{"file": "audio/vault/270_benchwarmers_tgif.mp3", "duration_sec": 173.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 1.72, "text": "It's Friday night at the red line."}, {"start": 1.72, "end": 4.68, "text": "Open Mike, full bench, no scouts, no paychecks."}, {"start": 4.68, "end": 7.12, "text": "Please welcome a man who's spiritually 17th"}, {"start": 7.12, "end": 16.38, "text": "on every sign-up sheet, Jesse."}, {"start": 16.38, "end": 19.7, "text": "I love Friday open mics because everybody walks in like"}, {"start": 19.7, "end": 21.22, "text": "tonight's the night."}, {"start": 21.22, "end": 22.74, "text": "Then the sign-up sheet comes out"}, {"start": 22.74, "end": 31.95, "text": "and we all find out we're spiritually 17th."}, {"start": 31.95, "end": 33.95, "text": "Open Mike comics are the only athletes"}, {"start": 33.95, "end": 35.27, "text": "we're being on the bench."}, {"start": 35.27, "end": 43.58, "text": "Means you're still somehow sweaty."}, {"start": 43.58, "end": 46.06, "text": "We're not headliners, we're comedy bench whomers."}, {"start": 46.06, "end": 52.38, "text": "We don't get stage time, we get stay loose."}, {"start": 52.38, "end": 54.9, "text": "You ever sit through 14 comics before you"}, {"start": 54.9, "end": 57.02, "text": "and start laughing too hard at bad jokes"}, {"start": 57.02, "end": 60.14, "text": "because your body is negotiating for stage time."}, {"start": 60.14, "end": 63.22, "text": "Like, maybe if I support the ecosystem,"}, {"start": 63.22, "end": 72.02, "text": "it moves me up the list."}, {"start": 72.02, "end": 74.22, "text": "TGIF hits different when you're broke."}, {"start": 74.22, "end": 75.26, "text": "Other people say,"}, {"start": 75.26, "end": 76.74, "text": "it's Friday."}, {"start": 76.74, "end": 77.74, "text": "I say,"}, {"start": 77.74, "end": 80.1, "text": "I can explain these pants as laundry day."}, {"start": 80.1, "end": 89.52, "text": "Friday night is when couples go out."}, {"start": 89.52, "end": 92.72, "text": "Friends get drinks and comics gather in a coffee shop"}, {"start": 92.72, "end": 103.26, "text": "basement to turn childhood damage into a raffle system."}, {"start": 103.26, "end": 104.58, "text": "The host always says,"}, {"start": 104.58, "end": 105.78, "text": "keep it tight."}, {"start": 105.78, "end": 108.3, "text": "Brother, I have three minutes and unresolved issues"}, {"start": 108.3, "end": 109.86, "text": "from 1998."}, {"start": 109.86, "end": 117.8, "text": "This is the tight version."}, {"start": 117.8, "end": 120.92, "text": "Open Mike crowds are supportive but in a hostage way."}, {"start": 120.92, "end": 122.48, "text": "Everybody's clapping like,"}, {"start": 122.48, "end": 132.21, "text": "please end strong so I can still believe in my own dreams."}, {"start": 132.21, "end": 134.41, "text": "Being a bench whomers comic is humbling,"}, {"start": 134.41, "end": 136.01, "text": "you don't bomb under pressure."}, {"start": 136.01, "end": 137.81, "text": "You bomb after waiting two hours,"}, {"start": 137.81, "end": 148.56, "text": "eating fries and convincing yourself the room changed."}, {"start": 148.56, "end": 149.8, "text": "But I respect us."}, {"start": 149.8, "end": 151.44, "text": "Friday night full bench."}, {"start": 151.44, "end": 153.6, "text": "No scouts, no jerseys, no paycheck."}, {"start": 153.6, "end": 154.88, "text": "Just grown adults saying,"}, {"start": 154.88, "end": 155.72, "text": "put me in coach,"}, {"start": 155.72, "end": 158.84, "text": "I've got one joke about anxiety in a parking ticket."}, {"start": 158.84, "end": 159.88, "text": "That's not sad."}, {"start": 159.88, "end": 166.64, "text": "That's America."}, {"start": 166.64, "end": 167.6, "text": "That's the set."}, {"start": 167.6, "end": 169.08, "text": "Benchwarmers stay loose."}, {"start": 169.08, "end": 170.4, "text": "Your three minutes are coming."}, {"start": 170.4, "end": 172.24, "text": "This has been Red Line Open Mike."}, {"start": 172.24, "end": 173.24, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIt's Friday night at the red line. Open Mike, full bench, no scouts, no paychecks. Please welcome a man who's spiritually 17th on every sign-up sheet, Jesse. I love Friday open mics because everybody walks in like tonight's the night. Then the sign-up sheet comes out and we all find out we're spiritually 17th. Open Mike comics are the only athletes we're being on the bench. Means you're still somehow sweaty. We're not headliners, we're comedy bench whomers. We don't get stage time, we get stay loose. You ever sit through 14 comics before you and start laughing too hard at bad jokes because your body is negotiating for stage time. Like, maybe if I support the ecosystem, it moves me up the list. TGIF hits different when you're broke. Other people say, it's Friday. I say, I can explain these pants as laundry day. Friday night is when couples go out. Friends get drinks and comics gather in a coffee shop basement to turn childhood damage into a raffle system. The host always says, keep it tight. Brother, I have three minutes and unresolved issues from 1998. This is the tight version. Open Mike crowds are supportive but in a hostage way. Everybody's clapping like, please end strong so I can still believe in my own dreams. Being a bench whomers comic is humbling, you don't bomb under pressure. You bomb after waiting two hours, eating fries and convincing yourself the room changed. But I respect us. Friday night full bench. No scouts, no jerseys, no paycheck. Just grown adults saying, put me in coach, I've got one joke about anxiety in a parking ticket. That's not sad. That's America. That's the set. Benchwarmers stay loose. Your three minutes are coming. This has been Red Line Open Mike. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}