{"file": "audio/vault/271_codexset_cleaning_crew_chronicles.mp3", "duration_sec": 170.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 1.96, "text": "He cleans the messes you're ashamed of,"}, {"start": 1.96, "end": 4.0, "text": "and then goes home to his own."}, {"start": 4.0, "end": 13.3, "text": "The toilet whisperer himself, Jesse."}, {"start": 13.3, "end": 15.14, "text": "I clean houses for a living."}, {"start": 15.14, "end": 18.14, "text": "So all day I make other people's lives spotless."}, {"start": 18.14, "end": 19.82, "text": "Then I drive home to an apartment"}, {"start": 19.82, "end": 29.24, "text": "that should be condemned by the city and my own mother."}, {"start": 29.24, "end": 30.84, "text": "I scrub toilets for money."}, {"start": 30.84, "end": 32.72, "text": "People go, isn't that gross?"}, {"start": 32.72, "end": 35.2, "text": "Brother, the toilet is the honest part of the house."}, {"start": 35.2, "end": 43.31, "text": "It's the fridge that'll scare you."}, {"start": 43.31, "end": 46.79, "text": "I found a stove so dirty I could carbon date the grease."}, {"start": 46.79, "end": 47.83, "text": "That wasn't a kitchen."}, {"start": 47.83, "end": 49.71, "text": "That was an archeological dig."}, {"start": 49.71, "end": 50.55, "text": "I didn't clean it."}, {"start": 50.55, "end": 60.07, "text": "I should have called a museum."}, {"start": 60.07, "end": 61.83, "text": "Today I cleaned a cat house."}, {"start": 61.83, "end": 63.23, "text": "I have three dogs."}, {"start": 63.23, "end": 65.95, "text": "So I show up covered in dog hair to fight cat hair."}, {"start": 65.95, "end": 68.79, "text": "And now both species think I'm a double agent."}, {"start": 68.79, "end": 69.67, "text": "I'm not a cleaner."}, {"start": 69.67, "end": 79.23, "text": "I'm a first smuggler running guns between two nations."}, {"start": 79.23, "end": 81.95, "text": "My lint roller has more mileage than my Tesla"}, {"start": 81.95, "end": 87.22, "text": "and a better attitude."}, {"start": 87.22, "end": 89.06, "text": "Five stars on every review."}, {"start": 89.06, "end": 91.1, "text": "You know who gives me zero stars."}, {"start": 91.1, "end": 93.7, "text": "The one woman who ever saw a Y apartment."}, {"start": 93.7, "end": 103.8, "text": "She left a review with her feet walking out the door."}, {"start": 103.8, "end": 105.92, "text": "Rich people's houses are wild."}, {"start": 105.92, "end": 108.88, "text": "They've got a room they don't use for guests they don't have"}, {"start": 108.88, "end": 111.16, "text": "that I clean for money I'll never have."}, {"start": 111.16, "end": 112.92, "text": "It's a beautiful little ecosystem"}, {"start": 112.92, "end": 121.25, "text": "and I'm the part that vacuums."}, {"start": 121.25, "end": 123.37, "text": "People say, follow your passion."}, {"start": 123.37, "end": 125.61, "text": "My passion was leaving a state job."}, {"start": 125.61, "end": 127.73, "text": "My talent apparently is grout."}, {"start": 127.73, "end": 129.57, "text": "Thank goodness somebody's got to do it"}, {"start": 129.57, "end": 131.89, "text": "because it's clearly me forever on my knees"}, {"start": 131.89, "end": 134.13, "text": "with a brush and a podcast about success."}, {"start": 134.13, "end": 142.0, "text": "I'll never hear the end of."}, {"start": 142.0, "end": 143.48, "text": "But I take pride in it."}, {"start": 143.48, "end": 146.56, "text": "I walk into chaos and I leave behind something clean,"}, {"start": 146.56, "end": 149.8, "text": "which is more than I can say for most of my relationships."}, {"start": 149.8, "end": 152.64, "text": "Toilets across this city sparkle because of me."}, {"start": 152.64, "end": 153.96, "text": "That's not sad."}, {"start": 153.96, "end": 162.45, "text": "That's a man who finally found something he can fix."}, {"start": 162.45, "end": 163.13, "text": "He came."}, {"start": 163.13, "end": 164.13, "text": "He saw he sanitized."}, {"start": 164.13, "end": 165.13, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nHe cleans the messes you're ashamed of, and then goes home to his own. The toilet whisperer himself, Jesse. I clean houses for a living. So all day I make other people's lives spotless. Then I drive home to an apartment that should be condemned by the city and my own mother. I scrub toilets for money. People go, isn't that gross? Brother, the toilet is the honest part of the house. It's the fridge that'll scare you. I found a stove so dirty I could carbon date the grease. That wasn't a kitchen. That was an archeological dig. I didn't clean it. I should have called a museum. Today I cleaned a cat house. I have three dogs. So I show up covered in dog hair to fight cat hair. And now both species think I'm a double agent. I'm not a cleaner. I'm a first smuggler running guns between two nations. My lint roller has more mileage than my Tesla and a better attitude. Five stars on every review. You know who gives me zero stars. The one woman who ever saw a Y apartment. She left a review with her feet walking out the door. Rich people's houses are wild. They've got a room they don't use for guests they don't have that I clean for money I'll never have. It's a beautiful little ecosystem and I'm the part that vacuums. People say, follow your passion. My passion was leaving a state job. My talent apparently is grout. Thank goodness somebody's got to do it because it's clearly me forever on my knees with a brush and a podcast about success. I'll never hear the end of. But I take pride in it. I walk into chaos and I leave behind something clean, which is more than I can say for most of my relationships. Toilets across this city sparkle because of me. That's not sad. That's a man who finally found something he can fix. He came. He saw he sanitized. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}