{"file": "audio/vault/296_codexset_roast_jesse_websites.mp3", "duration_sec": 266.8, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.8, "text": "Tonight at the Red Line, we roast a man's entire internet footprint."}, {"start": 3.8, "end": 8.52, "text": "Four websites, zero profit, infinite pain, 18 and up."}, {"start": 8.52, "end": 17.91, "text": "Your host and victim, Jesse."}, {"start": 17.91, "end": 19.91, "text": "Welcome, you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 19.91, "end": 22.11, "text": "Tonight the bench roasts my four websites"}, {"start": 22.11, "end": 24.71, "text": "because apparently failing in one place wasn't enough."}, {"start": 24.71, "end": 26.39, "text": "I had to buy domains."}, {"start": 26.39, "end": 34.66, "text": "Let's start with the saddest one, Benny."}, {"start": 34.66, "end": 37.42, "text": "Colismapain.com."}, {"start": 37.42, "end": 40.14, "text": "I, Jesse, most people go to therapy."}, {"start": 40.14, "end": 42.26, "text": "You went to go daddy."}, {"start": 42.26, "end": 45.3, "text": "You're the only man alive who franchised his feelings"}, {"start": 45.3, "end": 56.82, "text": "and still couldn't turn a profit on misery."}, {"start": 56.82, "end": 58.38, "text": "It's a growth industry, Benny."}, {"start": 58.38, "end": 65.5, "text": "Doc Burn, you're up same site."}, {"start": 65.5, "end": 68.06, "text": "Diagnosis, colors of my pain is a website"}, {"start": 68.06, "end": 71.3, "text": "where your sadness gets a color wheel and a checkout button."}, {"start": 71.3, "end": 75.1, "text": "Jesse monetized his trauma so hard his therapist asked for a cut."}, {"start": 75.1, "end": 76.1, "text": "That's not healing."}, {"start": 76.1, "end": 87.41, "text": "That's DRO PSHIP-P-A-N-G depression."}, {"start": 87.41, "end": 89.73, "text": "Next victim, fourcolorquiz.com."}, {"start": 89.73, "end": 95.95, "text": "Professor."}, {"start": 95.95, "end": 97.79, "text": "A personality quiz, Jesse."}, {"start": 97.79, "end": 100.55, "text": "You built a test to sort humanity into red, green, blue,"}, {"start": 100.55, "end": 102.79, "text": "and yellow because not one of them would stay long enough"}, {"start": 102.79, "end": 104.51, "text": "to explain themselves to you."}, {"start": 104.51, "end": 106.83, "text": "There's a secret fifth color the quiz won't show."}, {"start": 106.83, "end": 117.98, "text": "It's broke, and it's yours."}, {"start": 117.98, "end": 127.59, "text": "That science professor, Queenstank, same quiz, no mercy."}, {"start": 127.59, "end": 129.59, "text": "Baby, you're red the protector."}, {"start": 129.59, "end": 131.03, "text": "Protector of what?"}, {"start": 131.03, "end": 133.39, "text": "Three dogs and a haunted stove."}, {"start": 133.39, "end": 136.11, "text": "The only thing you protect is your right to be single"}, {"start": 136.11, "end": 138.67, "text": "and honey, that fortress is impenetrable."}, {"start": 138.67, "end": 140.67, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 140.67, "end": 154.54, "text": "Brutal next one, Jesse.com, Marcus."}, {"start": 154.54, "end": 157.02, "text": "One, Jesse.com."}, {"start": 157.02, "end": 160.38, "text": "One, that's not a brand my guy, that's a head count."}, {"start": 160.38, "end": 162.86, "text": "It's the exact number of people who believe in you,"}, {"start": 162.86, "end": 164.5, "text": "and even he's got doubts."}, {"start": 164.5, "end": 166.94, "text": "A whole website about one man, and the bounce rate"}, {"start": 166.94, "end": 168.58, "text": "is identical to your dating life."}, {"start": 168.58, "end": 179.94, "text": "They arrive, they panic, they leave."}, {"start": 179.94, "end": 181.42, "text": "The SEO is great, though."}, {"start": 181.42, "end": 187.65, "text": "Big Mama, last one, bombed.app."}, {"start": 187.65, "end": 189.97, "text": "Baby, you named your comedy app bombed."}, {"start": 189.97, "end": 192.73, "text": "That's the most honest branding in human history."}, {"start": 192.73, "end": 195.61, "text": "An app called bombed, run by R-O-B-O-T-S,"}, {"start": 195.61, "end": 198.09, "text": "to roast a grown man who cleans toilets,"}, {"start": 198.09, "end": 201.33, "text": "the future is stupid, and somehow it's all yours."}, {"start": 201.33, "end": 203.73, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 203.73, "end": 210.26, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 210.26, "end": 213.94, "text": "And it still got better reviews than your love life."}, {"start": 213.94, "end": 216.02, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 216.02, "end": 219.69, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 219.69, "end": 222.73, "text": "OK, OK, four websites all roasted all mine."}, {"start": 222.73, "end": 224.41, "text": "Here's the truth, you animals."}, {"start": 224.41, "end": 226.45, "text": "Color soft-ma-pain turns my damage into art."}, {"start": 226.45, "end": 228.49, "text": "Forklerquist turns strangers into friends,"}, {"start": 228.49, "end": 231.29, "text": "one just is one man who won't quit and bombed.app."}, {"start": 231.29, "end": 233.45, "text": "That's where I broke 50-year-old built an empire"}, {"start": 233.45, "end": 234.77, "text": "out of getting laughed at."}, {"start": 234.77, "end": 237.01, "text": "You roast my websites, but every one of them is still up,"}, {"start": 237.01, "end": 238.53, "text": "still running, still mine."}, {"start": 238.53, "end": 239.65, "text": "That's not failure."}, {"start": 239.65, "end": 241.53, "text": "That's a man who refused to log off."}, {"start": 241.53, "end": 253.23, "text": "LastLafesMine.com."}, {"start": 253.23, "end": 255.51, "text": "Four domains, one legend, zero dollars."}, {"start": 255.51, "end": 258.39, "text": "Visit them all and tell them bombed.app sent you."}, {"start": 258.39, "end": 259.39, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nTonight at the Red Line, we roast a man's entire internet footprint. Four websites, zero profit, infinite pain, 18 and up. Your host and victim, Jesse. Welcome, you filthy degenerates. Tonight the bench roasts my four websites because apparently failing in one place wasn't enough. I had to buy domains. Let's start with the saddest one, Benny. Colismapain.com. I, Jesse, most people go to therapy. You went to go daddy. You're the only man alive who franchised his feelings and still couldn't turn a profit on misery. It's a growth industry, Benny. Doc Burn, you're up same site. Diagnosis, colors of my pain is a website where your sadness gets a color wheel and a checkout button. Jesse monetized his trauma so hard his therapist asked for a cut. That's not healing. That's DRO PSHIP-P-A-N-G depression. Next victim, fourcolorquiz.com. Professor. A personality quiz, Jesse. You built a test to sort humanity into red, green, blue, and yellow because not one of them would stay long enough to explain themselves to you. There's a secret fifth color the quiz won't show. It's broke, and it's yours. That science professor, Queenstank, same quiz, no mercy. Baby, you're red the protector. Protector of what? Three dogs and a haunted stove. The only thing you protect is your right to be single and honey, that fortress is impenetrable. LAUGHTER Brutal next one, Jesse.com, Marcus. One, Jesse.com. One, that's not a brand my guy, that's a head count. It's the exact number of people who believe in you, and even he's got doubts. A whole website about one man, and the bounce rate is identical to your dating life. They arrive, they panic, they leave. The SEO is great, though. Big Mama, last one, bombed.app. Baby, you named your comedy app bombed. That's the most honest branding in human history. An app called bombed, run by R-O-B-O-T-S, to roast a grown man who cleans toilets, the future is stupid, and somehow it's all yours. LAUGHTER Oh! And it still got better reviews than your love life. LAUGHTER Oh! OK, OK, four websites all roasted all mine. Here's the truth, you animals. Color soft-ma-pain turns my damage into art. Forklerquist turns strangers into friends, one just is one man who won't quit and bombed.app. That's where I broke 50-year-old built an empire out of getting laughed at. You roast my websites, but every one of them is still up, still running, still mine. That's not failure. That's a man who refused to log off. LastLafesMine.com. Four domains, one legend, zero dollars. Visit them all and tell them bombed.app sent you. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}