{"file": "audio/vault/273_codexset_rideshare_confessions.mp3", "duration_sec": 174.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.8, "text": "He drove strangers through the night for 11 years and lived to tell about it."}, {"start": 3.8, "end": 14.6, "text": "Please welcome the man with five stars and zero savings, Jesse."}, {"start": 14.6, "end": 19.2, "text": "I drove ride-chair for 11 years. That's not a side hustle, that's a sentence."}, {"start": 19.2, "end": 28.32, "text": "I didn't get parole, I got a one-star review."}, {"start": 28.32, "end": 32.12, "text": "11 years of strangers in my back seat telling me their dreams."}, {"start": 32.12, "end": 43.05, "text": "I'm basically a therapist, except they pay the app and I get the trauma for free."}, {"start": 43.05, "end": 45.45, "text": "You learn things driving at 2 a.m."}, {"start": 45.45, "end": 54.94, "text": "Mostly that everybody's almost home emotionally and nobody's almost home geographically."}, {"start": 54.94, "end": 58.34, "text": "Surge pricing is the closest I ever came to feeling wanted."}, {"start": 58.34, "end": 73.42, "text": "The app goes, demand is high in your area and for one second a notification believed in me more than any woman ever did."}, {"start": 73.42, "end": 76.42, "text": "I've had a guy proposed to his girlfriend in my back seat."}, {"start": 76.42, "end": 80.82, "text": "I've also had that same guy request to ride alone crying three weeks later."}, {"start": 80.82, "end": 85.62, "text": "Same car, same playlist. I am the circle of life with a phone mount."}, {"start": 86.62, "end": 94.94, "text": "People throw up in your car and leave a tip like that covers it."}, {"start": 94.94, "end": 97.14, "text": "40 cents and a sorry bro."}, {"start": 97.14, "end": 100.14, "text": "Sir, that's not a tip, that's a ransom note."}, {"start": 107.57, "end": 109.77, "text": "Five-star driver, 11 years."}, {"start": 109.77, "end": 112.77, "text": "You know what five stars and 11 years buys you?"}, {"start": 112.77, "end": 117.37, "text": "A bad back and a deep personal relationship with a gas station bathroom."}, {"start": 117.37, "end": 126.42, "text": "I finally quit. You know how I quit 11 years?"}, {"start": 126.42, "end": 129.22, "text": "I deleted the app at a red light. That's it."}, {"start": 129.22, "end": 134.02, "text": "No party, no pension. Just a man at a red light choosing himself for the first time."}, {"start": 134.02, "end": 145.14, "text": "The light turned green and I didn't move somebody honked and that was my retirement ceremony."}, {"start": 145.14, "end": 149.94, "text": "But I'll say this for those 11 years, I met the whole city one stranger at a time"}, {"start": 149.94, "end": 155.34, "text": "and every single one of them tipped less than the ride was worth and more than I expected from people."}, {"start": 155.34, "end": 164.65, "text": "That's not a job. That's America with a check engine light."}, {"start": 164.65, "end": 168.65, "text": "Your driver is ending the trip. Please rate your existence five stars."}, {"start": 168.65, "end": 170.65, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nHe drove strangers through the night for 11 years and lived to tell about it. Please welcome the man with five stars and zero savings, Jesse. I drove ride-chair for 11 years. That's not a side hustle, that's a sentence. I didn't get parole, I got a one-star review. 11 years of strangers in my back seat telling me their dreams. I'm basically a therapist, except they pay the app and I get the trauma for free. You learn things driving at 2 a.m. Mostly that everybody's almost home emotionally and nobody's almost home geographically. Surge pricing is the closest I ever came to feeling wanted. The app goes, demand is high in your area and for one second a notification believed in me more than any woman ever did. I've had a guy proposed to his girlfriend in my back seat. I've also had that same guy request to ride alone crying three weeks later. Same car, same playlist. I am the circle of life with a phone mount. People throw up in your car and leave a tip like that covers it. 40 cents and a sorry bro. Sir, that's not a tip, that's a ransom note. Five-star driver, 11 years. You know what five stars and 11 years buys you? A bad back and a deep personal relationship with a gas station bathroom. I finally quit. You know how I quit 11 years? I deleted the app at a red light. That's it. No party, no pension. Just a man at a red light choosing himself for the first time. The light turned green and I didn't move somebody honked and that was my retirement ceremony. But I'll say this for those 11 years, I met the whole city one stranger at a time and every single one of them tipped less than the ride was worth and more than I expected from people. That's not a job. That's America with a check engine light. Your driver is ending the trip. Please rate your existence five stars. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}