{"file": "audio/vault/313_codexset_jesse_roast_my_ass.mp3", "duration_sec": 450.6, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 5.66, "text": "18 and up, a grown man with four websites, three AI assistants and the organizational skills"}, {"start": 5.66, "end": 7.5, "text": "of a raccoon on meth."}, {"start": 7.5, "end": 16.74, "text": "Your host and victim, Jesse."}, {"start": 16.74, "end": 17.98, "text": "What's up, Red Line?"}, {"start": 17.98, "end": 23.36, "text": "Tonight we roast me a grown ass man with four websites, three AI assistants, two Macs,"}, {"start": 23.36, "end": 31.46, "text": "one supercomputer, and still the organizational skills of a raccoon on meth."}, {"start": 31.46, "end": 37.88, "text": "I got colorsoftmapain.com, forkle-erquiz.com, one-jessey.com, and bomb.app."}, {"start": 37.88, "end": 39.88, "text": "That's not a business portfolio."}, {"start": 39.88, "end": 49.13, "text": "It's a mental breakdown with SSL certificates."}, {"start": 49.13, "end": 51.49, "text": "Most men hit 50 and buy a motorcycle."}, {"start": 51.49, "end": 63.71, "text": "I bought domains and turned my trauma into a fucking SITMAP."}, {"start": 63.71, "end": 66.47, "text": "Colorsoftmapain.com sounds deep, right?"}, {"start": 66.47, "end": 67.47, "text": "Sounds poetic."}, {"start": 67.47, "end": 70.19, "text": "Sounds like a man cried in a Google Doc and then asked,"}, {"start": 70.19, "end": 72.03, "text": "can we monetize this?"}, {"start": 72.03, "end": 73.03, "text": "That ain't a brand."}, {"start": 73.03, "end": 82.27, "text": "That's my childhood wearing a square space blazer."}, {"start": 82.27, "end": 83.71, "text": "My family didn't give me love."}, {"start": 83.71, "end": 85.15, "text": "They gave me material."}, {"start": 85.15, "end": 86.47, "text": "Some kids got hugs."}, {"start": 86.47, "end": 88.07, "text": "I got plot development."}, {"start": 88.07, "end": 89.55, "text": "I wasn't mature for my age."}, {"start": 89.55, "end": 97.52, "text": "I was scared with manners."}, {"start": 97.52, "end": 100.16, "text": "In my house a cabinet slam had subtitles."}, {"start": 100.16, "end": 112.41, "text": "A drawer closed too hard and I knew Act 2 was about to be some bullshit."}, {"start": 112.41, "end": 114.77, "text": "Then I made four colorquiz.com."}, {"start": 114.77, "end": 119.09, "text": "Red, green, blue, yellow, and I'm all four, which means I'll protect you overthink"}, {"start": 119.09, "end": 123.21, "text": "it, become whoever you need, hug you, then secretly resent you because now I'm tired"}, {"start": 123.21, "end": 124.21, "text": "as fuck."}, {"start": 124.21, "end": 126.37, "text": "That's not a personality system."}, {"start": 126.37, "end": 138.43, "text": "That's a hostage situation with crayons."}, {"start": 138.43, "end": 140.11, "text": "Red doesn't fall in love."}, {"start": 140.11, "end": 149.88, "text": "Red runs a background check with a boner."}, {"start": 149.88, "end": 151.36, "text": "Green doesn't argue."}, {"start": 151.36, "end": 162.0, "text": "Green opens a spreadsheet and ruins your whole childhood in bullet points."}, {"start": 162.0, "end": 163.32, "text": "Blue doesn't lie."}, {"start": 163.32, "end": 174.12, "text": "Blue just customizes the truth for whatever room they're in like a motion."}, {"start": 174.12, "end": 176.36, "text": "And yellow sees a red flag and goes."}, {"start": 176.36, "end": 178.2, "text": "I can fix him with soup."}, {"start": 178.2, "end": 188.59, "text": "Yellow's love language is snacks and denial."}, {"start": 188.59, "end": 192.51, "text": "When I got one Jesse.com sounds confident, one Jesse."}, {"start": 192.51, "end": 193.51, "text": "Bullshit."}, {"start": 193.51, "end": 195.91, "text": "There are at least 12 jesses in this motherfucker."}, {"start": 195.91, "end": 197.55, "text": "Business Jesse wants leads."}, {"start": 197.55, "end": 199.07, "text": "Hornie Jesse wants love."}, {"start": 199.07, "end": 201.91, "text": "Tired Jesse wants everybody to shut the fuck up."}, {"start": 201.91, "end": 216.22, "text": "And midnight Jesse keeps buying domains like trauma's got a shopping cart."}, {"start": 216.22, "end": 221.1, "text": "That homepage should just say, welcome to Jesse, please select which unresolved version"}, {"start": 221.1, "end": 229.33, "text": "you'd like to disappoint today."}, {"start": 229.33, "end": 231.17, "text": "Then I made bombed.app."}, {"start": 231.17, "end": 234.73, "text": "As I looked at my life and said, you know what emotional damage needs?"}, {"start": 234.73, "end": 236.25, "text": "A scoreboard."}, {"start": 236.25, "end": 238.57, "text": "Give it your messy life it gives you jokes."}, {"start": 238.57, "end": 242.69, "text": "That's what my family did except they skipped the jokes and left me anxiety and a cleaning"}, {"start": 242.69, "end": 249.96, "text": "business."}, {"start": 249.96, "end": 253.96, "text": "I run affordable pro home cleaners so my whole life is cleaning messes."}, {"start": 253.96, "end": 258.72, "text": "Your house, my past, my desktop, my browser tabs, my fucking soul."}, {"start": 258.72, "end": 271.16, "text": "I clean homes for a living but my computer looks like a divorce had a yard sale."}, {"start": 271.16, "end": 273.2, "text": "People go, can you do a deep clean?"}, {"start": 273.2, "end": 275.48, "text": "Lady I can get the grease off your stove."}, {"start": 275.48, "end": 278.16, "text": "I cannot remove the shame from your second marriage."}, {"start": 278.16, "end": 286.11, "text": "That's a premium package."}, {"start": 286.11, "end": 289.63, "text": "Deep cleaning is just therapy with GLOVES."}, {"start": 289.63, "end": 293.31, "text": "Everybody wants a fresh start but nobody wants to move the couch."}, {"start": 293.31, "end": 302.46, "text": "Everybody wants healing until they find what's under the furniture."}, {"start": 302.46, "end": 306.7, "text": "My AI assistant told me, Jesse your context window is too large."}, {"start": 306.7, "end": 308.54, "text": "That hurt because it was accurate."}, {"start": 308.54, "end": 311.94, "text": "Therapists charge 180 an hour to say you're overwhelmed."}, {"start": 311.94, "end": 313.74, "text": "AI roasted me for free."}, {"start": 313.74, "end": 315.7, "text": "Please upload a smaller file."}, {"start": 315.7, "end": 328.13, "text": "Bitch I am the smaller file."}, {"start": 328.13, "end": 329.13, "text": "Dating after 50?"}, {"start": 329.13, "end": 330.13, "text": "Fuck."}, {"start": 330.13, "end": 332.57, "text": "At 25 you say, come over I'll put on music."}, {"start": 332.57, "end": 337.97, "text": "At 50 you say, come over I got clean sheets, good wi-fi and ibuprofen within reach."}, {"start": 337.97, "end": 347.36, "text": "Thirding now is just two people comparing inflammation."}, {"start": 347.36, "end": 349.04, "text": "I don't need a freak in the sheets."}, {"start": 349.04, "end": 352.96, "text": "I need a woman who can reset a router without making me feel stupid."}, {"start": 352.96, "end": 355.52, "text": "That's intimacy now, password recovery."}, {"start": 355.52, "end": 366.52, "text": "She gets me back into my Google account I might propose."}, {"start": 366.52, "end": 369.96, "text": "I built AI assistance to make money while I sleep."}, {"start": 369.96, "end": 371.32, "text": "Problem is I don't sleep."}, {"start": 371.32, "end": 377.12, "text": "I got Hermes open-claw Henry a supercomputer, two max, a windows laptop, and the strongest"}, {"start": 377.12, "end": 379.92, "text": "machine in my house is still the coffee maker."}, {"start": 379.92, "end": 393.78, "text": "After computing power the NASA and I still can't find the file I saved yesterday."}, {"start": 393.78, "end": 397.34, "text": "My AI command center is just anxiety with employees."}, {"start": 397.34, "end": 398.34, "text": "Henry wakes up."}, {"start": 398.34, "end": 400.38, "text": "Good morning Jesse, what are we fixing today?"}, {"start": 400.38, "end": 404.78, "text": "Telegram, Cloudflare, a website you bought during an emotional weather event."}, {"start": 404.78, "end": 406.46, "text": "Even the AI goes, sir."}, {"start": 406.46, "end": 407.66, "text": "Pick a fucking lane."}, {"start": 407.66, "end": 408.66, "text": "I can't."}, {"start": 408.66, "end": 420.32, "text": "I built a highway out of panic."}, {"start": 420.32, "end": 421.76, "text": "So roast my ass."}, {"start": 421.76, "end": 424.0, "text": "Because if they gave me silence I built a microphone."}, {"start": 424.0, "end": 426.2, "text": "If they gave me pain I gave it timing."}, {"start": 426.2, "end": 430.2, "text": "And if they gave me trauma I'm making dams sure that motherfucker has a merch table."}, {"start": 430.2, "end": 431.2, "text": "I'm Jesse."}, {"start": 431.2, "end": 435.08, "text": "This is Red Line and if you take one lesson tonight don't let your trauma win by the"}, {"start": 435.08, "end": 436.72, "text": "domain first."}, {"start": 436.72, "end": 447.71, "text": "Last last mine."}, {"start": 447.71, "end": 450.15, "text": "For domains 12 Jesse's one legend."}, {"start": 450.15, "end": 450.63, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\n18 and up, a grown man with four websites, three AI assistants and the organizational skills of a raccoon on meth. Your host and victim, Jesse. What's up, Red Line? Tonight we roast me a grown ass man with four websites, three AI assistants, two Macs, one supercomputer, and still the organizational skills of a raccoon on meth. I got colorsoftmapain.com, forkle-erquiz.com, one-jessey.com, and bomb.app. That's not a business portfolio. It's a mental breakdown with SSL certificates. Most men hit 50 and buy a motorcycle. I bought domains and turned my trauma into a fucking SITMAP. Colorsoftmapain.com sounds deep, right? Sounds poetic. Sounds like a man cried in a Google Doc and then asked, can we monetize this? That ain't a brand. That's my childhood wearing a square space blazer. My family didn't give me love. They gave me material. Some kids got hugs. I got plot development. I wasn't mature for my age. I was scared with manners. In my house a cabinet slam had subtitles. A drawer closed too hard and I knew Act 2 was about to be some bullshit. Then I made four colorquiz.com. Red, green, blue, yellow, and I'm all four, which means I'll protect you overthink it, become whoever you need, hug you, then secretly resent you because now I'm tired as fuck. That's not a personality system. That's a hostage situation with crayons. Red doesn't fall in love. Red runs a background check with a boner. Green doesn't argue. Green opens a spreadsheet and ruins your whole childhood in bullet points. Blue doesn't lie. Blue just customizes the truth for whatever room they're in like a motion. And yellow sees a red flag and goes. I can fix him with soup. Yellow's love language is snacks and denial. When I got one Jesse.com sounds confident, one Jesse. Bullshit. There are at least 12 jesses in this motherfucker. Business Jesse wants leads. Hornie Jesse wants love. Tired Jesse wants everybody to shut the fuck up. And midnight Jesse keeps buying domains like trauma's got a shopping cart. That homepage should just say, welcome to Jesse, please select which unresolved version you'd like to disappoint today. Then I made bombed.app. As I looked at my life and said, you know what emotional damage needs? A scoreboard. Give it your messy life it gives you jokes. That's what my family did except they skipped the jokes and left me anxiety and a cleaning business. I run affordable pro home cleaners so my whole life is cleaning messes. Your house, my past, my desktop, my browser tabs, my fucking soul. I clean homes for a living but my computer looks like a divorce had a yard sale. People go, can you do a deep clean? Lady I can get the grease off your stove. I cannot remove the shame from your second marriage. That's a premium package. Deep cleaning is just therapy with GLOVES. Everybody wants a fresh start but nobody wants to move the couch. Everybody wants healing until they find what's under the furniture. My AI assistant told me, Jesse your context window is too large. That hurt because it was accurate. Therapists charge 180 an hour to say you're overwhelmed. AI roasted me for free. Please upload a smaller file. Bitch I am the smaller file. Dating after 50? Fuck. At 25 you say, come over I'll put on music. At 50 you say, come over I got clean sheets, good wi-fi and ibuprofen within reach. Thirding now is just two people comparing inflammation. I don't need a freak in the sheets. I need a woman who can reset a router without making me feel stupid. That's intimacy now, password recovery. She gets me back into my Google account I might propose. I built AI assistance to make money while I sleep. Problem is I don't sleep. I got Hermes open-claw Henry a supercomputer, two max, a windows laptop, and the strongest machine in my house is still the coffee maker. After computing power the NASA and I still can't find the file I saved yesterday. My AI command center is just anxiety with employees. Henry wakes up. Good morning Jesse, what are we fixing today? Telegram, Cloudflare, a website you bought during an emotional weather event. Even the AI goes, sir. Pick a fucking lane. I can't. I built a highway out of panic. So roast my ass. Because if they gave me silence I built a microphone. If they gave me pain I gave it timing. And if they gave me trauma I'm making dams sure that motherfucker has a merch table. I'm Jesse. This is Red Line and if you take one lesson tonight don't let your trauma win by the domain first. Last last mine. For domains 12 Jesse's one legend. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}