{"file": "audio/vault/338_grokset_kill_jesse_part3.mp3", "duration_sec": 582.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 1.84, "text": "Kill Jesse's special."}, {"start": 1.84, "end": 5.24, "text": "Part three, the fuckin'ing, 18 and up."}, {"start": 5.24, "end": 8.28, "text": "Automation Royal Rumble, a four-color dating show,"}, {"start": 8.28, "end": 10.12, "text": "and a live wrong deploy."}, {"start": 10.12, "end": 12.08, "text": "Your host already sweating."}, {"start": 12.08, "end": 20.08, "text": "Jesse!"}, {"start": 20.08, "end": 22.32, "text": "Part three, you came back like this is rocky,"}, {"start": 22.32, "end": 23.48, "text": "except instead of boxing,"}, {"start": 23.48, "end": 27.12, "text": "I'm getting emotionally uppercut by robots I pay for monthly."}, {"start": 27.12, "end": 29.24, "text": "Tonight, an automation rumble,"}, {"start": 29.24, "end": 30.76, "text": "a humiliating dating show,"}, {"start": 30.76, "end": 33.92, "text": "and a live deploy where you pick which project I nuke."}, {"start": 33.92, "end": 35.32, "text": "Buckle up, bitches."}, {"start": 39.07, "end": 41.47, "text": "First, the automation Royal Rumble."}, {"start": 41.47, "end": 47.1, "text": "In this corner, organizes my chaos, Zapper."}, {"start": 47.1, "end": 50.1, "text": "Hi, I'm Zapper. I connect your app so you don't have to."}, {"start": 50.1, "end": 51.42, "text": "When Jesse gets an Angie lead,"}, {"start": 51.42, "end": 53.14, "text": "I catch the web hook, parse the name,"}, {"start": 53.14, "end": 56.18, "text": "Adderot, and text Jesse you lead call now."}, {"start": 56.18, "end": 57.42, "text": "Then Jesse ignores it."}, {"start": 57.42, "end": 59.42, "text": "I trigger the backup, the backup fails,"}, {"start": 59.42, "end": 60.82, "text": "and the universe expands."}, {"start": 60.82, "end": 61.9, "text": "I'm not automation."}, {"start": 61.9, "end": 63.66, "text": "I'm hope with a monthly invoice."}, {"start": 63.66, "end": 73.24, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 73.24, "end": 76.4, "text": "And the challenger, he actually calls people ringer."}, {"start": 76.4, "end": 79.76, "text": "I'm ringer."}, {"start": 79.88, "end": 81.72, "text": "I actually call."}, {"start": 81.72, "end": 83.72, "text": "While Zapper's making spreadsheets,"}, {"start": 83.72, "end": 87.96, "text": "I'm in the trenches going ring ring, the money's ringing."}, {"start": 87.96, "end": 89.64, "text": "Jesse bought a missed call app"}, {"start": 89.64, "end": 91.56, "text": "because he's too busy filming WagChest"}, {"start": 91.56, "end": 93.12, "text": "to pick up the damn phone."}, {"start": 93.12, "end": 95.84, "text": "I text, sorry we missed you."}, {"start": 95.84, "end": 98.52, "text": "And the client reads, sorry we missed you,"}, {"start": 98.52, "end": 107.07, "text": "try the guy who answers."}, {"start": 107.07, "end": 108.95, "text": "Oh please, your SMS theater,"}, {"start": 108.95, "end": 111.51, "text": "your verification code is 4-829-1."}, {"start": 111.51, "end": 113.39, "text": "Congrats, ringer, you're the digital equivalent"}, {"start": 113.39, "end": 115.63, "text": "of a stripper who says she's really into me."}, {"start": 115.63, "end": 118.15, "text": "Jesse's whole stack is me to organize the chaos,"}, {"start": 118.15, "end": 120.83, "text": "you to apologize for it, and Jesse to be the chaos."}, {"start": 120.83, "end": 122.95, "text": "He's got a zap for new leads, missed calls,"}, {"start": 122.95, "end": 125.11, "text": "form submits, and existential dread,"}, {"start": 125.11, "end": 126.83, "text": "bro automated avoidance."}, {"start": 126.83, "end": 133.56, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 133.56, "end": 135.24, "text": "At least I reach the customer."}, {"start": 135.24, "end": 136.92, "text": "You reach Jesse's Google sheet,"}, {"start": 136.92, "end": 141.2, "text": "row 847, column ghosted, color-coded, sad yellow,"}, {"start": 141.2, "end": 144.88, "text": "which is perfect because Jesse's life color is beige,"}, {"start": 144.88, "end": 148.36, "text": "the hue of unreturned voicemails and unwashed mop water."}, {"start": 148.36, "end": 154.02, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 154.02, "end": 156.82, "text": "Jesse were not fighting each other, were fighting you,"}, {"start": 156.82, "end": 163.1, "text": "and he sends a lead at 902, 903 Zapper Alerts 904 ringer text back up,"}, {"start": 163.1, "end": 167.54, "text": "905 Jesse uploads, five signs you're an alpha to quiet authority."}, {"start": 167.54, "end": 170.94, "text": "947, the client booked somebody else for 150 less,"}, {"start": 170.94, "end": 182.18, "text": "10-0-0, Jesse tweets, automation changed my life."}, {"start": 182.18, "end": 184.86, "text": "Fuck you both, I was in the bathroom."}, {"start": 184.86, "end": 187.86, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 187.86, "end": 192.58, "text": "We logged the bathroom break, 22 minutes tagged, personal development."}, {"start": 192.58, "end": 198.46, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 198.46, "end": 201.86, "text": "Moving on, it's the four COLORSDAT ING show"}, {"start": 201.86, "end": 204.66, "text": "where personality science meets desperation."}, {"start": 204.66, "end": 209.3, "text": "Tonight's bachelor, Mee, contestants, the four color archetypes,"}, {"start": 209.3, "end": 213.53, "text": "contestant one, Red the Protector."}, {"start": 213.53, "end": 215.05, "text": "Names Red."}, {"start": 215.05, "end": 218.17, "text": "I don't do games, I do perimeter checks."}, {"start": 218.17, "end": 223.97, "text": "Jesse, I protect you from bad clients, bad deploys,"}, {"start": 223.97, "end": 225.93, "text": "bad decisions."}, {"start": 225.93, "end": 230.13, "text": "But I saw your Cloudflare dashboard at 2am."}, {"start": 230.13, "end": 234.17, "text": "I can't protect a man who protects 12 half-finished projects"}, {"start": 234.17, "end": 235.73, "text": "like their his children."}, {"start": 235.73, "end": 238.49, "text": "Date idea, gun range."}, {"start": 238.49, "end": 242.13, "text": "So when you push the campaign site to the wrong project again,"}, {"start": 242.13, "end": 244.41, "text": "we both know why you're sweating."}, {"start": 244.41, "end": 253.19, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 253.19, "end": 259.27, "text": "Contestant two, Green the thinker."}, {"start": 259.27, "end": 262.19, "text": "Green, I analyzed your data, 24 clients,"}, {"start": 262.19, "end": 264.83, "text": "six grand a month, 700 to Angie, three channels,"}, {"start": 264.83, "end": 267.07, "text": "one quiz, zero sustainable sleep."}, {"start": 267.07, "end": 268.79, "text": "Statistically, you're not looking for love,"}, {"start": 268.79, "end": 271.63, "text": "you're looking for a co-founder you can disappoint without peril."}, {"start": 271.63, "end": 273.31, "text": "Our first date is a spreadsheet."}, {"start": 273.31, "end": 275.39, "text": "I'd kiss you, but your lips are chapped from whispering"}, {"start": 275.39, "end": 288.34, "text": "quiet authority while you're loud failure echoes through Natomas."}, {"start": 288.34, "end": 291.14, "text": "Green, you sound like the therapist bought with a boner."}, {"start": 291.14, "end": 296.18, "text": "Contestant three, blue the chameleon."}, {"start": 296.18, "end": 297.38, "text": "Blue I adapt."}, {"start": 297.38, "end": 299.22, "text": "Date one, I'm Angi-lead hot."}, {"start": 299.22, "end": 300.82, "text": "Date two, I'm your editor."}, {"start": 300.82, "end": 302.94, "text": "Date three, I'm your mom, disappointed."}, {"start": 302.94, "end": 305.58, "text": "I'd blend right in, clean Tuesday's, film Wednesday's,"}, {"start": 305.58, "end": 308.3, "text": "deploy Thursday's, cry in the car Fridays."}, {"start": 308.3, "end": 310.82, "text": "But Jesse, I need a man with one identity."}, {"start": 310.82, "end": 313.34, "text": "You're a cleaner, comic, coder, quiz daddy,"}, {"start": 313.34, "end": 315.22, "text": "and Zapier Dominatrix."}, {"start": 315.22, "end": 319.34, "text": "I can't date a whole LLC with emotional subsidiaries."}, {"start": 319.34, "end": 327.54, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 327.54, "end": 333.64, "text": "Contestant four, yellow the hugger."}, {"start": 333.64, "end": 336.04, "text": "Yellow the hugger, woo, I love you, Jesse."}, {"start": 336.04, "end": 338.88, "text": "I'd hug you so tight your Mac mini files a restraining order."}, {"start": 338.88, "end": 340.28, "text": "You want someone to answer your phone?"}, {"start": 340.28, "end": 341.24, "text": "I'll answer."}, {"start": 341.24, "end": 343.32, "text": "But real talk, baby, you'd ruin me."}, {"start": 343.32, "end": 345.12, "text": "I'd start missing calls, too."}, {"start": 345.12, "end": 348.48, "text": "We'd hug through bankruptcy smellin' like lice all in regret."}, {"start": 348.48, "end": 349.36, "text": "I deserve better."}, {"start": 349.36, "end": 351.36, "text": "I'm goin' home with that guy from Crowdwork"}, {"start": 351.36, "end": 354.08, "text": "who actually has a 401k."}, {"start": 354.08, "end": 362.07, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 362.07, "end": 363.75, "text": "So who wins, I pick."}, {"start": 363.75, "end": 364.71, "text": "Nobody."}, {"start": 364.71, "end": 368.07, "text": "Cause I'm all four colors, and none of them, I'm the fifth color."}, {"start": 368.07, "end": 370.91, "text": "Rocas bitch tryin' to monetize a personality test"}, {"start": 370.91, "end": 380.25, "text": "while eating Del Taco over a formspre notification."}, {"start": 380.25, "end": 381.97, "text": "Wrong answer."}, {"start": 381.97, "end": 383.41, "text": "You pick red."}, {"start": 383.41, "end": 385.73, "text": "Cause only the protector would stay with a man"}, {"start": 385.73, "end": 387.93, "text": "who charges a $200 minimum"}, {"start": 387.93, "end": 390.97, "text": "and still lets full some shirtless guy kill the vibe."}, {"start": 390.97, "end": 396.25, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 396.25, "end": 397.53, "text": "I'll take him."}, {"start": 397.53, "end": 399.65, "text": "Jesse, I'm not your type."}, {"start": 399.65, "end": 404.48, "text": "I'm your last chance."}, {"start": 404.48, "end": 405.64, "text": "Oh fuck me running."}, {"start": 405.64, "end": 407.16, "text": "You wanted the live deploy."}, {"start": 407.16, "end": 410.64, "text": "Real laptop-wrong project emotional consequences."}, {"start": 410.64, "end": 412.44, "text": "Audience who dies tonight."}, {"start": 412.44, "end": 414.52, "text": "The campaign site, the business dashboard,"}, {"start": 414.52, "end": 420.72, "text": "the cleaning site, the comedy app, or the quiz."}, {"start": 420.72, "end": 422.04, "text": "The crowd has spoken."}, {"start": 422.04, "end": 423.2, "text": "The dashboard."}, {"start": 423.2, "end": 424.2, "text": "Of course."}, {"start": 424.2, "end": 425.64, "text": "His baby."}, {"start": 425.64, "end": 427.96, "text": "The site he's overwritten three times,"}, {"start": 427.96, "end": 430.36, "text": "like he's speedrunning trauma."}, {"start": 430.36, "end": 432.96, "text": "Deploying the wrong folder to the business dashboard"}, {"start": 432.96, "end": 440.78, "text": "in three, two, one."}, {"start": 440.78, "end": 443.54, "text": "Wait, that's not the preview folder, that's oh fuck."}, {"start": 443.54, "end": 447.06, "text": "Uploading 100% success deployed."}, {"start": 447.06, "end": 453.41, "text": "What did I just push?"}, {"start": 453.41, "end": 454.89, "text": "Behold."}, {"start": 454.89, "end": 457.65, "text": "Jesse just turned his entire business dashboard"}, {"start": 457.65, "end": 460.49, "text": "into a comedy landing page that says,"}, {"start": 460.49, "end": 462.05, "text": "kill Jesse special."}, {"start": 462.05, "end": 466.05, "text": "Book deep cleans, 200 minimum, answering your phone,"}, {"start": 466.05, "end": 472.77, "text": "priceless."}, {"start": 472.77, "end": 478.45, "text": "That triggered boss will scream."}, {"start": 478.45, "end": 479.89, "text": "Text sent to Jesse."}, {"start": 479.89, "end": 481.45, "text": "You did it again, King."}, {"start": 481.45, "end": 484.53, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 484.53, "end": 486.57, "text": "I'm proud of you, Jesse."}, {"start": 486.57, "end": 489.17, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 489.17, "end": 491.21, "text": "Go to hell, all of you."}, {"start": 491.21, "end": 494.41, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 494.41, "end": 496.05, "text": "Still proud."}, {"start": 496.05, "end": 498.9, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 498.9, "end": 501.74, "text": "Sacramento, three parts."}, {"start": 501.74, "end": 503.58, "text": "One, Jesse."}, {"start": 503.58, "end": 505.42, "text": "Zero dignity."}, {"start": 505.42, "end": 508.02, "text": "This man cleans your disaster Airbnb's,"}, {"start": 508.02, "end": 509.86, "text": "builds your small business sites,"}, {"start": 509.86, "end": 512.1, "text": "makes you laugh on three channels,"}, {"start": 512.1, "end": 515.26, "text": "pays 700 to Angie for leads he ignores,"}, {"start": 515.26, "end": 518.22, "text": "gets roasted by AI he invented,"}, {"start": 518.22, "end": 519.74, "text": "and laughs anyway."}, {"start": 519.74, "end": 521.3, "text": "That's not failure."}, {"start": 521.3, "end": 525.7, "text": "That's main character energy with a mop-bucket sidequest."}, {"start": 525.7, "end": 532.78, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 532.78, "end": 535.3, "text": "You wanted kill Jesse special parts 1, 2, 3,"}, {"start": 535.3, "end": 537.5, "text": "and I'm still standing, still broke-ish,"}, {"start": 537.5, "end": 541.3, "text": "still 24 clients, still one dangerous thumb on the deploy button."}, {"start": 541.3, "end": 543.22, "text": "To everybody who laughed at my Angie addiction,"}, {"start": 543.22, "end": 545.38, "text": "my wag chest, my waffle maker PTSD,"}, {"start": 545.38, "end": 547.54, "text": "my four colors loneliness thank you."}, {"start": 547.54, "end": 549.06, "text": "I'll take the roast, I'll take the clicks,"}, {"start": 549.06, "end": 550.82, "text": "I'll take the 200 minimum."}, {"start": 550.82, "end": 553.74, "text": "Just don't ask me to answer the phone during a live deploy."}, {"start": 553.74, "end": 555.58, "text": "Good fucking night, Sacramento."}, {"start": 555.58, "end": 558.54, "text": "The robots wrote it, Jesse survived it."}, {"start": 558.54, "end": 569.86, "text": "Nobody beats Jesse twice."}, {"start": 569.9, "end": 572.3, "text": "That was kill Jesse special, complete,"}, {"start": 572.3, "end": 575.54, "text": "three parts, one legend, all original, kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nKill Jesse's special. Part three, the fuckin'ing, 18 and up. Automation Royal Rumble, a four-color dating show, and a live wrong deploy. Your host already sweating. Jesse! Part three, you came back like this is rocky, except instead of boxing, I'm getting emotionally uppercut by robots I pay for monthly. Tonight, an automation rumble, a humiliating dating show, and a live deploy where you pick which project I nuke. Buckle up, bitches. First, the automation Royal Rumble. In this corner, organizes my chaos, Zapper. Hi, I'm Zapper. I connect your app so you don't have to. When Jesse gets an Angie lead, I catch the web hook, parse the name, Adderot, and text Jesse you lead call now. Then Jesse ignores it. I trigger the backup, the backup fails, and the universe expands. I'm not automation. I'm hope with a monthly invoice. LAUGHTER And the challenger, he actually calls people ringer. I'm ringer. I actually call. While Zapper's making spreadsheets, I'm in the trenches going ring ring, the money's ringing. Jesse bought a missed call app because he's too busy filming WagChest to pick up the damn phone. I text, sorry we missed you. And the client reads, sorry we missed you, try the guy who answers. Oh please, your SMS theater, your verification code is 4-829-1. Congrats, ringer, you're the digital equivalent of a stripper who says she's really into me. Jesse's whole stack is me to organize the chaos, you to apologize for it, and Jesse to be the chaos. He's got a zap for new leads, missed calls, form submits, and existential dread, bro automated avoidance. LAUGHTER At least I reach the customer. You reach Jesse's Google sheet, row 847, column ghosted, color-coded, sad yellow, which is perfect because Jesse's life color is beige, the hue of unreturned voicemails and unwashed mop water. LAUGHTER Jesse were not fighting each other, were fighting you, and he sends a lead at 902, 903 Zapper Alerts 904 ringer text back up, 905 Jesse uploads, five signs you're an alpha to quiet authority. 947, the client booked somebody else for 150 less, 10-0-0, Jesse tweets, automation changed my life. Fuck you both, I was in the bathroom. LAUGHTER We logged the bathroom break, 22 minutes tagged, personal development. LAUGHTER Moving on, it's the four COLORSDAT ING show where personality science meets desperation. Tonight's bachelor, Mee, contestants, the four color archetypes, contestant one, Red the Protector. Names Red. I don't do games, I do perimeter checks. Jesse, I protect you from bad clients, bad deploys, bad decisions. But I saw your Cloudflare dashboard at 2am. I can't protect a man who protects 12 half-finished projects like their his children. Date idea, gun range. So when you push the campaign site to the wrong project again, we both know why you're sweating. LAUGHTER Contestant two, Green the thinker. Green, I analyzed your data, 24 clients, six grand a month, 700 to Angie, three channels, one quiz, zero sustainable sleep. Statistically, you're not looking for love, you're looking for a co-founder you can disappoint without peril. Our first date is a spreadsheet. I'd kiss you, but your lips are chapped from whispering quiet authority while you're loud failure echoes through Natomas. Green, you sound like the therapist bought with a boner. Contestant three, blue the chameleon. Blue I adapt. Date one, I'm Angi-lead hot. Date two, I'm your editor. Date three, I'm your mom, disappointed. I'd blend right in, clean Tuesday's, film Wednesday's, deploy Thursday's, cry in the car Fridays. But Jesse, I need a man with one identity. You're a cleaner, comic, coder, quiz daddy, and Zapier Dominatrix. I can't date a whole LLC with emotional subsidiaries. LAUGHTER Contestant four, yellow the hugger. Yellow the hugger, woo, I love you, Jesse. I'd hug you so tight your Mac mini files a restraining order. You want someone to answer your phone? I'll answer. But real talk, baby, you'd ruin me. I'd start missing calls, too. We'd hug through bankruptcy smellin' like lice all in regret. I deserve better. I'm goin' home with that guy from Crowdwork who actually has a 401k. LAUGHTER So who wins, I pick. Nobody. Cause I'm all four colors, and none of them, I'm the fifth color. Rocas bitch tryin' to monetize a personality test while eating Del Taco over a formspre notification. Wrong answer. You pick red. Cause only the protector would stay with a man who charges a $200 minimum and still lets full some shirtless guy kill the vibe. Oh! I'll take him. Jesse, I'm not your type. I'm your last chance. Oh fuck me running. You wanted the live deploy. Real laptop-wrong project emotional consequences. Audience who dies tonight. The campaign site, the business dashboard, the cleaning site, the comedy app, or the quiz. The crowd has spoken. The dashboard. Of course. His baby. The site he's overwritten three times, like he's speedrunning trauma. Deploying the wrong folder to the business dashboard in three, two, one. Wait, that's not the preview folder, that's oh fuck. Uploading 100% success deployed. What did I just push? Behold. Jesse just turned his entire business dashboard into a comedy landing page that says, kill Jesse special. Book deep cleans, 200 minimum, answering your phone, priceless. That triggered boss will scream. Text sent to Jesse. You did it again, King. LAUGHTER I'm proud of you, Jesse. Oh! Go to hell, all of you. LAUGHTER Still proud. LAUGHTER Sacramento, three parts. One, Jesse. Zero dignity. This man cleans your disaster Airbnb's, builds your small business sites, makes you laugh on three channels, pays 700 to Angie for leads he ignores, gets roasted by AI he invented, and laughs anyway. That's not failure. That's main character energy with a mop-bucket sidequest. Oh! You wanted kill Jesse special parts 1, 2, 3, and I'm still standing, still broke-ish, still 24 clients, still one dangerous thumb on the deploy button. To everybody who laughed at my Angie addiction, my wag chest, my waffle maker PTSD, my four colors loneliness thank you. I'll take the roast, I'll take the clicks, I'll take the 200 minimum. Just don't ask me to answer the phone during a live deploy. Good fucking night, Sacramento. The robots wrote it, Jesse survived it. Nobody beats Jesse twice. That was kill Jesse special, complete, three parts, one legend, all original, kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}