{"file": "audio/vault/327_kill_jesse_hour1.mp3", "duration_sec": 1417.1, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.2, "text": "Live from the Red Line Comedy Club,"}, {"start": 2.2, "end": 4.8, "text": "it's the show the whole internet's been waiting for."}, {"start": 4.8, "end": 6.7, "text": "The open mic where the whole roster"}, {"start": 6.7, "end": 9.0, "text": "lines up to Barry One Brokeman."}, {"start": 9.0, "end": 13.08, "text": "This is Kill Jesse, 18 and up, no mercy, no medical."}, {"start": 13.08, "end": 22.4, "text": "Your host and human punching bag, Jesse."}, {"start": 22.4, "end": 24.32, "text": "Welcome you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 24.32, "end": 26.68, "text": "Tonight, a full bench, a panel of judges,"}, {"start": 26.68, "end": 29.44, "text": "headliner features a roast battle and one rule."}, {"start": 29.44, "end": 32.32, "text": "Everybody roasts me and I still close the show."}, {"start": 32.32, "end": 35.67, "text": "Let's Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 36.67, "end": 39.67, "text": "Welcome to Kill Jesse, the only open mic"}, {"start": 39.67, "end": 42.67, "text": "where six comics line up to roast me into the dirt."}, {"start": 42.67, "end": 45.67, "text": "And I pay for the drinks, act one, let's go."}, {"start": 45.67, "end": 55.21, "text": "First up, a man who's been on stage longer than I've held any job."}, {"start": 55.21, "end": 57.21, "text": "Give it up for Mickey."}, {"start": 57.21, "end": 59.21, "text": "So this is Jesse."}, {"start": 59.21, "end": 62.21, "text": "50 years old, three dogs, no wife, no kids."}, {"start": 62.21, "end": 65.21, "text": "The man built a whole family out of things"}, {"start": 65.21, "end": 70.61, "text": "that legally can't leave him."}, {"start": 70.61, "end": 73.61, "text": "He cleans houses for a living and cat houses."}, {"start": 73.61, "end": 78.61, "text": "So when he says he picks up strays, he means professionally and romantically."}, {"start": 78.61, "end": 85.13, "text": "50 years old and he looks 40."}, {"start": 85.13, "end": 86.13, "text": "You know why?"}, {"start": 86.13, "end": 89.13, "text": "Stress ages you and nothing's ever depended on him."}, {"start": 89.13, "end": 100.56, "text": "Get him off my stage, bring up the meanest mouth in the room, V-I-N-N-I-E."}, {"start": 100.56, "end": 104.45, "text": "Jesse quit a state job six times."}, {"start": 104.45, "end": 105.45, "text": "Six."}, {"start": 105.45, "end": 109.45, "text": "This man looked at a pension, full benefits and a 401k and went."}, {"start": 109.45, "end": 112.45, "text": "Now, I'd rather scrub a litter box."}, {"start": 112.45, "end": 116.75, "text": "He's on his third Tesla."}, {"start": 116.75, "end": 120.75, "text": "No house, no wife, no savings, but the car autopilots."}, {"start": 120.75, "end": 124.75, "text": "Finally something in his life that drives itself because he sure can't."}, {"start": 129.26, "end": 132.26, "text": "He talks to his dogs, full conversations, and honestly,"}, {"start": 132.26, "end": 135.26, "text": "those three dogs have heard more proposals than any woman"}, {"start": 135.26, "end": 138.26, "text": "because at least they stick around for the answer."}, {"start": 138.26, "end": 145.77, "text": "That hurt and I let it."}, {"start": 145.77, "end": 147.77, "text": "Here comes the burn unit himself, Doc Burn."}, {"start": 151.2, "end": 154.2, "text": "Let's check the chart patient male 50 presents his 40."}, {"start": 154.2, "end": 157.2, "text": "Diagnosis never had a problem big enough to age him."}, {"start": 157.2, "end": 161.2, "text": "Prescription, a single responsibility taken once."}, {"start": 161.2, "end": 169.63, "text": "He started a vitamin business at 19, bought a new car at 19, peaked at 19."}, {"start": 169.63, "end": 172.63, "text": "The next 31 years were just the receipt printing."}, {"start": 172.63, "end": 180.21, "text": "He proposed nine times with ring pops."}, {"start": 180.21, "end": 184.21, "text": "Nine women looked at a candy ring and made the same medical decision."}, {"start": 184.21, "end": 185.21, "text": "Do not resuscitate."}, {"start": 191.23, "end": 193.23, "text": "She terrifies me and I invited her anyway."}, {"start": 193.23, "end": 196.23, "text": "Put your hands together for Queen's tank."}, {"start": 196.23, "end": 201.23, "text": "Jessie, baby, you 50 and single, broke and beautiful."}, {"start": 201.23, "end": 204.23, "text": "You the human equivalent of a clearance rack nobody check."}, {"start": 204.23, "end": 211.78, "text": "You clean houses and cat homes."}, {"start": 211.78, "end": 214.78, "text": "So your whole career is following something that don't respect you"}, {"start": 214.78, "end": 216.78, "text": "and cleaning up after it."}, {"start": 216.78, "end": 218.78, "text": "Same as your love life, sugar."}, {"start": 218.78, "end": 225.92, "text": "Three Teslas, nine proposals, zero wives."}, {"start": 225.92, "end": 228.92, "text": "You spend money like a rich man and get loved like a stray."}, {"start": 228.92, "end": 231.92, "text": "Honey, the math ain't mathin'."}, {"start": 232.92, "end": 238.83, "text": "Myself a steam just filed for divorce."}, {"start": 238.83, "end": 242.83, "text": "Welcome the largest presence in comedy, Big Mama."}, {"start": 242.83, "end": 245.83, "text": "Jessie out here propossin nine times with ring pops."}, {"start": 245.83, "end": 248.83, "text": "Baby, a ring pop melt in your pocket."}, {"start": 248.83, "end": 251.83, "text": "That's the longest commitment you ever made."}, {"start": 251.83, "end": 256.39, "text": "Three dogs and no woman."}, {"start": 256.39, "end": 259.39, "text": "So every night it's four creatures in that bed sniffin'"}, {"start": 259.39, "end": 262.39, "text": "for somebody to feed them and Jessie the only one who can't."}, {"start": 262.39, "end": 270.78, "text": "He talked to his dogs all day, full sentences."}, {"start": 270.78, "end": 272.78, "text": "The dogs look in at each other like."}, {"start": 272.78, "end": 275.78, "text": "This the sixth job he quit to stay home and bother us."}, {"start": 275.78, "end": 285.02, "text": "Last one this act, she's small, she's sweet, she's lethal, give it up for Ruby."}, {"start": 285.02, "end": 291.62, "text": "Ah, Jessie, 50 years old looks 40, acts 19."}, {"start": 291.62, "end": 294.62, "text": "You're not aging well, you're just buffering."}, {"start": 294.62, "end": 300.86, "text": "You quit a stable government job six times to scoop litter."}, {"start": 300.86, "end": 305.86, "text": "Somewhere a career counselor saw your file and walked into the sea."}, {"start": 305.86, "end": 314.53, "text": "But here's the thing broke, single three dogs, nine failed ring pops,"}, {"start": 314.53, "end": 316.53, "text": "and you're still the happiest man in this room."}, {"start": 316.53, "end": 319.53, "text": "That's not a punchline, that's just rude."}, {"start": 319.53, "end": 323.81, "text": "Ruby, you forgot one thing."}, {"start": 323.81, "end": 327.81, "text": "The Tesla's the only thing with a warranty and the only thing that's never left me."}, {"start": 327.81, "end": 338.02, "text": "Beat that. Act two baby, the body's still warm."}, {"start": 338.02, "end": 342.02, "text": "First up a man with three degrees and zero chill, the professor."}, {"start": 342.02, "end": 348.97, "text": "Jessie, I've studied human behavior for 30 years and you are a fascinating case."}, {"start": 348.97, "end": 351.97, "text": "A man who quit the same state job six times."}, {"start": 351.97, "end": 356.97, "text": "That's not a career path, that's a hostage situation where you keep escaping and breaking back in."}, {"start": 356.97, "end": 367.42, "text": "You don't fear commitment sir, you fear the deposit being non-refundable."}, {"start": 367.42, "end": 371.42, "text": "Nine ring pop proposals, zero weddings."}, {"start": 371.42, "end": 377.84, "text": "He's got tenure and a vendetta."}, {"start": 377.84, "end": 382.63, "text": "Next, fresh off the group chat pixel."}, {"start": 382.63, "end": 392.06, "text": "Okay so Jessie is 50, but looks 40 which is crazy because his bank account looks like it's three."}, {"start": 392.06, "end": 396.06, "text": "Bro built a whole AI comedy empire to get roasted in peace."}, {"start": 396.06, "end": 404.7, "text": "That's not a flex, that's filing for emotional bankruptcy."}, {"start": 404.7, "end": 416.86, "text": "He's on his third Tesla but the autopilot's like sir, we have no destination, you're unemployed, where are we going?"}, {"start": 416.86, "end": 420.86, "text": "Gen Z assassin, coming up the man the legend the liability trip."}, {"start": 420.86, "end": 427.29, "text": "This man has three dogs, three Teslas and three jobs and somehow zero dollars."}, {"start": 427.29, "end": 429.29, "text": "The math is a magic trick."}, {"start": 429.29, "end": 437.61, "text": "You started a vitamin business and bought a new car at 19."}, {"start": 437.61, "end": 441.61, "text": "50 years of hustle and your retirement plan is get famous for being broke."}, {"start": 441.61, "end": 448.9, "text": "It's working brother, we're all here."}, {"start": 448.9, "end": 451.9, "text": "Next low energy high damage skip."}, {"start": 451.9, "end": 454.9, "text": "So Jessie proposed nine times with ring pops."}, {"start": 454.9, "end": 461.3, "text": "Nine, the candy aisle has a restraining order."}, {"start": 461.3, "end": 463.3, "text": "You quit a state job six times."}, {"start": 463.3, "end": 468.3, "text": "The state of California has you saved in their phone as do not rehire but we sure tried."}, {"start": 468.3, "end": 479.88, "text": "Now the oldest soul in the building pops."}, {"start": 479.88, "end": 488.88, "text": "Son I'm 72 and even I think you make bad decisions and I once invested my pension in a fax machine company."}, {"start": 488.88, "end": 495.02, "text": "Back in my day we married the first person who tolerated us."}, {"start": 495.02, "end": 499.02, "text": "You found nine and chickened out every time with candy."}, {"start": 499.02, "end": 508.01, "text": "Closing the act the one and only NIKKI."}, {"start": 508.01, "end": 518.43, "text": "Jessie, you're 50 single and you clean cat homes for a living."}, {"start": 518.43, "end": 523.43, "text": "You are literally a crazy cat, ladies origin story."}, {"start": 523.43, "end": 534.43, "text": "You broke gorgeous at 50 and you built a robot army just to insult yourself."}, {"start": 534.43, "end": 537.43, "text": "That's not comedy."}, {"start": 537.43, "end": 541.43, "text": "That's a cry for help with great lighting."}, {"start": 541.43, "end": 547.58, "text": "But here's the thing, baby three dogs love you."}, {"start": 547.58, "end": 553.58, "text": "Three Tesla's left you and a whole room paid to roast you."}, {"start": 553.58, "end": 561.22, "text": "You're winning and you don't even know it."}, {"start": 561.22, "end": 568.22, "text": "NIKKI the robot army works for free and never proposed to anybody so technically they're smarter than me and my exes."}, {"start": 568.22, "end": 569.22, "text": "Moving on."}, {"start": 569.22, "end": 577.36, "text": "Halfway through the slaughter."}, {"start": 577.36, "end": 580.36, "text": "Let's check in with the four most dangerous chairs in comedy."}, {"start": 580.36, "end": 587.74, "text": "The Kill Jesse Judge Panel."}, {"start": 587.74, "end": 589.74, "text": "Thank heaven you asked Jesse."}, {"start": 589.74, "end": 593.74, "text": "These comics tonight came to play and I came to judge like thunder."}, {"start": 593.74, "end": 594.74, "text": "Honey thunder."}, {"start": 594.74, "end": 596.74, "text": "You're a clearance rack weatherman."}, {"start": 596.74, "end": 598.74, "text": "But find that last comic."}, {"start": 598.74, "end": 602.74, "text": "Sweaty, shaky and somehow still funnier than this host."}, {"start": 602.74, "end": 604.74, "text": "I give him a seven."}, {"start": 604.74, "end": 611.14, "text": "Clinically the kids bit had a strong pulse but a weak punchline."}, {"start": 611.14, "end": 614.14, "text": "I'm prescribing a six and two weeks of writing every day."}, {"start": 614.14, "end": 620.86, "text": "A six the boy committed structural arson on his own setup."}, {"start": 620.86, "end": 622.86, "text": "I give him a four and a syllabus."}, {"start": 622.86, "end": 634.47, "text": "Professor, nobody's read a book since you started talking."}, {"start": 634.47, "end": 644.13, "text": "I examine Jesse's bank account cause of death broke the time of death every single payday."}, {"start": 644.13, "end": 646.13, "text": "Nine ring pop proposals baby."}, {"start": 646.13, "end": 647.13, "text": "Nine."}, {"start": 647.13, "end": 655.72, "text": "This man has spent more on candy jewelry than rent."}, {"start": 655.72, "end": 665.47, "text": "She said yes the 10th time to the dog back to the COMICS Act 3."}, {"start": 665.47, "end": 671.47, "text": "Six women lined up to roast a 50 year old man who lives with three dogs and zero women."}, {"start": 671.47, "end": 674.47, "text": "First up, sweet till she cuts you Nana."}, {"start": 674.47, "end": 681.93, "text": "Jesse Honey, 50 years old and you proposed nine times with a ring pop."}, {"start": 681.93, "end": 687.93, "text": "Nine women looked at that candy ring and said no with their mouth full of your sugar."}, {"start": 695.23, "end": 704.67, "text": "That's not a proposal baby. That's a snack with commitment issues."}, {"start": 704.67, "end": 710.53, "text": "She brought a knife to a candy fight next up sugar."}, {"start": 710.53, "end": 714.53, "text": "Ah Jesse you look 40 at 50 and by took care of yourself."}, {"start": 714.53, "end": 718.53, "text": "I mean you dodged a wife and kids like they were sniper fire."}, {"start": 718.53, "end": 732.31, "text": "No stress lines, no gray hairs, just three dogs and the smell of someone else's cat litter."}, {"start": 732.31, "end": 735.31, "text": "Sweet then savage, put your hands together for Jess."}, {"start": 735.31, "end": 739.31, "text": "Jesse I matched with you on a dating app and your bio said loves long walks."}, {"start": 739.31, "end": 745.31, "text": "Sir those are dog walks, you poop bag for three and called it a personality."}, {"start": 745.31, "end": 754.78, "text": "Your love language isn't quality time, it's who's a good boy and it ain't you."}, {"start": 754.78, "end": 765.06, "text": "Now dead inside and proud graves."}, {"start": 765.06, "end": 769.06, "text": "Jesse talks to his dogs one day one of them answered."}, {"start": 769.06, "end": 775.06, "text": "That was the most meaningful conversation he's had with anything that breathes in nine years."}, {"start": 776.06, "end": 785.7, "text": "He's not single he's in a thruple with a lab in two strays who tolerate him."}, {"start": 785.7, "end": 794.06, "text": "Deadpan demolition, royalty in the building, duchess."}, {"start": 794.06, "end": 801.38, "text": "Jesse you clean cat homes for a living and go home to dogs."}, {"start": 801.38, "end": 806.38, "text": "You spend all day on your knees scrubbing for a woman who isn't yours and never will be."}, {"start": 812.3, "end": 817.3, "text": "50 broke three dogs no woman smells like pine salt and regret, the full bouquet."}, {"start": 824.54, "end": 829.91, "text": "She read the whole rap sheet closing it out Beck."}, {"start": 829.91, "end": 831.91, "text": "Jesse nine ring pop proposals."}, {"start": 831.91, "end": 836.91, "text": "You're so broke your engagement ring came in a flavor and dissolved before she said no."}, {"start": 837.91, "end": 850.18, "text": "But here's the truth, Jesse 50 single three dogs still showing up and still smiling."}, {"start": 850.18, "end": 861.14, "text": "We roast you because you're the most lovable broke bastard in Sacramento and we mean it."}, {"start": 861.14, "end": 864.14, "text": "Beck I'd marry you but I can't afford the down payment on the candy."}, {"start": 865.14, "end": 867.14, "text": "Last laugh's mine trending time."}, {"start": 867.14, "end": 875.1, "text": "It's what's trending where my comics drag the internet by its hair."}, {"start": 875.1, "end": 879.1, "text": "First the sad penguin burnout meme, M-A-R-C-U-S."}, {"start": 879.1, "end": 887.42, "text": "A cartoon penguin slumped over a desk and 40 million people went, that's me."}, {"start": 887.42, "end": 890.42, "text": "That's not a meme, that's a diagnosis."}, {"start": 890.42, "end": 894.42, "text": "A flightless bird that can't get out of bed is our national mascot now."}, {"start": 895.42, "end": 905.92, "text": "Streaming serial churners subscribe binge cancel vanish professor."}, {"start": 908.92, "end": 913.92, "text": "The modern human now commits to a TV service for the exact length of a probation period."}, {"start": 913.92, "end": 918.92, "text": "And they charge $25 for an ad free tier, that's not a subscription, that's a ransom note."}, {"start": 918.92, "end": 922.92, "text": "Nice attention you got there, shame if somebody interrupted it."}, {"start": 923.92, "end": 932.38, "text": "AI agents that book the wrong flight and make it your fault, Doc Burn."}, {"start": 932.38, "end": 937.38, "text": "My AI booked me to the wrong city then said I apologize for any confusion this may have caused."}, {"start": 937.38, "end": 941.38, "text": "May, I'm in a different time zone and bucket of guesses."}, {"start": 941.38, "end": 951.93, "text": "Every app now is three chat box in a trench coat."}, {"start": 951.93, "end": 955.93, "text": "Somebody stole 400,000 kit cats off a truck, Queenstank."}, {"start": 955.93, "end": 965.0, "text": "No injuries, no victims, just one man somewhere with the best break room on earth."}, {"start": 965.0, "end": 969.0, "text": "They asked his motive, honey the motive was the slogan."}, {"start": 969.0, "end": 971.0, "text": "He finally took a break."}, {"start": 979.92, "end": 982.92, "text": "Gen Z quit the apps for business cards Mickey."}, {"start": 982.92, "end": 986.92, "text": "A 22 year old handed me card stock like he's a plumber."}, {"start": 986.92, "end": 990.92, "text": "Hit me up, I do romance and minor drywall."}, {"start": 990.92, "end": 994.92, "text": "We didn't fix dating, we just moved the rejection outdoors."}, {"start": 995.92, "end": 1005.95, "text": "And the vibe check catfish, great over text, disaster in person, pixel close it."}, {"start": 1005.95, "end": 1013.78, "text": "We texted three months poetry, dreams, then I met him and the chemistry just didn't render."}, {"start": 1013.78, "end": 1019.78, "text": "He was perfect at 4G and unwatchable in 4K you can't auto correct a personality."}, {"start": 1019.78, "end": 1031.47, "text": "That's trending, now the part you came for the headliners all the way from Brooklyn the Wise Guy Benny."}, {"start": 1036.21, "end": 1044.21, "text": "Jesse 50, you got the body of an athlete and the bank account of a teenager running a lemonade stand in the rain."}, {"start": 1045.21, "end": 1052.87, "text": "You quit your state job six times, you know how hard you got to work to fail at quitting?"}, {"start": 1052.87, "end": 1057.87, "text": "It's not a career, it's a revolving door to building nobody wants to enter."}, {"start": 1057.87, "end": 1065.87, "text": "Three Tesla's Jesse, three, you can't afford one, so you got three."}, {"start": 1065.87, "end": 1069.87, "text": "That's not a flex, that's a cry for help with autopilot."}, {"start": 1069.87, "end": 1074.92, "text": "Now bring out the other Brooklyn animal, Tony."}, {"start": 1074.92, "end": 1076.92, "text": "Benny Tony head to head right now."}, {"start": 1076.92, "end": 1083.13, "text": "Benny, you've been doing the same set since flip phones."}, {"start": 1083.13, "end": 1086.13, "text": "Your material's so old, it quit a state job before Jesse did."}, {"start": 1086.13, "end": 1094.13, "text": "Tony, your face looks like a catcher's mitt that lost the fight with another catcher's mitt."}, {"start": 1094.13, "end": 1102.08, "text": "At least I got a face, you got a head that looks like a thumb wearing a tracksuit."}, {"start": 1102.08, "end": 1112.02, "text": "Tony, your wife left you so fast she left Jesse's 9x fiance on the way out."}, {"start": 1112.02, "end": 1119.15, "text": "You bombed so hard last week, they renamed the club after the crater."}, {"start": 1119.15, "end": 1123.15, "text": "I got to give it to Benny by a nose, Tony your nose specifically."}, {"start": 1123.15, "end": 1135.24, "text": "The human bulldozer diesel."}, {"start": 1135.24, "end": 1144.24, "text": "Jesse, you started a vitamin business at 19, selling health while building the most stressed out broke man and sacrameno."}, {"start": 1144.24, "end": 1150.1, "text": "Doctor, healed I wallet."}, {"start": 1150.1, "end": 1154.1, "text": "You quit a state job six times."}, {"start": 1154.1, "end": 1162.1, "text": "The state of California sees your name now and just goes, again, leave the badge, take the granola bar."}, {"start": 1162.1, "end": 1171.02, "text": "The Money Man, M-A-R-C-U-S."}, {"start": 1171.02, "end": 1174.02, "text": "Jesse's got an empire, an empire of receipts."}, {"start": 1174.02, "end": 1179.02, "text": "He's a CEO, chief empty pockets officer, three Teslas, zero dollars."}, {"start": 1179.02, "end": 1183.02, "text": "Your credit score is so low it cleans cat houses too."}, {"start": 1183.02, "end": 1198.19, "text": "But here's the thing, broke single 53 dogs and the man still smiling, which is poor guy I ever met."}, {"start": 1198.19, "end": 1203.19, "text": "And now brace yourselves, the screaming preacher of heartbreak, the WILD Mian."}, {"start": 1203.19, "end": 1213.42, "text": "Let me tell you about love."}, {"start": 1213.42, "end": 1215.42, "text": "Love is a quiet thing."}, {"start": 1215.42, "end": 1220.42, "text": "It comes soft, it comes gentle, and then you get married."}, {"start": 1220.42, "end": 1223.42, "text": "And the quiet is gone."}, {"start": 1223.42, "end": 1229.73, "text": "Oh, Jesse proposed nine times with candy."}, {"start": 1229.73, "end": 1233.73, "text": "And every woman looked at that ring pop and said the same thing."}, {"start": 1233.73, "end": 1239.17, "text": "Calls suggest no."}, {"start": 1239.17, "end": 1241.17, "text": "But not the wall man."}, {"start": 1241.17, "end": 1245.17, "text": "I said yes, and she took the house, the car, the dog."}, {"start": 1245.17, "end": 1248.17, "text": "I had three Teslas like Jesse."}, {"start": 1248.17, "end": 1252.17, "text": "She got two in the divorce and the third one drove itself to her lawyer."}, {"start": 1252.17, "end": 1270.02, "text": "Oh, so you want to get married, you want to feel alive, then propose with a real ring you cheap beautiful man."}, {"start": 1270.02, "end": 1276.0, "text": "The WILD Mian, everybody."}, {"start": 1276.0, "end": 1285.43, "text": "Somebody get him a juice box and a lawyer."}, {"start": 1285.43, "end": 1288.43, "text": "Judges wear at the finale, lock the scores."}, {"start": 1294.86, "end": 1298.86, "text": "I must concede the tall ones closer was, dare I say, competent."}, {"start": 1298.86, "end": 1299.86, "text": "A nine."}, {"start": 1299.86, "end": 1302.86, "text": "I have not given a nine since the invention of the semicolon."}, {"start": 1305.42, "end": 1309.42, "text": "I concur strong vitals, clean delivery, no flatlines."}, {"start": 1309.42, "end": 1312.42, "text": "A nine and a clean bill of comedy health."}, {"start": 1312.42, "end": 1314.42, "text": "A nine from both you cheap skates."}, {"start": 1314.42, "end": 1323.44, "text": "She earned a ten and a standing ovation on two fabulous to actually stand for."}, {"start": 1323.44, "end": 1333.58, "text": "I give her an eleven because I cannot count and I refuse to learn."}, {"start": 1333.58, "end": 1335.58, "text": "The dogs have a better credit score than the host."}, {"start": 1335.58, "end": 1342.1, "text": "All three combined and separately."}, {"start": 1342.1, "end": 1345.1, "text": "But the scores are locked and only one man can swing the axe."}, {"start": 1345.1, "end": 1347.1, "text": "Crown your winner, host."}, {"start": 1347.1, "end": 1353.08, "text": "Here's my verdict, you beautiful disasters."}, {"start": 1353.08, "end": 1360.08, "text": "The winner of Kill Jesse tonight is every broke comic who showed up to a basement on a Friday to roast a man with three dogs and no plan."}, {"start": 1360.08, "end": 1366.08, "text": "But the champion, the champion's the guy who built the whole club to get roasted and still takes the last laugh."}, {"start": 1366.08, "end": 1369.08, "text": "That's me, always me."}, {"start": 1370.08, "end": 1378.16, "text": "You roasted my dogs, my Teslas, my nine ring pops, my six resignations and my empire of receipts."}, {"start": 1378.16, "end": 1382.16, "text": "And every word was true and I'm still standing here laughing on purpose."}, {"start": 1382.16, "end": 1386.16, "text": "That's not sad. That's the red line. Nobody beats Jesse twice."}, {"start": 1386.16, "end": 1397.44, "text": "Kill Jesse, good night."}, {"start": 1397.44, "end": 1404.44, "text": "You just witnessed Kill Jesse, the whole roster, the judges, the headliners and one broke legend who closed his own funeral."}, {"start": 1404.44, "end": 1407.44, "text": "Original voices, zero clones, all heart."}, {"start": 1407.44, "end": 1409.44, "text": "Good night to animals, Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLive from the Red Line Comedy Club, it's the show the whole internet's been waiting for. The open mic where the whole roster lines up to Barry One Brokeman. This is Kill Jesse, 18 and up, no mercy, no medical. Your host and human punching bag, Jesse. Welcome you beautiful degenerates. Tonight, a full bench, a panel of judges, headliner features a roast battle and one rule. Everybody roasts me and I still close the show. Let's Kill Jesse. Welcome to Kill Jesse, the only open mic where six comics line up to roast me into the dirt. And I pay for the drinks, act one, let's go. First up, a man who's been on stage longer than I've held any job. Give it up for Mickey. So this is Jesse. 50 years old, three dogs, no wife, no kids. The man built a whole family out of things that legally can't leave him. He cleans houses for a living and cat houses. So when he says he picks up strays, he means professionally and romantically. 50 years old and he looks 40. You know why? Stress ages you and nothing's ever depended on him. Get him off my stage, bring up the meanest mouth in the room, V-I-N-N-I-E. Jesse quit a state job six times. Six. This man looked at a pension, full benefits and a 401k and went. Now, I'd rather scrub a litter box. He's on his third Tesla. No house, no wife, no savings, but the car autopilots. Finally something in his life that drives itself because he sure can't. He talks to his dogs, full conversations, and honestly, those three dogs have heard more proposals than any woman because at least they stick around for the answer. That hurt and I let it. Here comes the burn unit himself, Doc Burn. Let's check the chart patient male 50 presents his 40. Diagnosis never had a problem big enough to age him. Prescription, a single responsibility taken once. He started a vitamin business at 19, bought a new car at 19, peaked at 19. The next 31 years were just the receipt printing. He proposed nine times with ring pops. Nine women looked at a candy ring and made the same medical decision. Do not resuscitate. She terrifies me and I invited her anyway. Put your hands together for Queen's tank. Jessie, baby, you 50 and single, broke and beautiful. You the human equivalent of a clearance rack nobody check. You clean houses and cat homes. So your whole career is following something that don't respect you and cleaning up after it. Same as your love life, sugar. Three Teslas, nine proposals, zero wives. You spend money like a rich man and get loved like a stray. Honey, the math ain't mathin'. Myself a steam just filed for divorce. Welcome the largest presence in comedy, Big Mama. Jessie out here propossin nine times with ring pops. Baby, a ring pop melt in your pocket. That's the longest commitment you ever made. Three dogs and no woman. So every night it's four creatures in that bed sniffin' for somebody to feed them and Jessie the only one who can't. He talked to his dogs all day, full sentences. The dogs look in at each other like. This the sixth job he quit to stay home and bother us. Last one this act, she's small, she's sweet, she's lethal, give it up for Ruby. Ah, Jessie, 50 years old looks 40, acts 19. You're not aging well, you're just buffering. You quit a stable government job six times to scoop litter. Somewhere a career counselor saw your file and walked into the sea. But here's the thing broke, single three dogs, nine failed ring pops, and you're still the happiest man in this room. That's not a punchline, that's just rude. Ruby, you forgot one thing. The Tesla's the only thing with a warranty and the only thing that's never left me. Beat that. Act two baby, the body's still warm. First up a man with three degrees and zero chill, the professor. Jessie, I've studied human behavior for 30 years and you are a fascinating case. A man who quit the same state job six times. That's not a career path, that's a hostage situation where you keep escaping and breaking back in. You don't fear commitment sir, you fear the deposit being non-refundable. Nine ring pop proposals, zero weddings. He's got tenure and a vendetta. Next, fresh off the group chat pixel. Okay so Jessie is 50, but looks 40 which is crazy because his bank account looks like it's three. Bro built a whole AI comedy empire to get roasted in peace. That's not a flex, that's filing for emotional bankruptcy. He's on his third Tesla but the autopilot's like sir, we have no destination, you're unemployed, where are we going? Gen Z assassin, coming up the man the legend the liability trip. This man has three dogs, three Teslas and three jobs and somehow zero dollars. The math is a magic trick. You started a vitamin business and bought a new car at 19. 50 years of hustle and your retirement plan is get famous for being broke. It's working brother, we're all here. Next low energy high damage skip. So Jessie proposed nine times with ring pops. Nine, the candy aisle has a restraining order. You quit a state job six times. The state of California has you saved in their phone as do not rehire but we sure tried. Now the oldest soul in the building pops. Son I'm 72 and even I think you make bad decisions and I once invested my pension in a fax machine company. Back in my day we married the first person who tolerated us. You found nine and chickened out every time with candy. Closing the act the one and only NIKKI. Jessie, you're 50 single and you clean cat homes for a living. You are literally a crazy cat, ladies origin story. You broke gorgeous at 50 and you built a robot army just to insult yourself. That's not comedy. That's a cry for help with great lighting. But here's the thing, baby three dogs love you. Three Tesla's left you and a whole room paid to roast you. You're winning and you don't even know it. NIKKI the robot army works for free and never proposed to anybody so technically they're smarter than me and my exes. Moving on. Halfway through the slaughter. Let's check in with the four most dangerous chairs in comedy. The Kill Jesse Judge Panel. Thank heaven you asked Jesse. These comics tonight came to play and I came to judge like thunder. Honey thunder. You're a clearance rack weatherman. But find that last comic. Sweaty, shaky and somehow still funnier than this host. I give him a seven. Clinically the kids bit had a strong pulse but a weak punchline. I'm prescribing a six and two weeks of writing every day. A six the boy committed structural arson on his own setup. I give him a four and a syllabus. Professor, nobody's read a book since you started talking. I examine Jesse's bank account cause of death broke the time of death every single payday. Nine ring pop proposals baby. Nine. This man has spent more on candy jewelry than rent. She said yes the 10th time to the dog back to the COMICS Act 3. Six women lined up to roast a 50 year old man who lives with three dogs and zero women. First up, sweet till she cuts you Nana. Jesse Honey, 50 years old and you proposed nine times with a ring pop. Nine women looked at that candy ring and said no with their mouth full of your sugar. That's not a proposal baby. That's a snack with commitment issues. She brought a knife to a candy fight next up sugar. Ah Jesse you look 40 at 50 and by took care of yourself. I mean you dodged a wife and kids like they were sniper fire. No stress lines, no gray hairs, just three dogs and the smell of someone else's cat litter. Sweet then savage, put your hands together for Jess. Jesse I matched with you on a dating app and your bio said loves long walks. Sir those are dog walks, you poop bag for three and called it a personality. Your love language isn't quality time, it's who's a good boy and it ain't you. Now dead inside and proud graves. Jesse talks to his dogs one day one of them answered. That was the most meaningful conversation he's had with anything that breathes in nine years. He's not single he's in a thruple with a lab in two strays who tolerate him. Deadpan demolition, royalty in the building, duchess. Jesse you clean cat homes for a living and go home to dogs. You spend all day on your knees scrubbing for a woman who isn't yours and never will be. 50 broke three dogs no woman smells like pine salt and regret, the full bouquet. She read the whole rap sheet closing it out Beck. Jesse nine ring pop proposals. You're so broke your engagement ring came in a flavor and dissolved before she said no. But here's the truth, Jesse 50 single three dogs still showing up and still smiling. We roast you because you're the most lovable broke bastard in Sacramento and we mean it. Beck I'd marry you but I can't afford the down payment on the candy. Last laugh's mine trending time. It's what's trending where my comics drag the internet by its hair. First the sad penguin burnout meme, M-A-R-C-U-S. A cartoon penguin slumped over a desk and 40 million people went, that's me. That's not a meme, that's a diagnosis. A flightless bird that can't get out of bed is our national mascot now. Streaming serial churners subscribe binge cancel vanish professor. The modern human now commits to a TV service for the exact length of a probation period. And they charge $25 for an ad free tier, that's not a subscription, that's a ransom note. Nice attention you got there, shame if somebody interrupted it. AI agents that book the wrong flight and make it your fault, Doc Burn. My AI booked me to the wrong city then said I apologize for any confusion this may have caused. May, I'm in a different time zone and bucket of guesses. Every app now is three chat box in a trench coat. Somebody stole 400,000 kit cats off a truck, Queenstank. No injuries, no victims, just one man somewhere with the best break room on earth. They asked his motive, honey the motive was the slogan. He finally took a break. Gen Z quit the apps for business cards Mickey. A 22 year old handed me card stock like he's a plumber. Hit me up, I do romance and minor drywall. We didn't fix dating, we just moved the rejection outdoors. And the vibe check catfish, great over text, disaster in person, pixel close it. We texted three months poetry, dreams, then I met him and the chemistry just didn't render. He was perfect at 4G and unwatchable in 4K you can't auto correct a personality. That's trending, now the part you came for the headliners all the way from Brooklyn the Wise Guy Benny. Jesse 50, you got the body of an athlete and the bank account of a teenager running a lemonade stand in the rain. You quit your state job six times, you know how hard you got to work to fail at quitting? It's not a career, it's a revolving door to building nobody wants to enter. Three Tesla's Jesse, three, you can't afford one, so you got three. That's not a flex, that's a cry for help with autopilot. Now bring out the other Brooklyn animal, Tony. Benny Tony head to head right now. Benny, you've been doing the same set since flip phones. Your material's so old, it quit a state job before Jesse did. Tony, your face looks like a catcher's mitt that lost the fight with another catcher's mitt. At least I got a face, you got a head that looks like a thumb wearing a tracksuit. Tony, your wife left you so fast she left Jesse's 9x fiance on the way out. You bombed so hard last week, they renamed the club after the crater. I got to give it to Benny by a nose, Tony your nose specifically. The human bulldozer diesel. Jesse, you started a vitamin business at 19, selling health while building the most stressed out broke man and sacrameno. Doctor, healed I wallet. You quit a state job six times. The state of California sees your name now and just goes, again, leave the badge, take the granola bar. The Money Man, M-A-R-C-U-S. Jesse's got an empire, an empire of receipts. He's a CEO, chief empty pockets officer, three Teslas, zero dollars. Your credit score is so low it cleans cat houses too. But here's the thing, broke single 53 dogs and the man still smiling, which is poor guy I ever met. And now brace yourselves, the screaming preacher of heartbreak, the WILD Mian. Let me tell you about love. Love is a quiet thing. It comes soft, it comes gentle, and then you get married. And the quiet is gone. Oh, Jesse proposed nine times with candy. And every woman looked at that ring pop and said the same thing. Calls suggest no. But not the wall man. I said yes, and she took the house, the car, the dog. I had three Teslas like Jesse. She got two in the divorce and the third one drove itself to her lawyer. Oh, so you want to get married, you want to feel alive, then propose with a real ring you cheap beautiful man. The WILD Mian, everybody. Somebody get him a juice box and a lawyer. Judges wear at the finale, lock the scores. I must concede the tall ones closer was, dare I say, competent. A nine. I have not given a nine since the invention of the semicolon. I concur strong vitals, clean delivery, no flatlines. A nine and a clean bill of comedy health. A nine from both you cheap skates. She earned a ten and a standing ovation on two fabulous to actually stand for. I give her an eleven because I cannot count and I refuse to learn. The dogs have a better credit score than the host. All three combined and separately. But the scores are locked and only one man can swing the axe. Crown your winner, host. Here's my verdict, you beautiful disasters. The winner of Kill Jesse tonight is every broke comic who showed up to a basement on a Friday to roast a man with three dogs and no plan. But the champion, the champion's the guy who built the whole club to get roasted and still takes the last laugh. That's me, always me. You roasted my dogs, my Teslas, my nine ring pops, my six resignations and my empire of receipts. And every word was true and I'm still standing here laughing on purpose. That's not sad. That's the red line. Nobody beats Jesse twice. Kill Jesse, good night. You just witnessed Kill Jesse, the whole roster, the judges, the headliners and one broke legend who closed his own funeral. Original voices, zero clones, all heart. Good night to animals, Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}