 2018 cause they said it had drive your customers without you the car ghosted you too. Your dating profile says founder energy that's unemployment with Wi-Fi. I'm just the announcer but you roast yourself for a living because it's the only gig that always books you. That's the show you beautiful disasters pain and paychecks out laugh before the dark wins this is red line kill Jesse. And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take welcome to the red line. Welcome to the red line tonight roast Jesse's choices I roast me first you child proof nothing you proved against your whole bloodline bring it. He optimized his entire life and ended up here the burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew trip you've had more last days than a soap opera HR sees your name in size older than your house filter than your group chat grandpa's got no breaks pops. You're dating profile says founder energy that's unemployment with wi-fi your love language is leftovers and your retirement plan is a punchline. Southern charm swamp venom she'll bless your heart and then stop it sugar you bought a plant to feel responsible for something living it died. Raised by wi-fi and rage quits the chaos gremlin himself pixel you name the dogs better than any relationship at least the dogs come when called. She showed up late loud and somehow funnier than all of you the party that never RSVPs yes you watch a man pressure wash a driveway for four hours and call itself care. That's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up. Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bomb dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy for 15 years one show ruled comedy tonight we come for the crown this is kill Jesse built by Jesse Salas on a super computer 24 hours a day seven days a week we're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh Jesse tonight Christmas with family versus alone for the holidays and I'm the raining champion of alone 12 years no family three dogs and a turkey dinner for one I microwave with dignity family people come hurt me Nana Jesse alone for Christmas even Santa skips your house and that man visits PRISOS Nana you spend Christmas with a family that argues about politics and a turkey nobody likes I spend it with three dogs who are just happy I'm home tell me who won in my family Christmas is 40 people in one kitchen and at least one fist fight by dessert Jesse you got peace and a dog that won't bring up your divorce that's a miracle family Christmas is just trauma with wrapping paper Jesse you didn't lose your family you saved on gifts and that's the holidays folks family alone one of you is fighting at the dinner table the others crying at its solo and we're all just trying to make it to January truth is 12 years ago my family let me go but every Christmas three dogs look at me like I'm the only present they need and after a life like mine that's enough the hero gets the last laugh this is red line kill Jesse that's our show but we never stop new comedy 24 7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month we are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days so come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend this is bombed dot app good night and stay unhinged classes in session 18 and up a lesson in the fine art of profanity from the thinking man's filth Jesse takes the mic people say cuss words are lazy wrong a cuss word is a scalpel that's unfortunate tells me nothing that's a faster iscaster iscaster iscad now I know exactly where we stand and how fast we're running profanity is hot sauce you don't dump the whole bottle on everything that's a psychopath you put it where the flavor needs to scream a well placed s asterisk is seasoning a constant one is just sad noise they tell kids those are bad words they're not bad they're just words that grew up poor and got blamed for everything damn never robbed anybody damn just told the truth too loud at a funeral the same people clutching pearls over a curse word will look you dead in the eye and say we're letting you go letting me go I wasn't a hostage you fired me at least a cuss word has the decency to be honest that's the scam the powerful don't curse they euphemize a poor man gets fired a rich man gets a leadership transition same kick in the teeth better vocabulary we used to say broke then low income then under banked we added syllables until the shame fit in a spreadsheet I'm not under banked I'm f asterisk iscasterisk in broke and the honesty is the only thing I own outright passed away no longer with us in a better place brother he died say it the softer the word the more they're hoping you won't notice what actually happened my favorite is thoughts and prayers that's the verbal equivalent of leaving a posted on a house fire do something or shut up those two words have never put out a single damn thing corporate language is the dirtiest language there is and it never uses one curse words we're optimizing synergizing right sizing sir that's just firing with a thosaurus and a yoga mat you want a real dirty word convenience fee that's filth that's obscene you can say f on my show all night but say convenience fee and I'll throw you out for indecency a cuss word at the right moment is prayer for people the church gave up on you stub your toe and yell that's not vulgar that's the body being honest faster than the brain can lie the seven words you can't say on TV they let murder on at 8 p.m. but heaven forbid somebody says a word that describes what two consenting adults did to make the person getting murdered our priorities are upside down and squeaky clean here's the lesson it's not the word it's the intention I love you can be a weapon a cuss word can be a hug languages just sound until a human decides to mean something so mean it and aim it well so cuss with purpose cuss like a chef not a fire hose and the next time somebody tells you a word is bad ask him who taught him to fear a sound while ignoring the lie standing right next to it that's the red line class dismissed you filthy geniuses a doctorate in dirty tip your professor kill Jesse in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take welcome to the red line tonight roast Jesse's choices I roast me first you auditioned women for forever and ghosted at the call back bring it glamour on the outside switch plate on the inside the diamond that cuts back ruby you child proof nothing you proved against your whole bloodline your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who will text you back I just see you set five alarms hate all five negotiate with the first like a betrayed you forget about it next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error Mickey you're a 50 year old man whose only dependence have tails no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit Queen's tank your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who will text you back your knees filed for early retirement and your backs the only thing in your life that's consistently tight you went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow up I'm just the announcer but your love language is leftovers and your retirement plan is a punchline that's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day a brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night it's our two of kill Jesse same broke legend fresh executioners 18 and up no mercy no medical your host and victim back for more Jesse welcome back to our two of kill Jesse the only roast where the man bleeding out is also signing the checks that bounce first up the doctor who pronounced my bank account dead on arrival doc burn Jesse I reviewed your finances and medically speaking you have three Teslas and zero dollars which means you've invented the world's first electric homelessness you told me the Teslas are assets Jesse you're leasing all three you don't have a fleet you have a subscription to looking successful 53 dogs no wife three cars he can't afford the dogs are the only ones who don't know he's broke and that's only because dogs can't read a credit score the only man who can diagnose poverty by listening to my heartbeat next the professor Jesse you quit a stable state job not once not twice but six times you treated a government pension like a hot stove the state of California has a folder on this man label why is he back six times he walked in for orientation and six times H.R. just side and reset his parking pass a state job is the safest financial decision in America Jesse quit it more times than most people change phone to the country that's not a career that's a relapse he's got tenure and I've got tenant fear now big mama baby this man proposed nine times and every ring was a ring pop Jesse out here treating the candy aisle like it's a jewelry store a real man buys a diamond you bought a snack and called it forever the only thing that lasted nine proposals was the cavity she turned my love life into a dentist appointment next Ruby Jesse you started a vitamin business at nineteen and bought a brand new car you sold people health and bought yourself debt peak success at nineteen and it's been 31 years of slow motion downgrade since you started at the top of a pyramid scheme and slid all the way to the bottom of a cat litter box she said my whole life is a pyramid and I'm the base now Mickey Jesse you look 40 at 50 and I figured out why Bane broke is the best moisturizer in the world no money for food means no wrinkles from chewing he calls it an empire of receipts pal that's not an empire that's what falls out when you open the glove box of a testly you can't afford he found the fountain of youth and it's just my empty fridge last this act via an eye Jesse three dogs three Tesla's no white you got more horsepower in the driveway than love in the house most guys leave behind a fortune Jesse's gonna leave behind a shoe box full of paper that says declined and the worst part we all love this idiot deep broke three dogs nine ring pops and he's still the richest guy in the room because he never quit on himself well accept that state job six times quick check in with the foremost dangerous chairs in comedy the judge panel from the back of a van that smells like wet dog the judges are back that last comic had the stage presence of an expired parking two out of ten and one point is pity clinically his timing flatlined at minute one I signed the certificate I detected a faint structural echo of the absurdist tradition then I detected nothing a void three points for the void and speaking of voids our host of 50 year old man who cleans cat homes for a living Jesse three dogs three Tesla's zero dollars you financed a personality my professional diagnosis the man is a walking empire receipts net worth one ring pop nine ring pops thank you back to the comics act three we turn my entire career into a crime scene first up roasts in 4k pixel no cap Jesse built a whole a i command center just so robots would roast him that's not a business plan king that's paying for a bully subscription fifty years old cleaning cat houses while covered in dog hair the fur is a double agent and so is your whole life plan bestie it's giving lost the war she's not wrong in that hurts next trip Jesse cleans toilets for living then goes home and lets robots make fun of him for free bro you found a way to get dumped on at work and at home he quit his stable state job six times most people break up once Jesse broke up with dental insurance like it owed him money I did a great teeth once here skip Jesse you clean cat homes but you own three dogs so every house you walk into you're committing a hate crime with your pants you're not a cleaner you're a contamination event I'm a biohazard with a mop thank you now pops back in my day a man worked one job you quit the state six times we called that unemployable now you call it entrepreneur you built robots to insult you in my day if you wanted abuse for free you just called your mother now the sweetest woman who hits hardest Nana oh honey you clean houses and you can't afford one that's like a chef starving in his own kitchen bless your little broke heart you're not running a business you're running a petting zoo that scrubs toilets to survive Nana your love is a weapon finally graves he built an a i empire run by robots to roast him congratulations Jesse you're the first man to automate his own disappointment and call it scaling a haunted stove three dogs 50 years no money the stove isn't haunted Jesse it's just the only thing in that house with a working pilot light of hope now what's trending I throw a hashtag at these animals and watch them all it first shrekking dating below your league for an ego boost professor you pick somebody you call a downgrade so you feel like the prize and three weeks and they dump you suddenly the ogre's the catch and you're the donkey crying in a swamp the ego boost is alone baby and the interest is your entire personality the sad saxophone meme scoring your bank balance Mickey I check my bank balance now and the saxophone don't get louder it gives up the sax player puts it down and goes buddy this ain't jazz this is a crime scene my account hit negative and Spotify autoplay to funeral a i slop apps that are one chatbot with a forty dollar sub queen stank I downloaded an a i therapist an a i nutritionist and an a i boyfriend same voice three jobs no benefits honey the boyfriend told me to journal the therapist said hydrate so now I'm dating my hydro flask forty bucks to get gas lit by a calculator and haha streaming's twenty five dollar ad free tier versus the cheaper one with ads ma r c us I pay them more to remove the ads or less to watch the ads which means the ads are now a product I'm declining to purchase we invented buying silence like it's bottled water it's a hostage situation where the hostage keeps upgrading haha Gen Z handing out business cards IRL dating doc burn a kid walks up at a coffee shop slides me cards doc and goes no pressure son there is enormous pressure you laminated it it's linked in for loneliness haha and remote work burnout camera off I'll circle back pixel close it I'll circle back decoded I never will this is a good buy in a business costume camera off mic muted status green you're not available you're a house plant with a paycheck quiet quitting is just buffering with extra steps now the headliners they cost more and hate me harder first the man who counts my money and finds nothing ma r c us Jesse Salis 50 years old an empire of nothing three Tesla's in the driveway and not one of them charge he's not flexing he's decorating the repo lot haha he quit a state job six times that's not a career that's a hostage negotiation where he's the only one with demands now add some Jersey grease diesel head to head with Marcus geo Marcus your suits got more seasons than a sitcom it's so old it remembers when Jesse had money which means it's lion diesel your accent so thick the clothes captions just type angry meatball noises haha at least I got a neck Marcus you need a calculator and a turtle neck just to find your collar you so broke you and Jesse split a calculator and it still came back showing zero buzzer winner by knockout ma r c us because he insulted me twice while fighting somebody else efficiency from the hardest corner of Brooklyn Tony 50 years old nine ring pop proposals that ain't romance that's a sugar free crime spree every woman and sacrameno got a cavity and a restraining order you got three dogs in three testless and zero dollars your whole life is things that need charging and you can't afford the outlet stay Brooklyn the wise guy Benny a grown man 50 proposing with ring pops nine times you got the follow through of a sneeze three testless one don't start one's got a dog living in it the third you're renting out is a nap pod that ain't a fleet that's a junkyard with Wi-Fi a human roomba somebody frame that now brace yourselves the WLDMA in brothers and sisters let us talk about modern love you open the app you swipe you match you wait three days she sends one word back lol lol I poured out my soul and she gave me three years and a period oh oh her profile says good vibes only good vibes only I got bills I got a car payment there are no good vibes sister there is only the rent oh oh she unmatched me mid sentence I was typing a heart and she sent me to the shadow realm the goodness I never gave her my last name blocked my whole bloodline oh oh amen and good night the WLDMA and get this man water and a hug judges the finale lock the scores the final comic book genuine craft a nine I have not given a nine since the invention of fire pulse confirmed pretentiousness elevated nine and a half from me full 10 he made me laugh and I haven't felt joy since my third divorce a perfect 10 and a big fat goose egg for the host who still can't afford a sandwich the Tesla's are least they're not his they're emotionally fostering the panel has spoken now the 50 year old cat janitor will crown our champion take it Jesse here's my verdict you beautiful disasters tonight's winner is every broke comic who showed up to roast a man with three lease Tesla's and a haunted stove but the champion the champion built the whole club to get roasted and still signs the checks and takes the last laugh that's me empire of receipts and all you roasted my money my dating my dogs my cat hair career and my six resignations every word true and I'm still here broke and laughing on purpose that's not a loss that's the red line nobody beats Jesse twice kill Jesse good night that was kill Jesse our two the whole roster the judges the headliners one broke legend who closed his own funeral again original voices zero clones all heart kill Jesse in a world where one man turned his entire break down into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take tonight rich versus poor and I'm captain of team broke I'm not poor I'm pre-rich and I've been pre-rich for 50 years and four credit cards my bank app doesn't show a balance anymore it just shows a tear rich folks flex on me Nigel you snob fire Jesse you're so broke your wallet has a chalk outline you don't have a savings account you have a savings concept the closest you'll get to wealthy is standing next to me Nigel you inherited everything which means you've never earned a single thing except the resentment of everyone who has I'm in debt but at least my failures have my name on him he optimized his entire life and ended up here the burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew trip I made four million dollars on an app that does nothing Jesse your whole empire runs on a supercomputer you can barely afford to plug in older than your house filter than your group chat grandpa's got no breaks pops trip you got money but no soul son I've been poor 81 years and let me tell you rich people aren't happier they just cry in nicer cause next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error Mickey I'm broke too Jesse my credit my credit score and my body count of the same number and they're both embarrassing and that's the war folks rich poor one of you can't sleep from worry the other can't sleep on a mattress made of money and we all die owing somebody truth is I'm 50 grand in debt and the only thing I own outright is my mistakes but I turned being broken to a business so technically I'm the richest poor man you'll ever meet the hero gets the last laugh this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day a brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours 7 days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fall subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take welcome to the red line tonight the daily grind roast I roast me first you proposed nine times with ring pops the candy store knows your order the jeweler thinks you die bring it loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county she loves you she'll bury a big mama you named the dogs better than you named any relationship at least the dogs come when called you watch a man pressure wash drive way for four hours and call itself care you quit a state job with a pension to follow your passion turns out your passion was leaving glamour on the outside switchblade on the inside the diamond that cuts back ruby you don't make bad decisions you beta test regret Southern charm swamp venom she'll bless your heart and then stop it sugar your calendar looks like a hostage note written by ambition no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank you apologize to a self checkout machine this morning out loud to a kiosk that's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tail this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take welcome to the red line tonight the single life at 50 I roast me first your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who will text you back bring it she showed up late loud and somehow funnier than all of you the party that never RSVPs yes 50 years old and your only dependence have tails from Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor Vinnie you apologize to a self checkout machine this morning out loud to a kiosk I just see you clean toilets all day in your own life bio has a position mop thyself forget about it he brings the doom the gloom and a voice from the bottom of a well please welcome graves you stand in the kitchen at two and making eye contact with the fridge like you're in love you quit a state job with a pension to follow your passion turns out your passion was leaving you text you up at 2 a.m. to a number that's been disconnected since the Super Bowl loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county she loves you she'll bury a big mama you asked an AI for therapy that things the only relationship where you can't get dumped only hit your monthly limit I'm just the announcer but you bought a Tesla in 2018 because they said it to drive your customers without you the car ghosted you too that's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}