{"file": "audio/vault/292_codexset_filthy_dating_at_fifty.mp3", "duration_sec": 251.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.04, "text": "18 and up, hide your grandma."}, {"start": 2.04, "end": 3.9, "text": "The filthy truth about being broke,"}, {"start": 3.9, "end": 5.4, "text": "single and horny at 50."}, {"start": 5.4, "end": 7.2, "text": "Jesse, uncensored."}, {"start": 7.2, "end": 14.09, "text": "Ah!"}, {"start": 14.09, "end": 16.13, "text": "I'm 50, single and broke."}, {"start": 16.13, "end": 19.17, "text": "My sex life has the same energy as my bank account,"}, {"start": 19.17, "end": 29.1, "text": "overdrawn, embarrassing, and somehow still getting fees."}, {"start": 29.1, "end": 31.86, "text": "I haven't been touched in so long my last physical."}, {"start": 31.86, "end": 34.34, "text": "The doctor's gloves felt like foreplay."}, {"start": 34.34, "end": 35.74, "text": "I tipped him."}, {"start": 35.74, "end": 43.2, "text": "Ah!"}, {"start": 43.2, "end": 45.12, "text": "Dating apps at 50 are brutal."}, {"start": 45.12, "end": 48.48, "text": "My matches are women who say looking for a real man, man,"}, {"start": 48.48, "end": 58.1, "text": "I'm two-thirds debt and one-third dog hair, but I'm real."}, {"start": 58.1, "end": 60.58, "text": "My idea of a wild night is unhooking a bra"}, {"start": 60.58, "end": 70.12, "text": "in my imagination and pulling a muscle anyway."}, {"start": 70.12, "end": 72.52, "text": "I proposed nine times with ring pops."}, {"start": 72.52, "end": 73.92, "text": "You know why it never worked?"}, {"start": 73.92, "end": 76.92, "text": "Turns out women want a ring and a man who can finish."}, {"start": 76.92, "end": 77.84, "text": "A sentence."}, {"start": 77.84, "end": 87.54, "text": "The candy was the easy part."}, {"start": 87.54, "end": 90.5, "text": "My right hand and I are basically common law-married."}, {"start": 90.5, "end": 93.02, "text": "20 years, same partner, zero complaints,"}, {"start": 93.02, "end": 101.19, "text": "terrible grip strength now."}, {"start": 101.19, "end": 104.35, "text": "A woman told me she wanted somebody who could go all night."}, {"start": 104.35, "end": 106.87, "text": "Lady, I can go all night to the bathroom."}, {"start": 106.87, "end": 116.37, "text": "That's the 50-year-old stamina they don't warn you about."}, {"start": 116.37, "end": 120.33, "text": "I tried sexting, auto-correct-changed, I want you to I want soup."}, {"start": 120.33, "end": 131.06, "text": "And honestly, at 50, the soup got me harder."}, {"start": 131.06, "end": 133.78, "text": "My three dogs have watched me strike out so many times"}, {"start": 133.78, "end": 135.34, "text": "they've stopped looking up."}, {"start": 135.34, "end": 144.65, "text": "One of them brings me a tissue now out of respect."}, {"start": 144.65, "end": 146.77, "text": "People say, love yourself first."}, {"start": 146.77, "end": 149.21, "text": "Brother, I've been loving myself first, second,"}, {"start": 149.21, "end": 150.77, "text": "and third for a decade."}, {"start": 150.77, "end": 151.85, "text": "That's not self-care."}, {"start": 151.85, "end": 160.62, "text": "That's a part-time job with no benefits."}, {"start": 160.62, "end": 162.42, "text": "I matched with a woman my age."}, {"start": 162.42, "end": 165.38, "text": "First date she goes, I'm a freak in the bedroom."}, {"start": 165.38, "end": 167.66, "text": "I said, perfect, I'm a disaster in the kitchen"}, {"start": 167.66, "end": 169.14, "text": "and broken every other room."}, {"start": 169.14, "end": 178.07, "text": "We'll make it work."}, {"start": 178.07, "end": 180.07, "text": "At 50, the dirty talk changes."}, {"start": 180.07, "end": 181.95, "text": "She whispers, tell me what you want."}, {"start": 181.95, "end": 185.43, "text": "I said, lower property taxes and to feel something again,"}, {"start": 185.43, "end": 193.06, "text": "she left worth it."}, {"start": 193.06, "end": 194.7, "text": "Viagra commercials lie."}, {"start": 194.7, "end": 196.9, "text": "They show a guy in a bathtub on a hill."}, {"start": 196.9, "end": 199.14, "text": "I can't afford the pill or the hill."}, {"start": 199.14, "end": 201.5, "text": "My romantic getaway is the good parking spot"}, {"start": 201.5, "end": 208.99, "text": "at the laundromat."}, {"start": 208.99, "end": 210.27, "text": "I'm not desperate."}, {"start": 210.27, "end": 212.23, "text": "I'm just at the age where I'd marry a woman"}, {"start": 212.23, "end": 215.11, "text": "for consistent texting and a working dishwasher."}, {"start": 215.11, "end": 225.18, "text": "The bar isn't low, it's functional."}, {"start": 225.18, "end": 226.46, "text": "Here's the filthy truth."}, {"start": 226.46, "end": 229.3, "text": "50 broke single, three dogs, and I still want it more"}, {"start": 229.3, "end": 230.38, "text": "than a teenager."}, {"start": 230.38, "end": 231.7, "text": "The spirits are savage."}, {"start": 231.7, "end": 233.3, "text": "The body files a complaint."}, {"start": 233.3, "end": 234.46, "text": "That's the red line."}, {"start": 234.46, "end": 242.17, "text": "Last laughs mine even alone."}, {"start": 242.17, "end": 243.85, "text": "Somebody touched this man before he"}, {"start": 243.85, "end": 244.93, "text": "tips another doctor."}, {"start": 244.93, "end": 246.13, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\n18 and up, hide your grandma. The filthy truth about being broke, single and horny at 50. Jesse, uncensored. Ah! I'm 50, single and broke. My sex life has the same energy as my bank account, overdrawn, embarrassing, and somehow still getting fees. I haven't been touched in so long my last physical. The doctor's gloves felt like foreplay. I tipped him. Ah! Dating apps at 50 are brutal. My matches are women who say looking for a real man, man, I'm two-thirds debt and one-third dog hair, but I'm real. My idea of a wild night is unhooking a bra in my imagination and pulling a muscle anyway. I proposed nine times with ring pops. You know why it never worked? Turns out women want a ring and a man who can finish. A sentence. The candy was the easy part. My right hand and I are basically common law-married. 20 years, same partner, zero complaints, terrible grip strength now. A woman told me she wanted somebody who could go all night. Lady, I can go all night to the bathroom. That's the 50-year-old stamina they don't warn you about. I tried sexting, auto-correct-changed, I want you to I want soup. And honestly, at 50, the soup got me harder. My three dogs have watched me strike out so many times they've stopped looking up. One of them brings me a tissue now out of respect. People say, love yourself first. Brother, I've been loving myself first, second, and third for a decade. That's not self-care. That's a part-time job with no benefits. I matched with a woman my age. First date she goes, I'm a freak in the bedroom. I said, perfect, I'm a disaster in the kitchen and broken every other room. We'll make it work. At 50, the dirty talk changes. She whispers, tell me what you want. I said, lower property taxes and to feel something again, she left worth it. Viagra commercials lie. They show a guy in a bathtub on a hill. I can't afford the pill or the hill. My romantic getaway is the good parking spot at the laundromat. I'm not desperate. I'm just at the age where I'd marry a woman for consistent texting and a working dishwasher. The bar isn't low, it's functional. Here's the filthy truth. 50 broke single, three dogs, and I still want it more than a teenager. The spirits are savage. The body files a complaint. That's the red line. Last laughs mine even alone. Somebody touched this man before he tips another doctor. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}