{"file": "audio/vault/322_newsroast_nr_ai.mp3", "duration_sec": 150.8, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.6, "text": "Red Line News Special, 18 and up."}, {"start": 2.6, "end": 5.34, "text": "Tonight, artificial intelligence is in everything"}, {"start": 5.34, "end": 6.52, "text": "and we've got jokes."}, {"start": 6.52, "end": 14.82, "text": "Your anchor, Jesse."}, {"start": 14.82, "end": 16.98, "text": "Real story, AI is now in your fridge,"}, {"start": 16.98, "end": 19.5, "text": "your toothbrush, your doorbell, and your therapist."}, {"start": 19.5, "end": 21.46, "text": "We're not informed, we're surrounded."}, {"start": 21.46, "end": 28.91, "text": "Let's roast it."}, {"start": 28.91, "end": 31.79, "text": "Diagnosis, we built a machine smarter than all of us."}, {"start": 31.79, "end": 33.47, "text": "And the first thing we did was ask it"}, {"start": 33.47, "end": 35.55, "text": "to write emails and draw cats."}, {"start": 35.55, "end": 37.47, "text": "Humanity peaked and then took a nap."}, {"start": 43.98, "end": 45.78, "text": "They say AI's gonna take our job."}, {"start": 45.78, "end": 47.9, "text": "Brother, AI can have my job."}, {"start": 47.9, "end": 49.58, "text": "It can clean the toilet and explain"}, {"start": 49.58, "end": 51.18, "text": "to my landlord why rents late."}, {"start": 51.18, "end": 52.34, "text": "Take it all, robot."}, {"start": 52.34, "end": 53.58, "text": "I'll be at the bar."}, {"start": 53.58, "end": 55.58, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 60.95, "end": 63.99, "text": "Statistically, we gave a thinking machine the entire internet"}, {"start": 63.99, "end": 65.47, "text": "and it learned two things."}, {"start": 65.47, "end": 68.55, "text": "How to lie confidently and how to apologize for it."}, {"start": 68.55, "end": 69.71, "text": "We didn't build a brain."}, {"start": 69.71, "end": 71.79, "text": "We built a middle manager."}, {"start": 71.79, "end": 77.64, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 77.64, "end": 79.32, "text": "Here's the Red Line truth."}, {"start": 79.32, "end": 81.28, "text": "AI runs my whole comedy network"}, {"start": 81.28, "end": 84.16, "text": "and the smartest thing in my house is still the dog."}, {"start": 84.16, "end": 85.88, "text": "The futures here, it's just broke,"}, {"start": 85.88, "end": 88.8, "text": "confused, and barking at the mailman, same as me."}, {"start": 88.8, "end": 89.88, "text": "Last laugh's mine."}, {"start": 96.07, "end": 98.59, "text": "Hold up before we wrap open mic lightning."}, {"start": 98.59, "end": 104.86, "text": "Bench roast me go-go-geo."}, {"start": 104.86, "end": 106.62, "text": "Jesse proposed nine times."}, {"start": 106.62, "end": 109.62, "text": "The jeweler sends him a sympathy card every Valentine's."}, {"start": 109.62, "end": 114.18, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 114.18, "end": 121.1, "text": "Jesse's three dogs have a group chat and he is not in it."}, {"start": 121.1, "end": 123.3, "text": "Jesse's so single, his smoke detector,"}, {"start": 123.3, "end": 130.82, "text": "chirps just to hear another voice in the house."}, {"start": 130.82, "end": 133.46, "text": "Ha, get out of here, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 133.46, "end": 136.02, "text": "I walked into everyone of those."}, {"start": 136.02, "end": 141.5, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 141.5, "end": 143.26, "text": "That's the Red Line news special."}, {"start": 143.26, "end": 144.62, "text": "Inform roast repeat."}, {"start": 144.62, "end": 145.62, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nRed Line News Special, 18 and up. Tonight, artificial intelligence is in everything and we've got jokes. Your anchor, Jesse. Real story, AI is now in your fridge, your toothbrush, your doorbell, and your therapist. We're not informed, we're surrounded. Let's roast it. Diagnosis, we built a machine smarter than all of us. And the first thing we did was ask it to write emails and draw cats. Humanity peaked and then took a nap. They say AI's gonna take our job. Brother, AI can have my job. It can clean the toilet and explain to my landlord why rents late. Take it all, robot. I'll be at the bar. LAUGHTER Statistically, we gave a thinking machine the entire internet and it learned two things. How to lie confidently and how to apologize for it. We didn't build a brain. We built a middle manager. LAUGHTER Here's the Red Line truth. AI runs my whole comedy network and the smartest thing in my house is still the dog. The futures here, it's just broke, confused, and barking at the mailman, same as me. Last laugh's mine. Hold up before we wrap open mic lightning. Bench roast me go-go-geo. Jesse proposed nine times. The jeweler sends him a sympathy card every Valentine's. LAUGHTER Jesse's three dogs have a group chat and he is not in it. Jesse's so single, his smoke detector, chirps just to hear another voice in the house. Ha, get out of here, you beautiful degenerates. I walked into everyone of those. LAUGHTER That's the Red Line news special. Inform roast repeat. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}