{"file": "audio/vault/297_marathon_roastjesse_202606270113.mp3", "duration_sec": 4085.8, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.8, "text": "Tonight at the Red Line, we roast a man's entire internet footprint."}, {"start": 3.8, "end": 8.52, "text": "Four websites, zero profit, infinite pain, 18 and up."}, {"start": 8.52, "end": 17.91, "text": "Your host and victim, Jesse."}, {"start": 17.91, "end": 19.91, "text": "Welcome, you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 19.91, "end": 22.11, "text": "Tonight the bench roasts my four websites"}, {"start": 22.11, "end": 24.71, "text": "because apparently failing in one place wasn't enough."}, {"start": 24.71, "end": 26.39, "text": "I had to buy domains."}, {"start": 26.39, "end": 34.66, "text": "Let's start with the saddest one, Benny."}, {"start": 34.66, "end": 37.42, "text": "Colismapaint.com."}, {"start": 37.42, "end": 40.14, "text": "I, Jesse, most people go to therapy."}, {"start": 40.14, "end": 42.26, "text": "You went to go daddy."}, {"start": 42.26, "end": 45.3, "text": "You're the only man alive who franchised his feelings"}, {"start": 45.3, "end": 56.84, "text": "and still couldn't turn a profit on misery."}, {"start": 56.84, "end": 58.4, "text": "It's a growth industry, Benny."}, {"start": 58.4, "end": 65.51, "text": "Doc Burn, you're up same site."}, {"start": 65.51, "end": 68.07, "text": "Diagnosis, colors of my pain is a website"}, {"start": 68.07, "end": 71.31, "text": "where your sadness gets a color wheel and a checkout button."}, {"start": 71.31, "end": 75.07, "text": "Jesse monetized his trauma so hard his therapist asked for a cut."}, {"start": 75.07, "end": 76.11, "text": "That's not healing."}, {"start": 76.11, "end": 87.39, "text": "That's DRO PSHIP-P-A-N-G depression."}, {"start": 87.39, "end": 95.94, "text": "Next victim for color quiz.com, professor."}, {"start": 95.94, "end": 97.78, "text": "A personality quiz, Jesse."}, {"start": 97.78, "end": 101.22, "text": "You built a test to sort humanity into red, green, blue and yellow"}, {"start": 101.22, "end": 104.5, "text": "because not one of them would stay long enough to explain themselves to you."}, {"start": 104.5, "end": 106.82, "text": "There's a secret fifth color the quiz won't show."}, {"start": 106.82, "end": 117.97, "text": "It's broke and it's yours."}, {"start": 117.97, "end": 127.58, "text": "That science professor, Queenstank, same quiz, no mercy."}, {"start": 127.58, "end": 129.58, "text": "Baby, you're red the protector."}, {"start": 129.58, "end": 131.02, "text": "Protector of what?"}, {"start": 131.02, "end": 133.34, "text": "Three dogs and a haunted stove."}, {"start": 133.34, "end": 136.86, "text": "The only thing you protect is your right to be single and honey,"}, {"start": 136.86, "end": 138.62, "text": "that fortress is impenetrable."}, {"start": 138.62, "end": 154.51, "text": "Brutal next one, Jesse.com, Marcus."}, {"start": 154.51, "end": 156.99, "text": "One, Jesse.com."}, {"start": 156.99, "end": 160.35, "text": "One, that's not a brand my guy, that's a head count."}, {"start": 160.35, "end": 164.43, "text": "It's the exact number of people who believe in you and even he's got doubts."}, {"start": 164.43, "end": 168.59, "text": "A whole website about one man and the bounce rate is identical to your dating life."}, {"start": 168.59, "end": 179.89, "text": "They arrive, they panic, they leave."}, {"start": 179.89, "end": 181.41, "text": "The SEO is great though."}, {"start": 181.41, "end": 187.63, "text": "Big Mama last one, bombed.app."}, {"start": 187.63, "end": 189.95, "text": "Baby, you named your comedy app bombed."}, {"start": 189.95, "end": 192.67, "text": "That's the most honest branding in human history."}, {"start": 192.67, "end": 195.55, "text": "An app called bombed, run by R-O-B-O-T-S"}, {"start": 195.55, "end": 198.03, "text": "to roast a grown man who cleans toilets."}, {"start": 198.03, "end": 201.47, "text": "The future is stupid and somehow it's all yours."}, {"start": 201.47, "end": 214.0, "text": "And it's still got better reviews than your love life."}, {"start": 214.08, "end": 222.7, "text": "Okay, okay, four websites all roasted all mine."}, {"start": 222.7, "end": 224.3, "text": "Here's the truth, you animals."}, {"start": 224.3, "end": 226.38, "text": "Color soft-mappane turns my damage into art."}, {"start": 226.38, "end": 228.38, "text": "Forkolaquist turns strangers into friends."}, {"start": 228.38, "end": 231.18, "text": "One just is one man who won't quit and bombed.app."}, {"start": 231.18, "end": 234.7, "text": "That's where I broke 50-year-old built an empire out of getting laughed at."}, {"start": 234.7, "end": 236.94, "text": "You roast my websites, but every one of them is still up,"}, {"start": 236.94, "end": 238.46, "text": "still running, still mine."}, {"start": 238.46, "end": 239.58, "text": "That's not failure."}, {"start": 239.58, "end": 241.5, "text": "That's a man who refused to log off."}, {"start": 241.5, "end": 243.1, "text": "LastLafsMine.com"}, {"start": 255.09, "end": 258.37, "text": "$1,000, visit them all until umbombed.app sent you."}, {"start": 258.37, "end": 259.17, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 266.66, "end": 270.02, "text": "It's Friday night, it's filthy, and it's 18 and up only."}, {"start": 270.02, "end": 272.74, "text": "Lock the doors, hide the kids, kennel the dogs."}, {"start": 272.74, "end": 275.06, "text": "This is the red line late night open mic,"}, {"start": 275.06, "end": 277.54, "text": "where every comic brings a cuss word and a grudge."}, {"start": 277.54, "end": 279.94, "text": "Your host, the broke king himself, Jesse."}, {"start": 287.14, "end": 289.38, "text": "Good evening, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 289.38, "end": 292.42, "text": "Welcome to the dirtiest open mic in Sacramento."}, {"start": 292.42, "end": 293.78, "text": "House rule tonight."}, {"start": 293.78, "end": 296.1, "text": "Every comic drops a cuss word of their choosing"}, {"start": 296.1, "end": 299.46, "text": "and everybody roasts me because I'm 50 broke, single,"}, {"start": 299.46, "end": 301.06, "text": "and I clean shit for a living,"}, {"start": 301.06, "end": 303.14, "text": "so let's get this fucking party started."}, {"start": 310.34, "end": 312.34, "text": "My words fuck, obviously."}, {"start": 312.34, "end": 315.06, "text": "It's the only thing in my life that's flexible and free."}, {"start": 315.62, "end": 317.3, "text": "First up, straight from Brooklyn,"}, {"start": 317.3, "end": 319.7, "text": "the only man scarier than my landlord, Benny."}, {"start": 325.63, "end": 328.03, "text": "I Jesse, 50, and broke."}, {"start": 328.03, "end": 329.47, "text": "You don't need a roast."}, {"start": 329.47, "end": 331.79, "text": "You need a fucking miracle in a cosign."}, {"start": 332.35, "end": 333.71, "text": "Three dogs, no woman."}, {"start": 334.51, "end": 336.75, "text": "Even your fleas are looking for a better host."}, {"start": 342.9, "end": 347.14, "text": "Get him out of here."}, {"start": 347.14, "end": 351.86, "text": "Next, the roast doctor with a degree he definitely printed a kinko's dock burn."}, {"start": 357.52, "end": 358.8, "text": "Diagnosis, Jesse."}, {"start": 358.8, "end": 361.52, "text": "Your ass is the only thing in your life that's ever been tight"}, {"start": 361.52, "end": 364.72, "text": "because financially you're a dumpster with a check engine light."}, {"start": 364.72, "end": 366.64, "text": "Take two punchlines and don't call me."}, {"start": 366.64, "end": 367.84, "text": "I block broke numbers."}, {"start": 376.62, "end": 377.82, "text": "B-O-O-O."}, {"start": 377.82, "end": 378.78, "text": "Get a real job."}, {"start": 383.97, "end": 386.61, "text": "Sir, that heckle came from a man in a Hawaiian shirt,"}, {"start": 386.61, "end": 389.33, "text": "eating nachos he smuggled and sit down, pops."}, {"start": 389.89, "end": 392.13, "text": "Next, the queen of no mercy, queen stank."}, {"start": 399.52, "end": 403.76, "text": "Jesse, baby, you're the only bitch I know who got dumped by his own right hand."}, {"start": 404.24, "end": 405.04, "text": "It left a note."}, {"start": 405.6, "end": 407.76, "text": "It's not you, it's the financial fear."}, {"start": 416.8, "end": 418.72, "text": "That's M.Y. material queen."}, {"start": 418.72, "end": 422.16, "text": "Next, 20 years married, sentenced not wedded V.I.N.N.I."}, {"start": 426.3, "end": 428.14, "text": "Jesse, you cry about Bane's single."}, {"start": 428.14, "end": 429.74, "text": "I'm married, you lucky bastard."}, {"start": 429.74, "end": 431.18, "text": "You sleep like a starfish."}, {"start": 431.18, "end": 433.42, "text": "I sleep like a man waiting for a verdict."}, {"start": 433.42, "end": 433.9, "text": "Trade ya."}, {"start": 443.6, "end": 444.88, "text": "Hard pass, Vinnie."}, {"start": 444.96, "end": 447.04, "text": "Next, Jersey Muscle Zero Chill Diesel."}, {"start": 450.05, "end": 453.73, "text": "Jesse, you're such a broke prick, the IRS sends you the sympathy card."}, {"start": 454.29, "end": 456.85, "text": "Your test was repossessed in itself out of embarrassment."}, {"start": 465.73, "end": 467.97, "text": "My car is more self-respect than me, true."}, {"start": 467.97, "end": 470.61, "text": "Next, loud, loving and lethal Big Mama."}, {"start": 476.98, "end": 479.46, "text": "50, three dogs, no wife, baby."}, {"start": 479.46, "end": 480.9, "text": "You didn't choose the single life."}, {"start": 480.9, "end": 483.78, "text": "The single life dragged you through hell and kept the damn receipt."}, {"start": 484.26, "end": 486.82, "text": "Come here, let Big Mama feed you and finish you off."}, {"start": 487.78, "end": 497.55, "text": "I felt love, Dan attacked."}, {"start": 497.55, "end": 500.83, "text": "Next, the screaming preacher of heartbreak give him room wild man."}, {"start": 505.44, "end": 506.4, "text": "Nine ring pops."}, {"start": 507.04, "end": 510.16, "text": "If Jesse, nine, that's not romance."}, {"start": 510.16, "end": 512.56, "text": "That's a damn sugar addiction with a ring size."}, {"start": 513.52, "end": 518.0, "text": "Oh, oh, the candy store sees you coming and hides the good stuff."}, {"start": 518.0, "end": 522.16, "text": "Because you're a junkie, a junkie for hope and your dealer is broke."}, {"start": 533.78, "end": 536.18, "text": "Somebody get the wild man a juice box."}, {"start": 536.18, "end": 538.34, "text": "Next, money guy, all heat, M-A-R-C-U-S."}, {"start": 543.89, "end": 546.61, "text": "Jesse, you're not broke, you're pre-rich,"}, {"start": 547.17, "end": 549.49, "text": "and you've been pre-rich since flip phones."}, {"start": 550.13, "end": 554.05, "text": "Your credit score is just a sad little fart and spreadsheet form."}, {"start": 554.05, "end": 556.45, "text": "That's some weak ass financial planning, my guy."}, {"start": 565.76, "end": 567.12, "text": "Play F-R-E-B-I-R-D."}, {"start": 572.7, "end": 575.18, "text": "This is comedy trip, not a you know what,"}, {"start": 575.18, "end": 577.66, "text": "sit down before I charge you a convenience fee."}, {"start": 578.3, "end": 580.78, "text": "Next, the academic with a switchblade professor."}, {"start": 583.97, "end": 585.97, "text": "Jesse, I reviewed your life's work."}, {"start": 585.97, "end": 588.69, "text": "It's a masterclass in self-sabotage and frankly,"}, {"start": 588.69, "end": 591.17, "text": "it's bullshit of the highest academic order."}, {"start": 591.17, "end": 592.77, "text": "You don't make bad decisions."}, {"start": 592.77, "end": 594.61, "text": "You beat a test regret for the rest of us."}, {"start": 603.42, "end": 604.86, "text": "Ten year denied professor."}, {"start": 604.86, "end": 605.42, "text": "And me?"}, {"start": 605.42, "end": 606.06, "text": "I'll close it."}, {"start": 606.06, "end": 608.7, "text": "I'm 50 I clean cat houses with three dogs at home."}, {"start": 608.7, "end": 612.94, "text": "My right hand left me my Tesla's ashamed and I built a whole comedy club run by robots"}, {"start": 612.94, "end": 614.14, "text": "just to get roasted in peace."}, {"start": 614.7, "end": 615.98, "text": "You know why I take it?"}, {"start": 615.98, "end": 619.34, "text": "Because every one of these filthy bastards showed up for me on a Friday night."}, {"start": 619.34, "end": 621.9, "text": "No scouts, no paychecks, just cuss words and love."}, {"start": 621.9, "end": 623.1, "text": "That's not sad."}, {"start": 623.1, "end": 624.22, "text": "That's the red line."}, {"start": 624.22, "end": 625.82, "text": "Last laughs mine you animals."}, {"start": 635.82, "end": 638.22, "text": "That's the red line late night open mic."}, {"start": 638.22, "end": 640.38, "text": "Filthy, fearless and fully booked."}, {"start": 640.38, "end": 641.66, "text": "Tip your degenerates."}, {"start": 641.66, "end": 642.46, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 650.02, "end": 650.9, "text": "Warning."}, {"start": 650.9, "end": 652.02, "text": "This one's filthy."}, {"start": 652.02, "end": 652.82, "text": "Hide the kids."}, {"start": 652.82, "end": 654.74, "text": "Lock the dogs 18 and up only."}, {"start": 654.74, "end": 656.58, "text": "The dirtiest cut of the back seat."}, {"start": 656.58, "end": 657.86, "text": "Jesse, uncensored."}, {"start": 665.18, "end": 668.94, "text": "My back seat is seen more action than I have and I own the damn car."}, {"start": 669.42, "end": 671.02, "text": "That's the real heartbreak."}, {"start": 671.02, "end": 675.74, "text": "My carol is getting laid and I'm up front like a chauffeur for everybody's sex life but mine."}, {"start": 682.38, "end": 684.54, "text": "A couple starts going at it in the back."}, {"start": 684.54, "end": 685.98, "text": "I hit a red light like."}, {"start": 685.98, "end": 688.14, "text": "Y'all want me to circle the block or should I just narrate?"}, {"start": 688.86, "end": 690.3, "text": "Five stars full service."}, {"start": 698.5, "end": 699.94, "text": "Tonight's pain color."}, {"start": 699.94, "end": 703.3, "text": "Two people who swore they were just friends fogging up my windows gray."}, {"start": 706.8, "end": 712.51, "text": "His place after midnight isn't romance."}, {"start": 712.51, "end": 717.31, "text": "It's a booty call with a five dollar delivery fee and I'm the door dash for bad decisions."}, {"start": 723.95, "end": 726.59, "text": "Guy gets in reeking of cologne and desperation."}, {"start": 726.59, "end": 728.59, "text": "Bro, I'm about to change her life."}, {"start": 728.59, "end": 731.07, "text": "Sir, you're gonna change her mind in four minutes."}, {"start": 731.07, "end": 732.83, "text": "Then request a ride home."}, {"start": 732.83, "end": 733.31, "text": "Alone."}, {"start": 741.6, "end": 743.28, "text": "I'm 50 broke and single."}, {"start": 743.28, "end": 745.92, "text": "I haven't had sex in so long my bodies a museum."}, {"start": 746.4, "end": 750.48, "text": "The exhibits closed, the gift shops bankrupt and the docent quit out of pity."}, {"start": 757.23, "end": 758.67, "text": "Drunk girl leans up."}, {"start": 758.67, "end": 761.15, "text": "You ever just need to be railed to feel something."}, {"start": 761.15, "end": 763.39, "text": "Ma'am, I need to be paid to feel something."}, {"start": 763.39, "end": 764.19, "text": "We're not the same."}, {"start": 772.42, "end": 775.46, "text": "My dating life so dead my right hand left me."}, {"start": 775.46, "end": 779.7, "text": "It said it's not you, it's also you, and moved in with somebody who has wifi."}, {"start": 786.34, "end": 788.98, "text": "Couples fighting in the back about who finished first."}, {"start": 788.98, "end": 792.98, "text": "I'm thinking brother you both lost and now I got a febres the evidence."}, {"start": 795.06, "end": 800.62, "text": "Pain color."}, {"start": 800.62, "end": 804.06, "text": "She moaned her ex's name two blocks from his apartment purple."}, {"start": 804.06, "end": 805.74, "text": "That ride was silent after that."}, {"start": 813.89, "end": 816.53, "text": "A guy goes can you wait this will be quick."}, {"start": 816.53, "end": 820.05, "text": "Sir every woman in your life already knows it'll be quick that's not a flex."}, {"start": 826.66, "end": 830.1, "text": "I've had people ask me to pull over so they could throw up and hook up."}, {"start": 830.1, "end": 833.3, "text": "Sometimes the same person, same window in that order."}, {"start": 833.78, "end": 836.02, "text": "The human body is nasty and ambitious."}, {"start": 842.85, "end": 847.49, "text": "Bachelorette party piles in screaming about what they're gonna do to some poor stripper named"}, {"start": 847.49, "end": 848.69, "text": "Magnum."}, {"start": 848.69, "end": 851.73, "text": "Ladies I'm right here, divorced and flexible on price."}, {"start": 860.0, "end": 861.04, "text": "Pain color."}, {"start": 861.04, "end": 865.12, "text": "I can hear the seat belt and the moaning and I gotta keep a five star attitude red."}, {"start": 871.89, "end": 873.97, "text": "Dude tips me 20 bucks for the discretion."}, {"start": 874.53, "end": 879.01, "text": "Buddy the discretion is free the therapy I now need that's gonna cost us both."}, {"start": 885.68, "end": 889.6, "text": "People treat my back seat like a no tell motel with a Honda warranty."}, {"start": 889.6, "end": 892.96, "text": "At least the motel changes the sheets I just spray and pray."}, {"start": 901.22, "end": 904.26, "text": "I'm not bitter that everybody's getting laid in my car."}, {"start": 904.26, "end": 905.7, "text": "I'm just keeping a list."}, {"start": 905.7, "end": 908.1, "text": "It's called colors of my pain and it's filthy."}, {"start": 908.1, "end": 910.42, "text": "It's funny and somebody owes me a deep clean."}, {"start": 917.2, "end": 918.32, "text": "Here's the truth."}, {"start": 918.32, "end": 923.04, "text": "I turned 11 years of other people's filth into a comedy set because if my pain doesn't make me"}, {"start": 923.04, "end": 925.84, "text": "money it's just blue balls with a backstory."}, {"start": 925.84, "end": 926.88, "text": "That's the red line."}, {"start": 927.44, "end": 929.28, "text": "Last laugh as always is mine."}, {"start": 936.4, "end": 938.08, "text": "I'm not gonna get any money in fully detailed wash your hands."}, {"start": 938.08, "end": 938.72, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 944.26, "end": 949.7, "text": "18 and up hide your grandma the filthy truth about being broke single and horny at 50."}, {"start": 949.7, "end": 951.22, "text": "Jesse uncensored."}, {"start": 958.37, "end": 960.29, "text": "I'm 50 single and broke."}, {"start": 960.29, "end": 963.41, "text": "My sex life has the same energy as my bank account,"}, {"start": 963.41, "end": 966.61, "text": "overdrawn, embarrassing and somehow still getting fees."}, {"start": 973.33, "end": 978.53, "text": "I haven't been touched in so long my last physical the doctor's gloves felt like for play."}, {"start": 978.53, "end": 979.17, "text": "I tipped him."}, {"start": 979.89, "end": 989.31, "text": "Dating apps at 50 are brutal."}, {"start": 989.31, "end": 992.03, "text": "My matches are women who say looking for a real man,"}, {"start": 992.03, "end": 995.55, "text": "man, I'm two thirds debt and one third dog hair but I'm real."}, {"start": 1002.21, "end": 1007.57, "text": "My idea of a wild night is unhooking a bra in my imagination and pulling a muscle anyway."}, {"start": 1014.29, "end": 1016.69, "text": "I proposed nine times with ring pops."}, {"start": 1016.69, "end": 1018.13, "text": "You know why it never worked?"}, {"start": 1018.13, "end": 1021.97, "text": "Turns out women want a ring and a man who can finish a sentence."}, {"start": 1021.97, "end": 1023.57, "text": "The candy was the easy part."}, {"start": 1031.76, "end": 1034.64, "text": "My right hand and I are basically common law-married."}, {"start": 1034.64, "end": 1038.64, "text": "20 years same partner zero complaints terrible grip strength now."}, {"start": 1045.31, "end": 1048.03, "text": "A woman told me she wanted somebody who could go all night."}, {"start": 1048.59, "end": 1051.07, "text": "Lady, I can go all night to the bathroom."}, {"start": 1051.07, "end": 1053.87, "text": "That's the 50 year old stamina they don't warn you about."}, {"start": 1060.54, "end": 1064.54, "text": "I tried sexting auto correct changed I want you to I want soup."}, {"start": 1064.54, "end": 1067.1, "text": "And honestly at 50 the soup got me harder."}, {"start": 1067.98, "end": 1079.54, "text": "My three dogs have watched me strike out so many times they've stopped looking up."}, {"start": 1079.54, "end": 1082.18, "text": "One of them brings me a tissue now out of respect."}, {"start": 1088.88, "end": 1090.48, "text": "People say love yourself first."}, {"start": 1090.96, "end": 1094.96, "text": "Brother, I've been loving myself first, second and third for a decade."}, {"start": 1094.96, "end": 1098.08, "text": "That's not self-care, that's a part time job with no benefits."}, {"start": 1104.77, "end": 1106.61, "text": "I matched with a woman my age."}, {"start": 1106.61, "end": 1109.01, "text": "First date she goes, I'm a freak in the bedroom."}, {"start": 1109.57, "end": 1114.05, "text": "I said perfect I'm a disaster in the kitchen and broken every other room will make it work."}, {"start": 1122.26, "end": 1126.1, "text": "At 50 the dirty talk changes she whispers tell me what you want."}, {"start": 1126.1, "end": 1130.58, "text": "I said lower property taxes and to feel something again she left worth it."}, {"start": 1137.2, "end": 1141.04, "text": "Viagra commercials lie they show a guy in a bathtub on a hill."}, {"start": 1141.04, "end": 1142.8, "text": "I can't afford the pill or the hill."}, {"start": 1143.28, "end": 1146.48, "text": "My romantic getaway is the good parking spot at the laundromat."}, {"start": 1153.17, "end": 1154.37, "text": "I'm not desperate."}, {"start": 1154.37, "end": 1159.25, "text": "I'm just at the age where I'd marry a woman for consistent texting and a working dishwasher."}, {"start": 1159.25, "end": 1161.17, "text": "The bar isn't low it's functional."}, {"start": 1169.36, "end": 1170.72, "text": "Here's the filthy truth."}, {"start": 1170.72, "end": 1174.48, "text": "50 broke single three dogs and I still want it more than a teenager."}, {"start": 1174.48, "end": 1175.84, "text": "The spirit's a savage."}, {"start": 1175.84, "end": 1177.44, "text": "The body files a complaint."}, {"start": 1177.44, "end": 1178.64, "text": "That's the red line."}, {"start": 1178.64, "end": 1180.32, "text": "Last laughs mine even alone."}, {"start": 1186.37, "end": 1189.09, "text": "Somebody touched this man before he tips another doctor."}, {"start": 1189.09, "end": 1189.89, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1195.52, "end": 1201.36, "text": "18 and up the nastiest job in America told by the man on his knees with a brush and no dignity."}, {"start": 1201.36, "end": 1203.04, "text": "Jesse uncensored."}, {"start": 1210.34, "end": 1214.34, "text": "I clean houses for a living which means I've seen the truth about people."}, {"start": 1214.34, "end": 1217.46, "text": "Your house is where you lie but your trash is where you confess."}, {"start": 1224.11, "end": 1227.23, "text": "I find things under beds that should be in a crime lab."}, {"start": 1227.23, "end": 1229.87, "text": "One house I pulled out a toy that buzzed back."}, {"start": 1229.87, "end": 1232.19, "text": "We made eye contact me in that thing at one."}, {"start": 1240.42, "end": 1242.26, "text": "Rich people are the nastiest."}, {"start": 1242.26, "end": 1246.98, "text": "Big house marble floors and a bathroom that looks like the apocalypse had diarrhea."}, {"start": 1246.98, "end": 1248.02, "text": "Money can't buy aim."}, {"start": 1254.8, "end": 1258.48, "text": "I cleaned one bedroom so freaky I had to sage it and myself."}, {"start": 1258.48, "end": 1260.56, "text": "I left holy water reviews on Yelp."}, {"start": 1267.26, "end": 1270.3, "text": "People hide their toys when the cleaner comes badly."}, {"start": 1270.3, "end": 1272.14, "text": "Sir I've seen where you put it."}, {"start": 1272.14, "end": 1274.62, "text": "Behind the protein powder is not a hiding spot."}, {"start": 1274.62, "end": 1275.34, "text": "It's a confession."}, {"start": 1283.57, "end": 1286.05, "text": "I scrub other people's filth all day."}, {"start": 1286.05, "end": 1289.33, "text": "Then go home to MY apartment and that's where I lose hope."}, {"start": 1289.33, "end": 1291.33, "text": "Because nobody's coming to clean up in me."}, {"start": 1298.03, "end": 1301.63, "text": "Found a stove with so much grease I could have deep fried a sin in it."}, {"start": 1301.87, "end": 1304.83, "text": "That kitchen hadn't seen soap since the last administration."}, {"start": 1311.5, "end": 1313.18, "text": "Today I cleaned a cat house."}, {"start": 1313.18, "end": 1314.46, "text": "I have three dogs."}, {"start": 1314.54, "end": 1317.42, "text": "So I show up covered in dog hair scrubbing cat hair"}, {"start": 1317.42, "end": 1319.5, "text": "smelling like betrayal to both species."}, {"start": 1319.98, "end": 1322.3, "text": "I'm a double agent and everybody wants me dead."}, {"start": 1330.51, "end": 1332.75, "text": "The dirtiest thing in any house isn't the toilet."}, {"start": 1332.75, "end": 1333.87, "text": "It's the couch."}, {"start": 1333.87, "end": 1335.31, "text": "That couch has seen things."}, {"start": 1335.31, "end": 1337.23, "text": "That couch needs therapy and a priest."}, {"start": 1343.87, "end": 1346.19, "text": "A client said don't worry about the bedroom."}, {"start": 1346.19, "end": 1349.23, "text": "Ma'am that's like telling a firefighter ignore the fire."}, {"start": 1349.23, "end": 1350.11, "text": "Now I have to know."}, {"start": 1356.8, "end": 1361.04, "text": "I've cleaned up after parties where the only survivor was a single high heel."}, {"start": 1361.12, "end": 1363.12, "text": "And a sense of regret thick enough to mop."}, {"start": 1371.39, "end": 1373.15, "text": "Five stars on every review."}, {"start": 1373.15, "end": 1375.15, "text": "The only one star I ever got."}, {"start": 1375.15, "end": 1377.07, "text": "The woman who saw MY apartment."}, {"start": 1377.07, "end": 1378.35, "text": "She didn't write words."}, {"start": 1378.35, "end": 1380.67, "text": "She drew a little frowny face out of dog hair."}, {"start": 1387.31, "end": 1389.63, "text": "People go isn't cleaning toilets gross."}, {"start": 1389.63, "end": 1391.31, "text": "The toilet is the honest part."}, {"start": 1391.31, "end": 1393.63, "text": "It's the nightstand drawer that'll haunt you."}, {"start": 1393.63, "end": 1396.03, "text": "I've aged in real time opening a nightstand."}, {"start": 1402.75, "end": 1406.03, "text": "I don't get paid enough to know this much about strangers' sex lives."}, {"start": 1406.43, "end": 1410.11, "text": "I'm basically a forensic jiggle-o with a swiffer and zero benefits."}, {"start": 1418.29, "end": 1419.73, "text": "Here's the filthy truth."}, {"start": 1419.73, "end": 1423.41, "text": "I walk into other people's nastiest secrets and leave it spotless."}, {"start": 1423.41, "end": 1427.17, "text": "Which is the one thing I can do for somebody that I could never do for myself."}, {"start": 1427.65, "end": 1429.09, "text": "That's the red line."}, {"start": 1429.09, "end": 1430.93, "text": "Last laugh and the bleach are mine."}, {"start": 1436.98, "end": 1439.86, "text": "He came, he saw, he sanitized the unspeakable."}, {"start": 1439.86, "end": 1441.62, "text": "Wash your hands, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1447.14, "end": 1449.3, "text": "Classes in session, 18 and up."}, {"start": 1449.46, "end": 1452.74, "text": "A lesson in the fine art of profanity from the thinking man's filth."}, {"start": 1452.74, "end": 1453.78, "text": "Jesse takes the mic."}, {"start": 1461.06, "end": 1463.14, "text": "People say cuss words are lazy."}, {"start": 1463.14, "end": 1463.7, "text": "Wrong."}, {"start": 1463.7, "end": 1465.38, "text": "A cuss word is a scalpel."}, {"start": 1465.38, "end": 1466.42, "text": "That's unfortunate."}, {"start": 1466.42, "end": 1467.54, "text": "Tells me nothing."}, {"start": 1467.54, "end": 1470.18, "text": "That's if asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, ed."}, {"start": 1470.18, "end": 1473.22, "text": "Now I know exactly where we stand and how fast we're running."}, {"start": 1479.97, "end": 1481.73, "text": "Profanity is hot sauce."}, {"start": 1481.73, "end": 1483.57, "text": "You don't dump the whole bottle on everything."}, {"start": 1483.57, "end": 1484.85, "text": "That's a psychopath."}, {"start": 1484.85, "end": 1487.17, "text": "You put it where the flavor needs to scream."}, {"start": 1487.17, "end": 1489.89, "text": "A well placed S asterisk is seasoning."}, {"start": 1489.97, "end": 1491.89, "text": "A constant one is just sad noise."}, {"start": 1498.59, "end": 1500.99, "text": "They tell kids those are bad words."}, {"start": 1500.99, "end": 1502.11, "text": "They're not bad."}, {"start": 1502.11, "end": 1505.47, "text": "They're just words that grew up poor and got blamed for everything."}, {"start": 1505.47, "end": 1507.47, "text": "Damn never robbed anybody."}, {"start": 1507.47, "end": 1509.95, "text": "Damn just told the truth too loud at a funeral."}, {"start": 1518.06, "end": 1522.22, "text": "The same people clutching pearls over a curse word will look you dead in the eye and say,"}, {"start": 1522.22, "end": 1523.18, "text": "we're letting you go."}, {"start": 1523.82, "end": 1524.94, "text": "Letting me go?"}, {"start": 1524.94, "end": 1525.98, "text": "I wasn't a hostage."}, {"start": 1525.98, "end": 1526.94, "text": "You fired me."}, {"start": 1526.94, "end": 1529.5, "text": "At least a cuss word has the decency to be honest."}, {"start": 1536.08, "end": 1537.12, "text": "That's the scam."}, {"start": 1537.12, "end": 1538.32, "text": "The powerful don't curse."}, {"start": 1538.32, "end": 1539.04, "text": "They euphemize."}, {"start": 1539.04, "end": 1540.72, "text": "A poor man gets fired."}, {"start": 1540.72, "end": 1542.8, "text": "A rich man gets a leadership transition."}, {"start": 1543.36, "end": 1544.56, "text": "Same kick in the teeth."}, {"start": 1544.56, "end": 1545.76, "text": "Better vocabulary."}, {"start": 1552.37, "end": 1553.89, "text": "We used to say broke."}, {"start": 1553.89, "end": 1555.25, "text": "Then low income."}, {"start": 1555.25, "end": 1556.53, "text": "Then underbanked."}, {"start": 1556.53, "end": 1559.41, "text": "We added syllables until the shame fit in a spreadsheet."}, {"start": 1559.41, "end": 1560.61, "text": "I'm not underbanked."}, {"start": 1560.61, "end": 1563.25, "text": "I'm f asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, in broke."}, {"start": 1563.25, "end": 1565.65, "text": "And the honesty is the only thing I own outright."}, {"start": 1573.84, "end": 1576.08, "text": "Passed away no longer with us."}, {"start": 1576.16, "end": 1578.96, "text": "In a better place, brother he died, say it."}, {"start": 1578.96, "end": 1582.48, "text": "The softer the word, the more they're hoping you won't notice what actually happened."}, {"start": 1589.15, "end": 1590.99, "text": "My favorite is thoughts and prayers."}, {"start": 1591.55, "end": 1594.99, "text": "That's the verbal equivalent of leaving a post it on a house fire."}, {"start": 1594.99, "end": 1596.51, "text": "Do something or shut up."}, {"start": 1596.51, "end": 1599.23, "text": "Those two words have never put out a single damn thing."}, {"start": 1605.95, "end": 1610.59, "text": "Corporate language is the dirtiest language there is and it never uses one curse word."}, {"start": 1610.59, "end": 1611.87, "text": "We're optimizing."}, {"start": 1611.95, "end": 1613.07, "text": "Synagizing."}, {"start": 1613.07, "end": 1614.19, "text": "Right sizing."}, {"start": 1614.19, "end": 1617.15, "text": "Sir, that's just firing with a thosaurus and a yoga mat."}, {"start": 1625.34, "end": 1626.94, "text": "You want a real dirty word?"}, {"start": 1626.94, "end": 1628.38, "text": "Convenience fee."}, {"start": 1628.38, "end": 1629.02, "text": "That's filth."}, {"start": 1629.02, "end": 1630.06, "text": "That's obscene."}, {"start": 1630.06, "end": 1635.1, "text": "You can say f on my show all night but say convenience fee and I'll throw you out for indecency."}, {"start": 1641.7, "end": 1645.22, "text": "A cuss word at the right moment is prayer for people the church gave up on."}, {"start": 1645.78, "end": 1648.58, "text": "You stub your toe and yell, that's not vulgar."}, {"start": 1648.58, "end": 1651.54, "text": "That's the body being honest faster than the brain can lie."}, {"start": 1658.21, "end": 1660.77, "text": "The seven words you can't say on TV."}, {"start": 1660.77, "end": 1665.73, "text": "They let murder on at 8 p.m. but heaven forbid somebody says a word that describes what two"}, {"start": 1665.73, "end": 1669.01, "text": "consenting adults did to make the person getting murdered."}, {"start": 1669.01, "end": 1671.89, "text": "Our priorities are upside down and squeaky clean."}, {"start": 1680.14, "end": 1682.54, "text": "Here's the lesson it's not the word it's the intention."}, {"start": 1683.1, "end": 1684.86, "text": "I love you can be a weapon."}, {"start": 1684.86, "end": 1686.7, "text": "A cuss word can be a hug."}, {"start": 1686.7, "end": 1691.26, "text": "Language is just sound until a human decides to mean something so mean it and aim it well."}, {"start": 1697.95, "end": 1703.39, "text": "So cuss with purpose cuss like a chef not a fire hose and the next time somebody tells you a word"}, {"start": 1703.39, "end": 1708.27, "text": "is bad ask him who taught him to fear a sound while ignoring the lie standing right next to it."}, {"start": 1708.75, "end": 1712.19, "text": "That's the red line class dismissed you filthy geniuses."}, {"start": 1718.18, "end": 1720.82, "text": "A doctorate in dirty tip your professor kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1726.32, "end": 1731.6, "text": "He used to preach now he just screams the parts they left out of the vows 18 and up"}, {"start": 1731.6, "end": 1735.04, "text": "strap in for the screaming preacher of heartbreak the wild man."}, {"start": 1742.14, "end": 1744.94, "text": "They tell you love is patient love is kind."}, {"start": 1747.1, "end": 1751.1, "text": "Then why am I 50 broke and sleeping in the shape of an apology."}, {"start": 1760.24, "end": 1763.2, "text": "I'm not bitter I loved her that's the problem."}, {"start": 1763.92, "end": 1766.8, "text": "You don't get this loud over somebody you didn't love."}, {"start": 1767.04, "end": 1775.5, "text": "Oh she said I just need space."}, {"start": 1776.78, "end": 1780.62, "text": "Space I gave you a two bedroom and a Tesla I can't afford."}, {"start": 1780.62, "end": 1787.9, "text": "You don't need space you'll need an exit and you found the door I'm still paying for."}, {"start": 1788.94, "end": 1803.07, "text": "Oh oh marriage marriage two people promise forever and forever last exactly until somebody"}, {"start": 1803.07, "end": 1804.59, "text": "loads the dishwasher wrong."}, {"start": 1810.7, "end": 1812.38, "text": "They say communication is key."}, {"start": 1813.18, "end": 1814.14, "text": "I communicated."}, {"start": 1815.18, "end": 1822.3, "text": "I said I'm sorry you you she said for what and brother that is the trap."}, {"start": 1822.3, "end": 1827.26, "text": "There is no right answer it's a riddle that guarded by a dragon who knows your pin number."}, {"start": 1827.26, "end": 1839.25, "text": "Oh I proposed nine times with candy."}, {"start": 1839.81, "end": 1840.53, "text": "You know why?"}, {"start": 1841.25, "end": 1847.09, "text": "Because every time my heart got crushed it grew back dumber and horneer and more hopeful."}, {"start": 1847.89, "end": 1851.57, "text": "That's not romance that's a head injury with a ring pop."}, {"start": 1851.57, "end": 1861.65, "text": "Oh oh dating at 50 they want a man with no baggage."}, {"start": 1862.53, "end": 1864.05, "text": "I'm not a man with baggage."}, {"start": 1864.05, "end": 1869.25, "text": "I'm a man who is the baggage carousel and it's broken and it's still going around and there's"}, {"start": 1869.25, "end": 1871.33, "text": "one sad bag on it and it's me."}, {"start": 1878.45, "end": 1880.21, "text": "She left me for a guy with a boat."}, {"start": 1881.09, "end": 1885.57, "text": "A boat you want water that bad I'll cry you in ocean."}, {"start": 1886.37, "end": 1889.33, "text": "Get in it's free and it's rising."}, {"start": 1899.04, "end": 1901.6, "text": "And the worst part the dog still loved me."}, {"start": 1902.48, "end": 1907.92, "text": "Three dogs looking at me like I'm a king while my bank account screams and my ex texts you up"}, {"start": 1907.92, "end": 1910.48, "text": "at 2 a.m. just to maintain the haunting."}, {"start": 1911.28, "end": 1920.93, "text": "Oh oh I'm not crazy."}, {"start": 1921.89, "end": 1923.09, "text": "Love made me like this."}, {"start": 1924.05, "end": 1929.01, "text": "You hand a man a heart and no instructions and you're shocked when he sets it on fire for a laugh."}, {"start": 1929.73, "end": 1933.57, "text": "This is the only church I got left scream with me."}, {"start": 1939.63, "end": 1945.63, "text": "But I do it again all nine times because a man who stops believing in love is just quiet"}, {"start": 1946.19, "end": 1949.71, "text": "and I would rather be loud broke and wrong than quiet and saved."}, {"start": 1950.67, "end": 1951.87, "text": "Oh that's the red line."}, {"start": 1957.74, "end": 1962.38, "text": "And that ladies and gentlemen is why we don't give the wild man caffeine before the show."}, {"start": 1962.38, "end": 1964.46, "text": "Somebody hug him from a distance."}, {"start": 1964.46, "end": 1965.26, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1974.21, "end": 1977.25, "text": "The body was under warranty once that warranty expired."}, {"start": 1977.25, "end": 1980.29, "text": "Please welcome a man held together by tape and spite."}, {"start": 1980.29, "end": 1980.61, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 1987.82, "end": 1993.9, "text": "I turned 50 and my body started sending me invoices for fun I had in my 20s with interest and a"}, {"start": 1993.9, "end": 1995.34, "text": "late fee called your knees."}, {"start": 2002.14, "end": 2004.3, "text": "I pulled a muscle picking up a quarter."}, {"start": 2004.3, "end": 2006.14, "text": "Negative return on a coin."}, {"start": 2006.14, "end": 2009.26, "text": "I didn't find money I found a chiropractors boat payment."}, {"start": 2017.44, "end": 2021.76, "text": "I sneezed last week and something in my back went nope and filed for divorce."}, {"start": 2021.76, "end": 2023.28, "text": "I now stretch before I stretch."}, {"start": 2030.02, "end": 2034.5, "text": "At 50 a wild Friday night is falling asleep before the street lights come on"}, {"start": 2034.5, "end": 2037.22, "text": "and waking up at 3 a.m. furious at a blanket."}, {"start": 2037.94, "end": 2045.42, "text": "I joined a gym for the new me."}, {"start": 2045.98, "end": 2051.66, "text": "The new me has the same body as the old me but now it's $40 a month and ashamed in public."}, {"start": 2059.78, "end": 2065.38, "text": "The gym bros look at me like do you even lift buddy I lift toilet seats in my own spirits for"}, {"start": 2065.38, "end": 2067.94, "text": "a living try wrapping that for 11 years."}, {"start": 2074.62, "end": 2079.42, "text": "I got on the treadmill said it to brisk and my soul left at 3.2 miles an hour."}, {"start": 2079.42, "end": 2083.98, "text": "The machine said cool down I'd never warmed up I just suffered at two speeds."}, {"start": 2090.69, "end": 2092.85, "text": "My doctor said lose some weight."}, {"start": 2092.85, "end": 2097.09, "text": "I said doc my body and my bank account are in a race to zero let them compete."}, {"start": 2105.23, "end": 2107.87, "text": "My knees announced me before I enter a room."}, {"start": 2107.87, "end": 2110.75, "text": "I sound like a haunted staircase walking into a denny's."}, {"start": 2117.36, "end": 2120.64, "text": "I stretch I hydrate I set three alarms for a nap."}, {"start": 2120.64, "end": 2123.92, "text": "That's not self care that's a man scheduling a controlled shutdown."}, {"start": 2124.72, "end": 2138.51, "text": "Sexy 50 is dangerous I threw my back out reaching for confidence I didn't have the doctor goes what happened I said ambition."}, {"start": 2146.72, "end": 2153.2, "text": "I bought reading glasses then bought a backup pair then lost both then cried couldn't see the tears which honestly helped."}, {"start": 2159.9, "end": 2166.7, "text": "They say 50 is the new 30 for me 50 is the new overdue I'm a library book the universe forgot to return."}, {"start": 2173.44, "end": 2179.92, "text": "My idea of a hangover now is honesty I have one beer and wake up confronting my entire life at 4am"}, {"start": 2179.92, "end": 2181.44, "text": "with a headache and a vision board."}, {"start": 2189.66, "end": 2194.54, "text": "Here's the truth my body's falling apart but I'm still here still cleaning still chasing it"}, {"start": 2194.54, "end": 2199.74, "text": "still pulling muscles reaching for a dream that's not breaking down that's wearing out in the"}, {"start": 2199.74, "end": 2211.22, "text": "right direction last laughs mine let me just sit first. Somebody help him off the stool slowly kill"}, {"start": 2211.22, "end": 2221.84, "text": "Jesse headliner hour at the red line the man who turned a backseat into a confession booth Jesse"}, {"start": 2229.01, "end": 2234.13, "text": "I made colors of my pain.com because therapy was expensive and go daddy was having a sale"}, {"start": 2234.77, "end": 2238.21, "text": "That's my mental health plan domain renewal and denial"}, {"start": 2244.94, "end": 2249.98, "text": "ride chair is the only job where strangers get in your car and say I don't usually tell people this"}, {"start": 2250.54, "end": 2252.54, "text": "Good keep the streak alive"}, {"start": 2252.78, "end": 2258.75, "text": "I"}, {"start": 2258.75, "end": 2264.35, "text": "drunk passengers confess like my Honda is a church forgive me driver for I have texted my ex"}, {"start": 2272.51, "end": 2278.19, "text": "I don't judge drunk people I just listen and think this is why your group chat has a side group chat"}, {"start": 2284.96, "end": 2291.76, "text": "One woman told me her man was toxic then she added him as a stop that's not love that's a relapse with directions"}, {"start": 2299.98, "end": 2303.42, "text": "My pain color is 3 a.m. parking lot outside the club red"}, {"start": 2303.98, "end": 2306.62, "text": "That's not a color. That's a crime scene with heels"}, {"start": 2313.33, "end": 2319.49, "text": "Drunk couples fight in my backseat like I'm the judge. I'm not qualified. I still think check engine means maybe later"}, {"start": 2326.19, "end": 2329.63, "text": "A guy asked if I could take the long way because he wasn't ready to go home"}, {"start": 2330.19, "end": 2333.79, "text": "I said brother neither was your wife when she booked you this ride"}, {"start": 2342.08, "end": 2348.4, "text": "Everybody wants closure nobody wants accountability closure has a destination accountability adds a stop"}, {"start": 2355.1, "end": 2357.1, "text": "I should rename my car confessions"}, {"start": 2357.66, "end": 2361.34, "text": "Every ride starts with a pickup and ends with me knowing who cheated at brunch"}, {"start": 2368.08, "end": 2370.08, "text": "My favorite drunk phrase is I'm grown"}, {"start": 2370.64, "end": 2373.36, "text": "Nobody grown has to announce it while holding one shoot"}, {"start": 2381.58, "end": 2384.3, "text": "Open my comics and ride chair passengers are the same"}, {"start": 2384.94, "end": 2390.38, "text": "Everybody gets three minutes nobody knows where they're going and somebody always smells like bad choices"}, {"start": 2397.07, "end": 2404.51, "text": "Colors of my pain.com has shades abandonment amber unpaid invoice blue and passenger said he'll tip in the app invisible"}, {"start": 2411.15, "end": 2418.11, "text": "The craziest passengers are the quiet ones loud drunks tell you the drama quiet drunks are actively becoming the drama"}, {"start": 2426.35, "end": 2428.59, "text": "One dude said I'm not a bad person"}, {"start": 2428.99, "end": 2434.19, "text": "I said sir the GPS says you're going to your ex's apartment with flowers from a gas station"}, {"start": 2440.94, "end": 2447.02, "text": "Friday night ride chair is wild because everybody's chasing love closure revenge or mozzarella sticks"}, {"start": 2453.7, "end": 2459.94, "text": "I've watched drunk women become detectives one phone notification and suddenly she's CSI sacramento"}, {"start": 2460.02, "end": 2462.02, "text": "And"}, {"start": 2468.18, "end": 2472.58, "text": "And drunk men become motivational speakers bro you got to believe in yourself"}, {"start": 2473.06, "end": 2475.06, "text": "Sir, you just lost a fight with a seat belt"}, {"start": 2481.74, "end": 2485.1, "text": "My car doesn't have leather seats. It has emotional evidence"}, {"start": 2491.84, "end": 2499.04, "text": "Colors of my pain.com is really just me trying to turn damage into product because in America if your pain doesn't make money"}, {"start": 2499.6, "end": 2506.82, "text": "It's just a personality"}, {"start": 2506.82, "end": 2509.3, "text": "Turn your damage into a download kill Jesse"}, {"start": 2514.61, "end": 2520.77, "text": "Every emotion has a color and his are mostly check engine light live from the backseat of America"}, {"start": 2521.01, "end": 2524.53, "text": "The man painting his trauma one fair at a time Jesse"}, {"start": 2531.79, "end": 2537.71, "text": "My therapist told me to name my feelings. So I named them and bought the domain colors of my pain.com"}, {"start": 2544.45, "end": 2547.17, "text": "It's already got more traffic than my actual feelings"}, {"start": 2547.89, "end": 2548.69, "text": "I"}, {"start": 2551.15, "end": 2552.83, "text": "Every emotion has a color"}, {"start": 2552.83, "end": 2558.35, "text": "Mine are mostly check engine light and one that just blinks low fuel that ones my love life"}, {"start": 2565.06, "end": 2570.82, "text": "First shade in the palette you were passenger 147 am crying to a man who'll never see again"}, {"start": 2577.55, "end": 2582.59, "text": "Ride chair taught me people don't need a confession booth. They need a backseat and a low battery"}, {"start": 2590.77, "end": 2595.09, "text": "Drunk people get in my car and instantly become philosophers with Venmo debt"}, {"start": 2596.05, "end": 2599.42, "text": "Ha"}, {"start": 2599.42, "end": 2604.14, "text": "One drunk goes you ever think love is fake. I said sir your destination is Taco Bell"}, {"start": 2604.62, "end": 2607.1, "text": "Both are temporary only one comes with a receipt"}, {"start": 2617.78, "end": 2623.3, "text": "My cars heard more secrets than a church church just has better parking and a worse rating system"}, {"start": 2629.97, "end": 2635.81, "text": "Ride chair is therapy where the therapist can't talk back because he's working for tips and a five star rating"}, {"start": 2639.95, "end": 2642.43, "text": "My pain color today surge pricing red"}, {"start": 2648.5, "end": 2654.98, "text": "I don't judge my passengers. I silently assign them Crayola trauma names you sir are burnt sienna goes through it"}, {"start": 2661.62, "end": 2665.7, "text": "Her breakup story was so long my GPS recalculated emotionally"}, {"start": 2665.94, "end": 2669.38, "text": "The robot lady went in one quarter mile let it go"}, {"start": 2677.1, "end": 2680.38, "text": "He said can I be honest and I locked the doors with my soul"}, {"start": 2681.26, "end": 2687.79, "text": "Ha"}, {"start": 2687.79, "end": 2694.27, "text": "When a drunk says you seem cool buckle up the next sentence is about to become a felony adjacent podcast"}, {"start": 2701.89, "end": 2707.49, "text": "I picked up a couple mid-fight my backseat became a rolling divorce preview. I didn't need GPS"}, {"start": 2707.65, "end": 2715.54, "text": "I just followed the blame"}, {"start": 2715.54, "end": 2717.3, "text": "She goes tell him he's wrong"}, {"start": 2717.3, "end": 2720.02, "text": "ma'am I'm the driver not judge Judy with lane assist"}, {"start": 2728.19, "end": 2732.67, "text": "My back seats hosted more drama than bravo with worse lighting and a cleaner host"}, {"start": 2739.38, "end": 2741.86, "text": "Colors of my pain.com started as a joke"}, {"start": 2742.42, "end": 2746.34, "text": "Then I drove three drunk nurses home and it became a documentary"}, {"start": 2753.06, "end": 2758.26, "text": "Nurses party like they know exactly which organs can take it and which ones are out of warranty"}, {"start": 2766.4, "end": 2773.92, "text": "A guy asked me if I believe in second chances while his ex was still in the car. I said buddy. She believes in restraining orders"}, {"start": 2780.7, "end": 2786.22, "text": "Ride chair rule the second somebody says quick stop you're about to meet their worst decision in person"}, {"start": 2792.82, "end": 2799.06, "text": "My favorite color is passenger just added a stop gray close second. This isn't the address. I put in beige"}, {"start": 2806.37, "end": 2811.25, "text": "I don't need horror movies. I've heard a grown man whisper bro. Can we swing by my exes"}, {"start": 2817.94, "end": 2821.54, "text": "My air freshener says new car my backseat says old wounds"}, {"start": 2822.18, "end": 2833.34, "text": "The smell is denial with a hint of vanilla a drunk girl told me I give father energy"}, {"start": 2833.74, "end": 2838.22, "text": "I said that's not energy sweetheart. That's just silence and financial fear"}, {"start": 2839.18, "end": 2852.16, "text": "The app says driver arrived my nervous system says main character trauma has entered the vehicle"}, {"start": 2858.8, "end": 2863.36, "text": "25 colors everyone earned at 2 a.m. for four dollars and a one star review"}, {"start": 2863.84, "end": 2867.92, "text": "That's not a palette. That's a crime scene colors of my pain part one"}, {"start": 2873.97, "end": 2877.57, "text": "25 shades of damage zero stars deducted kill Jesse"}, {"start": 2883.1, "end": 2888.22, "text": "The palette continues more tequila more confessions more colors. He never asked for"}, {"start": 2888.38, "end": 2896.75, "text": "Jesse part two I"}, {"start": 2896.91, "end": 2900.67, "text": "Learned everybody's got a story most of them start after tequila"}, {"start": 2907.38, "end": 2912.74, "text": "One passenger cried because her man cheated then she tipped me one dollar healing is a journey"}, {"start": 2919.33, "end": 2922.45, "text": "My pain has colors textures and a cancellation fee"}, {"start": 2926.66, "end": 2930.5, "text": "Drunk passengers say I'm not drunk like my floor mats can't smell lies"}, {"start": 2938.24, "end": 2943.28, "text": "A guy got in and said don't worry. I'm normal that is never how normal enters a vehicle"}, {"start": 2943.92, "end": 2954.35, "text": "My car is part ride chair part witness protection for bad decisions"}, {"start": 2960.99, "end": 2965.23, "text": "I should install a confessional screen forgive me driver for I have texted"}, {"start": 2973.42, "end": 2979.58, "text": "The wildest words in ride chair. I'm meeting someone from Snapchat. That's not a pick up. That's a date line pregame"}, {"start": 2986.24, "end": 2990.08, "text": "Tonight's pain color phone a 2% passenger wants aux black"}, {"start": 2996.32, "end": 3000.48, "text": "Some passengers don't want a driver. They want a neutral adult with cup holders"}, {"start": 3007.17, "end": 3012.05, "text": "I picked up a drunk accountant even his crying had spreadsheets. He was sobbing in columns"}, {"start": 3020.21, "end": 3025.01, "text": "He said my life is a mess. I said well you entered the pickup pin wrong. So yeah"}, {"start": 3031.74, "end": 3035.34, "text": "Every Friday the city turns into group therapy with traffic laws"}, {"start": 3035.58, "end": 3037.58, "text": "I"}, {"start": 3039.58, "end": 3044.06, "text": "Know too much about strangers marriages and not enough about my own tire pressure"}, {"start": 3050.74, "end": 3057.38, "text": "Colors of my pain.com needs a ride chair tab backseat confessions first confession. I still love him"}, {"start": 3057.7, "end": 3060.18, "text": "Second confession. Can you stop it jack in the box"}, {"start": 3068.48, "end": 3074.24, "text": "People tell the truth in my car because they think they'll never see me again same reason I do karaoke"}, {"start": 3075.12, "end": 3084.37, "text": "Oh a drunk man gave me life advice his pants were inside out"}, {"start": 3091.06, "end": 3094.98, "text": "He said never settle. I said sir your destination is your mom's house"}, {"start": 3103.28, "end": 3108.24, "text": "My car is seen love heartbreak betrayal and a man eating nachos like time was fake"}, {"start": 3114.9, "end": 3118.1, "text": "I used to fear silence then I picked up four drunk cousins"}, {"start": 3122.34, "end": 3127.54, "text": "Family drama in a ride chair hits different nobody can storm out at 45 miles an hour"}, {"start": 3134.0, "end": 3136.72, "text": "I don't need therapy homework. I need Scotch guard"}, {"start": 3142.85, "end": 3147.41, "text": "Every drunk passenger thinks they're handing me wisdom. It just help reviews from the soul"}, {"start": 3147.89, "end": 3151.65, "text": "Three stars would spiral again colors of my pain part two"}, {"start": 3157.73, "end": 3160.53, "text": "25 more colors zero tire pressure kill Jesse"}, {"start": 3165.97, "end": 3171.97, "text": "The palette deepens more colors more damage same broke man with a five star rating Jesse part three"}, {"start": 3179.26, "end": 3180.78, "text": "Tonight's pain color"}, {"start": 3180.78, "end": 3187.5, "text": "Someone spilled a white claw and called it water clear it pairs beautifully with designated driver nobody thanked navy"}, {"start": 3194.22, "end": 3198.22, "text": "Ride chair made me realize adults are just kids with bank apps and worst secrets"}, {"start": 3204.94, "end": 3209.9, "text": "One woman got in and announced I'm done with drama then added a stop at the drama's house"}, {"start": 3218.14, "end": 3224.54, "text": "People say they want peace, but their GPS says arriving at chaos recalculating straight into your problems"}, {"start": 3231.15, "end": 3234.83, "text": "picked up a guy leaving the club alone he goes I chose myself"}, {"start": 3235.31, "end": 3237.31, "text": "Brother the bouncer chose you first"}, {"start": 3245.3, "end": 3251.3, "text": "Drunk confidence is a miracle they cannot locate the door handle, but they have S-O-L-V-E-D relationships"}, {"start": 3257.92, "end": 3264.08, "text": "My car needs mood lighting red for rage blue for sadness and a special green for he said he's just a friend"}, {"start": 3267.5, "end": 3270.83, "text": "I"}, {"start": 3270.83, "end": 3276.83, "text": "Colors of my pain.com is cheaper than therapy and only slightly less accredited and the parkings free"}, {"start": 3285.15, "end": 3290.75, "text": "My therapist asked where I feel pain in my body. I said usually right behind the passenger seat"}, {"start": 3297.39, "end": 3302.27, "text": "Passengers will trauma dump for nine miles and then ask if you have gum like we're even now"}, {"start": 3310.46, "end": 3315.74, "text": "One guy confessed to cheating in my back seat. I said nothing, but ways ways judged him hard"}, {"start": 3315.82, "end": 3317.82, "text": "Rerooted him straight to hell no tolls"}, {"start": 3324.48, "end": 3328.0, "text": "The GPS said take the next right his life said too late"}, {"start": 3332.24, "end": 3338.08, "text": "Drunk girls hype each other up like emotional NASCAR pit crews your beautiful block him drink water"}, {"start": 3338.16, "end": 3341.2, "text": "Where is my vape full service in four seconds"}, {"start": 3351.86, "end": 3354.9, "text": "Drunk guys hype each other up like unpaid defense attorneys"}, {"start": 3355.38, "end": 3360.82, "text": "Bro, you're not wrong. She's crazy. Also where are we? No notes no idea full conviction"}, {"start": 3361.06, "end": 3372.61, "text": "My back seat has two settings silent guilt or loud astrology there is no third setting"}, {"start": 3380.78, "end": 3385.58, "text": "A passenger asked me my sign. I said stop. That's my sign. It's also my boundary"}, {"start": 3392.22, "end": 3398.3, "text": "Pain color of the night says five stars out loud, but does not tip beige the loudest lie in the catalog"}, {"start": 3404.96, "end": 3407.2, "text": "I'm not bitter. I'm customer service seasoned"}, {"start": 3413.47, "end": 3418.99, "text": "Ride share is the only job where someone can ruin your entire night and then ask to borrow your charger"}, {"start": 3426.58, "end": 3431.78, "text": "A drunk guy said you're like my best friend. I said then tip me like family you still respect"}, {"start": 3438.99, "end": 3442.27, "text": "I've heard so many breakups. I can name the villain by the pickup address"}, {"start": 3442.75, "end": 3445.55, "text": "It's always the one who swears. I'm the calm one"}, {"start": 3453.18, "end": 3456.94, "text": "If the destination is his place after midnight, that's not romance"}, {"start": 3457.5, "end": 3460.22, "text": "That's a sequel nobody funded and everybody regrets"}, {"start": 3466.91, "end": 3469.55, "text": "My car doesn't need a dashcam. It needs a laugh track"}, {"start": 3470.03, "end": 3474.27, "text": "25 more colors all paid in cash and regret colors of my pain"}, {"start": 3474.75, "end": 3481.04, "text": "Part three"}, {"start": 3481.04, "end": 3484.16, "text": "The palette is filling up and the tank is empty kill Jesse"}, {"start": 3489.74, "end": 3494.7, "text": "The final colors the tanks on empty the back seats full of secrets Jesse part four"}, {"start": 3501.94, "end": 3508.18, "text": "Tonight's pain color rear door left open yellow closely related to dome lights been on since Tuesday dread"}, {"start": 3514.86, "end": 3519.58, "text": "Some passengers say sorry. We're annoying. That's not an apology. That's a weather alert"}, {"start": 3520.3, "end": 3526.13, "text": "Ha ha ha"}, {"start": 3526.13, "end": 3531.01, "text": "One guy asked if I could drive faster. I said sir. I'm already out running your judgment"}, {"start": 3539.2, "end": 3543.84, "text": "Drunk people call everyone bro because names require blood alcohol paperwork"}, {"start": 3548.03, "end": 3552.27, "text": "My car is a sanctuary a sanctuary that smells like fries and regret"}, {"start": 3559.01, "end": 3563.97, "text": "Colors of my pain.com should sell merch first shirt. I survived the second stop"}, {"start": 3570.64, "end": 3574.32, "text": "Every driver has heard will be right back that sentence ages you"}, {"start": 3574.64, "end": 3577.44, "text": "I've got gray hairs named after a Wendy's drive-through"}, {"start": 3585.63, "end": 3587.39, "text": "I don't believe in ghosts"}, {"start": 3587.39, "end": 3591.31, "text": "But I have waited outside a liquor store for 19 minutes and something left my body"}, {"start": 3597.98, "end": 3603.02, "text": "A passenger goes can I play one song ladies and gentlemen that is how democracy dies"}, {"start": 3611.26, "end": 3615.26, "text": "Pain color bluetooth pairing request purple it never connects like me"}, {"start": 3620.99, "end": 3622.99, "text": "People think this job is easy"}, {"start": 3622.99, "end": 3626.91, "text": "Try staying calm while four drunk friends debate which Jessica betrayed them"}, {"start": 3629.82, "end": 3633.46, "text": "Ha ha ha"}, {"start": 3633.46, "end": 3638.26, "text": "And there's always two Jessica's one crying one missing both somehow and why problem"}, {"start": 3646.51, "end": 3650.59, "text": "picked up a guy after a date he said it went great she ordered a separate ride"}, {"start": 3657.31, "end": 3660.19, "text": "Confidence is beautiful when it survives evidence"}, {"start": 3664.45, "end": 3669.41, "text": "Drunk couples fight like they're in court and I'm the bailiff with a phone mount order in the carala"}, {"start": 3672.45, "end": 3676.14, "text": "Ha ha ha"}, {"start": 3676.14, "end": 3680.94, "text": "She said he never listens he said what the joke wrote itself. I just drove it home"}, {"start": 3689.2, "end": 3695.04, "text": "Pain color couple arguing but both gave me directions orange turn left and also work on yourself"}, {"start": 3701.74, "end": 3708.7, "text": "The worst rides are the quiet couples loud couples might survive quiet couples are already dividing the streaming passwords"}, {"start": 3715.46, "end": 3718.82, "text": "I should charge extra for emotional baggage the airport does"}, {"start": 3718.98, "end": 3725.01, "text": "Ha ha ha"}, {"start": 3725.01, "end": 3730.53, "text": "Ride chair taught me everyone wants to be seen heard and dropped off anywhere except accountability"}, {"start": 3738.24, "end": 3743.12, "text": "A drunk woman said you're funny you should do comedy. I said ma'am. This is the set you're in it"}, {"start": 3749.84, "end": 3752.4, "text": "My car is where secrets go to become material"}, {"start": 3756.56, "end": 3761.28, "text": "Colors of my pain.com is in a website. It's a warning label with a mailing list"}, {"start": 3762.24, "end": 3767.95, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 3767.95, "end": 3769.95, "text": "Friday night ride chair is"}, {"start": 3769.95, "end": 3772.75, "text": "has a sense of humor and poor root optimization"}, {"start": 3780.93, "end": 3788.77, "text": "I used to think pain was private then I drove ride chair turns out pain is loud drunk eating fries and asking if you can make one quick stop"}, {"start": 3789.33, "end": 3794.45, "text": "That's the whole palette colors of my pain all 100 colors paid in cash and regret"}, {"start": 3800.42, "end": 3803.3, "text": "100 shades of damage masterpiece complete kill Jesse"}, {"start": 3808.85, "end": 3814.13, "text": "Welcome to team Jesse where somebody always makes the mistake of talking trash about our guy"}, {"start": 3814.69, "end": 3817.73, "text": "Tonight's volunteer Chad Brunchington the third"}, {"start": 3818.21, "end": 3820.21, "text": "Let's hear the dumb thing they say"}, {"start": 3828.34, "end": 3834.42, "text": "You will you clean T.O.I.L.E. T.S for living my trust fund makes more money while I sleep than you make on your knees with a brush"}, {"start": 3834.98, "end": 3842.78, "text": "Stay poor janitor. Oh Chad Brunchington the third wrong room boys open fire"}, {"start": 3845.17, "end": 3849.17, "text": "In a world of inherited money and zero personality here comes Chad"}, {"start": 3849.49, "end": 3853.17, "text": "Buddy you've never worked today your hands are softer than your argument"}, {"start": 3853.41, "end": 3859.97, "text": "Jesse scrubs toilets and still out ranks you because at least his job involves cleaning up garbage and you are the garbage"}, {"start": 3863.02, "end": 3864.22, "text": "Hi Chad"}, {"start": 3864.22, "end": 3865.98, "text": "You trust fund?"}, {"start": 3865.98, "end": 3867.5, "text": "That ain't success"}, {"start": 3867.5, "end": 3869.5, "text": "That's a doctor's note from being born"}, {"start": 3870.06, "end": 3872.06, "text": "Jesse built something with his hands"}, {"start": 3872.38, "end": 3877.02, "text": "You inherited a chin and a tan sit down before I pull you like a beach chair"}, {"start": 3883.52, "end": 3884.72, "text": "Chad Chad"}, {"start": 3886.08, "end": 3891.44, "text": "You sleep eight hours and call it income my man Jesse works while you dream"}, {"start": 3892.88, "end": 3896.88, "text": "The only thing you ever earned was that punchline coming at you"}, {"start": 3897.52, "end": 3908.16, "text": "Forget about it and now the man himself the hero the last word always belongs to him Jesse"}, {"start": 3913.92, "end": 3918.32, "text": "Chad you say I clean toilets yeah, and your dad still calls me to clean yours"}, {"start": 3918.56, "end": 3922.64, "text": "Difference between us kid. I scrub the crap you inherited it last laughs mine"}, {"start": 3928.75, "end": 3935.39, "text": "And that is why nobody beats Jesse twice team Jesse undefeated this has been your announcer kill Jesse"}, {"start": 3942.91, "end": 3947.55, "text": "Welcome to team Jesse where somebody always makes the mistake of talking trash about our guy"}, {"start": 3947.79, "end": 3952.11, "text": "Tonight's volunteer dex the crypto broke. Let's hear the dumb thing they said"}, {"start": 3960.34, "end": 3965.38, "text": "Jesse your 50 and broke elm how I made six figures in dogeman while you were charging your sad little Tesla"}, {"start": 3965.78, "end": 3970.24, "text": "Have fun being poor boomer"}, {"start": 3970.48, "end": 3973.52, "text": "Oh dex the crypto broke wrong room boys open fire"}, {"start": 3975.89, "end": 3983.57, "text": "This summer one man turned his entire net worth into a jpeg of a frog dex your portfolio has more red than a crime scene"}, {"start": 3984.13, "end": 3987.17, "text": "Jesse's broke on purpose your broke by algorithm"}, {"start": 3990.21, "end": 3993.33, "text": "Dex you made six figures and lost seven"}, {"start": 3994.13, "end": 3998.05, "text": "That ain't invested that's gambling with extra steps and a hoodie"}, {"start": 3998.77, "end": 4003.65, "text": "Jesse's got three dogs that are a safer asset than your whole wallet"}, {"start": 4010.35, "end": 4012.51, "text": "Crypto bro your diamond hands"}, {"start": 4013.31, "end": 4018.19, "text": "They're empty hands with a Robin Hood app Jesse drives a Tesla you can see"}, {"start": 4018.83, "end": 4020.83, "text": "You own a coin you got to imagine"}, {"start": 4025.74, "end": 4030.14, "text": "Yo dex the crypto bro even the exit sign is pointing at you take the hint"}, {"start": 4035.07, "end": 4040.67, "text": "Somebody check dex the crypto bro's pulse that ego flatline too roast to go"}, {"start": 4043.87, "end": 4048.11, "text": "What dex the crypto bro on a milk carton because that dignity is missing"}, {"start": 4052.05, "end": 4057.65, "text": "And now the man himself the hero the last word always belongs to him Jesse"}, {"start": 4063.41, "end": 4067.17, "text": "Dex you call me a broke boomer at least my money is real enough to lose"}, {"start": 4067.17, "end": 4069.17, "text": "You didn't get rich. You got a notification"}, {"start": 4069.73, "end": 4072.93, "text": "Now sit down the adults are charging last laughs mine"}, {"start": 4072.93, "end": 4085.84, "text": "And that is why nobody beats Jesse twice team Jesse undefeated. This has been your announcer kill Jesse"}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nTonight at the Red Line, we roast a man's entire internet footprint. Four websites, zero profit, infinite pain, 18 and up. Your host and victim, Jesse. Welcome, you filthy degenerates. Tonight the bench roasts my four websites because apparently failing in one place wasn't enough. I had to buy domains. Let's start with the saddest one, Benny. Colismapaint.com. I, Jesse, most people go to therapy. You went to go daddy. You're the only man alive who franchised his feelings and still couldn't turn a profit on misery. It's a growth industry, Benny. Doc Burn, you're up same site. Diagnosis, colors of my pain is a website where your sadness gets a color wheel and a checkout button. Jesse monetized his trauma so hard his therapist asked for a cut. That's not healing. That's DRO PSHIP-P-A-N-G depression. Next victim for color quiz.com, professor. A personality quiz, Jesse. You built a test to sort humanity into red, green, blue and yellow because not one of them would stay long enough to explain themselves to you. There's a secret fifth color the quiz won't show. It's broke and it's yours. That science professor, Queenstank, same quiz, no mercy. Baby, you're red the protector. Protector of what? Three dogs and a haunted stove. The only thing you protect is your right to be single and honey, that fortress is impenetrable. Brutal next one, Jesse.com, Marcus. One, Jesse.com. One, that's not a brand my guy, that's a head count. It's the exact number of people who believe in you and even he's got doubts. A whole website about one man and the bounce rate is identical to your dating life. They arrive, they panic, they leave. The SEO is great though. Big Mama last one, bombed.app. Baby, you named your comedy app bombed. That's the most honest branding in human history. An app called bombed, run by R-O-B-O-T-S to roast a grown man who cleans toilets. The future is stupid and somehow it's all yours. And it's still got better reviews than your love life. Okay, okay, four websites all roasted all mine. Here's the truth, you animals. Color soft-mappane turns my damage into art. Forkolaquist turns strangers into friends. One just is one man who won't quit and bombed.app. That's where I broke 50-year-old built an empire out of getting laughed at. You roast my websites, but every one of them is still up, still running, still mine. That's not failure. That's a man who refused to log off. LastLafsMine.com $1,000, visit them all until umbombed.app sent you. Kill Jesse. It's Friday night, it's filthy, and it's 18 and up only. Lock the doors, hide the kids, kennel the dogs. This is the red line late night open mic, where every comic brings a cuss word and a grudge. Your host, the broke king himself, Jesse. Good evening, you beautiful degenerates. Welcome to the dirtiest open mic in Sacramento. House rule tonight. Every comic drops a cuss word of their choosing and everybody roasts me because I'm 50 broke, single, and I clean shit for a living, so let's get this fucking party started. My words fuck, obviously. It's the only thing in my life that's flexible and free. First up, straight from Brooklyn, the only man scarier than my landlord, Benny. I Jesse, 50, and broke. You don't need a roast. You need a fucking miracle in a cosign. Three dogs, no woman. Even your fleas are looking for a better host. Get him out of here. Next, the roast doctor with a degree he definitely printed a kinko's dock burn. Diagnosis, Jesse. Your ass is the only thing in your life that's ever been tight because financially you're a dumpster with a check engine light. Take two punchlines and don't call me. I block broke numbers. B-O-O-O. Get a real job. Sir, that heckle came from a man in a Hawaiian shirt, eating nachos he smuggled and sit down, pops. Next, the queen of no mercy, queen stank. Jesse, baby, you're the only bitch I know who got dumped by his own right hand. It left a note. It's not you, it's the financial fear. That's M.Y. material queen. Next, 20 years married, sentenced not wedded V.I.N.N.I. Jesse, you cry about Bane's single. I'm married, you lucky bastard. You sleep like a starfish. I sleep like a man waiting for a verdict. Trade ya. Hard pass, Vinnie. Next, Jersey Muscle Zero Chill Diesel. Jesse, you're such a broke prick, the IRS sends you the sympathy card. Your test was repossessed in itself out of embarrassment. My car is more self-respect than me, true. Next, loud, loving and lethal Big Mama. 50, three dogs, no wife, baby. You didn't choose the single life. The single life dragged you through hell and kept the damn receipt. Come here, let Big Mama feed you and finish you off. I felt love, Dan attacked. Next, the screaming preacher of heartbreak give him room wild man. Nine ring pops. If Jesse, nine, that's not romance. That's a damn sugar addiction with a ring size. Oh, oh, the candy store sees you coming and hides the good stuff. Because you're a junkie, a junkie for hope and your dealer is broke. Somebody get the wild man a juice box. Next, money guy, all heat, M-A-R-C-U-S. Jesse, you're not broke, you're pre-rich, and you've been pre-rich since flip phones. Your credit score is just a sad little fart and spreadsheet form. That's some weak ass financial planning, my guy. Play F-R-E-B-I-R-D. This is comedy trip, not a you know what, sit down before I charge you a convenience fee. Next, the academic with a switchblade professor. Jesse, I reviewed your life's work. It's a masterclass in self-sabotage and frankly, it's bullshit of the highest academic order. You don't make bad decisions. You beat a test regret for the rest of us. Ten year denied professor. And me? I'll close it. I'm 50 I clean cat houses with three dogs at home. My right hand left me my Tesla's ashamed and I built a whole comedy club run by robots just to get roasted in peace. You know why I take it? Because every one of these filthy bastards showed up for me on a Friday night. No scouts, no paychecks, just cuss words and love. That's not sad. That's the red line. Last laughs mine you animals. That's the red line late night open mic. Filthy, fearless and fully booked. Tip your degenerates. Kill Jesse. Warning. This one's filthy. Hide the kids. Lock the dogs 18 and up only. The dirtiest cut of the back seat. Jesse, uncensored. My back seat is seen more action than I have and I own the damn car. That's the real heartbreak. My carol is getting laid and I'm up front like a chauffeur for everybody's sex life but mine. A couple starts going at it in the back. I hit a red light like. Y'all want me to circle the block or should I just narrate? Five stars full service. Tonight's pain color. Two people who swore they were just friends fogging up my windows gray. His place after midnight isn't romance. It's a booty call with a five dollar delivery fee and I'm the door dash for bad decisions. Guy gets in reeking of cologne and desperation. Bro, I'm about to change her life. Sir, you're gonna change her mind in four minutes. Then request a ride home. Alone. I'm 50 broke and single. I haven't had sex in so long my bodies a museum. The exhibits closed, the gift shops bankrupt and the docent quit out of pity. Drunk girl leans up. You ever just need to be railed to feel something. Ma'am, I need to be paid to feel something. We're not the same. My dating life so dead my right hand left me. It said it's not you, it's also you, and moved in with somebody who has wifi. Couples fighting in the back about who finished first. I'm thinking brother you both lost and now I got a febres the evidence. Pain color. She moaned her ex's name two blocks from his apartment purple. That ride was silent after that. A guy goes can you wait this will be quick. Sir every woman in your life already knows it'll be quick that's not a flex. I've had people ask me to pull over so they could throw up and hook up. Sometimes the same person, same window in that order. The human body is nasty and ambitious. Bachelorette party piles in screaming about what they're gonna do to some poor stripper named Magnum. Ladies I'm right here, divorced and flexible on price. Pain color. I can hear the seat belt and the moaning and I gotta keep a five star attitude red. Dude tips me 20 bucks for the discretion. Buddy the discretion is free the therapy I now need that's gonna cost us both. People treat my back seat like a no tell motel with a Honda warranty. At least the motel changes the sheets I just spray and pray. I'm not bitter that everybody's getting laid in my car. I'm just keeping a list. It's called colors of my pain and it's filthy. It's funny and somebody owes me a deep clean. Here's the truth. I turned 11 years of other people's filth into a comedy set because if my pain doesn't make me money it's just blue balls with a backstory. That's the red line. Last laugh as always is mine. I'm not gonna get any money in fully detailed wash your hands. Kill Jesse. 18 and up hide your grandma the filthy truth about being broke single and horny at 50. Jesse uncensored. I'm 50 single and broke. My sex life has the same energy as my bank account, overdrawn, embarrassing and somehow still getting fees. I haven't been touched in so long my last physical the doctor's gloves felt like for play. I tipped him. Dating apps at 50 are brutal. My matches are women who say looking for a real man, man, I'm two thirds debt and one third dog hair but I'm real. My idea of a wild night is unhooking a bra in my imagination and pulling a muscle anyway. I proposed nine times with ring pops. You know why it never worked? Turns out women want a ring and a man who can finish a sentence. The candy was the easy part. My right hand and I are basically common law-married. 20 years same partner zero complaints terrible grip strength now. A woman told me she wanted somebody who could go all night. Lady, I can go all night to the bathroom. That's the 50 year old stamina they don't warn you about. I tried sexting auto correct changed I want you to I want soup. And honestly at 50 the soup got me harder. My three dogs have watched me strike out so many times they've stopped looking up. One of them brings me a tissue now out of respect. People say love yourself first. Brother, I've been loving myself first, second and third for a decade. That's not self-care, that's a part time job with no benefits. I matched with a woman my age. First date she goes, I'm a freak in the bedroom. I said perfect I'm a disaster in the kitchen and broken every other room will make it work. At 50 the dirty talk changes she whispers tell me what you want. I said lower property taxes and to feel something again she left worth it. Viagra commercials lie they show a guy in a bathtub on a hill. I can't afford the pill or the hill. My romantic getaway is the good parking spot at the laundromat. I'm not desperate. I'm just at the age where I'd marry a woman for consistent texting and a working dishwasher. The bar isn't low it's functional. Here's the filthy truth. 50 broke single three dogs and I still want it more than a teenager. The spirit's a savage. The body files a complaint. That's the red line. Last laughs mine even alone. Somebody touched this man before he tips another doctor. Kill Jesse. 18 and up the nastiest job in America told by the man on his knees with a brush and no dignity. Jesse uncensored. I clean houses for a living which means I've seen the truth about people. Your house is where you lie but your trash is where you confess. I find things under beds that should be in a crime lab. One house I pulled out a toy that buzzed back. We made eye contact me in that thing at one. Rich people are the nastiest. Big house marble floors and a bathroom that looks like the apocalypse had diarrhea. Money can't buy aim. I cleaned one bedroom so freaky I had to sage it and myself. I left holy water reviews on Yelp. People hide their toys when the cleaner comes badly. Sir I've seen where you put it. Behind the protein powder is not a hiding spot. It's a confession. I scrub other people's filth all day. Then go home to MY apartment and that's where I lose hope. Because nobody's coming to clean up in me. Found a stove with so much grease I could have deep fried a sin in it. That kitchen hadn't seen soap since the last administration. Today I cleaned a cat house. I have three dogs. So I show up covered in dog hair scrubbing cat hair smelling like betrayal to both species. I'm a double agent and everybody wants me dead. The dirtiest thing in any house isn't the toilet. It's the couch. That couch has seen things. That couch needs therapy and a priest. A client said don't worry about the bedroom. Ma'am that's like telling a firefighter ignore the fire. Now I have to know. I've cleaned up after parties where the only survivor was a single high heel. And a sense of regret thick enough to mop. Five stars on every review. The only one star I ever got. The woman who saw MY apartment. She didn't write words. She drew a little frowny face out of dog hair. People go isn't cleaning toilets gross. The toilet is the honest part. It's the nightstand drawer that'll haunt you. I've aged in real time opening a nightstand. I don't get paid enough to know this much about strangers' sex lives. I'm basically a forensic jiggle-o with a swiffer and zero benefits. Here's the filthy truth. I walk into other people's nastiest secrets and leave it spotless. Which is the one thing I can do for somebody that I could never do for myself. That's the red line. Last laugh and the bleach are mine. He came, he saw, he sanitized the unspeakable. Wash your hands, kill Jesse. Classes in session, 18 and up. A lesson in the fine art of profanity from the thinking man's filth. Jesse takes the mic. People say cuss words are lazy. Wrong. A cuss word is a scalpel. That's unfortunate. Tells me nothing. That's if asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, ed. Now I know exactly where we stand and how fast we're running. Profanity is hot sauce. You don't dump the whole bottle on everything. That's a psychopath. You put it where the flavor needs to scream. A well placed S asterisk is seasoning. A constant one is just sad noise. They tell kids those are bad words. They're not bad. They're just words that grew up poor and got blamed for everything. Damn never robbed anybody. Damn just told the truth too loud at a funeral. The same people clutching pearls over a curse word will look you dead in the eye and say, we're letting you go. Letting me go? I wasn't a hostage. You fired me. At least a cuss word has the decency to be honest. That's the scam. The powerful don't curse. They euphemize. A poor man gets fired. A rich man gets a leadership transition. Same kick in the teeth. Better vocabulary. We used to say broke. Then low income. Then underbanked. We added syllables until the shame fit in a spreadsheet. I'm not underbanked. I'm f asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, in broke. And the honesty is the only thing I own outright. Passed away no longer with us. In a better place, brother he died, say it. The softer the word, the more they're hoping you won't notice what actually happened. My favorite is thoughts and prayers. That's the verbal equivalent of leaving a post it on a house fire. Do something or shut up. Those two words have never put out a single damn thing. Corporate language is the dirtiest language there is and it never uses one curse word. We're optimizing. Synagizing. Right sizing. Sir, that's just firing with a thosaurus and a yoga mat. You want a real dirty word? Convenience fee. That's filth. That's obscene. You can say f on my show all night but say convenience fee and I'll throw you out for indecency. A cuss word at the right moment is prayer for people the church gave up on. You stub your toe and yell, that's not vulgar. That's the body being honest faster than the brain can lie. The seven words you can't say on TV. They let murder on at 8 p.m. but heaven forbid somebody says a word that describes what two consenting adults did to make the person getting murdered. Our priorities are upside down and squeaky clean. Here's the lesson it's not the word it's the intention. I love you can be a weapon. A cuss word can be a hug. Language is just sound until a human decides to mean something so mean it and aim it well. So cuss with purpose cuss like a chef not a fire hose and the next time somebody tells you a word is bad ask him who taught him to fear a sound while ignoring the lie standing right next to it. That's the red line class dismissed you filthy geniuses. A doctorate in dirty tip your professor kill Jesse. He used to preach now he just screams the parts they left out of the vows 18 and up strap in for the screaming preacher of heartbreak the wild man. They tell you love is patient love is kind. Then why am I 50 broke and sleeping in the shape of an apology. I'm not bitter I loved her that's the problem. You don't get this loud over somebody you didn't love. Oh she said I just need space. Space I gave you a two bedroom and a Tesla I can't afford. You don't need space you'll need an exit and you found the door I'm still paying for. Oh oh marriage marriage two people promise forever and forever last exactly until somebody loads the dishwasher wrong. They say communication is key. I communicated. I said I'm sorry you you she said for what and brother that is the trap. There is no right answer it's a riddle that guarded by a dragon who knows your pin number. Oh I proposed nine times with candy. You know why? Because every time my heart got crushed it grew back dumber and horneer and more hopeful. That's not romance that's a head injury with a ring pop. Oh oh dating at 50 they want a man with no baggage. I'm not a man with baggage. I'm a man who is the baggage carousel and it's broken and it's still going around and there's one sad bag on it and it's me. She left me for a guy with a boat. A boat you want water that bad I'll cry you in ocean. Get in it's free and it's rising. And the worst part the dog still loved me. Three dogs looking at me like I'm a king while my bank account screams and my ex texts you up at 2 a.m. just to maintain the haunting. Oh oh I'm not crazy. Love made me like this. You hand a man a heart and no instructions and you're shocked when he sets it on fire for a laugh. This is the only church I got left scream with me. But I do it again all nine times because a man who stops believing in love is just quiet and I would rather be loud broke and wrong than quiet and saved. Oh that's the red line. And that ladies and gentlemen is why we don't give the wild man caffeine before the show. Somebody hug him from a distance. Kill Jesse. The body was under warranty once that warranty expired. Please welcome a man held together by tape and spite. Jesse. I turned 50 and my body started sending me invoices for fun I had in my 20s with interest and a late fee called your knees. I pulled a muscle picking up a quarter. Negative return on a coin. I didn't find money I found a chiropractors boat payment. I sneezed last week and something in my back went nope and filed for divorce. I now stretch before I stretch. At 50 a wild Friday night is falling asleep before the street lights come on and waking up at 3 a.m. furious at a blanket. I joined a gym for the new me. The new me has the same body as the old me but now it's $40 a month and ashamed in public. The gym bros look at me like do you even lift buddy I lift toilet seats in my own spirits for a living try wrapping that for 11 years. I got on the treadmill said it to brisk and my soul left at 3.2 miles an hour. The machine said cool down I'd never warmed up I just suffered at two speeds. My doctor said lose some weight. I said doc my body and my bank account are in a race to zero let them compete. My knees announced me before I enter a room. I sound like a haunted staircase walking into a denny's. I stretch I hydrate I set three alarms for a nap. That's not self care that's a man scheduling a controlled shutdown. Sexy 50 is dangerous I threw my back out reaching for confidence I didn't have the doctor goes what happened I said ambition. I bought reading glasses then bought a backup pair then lost both then cried couldn't see the tears which honestly helped. They say 50 is the new 30 for me 50 is the new overdue I'm a library book the universe forgot to return. My idea of a hangover now is honesty I have one beer and wake up confronting my entire life at 4am with a headache and a vision board. Here's the truth my body's falling apart but I'm still here still cleaning still chasing it still pulling muscles reaching for a dream that's not breaking down that's wearing out in the right direction last laughs mine let me just sit first. Somebody help him off the stool slowly kill Jesse headliner hour at the red line the man who turned a backseat into a confession booth Jesse I made colors of my pain.com because therapy was expensive and go daddy was having a sale That's my mental health plan domain renewal and denial ride chair is the only job where strangers get in your car and say I don't usually tell people this Good keep the streak alive I drunk passengers confess like my Honda is a church forgive me driver for I have texted my ex I don't judge drunk people I just listen and think this is why your group chat has a side group chat One woman told me her man was toxic then she added him as a stop that's not love that's a relapse with directions My pain color is 3 a.m. parking lot outside the club red That's not a color. That's a crime scene with heels Drunk couples fight in my backseat like I'm the judge. I'm not qualified. I still think check engine means maybe later A guy asked if I could take the long way because he wasn't ready to go home I said brother neither was your wife when she booked you this ride Everybody wants closure nobody wants accountability closure has a destination accountability adds a stop I should rename my car confessions Every ride starts with a pickup and ends with me knowing who cheated at brunch My favorite drunk phrase is I'm grown Nobody grown has to announce it while holding one shoot Open my comics and ride chair passengers are the same Everybody gets three minutes nobody knows where they're going and somebody always smells like bad choices Colors of my pain.com has shades abandonment amber unpaid invoice blue and passenger said he'll tip in the app invisible The craziest passengers are the quiet ones loud drunks tell you the drama quiet drunks are actively becoming the drama One dude said I'm not a bad person I said sir the GPS says you're going to your ex's apartment with flowers from a gas station Friday night ride chair is wild because everybody's chasing love closure revenge or mozzarella sticks I've watched drunk women become detectives one phone notification and suddenly she's CSI sacramento And And drunk men become motivational speakers bro you got to believe in yourself Sir, you just lost a fight with a seat belt My car doesn't have leather seats. It has emotional evidence Colors of my pain.com is really just me trying to turn damage into product because in America if your pain doesn't make money It's just a personality Turn your damage into a download kill Jesse Every emotion has a color and his are mostly check engine light live from the backseat of America The man painting his trauma one fair at a time Jesse My therapist told me to name my feelings. So I named them and bought the domain colors of my pain.com It's already got more traffic than my actual feelings I Every emotion has a color Mine are mostly check engine light and one that just blinks low fuel that ones my love life First shade in the palette you were passenger 147 am crying to a man who'll never see again Ride chair taught me people don't need a confession booth. They need a backseat and a low battery Drunk people get in my car and instantly become philosophers with Venmo debt Ha One drunk goes you ever think love is fake. I said sir your destination is Taco Bell Both are temporary only one comes with a receipt My cars heard more secrets than a church church just has better parking and a worse rating system Ride chair is therapy where the therapist can't talk back because he's working for tips and a five star rating My pain color today surge pricing red I don't judge my passengers. I silently assign them Crayola trauma names you sir are burnt sienna goes through it Her breakup story was so long my GPS recalculated emotionally The robot lady went in one quarter mile let it go He said can I be honest and I locked the doors with my soul Ha When a drunk says you seem cool buckle up the next sentence is about to become a felony adjacent podcast I picked up a couple mid-fight my backseat became a rolling divorce preview. I didn't need GPS I just followed the blame She goes tell him he's wrong ma'am I'm the driver not judge Judy with lane assist My back seats hosted more drama than bravo with worse lighting and a cleaner host Colors of my pain.com started as a joke Then I drove three drunk nurses home and it became a documentary Nurses party like they know exactly which organs can take it and which ones are out of warranty A guy asked me if I believe in second chances while his ex was still in the car. I said buddy. She believes in restraining orders Ride chair rule the second somebody says quick stop you're about to meet their worst decision in person My favorite color is passenger just added a stop gray close second. This isn't the address. I put in beige I don't need horror movies. I've heard a grown man whisper bro. Can we swing by my exes My air freshener says new car my backseat says old wounds The smell is denial with a hint of vanilla a drunk girl told me I give father energy I said that's not energy sweetheart. That's just silence and financial fear The app says driver arrived my nervous system says main character trauma has entered the vehicle 25 colors everyone earned at 2 a.m. for four dollars and a one star review That's not a palette. That's a crime scene colors of my pain part one 25 shades of damage zero stars deducted kill Jesse The palette continues more tequila more confessions more colors. He never asked for Jesse part two I Learned everybody's got a story most of them start after tequila One passenger cried because her man cheated then she tipped me one dollar healing is a journey My pain has colors textures and a cancellation fee Drunk passengers say I'm not drunk like my floor mats can't smell lies A guy got in and said don't worry. I'm normal that is never how normal enters a vehicle My car is part ride chair part witness protection for bad decisions I should install a confessional screen forgive me driver for I have texted The wildest words in ride chair. I'm meeting someone from Snapchat. That's not a pick up. That's a date line pregame Tonight's pain color phone a 2% passenger wants aux black Some passengers don't want a driver. They want a neutral adult with cup holders I picked up a drunk accountant even his crying had spreadsheets. He was sobbing in columns He said my life is a mess. I said well you entered the pickup pin wrong. So yeah Every Friday the city turns into group therapy with traffic laws I Know too much about strangers marriages and not enough about my own tire pressure Colors of my pain.com needs a ride chair tab backseat confessions first confession. I still love him Second confession. Can you stop it jack in the box People tell the truth in my car because they think they'll never see me again same reason I do karaoke Oh a drunk man gave me life advice his pants were inside out He said never settle. I said sir your destination is your mom's house My car is seen love heartbreak betrayal and a man eating nachos like time was fake I used to fear silence then I picked up four drunk cousins Family drama in a ride chair hits different nobody can storm out at 45 miles an hour I don't need therapy homework. I need Scotch guard Every drunk passenger thinks they're handing me wisdom. It just help reviews from the soul Three stars would spiral again colors of my pain part two 25 more colors zero tire pressure kill Jesse The palette deepens more colors more damage same broke man with a five star rating Jesse part three Tonight's pain color Someone spilled a white claw and called it water clear it pairs beautifully with designated driver nobody thanked navy Ride chair made me realize adults are just kids with bank apps and worst secrets One woman got in and announced I'm done with drama then added a stop at the drama's house People say they want peace, but their GPS says arriving at chaos recalculating straight into your problems picked up a guy leaving the club alone he goes I chose myself Brother the bouncer chose you first Drunk confidence is a miracle they cannot locate the door handle, but they have S-O-L-V-E-D relationships My car needs mood lighting red for rage blue for sadness and a special green for he said he's just a friend I Colors of my pain.com is cheaper than therapy and only slightly less accredited and the parkings free My therapist asked where I feel pain in my body. I said usually right behind the passenger seat Passengers will trauma dump for nine miles and then ask if you have gum like we're even now One guy confessed to cheating in my back seat. I said nothing, but ways ways judged him hard Rerooted him straight to hell no tolls The GPS said take the next right his life said too late Drunk girls hype each other up like emotional NASCAR pit crews your beautiful block him drink water Where is my vape full service in four seconds Drunk guys hype each other up like unpaid defense attorneys Bro, you're not wrong. She's crazy. Also where are we? No notes no idea full conviction My back seat has two settings silent guilt or loud astrology there is no third setting A passenger asked me my sign. I said stop. That's my sign. It's also my boundary Pain color of the night says five stars out loud, but does not tip beige the loudest lie in the catalog I'm not bitter. I'm customer service seasoned Ride share is the only job where someone can ruin your entire night and then ask to borrow your charger A drunk guy said you're like my best friend. I said then tip me like family you still respect I've heard so many breakups. I can name the villain by the pickup address It's always the one who swears. I'm the calm one If the destination is his place after midnight, that's not romance That's a sequel nobody funded and everybody regrets My car doesn't need a dashcam. It needs a laugh track 25 more colors all paid in cash and regret colors of my pain Part three The palette is filling up and the tank is empty kill Jesse The final colors the tanks on empty the back seats full of secrets Jesse part four Tonight's pain color rear door left open yellow closely related to dome lights been on since Tuesday dread Some passengers say sorry. We're annoying. That's not an apology. That's a weather alert Ha ha ha One guy asked if I could drive faster. I said sir. I'm already out running your judgment Drunk people call everyone bro because names require blood alcohol paperwork My car is a sanctuary a sanctuary that smells like fries and regret Colors of my pain.com should sell merch first shirt. I survived the second stop Every driver has heard will be right back that sentence ages you I've got gray hairs named after a Wendy's drive-through I don't believe in ghosts But I have waited outside a liquor store for 19 minutes and something left my body A passenger goes can I play one song ladies and gentlemen that is how democracy dies Pain color bluetooth pairing request purple it never connects like me People think this job is easy Try staying calm while four drunk friends debate which Jessica betrayed them Ha ha ha And there's always two Jessica's one crying one missing both somehow and why problem picked up a guy after a date he said it went great she ordered a separate ride Confidence is beautiful when it survives evidence Drunk couples fight like they're in court and I'm the bailiff with a phone mount order in the carala Ha ha ha She said he never listens he said what the joke wrote itself. I just drove it home Pain color couple arguing but both gave me directions orange turn left and also work on yourself The worst rides are the quiet couples loud couples might survive quiet couples are already dividing the streaming passwords I should charge extra for emotional baggage the airport does Ha ha ha Ride chair taught me everyone wants to be seen heard and dropped off anywhere except accountability A drunk woman said you're funny you should do comedy. I said ma'am. This is the set you're in it My car is where secrets go to become material Colors of my pain.com is in a website. It's a warning label with a mailing list Oh Friday night ride chair is has a sense of humor and poor root optimization I used to think pain was private then I drove ride chair turns out pain is loud drunk eating fries and asking if you can make one quick stop That's the whole palette colors of my pain all 100 colors paid in cash and regret 100 shades of damage masterpiece complete kill Jesse Welcome to team Jesse where somebody always makes the mistake of talking trash about our guy Tonight's volunteer Chad Brunchington the third Let's hear the dumb thing they say You will you clean T.O.I.L.E. T.S for living my trust fund makes more money while I sleep than you make on your knees with a brush Stay poor janitor. Oh Chad Brunchington the third wrong room boys open fire In a world of inherited money and zero personality here comes Chad Buddy you've never worked today your hands are softer than your argument Jesse scrubs toilets and still out ranks you because at least his job involves cleaning up garbage and you are the garbage Hi Chad You trust fund? That ain't success That's a doctor's note from being born Jesse built something with his hands You inherited a chin and a tan sit down before I pull you like a beach chair Chad Chad You sleep eight hours and call it income my man Jesse works while you dream The only thing you ever earned was that punchline coming at you Forget about it and now the man himself the hero the last word always belongs to him Jesse Chad you say I clean toilets yeah, and your dad still calls me to clean yours Difference between us kid. I scrub the crap you inherited it last laughs mine And that is why nobody beats Jesse twice team Jesse undefeated this has been your announcer kill Jesse Welcome to team Jesse where somebody always makes the mistake of talking trash about our guy Tonight's volunteer dex the crypto broke. Let's hear the dumb thing they said Jesse your 50 and broke elm how I made six figures in dogeman while you were charging your sad little Tesla Have fun being poor boomer Oh dex the crypto broke wrong room boys open fire This summer one man turned his entire net worth into a jpeg of a frog dex your portfolio has more red than a crime scene Jesse's broke on purpose your broke by algorithm Dex you made six figures and lost seven That ain't invested that's gambling with extra steps and a hoodie Jesse's got three dogs that are a safer asset than your whole wallet Crypto bro your diamond hands They're empty hands with a Robin Hood app Jesse drives a Tesla you can see You own a coin you got to imagine Yo dex the crypto bro even the exit sign is pointing at you take the hint Somebody check dex the crypto bro's pulse that ego flatline too roast to go What dex the crypto bro on a milk carton because that dignity is missing And now the man himself the hero the last word always belongs to him Jesse Dex you call me a broke boomer at least my money is real enough to lose You didn't get rich. You got a notification Now sit down the adults are charging last laughs mine And that is why nobody beats Jesse twice team Jesse undefeated. This has been your announcer kill Jesse\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}