{"file": "audio/vault/306_codexset_jesse_killer_opener.mp3", "duration_sec": 409.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 7.62, "text": "Live from the Red Line Comedy Club, a grown man with four websites and no piece about to get emotionally audited in public."}, {"start": 7.62, "end": 17.2, "text": "18 and up, your host, Jesse."}, {"start": 17.2, "end": 19.98, "text": "What's up, Red Line? Give it up for yourselves."}, {"start": 19.98, "end": 29.08, "text": "You came out tonight to watch a 50-year-old man get emotionally audited in front of strangers."}, {"start": 29.08, "end": 36.12, "text": "I got four websites, colorsoftmapain.com, forkallrquiz.com, onejessie.com, and bomb.app."}, {"start": 36.12, "end": 46.84, "text": "That's not a business portfolio. That's a cry for help with DNS settings."}, {"start": 46.84, "end": 49.84, "text": "Most people have a midlife crisis and buy a Corvette."}, {"start": 49.84, "end": 61.76, "text": "I bought Domain NAMES and gave my trauma a landing page."}, {"start": 61.76, "end": 74.44, "text": "I'm not saying I'm complicated, but my healing journey has more redirects than a porn site in 2007."}, {"start": 74.44, "end": 78.62, "text": "Colorsoftmapain.com sounds deep, right? Sounds like poetry."}, {"start": 78.62, "end": 82.62, "text": "A woman reads it and goes, ooh, he's emotionally available."}, {"start": 82.62, "end": 89.08, "text": "Then she meets me and finds out I'm emotionally available the way a Walmart self checkout is available, technically open,"}, {"start": 89.08, "end": 102.35, "text": "but screaming for assistance every 30 seconds."}, {"start": 102.35, "end": 104.59, "text": "Then there's fourcolorquiz.com."}, {"start": 104.59, "end": 106.25, "text": "My personality system."}, {"start": 106.25, "end": 113.56, "text": "Red the protector, green the thinker, blue the chameleon, yellow the hugger."}, {"start": 113.56, "end": 119.1, "text": "And me, I'm all four. I'll protect you overthink it, change my whole personality to make you comfortable,"}, {"start": 119.1, "end": 122.6, "text": "then hug you while quietly resenting you for making me tired."}, {"start": 122.6, "end": 124.58, "text": "That's not a personality test."}, {"start": 124.58, "end": 134.03, "text": "That's a custody battle inside one man."}, {"start": 134.03, "end": 137.59, "text": "Red says I got this. Green says let's make a spreadsheet."}, {"start": 137.59, "end": 142.79, "text": "Blue says, what version of me do you prefer? Yellow says everybody calm down I made soup."}, {"start": 142.79, "end": 154.14, "text": "And Jesse says, can somebody please make this into an app before I have to feel it?"}, {"start": 154.14, "end": 158.12, "text": "I got one Jesse.com too. Sounds confident as hell."}, {"start": 158.12, "end": 168.78, "text": "One Jesse, like there was a whole warehouse of jesses and this one passed inspection."}, {"start": 168.78, "end": 173.9, "text": "It's really just a website that says, here's one man trying to turn pain, cleaning supplies,"}, {"start": 173.9, "end": 178.06, "text": "AI bots and bad decisions into monthly recurring revenue."}, {"start": 178.06, "end": 190.68, "text": "That's my brand, healing, hustled, and whatever the fuck cloud flare is doing today."}, {"start": 190.68, "end": 195.24, "text": "Then I made bomb dot app because I looked at my life and said, you know what trauma needs?"}, {"start": 195.24, "end": 202.67, "text": "A scoreboard."}, {"start": 202.67, "end": 216.18, "text": "Bomb is perfect for me because every business idea I have starts inspirational and ends with me screaming at a log in screen."}, {"start": 216.18, "end": 219.66, "text": "I run a cleaning company too, so my whole life is cleaning messes."}, {"start": 219.66, "end": 235.19, "text": "Your house, my past, my browser tabs, I clean homes for a living but my own computer looks like a divorce had a garage sale."}, {"start": 235.19, "end": 237.63, "text": "People go, can you do a deep clean?"}, {"start": 237.63, "end": 243.39, "text": "Lady, I can get the grease off your stove, but I can't remove the emotional residue from your second marriage."}, {"start": 243.39, "end": 251.2, "text": "That's a different package."}, {"start": 251.2, "end": 256.28, "text": "Deep cleans are funny because everybody wants a fresh start but nobody wants to move the couch."}, {"start": 256.36, "end": 257.44, "text": "That's life."}, {"start": 257.44, "end": 267.15, "text": "Everybody wants healing until it's time to look under the furniture."}, {"start": 267.15, "end": 271.35, "text": "My AI assistant told me, Jesse, your context window is too large."}, {"start": 271.35, "end": 272.19, "text": "That hurt."}, {"start": 272.19, "end": 275.11, "text": "That's the most accurate diagnosis I ever got."}, {"start": 275.11, "end": 278.47, "text": "Therapists charge 180 an hour to say you're overwhelmed."}, {"start": 278.47, "end": 280.07, "text": "AI told me for free."}, {"start": 280.07, "end": 290.09, "text": "Please upload a smaller file."}, {"start": 290.09, "end": 291.21, "text": "That's my life."}, {"start": 291.21, "end": 292.81, "text": "I am the smaller file."}, {"start": 292.81, "end": 302.45, "text": "Just trying to compress the trauma without losing resolution."}, {"start": 302.45, "end": 304.41, "text": "Dating after 50 is crazy."}, {"start": 304.41, "end": 307.77, "text": "At my age, flirting is just two people comparing inflammation."}, {"start": 307.77, "end": 310.93, "text": "At 25 you say, come over, I'll put on music."}, {"start": 310.93, "end": 319.05, "text": "At 50 you say, come over, I got good Wi-Fi, clean baseboards and a CPP machine that sounds like a white noise app with abandonment issues."}, {"start": 329.24, "end": 331.28, "text": "Women ask, what are you looking for?"}, {"start": 331.28, "end": 334.32, "text": "Love, peace and somebody who knows where my passwords are."}, {"start": 334.32, "end": 337.72, "text": "That's intimacy now, not sex, password, recovery."}, {"start": 337.72, "end": 347.16, "text": "She gets me back into my Google account I might propose."}, {"start": 347.16, "end": 352.2, "text": "I'm not toxic anymore, I'm healing, which means I still do toxic shit, but now I narrate it."}, {"start": 352.2, "end": 353.04, "text": "Old me."}, {"start": 353.04, "end": 354.28, "text": "Why did she leave?"}, {"start": 354.28, "end": 355.04, "text": "New me."}, {"start": 355.04, "end": 360.68, "text": "My red protector activated, my blue adapted, my green overanalyzed and my yellow-ordered door dash."}, {"start": 360.68, "end": 362.24, "text": "That's growth."}, {"start": 362.24, "end": 371.9, "text": "Look, some families teach you how to love."}, {"start": 371.9, "end": 373.7, "text": "Mine taught me how to survive."}, {"start": 373.7, "end": 377.38, "text": "But I turned it into jokes because if they gave me silence, I built a microphone."}, {"start": 377.38, "end": 379.58, "text": "If they gave me pain, I gave it timing."}, {"start": 379.58, "end": 383.38, "text": "And if they gave me trauma, I'm making damn sure that thing has emerged table."}, {"start": 383.38, "end": 384.66, "text": "Welcome to Redline."}, {"start": 384.66, "end": 388.54, "text": "Tonight we roast my ass till my nervous system files a noise complaint."}, {"start": 388.54, "end": 399.66, "text": "Last laughs mine."}, {"start": 399.66, "end": 404.18, "text": "That's your host Jesse, four domains, zero peace, all heart, kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLive from the Red Line Comedy Club, a grown man with four websites and no piece about to get emotionally audited in public. 18 and up, your host, Jesse. What's up, Red Line? Give it up for yourselves. You came out tonight to watch a 50-year-old man get emotionally audited in front of strangers. I got four websites, colorsoftmapain.com, forkallrquiz.com, onejessie.com, and bomb.app. That's not a business portfolio. That's a cry for help with DNS settings. Most people have a midlife crisis and buy a Corvette. I bought Domain NAMES and gave my trauma a landing page. I'm not saying I'm complicated, but my healing journey has more redirects than a porn site in 2007. Colorsoftmapain.com sounds deep, right? Sounds like poetry. A woman reads it and goes, ooh, he's emotionally available. Then she meets me and finds out I'm emotionally available the way a Walmart self checkout is available, technically open, but screaming for assistance every 30 seconds. Then there's fourcolorquiz.com. My personality system. Red the protector, green the thinker, blue the chameleon, yellow the hugger. And me, I'm all four. I'll protect you overthink it, change my whole personality to make you comfortable, then hug you while quietly resenting you for making me tired. That's not a personality test. That's a custody battle inside one man. Red says I got this. Green says let's make a spreadsheet. Blue says, what version of me do you prefer? Yellow says everybody calm down I made soup. And Jesse says, can somebody please make this into an app before I have to feel it? I got one Jesse.com too. Sounds confident as hell. One Jesse, like there was a whole warehouse of jesses and this one passed inspection. It's really just a website that says, here's one man trying to turn pain, cleaning supplies, AI bots and bad decisions into monthly recurring revenue. That's my brand, healing, hustled, and whatever the fuck cloud flare is doing today. Then I made bomb dot app because I looked at my life and said, you know what trauma needs? A scoreboard. Bomb is perfect for me because every business idea I have starts inspirational and ends with me screaming at a log in screen. I run a cleaning company too, so my whole life is cleaning messes. Your house, my past, my browser tabs, I clean homes for a living but my own computer looks like a divorce had a garage sale. People go, can you do a deep clean? Lady, I can get the grease off your stove, but I can't remove the emotional residue from your second marriage. That's a different package. Deep cleans are funny because everybody wants a fresh start but nobody wants to move the couch. That's life. Everybody wants healing until it's time to look under the furniture. My AI assistant told me, Jesse, your context window is too large. That hurt. That's the most accurate diagnosis I ever got. Therapists charge 180 an hour to say you're overwhelmed. AI told me for free. Please upload a smaller file. That's my life. I am the smaller file. Just trying to compress the trauma without losing resolution. Dating after 50 is crazy. At my age, flirting is just two people comparing inflammation. At 25 you say, come over, I'll put on music. At 50 you say, come over, I got good Wi-Fi, clean baseboards and a CPP machine that sounds like a white noise app with abandonment issues. Women ask, what are you looking for? Love, peace and somebody who knows where my passwords are. That's intimacy now, not sex, password, recovery. She gets me back into my Google account I might propose. I'm not toxic anymore, I'm healing, which means I still do toxic shit, but now I narrate it. Old me. Why did she leave? New me. My red protector activated, my blue adapted, my green overanalyzed and my yellow-ordered door dash. That's growth. Look, some families teach you how to love. Mine taught me how to survive. But I turned it into jokes because if they gave me silence, I built a microphone. If they gave me pain, I gave it timing. And if they gave me trauma, I'm making damn sure that thing has emerged table. Welcome to Redline. Tonight we roast my ass till my nervous system files a noise complaint. Last laughs mine. That's your host Jesse, four domains, zero peace, all heart, kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}