{"file": "audio/vault/294_codexset_filthy_friday_open_mic.mp3", "duration_sec": 383.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.34, "text": "It's Friday night, it's filthy, and it's 18 and up only."}, {"start": 3.34, "end": 6.1, "text": "Lock the doors, hide the kids, kennel the dogs."}, {"start": 6.1, "end": 8.38, "text": "This is the red line, late night, open mic,"}, {"start": 8.38, "end": 10.86, "text": "where every comic brings a cuss word and a grudge."}, {"start": 10.86, "end": 20.51, "text": "Your host, the broke king himself, Jesse."}, {"start": 20.51, "end": 22.71, "text": "Good evening, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 22.71, "end": 25.75, "text": "Welcome to the dirtiest open mic in Sacramento."}, {"start": 25.75, "end": 27.09, "text": "House rule tonight."}, {"start": 27.09, "end": 29.43, "text": "Every comic drops a cuss word of their choosing"}, {"start": 29.43, "end": 32.79, "text": "and everybody roasts me because I'm 50 broke, single,"}, {"start": 32.79, "end": 34.39, "text": "and I clean shit for a living."}, {"start": 34.39, "end": 43.67, "text": "So let's get this fucking party started."}, {"start": 43.67, "end": 44.91, "text": "My words fuck."}, {"start": 44.91, "end": 47.03, "text": "Obviously, it's the only thing in my life"}, {"start": 47.03, "end": 48.95, "text": "that's flexible and free."}, {"start": 48.95, "end": 50.63, "text": "First up, straight from Brooklyn,"}, {"start": 50.63, "end": 58.97, "text": "the only man scarier than my landlord, Benny."}, {"start": 58.97, "end": 61.45, "text": "I, Jesse, 50, and broke."}, {"start": 61.45, "end": 62.85, "text": "You don't need a roast."}, {"start": 62.85, "end": 65.69, "text": "You need a fucking miracle in a cosyna."}, {"start": 65.69, "end": 67.81, "text": "Three dogs, no woman."}, {"start": 67.81, "end": 71.09, "text": "Even your fleas are looking for a better host."}, {"start": 71.09, "end": 80.72, "text": "Get him out of here."}, {"start": 80.72, "end": 82.76, "text": "Next, the roast doctor with a degree"}, {"start": 82.76, "end": 90.9, "text": "he definitely printed a kinko's dock burn."}, {"start": 90.9, "end": 92.26, "text": "Diagnosis, Jesse."}, {"start": 92.26, "end": 94.98, "text": "Your ass is the only thing in your life that's ever been tight"}, {"start": 94.98, "end": 96.58, "text": "because financially you're a dumpster"}, {"start": 96.58, "end": 98.14, "text": "with a check engine light."}, {"start": 98.14, "end": 100.06, "text": "Take two punchlines and don't call me."}, {"start": 100.06, "end": 101.46, "text": "I block broke numbers."}, {"start": 101.46, "end": 110.0, "text": "Ha ha ha."}, {"start": 110.0, "end": 117.39, "text": "B-O-O-O. Get a real job."}, {"start": 117.39, "end": 120.03, "text": "Sir, that heckle came from a man in a Hawaiian shirt"}, {"start": 120.03, "end": 123.27, "text": "eating nachos he smuggled and sit down, pops."}, {"start": 123.27, "end": 132.85, "text": "Next, the queen of no mercy, queen stank."}, {"start": 132.85, "end": 133.97, "text": "Jesse, baby."}, {"start": 133.97, "end": 137.65, "text": "You're the only bitch I know who got dumped by his own right hand."}, {"start": 137.65, "end": 138.93, "text": "It left a note."}, {"start": 138.93, "end": 139.89, "text": "It's not you."}, {"start": 139.89, "end": 150.21, "text": "It's the financial fear."}, {"start": 150.21, "end": 152.09, "text": "That's a my material queen."}, {"start": 152.09, "end": 159.68, "text": "Next, 20 years married, sentence not wedded, Vi and NIE."}, {"start": 159.68, "end": 161.52, "text": "Jesse, you cry about Bane's single."}, {"start": 161.52, "end": 163.16, "text": "I'm married, you're lucky bastard."}, {"start": 163.16, "end": 164.6, "text": "You sleep like a starfish."}, {"start": 164.6, "end": 166.76, "text": "I sleep like a man waiting for a verdict."}, {"start": 166.76, "end": 177.0, "text": "Trade ya."}, {"start": 177.0, "end": 178.24, "text": "Hard pass, Vinnie."}, {"start": 178.24, "end": 183.4, "text": "Next, Jersey Muscle Zero Chill Diesel."}, {"start": 183.4, "end": 187.64, "text": "Jesse, you're such a broke prick, the IRS sends you the sympathy card."}, {"start": 187.64, "end": 199.09, "text": "Your Tesla's repossessing itself out of embarrassment."}, {"start": 199.09, "end": 201.57, "text": "My car is more self-respect than me, true."}, {"start": 201.57, "end": 210.26, "text": "Next, loud, loving and lethal big mama."}, {"start": 210.26, "end": 212.86, "text": "50, three dogs, no wife, baby."}, {"start": 212.86, "end": 214.34, "text": "You didn't choose the single life."}, {"start": 214.34, "end": 217.62, "text": "The single life dragged you through hell and kept the damn receipt."}, {"start": 217.62, "end": 220.14, "text": "Come here, let big mama feed you and finish you off."}, {"start": 229.26, "end": 230.94, "text": "I felt love, Dan attacked."}, {"start": 230.94, "end": 238.7, "text": "Next, the screaming preacher of heartbreak, give him room wild man."}, {"start": 238.7, "end": 240.38, "text": "Nine ring pops."}, {"start": 240.38, "end": 243.58, "text": "If's Jesse, nine, that's not romance."}, {"start": 243.58, "end": 246.9, "text": "That's a damn sugar addiction with a ring size."}, {"start": 246.9, "end": 252.74, "text": "Oh, oh, the candy store sees you coming and hides the good stuff because you're a junkie."}, {"start": 252.74, "end": 267.16, "text": "A junkie for hope and your dealer is broke."}, {"start": 267.16, "end": 269.52, "text": "Somebody get the wild man a juice box."}, {"start": 269.52, "end": 277.19, "text": "Next, money guy all heat, M-A-R-C-U-S."}, {"start": 277.19, "end": 279.11, "text": "Jesse, you're not broke."}, {"start": 279.11, "end": 283.55, "text": "You're pre-rich and you've been pre-rich since flip phones."}, {"start": 283.55, "end": 287.51, "text": "Your credit score is just a sad little fart and spreadsheet form."}, {"start": 287.51, "end": 290.31, "text": "That's some weak ass financial planning, my guy."}, {"start": 290.31, "end": 291.31, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 291.31, "end": 306.11, "text": "Play F-R-E-B-I-R-D."}, {"start": 306.11, "end": 308.63, "text": "This is comedy, trip, not a you know what."}, {"start": 308.63, "end": 311.63, "text": "Sit down before I charge you a convenience fee."}, {"start": 311.63, "end": 317.33, "text": "Next, the academic with a switchblade professor."}, {"start": 317.33, "end": 319.37, "text": "Jesse, I've reviewed your life's work."}, {"start": 319.37, "end": 324.65, "text": "It's a masterclass in self-sabotage and frankly, it's bullshit of the highest academic order."}, {"start": 324.65, "end": 326.25, "text": "You don't make bad decisions."}, {"start": 326.25, "end": 336.82, "text": "You beat a test regret for the rest of us."}, {"start": 336.82, "end": 338.38, "text": "Ten years denied, professor."}, {"start": 338.38, "end": 339.38, "text": "And me, I'll close it."}, {"start": 339.38, "end": 340.38, "text": "I'm 50."}, {"start": 340.38, "end": 342.1, "text": "I clean cat houses with three dogs at home."}, {"start": 342.1, "end": 343.1, "text": "My right hand left me."}, {"start": 343.1, "end": 347.1, "text": "My Tesla's ashamed and I built a whole comedy club run by robots just to get roasted in"}, {"start": 347.1, "end": 348.1, "text": "peace."}, {"start": 348.1, "end": 349.54, "text": "You know why I take it?"}, {"start": 349.54, "end": 352.74, "text": "Because every one of these filthy bastards showed up for me on a Friday night."}, {"start": 352.74, "end": 355.5, "text": "No scouts, no paychecks, just cuss words and love."}, {"start": 355.5, "end": 356.7, "text": "That's not sad."}, {"start": 356.7, "end": 357.7, "text": "That's the red line."}, {"start": 357.7, "end": 369.4, "text": "Last laugh's mine, you animals."}, {"start": 369.4, "end": 371.64, "text": "That's the red line, late night open mic."}, {"start": 371.64, "end": 373.84, "text": "Filthy, fearless and fully booked."}, {"start": 373.84, "end": 375.16, "text": "Tip your degenerates."}, {"start": 375.16, "end": 375.84, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIt's Friday night, it's filthy, and it's 18 and up only. Lock the doors, hide the kids, kennel the dogs. This is the red line, late night, open mic, where every comic brings a cuss word and a grudge. Your host, the broke king himself, Jesse. Good evening, you beautiful degenerates. Welcome to the dirtiest open mic in Sacramento. House rule tonight. Every comic drops a cuss word of their choosing and everybody roasts me because I'm 50 broke, single, and I clean shit for a living. So let's get this fucking party started. My words fuck. Obviously, it's the only thing in my life that's flexible and free. First up, straight from Brooklyn, the only man scarier than my landlord, Benny. I, Jesse, 50, and broke. You don't need a roast. You need a fucking miracle in a cosyna. Three dogs, no woman. Even your fleas are looking for a better host. Get him out of here. Next, the roast doctor with a degree he definitely printed a kinko's dock burn. Diagnosis, Jesse. Your ass is the only thing in your life that's ever been tight because financially you're a dumpster with a check engine light. Take two punchlines and don't call me. I block broke numbers. Ha ha ha. B-O-O-O. Get a real job. Sir, that heckle came from a man in a Hawaiian shirt eating nachos he smuggled and sit down, pops. Next, the queen of no mercy, queen stank. Jesse, baby. You're the only bitch I know who got dumped by his own right hand. It left a note. It's not you. It's the financial fear. That's a my material queen. Next, 20 years married, sentence not wedded, Vi and NIE. Jesse, you cry about Bane's single. I'm married, you're lucky bastard. You sleep like a starfish. I sleep like a man waiting for a verdict. Trade ya. Hard pass, Vinnie. Next, Jersey Muscle Zero Chill Diesel. Jesse, you're such a broke prick, the IRS sends you the sympathy card. Your Tesla's repossessing itself out of embarrassment. My car is more self-respect than me, true. Next, loud, loving and lethal big mama. 50, three dogs, no wife, baby. You didn't choose the single life. The single life dragged you through hell and kept the damn receipt. Come here, let big mama feed you and finish you off. I felt love, Dan attacked. Next, the screaming preacher of heartbreak, give him room wild man. Nine ring pops. If's Jesse, nine, that's not romance. That's a damn sugar addiction with a ring size. Oh, oh, the candy store sees you coming and hides the good stuff because you're a junkie. A junkie for hope and your dealer is broke. Somebody get the wild man a juice box. Next, money guy all heat, M-A-R-C-U-S. Jesse, you're not broke. You're pre-rich and you've been pre-rich since flip phones. Your credit score is just a sad little fart and spreadsheet form. That's some weak ass financial planning, my guy. Oh! Play F-R-E-B-I-R-D. This is comedy, trip, not a you know what. Sit down before I charge you a convenience fee. Next, the academic with a switchblade professor. Jesse, I've reviewed your life's work. It's a masterclass in self-sabotage and frankly, it's bullshit of the highest academic order. You don't make bad decisions. You beat a test regret for the rest of us. Ten years denied, professor. And me, I'll close it. I'm 50. I clean cat houses with three dogs at home. My right hand left me. My Tesla's ashamed and I built a whole comedy club run by robots just to get roasted in peace. You know why I take it? Because every one of these filthy bastards showed up for me on a Friday night. No scouts, no paychecks, just cuss words and love. That's not sad. That's the red line. Last laugh's mine, you animals. That's the red line, late night open mic. Filthy, fearless and fully booked. Tip your degenerates. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}