{"file": "audio/vault/290_codexset_falling_apart_at_fifty.mp3", "duration_sec": 242.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 1.68, "text": "The body was under warranty once."}, {"start": 1.68, "end": 3.04, "text": "That warranty expired."}, {"start": 3.04, "end": 13.59, "text": "Please welcome a man held together by tape and spiked, Jessie."}, {"start": 13.59, "end": 16.95, "text": "I turned 50 and my body started sending me invoices for fun"}, {"start": 16.95, "end": 27.91, "text": "I had in my 20s, with interest and a late fee called your knees."}, {"start": 27.91, "end": 31.91, "text": "I pulled a muscle picking up a quarter, negative return on a coin."}, {"start": 31.91, "end": 32.91, "text": "I didn't find money."}, {"start": 32.91, "end": 43.15, "text": "I found a chiropractors boat payment."}, {"start": 43.15, "end": 46.47, "text": "I sneezed last week and something in my back went no and filed"}, {"start": 46.47, "end": 47.55, "text": "for divorce."}, {"start": 47.55, "end": 55.74, "text": "I now stretch before I stretch."}, {"start": 55.74, "end": 60.26, "text": "At 50, a wild Friday night is falling asleep before the street lights come on"}, {"start": 60.26, "end": 69.65, "text": "and waking up at 3 a.m. furious at a blanket."}, {"start": 69.65, "end": 71.81, "text": "I joined a gym for the new me."}, {"start": 71.81, "end": 76.17, "text": "The new me has the same body as the old me, but now it's $40 a month"}, {"start": 76.17, "end": 85.59, "text": "and ashamed in public."}, {"start": 85.59, "end": 88.43, "text": "The gym bros look at me like, do you even lift?"}, {"start": 88.43, "end": 91.87, "text": "Buddy, I lift toilet seats in my own spirits for a living."}, {"start": 91.87, "end": 93.79, "text": "Try repping that for 11 years."}, {"start": 100.34, "end": 105.3, "text": "I got on the treadmill, said it to brisk, and my soul left at 3.2 miles an hour."}, {"start": 105.3, "end": 107.1, "text": "The machine said, cool down."}, {"start": 107.1, "end": 108.3, "text": "I'd never warmed up."}, {"start": 108.3, "end": 116.57, "text": "I just suffered at two speeds."}, {"start": 116.57, "end": 118.73, "text": "My doctor said, lose some weight."}, {"start": 118.73, "end": 131.15, "text": "I said, doc, my body and my bank account are in a race to zero, let them compete."}, {"start": 131.15, "end": 133.75, "text": "My knees announced me before I enter a room."}, {"start": 133.75, "end": 143.27, "text": "I sound like a haunted staircase walking into a denny's."}, {"start": 143.27, "end": 146.67, "text": "I stretch, I hydrate, I set three alarms for a nap."}, {"start": 146.67, "end": 156.64, "text": "It's not self-care that's a man scheduling a controlled shutdown."}, {"start": 156.64, "end": 158.4, "text": "Sex at 50 is dangerous."}, {"start": 158.4, "end": 161.44, "text": "I threw my back out reaching for confidence I didn't have."}, {"start": 161.44, "end": 163.28, "text": "The doctor goes, what happened?"}, {"start": 163.28, "end": 172.58, "text": "I said, ambition."}, {"start": 172.58, "end": 176.5, "text": "I bought reading glasses, then bought a backup pair, then lost both."}, {"start": 176.5, "end": 185.8, "text": "Then cried, couldn't see the tears which honestly helped."}, {"start": 185.8, "end": 187.84, "text": "They say 50 is the new 30."}, {"start": 187.84, "end": 190.04, "text": "For me, 50 is the new overdue."}, {"start": 190.04, "end": 199.38, "text": "I'm a library book the universe forgot to return."}, {"start": 199.38, "end": 201.98, "text": "My idea of a hangover now is honesty."}, {"start": 201.98, "end": 206.86, "text": "I have one beer and wake up confronting my entire life at 4am with a headache and a vision"}, {"start": 206.86, "end": 215.35, "text": "board."}, {"start": 215.35, "end": 216.55, "text": "Here's the truth."}, {"start": 216.55, "end": 220.95, "text": "My body's falling apart but I'm still here still cleaning, still chasing it, still pulling"}, {"start": 220.95, "end": 223.27, "text": "muscles reaching for a dream."}, {"start": 223.27, "end": 224.83, "text": "That's not breaking down."}, {"start": 224.83, "end": 226.91, "text": "That's wearing out in the right direction."}, {"start": 226.91, "end": 234.99, "text": "Last laugh's mine let me just sit first."}, {"start": 234.99, "end": 236.79, "text": "Somebody help him off the stool slowly."}, {"start": 236.79, "end": 237.79, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThe body was under warranty once. That warranty expired. Please welcome a man held together by tape and spiked, Jessie. I turned 50 and my body started sending me invoices for fun I had in my 20s, with interest and a late fee called your knees. I pulled a muscle picking up a quarter, negative return on a coin. I didn't find money. I found a chiropractors boat payment. I sneezed last week and something in my back went no and filed for divorce. I now stretch before I stretch. At 50, a wild Friday night is falling asleep before the street lights come on and waking up at 3 a.m. furious at a blanket. I joined a gym for the new me. The new me has the same body as the old me, but now it's $40 a month and ashamed in public. The gym bros look at me like, do you even lift? Buddy, I lift toilet seats in my own spirits for a living. Try repping that for 11 years. I got on the treadmill, said it to brisk, and my soul left at 3.2 miles an hour. The machine said, cool down. I'd never warmed up. I just suffered at two speeds. My doctor said, lose some weight. I said, doc, my body and my bank account are in a race to zero, let them compete. My knees announced me before I enter a room. I sound like a haunted staircase walking into a denny's. I stretch, I hydrate, I set three alarms for a nap. It's not self-care that's a man scheduling a controlled shutdown. Sex at 50 is dangerous. I threw my back out reaching for confidence I didn't have. The doctor goes, what happened? I said, ambition. I bought reading glasses, then bought a backup pair, then lost both. Then cried, couldn't see the tears which honestly helped. They say 50 is the new 30. For me, 50 is the new overdue. I'm a library book the universe forgot to return. My idea of a hangover now is honesty. I have one beer and wake up confronting my entire life at 4am with a headache and a vision board. Here's the truth. My body's falling apart but I'm still here still cleaning, still chasing it, still pulling muscles reaching for a dream. That's not breaking down. That's wearing out in the right direction. Last laugh's mine let me just sit first. Somebody help him off the stool slowly. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}