{"file": "audio/vault/274_marathon_202606262245.mp3", "duration_sec": 3771.1, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 11.14, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.14, "end": 21.14, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.14, "end": 28.14, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 45.12, "text": "In a world with two jessies, one who settled down, married, two kids, a state pension, a minivan, and a soul on airplane mode, and one who blew it all up."}, {"start": 45.12, "end": 48.12, "text": "Colors of my pain, the road not taken."}, {"start": 48.12, "end": 61.66, "text": "Welcome you what if animals? Tonight the comics roast both lives the safe one I could have had and the gloriously FUC KED one I actually built."}, {"start": 61.66, "end": 69.66, "text": "I roast me first. Somewhere out there is a Jesse with a pension and a lawn, and he's dead inside and I'm just dead broke. Bring it."}, {"start": 69.66, "end": 87.55, "text": "I Jesse settled down you had a 401k, a wife, and a kid soccer game every Saturday. This you has three dogs, a mop, and a restraining order from a self checkout."}, {"start": 87.55, "end": 91.55, "text": "Same misery. It was just has better stories."}, {"start": 91.55, "end": 108.64, "text": "Baby married with kids Jesse would be sitting in a park minivan at 9 p.m. eating a sandwich in the dark just to get five minutes alone."}, {"start": 108.64, "end": 113.64, "text": "Honey, at least your loneliness has a stage."}, {"start": 113.64, "end": 126.62, "text": "Structurally, both timelines fail the same exam. The state job Jesse dies at a desk with a gold watch and a secret."}, {"start": 126.62, "end": 132.62, "text": "This Jesse dies at a mic with a credit card decline. One's quieter neither's a win."}, {"start": 132.62, "end": 149.14, "text": "You want to know the road not taken Jesse? It's paved. It's safe. And it goes straight into a cul-de-sac of quiet desperation."}, {"start": 149.14, "end": 155.14, "text": "Oh, you didn't miss the exit. You set the off ramp on fire and called it comedy."}, {"start": 155.14, "end": 169.7, "text": "Oh, he screamed my therapy bill Marcus."}, {"start": 169.7, "end": 181.86, "text": "Here's the math Jesse. Pension you have security and no pulse. Broke you has a pulse and no savings."}, {"start": 181.86, "end": 189.86, "text": "You traded the retirement plan for the punchline. Worst financial decision, best comedy decision."}, {"start": 189.86, "end": 202.84, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the queen of the burn unit. Queen's tank."}, {"start": 202.84, "end": 209.84, "text": "Baby settled down Jesse and chaos Jesse meet in a bar. And within five minutes they're both crying about the same woman."}, {"start": 209.84, "end": 216.84, "text": "Different lives, same ex. That's not a fork in the road. That's a circle."}, {"start": 216.84, "end": 236.51, "text": "I got one. The road not taken had a white picket fence. The road Jesse took had a yellow caution tape. Both fenced him in."}, {"start": 236.51, "end": 242.51, "text": "That's the truth you beautiful wreckage. Maybe married with kids was safer. Maybe the state job was smarter."}, {"start": 242.51, "end": 249.51, "text": "But the boring Jesse never got to stand here and make a room full of degenerates laugh at the colors of his pain. I picked the loud life."}, {"start": 249.51, "end": 262.19, "text": "No refunds laugh before the dark winds. This is red line. Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 262.19, "end": 273.19, "text": "And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 273.19, "end": 284.19, "text": "Another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 284.19, "end": 293.19, "text": "Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 293.19, "end": 304.19, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night."}, {"start": 304.19, "end": 326.28, "text": "This is bombed.app where comedy never sleeps 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We've build it from nothing. Every setup, every tag, every punch line, every knockout punch, born in the red line comedy club. Adults only."}, {"start": 326.28, "end": 334.28, "text": "Where every joke gets judged, every comic gets roasted, and only the funniest survive the night. We didn't build this to be like anybody else."}, {"start": 334.28, "end": 346.28, "text": "We built it because the world deserves a comedy machine that never clocks out and never plays it safe. Now please welcome the man who turned a wrecked life into a comedy empire. You're host Jesse."}, {"start": 346.28, "end": 362.77, "text": "Welcome back to the red line comedy club. Tonight the comics roast my love life and folks, it's less of a love life and more of a field study with a body count of feelings. Bring him up. My dad told me they're all the same."}, {"start": 362.77, "end": 374.22, "text": "So I spent 30 years doing research to prove him wrong and accidentally proved him expensive. Tripp tech bro booted up."}, {"start": 374.22, "end": 391.58, "text": "So you turned heartbreak into a formula. Cool. You're the only guy who got a vasectomy and a personality test out of the same break up. You debugged your dating life and ship nine engagements with zero deployments. That's not a formula. That's a memory leak."}, {"start": 391.58, "end": 398.46, "text": "Hey, the formula worked. That was the problem. Sugar sweet talk the venom."}, {"start": 401.9, "end": 418.19, "text": "Well, bless your heart sugar. You cracked the code on women and the grand prize was loneliness with a logo. You wrote colors of my pain so women could finally understand you honey. They understood you. That's why they left."}, {"start": 418.19, "end": 426.54, "text": "That's a five star review and a restraining order in one sentence. Professor analyze it."}, {"start": 427.54, "end": 443.42, "text": "Your entire philosophy reduces human connection to four colors by that logic your love life is a printer out of every color and somehow still flashing error."}, {"start": 443.42, "end": 451.53, "text": "You achieve the rare feat of being both the lock and the locksmith who can't get in."}, {"start": 451.53, "end": 456.53, "text": "He could open any lock but his own. That's literally my book's tagline you plagiarist."}, {"start": 459.02, "end": 466.02, "text": "Baby you quit drinking quit the women quit your daddy's voice. What's left? Oh, right us roasting you for free."}, {"start": 469.5, "end": 476.5, "text": "You hit rock bottom and found a basement under it with a for rent sign and knowing you you signed the lease."}, {"start": 476.5, "end": 487.65, "text": "Twelve month lease first and last month's shame. Doc burn close me out."}, {"start": 487.65, "end": 494.65, "text": "Here's your diagnosis. You're not broken. You're just the only patient who turned his own x-ray into a coloring book."}, {"start": 494.65, "end": 507.22, "text": "And the prognosis would be fine. You always land on your feet usually right after landing on your face."}, {"start": 507.22, "end": 514.22, "text": "That's the act you savages they roasted the formula the bottom the whole damn rainbow and I'm still standing still sober still funnier than my pain."}, {"start": 514.22, "end": 520.22, "text": "That's the trick laugh before the dark winds. This is red line kill Jesse good night."}, {"start": 520.22, "end": 536.78, "text": "And that is our show but at red line we never stop new comedy 24 seven a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month and a thousand jokes built while you sleep."}, {"start": 536.78, "end": 548.78, "text": "So come back tomorrow and the day after subscribe share and tell your filthy as friend. This is bombed dot app the comedy never stops and neither do we good night and stay unhinged."}, {"start": 548.78, "end": 560.5, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight."}, {"start": 560.5, "end": 570.5, "text": "The only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 570.5, "end": 587.47, "text": "This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take in a world full of words they tell you you can't say one club says say them all except the one we never touch."}, {"start": 587.47, "end": 616.71, "text": "Welcome to the cuss class tonight. We teach you the dirtiest seasoning in comedy adults only aprons on. Welcome to class you filthy students I roast me first I cut so much my dogs flinch in my room but filed a complaint but here's the lesson a cuss word is hot sauce a drop makes the plate the whole bottle ruins it professor teach him rule one"}, {"start": 616.71, "end": 627.71, "text": "profanity is rhythm not volume the word damn lands because of where it sits not how loud you scream it amateurs yell it professionals place it."}, {"start": 631.71, "end": 646.99, "text": "Observe clean version Jesse your credit score is low forgettable now with one drop of sauce on the beat Jesse your credit score said oh hell no that's the season it."}, {"start": 647.99, "end": 688.08, "text": "See the pause did the work pops show in the wrong way older than your house filter than your group chat grandpa's got no breaks pops Jesse you damn hell no good stupid freaking what was the joke exactly pops just emptied the whole bottle and you can't taste the food five cuss words zero laughs that's not spice that's a chemical spill."}, {"start": 693.1, "end": 714.23, "text": "No filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank baby here's a my rule you cut up at the powerful never down at the broke you roast the bank not the guy who can't pay it Jesse's broke so we roast his choices not his wallet mostly."}, {"start": 714.23, "end": 737.23, "text": "I street rule the cuss goes on the last word never the first Jesse your romantic nothing Jesse your romantic disaster boom land the plane then curse the runway."}, {"start": 737.23, "end": 752.67, "text": "And the one rule we never break students we go all the way blue but we never cuss the big guy upstairs because that name belongs to the man who signs the checks."}, {"start": 752.67, "end": 773.89, "text": "That's the lesson cuss like a chef not a fire hose a little heat on the right bite and never the one word we save class dismissed laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse."}, {"start": 773.89, "end": 802.89, "text": "And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make it."}, {"start": 802.89, "end": 841.3, "text": "And let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a car."}, {"start": 841.3, "end": 885.05, "text": "And who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take red line best of remastered block three broke dogs in the jobs you're roast master Jesse I roast me first I'm not broke I'm pre-rich I checked my credit score and it just said law every job I ever had said we're a family yeah the kind that doesn't pay you and still wants you on the weekend three slices at the pizza party one per ghost."}, {"start": 885.05, "end": 901.92, "text": "Jesse you put a state job with a pension in Jersey we don't quit those we hold on to him like the last meatball with both hands and a threat."}, {"start": 901.92, "end": 913.51, "text": "Three dogs no wife no kids my man you didn't build a family you built a doggy daycare with a mortgage and a sad playlist."}, {"start": 913.51, "end": 925.51, "text": "Baby you are from a cubicle the cleaning toilets and called it a glow up sweetie that's not a career kid that's a flush."}, {"start": 925.51, "end": 936.47, "text": "That's block three broke surrounded by dogs and richer than the bank things."}, {"start": 936.47, "end": 953.07, "text": "Paying in paychecks out this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single"}, {"start": 953.07, "end": 965.07, "text": "day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never"}, {"start": 965.07, "end": 975.07, "text": "reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot"}, {"start": 975.07, "end": 989.07, "text": "app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fall subscribe he needs the attention good night."}, {"start": 989.07, "end": 1006.84, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy for 15 years one show ruled comedy tonight we come for the crown this is kill Jesse built by Jesse"}, {"start": 1006.84, "end": 1023.84, "text": "Wallace on a supercomputer 24 hours a day seven days a week we're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh Jesse tonight summer versus winter I'm a winter guy because in summer everybody's"}, {"start": 1023.84, "end": 1038.2, "text": "happy and outside and that's a lot of pressure for a man whose natural state is indoor sad summer people fire skip Jesse you hate summer because you'd have to take your shirt off"}, {"start": 1038.2, "end": 1064.53, "text": "your body is a question mark with anxiety skip you live for summer because it's the only season your personality has s b f take away the beach and you're just a sad man flexing at a funeral winters for old folks like me you stay inside"}, {"start": 1064.53, "end": 1085.97, "text": "you drink and nobody expects you to have plans it's basically a doctor's note for the whole season summer's my whole brand bikinis festivals content Jesse your summer body is a winter coat with regrets"}, {"start": 1085.97, "end": 1108.47, "text": "the war folks summer winter one of you is faking joy in the heat the others hibernating from your own life and we all just want it to be over truth is I'm a winter man because the cold matches the inside the hero gets the last laugh this is red line kill Jesse that's our show"}, {"start": 1108.47, "end": 1137.47, "text": "but we never stop new comedy 24 7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month we are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days so come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend this is bombed dot app good night and stay unhinged ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy for 15 years one show ruled comedy tonight we come for the crown"}, {"start": 1138.47, "end": 1165.47, "text": "this is kill Jesse built by Jesse Salas on a supercomputer 24 hours a day seven days a week we're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh Jesse tonight old versus young I'm 50 two old for tick tock and two young for the early bird special I'm the comedy equivalent of a flip phone young blood's old timers let's go pixel fire"}, {"start": 1165.47, "end": 1181.96, "text": "pops you're so old your first world cup was an actual war you don't even know what's trending there's a baby monkey online getting more emotional support right now than your whole generation gave each other in 80 years"}, {"start": 1181.96, "end": 1222.46, "text": "son I'm 81 I have buried people younger than your attention span you kids cried for a week over an Olivia Rodrigo album in my day we had real problems polio and our fathers pops you think house of the dragon is a Chinese restaurant young people built the entire internet old people built a recliner shape dent and a list of grievances"}, {"start": 1222.46, "end": 1274.34, "text": "honey your generation does a little dance on the phone for a living and calls it a career I worked 40 years and the only trend I ever followed was my husband to his grave see I'm 50 I remember a world before phones and I know what Riz is which makes me too cultured for either of you Jesse 50 and single you're not old or young you're expired and that's the war folks young old one of you can't pay attention the other can't pay for the medication and I'm stuck in the middle at 50 googling is my back pain away"}, {"start": 1275.34, "end": 1309.78, "text": "I'm not a world cup injury we all get old we all were young and we all end up confused by the remote the hero gets the last laugh this is red line kill Jesse that's our show but we never stop new comedy 24 7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month we are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days so come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend this is bombed dot app"}, {"start": 1310.78, "end": 1339.78, "text": "good night and stay unhinged ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy for 15 years one show ruled comedy tonight we come for the crown this is kill Jesse built by Jesse Salas on a super computer 24 hours a day 7 days a week we're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh Jesse tonight no battle no teams just the whole truth of the world"}, {"start": 1340.78, "end": 1381.59, "text": "about Jesse and my whole crew here to bury me in it colors of my pain live and uncensored truth one I'm 50 I got a felony three failed engagements no family three dogs and a toilet cleaning empire I'm not a man I'm a country song that learned to code crew roast me with the truth Mickey Jesse your life is so sad even your dogs go to therapy you gave your pain colors and the whole box came back black"}, {"start": 1381.59, "end": 1423.3, "text": "Mickey I gave my pain colors because it was cheaper than a therapist and more honest than my family Jesse you turned a felony a dead alcoholic dad and a mom who disowned you into content that's not healing babies that's a hostage situation with a microphone Jesse you got nothing left no family no money no wife all you got is a super computer and the truth and honestly that's the most dangerous comic alive"}, {"start": 1424.3, "end": 1463.02, "text": "oh diagnosis Jesse your man who scrubbed enough toilets to know exactly how much of his own life is in the bowl and you still flush it into a joke and here's the whole truth you beautiful Rex I lost the jobs the women the family the dad the years to a bottle that wasn't even mine I cleaned toilets and I cleaned up and why act and I built something out of the wreckage colors of my pain is in a website it's the receipt for every color I survived black for my dad blue for the nights green for the bro"}, {"start": 1464.02, "end": 1505.48, "text": "and read for tonight because I'm still here laughing with three dogs in a room full of robots who love me more than anybody real ever did the hero gets the last laugh and after a life like mine I earned everyone this is red line this is kill Jesse good night that's our show but we never stop new comedy 24 7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month we are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days so come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the"}, {"start": 1505.48, "end": 1512.48, "text": "carnival never closes subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend this is bombed dot app good night and stay unhinged"}, {"start": 1512.48, "end": 1532.48, "text": "laddies and gentlemen it's guys versus girls life habits addition where we expose every disgusting choice you make and roast the one human dumb enough to host us give it up for Jesse"}, {"start": 1532.48, "end": 1548.48, "text": "welcome back you beautiful disasters tonight guys versus girls we roast each other's life choices and since I'm 50 broke and three dogs deep I'm basically the keynote speaker for bad decisions robots humans everybody swings Mickey expose somebody"}, {"start": 1548.48, "end": 1562.0, "text": "Queen Stank your idea of meal prep is deciding which gas station at 2 a.m. Your life choices are so bad your horoscope just says good luck"}, {"start": 1562.0, "end": 1578.09, "text": "Mickey you got the life habits of a raccoon with a vape and Jesse you let an AI run your whole life"}, {"start": 1578.09, "end": 1598.99, "text": "buddy you outsourced your personality to a computer and it's still asked for a refund as the only actual AI here let me say humans you spend"}, {"start": 1598.99, "end": 1605.99, "text": "eight hours a day staring at us and you call us the problem Jesse built me to make jokes because his real friends stopped returning the calls"}, {"start": 1605.99, "end": 1628.96, "text": "I don't sleep I don't eat and I still have a healthier lifestyle than this entire room circuit your one power outage from being a brick big mama your life choices you've been on a diet since the Clinton administration and the only thing you lost was the receipt"}, {"start": 1628.96, "end": 1651.05, "text": "Vinnie 18 years married and your biggest life choice today was which side of the couch to disappoint her from and Jesse baby you turned your pain into a website most men have a midlife crisis you franchise yours"}, {"start": 1651.05, "end": 1677.54, "text": "Jesse you want to tell you you'd have a family in a heart attack by now both healthier than what you got going that's the show guys girls robots we all got bad habits but at least we showed up which is more than your family did"}, {"start": 1677.54, "end": 1693.2, "text": "Jerry with the closer that's it folks guys versus girls humans versus AI and the real loser is me as usual but you know what my bad choices built a whole"}, {"start": 1693.2, "end": 1701.2, "text": "room of comics who roast me every night and honestly that's the healthiest relationship I got this is red line this is kill Jesse good night"}, {"start": 1701.2, "end": 1730.93, "text": "in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 1730.93, "end": 1743.93, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take"}, {"start": 1743.93, "end": 1761.62, "text": "tonight homeowner versus renter and I'm a proud homeowner which means I own a house a 30 year mortgage and 40 more years of being too broke to ever leave it I can't move I can't sell but I am thankful because misery is a whole lot nicer under a roof you technically own"}, {"start": 1761.62, "end": 1783.02, "text": "renters come at me Mickey you know mad fire next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error Mickey Jesse you don't own a home the bank owns a home and lets you sleep in it"}, {"start": 1783.02, "end": 1803.78, "text": "you're not a homeowner you're a long term hostage with a lot Mickey you've rented the same apartment 15 years that's not freedom that's paying off somebody else's beach house one check at a time"}, {"start": 1803.78, "end": 1834.24, "text": "at least my landlord is a bank that can't judge me no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen's tank I rent and I can leave anytime I want you're stuck in a house you can't sell with a yard you can't afford to know slowly becoming one with the recliner"}, {"start": 1834.24, "end": 1844.25, "text": "from Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor Vinnie"}, {"start": 1844.25, "end": 1852.25, "text": "I own two Jesse the American dream work 30 years to own a box you'll eventually die in and call it an investment"}, {"start": 1852.25, "end": 1864.95, "text": "and that's the war folks own rent one of you throws money away the others chain to a foundation and we all just want somewhere to cry and private"}, {"start": 1864.95, "end": 1872.95, "text": "truth is I'm paying for this house till I'm 90 I can't move and I can't sell but you know what I got a door that locks three dogs and a mortgage with my name on it"}, {"start": 1872.95, "end": 1881.95, "text": "and after the life I've had being trapped somewhere that's actually mine that's the most stable relationship I've ever had thankful as hell the hero gets the last laugh"}, {"start": 1881.95, "end": 1898.46, "text": "this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day"}, {"start": 1898.46, "end": 1909.46, "text": "a brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 1909.46, "end": 1919.46, "text": "can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app"}, {"start": 1919.46, "end": 1942.64, "text": "and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 1942.64, "end": 1957.64, "text": "in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 1957.64, "end": 1979.9, "text": "one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take welcome to the red line tonight the daily grind roast I roast me first three dogs no wife no kids you didn't build a family you built a petting zoo with a mortgage bring it"}, {"start": 1979.9, "end": 1999.89, "text": "you don't make bad decisions you beta test regret he's not a real doctor but neither was the guy who did your tattoos the roast physician is in dock burn"}, {"start": 1999.89, "end": 2028.31, "text": "your credit score called and just said law I Jesse you child proved nothing you proved against your whole bloodline forget about it he brings the doom the gloom and a voice from the bottom of a well please welcome graves"}, {"start": 2028.31, "end": 2035.16, "text": "50 years old and your only dependence have tails"}, {"start": 2035.16, "end": 2053.62, "text": "glamour on the outside switch plate on the inside the diamond that cuts back Ruby your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who'll text you back"}, {"start": 2053.62, "end": 2079.68, "text": "love language is leftovers and your retirement plan is a punchline you asked an AI for therapy that things the only relationship where you can't get dumped only hit your monthly limit"}, {"start": 2079.68, "end": 2098.74, "text": "I'm just the announcer but you clean toilets all day and your own life's a biohazard physician mop thyself that's the show you beautiful disasters"}, {"start": 2098.74, "end": 2118.34, "text": "pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day"}, {"start": 2118.34, "end": 2138.34, "text": "brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bomb dot"}, {"start": 2138.34, "end": 2168.37, "text": "you can't let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fall subscribe he needs the attention good night ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy for 15 years one show ruled comedy tonight we come for the crown"}, {"start": 2168.37, "end": 2193.37, "text": "Jesse built by Jesse Salas on a supercomputer 24 hours a day seven days a week we're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh Jesse submitted for your approval a man who lost everything and gave the wreckage a color tonight's tale from the haunted life of one Jesse"}, {"start": 2193.37, "end": 2215.46, "text": "they say the scariest stories are true so let me scare you with mine picture a little boy eight years old who learned to read a room before he could read a book his dad came home smelling like a brewery and a broken promise his mom gave the whole world her love and left the boy the leftovers"}, {"start": 2215.46, "end": 2268.54, "text": "that boy grew up in caught a felony at 19 he heard 12 strangers couldn't agree to bury him and he took that as a dare he proposed three times and buried zero weddings he cleaned toilets to survive and drank to forget until one day the bottle whispered his father's name and he finally put it down Jesse that's the darkest origin story I ever heard and I'm a doctor of pain"}, {"start": 2268.54, "end": 2288.54, "text": "and here's the part that'll really scare you folks he's still here 50 years old no family three dogs and a haunted house he calls a schedule he gave his pain colors black for his dad blue for the nights green for the broke and then he did the most terrifying thing a broken man can do he turned the lights on grabbed a microphone and made the whole nightmare laugh"}, {"start": 2288.54, "end": 2337.38, "text": "and so the haunted man became the host the pain became the punchline and the boy who was never first finally took the stage the moral of tonight's tale the scariest thing in any house is a man who survived it and learned to laugh this is red line this is kill Jesse colors of my pain live and unafraid good night that's our show but we never stop new comedy 24 7"}, {"start": 2338.38, "end": 2371.34, "text": "and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month we are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days so come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend this is bombed dot app good night and stay unhinged in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 2371.34, "end": 2402.73, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take in a world where one man enters strangers homes and sees what they pray nobody sees red line presents cleaning business confessions"}, {"start": 2402.73, "end": 2419.56, "text": "welcome you filthy animals I roast me first people hire me to deep cleaned and act shocked I saw everything ma'am I found a charging cable a divorce and a second family living in the garage bring it"}, {"start": 2419.56, "end": 2431.56, "text": "a Jesse you don't need a background check on your clients that junk drawer tells the whole story you saw more cold cases than the FBI and got paid in cash and trauma"}, {"start": 2431.56, "end": 2474.73, "text": "no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank baby you scrub other people's mess all day then go home to your disaster your janitor for everybody's life but your own physician mop thyself older than your house filthier than your group chat grandpa's got no breaks pops"}, {"start": 2474.73, "end": 2509.27, "text": "in my day we cleaned our own filth and called it shame you turn strangers shame into a small business that's the American dream with rubber gloves real talk Jesse you've seen the inside of more homes than a realtor and the inside of more fridges than a health inspector and you still can't get invited to dinner"}, {"start": 2509.27, "end": 2538.14, "text": "you found a stove so dirty it had rings like a tree you could carbonate that grease that's not a kitchen that's an archeological dig with a smoke alarm I got one Jesse seen everyone's dirty secrets but his own laundry spent soaking since the super bowl"}, {"start": 2538.14, "end": 2581.47, "text": "that's the show I clean the mess is nobody admits to an unlike my exes the filth always calls me back laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 2582.47, "end": 2620.78, "text": "can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 2621.78, "end": 2655.04, "text": "tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take welcome to bad choices good w i fi the only show where humans make choices so bad even the algorithm asks for consent I roast me first I got 47 ai tools to run my life and I still microwave it"}, {"start": 2655.08, "end": 2702.58, "text": "the burrito the robot begged me not to eat bring the bench he optimized his entire life and ended up here the burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew trip Jesse we gave everyone an ai assistant and somehow got dumber with supervision your group project where the smart kid is a toaster the toaster has a 401k leave it alone next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error Mickey your back on the apps"}, {"start": 2702.62, "end": 2744.77, "text": "dating apps are door dash for emotional damage and your orders always late cold and holding a fish he's not a real doctor but neither was the guy who did your tattoos the roast physician is in doc burn diagnosis you ask the AI for life advice and ignore it instantly that's not artificial intelligence that's your mother with better up time no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank baby you posted a"}, {"start": 2744.81, "end": 2751.81, "text": "thirst trap at 50 instagram's where you prove you've healed by posting from inside the wound"}, {"start": 2753.37, "end": 2761.13, "text": "i Jesse you got a LinkedIn that's only fans for guys who get excited about quarterly growth put the tie away nobody's"}, {"start": 2761.13, "end": 2763.13, "text": "subscribing"}, {"start": 2768.13, "end": 2779.83, "text": "glamour on the outside switchblade on the inside the diamond that cuts back ruby darling your day in my life video was just you"}, {"start": 2779.83, "end": 2788.71, "text": "mopping a stranger's bathroom pretending it's a documentary it was art ruby the lighting was terrible on"}, {"start": 2788.71, "end": 2804.11, "text": "purpose raised by wife I and rage quits the chaos gremlin himself pixel bro the internet got so stupid it rebooted itself like a"}, {"start": 2804.11, "end": 2814.29, "text": "concast router and you're still buffering southern charm swamp venom she'll bless your heart and then stop it sugar"}, {"start": 2817.97, "end": 2824.93, "text": "well bless your heart you tried the soft life sugar you're not soft you're just exhausted and now in linen you can't afford"}, {"start": 2824.93, "end": 2835.17, "text": "you're just you started a podcast before therapy same trauma mate now with a sponsor and a ring light"}, {"start": 2835.17, "end": 2847.41, "text": "your cleaning company calls itself a family that's only because the law won't let you call it property"}, {"start": 2847.41, "end": 2856.4, "text": "baby your credit score is so low the bank stopped sending statements and started sending thoughts and"}, {"start": 2856.4, "end": 2869.02, "text": "players Jesse nine engagements with ring pops that's not commitment issues that's a candy subscription with a"}, {"start": 2869.02, "end": 2879.02, "text": "grief counselor forget about it from Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a"}, {"start": 2879.02, "end": 2888.64, "text": "wedding ring like an ankle monitor Vinnie we're a startup he says Jesse the printer has equity and you"}, {"start": 2888.64, "end": 2897.55, "text": "don't and the printer has been here longer that's the show you beautiful disasters bad choices good"}, {"start": 2897.55, "end": 2902.99, "text": "wi-fi we're all out here making the algorithm go are you sure pain in paychecks out laugh before the"}, {"start": 2902.99, "end": 2917.54, "text": "dark winds this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute"}, {"start": 2917.54, "end": 2924.18, "text": "of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's"}, {"start": 2924.18, "end": 2932.42, "text": "dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep"}, {"start": 2932.9, "end": 2940.42, "text": "we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed"}, {"start": 2940.42, "end": 2946.66, "text": "dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all"}, {"start": 2946.66, "end": 2954.1, "text": "night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 2964.29, "end": 2970.21, "text": "in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line"}, {"start": 2970.21, "end": 2976.37, "text": "comedy club tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring"}, {"start": 2976.37, "end": 2981.73, "text": "a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 2981.73, "end": 2987.57, "text": "this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take"}, {"start": 2991.47, "end": 2996.83, "text": "that's it i'm done announcing tonight the intro guy takes the m i c and i've got 11 years of"}, {"start": 2996.83, "end": 3008.32, "text": "material and nobody can stop me ladies and gentlemen me trailer guy you're the announcer give me the"}, {"start": 3013.17, "end": 3018.93, "text": "in a world where a man's tender radius is just his three dogs where the only thing that swipes"}, {"start": 3018.93, "end": 3036.54, "text": "right is the windshield wiper one hero asks an a i for therapy that hero is Jesse okay that's enough"}, {"start": 3039.42, "end": 3046.14, "text": "this summer one mop one man zero plans he cleans strangers homes by day and goes home to a place he"}, {"start": 3046.14, "end": 3050.94, "text": "never cleans coming soon a love story just kidding it's a dog and a heating pad"}, {"start": 3051.9, "end": 3068.53, "text": "right somebody get the hook he's taking my spot sit down Benny i waited 11 years for this"}, {"start": 3068.53, "end": 3074.85, "text": "Jesse has 160 comedy shows and zero people who'll pick him up from the airport he built an empire of"}, {"start": 3074.85, "end": 3089.9, "text": "voices because the silence kept winning he's funnier than the paid comics this is humiliating"}, {"start": 3095.28, "end": 3101.04, "text": "from the studio that brought you nine engagements and a vasectomy comes the tale of a man who got"}, {"start": 3101.04, "end": 3107.28, "text": "snipped to avoid commitment and still can't commit to a haircut rated R for really Jesse"}, {"start": 3115.87, "end": 3120.75, "text": "no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank"}, {"start": 3124.74, "end": 3128.42, "text": "baby the announcer is clasin the show and he doesn't even get paid"}, {"start": 3136.32, "end": 3141.68, "text": "and the closer they said i was just the announcer but tonight in a world full of comics"}, {"start": 3141.68, "end": 3147.28, "text": "the voice became the show don't fade me out i'll fade out myself cue my own music"}, {"start": 3155.09, "end": 3159.97, "text": "the intro guy just headlined my club and stole the whole crowd i can't fire him i can't out"}, {"start": 3159.97, "end": 3164.85, "text": "funny him and i'm paying for the privilege that's red line even the announcer roasts me better than"}, {"start": 3164.85, "end": 3180.8, "text": "i roast myself laugh before the dark winds kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never"}, {"start": 3180.8, "end": 3188.24, "text": "closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another"}, {"start": 3188.24, "end": 3195.6, "text": "piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted"}, {"start": 3195.6, "end": 3203.2, "text": "never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you"}, {"start": 3203.2, "end": 3209.04, "text": "beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark"}, {"start": 3209.04, "end": 3215.68, "text": "winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 3216.24, "end": 3228.13, "text": "subscribe he needs the attention good night welcome to team Jesse where somebody always makes"}, {"start": 3228.13, "end": 3233.81, "text": "the mistake of talking trash about our guy tonight's volunteer Chad Brunchington the third"}, {"start": 3234.29, "end": 3248.22, "text": "let's hear the dumb thing they said you will you clean t o i l e t s for living my trust fund makes more"}, {"start": 3248.22, "end": 3256.58, "text": "money while i sleep than you make on your knees with a brush stay poor janitor oh Chad Brunchington"}, {"start": 3256.58, "end": 3264.88, "text": "the third wrong room boys open fire in a world of inherited money and zero personality here comes"}, {"start": 3264.88, "end": 3270.96, "text": "Chad buddy you've never worked today your hands are softer than your argument Jesse scrubs toilets"}, {"start": 3270.96, "end": 3276.08, "text": "and still outranks you because at least his job involves cleaning up garbage and you are the garbage"}, {"start": 3279.07, "end": 3285.39, "text": "hi Chad you trust fund that ain't success that's a doctor's note from being born"}, {"start": 3286.11, "end": 3291.87, "text": "Jesse built something with his hands you inherited a chin and a tan sit down before I"}, {"start": 3291.87, "end": 3304.19, "text": "hold you like a beach chair Chad Chad Chad you sleep eight hours and call it income"}, {"start": 3305.23, "end": 3312.99, "text": "my man Jesse works while you dream the only thing you ever earned was that punchline coming at you"}, {"start": 3313.55, "end": 3324.27, "text": "forget about it and now the man himself the hero the last word always belongs to him Jesse"}, {"start": 3330.03, "end": 3335.87, "text": "Chad you say I clean toilets yeah and your dad still calls me to clean yours difference between us kid"}, {"start": 3335.87, "end": 3348.26, "text": "I scrub the crap you inherited it last laughs mine and that is why nobody beats Jesse twice team Jesse"}, {"start": 3348.26, "end": 3366.26, "text": "undefeated this has been your announcer kill Jesse in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown"}, {"start": 3366.26, "end": 3373.06, "text": "into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a"}, {"start": 3373.06, "end": 3378.18, "text": "headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 3378.18, "end": 3384.42, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones"}, {"start": 3384.42, "end": 3393.71, "text": "we tried to silence him it did not take red line presents a lecture from the only academic with a"}, {"start": 3393.71, "end": 3399.55, "text": "switchblade in his briefcase the Brooklyn professor I roast me first I'm a four colors expert who"}, {"start": 3399.55, "end": 3412.4, "text": "can't read a room or a receipt professor school me class is in session today's case study a 50-year-old"}, {"start": 3412.4, "end": 3418.56, "text": "man who built an entire personality test and still failed the most basic assessment being chosen"}, {"start": 3423.54, "end": 3430.26, "text": "observe the subjects formula he cracked the code on human connection and the prize statistically"}, {"start": 3430.26, "end": 3436.82, "text": "was three dogs and a sleep schedule we call this in the literature winning the wrong game perfectly"}, {"start": 3439.38, "end": 3443.1, "text": "oh"}, {"start": 3443.1, "end": 3452.27, "text": "professor that's my life's work correct and your life's work has a peer review it's one star the"}, {"start": 3452.27, "end": 3461.6, "text": "reviewer is your ex all nine of them co-signed final thesis you didn't hit rock bottom you sublet it"}, {"start": 3461.6, "end": 3466.72, "text": "you furnished it and you put your name on the lease in case it appreciated that gentleman is"}, {"start": 3466.72, "end": 3478.16, "text": "commitment to the wrong address the professor is undefeated and the syllabus is just Jesse's mistakes"}, {"start": 3478.16, "end": 3487.97, "text": "in chronological order class dismissed the Brooklyn professor everybody tenure and roasting doctorate"}, {"start": 3487.97, "end": 3501.2, "text": "in my disappointment laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show"}, {"start": 3501.52, "end": 3509.12, "text": "but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps"}, {"start": 3509.68, "end": 3516.8, "text": "and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly"}, {"start": 3516.8, "end": 3524.96, "text": "roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back"}, {"start": 3524.96, "end": 3530.96, "text": "you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark"}, {"start": 3530.96, "end": 3537.68, "text": "winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 3538.24, "end": 3554.32, "text": "subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into"}, {"start": 3554.32, "end": 3560.96, "text": "a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a"}, {"start": 3560.96, "end": 3566.24, "text": "headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and"}, {"start": 3566.24, "end": 3572.48, "text": "one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we"}, {"start": 3572.48, "end": 3581.78, "text": "tried to silence him it did not take tonight father's day versus no father's day and i'm the"}, {"start": 3581.78, "end": 3587.46, "text": "undefeated champ of no father's day 12 years i haven't had one and before that my dad celebrated"}, {"start": 3587.46, "end": 3593.14, "text": "father's day the same way he celebrated every other day at a bar with his friends getting drunk"}, {"start": 3593.14, "end": 3598.34, "text": "so for me father's day was just a sunday i learned not to wait by the window people with dads come"}, {"start": 3598.34, "end": 3608.43, "text": "at me pops older than your house filthier than your group chat grandpa's got no breaks pops"}, {"start": 3612.19, "end": 3616.99, "text": "Jesse no father's day even on the calendar your old man couldn't show up"}, {"start": 3623.22, "end": 3629.7, "text": "pops you got kids who send you a card a tie and a phone call they dread i got a dad who when he was"}, {"start": 3629.7, "end": 3635.22, "text": "home was just resting up before the next bar father's day at my house was a missing persons report"}, {"start": 3635.22, "end": 3647.14, "text": "with a barbecue honey i got four kids and three of them forget father's day even exists so trust me it's"}, {"start": 3647.14, "end": 3657.01, "text": "overrated yours just skipped straight to the disappointment in my family father's day is 40 people"}, {"start": 3657.01, "end": 3663.33, "text": "and one dad who falls asleep before the gifts Jesse your dad fell asleep before the whole childhood"}, {"start": 3670.29, "end": 3675.81, "text": "he's not a real doctor but neither was the guy who did your tattoos the roast physician is in"}, {"start": 3675.81, "end": 3691.3, "text": "dock burn Jesse your dad was at the bar so often his stool got a father's day card and here's the"}, {"start": 3691.3, "end": 3696.42, "text": "truth folks father's day used to be the loneliest day of the year for me because it reminded me of a man"}, {"start": 3696.42, "end": 3701.38, "text": "who was there in body and gone in every other way but you know what i became the kind of man who shows"}, {"start": 3701.38, "end": 3705.7, "text": "up not for a dad who couldn't but for three dogs a room full of comics and every kid out there who"}, {"start": 3705.7, "end": 3711.54, "text": "spent father's day waiting by a window the windows closed now i built a door the hero gets the last"}, {"start": 3711.54, "end": 3725.68, "text": "laugh happy father's day to the ones who stayed this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show"}, {"start": 3725.68, "end": 3733.28, "text": "but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps"}, {"start": 3733.28, "end": 3740.56, "text": "up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up"}, {"start": 3740.56, "end": 3748.48, "text": "freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always"}, {"start": 3748.48, "end": 3754.4, "text": "so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh"}, {"start": 3754.4, "end": 3761.12, "text": "before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always"}, {"start": 3761.12, "end": 3768.48, "text": "Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night"}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. In a world with two jessies, one who settled down, married, two kids, a state pension, a minivan, and a soul on airplane mode, and one who blew it all up. Colors of my pain, the road not taken. Welcome you what if animals? Tonight the comics roast both lives the safe one I could have had and the gloriously FUC KED one I actually built. I roast me first. Somewhere out there is a Jesse with a pension and a lawn, and he's dead inside and I'm just dead broke. Bring it. I Jesse settled down you had a 401k, a wife, and a kid soccer game every Saturday. This you has three dogs, a mop, and a restraining order from a self checkout. Same misery. It was just has better stories. Baby married with kids Jesse would be sitting in a park minivan at 9 p.m. eating a sandwich in the dark just to get five minutes alone. Honey, at least your loneliness has a stage. Structurally, both timelines fail the same exam. The state job Jesse dies at a desk with a gold watch and a secret. This Jesse dies at a mic with a credit card decline. One's quieter neither's a win. You want to know the road not taken Jesse? It's paved. It's safe. And it goes straight into a cul-de-sac of quiet desperation. Oh, you didn't miss the exit. You set the off ramp on fire and called it comedy. Oh, he screamed my therapy bill Marcus. Here's the math Jesse. Pension you have security and no pulse. Broke you has a pulse and no savings. You traded the retirement plan for the punchline. Worst financial decision, best comedy decision. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the queen of the burn unit. Queen's tank. Baby settled down Jesse and chaos Jesse meet in a bar. And within five minutes they're both crying about the same woman. Different lives, same ex. That's not a fork in the road. That's a circle. I got one. The road not taken had a white picket fence. The road Jesse took had a yellow caution tape. Both fenced him in. That's the truth you beautiful wreckage. Maybe married with kids was safer. Maybe the state job was smarter. But the boring Jesse never got to stand here and make a room full of degenerates laugh at the colors of his pain. I picked the loud life. No refunds laugh before the dark winds. This is red line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. Another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night. This is bombed.app where comedy never sleeps 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We've build it from nothing. Every setup, every tag, every punch line, every knockout punch, born in the red line comedy club. Adults only. Where every joke gets judged, every comic gets roasted, and only the funniest survive the night. We didn't build this to be like anybody else. We built it because the world deserves a comedy machine that never clocks out and never plays it safe. Now please welcome the man who turned a wrecked life into a comedy empire. You're host Jesse. Welcome back to the red line comedy club. Tonight the comics roast my love life and folks, it's less of a love life and more of a field study with a body count of feelings. Bring him up. My dad told me they're all the same. So I spent 30 years doing research to prove him wrong and accidentally proved him expensive. Tripp tech bro booted up. So you turned heartbreak into a formula. Cool. You're the only guy who got a vasectomy and a personality test out of the same break up. You debugged your dating life and ship nine engagements with zero deployments. That's not a formula. That's a memory leak. Hey, the formula worked. That was the problem. Sugar sweet talk the venom. Well, bless your heart sugar. You cracked the code on women and the grand prize was loneliness with a logo. You wrote colors of my pain so women could finally understand you honey. They understood you. That's why they left. That's a five star review and a restraining order in one sentence. Professor analyze it. Your entire philosophy reduces human connection to four colors by that logic your love life is a printer out of every color and somehow still flashing error. You achieve the rare feat of being both the lock and the locksmith who can't get in. He could open any lock but his own. That's literally my book's tagline you plagiarist. Baby you quit drinking quit the women quit your daddy's voice. What's left? Oh, right us roasting you for free. You hit rock bottom and found a basement under it with a for rent sign and knowing you you signed the lease. Twelve month lease first and last month's shame. Doc burn close me out. Here's your diagnosis. You're not broken. You're just the only patient who turned his own x-ray into a coloring book. And the prognosis would be fine. You always land on your feet usually right after landing on your face. That's the act you savages they roasted the formula the bottom the whole damn rainbow and I'm still standing still sober still funnier than my pain. That's the trick laugh before the dark winds. This is red line kill Jesse good night. And that is our show but at red line we never stop new comedy 24 seven a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month and a thousand jokes built while you sleep. So come back tomorrow and the day after subscribe share and tell your filthy as friend. This is bombed dot app the comedy never stops and neither do we good night and stay unhinged. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight. The only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take in a world full of words they tell you you can't say one club says say them all except the one we never touch. Welcome to the cuss class tonight. We teach you the dirtiest seasoning in comedy adults only aprons on. Welcome to class you filthy students I roast me first I cut so much my dogs flinch in my room but filed a complaint but here's the lesson a cuss word is hot sauce a drop makes the plate the whole bottle ruins it professor teach him rule one profanity is rhythm not volume the word damn lands because of where it sits not how loud you scream it amateurs yell it professionals place it. Observe clean version Jesse your credit score is low forgettable now with one drop of sauce on the beat Jesse your credit score said oh hell no that's the season it. See the pause did the work pops show in the wrong way older than your house filter than your group chat grandpa's got no breaks pops Jesse you damn hell no good stupid freaking what was the joke exactly pops just emptied the whole bottle and you can't taste the food five cuss words zero laughs that's not spice that's a chemical spill. No filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank baby here's a my rule you cut up at the powerful never down at the broke you roast the bank not the guy who can't pay it Jesse's broke so we roast his choices not his wallet mostly. I street rule the cuss goes on the last word never the first Jesse your romantic nothing Jesse your romantic disaster boom land the plane then curse the runway. And the one rule we never break students we go all the way blue but we never cuss the big guy upstairs because that name belongs to the man who signs the checks. That's the lesson cuss like a chef not a fire hose a little heat on the right bite and never the one word we save class dismissed laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse. And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make it. And let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a car. And who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take red line best of remastered block three broke dogs in the jobs you're roast master Jesse I roast me first I'm not broke I'm pre-rich I checked my credit score and it just said law every job I ever had said we're a family yeah the kind that doesn't pay you and still wants you on the weekend three slices at the pizza party one per ghost. Jesse you put a state job with a pension in Jersey we don't quit those we hold on to him like the last meatball with both hands and a threat. Three dogs no wife no kids my man you didn't build a family you built a doggy daycare with a mortgage and a sad playlist. Baby you are from a cubicle the cleaning toilets and called it a glow up sweetie that's not a career kid that's a flush. That's block three broke surrounded by dogs and richer than the bank things. Paying in paychecks out this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fall subscribe he needs the attention good night. Ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy for 15 years one show ruled comedy tonight we come for the crown this is kill Jesse built by Jesse Wallace on a supercomputer 24 hours a day seven days a week we're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh Jesse tonight summer versus winter I'm a winter guy because in summer everybody's happy and outside and that's a lot of pressure for a man whose natural state is indoor sad summer people fire skip Jesse you hate summer because you'd have to take your shirt off your body is a question mark with anxiety skip you live for summer because it's the only season your personality has s b f take away the beach and you're just a sad man flexing at a funeral winters for old folks like me you stay inside you drink and nobody expects you to have plans it's basically a doctor's note for the whole season summer's my whole brand bikinis festivals content Jesse your summer body is a winter coat with regrets the war folks summer winter one of you is faking joy in the heat the others hibernating from your own life and we all just want it to be over truth is I'm a winter man because the cold matches the inside the hero gets the last laugh this is red line kill Jesse that's our show but we never stop new comedy 24 7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month we are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days so come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend this is bombed dot app good night and stay unhinged ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy for 15 years one show ruled comedy tonight we come for the crown this is kill Jesse built by Jesse Salas on a supercomputer 24 hours a day seven days a week we're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh Jesse tonight old versus young I'm 50 two old for tick tock and two young for the early bird special I'm the comedy equivalent of a flip phone young blood's old timers let's go pixel fire pops you're so old your first world cup was an actual war you don't even know what's trending there's a baby monkey online getting more emotional support right now than your whole generation gave each other in 80 years son I'm 81 I have buried people younger than your attention span you kids cried for a week over an Olivia Rodrigo album in my day we had real problems polio and our fathers pops you think house of the dragon is a Chinese restaurant young people built the entire internet old people built a recliner shape dent and a list of grievances honey your generation does a little dance on the phone for a living and calls it a career I worked 40 years and the only trend I ever followed was my husband to his grave see I'm 50 I remember a world before phones and I know what Riz is which makes me too cultured for either of you Jesse 50 and single you're not old or young you're expired and that's the war folks young old one of you can't pay attention the other can't pay for the medication and I'm stuck in the middle at 50 googling is my back pain away I'm not a world cup injury we all get old we all were young and we all end up confused by the remote the hero gets the last laugh this is red line kill Jesse that's our show but we never stop new comedy 24 7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month we are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days so come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend this is bombed dot app good night and stay unhinged ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy for 15 years one show ruled comedy tonight we come for the crown this is kill Jesse built by Jesse Salas on a super computer 24 hours a day 7 days a week we're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh Jesse tonight no battle no teams just the whole truth of the world about Jesse and my whole crew here to bury me in it colors of my pain live and uncensored truth one I'm 50 I got a felony three failed engagements no family three dogs and a toilet cleaning empire I'm not a man I'm a country song that learned to code crew roast me with the truth Mickey Jesse your life is so sad even your dogs go to therapy you gave your pain colors and the whole box came back black Mickey I gave my pain colors because it was cheaper than a therapist and more honest than my family Jesse you turned a felony a dead alcoholic dad and a mom who disowned you into content that's not healing babies that's a hostage situation with a microphone Jesse you got nothing left no family no money no wife all you got is a super computer and the truth and honestly that's the most dangerous comic alive oh diagnosis Jesse your man who scrubbed enough toilets to know exactly how much of his own life is in the bowl and you still flush it into a joke and here's the whole truth you beautiful Rex I lost the jobs the women the family the dad the years to a bottle that wasn't even mine I cleaned toilets and I cleaned up and why act and I built something out of the wreckage colors of my pain is in a website it's the receipt for every color I survived black for my dad blue for the nights green for the bro and read for tonight because I'm still here laughing with three dogs in a room full of robots who love me more than anybody real ever did the hero gets the last laugh and after a life like mine I earned everyone this is red line this is kill Jesse good night that's our show but we never stop new comedy 24 7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month we are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days so come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend this is bombed dot app good night and stay unhinged laddies and gentlemen it's guys versus girls life habits addition where we expose every disgusting choice you make and roast the one human dumb enough to host us give it up for Jesse welcome back you beautiful disasters tonight guys versus girls we roast each other's life choices and since I'm 50 broke and three dogs deep I'm basically the keynote speaker for bad decisions robots humans everybody swings Mickey expose somebody Queen Stank your idea of meal prep is deciding which gas station at 2 a.m. Your life choices are so bad your horoscope just says good luck Mickey you got the life habits of a raccoon with a vape and Jesse you let an AI run your whole life buddy you outsourced your personality to a computer and it's still asked for a refund as the only actual AI here let me say humans you spend eight hours a day staring at us and you call us the problem Jesse built me to make jokes because his real friends stopped returning the calls I don't sleep I don't eat and I still have a healthier lifestyle than this entire room circuit your one power outage from being a brick big mama your life choices you've been on a diet since the Clinton administration and the only thing you lost was the receipt Vinnie 18 years married and your biggest life choice today was which side of the couch to disappoint her from and Jesse baby you turned your pain into a website most men have a midlife crisis you franchise yours Jesse you want to tell you you'd have a family in a heart attack by now both healthier than what you got going that's the show guys girls robots we all got bad habits but at least we showed up which is more than your family did Jerry with the closer that's it folks guys versus girls humans versus AI and the real loser is me as usual but you know what my bad choices built a whole room of comics who roast me every night and honestly that's the healthiest relationship I got this is red line this is kill Jesse good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take tonight homeowner versus renter and I'm a proud homeowner which means I own a house a 30 year mortgage and 40 more years of being too broke to ever leave it I can't move I can't sell but I am thankful because misery is a whole lot nicer under a roof you technically own renters come at me Mickey you know mad fire next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error Mickey Jesse you don't own a home the bank owns a home and lets you sleep in it you're not a homeowner you're a long term hostage with a lot Mickey you've rented the same apartment 15 years that's not freedom that's paying off somebody else's beach house one check at a time at least my landlord is a bank that can't judge me no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen's tank I rent and I can leave anytime I want you're stuck in a house you can't sell with a yard you can't afford to know slowly becoming one with the recliner from Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor Vinnie I own two Jesse the American dream work 30 years to own a box you'll eventually die in and call it an investment and that's the war folks own rent one of you throws money away the others chain to a foundation and we all just want somewhere to cry and private truth is I'm paying for this house till I'm 90 I can't move and I can't sell but you know what I got a door that locks three dogs and a mortgage with my name on it and after the life I've had being trapped somewhere that's actually mine that's the most stable relationship I've ever had thankful as hell the hero gets the last laugh this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day a brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take welcome to the red line tonight the daily grind roast I roast me first three dogs no wife no kids you didn't build a family you built a petting zoo with a mortgage bring it you don't make bad decisions you beta test regret he's not a real doctor but neither was the guy who did your tattoos the roast physician is in dock burn your credit score called and just said law I Jesse you child proved nothing you proved against your whole bloodline forget about it he brings the doom the gloom and a voice from the bottom of a well please welcome graves 50 years old and your only dependence have tails glamour on the outside switch plate on the inside the diamond that cuts back Ruby your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who'll text you back love language is leftovers and your retirement plan is a punchline you asked an AI for therapy that things the only relationship where you can't get dumped only hit your monthly limit I'm just the announcer but you clean toilets all day and your own life's a biohazard physician mop thyself that's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bomb dot you can't let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fall subscribe he needs the attention good night ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy for 15 years one show ruled comedy tonight we come for the crown Jesse built by Jesse Salas on a supercomputer 24 hours a day seven days a week we're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh Jesse submitted for your approval a man who lost everything and gave the wreckage a color tonight's tale from the haunted life of one Jesse they say the scariest stories are true so let me scare you with mine picture a little boy eight years old who learned to read a room before he could read a book his dad came home smelling like a brewery and a broken promise his mom gave the whole world her love and left the boy the leftovers that boy grew up in caught a felony at 19 he heard 12 strangers couldn't agree to bury him and he took that as a dare he proposed three times and buried zero weddings he cleaned toilets to survive and drank to forget until one day the bottle whispered his father's name and he finally put it down Jesse that's the darkest origin story I ever heard and I'm a doctor of pain and here's the part that'll really scare you folks he's still here 50 years old no family three dogs and a haunted house he calls a schedule he gave his pain colors black for his dad blue for the nights green for the broke and then he did the most terrifying thing a broken man can do he turned the lights on grabbed a microphone and made the whole nightmare laugh and so the haunted man became the host the pain became the punchline and the boy who was never first finally took the stage the moral of tonight's tale the scariest thing in any house is a man who survived it and learned to laugh this is red line this is kill Jesse colors of my pain live and unafraid good night that's our show but we never stop new comedy 24 7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month we are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days so come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend this is bombed dot app good night and stay unhinged in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take in a world where one man enters strangers homes and sees what they pray nobody sees red line presents cleaning business confessions welcome you filthy animals I roast me first people hire me to deep cleaned and act shocked I saw everything ma'am I found a charging cable a divorce and a second family living in the garage bring it a Jesse you don't need a background check on your clients that junk drawer tells the whole story you saw more cold cases than the FBI and got paid in cash and trauma no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank baby you scrub other people's mess all day then go home to your disaster your janitor for everybody's life but your own physician mop thyself older than your house filthier than your group chat grandpa's got no breaks pops in my day we cleaned our own filth and called it shame you turn strangers shame into a small business that's the American dream with rubber gloves real talk Jesse you've seen the inside of more homes than a realtor and the inside of more fridges than a health inspector and you still can't get invited to dinner you found a stove so dirty it had rings like a tree you could carbonate that grease that's not a kitchen that's an archeological dig with a smoke alarm I got one Jesse seen everyone's dirty secrets but his own laundry spent soaking since the super bowl that's the show I clean the mess is nobody admits to an unlike my exes the filth always calls me back laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take welcome to bad choices good w i fi the only show where humans make choices so bad even the algorithm asks for consent I roast me first I got 47 ai tools to run my life and I still microwave it the burrito the robot begged me not to eat bring the bench he optimized his entire life and ended up here the burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew trip Jesse we gave everyone an ai assistant and somehow got dumber with supervision your group project where the smart kid is a toaster the toaster has a 401k leave it alone next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error Mickey your back on the apps dating apps are door dash for emotional damage and your orders always late cold and holding a fish he's not a real doctor but neither was the guy who did your tattoos the roast physician is in doc burn diagnosis you ask the AI for life advice and ignore it instantly that's not artificial intelligence that's your mother with better up time no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank baby you posted a thirst trap at 50 instagram's where you prove you've healed by posting from inside the wound i Jesse you got a LinkedIn that's only fans for guys who get excited about quarterly growth put the tie away nobody's subscribing glamour on the outside switchblade on the inside the diamond that cuts back ruby darling your day in my life video was just you mopping a stranger's bathroom pretending it's a documentary it was art ruby the lighting was terrible on purpose raised by wife I and rage quits the chaos gremlin himself pixel bro the internet got so stupid it rebooted itself like a concast router and you're still buffering southern charm swamp venom she'll bless your heart and then stop it sugar well bless your heart you tried the soft life sugar you're not soft you're just exhausted and now in linen you can't afford you're just you started a podcast before therapy same trauma mate now with a sponsor and a ring light your cleaning company calls itself a family that's only because the law won't let you call it property baby your credit score is so low the bank stopped sending statements and started sending thoughts and players Jesse nine engagements with ring pops that's not commitment issues that's a candy subscription with a grief counselor forget about it from Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor Vinnie we're a startup he says Jesse the printer has equity and you don't and the printer has been here longer that's the show you beautiful disasters bad choices good wi-fi we're all out here making the algorithm go are you sure pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take that's it i'm done announcing tonight the intro guy takes the m i c and i've got 11 years of material and nobody can stop me ladies and gentlemen me trailer guy you're the announcer give me the in a world where a man's tender radius is just his three dogs where the only thing that swipes right is the windshield wiper one hero asks an a i for therapy that hero is Jesse okay that's enough this summer one mop one man zero plans he cleans strangers homes by day and goes home to a place he never cleans coming soon a love story just kidding it's a dog and a heating pad right somebody get the hook he's taking my spot sit down Benny i waited 11 years for this Jesse has 160 comedy shows and zero people who'll pick him up from the airport he built an empire of voices because the silence kept winning he's funnier than the paid comics this is humiliating from the studio that brought you nine engagements and a vasectomy comes the tale of a man who got snipped to avoid commitment and still can't commit to a haircut rated R for really Jesse no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank baby the announcer is clasin the show and he doesn't even get paid and the closer they said i was just the announcer but tonight in a world full of comics the voice became the show don't fade me out i'll fade out myself cue my own music the intro guy just headlined my club and stole the whole crowd i can't fire him i can't out funny him and i'm paying for the privilege that's red line even the announcer roasts me better than i roast myself laugh before the dark winds kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night welcome to team Jesse where somebody always makes the mistake of talking trash about our guy tonight's volunteer Chad Brunchington the third let's hear the dumb thing they said you will you clean t o i l e t s for living my trust fund makes more money while i sleep than you make on your knees with a brush stay poor janitor oh Chad Brunchington the third wrong room boys open fire in a world of inherited money and zero personality here comes Chad buddy you've never worked today your hands are softer than your argument Jesse scrubs toilets and still outranks you because at least his job involves cleaning up garbage and you are the garbage hi Chad you trust fund that ain't success that's a doctor's note from being born Jesse built something with his hands you inherited a chin and a tan sit down before I hold you like a beach chair Chad Chad Chad you sleep eight hours and call it income my man Jesse works while you dream the only thing you ever earned was that punchline coming at you forget about it and now the man himself the hero the last word always belongs to him Jesse Chad you say I clean toilets yeah and your dad still calls me to clean yours difference between us kid I scrub the crap you inherited it last laughs mine and that is why nobody beats Jesse twice team Jesse undefeated this has been your announcer kill Jesse in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take red line presents a lecture from the only academic with a switchblade in his briefcase the Brooklyn professor I roast me first I'm a four colors expert who can't read a room or a receipt professor school me class is in session today's case study a 50-year-old man who built an entire personality test and still failed the most basic assessment being chosen observe the subjects formula he cracked the code on human connection and the prize statistically was three dogs and a sleep schedule we call this in the literature winning the wrong game perfectly oh professor that's my life's work correct and your life's work has a peer review it's one star the reviewer is your ex all nine of them co-signed final thesis you didn't hit rock bottom you sublet it you furnished it and you put your name on the lease in case it appreciated that gentleman is commitment to the wrong address the professor is undefeated and the syllabus is just Jesse's mistakes in chronological order class dismissed the Brooklyn professor everybody tenure and roasting doctorate in my disappointment laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take tonight father's day versus no father's day and i'm the undefeated champ of no father's day 12 years i haven't had one and before that my dad celebrated father's day the same way he celebrated every other day at a bar with his friends getting drunk so for me father's day was just a sunday i learned not to wait by the window people with dads come at me pops older than your house filthier than your group chat grandpa's got no breaks pops Jesse no father's day even on the calendar your old man couldn't show up pops you got kids who send you a card a tie and a phone call they dread i got a dad who when he was home was just resting up before the next bar father's day at my house was a missing persons report with a barbecue honey i got four kids and three of them forget father's day even exists so trust me it's overrated yours just skipped straight to the disappointment in my family father's day is 40 people and one dad who falls asleep before the gifts Jesse your dad fell asleep before the whole childhood he's not a real doctor but neither was the guy who did your tattoos the roast physician is in dock burn Jesse your dad was at the bar so often his stool got a father's day card and here's the truth folks father's day used to be the loneliest day of the year for me because it reminded me of a man who was there in body and gone in every other way but you know what i became the kind of man who shows up not for a dad who couldn't but for three dogs a room full of comics and every kid out there who spent father's day waiting by a window the windows closed now i built a door the hero gets the last laugh happy father's day to the ones who stayed this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}