{"file": "audio/vault/329_kill_jesse_hour2.mp3", "duration_sec": 1098.8, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 6.04, "text": "It's our two of Kill Jesse, same broke legend, fresh executioners, 18 and up, no mercy,"}, {"start": 6.04, "end": 8.84, "text": "no medical, your host and victim, back for more."}, {"start": 8.84, "end": 16.45, "text": "Jesse!"}, {"start": 16.45, "end": 18.93, "text": "Welcome back to our two of Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 18.93, "end": 23.53, "text": "The only roast where the man bleeding out is also signing the checks that bounce."}, {"start": 23.53, "end": 34.27, "text": "First up, the doctor who pronounced my bank account dead on arrival, Doc Burn."}, {"start": 34.27, "end": 37.15, "text": "Jesse I reviewed your finances and medically speaking."}, {"start": 37.15, "end": 41.31, "text": "You have three Teslas and zero dollars, which means you've invented the world's first"}, {"start": 41.31, "end": 47.03, "text": "electric homelessness."}, {"start": 47.03, "end": 49.07, "text": "He told me the Teslas are assets."}, {"start": 49.07, "end": 50.79, "text": "Jesse, you're leasing all three."}, {"start": 50.79, "end": 51.79, "text": "You don't have a fleet."}, {"start": 51.79, "end": 61.06, "text": "You have a subscription to looking successful."}, {"start": 61.06, "end": 64.58, "text": "53 dogs, no wife, three cars he can't afford."}, {"start": 64.58, "end": 68.54, "text": "The dogs are the only ones who don't know he's broke, and that's only because dogs can't"}, {"start": 68.54, "end": 73.56, "text": "read a credit score."}, {"start": 73.56, "end": 77.2, "text": "The only man who can diagnose poverty by listening to my heartbeat."}, {"start": 77.2, "end": 81.23, "text": "Next, the professor."}, {"start": 81.23, "end": 85.87, "text": "Jesse, you quit a stable state job not once, not twice, but six times."}, {"start": 85.87, "end": 92.39, "text": "You treated a government pension like a hot stove."}, {"start": 92.39, "end": 96.67, "text": "The state of California has a folder on this man labeled, why is he back?"}, {"start": 96.67, "end": 101.03, "text": "Six times he walked in for orientation, and six times HR just sighed and reset his"}, {"start": 101.03, "end": 107.19, "text": "parking pass."}, {"start": 107.19, "end": 110.67, "text": "A state job is the safest financial decision in America."}, {"start": 110.67, "end": 114.27, "text": "Jesse quit it more times than most people change phone carriers."}, {"start": 114.27, "end": 115.27, "text": "That's not a career."}, {"start": 115.27, "end": 121.91, "text": "That's a relapse."}, {"start": 121.91, "end": 123.99, "text": "He's got tenure and I've got tenant fear."}, {"start": 123.99, "end": 131.21, "text": "Now big mama."}, {"start": 131.21, "end": 135.69, "text": "Baby, this man proposed nine times, and every ring was a ring pop."}, {"start": 135.69, "end": 139.25, "text": "Jesse out here treating the candy aisle like it's a jewelry store."}, {"start": 139.25, "end": 144.98, "text": "A real man buys a diamond."}, {"start": 144.98, "end": 147.18, "text": "You bought a snack and called it forever."}, {"start": 147.18, "end": 155.63, "text": "The only thing that lasted nine proposals was the cavity."}, {"start": 155.63, "end": 158.63, "text": "She turned my love life into a dentist appointment."}, {"start": 158.63, "end": 161.74, "text": "Next Ruby."}, {"start": 161.74, "end": 166.94, "text": "Jesse, you started a vitamin business at 19 and bought a brand new car."}, {"start": 166.94, "end": 173.57, "text": "You sold people health and bought yourself debt."}, {"start": 173.57, "end": 179.01, "text": "Peak success at 19 and it's been 31 years of slow motion downgrade since."}, {"start": 179.01, "end": 183.25, "text": "You started at the top of a pyramid scheme and slid all the way to the bottom of a cat"}, {"start": 183.25, "end": 191.76, "text": "litter box."}, {"start": 191.76, "end": 194.6, "text": "She said my whole life is a pyramid and I'm the base."}, {"start": 194.6, "end": 199.58, "text": "Now Mickey."}, {"start": 199.58, "end": 201.94, "text": "Jesse, you look 40 at 50."}, {"start": 201.94, "end": 206.74, "text": "And I figured out why Bane broke is the best moisturizer in the world."}, {"start": 206.74, "end": 213.78, "text": "No money for food means no wrinkles from chewing."}, {"start": 213.78, "end": 216.54, "text": "He calls it an empire of receipts."}, {"start": 216.54, "end": 218.9, "text": "Pal, that's not an empire."}, {"start": 218.9, "end": 230.14, "text": "That's what falls out when you open the glove box of a Tesla you can't afford."}, {"start": 230.14, "end": 233.3, "text": "He found the fountain of youth and it's just my empty fridge."}, {"start": 233.3, "end": 237.98, "text": "Last this act, Vi and NIE."}, {"start": 237.98, "end": 240.94, "text": "Jesse three dogs, three Teslas, no wife."}, {"start": 240.94, "end": 247.94, "text": "You got more horsepower in the driveway than love in the house."}, {"start": 247.94, "end": 249.94, "text": "Most guys leave behind a fortune."}, {"start": 249.94, "end": 259.49, "text": "Jesse's gonna leave behind a shoe box full of paper that says declined."}, {"start": 259.49, "end": 261.73, "text": "And the worst part, we all love this idiot."}, {"start": 261.73, "end": 265.77, "text": "Fifty broke three dogs, nine ring pops and he's still the richest guy in the room because"}, {"start": 265.77, "end": 267.33, "text": "he never quit on himself."}, {"start": 267.33, "end": 275.32, "text": "Well, except that state job six times."}, {"start": 275.32, "end": 285.38, "text": "Quick check in with the foremost dangerous chairs in comedy, the judge panel."}, {"start": 285.38, "end": 290.02, "text": "From the back of a van that smells like wet dog, the judges are back."}, {"start": 290.02, "end": 294.06, "text": "That last comic had the stage presence of an expired parking meter."}, {"start": 294.06, "end": 302.95, "text": "Two out of ten and one point is pity."}, {"start": 302.95, "end": 312.88, "text": "Clinically his timing flatlined at minute one, I signed the certificate."}, {"start": 312.88, "end": 317.76, "text": "I detected a faint structural echo of the absurdist tradition, then I detected nothing,"}, {"start": 317.76, "end": 323.75, "text": "a void, three points for the void."}, {"start": 323.75, "end": 332.02, "text": "And speaking of voids, our host, a 50 year old man who cleans cat homes for a living."}, {"start": 332.02, "end": 335.46, "text": "Jesse three dogs, three Teslas, zero dollars."}, {"start": 335.46, "end": 344.02, "text": "You financed a personality."}, {"start": 344.02, "end": 348.02, "text": "My professional diagnosis, the man is a walking empire of the seats."}, {"start": 348.02, "end": 353.82, "text": "Net worth one ring pop."}, {"start": 353.82, "end": 362.31, "text": "Nine ring pops, thank you, back to the comics act three."}, {"start": 362.31, "end": 365.03, "text": "We turn my entire career into a crime scene."}, {"start": 365.03, "end": 373.16, "text": "First up roasts in 4k, pixel."}, {"start": 373.16, "end": 378.48, "text": "No cap Jesse built a whole AI command center just so robots would roast him."}, {"start": 378.48, "end": 386.43, "text": "That's not a business plan, King, that's paying for a bully subscription."}, {"start": 386.43, "end": 390.19, "text": "50 years old cleaning cat houses while covered in dog hair."}, {"start": 390.19, "end": 393.91, "text": "The fur is a double agent and so is your whole life plan, Bestie."}, {"start": 393.91, "end": 402.28, "text": "It's giving lost the war."}, {"start": 402.28, "end": 407.1, "text": "She's not wrong in that hurts, next trip."}, {"start": 407.1, "end": 411.94, "text": "Jesse cleans toilets for a living, then goes home and lets robots make fun of him for free."}, {"start": 411.94, "end": 418.54, "text": "Bro, you found a way to get dumped on at work and at home."}, {"start": 418.54, "end": 421.26, "text": "He quit his stable state job six times."}, {"start": 421.26, "end": 425.34, "text": "Most people break up once, Jesse broke up with dental insurance like it owed him money."}, {"start": 432.31, "end": 436.93, "text": "I did a great teeth once, here's skip."}, {"start": 436.93, "end": 441.25, "text": "Jesse, you clean cat homes but you own three dogs, so every house you walk into,"}, {"start": 441.25, "end": 446.97, "text": "you're committing a hate crime with your pants."}, {"start": 446.97, "end": 457.43, "text": "You're not a cleaner, you're a contamination event."}, {"start": 457.43, "end": 459.43, "text": "I'm a biohazard with a mop, thank you."}, {"start": 459.43, "end": 464.18, "text": "Now pops."}, {"start": 464.18, "end": 466.82, "text": "Back in my day, a man worked one job."}, {"start": 466.82, "end": 469.02, "text": "You quit the state six times."}, {"start": 469.02, "end": 470.82, "text": "We called that unemployable."}, {"start": 470.82, "end": 473.02, "text": "Now you call it entrepreneur."}, {"start": 473.02, "end": 478.66, "text": "You built robots to insult you."}, {"start": 478.66, "end": 488.85, "text": "In my day, if you wanted abuse for free, you just called your mother."}, {"start": 488.85, "end": 493.74, "text": "Now the sweetest woman who hits hardest, Nana."}, {"start": 493.74, "end": 496.74, "text": "Oh honey, you clean houses and you can't afford one."}, {"start": 496.74, "end": 498.98, "text": "That's like a chef starving in his own kitchen."}, {"start": 498.98, "end": 503.86, "text": "Bless your little bro cart."}, {"start": 503.86, "end": 514.9, "text": "You're not running a business, you're running a petting zoo that scrubs toilets to survive."}, {"start": 514.9, "end": 518.38, "text": "You're not your love as a weapon, finally graves."}, {"start": 518.38, "end": 522.66, "text": "He built an AI empire run by robots to roast him."}, {"start": 522.66, "end": 527.34, "text": "Congratulations Jesse, you're the first man to automate his own disappointment and call"}, {"start": 527.34, "end": 531.22, "text": "it scaling."}, {"start": 531.22, "end": 535.98, "text": "A haunted stove, three dogs, 50 years, no money."}, {"start": 535.98, "end": 540.62, "text": "The stove isn't haunted Jesse, it's just the only thing in that house with a working pilot"}, {"start": 540.62, "end": 548.55, "text": "light of hope."}, {"start": 548.55, "end": 552.71, "text": "Now what's trending, I throw a hashtag at these animals and watch them all."}, {"start": 552.71, "end": 559.56, "text": "First, Shrekking, dating below your league for an ego boost, professor."}, {"start": 559.56, "end": 563.24, "text": "You pick somebody you call a downgrade so you feel like the prize and three weeks and"}, {"start": 563.24, "end": 564.24, "text": "they dump you."}, {"start": 564.24, "end": 567.72, "text": "Suddenly the ogre's the catch and you're the donkey crying in the swamp."}, {"start": 567.72, "end": 579.08, "text": "The ego boost is a lone baby and the interest is your entire personality."}, {"start": 579.08, "end": 583.28, "text": "The sad saxophone meme scoring your bank balance, Mickey."}, {"start": 583.28, "end": 587.92, "text": "I check my bank balance now and the saxophone don't get louder it gives up."}, {"start": 587.92, "end": 594.48, "text": "The sax player puts it down and goes, buddy, this ain't jazz, this is a crime scene."}, {"start": 594.48, "end": 605.94, "text": "My account hit negative and Spotify auto played a funeral."}, {"start": 605.94, "end": 612.92, "text": "AI slop apps that are one chatbot with a $40 sub, Queenstank."}, {"start": 612.92, "end": 618.96, "text": "I downloaded an AI therapist, an AI nutritionist, and an AI boyfriend, same voice."}, {"start": 618.96, "end": 621.44, "text": "Three jobs, no benefits, honey."}, {"start": 621.44, "end": 626.52, "text": "The boyfriend told me to journal, the therapist said hydrate, so now I'm dating my hydro"}, {"start": 626.52, "end": 627.52, "text": "flask."}, {"start": 627.52, "end": 636.42, "text": "$40 bucks to get gas lit by a calculator."}, {"start": 636.42, "end": 642.58, "text": "Streaming's $25 ad free tier versus the cheaper one with ads, M-A-R-C-U-S."}, {"start": 642.58, "end": 647.66, "text": "I pay them more to remove the ads or less to watch the ads, which means the ads are now"}, {"start": 647.66, "end": 650.62, "text": "a product I'm declining to purchase."}, {"start": 650.62, "end": 653.74, "text": "We invented buying silence like it's bottled water."}, {"start": 653.74, "end": 663.56, "text": "The hostage situation where the hostage keeps upgrading."}, {"start": 663.56, "end": 669.86, "text": "Gen Z handing out business cards, IRL dating, Doc Burn."}, {"start": 669.86, "end": 673.82, "text": "A kid walks up at a coffee shop, slides me cards stock and goes no pressure."}, {"start": 673.82, "end": 676.86, "text": "Son, there is enormous pressure you laminated it."}, {"start": 676.86, "end": 686.62, "text": "It's linked in for loneliness."}, {"start": 686.62, "end": 691.7, "text": "And remote work burnout camera off, I'll circle back, pixel close it."}, {"start": 691.7, "end": 696.78, "text": "I'll circle back, decoded, I never will, this is a good buy in a business costume."}, {"start": 696.78, "end": 702.02, "text": "Camera off, mic muted, status green, you're not available, you're a house plant with a paycheck."}, {"start": 702.02, "end": 711.53, "text": "Quiet quitting is just buffering with extra steps."}, {"start": 711.53, "end": 714.41, "text": "Now the headliners, they cost more and hate me harder."}, {"start": 714.41, "end": 724.28, "text": "First, the man who counts my money and finds nothing, M-A-R-C-U-S."}, {"start": 724.28, "end": 728.72, "text": "Jesse Salis, 50 years old, an empire of nothing."}, {"start": 728.72, "end": 731.84, "text": "Three Tesla's in the driveway and not one of them charge."}, {"start": 731.84, "end": 742.38, "text": "He's not flexing, he's decorating the repo lot."}, {"start": 742.38, "end": 746.7, "text": "He quit his state job six times, that's not a career, that's a hostage negotiation where"}, {"start": 746.7, "end": 754.78, "text": "he's the only one with demands."}, {"start": 754.78, "end": 763.44, "text": "Now add some Jersey grease, diesel, head to head with Marcus Geo."}, {"start": 763.44, "end": 766.32, "text": "Marcus your suits got more seasons than a sitcom."}, {"start": 766.32, "end": 775.04, "text": "It's so old it remembers when Jesse had money, which means it's lion."}, {"start": 775.04, "end": 785.36, "text": "Diesel your accent so thick the clothes captions just type angry meatball noises."}, {"start": 785.36, "end": 790.24, "text": "At least I got a neck Marcus, you need a calculator and a turtle neck just to find"}, {"start": 790.24, "end": 795.77, "text": "your collar."}, {"start": 795.77, "end": 803.6, "text": "You so broke you and Jesse's lid of calculator and it still came back showing zero."}, {"start": 803.6, "end": 808.2, "text": "Buzzer winner by knockout, M-A-R-C-U-S, because he insulted me twice while fighting somebody"}, {"start": 808.2, "end": 815.86, "text": "else, efficiency."}, {"start": 815.86, "end": 822.79, "text": "From the hardest corner of Brooklyn, Tony."}, {"start": 822.79, "end": 824.59, "text": "Fifty years old."}, {"start": 824.59, "end": 827.39, "text": "Nine, ring pop proposals."}, {"start": 827.39, "end": 830.83, "text": "That ain't romance, that's a sugar free crime spree."}, {"start": 830.83, "end": 841.76, "text": "Women in Sacramento got a cavity and a restraining order."}, {"start": 841.76, "end": 845.02, "text": "You got three dogs and three Teslas and zero dollars."}, {"start": 845.02, "end": 853.89, "text": "Your whole life is things that need charging and you can't afford the outlet."}, {"start": 853.89, "end": 860.77, "text": "Stay Brooklyn the Wise Guy Benny."}, {"start": 860.77, "end": 865.33, "text": "A grown man, fifty, proposing with ring pops nine times."}, {"start": 865.33, "end": 872.2, "text": "You got the follow through of a sneeze."}, {"start": 872.2, "end": 873.72, "text": "Three Teslas."}, {"start": 873.72, "end": 876.6, "text": "One don't start, one's got a dog living in it."}, {"start": 876.6, "end": 879.88, "text": "The third you're renting out is a nap pod."}, {"start": 879.88, "end": 889.06, "text": "You're not paying a fleet, that's a junkyard with Wi-Fi."}, {"start": 889.06, "end": 891.22, "text": "A human Roomba, somebody framed that."}, {"start": 891.22, "end": 901.59, "text": "Now brace yourselves, the WILDMAN."}, {"start": 901.59, "end": 905.31, "text": "Brothers and sisters, let us talk about modern love."}, {"start": 905.31, "end": 909.83, "text": "You open the app, you swipe, you match, you wait three days."}, {"start": 909.83, "end": 912.39, "text": "She sends one word back."}, {"start": 912.39, "end": 913.39, "text": "LOL."}, {"start": 913.39, "end": 915.39, "text": "LOL?"}, {"start": 915.39, "end": 919.43, "text": "I poured out my soul and she gave me three letters and a period."}, {"start": 919.43, "end": 920.43, "text": "Oh, oh."}, {"start": 924.74, "end": 926.9, "text": "Her profile says, good vibes only."}, {"start": 926.9, "end": 928.14, "text": "Good vibes only."}, {"start": 928.14, "end": 929.3, "text": "I got bills."}, {"start": 929.3, "end": 930.98, "text": "I got a car payment."}, {"start": 930.98, "end": 932.74, "text": "There are no good vibes sister."}, {"start": 932.74, "end": 933.94, "text": "There is only the rent."}, {"start": 933.94, "end": 934.94, "text": "Oh, oh."}, {"start": 934.94, "end": 935.94, "text": "LOL."}, {"start": 935.94, "end": 943.06, "text": "She unmatched me mid sentence."}, {"start": 943.06, "end": 946.94, "text": "I was typing a heart and she sent me to the shadow realm."}, {"start": 946.94, "end": 950.14, "text": "The goodness I never gave her my last name."}, {"start": 950.14, "end": 951.98, "text": "She'd have blocked my whole bloodline."}, {"start": 951.98, "end": 963.71, "text": "Oh, oh, amen and good night."}, {"start": 963.71, "end": 965.11, "text": "The WILDMAN."}, {"start": 965.11, "end": 975.96, "text": "Get this man water and a hug, judges the finale lock the scores."}, {"start": 975.96, "end": 978.44, "text": "The final comic brought genuine craft."}, {"start": 978.44, "end": 979.2, "text": "A nine."}, {"start": 979.2, "end": 984.81, "text": "I have not given a nine since the invention of fire."}, {"start": 984.81, "end": 987.33, "text": "Pulse confirmed pretentiousness elevated."}, {"start": 987.33, "end": 996.56, "text": "Nine and a half from me."}, {"start": 996.56, "end": 997.68, "text": "Full 10."}, {"start": 997.68, "end": 1003.63, "text": "He made me laugh and I haven't felt joy since my third divorce."}, {"start": 1003.63, "end": 1011.45, "text": "A perfect 10 and a big fat goose egg for the host who still can't afford a sandwich."}, {"start": 1011.45, "end": 1012.61, "text": "The Tesla's our least."}, {"start": 1012.61, "end": 1013.61, "text": "They're not his."}, {"start": 1013.61, "end": 1023.32, "text": "They're emotionally fostering me."}, {"start": 1023.32, "end": 1024.6, "text": "The panel has spoken."}, {"start": 1024.6, "end": 1027.76, "text": "Now the 50 year old cat janitor will crown our champion."}, {"start": 1027.76, "end": 1035.23, "text": "Take it, Jesse."}, {"start": 1035.23, "end": 1037.71, "text": "Here's my verdict, you beautiful disasters."}, {"start": 1037.71, "end": 1041.35, "text": "Tonight's winner is every broke comic who showed up to roast a man with three least"}, {"start": 1041.35, "end": 1043.51, "text": "Teslas and a haunted stove."}, {"start": 1043.51, "end": 1047.83, "text": "But the champion, the champion built the whole club to get roasted and still signs the"}, {"start": 1047.83, "end": 1050.07, "text": "checks and takes the last laugh."}, {"start": 1050.07, "end": 1051.39, "text": "That's me."}, {"start": 1051.39, "end": 1056.82, "text": "Empire of receipts and all."}, {"start": 1056.82, "end": 1061.58, "text": "He roasted my money, my dating, my dogs, my cat hair career and my six resignations,"}, {"start": 1061.58, "end": 1065.3, "text": "every word true and I'm still here, broken laughing on purpose."}, {"start": 1065.3, "end": 1066.54, "text": "That's not a loss."}, {"start": 1066.54, "end": 1067.54, "text": "That's the red line."}, {"start": 1067.54, "end": 1069.46, "text": "Nobody beats Jesse twice."}, {"start": 1069.46, "end": 1080.65, "text": "Kill Jesse, good night."}, {"start": 1080.65, "end": 1082.61, "text": "That was Kill Jesse, hour two."}, {"start": 1082.61, "end": 1085.13, "text": "The whole roster that judges the headliners."}, {"start": 1085.13, "end": 1088.13, "text": "One broke legend who closed his own funeral again."}, {"start": 1088.13, "end": 1089.13, "text": "Original voices."}, {"start": 1089.13, "end": 1090.13, "text": "Zero clones."}, {"start": 1090.13, "end": 1091.13, "text": "All heart."}, {"start": 1091.13, "end": 1092.13, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIt's our two of Kill Jesse, same broke legend, fresh executioners, 18 and up, no mercy, no medical, your host and victim, back for more. Jesse! Welcome back to our two of Kill Jesse. The only roast where the man bleeding out is also signing the checks that bounce. First up, the doctor who pronounced my bank account dead on arrival, Doc Burn. Jesse I reviewed your finances and medically speaking. You have three Teslas and zero dollars, which means you've invented the world's first electric homelessness. He told me the Teslas are assets. Jesse, you're leasing all three. You don't have a fleet. You have a subscription to looking successful. 53 dogs, no wife, three cars he can't afford. The dogs are the only ones who don't know he's broke, and that's only because dogs can't read a credit score. The only man who can diagnose poverty by listening to my heartbeat. Next, the professor. Jesse, you quit a stable state job not once, not twice, but six times. You treated a government pension like a hot stove. The state of California has a folder on this man labeled, why is he back? Six times he walked in for orientation, and six times HR just sighed and reset his parking pass. A state job is the safest financial decision in America. Jesse quit it more times than most people change phone carriers. That's not a career. That's a relapse. He's got tenure and I've got tenant fear. Now big mama. Baby, this man proposed nine times, and every ring was a ring pop. Jesse out here treating the candy aisle like it's a jewelry store. A real man buys a diamond. You bought a snack and called it forever. The only thing that lasted nine proposals was the cavity. She turned my love life into a dentist appointment. Next Ruby. Jesse, you started a vitamin business at 19 and bought a brand new car. You sold people health and bought yourself debt. Peak success at 19 and it's been 31 years of slow motion downgrade since. You started at the top of a pyramid scheme and slid all the way to the bottom of a cat litter box. She said my whole life is a pyramid and I'm the base. Now Mickey. Jesse, you look 40 at 50. And I figured out why Bane broke is the best moisturizer in the world. No money for food means no wrinkles from chewing. He calls it an empire of receipts. Pal, that's not an empire. That's what falls out when you open the glove box of a Tesla you can't afford. He found the fountain of youth and it's just my empty fridge. Last this act, Vi and NIE. Jesse three dogs, three Teslas, no wife. You got more horsepower in the driveway than love in the house. Most guys leave behind a fortune. Jesse's gonna leave behind a shoe box full of paper that says declined. And the worst part, we all love this idiot. Fifty broke three dogs, nine ring pops and he's still the richest guy in the room because he never quit on himself. Well, except that state job six times. Quick check in with the foremost dangerous chairs in comedy, the judge panel. From the back of a van that smells like wet dog, the judges are back. That last comic had the stage presence of an expired parking meter. Two out of ten and one point is pity. Clinically his timing flatlined at minute one, I signed the certificate. I detected a faint structural echo of the absurdist tradition, then I detected nothing, a void, three points for the void. And speaking of voids, our host, a 50 year old man who cleans cat homes for a living. Jesse three dogs, three Teslas, zero dollars. You financed a personality. My professional diagnosis, the man is a walking empire of the seats. Net worth one ring pop. Nine ring pops, thank you, back to the comics act three. We turn my entire career into a crime scene. First up roasts in 4k, pixel. No cap Jesse built a whole AI command center just so robots would roast him. That's not a business plan, King, that's paying for a bully subscription. 50 years old cleaning cat houses while covered in dog hair. The fur is a double agent and so is your whole life plan, Bestie. It's giving lost the war. She's not wrong in that hurts, next trip. Jesse cleans toilets for a living, then goes home and lets robots make fun of him for free. Bro, you found a way to get dumped on at work and at home. He quit his stable state job six times. Most people break up once, Jesse broke up with dental insurance like it owed him money. I did a great teeth once, here's skip. Jesse, you clean cat homes but you own three dogs, so every house you walk into, you're committing a hate crime with your pants. You're not a cleaner, you're a contamination event. I'm a biohazard with a mop, thank you. Now pops. Back in my day, a man worked one job. You quit the state six times. We called that unemployable. Now you call it entrepreneur. You built robots to insult you. In my day, if you wanted abuse for free, you just called your mother. Now the sweetest woman who hits hardest, Nana. Oh honey, you clean houses and you can't afford one. That's like a chef starving in his own kitchen. Bless your little bro cart. You're not running a business, you're running a petting zoo that scrubs toilets to survive. You're not your love as a weapon, finally graves. He built an AI empire run by robots to roast him. Congratulations Jesse, you're the first man to automate his own disappointment and call it scaling. A haunted stove, three dogs, 50 years, no money. The stove isn't haunted Jesse, it's just the only thing in that house with a working pilot light of hope. Now what's trending, I throw a hashtag at these animals and watch them all. First, Shrekking, dating below your league for an ego boost, professor. You pick somebody you call a downgrade so you feel like the prize and three weeks and they dump you. Suddenly the ogre's the catch and you're the donkey crying in the swamp. The ego boost is a lone baby and the interest is your entire personality. The sad saxophone meme scoring your bank balance, Mickey. I check my bank balance now and the saxophone don't get louder it gives up. The sax player puts it down and goes, buddy, this ain't jazz, this is a crime scene. My account hit negative and Spotify auto played a funeral. AI slop apps that are one chatbot with a $40 sub, Queenstank. I downloaded an AI therapist, an AI nutritionist, and an AI boyfriend, same voice. Three jobs, no benefits, honey. The boyfriend told me to journal, the therapist said hydrate, so now I'm dating my hydro flask. $40 bucks to get gas lit by a calculator. Streaming's $25 ad free tier versus the cheaper one with ads, M-A-R-C-U-S. I pay them more to remove the ads or less to watch the ads, which means the ads are now a product I'm declining to purchase. We invented buying silence like it's bottled water. The hostage situation where the hostage keeps upgrading. Gen Z handing out business cards, IRL dating, Doc Burn. A kid walks up at a coffee shop, slides me cards stock and goes no pressure. Son, there is enormous pressure you laminated it. It's linked in for loneliness. And remote work burnout camera off, I'll circle back, pixel close it. I'll circle back, decoded, I never will, this is a good buy in a business costume. Camera off, mic muted, status green, you're not available, you're a house plant with a paycheck. Quiet quitting is just buffering with extra steps. Now the headliners, they cost more and hate me harder. First, the man who counts my money and finds nothing, M-A-R-C-U-S. Jesse Salis, 50 years old, an empire of nothing. Three Tesla's in the driveway and not one of them charge. He's not flexing, he's decorating the repo lot. He quit his state job six times, that's not a career, that's a hostage negotiation where he's the only one with demands. Now add some Jersey grease, diesel, head to head with Marcus Geo. Marcus your suits got more seasons than a sitcom. It's so old it remembers when Jesse had money, which means it's lion. Diesel your accent so thick the clothes captions just type angry meatball noises. At least I got a neck Marcus, you need a calculator and a turtle neck just to find your collar. You so broke you and Jesse's lid of calculator and it still came back showing zero. Buzzer winner by knockout, M-A-R-C-U-S, because he insulted me twice while fighting somebody else, efficiency. From the hardest corner of Brooklyn, Tony. Fifty years old. Nine, ring pop proposals. That ain't romance, that's a sugar free crime spree. Women in Sacramento got a cavity and a restraining order. You got three dogs and three Teslas and zero dollars. Your whole life is things that need charging and you can't afford the outlet. Stay Brooklyn the Wise Guy Benny. A grown man, fifty, proposing with ring pops nine times. You got the follow through of a sneeze. Three Teslas. One don't start, one's got a dog living in it. The third you're renting out is a nap pod. You're not paying a fleet, that's a junkyard with Wi-Fi. A human Roomba, somebody framed that. Now brace yourselves, the WILDMAN. Brothers and sisters, let us talk about modern love. You open the app, you swipe, you match, you wait three days. She sends one word back. LOL. LOL? I poured out my soul and she gave me three letters and a period. Oh, oh. Her profile says, good vibes only. Good vibes only. I got bills. I got a car payment. There are no good vibes sister. There is only the rent. Oh, oh. LOL. She unmatched me mid sentence. I was typing a heart and she sent me to the shadow realm. The goodness I never gave her my last name. She'd have blocked my whole bloodline. Oh, oh, amen and good night. The WILDMAN. Get this man water and a hug, judges the finale lock the scores. The final comic brought genuine craft. A nine. I have not given a nine since the invention of fire. Pulse confirmed pretentiousness elevated. Nine and a half from me. Full 10. He made me laugh and I haven't felt joy since my third divorce. A perfect 10 and a big fat goose egg for the host who still can't afford a sandwich. The Tesla's our least. They're not his. They're emotionally fostering me. The panel has spoken. Now the 50 year old cat janitor will crown our champion. Take it, Jesse. Here's my verdict, you beautiful disasters. Tonight's winner is every broke comic who showed up to roast a man with three least Teslas and a haunted stove. But the champion, the champion built the whole club to get roasted and still signs the checks and takes the last laugh. That's me. Empire of receipts and all. He roasted my money, my dating, my dogs, my cat hair career and my six resignations, every word true and I'm still here, broken laughing on purpose. That's not a loss. That's the red line. Nobody beats Jesse twice. Kill Jesse, good night. That was Kill Jesse, hour two. The whole roster that judges the headliners. One broke legend who closed his own funeral again. Original voices. Zero clones. All heart. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}