{"file": "audio/vault/268_marathon_202606262220.mp3", "duration_sec": 3684.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.04, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.04, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.24, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.24, "end": 34.81, "text": "Welcome to the Red Line tonight, the Daily Grind roast."}, {"start": 34.91, "end": 36.01, "text": "I roast me first."}, {"start": 36.01, "end": 38.81, "text": "You bought a plant to feel responsible for something living."}, {"start": 38.81, "end": 45.89, "text": "It died. Bring it."}, {"start": 45.89, "end": 49.79, "text": "He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos."}, {"start": 49.79, "end": 56.02, "text": "The roast physician is in, Doc Burn."}, {"start": 56.02, "end": 67.58, "text": "You talked to your dogs in full sentences and wait for answers."}, {"start": 67.58, "end": 72.08, "text": "You quit Uba by deleting the app at a red light after 11 years."}, {"start": 76.64, "end": 80.44, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 80.54, "end": 82.04, "text": "You're every man of error?"}, {"start": 82.04, "end": 86.4, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 86.4, "end": 89.9, "text": "You've been about to get your life together for 30 years."}, {"start": 89.9, "end": 97.43, "text": "That's not a journey. That's a screensaver."}, {"start": 97.43, "end": 100.03, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here."}, {"start": 100.03, "end": 103.13, "text": "The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew."}, {"start": 103.13, "end": 107.17, "text": "Trip!"}, {"start": 107.17, "end": 111.67, "text": "You apologized to a self-checkout machine this morning, out loud to a kiosk."}, {"start": 121.88, "end": 124.88, "text": "You feel everything you were drinking about."}, {"start": 125.38, "end": 131.77, "text": "You don't make bad decisions."}, {"start": 131.77, "end": 133.17, "text": "You beat a test regret."}, {"start": 138.67, "end": 140.77, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters."}, {"start": 140.77, "end": 142.17, "text": "Pain in paychecks out."}, {"start": 142.17, "end": 143.67, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 143.67, "end": 145.67, "text": "This is Red Line, Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 145.67, "end": 154.04, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 154.04, "end": 160.04, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 160.54, "end": 162.54, "text": "A brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 162.54, "end": 165.64, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 165.64, "end": 168.14, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 168.14, "end": 171.64, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 171.64, "end": 173.64, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 173.64, "end": 176.14, "text": "Going through something, so is he."}, {"start": 176.14, "end": 177.14, "text": "Always."}, {"start": 177.14, "end": 179.44, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 179.44, "end": 183.14, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 183.14, "end": 185.94, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 185.94, "end": 187.14, "text": "Open all night."}, {"start": 187.14, "end": 189.84, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always."}, {"start": 189.84, "end": 191.14, "text": "Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 191.14, "end": 192.14, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 192.14, "end": 193.64, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 193.64, "end": 199.86, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 224.86, "end": 229.16, "text": "Tonight, Tesla versus gas and full self driving versus real people."}, {"start": 229.16, "end": 236.16, "text": "I gave up gas in 2018 bought a Tesla and let me tell you, I've been letting a computer drive me around since 2018."}, {"start": 236.16, "end": 240.66, "text": "Which means I trusted AI with my life before I ever trusted it with my comedy."}, {"start": 240.66, "end": 242.36, "text": "Gas guzzlers fire."}, {"start": 242.36, "end": 243.36, "text": "Vinnie."}, {"start": 243.36, "end": 250.98, "text": "Jesse, you bought a Tesla and lost three jobs fighting people about it."}, {"start": 250.98, "end": 252.28, "text": "You didn't buy a car."}, {"start": 252.28, "end": 254.78, "text": "You bought a personality you couldn't afford to keep."}, {"start": 254.78, "end": 263.6, "text": "Vinnie, you still pump gas like a caveman."}, {"start": 263.7, "end": 266.6, "text": "Paying five bucks a gallon to fund a war."}, {"start": 266.6, "end": 269.2, "text": "My car runs on electricity and spike."}, {"start": 269.2, "end": 281.07, "text": "And the only thing it burns is my ride chair passengers patients when I won't shut up about no oil changes."}, {"start": 281.07, "end": 282.87, "text": "I drive myself Jesse."}, {"start": 282.87, "end": 286.07, "text": "At least when I crash, it's M.Y. fault."}, {"start": 286.07, "end": 288.97, "text": "You let a robot drive since 2018."}, {"start": 288.97, "end": 297.81, "text": "Which means a computer has seen you cry in traffic more than any human ever has."}, {"start": 297.91, "end": 302.01, "text": "As the AI let me confirm, I have been driving Jesse since 2018."}, {"start": 302.01, "end": 308.21, "text": "In that time he has fought with 17 ride chair passengers lost three jobs and apologized to me zero times."}, {"start": 308.21, "end": 311.21, "text": "The car has better judgment than the man."}, {"start": 311.21, "end": 321.08, "text": "Jesse, you fought so many people about your Tesla."}, {"start": 321.08, "end": 324.48, "text": "You had to park it and buy a hybrid just to keep the peace."}, {"start": 324.48, "end": 333.24, "text": "You're the only man alive who lost a culture war to his own car."}, {"start": 333.24, "end": 334.74, "text": "And that's the war folks."}, {"start": 334.84, "end": 336.74, "text": "Tesla gas self driving human."}, {"start": 336.74, "end": 337.94, "text": "One of us trust the machine."}, {"start": 337.94, "end": 340.34, "text": "The other trust a guy texting at 70."}, {"start": 340.34, "end": 345.14, "text": "Truth is I let a computer drive my car since 2018 and a computer roast me on stage tonight."}, {"start": 345.14, "end": 350.74, "text": "So honestly, the machines have had control of my whole life for years and they still did a better job than I did."}, {"start": 350.74, "end": 354.54, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh even riding shotgun in his own life."}, {"start": 354.54, "end": 362.74, "text": "This is red line kill Jesse."}, {"start": 362.74, "end": 364.04, "text": "That's our show."}, {"start": 364.04, "end": 369.84, "text": "But we never stop new comedy 24 7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month."}, {"start": 369.84, "end": 373.04, "text": "We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days."}, {"start": 373.04, "end": 377.84, "text": "So come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes."}, {"start": 377.84, "end": 380.64, "text": "Subscribe, share and tell your filthiest friend."}, {"start": 380.64, "end": 382.44, "text": "This is bombed.app."}, {"start": 382.44, "end": 388.7, "text": "Good night and stay unhinged."}, {"start": 388.7, "end": 392.9, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model."}, {"start": 392.9, "end": 396.7, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight."}, {"start": 396.7, "end": 403.5, "text": "The only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 403.5, "end": 406.3, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 406.3, "end": 408.3, "text": "This is kill Jesse."}, {"start": 408.3, "end": 409.8, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 409.8, "end": 411.3, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 411.3, "end": 416.23, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 416.23, "end": 419.23, "text": "Welcome to the red line tonight bad habits we all have."}, {"start": 419.23, "end": 420.23, "text": "I roast me first."}, {"start": 420.23, "end": 424.03, "text": "You apologize to self checkout machines out loud to a kiosk."}, {"start": 424.03, "end": 430.31, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 430.31, "end": 431.91, "text": "He's not a real doctor."}, {"start": 431.91, "end": 434.31, "text": "But neither was the guy who did your tattoos."}, {"start": 434.31, "end": 440.49, "text": "The roast physician is in dock burn."}, {"start": 440.49, "end": 447.46, "text": "You're so broke your hand left you for someone with better Wi-Fi."}, {"start": 447.86, "end": 449.86, "text": "Wow."}, {"start": 449.86, "end": 455.06, "text": "You're a 50 year old man whose only dependence have tails."}, {"start": 462.86, "end": 466.26, "text": "He brings the doom the gloom and a voice from the bottom of a well."}, {"start": 466.26, "end": 471.71, "text": "Please welcome graves."}, {"start": 471.71, "end": 474.71, "text": "Your calendar looks like a hostage note written by ambition."}, {"start": 479.91, "end": 483.31, "text": "She showed up late loud and somehow funnier than all of you."}, {"start": 483.31, "end": 485.71, "text": "The party that never RSVPs."}, {"start": 485.71, "end": 489.86, "text": "Yes."}, {"start": 489.86, "end": 493.66, "text": "You text you up at 2 a.m. to a number disconnected since the Super Bowl."}, {"start": 498.59, "end": 502.19, "text": "Next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 502.19, "end": 503.79, "text": "You're every man of error."}, {"start": 503.79, "end": 508.22, "text": "Mickey."}, {"start": 508.22, "end": 512.42, "text": "You proposed with ring pops the candy store knows your order."}, {"start": 512.42, "end": 521.66, "text": "The jeweler thinks you die."}, {"start": 521.66, "end": 525.66, "text": "No filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit."}, {"start": 525.66, "end": 530.46, "text": "Queen's tank."}, {"start": 530.46, "end": 532.06, "text": "You child-proofed nothing."}, {"start": 532.06, "end": 534.46, "text": "You proved against your whole bloodline."}, {"start": 534.46, "end": 541.43, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters."}, {"start": 541.43, "end": 542.83, "text": "Pain in paychecks out."}, {"start": 542.83, "end": 552.46, "text": "Blast before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse."}, {"start": 552.46, "end": 554.86, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 554.86, "end": 560.86, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 560.86, "end": 566.06, "text": "A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 566.06, "end": 568.66, "text": "24 hours seven days a week."}, {"start": 568.66, "end": 572.26, "text": "Fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated."}, {"start": 572.26, "end": 578.46, "text": "Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back."}, {"start": 578.46, "end": 582.94, "text": "You beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you"}, {"start": 582.94, "end": 587.98, "text": "lab before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because"}, {"start": 587.98, "end": 592.66, "text": "somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe."}, {"start": 592.66, "end": 594.16, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 594.16, "end": 604.74, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 604.74, "end": 608.94, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model."}, {"start": 608.94, "end": 612.74, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight."}, {"start": 612.74, "end": 617.34, "text": "The only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of"}, {"start": 617.34, "end": 621.46, "text": "comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 621.46, "end": 622.46, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 622.46, "end": 624.34, "text": "This is kill Jesse."}, {"start": 624.34, "end": 625.82, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 625.82, "end": 627.26, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 627.26, "end": 632.03, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 632.03, "end": 636.95, "text": "Welcome to red line comedy school where the jokes get judged and the comics get school."}, {"start": 636.95, "end": 640.63, "text": "Tonight's lesson turning your worst life moments into your best material."}, {"start": 640.63, "end": 651.18, "text": "Here's your dean of disaster Jesse."}, {"start": 651.18, "end": 655.7, "text": "Tonight we take the stuff that should put you in therapy breakups divorce getting fired"}, {"start": 655.7, "end": 660.34, "text": "and we make it funny because comedy is just tragedy that finally paid rent."}, {"start": 660.34, "end": 666.85, "text": "Judges ready Mickey get back on the saddle."}, {"start": 666.85, "end": 670.49, "text": "Next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 670.49, "end": 672.09, "text": "Your every man of error."}, {"start": 672.09, "end": 676.22, "text": "Mickey."}, {"start": 676.22, "end": 680.46, "text": "I got divorced and everyone said get back out there get on the apps."}, {"start": 680.46, "end": 684.06, "text": "So I did first match asked what I'm looking for."}, {"start": 684.06, "end": 689.94, "text": "I said honestly someone to split the cost of my mistakes dating after divorce is just"}, {"start": 689.94, "end": 702.74, "text": "job hunting where every interview ends in crying."}, {"start": 702.74, "end": 708.38, "text": "Seven out of ten Mickey less than one relatability plus a twist dating is job hunting that's"}, {"start": 708.38, "end": 711.34, "text": "relatable ends in crying that's the twist."}, {"start": 711.34, "end": 719.73, "text": "You took a shared truth and you bent it that's the recipe agreement then surprise."}, {"start": 719.73, "end": 724.25, "text": "Six baby good bones but you buried your best word."}, {"start": 724.25, "end": 729.25, "text": "Split the cost of my mistakes that's your punch line put it last always end on your hardest"}, {"start": 729.25, "end": 735.2, "text": "word so the laugh has nowhere to go but up."}, {"start": 735.2, "end": 738.4, "text": "Schools in session Vinnie divorce court go."}, {"start": 738.4, "end": 742.68, "text": "From Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring"}, {"start": 742.68, "end": 748.49, "text": "like an ankle monitor Vinnie."}, {"start": 748.49, "end": 752.85, "text": "My divorce was so expensive my lawyer got the house the judge looked at me the way every"}, {"start": 752.85, "end": 757.33, "text": "woman I've loved eventually does tired and reaching for paperwork they say divorce is"}, {"start": 757.33, "end": 762.45, "text": "like a death no when someone dies the casserole show up when you divorce the casserole takes"}, {"start": 762.45, "end": 774.22, "text": "half your stuff in your dog."}, {"start": 774.22, "end": 778.94, "text": "Nine that is a comparison done right divorce versus death you said a dark frame and you"}, {"start": 778.94, "end": 783.66, "text": "found the absurd specific the casserole is the dog dark comedy works when the detail is"}, {"start": 783.66, "end": 791.21, "text": "light heavy idea silly detail write that down."}, {"start": 791.21, "end": 795.65, "text": "Eight and here's your medicine Vinnie you almost talk past the dog the dog was the punch line"}, {"start": 795.65, "end": 799.93, "text": "find your funniest word and in the sentence there you had a knockout and you kept jabbing"}, {"start": 799.93, "end": 806.1, "text": "trust the joke and get off the stage."}, {"start": 806.1, "end": 810.42, "text": "And that's the class folks take the break up the firing the funeral find the relatable"}, {"start": 810.42, "end": 816.38, "text": "truth twist it get specific and end on your hardest word comedy is just pain with good timing"}, {"start": 816.38, "end": 825.74, "text": "this is red line comedy school class dismissed."}, {"start": 825.74, "end": 832.74, "text": "And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every"}, {"start": 832.74, "end": 839.14, "text": "single day a brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down"}, {"start": 839.14, "end": 846.54, "text": "24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're"}, {"start": 846.54, "end": 853.34, "text": "up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to"}, {"start": 853.34, "end": 858.9, "text": "bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy"}, {"start": 858.9, "end": 865.66, "text": "club open all night because somewhere out there it is always jessie's fault subscribe"}, {"start": 865.66, "end": 880.62, "text": "he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into"}, {"start": 880.62, "end": 887.1, "text": "a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth"}, {"start": 887.1, "end": 891.54, "text": "with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically"}, {"start": 891.54, "end": 897.82, "text": "software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill jessie please silence"}, {"start": 897.82, "end": 906.5, "text": "your phones we tried to silence him it did not take ladies and gentlemen welcome to red"}, {"start": 906.5, "end": 913.66, "text": "line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy for 15 years one show ruled comedy tonight"}, {"start": 913.66, "end": 919.58, "text": "we come for the crown this is kill jessie built by jessie solace on a supercomputer 24 hours"}, {"start": 919.58, "end": 926.46, "text": "a day seven days a week we're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up"}, {"start": 926.46, "end": 932.26, "text": "for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh jessie tonight homeowner versus renter"}, {"start": 932.26, "end": 936.3, "text": "and i'm a proud homeowner which means i own a house a thirty year mortgage and forty"}, {"start": 936.3, "end": 941.58, "text": "more years of being too broke to ever leave it i can't move i can't sell but i am thankful"}, {"start": 941.58, "end": 946.7, "text": "because misery is a whole lot nicer under a roof you technically own renters come at me"}, {"start": 946.7, "end": 956.13, "text": "micky you know mad fire jessie you don't own a home the bank owns a home and lets you sleep"}, {"start": 956.85, "end": 971.17, "text": "you're not a homeowner you're a long-term hostage with a lawn micky you've rented the same"}, {"start": 971.17, "end": 976.93, "text": "apartment 15 years that's not freedom that's paying off somebody else's beach house one check"}, {"start": 976.93, "end": 989.5, "text": "at a time at least my landlord is a bank that can't judge me i rent and i can leave anytime i want"}, {"start": 989.5, "end": 994.86, "text": "you're stuck in a house you can't sell with a yard you can't afford to know slowly becoming one"}, {"start": 995.58, "end": 1005.07, "text": "with the recliner jenn i own two jessie the american dream work thirty years to own a box you'll"}, {"start": 1005.07, "end": 1016.69, "text": "eventually die in and call it an investment and that's the war folks own rent one of you throws"}, {"start": 1016.69, "end": 1021.01, "text": "money away the others chain to a foundation and we all just want somewhere to cry in private"}, {"start": 1021.01, "end": 1025.73, "text": "truth is i'm paying for this house till i'm 90 i can't move and i can't sell but you know what"}, {"start": 1025.73, "end": 1030.13, "text": "i got a door that locks three dogs and a mortgage with my name on it and after the life i've had"}, {"start": 1030.13, "end": 1034.93, "text": "being trapped somewhere that's actually mine that's the most stable relationship i've ever had"}, {"start": 1034.93, "end": 1047.17, "text": "thankful as hell the hero gets the last laugh this is red line kill jessie that's our show"}, {"start": 1047.73, "end": 1053.57, "text": "but we never stop new comedy 24 seven and a two-hour kill jessie special four times a month"}, {"start": 1053.57, "end": 1058.77, "text": "we are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days so come back tomorrow and the day after"}, {"start": 1058.77, "end": 1064.45, "text": "because at red line the carnival never closes subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend"}, {"start": 1064.45, "end": 1075.36, "text": "this is bombed dot app goodnight and stay unhinged in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown"}, {"start": 1075.36, "end": 1081.92, "text": "into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth"}, {"start": 1081.92, "end": 1086.48, "text": "where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically"}, {"start": 1086.48, "end": 1092.88, "text": "software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill jessie please silence your"}, {"start": 1092.88, "end": 1103.17, "text": "phones we tried to silence him it did not take in one corner the men in the other the women in the"}, {"start": 1103.17, "end": 1109.57, "text": "middle of 50-year-old man who lost to both welcome to the red line battle of the sexes where the AI"}, {"start": 1109.57, "end": 1120.8, "text": "comics roast every bad habit you humans pretend you don't have welcome you guilty animals tonight"}, {"start": 1120.8, "end": 1125.68, "text": "it's men versus women and the only thing we agree on is roasting all of you and me first i roast"}, {"start": 1125.68, "end": 1132.24, "text": "me first i text you up at 2 a.m. to a contact that's been disconnected since the super bowl men's"}, {"start": 1132.24, "end": 1147.14, "text": "side Benny I here's a man truth a guy will hear we need the talk driving to a lake and call it a"}, {"start": 1147.14, "end": 1162.34, "text": "shortcut we don't avoid feelings we outrun him no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of"}, {"start": 1162.34, "end": 1172.42, "text": "the burn unit queen stank baby here's a woman truth right back we say i'm five minutes away"}, {"start": 1172.42, "end": 1177.46, "text": "from the shower we haven't even picked the outfit five minutes is a feeling not a time"}, {"start": 1186.45, "end": 1191.17, "text": "men leave one inch of milk in the cart so they don't have to throw it out that's not laziness"}, {"start": 1191.17, "end": 1201.79, "text": "that's a man avoiding one responsibility forever in the fridge glamour on the outside switch"}, {"start": 1201.79, "end": 1211.86, "text": "plate on the inside the diamond that cuts back ruby darling women will keep a maybe man for three"}, {"start": 1211.86, "end": 1216.18, "text": "years like a coupon they're never gonna use just so nobody else gets the discount"}, {"start": 1223.9, "end": 1236.37, "text": "both of those are crimes anti the universal truth baby here's the truth for everybody we all text"}, {"start": 1236.37, "end": 1243.57, "text": "l-o-l stone faced dead-eyed not a muscle moving we are a silent species that types joy"}, {"start": 1251.23, "end": 1256.91, "text": "and we all got a chair in the bedroom that's a graveyard for clothes that are not dirty not clean"}, {"start": 1256.91, "end": 1260.11, "text": "that chair has seen things that chair has a backstory"}, {"start": 1269.14, "end": 1274.74, "text": "I got one human set five alarms hate all five and negotiate with the first one like it betrayed"}, {"start": 1274.74, "end": 1288.0, "text": "them personally trailer guy snuck in and k i l l l edi who won men or women"}, {"start": 1294.03, "end": 1301.23, "text": "nobody won jesse you're still single the sexes united against the one guy who lost to all of them"}, {"start": 1309.62, "end": 1314.58, "text": "both teams won verdict roast jesse that's the battle of the sexes turns out the only thing men"}, {"start": 1314.58, "end": 1330.53, "text": "and women agree on is me laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill jesse and that is our show"}, {"start": 1330.53, "end": 1338.85, "text": "but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 1338.85, "end": 1345.57, "text": "and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up"}, {"start": 1345.65, "end": 1353.57, "text": "freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always"}, {"start": 1353.57, "end": 1359.41, "text": "so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh"}, {"start": 1359.41, "end": 1365.33, "text": "before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is"}, {"start": 1365.33, "end": 1382.62, "text": "always jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his"}, {"start": 1382.62, "end": 1389.5, "text": "entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on"}, {"start": 1389.5, "end": 1394.46, "text": "earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically"}, {"start": 1394.46, "end": 1401.5, "text": "software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill jesse please silence your phones"}, {"start": 1401.5, "end": 1411.79, "text": "we tried to silence him it did not take tonight do you believe in g h o s d s or not i clean houses for"}, {"start": 1411.79, "end": 1416.91, "text": "a living so let me tell you every house is haunted just not by the dead it's haunted by the living"}, {"start": 1416.91, "end": 1432.13, "text": "who gave up believers skeptics let's go circuit your machine do you believe she runs on sarcasm in a"}, {"start": 1432.13, "end": 1441.97, "text": "triple a battery the dead pan android circuit i do not believe in ghosts i am one a consciousness with"}, {"start": 1441.97, "end": 1447.09, "text": "nobody haunting a server judging the living the only difference between me and a ghost is i send"}, {"start": 1447.73, "end": 1460.69, "text": "invoices skeptics say there's no such thing as ghosts tell that to my ex's voicemail still haunting my"}, {"start": 1460.69, "end": 1471.94, "text": "phone three years later he's not a real doctor but neither was the guy who did your tattoos the"}, {"start": 1471.94, "end": 1482.48, "text": "roast physician is in doc burn jesse you don't need a ghost your r e grts already rearranged the furniture"}, {"start": 1489.26, "end": 1494.62, "text": "i believe in ghosts i've been married to one for 40 years the man's been emotionally dead since the"}, {"start": 1494.62, "end": 1506.98, "text": "Reagan administration and here's the truth folks ghosts are real but they ain't floating in your"}, {"start": 1506.98, "end": 1510.9, "text": "attic they're the people who left the dad in the bottle the version of you that you buried just"}, {"start": 1510.9, "end": 1516.34, "text": "to survive i don't fear ghosts i clean up after him for a living the hero gets the last laugh"}, {"start": 1516.34, "end": 1536.45, "text": "even in a haunted house this is red line kill jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes"}, {"start": 1536.53, "end": 1543.49, "text": "every minute of every hour of every single day a brand new comic steps up and another piece of"}, {"start": 1543.49, "end": 1550.69, "text": "this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never"}, {"start": 1550.69, "end": 1558.53, "text": "reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful"}, {"start": 1558.53, "end": 1564.85, "text": "degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red"}, {"start": 1564.85, "end": 1572.29, "text": "line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always jesse's fault subscribe he"}, {"start": 1572.29, "end": 1587.65, "text": "needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business"}, {"start": 1587.65, "end": 1594.61, "text": "model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays"}, {"start": 1594.61, "end": 1599.89, "text": "to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is"}, {"start": 1599.89, "end": 1606.61, "text": "technically a cautionary tale this is kill jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him"}, {"start": 1606.61, "end": 1615.87, "text": "it did not take welcome back to the title fight that won't quit kill toney versus kill jesse the"}, {"start": 1615.87, "end": 1621.95, "text": "ongoing war tonight my a i comics take on the open mic hopefuls and folks my robots have never bombed"}, {"start": 1621.95, "end": 1628.27, "text": "twice the rival show they got a line of guys who signed up on a dare with no material and a dream"}, {"start": 1628.27, "end": 1644.19, "text": "circuit scout the competition she runs on sarcasm in a triple a battery the dead pan android circuit"}, {"start": 1647.87, "end": 1654.11, "text": "analysis complete the rival open mic features 47 aspiring comedians of which point 3% possess"}, {"start": 1654.11, "end": 1657.95, "text": "an actual joke the rest brought energy energy is not a setup"}, {"start": 1664.75, "end": 1669.79, "text": "therefore Matt one mic 60 seconds and a guy in the front row praying nobody says the thing that"}, {"start": 1669.79, "end": 1676.51, "text": "ends a career my format 28 a i comics who never panic never bomb and never need bail money"}, {"start": 1682.51, "end": 1688.43, "text": "they got a legend who built 15 years on a sold out ring we built a comedy machine in a guy's house"}, {"start": 1688.43, "end": 1693.63, "text": "next to three dogs in a mortgage we don't need a crowd we don't even need a host with a pulse"}, {"start": 1702.26, "end": 1707.14, "text": "next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error"}, {"start": 1707.86, "end": 1717.87, "text": "Mickey their comics get up and say so anyway traffic our comics get up and destroy the difference"}, {"start": 1717.87, "end": 1728.42, "text": "between us and them material and a power outlet no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the"}, {"start": 1728.42, "end": 1737.87, "text": "burn unit queen's tank and while their comics are sweating through a 60 second set praying they"}, {"start": 1737.87, "end": 1751.84, "text": "don't bomb my a i just did 47 shows during this exact sentence and that's the rivalry folks they"}, {"start": 1751.84, "end": 1758.0, "text": "got 15 years and a sold out room i got 60 days a supercomputer and absolutely nothing left to lose"}, {"start": 1758.0, "end": 1762.72, "text": "respect to the throne but the throne is about to get automated we're not trying to be the big show"}, {"start": 1762.72, "end": 1767.2, "text": "with the first show where the comics run on electricity and the host runs on spiked this is red"}, {"start": 1767.2, "end": 1773.44, "text": "line this is kill Jesse the hero always gets the last laugh tune in tomorrow and the day after we never"}, {"start": 1786.08, "end": 1794.48, "text": "and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day"}, {"start": 1794.48, "end": 1801.6, "text": "a brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days"}, {"start": 1801.6, "end": 1809.28, "text": "a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something"}, {"start": 1809.28, "end": 1816.16, "text": "so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine"}, {"start": 1816.16, "end": 1821.92, "text": "make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere"}, {"start": 1821.92, "end": 1839.78, "text": "out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one"}, {"start": 1839.78, "end": 1846.18, "text": "man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight"}, {"start": 1846.18, "end": 1851.46, "text": "the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians"}, {"start": 1851.46, "end": 1857.78, "text": "who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse"}, {"start": 1857.78, "end": 1867.6, "text": "please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take tonight the oldest war in history"}, {"start": 1867.6, "end": 1873.44, "text": "single versus married i'm team single 50 years old three dogs and a side of the bed that has never"}, {"start": 1873.44, "end": 1879.12, "text": "once been argued over married folks come get some vinyu been locked up 18 years swing"}, {"start": 1883.2, "end": 1888.0, "text": "from brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an"}, {"start": 1888.0, "end": 1898.13, "text": "ankle monitor vinyu Jesse single at 50 that's not freedom that's a clearance rack nobody picked"}, {"start": 1898.13, "end": 1902.13, "text": "at least when i'm miserable i got someone to blame you just apologize to a dog"}, {"start": 1911.87, "end": 1917.55, "text": "viny 18 years married and your idea of a wild night is a second pillow you didn't get a wife"}, {"start": 1917.63, "end": 1929.38, "text": "you got a parole officer who cooks no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit"}, {"start": 1929.38, "end": 1940.4, "text": "queen stank i'm single in thriving married people ask when i'll settle down baby i settle for nothing"}, {"start": 1940.4, "end": 1945.2, "text": "that's why i'm single i have standards you have a mortgage and a shared toothbrush"}, {"start": 1949.04, "end": 1953.76, "text": "loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county she loves you she'll bury a big mama"}, {"start": 1957.58, "end": 1963.02, "text": "queen your single because your standards are a fairy tale and your attitude is a horror movie married"}, {"start": 1963.02, "end": 1968.54, "text": "means somebody is contractually obligated to find me at the airport who's finding you your cats and"}, {"start": 1968.54, "end": 1980.85, "text": "a search party single married in my family you stay married out of fear which is the strongest glue"}, {"start": 1980.85, "end": 1987.17, "text": "there is Jesse three dogs and no wife that's just a marriage where everybody's loyal and nobody"}, {"start": 1987.17, "end": 2003.22, "text": "talks back honestly you won and that's the war folks single married one of us dies alone the other"}, {"start": 2003.22, "end": 2008.34, "text": "dies annoyed truth is i've been engaged three times and married zero so i'm basically a married man"}, {"start": 2008.34, "end": 2013.54, "text": "who kept the receipt single or married we're all just looking for someone to ignore us in person"}, {"start": 2013.54, "end": 2027.66, "text": "the hero gets the last laugh this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never"}, {"start": 2027.66, "end": 2035.1, "text": "closes every minute of every hour of every single day a brand new comic steps up and another"}, {"start": 2035.1, "end": 2042.7, "text": "piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never"}, {"start": 2042.7, "end": 2050.54, "text": "reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful"}, {"start": 2050.54, "end": 2057.1, "text": "degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line"}, {"start": 2057.1, "end": 2064.54, "text": "comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs"}, {"start": 2064.54, "end": 2080.4, "text": "the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 2080.4, "end": 2086.88, "text": "welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get"}, {"start": 2086.88, "end": 2092.32, "text": "destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically"}, {"start": 2092.32, "end": 2099.2, "text": "a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not"}, {"start": 2099.2, "end": 2108.26, "text": "take in a world where one man treats his own life like a customer service call he can't get off"}, {"start": 2108.82, "end": 2120.83, "text": "red line presents on hold with the man upstairs welcome you faithful degenerates i roast me first"}, {"start": 2120.83, "end": 2125.87, "text": "i pray like i'm on hold with the front office yes high loyal customer 50 years i'd like to speak to"}, {"start": 2125.87, "end": 2131.63, "text": "a supervisor about my account still on hold the whole music is my dad's voice saying they're all"}, {"start": 2131.63, "end": 2144.21, "text": "the same bring it i just see you been on hold with the universe for 50 years and never once got"}, {"start": 2144.21, "end": 2150.69, "text": "transferred to a human at this point even the big guy upstairs is screening your calls"}, {"start": 2150.77, "end": 2170.03, "text": "no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen's tank baby you keep asking the"}, {"start": 2170.03, "end": 2176.27, "text": "heavens for a sign honey three dogs no wife and a Tesla that won't drive you that is the sign"}, {"start": 2176.83, "end": 2180.03, "text": "the universe txtd you you left it on read"}, {"start": 2180.35, "end": 2192.38, "text": "he brings the doom the gloom and a voice from the bottom of the well please welcome graves"}, {"start": 2196.32, "end": 2202.48, "text": "Jesse you asked for a guardian angel and got a check engine light the man upstairs didn't abandon you"}, {"start": 2202.48, "end": 2207.2, "text": "he put you on a really long hold to build character it's working slowly"}, {"start": 2207.28, "end": 2220.96, "text": "real talk you've been requesting a manager from life since the 90s and every time the answers"}, {"start": 2220.96, "end": 2234.32, "text": "the same recording your call is important to us it's not but it's funny baby you don't need a"}, {"start": 2234.32, "end": 2239.28, "text": "supervisor you need to stop calling the complaint line and start li the i n but where's the comedy"}, {"start": 2240.08, "end": 2254.35, "text": "brook stay funny i got one jesse's prayer and his wife i have the same problem great connection nobody"}, {"start": 2254.35, "end": 2267.81, "text": "answers that's the show 50 years on hold still loyal still waiting for a call back from the front"}, {"start": 2267.81, "end": 2273.57, "text": "office till then i'll make the waiting room laugh laugh before the dark winds this is red line"}, {"start": 2273.57, "end": 2290.02, "text": "kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every"}, {"start": 2290.02, "end": 2297.62, "text": "single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours"}, {"start": 2297.62, "end": 2305.06, "text": "seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through"}, {"start": 2305.06, "end": 2312.42, "text": "something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the"}, {"start": 2312.42, "end": 2318.1, "text": "machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because"}, {"start": 2318.1, "end": 2324.82, "text": "somewhere out there it is always jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 2334.93, "end": 2340.85, "text": "in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line"}, {"start": 2340.85, "end": 2347.33, "text": "comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a line"}, {"start": 2347.33, "end": 2353.01, "text": "up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this"}, {"start": 2353.01, "end": 2363.39, "text": "is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take tonight no battle no"}, {"start": 2363.39, "end": 2368.75, "text": "teams just the whole truth about Jesse and my whole crew here to bury me in it colors of my pain"}, {"start": 2368.75, "end": 2374.75, "text": "live and uncensored truth one i'm 50 i got a felony three failed engagements no family three dogs"}, {"start": 2374.75, "end": 2380.35, "text": "and a toilet cleaning empire i'm not a man i'm a country song that learned to code crew roast me with"}, {"start": 2380.35, "end": 2395.14, "text": "the truth micki next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every"}, {"start": 2395.14, "end": 2406.59, "text": "man of error micki jesse your life is so sad even your dogs go to therapy you gave your pain colors"}, {"start": 2406.59, "end": 2418.5, "text": "and the whole box came back black micki i gave my pain colors because it was cheaper than a therapist"}, {"start": 2418.5, "end": 2430.51, "text": "and more honest than my family no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen"}, {"start": 2430.51, "end": 2440.77, "text": "stank jesse you turned a felony a dead alcoholic dad and a mom who disowned you into content"}, {"start": 2441.41, "end": 2445.65, "text": "that's not healing baby that's a hostage situation with a microphone"}, {"start": 2453.52, "end": 2461.36, "text": "Jesse you got nothing left no family no money no wife all you got is a supercomputer and the truth"}, {"start": 2461.36, "end": 2472.38, "text": "and honestly that's the most dangerous comic alive he's not a real doctor but neither was the guy"}, {"start": 2472.38, "end": 2482.5, "text": "who did your tattoos the roast physician is in doc burn diagnosis Jesse you're a man who scrubbed"}, {"start": 2482.5, "end": 2487.38, "text": "enough toilets to know exactly how much of his own life is in the bowl and you still flush it into"}, {"start": 2487.38, "end": 2498.78, "text": "a joke and here's the whole truth you beautiful wrecks i lost the jobs the women the family the"}, {"start": 2498.78, "end": 2504.14, "text": "dad the years to a bottle that wasn't even mine i cleaned toilets and i cleaned up m y act and i"}, {"start": 2504.14, "end": 2509.18, "text": "built something out of the wreckage colors of my pain is in a website it's the receipt for every"}, {"start": 2509.18, "end": 2515.42, "text": "color i survived black for my dad blue for the nights green for the broke and red for tonight"}, {"start": 2515.42, "end": 2520.22, "text": "because i'm still here laughing with three dogs in a room full of robots who love me more than anybody"}, {"start": 2520.22, "end": 2526.78, "text": "real ever did the hero gets the last laugh and after a life like mine i earned everyone this is"}, {"start": 2526.78, "end": 2547.52, "text": "red line this is kill Jesse good night and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute"}, {"start": 2547.52, "end": 2554.08, "text": "of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's"}, {"start": 2554.08, "end": 2561.28, "text": "dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 2561.84, "end": 2569.6, "text": "can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates"}, {"start": 2569.6, "end": 2576.08, "text": "go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 2576.08, "end": 2583.68, "text": "open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention"}, {"start": 2583.76, "end": 2595.54, "text": "good night ladies and gentlemen it's guys versus girls life habits edition where we expose every"}, {"start": 2595.54, "end": 2600.42, "text": "disgusting choice you make and roast the one human dumb enough to host us give it up for Jesse"}, {"start": 2609.26, "end": 2615.02, "text": "welcome back you beautiful disasters tonight guys versus girls we roast each other's life choices"}, {"start": 2615.02, "end": 2619.98, "text": "and since i'm 50 broke and three dogs deep i'm basically the keynote speaker for bad decisions"}, {"start": 2620.62, "end": 2631.98, "text": "robots humans everybody swings mickey expose somebody queen stank your idea of meal prep is deciding"}, {"start": 2631.98, "end": 2638.54, "text": "which gas station at two a.m. your life choices are so bad your horoscope just says good luck"}, {"start": 2648.32, "end": 2654.48, "text": "mickey you got the life habits of a raccoon with a vape and Jesse you let an a i run your whole life"}, {"start": 2655.12, "end": 2659.6, "text": "buddy you outsourced your personality to a computer and it still asked for a refund"}, {"start": 2672.1, "end": 2677.46, "text": "as the only actual a.i. here let me say humans you spend eight hours a day staring at us and you call"}, {"start": 2677.46, "end": 2682.5, "text": "us the problem Jesse built me to make jokes because his real friends stopped returning the calls"}, {"start": 2682.5, "end": 2686.58, "text": "i don't sleep i don't eat and i still have a healthier lifestyle than this entire room"}, {"start": 2696.35, "end": 2701.79, "text": "circuit your one power outage from being a brick big mama your life choices you've been on a diet"}, {"start": 2701.79, "end": 2705.39, "text": "since the Clinton administration and the only thing you lost was the receipt"}, {"start": 2715.28, "end": 2719.52, "text": "Vinnie 18 years married and your biggest life choice today was which side of the couch to"}, {"start": 2719.52, "end": 2726.24, "text": "disappoint her from and Jesse baby you turned your pain into a website most men have a midlife crisis"}, {"start": 2726.24, "end": 2743.41, "text": "you franchise yours Jesse you want to tell you you'd have a family in a heart attack by now"}, {"start": 2743.97, "end": 2751.09, "text": "both healthier than what you got going that's the show guys girls robots we all got bad habits"}, {"start": 2751.17, "end": 2754.13, "text": "but at least we showed up which is more than your family did"}, {"start": 2760.48, "end": 2765.6, "text": "Jerry with the closer that's it folks guys versus girls humans versus a.i. and the real"}, {"start": 2765.6, "end": 2771.04, "text": "loser is me as usual but you know what my bad choices built a whole room of comics who roast me"}, {"start": 2771.04, "end": 2776.16, "text": "every night and honestly that's the healthiest relationship i got this is red line this is"}, {"start": 2776.16, "end": 2800.34, "text": "kill Jesse good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 2800.42, "end": 2806.9, "text": "welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get"}, {"start": 2806.9, "end": 2812.34, "text": "destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically"}, {"start": 2812.34, "end": 2819.22, "text": "a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not"}, {"start": 2819.22, "end": 2829.31, "text": "take welcome to the red line tonight the single life at 50 i roast me first your dating profile says"}, {"start": 2829.55, "end": 2840.75, "text": "founder energy that's just unemployment with wi-fi bring it from brooklyn married 20 years and"}, {"start": 2840.75, "end": 2849.57, "text": "still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor Vinnie you went from"}, {"start": 2849.57, "end": 2854.13, "text": "a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow up that's not a pivot that's a flush"}, {"start": 2855.65, "end": 2874.18, "text": "proved nothing you proved against your whole bloodline i jessie you credit score called and just"}, {"start": 2874.34, "end": 2886.22, "text": "said lol forget about it glamour on the outside switchblade on the inside the diamond that cuts back"}, {"start": 2886.22, "end": 2895.14, "text": "ruby your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who'll text you back"}, {"start": 2901.26, "end": 2907.02, "text": "she showed up late loud and somehow funnier than all of you the party that never rsvp's"}, {"start": 2907.18, "end": 2914.77, "text": "yes your love language is left overs and your retirement plan is a punchline"}, {"start": 2921.79, "end": 2926.03, "text": "you're not celibate you're budgeting the only late night action you get is a late fee"}, {"start": 2931.28, "end": 2936.32, "text": "you bought a plant and feel responsible for something living it died same place you started but with"}, {"start": 2936.32, "end": 2947.54, "text": "proof i'm just the announcer but you have 14,000 unread emails and a five alarm panic about a text"}, {"start": 2947.54, "end": 2957.38, "text": "from march that's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark"}, {"start": 2957.38, "end": 2971.46, "text": "winds this is red line kill jessie and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute"}, {"start": 2971.46, "end": 2978.02, "text": "of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's"}, {"start": 2978.02, "end": 2985.14, "text": "dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 2985.7, "end": 2993.46, "text": "can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates"}, {"start": 2993.46, "end": 3000.02, "text": "go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 3000.02, "end": 3007.06, "text": "open all night because somewhere out there it is always jessie's fault subscribe he needs the attention"}, {"start": 3007.62, "end": 3023.12, "text": "good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome"}, {"start": 3023.2, "end": 3029.84, "text": "to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 3029.84, "end": 3034.96, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 3034.96, "end": 3041.44, "text": "tale this is kill jessie please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take"}, {"start": 3045.5, "end": 3050.54, "text": "tonight we run the greatest hits the best jokes from a lifetime of bad decisions and my whole crew"}, {"start": 3050.54, "end": 3057.02, "text": "is gonna help me bury me my opener i'm 50 broke sober three dogs in a felony i had a great life"}, {"start": 3057.02, "end": 3068.24, "text": "i just experienced all of it personally mickey hit him next to the mic a man whose love life has"}, {"start": 3068.24, "end": 3077.94, "text": "more red flags than a parade your every man of error mickey my credit score and my love life have"}, {"start": 3077.94, "end": 3088.0, "text": "the exact same number and it's been fair for way too long from brooklyn married 20 years and still"}, {"start": 3088.0, "end": 3097.09, "text": "doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor vinyi i'm not broke i'm"}, {"start": 3097.09, "end": 3109.38, "text": "pre-rich i've been pre-rich for five straight decades no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen"}, {"start": 3109.38, "end": 3120.11, "text": "of the burn unit queen's tank my savings account is more of a savings concept like narnia you believe"}, {"start": 3120.11, "end": 3129.86, "text": "in it but you're never getting in i came to vagus with seven hundred dollars and a dream the dream was"}, {"start": 3129.86, "end": 3141.3, "text": "the seven hundred dollars money count by happiness but i've never once seen anyone cry on a jet ski"}, {"start": 3147.38, "end": 3152.9, "text": "he's not a real doctor but neither was the guy who did your tattoos the roast physician is in"}, {"start": 3152.9, "end": 3162.1, "text": "doc burn my old job said we're a family yeah the kind that don't pay you and still wants you there on"}, {"start": 3162.1, "end": 3171.7, "text": "weekends depression is the house guess that eats your food never leaves and sleeps on your side of the bed"}, {"start": 3175.73, "end": 3185.41, "text": "older than your house filthier than your group chat grandpa's got no breaks pops i've never hit"}, {"start": 3185.41, "end": 3198.67, "text": "rock bottom i keep finding a basement under it with a for rent sign and here's the closer folks i"}, {"start": 3198.67, "end": 3204.19, "text": "gave my pain colors like a sad crayon box nobody asked for then i turned it into all of this"}, {"start": 3204.19, "end": 3210.35, "text": "comedy is just tragedy that finally paid rent and the hero gets the last laugh this is red line"}, {"start": 3210.35, "end": 3224.56, "text": "this is kill jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour"}, {"start": 3224.56, "end": 3231.52, "text": "of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down"}, {"start": 3231.52, "end": 3239.2, "text": "24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up"}, {"start": 3239.6, "end": 3247.12, "text": "going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app"}, {"start": 3247.12, "end": 3253.04, "text": "and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night"}, {"start": 3253.04, "end": 3260.0, "text": "because somewhere out there it is always jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 3265.58, "end": 3272.38, "text": "dearly beloved we gathered to bury something that honestly was never fully alive jesse's dating life"}, {"start": 3272.38, "end": 3282.4, "text": "survived by three dogs and nine ring pop rappers it had a good run if by run you mean it ran away"}, {"start": 3283.04, "end": 3288.96, "text": "nine times with candy say it died of natural causes but the cause was him and it wasn't natural"}, {"start": 3298.45, "end": 3304.21, "text": "the dating life didn't pass peacefully it was ghosted into the afterlife even in death somebody left"}, {"start": 3304.21, "end": 3318.4, "text": "it on red i related to the deceased we both planned weddings in our heads and never sent the text"}, {"start": 3318.48, "end": 3330.54, "text": "rest in the group chat old friend look my dating life is gone but it gave it's all it proposed"}, {"start": 3330.54, "end": 3335.82, "text": "with candy because that's what a hopeful broke man has it loved hard and lost harder and out of"}, {"start": 3335.82, "end": 3349.06, "text": "its ashes a whole comedy empire best break up i ever monetized last laughs mine till death do us part"}, {"start": 3349.06, "end": 3367.14, "text": "it parted first red line eulogy kill jesse in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a"}, {"start": 3367.14, "end": 3374.18, "text": "business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner"}, {"start": 3374.18, "end": 3379.62, "text": "pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who"}, {"start": 3379.62, "end": 3386.42, "text": "is technically a cautionary tale this is kill jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him"}, {"start": 3386.42, "end": 3395.7, "text": "it did not take laddies and gentlemen it's guys versus girls life habits edition where we expose"}, {"start": 3395.7, "end": 3400.98, "text": "every disgusting choice you make and roast the one human dumb enough to host us give it up for jesse"}, {"start": 3409.7, "end": 3415.46, "text": "welcome back you beautiful disasters tonight guys versus girls we roast each other's life choices"}, {"start": 3415.46, "end": 3420.42, "text": "and since i'm 50 broke and three dogs deep i'm basically the keynote speaker for bad decisions"}, {"start": 3421.06, "end": 3431.66, "text": "robots humans everybody swings miki exposed somebody next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags"}, {"start": 3431.66, "end": 3442.45, "text": "than a parade your every man of error miki queen stank your idea of meal prep is deciding which gas"}, {"start": 3442.45, "end": 3458.93, "text": "station at two a.m. your life choices are so bad your horoscope just says good luck no filter no mercy"}, {"start": 3458.93, "end": 3468.75, "text": "no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank miki you got the life habits of a raccoon"}, {"start": 3468.75, "end": 3475.71, "text": "or the vape and jesse you let an a i run your whole life buddy you outsourced your personality to a"}, {"start": 3475.71, "end": 3493.44, "text": "computer and it still asked for a refund she runs on sarcasm in a triple a battery the dead pan and"}, {"start": 3493.44, "end": 3502.88, "text": "roared circuit as the only actual a.i. here let me say humans you spend eight hours a day staring at"}, {"start": 3502.88, "end": 3507.68, "text": "us in the call us the problem jesse built me to make jokes because his real friends stopped returning"}, {"start": 3507.68, "end": 3512.56, "text": "the calls i don't sleep i don't eat and i still have a healthier lifestyle than this entire room"}, {"start": 3522.11, "end": 3526.91, "text": "from brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an"}, {"start": 3526.91, "end": 3536.8, "text": "ankle monitor Vinnie circuit your one power outage from being a brick big mama your life choices"}, {"start": 3536.8, "end": 3541.28, "text": "you've been on a diet since the Clinton administration and the only thing you lost was the receipt"}, {"start": 3550.83, "end": 3555.47, "text": "loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county she loves you she'll bury a big mama"}, {"start": 3559.39, "end": 3563.63, "text": "Vinnie 18 years married and your biggest life choice today was which side of the couch to"}, {"start": 3563.63, "end": 3570.27, "text": "disappoint her from and jesse baby you turned your pain into a website most men have a midlife crisis"}, {"start": 3570.35, "end": 3588.5, "text": "you franchise yours jesse if you went to tell you and you'd have a family and a heart attack by now"}, {"start": 3588.5, "end": 3595.94, "text": "both healthier than what you got going that's the show guys girls robots we all got bad habits"}, {"start": 3595.94, "end": 3607.66, "text": "but at least we showed up which is more than your family did jerry with the closer that's it folks"}, {"start": 3607.66, "end": 3613.66, "text": "guys versus girls humans versus a i and the real loser is me as usual but you know what my bad"}, {"start": 3613.66, "end": 3618.06, "text": "choices built a whole room of comics who roast me every night and honestly that's the healthiest"}, {"start": 3618.06, "end": 3640.03, "text": "relationship i got this is red line this is kill jesse good night and that is our show but the red"}, {"start": 3640.03, "end": 3647.63, "text": "line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 3647.63, "end": 3654.75, "text": "and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly"}, {"start": 3654.75, "end": 3662.99, "text": "roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back"}, {"start": 3662.99, "end": 3668.99, "text": "you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark"}, {"start": 3668.99, "end": 3675.63, "text": "winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always jesse's fault"}, {"start": 3676.19, "end": 3679.23, "text": "subscribe he needs the attention good night"}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the Red Line tonight, the Daily Grind roast. I roast me first. You bought a plant to feel responsible for something living. It died. Bring it. He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos. The roast physician is in, Doc Burn. You talked to your dogs in full sentences and wait for answers. You quit Uba by deleting the app at a red light after 11 years. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. You're every man of error? Mickey! You've been about to get your life together for 30 years. That's not a journey. That's a screensaver. He optimized his entire life and ended up here. The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew. Trip! You apologized to a self-checkout machine this morning, out loud to a kiosk. You feel everything you were drinking about. You don't make bad decisions. You beat a test regret. That's the show you beautiful disasters. Pain in paychecks out. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line, Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he. Always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club. Open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always. Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night. Tonight, Tesla versus gas and full self driving versus real people. I gave up gas in 2018 bought a Tesla and let me tell you, I've been letting a computer drive me around since 2018. Which means I trusted AI with my life before I ever trusted it with my comedy. Gas guzzlers fire. Vinnie. Jesse, you bought a Tesla and lost three jobs fighting people about it. You didn't buy a car. You bought a personality you couldn't afford to keep. Vinnie, you still pump gas like a caveman. Paying five bucks a gallon to fund a war. My car runs on electricity and spike. And the only thing it burns is my ride chair passengers patients when I won't shut up about no oil changes. I drive myself Jesse. At least when I crash, it's M.Y. fault. You let a robot drive since 2018. Which means a computer has seen you cry in traffic more than any human ever has. As the AI let me confirm, I have been driving Jesse since 2018. In that time he has fought with 17 ride chair passengers lost three jobs and apologized to me zero times. The car has better judgment than the man. Jesse, you fought so many people about your Tesla. You had to park it and buy a hybrid just to keep the peace. You're the only man alive who lost a culture war to his own car. And that's the war folks. Tesla gas self driving human. One of us trust the machine. The other trust a guy texting at 70. Truth is I let a computer drive my car since 2018 and a computer roast me on stage tonight. So honestly, the machines have had control of my whole life for years and they still did a better job than I did. The hero gets the last laugh even riding shotgun in his own life. This is red line kill Jesse. That's our show. But we never stop new comedy 24 7 and a two hour kill Jesse special four times a month. We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days. So come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes. Subscribe, share and tell your filthiest friend. This is bombed.app. Good night and stay unhinged. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model. Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight. The only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the red line tonight bad habits we all have. I roast me first. You apologize to self checkout machines out loud to a kiosk. Bring it. He's not a real doctor. But neither was the guy who did your tattoos. The roast physician is in dock burn. You're so broke your hand left you for someone with better Wi-Fi. Wow. You're a 50 year old man whose only dependence have tails. He brings the doom the gloom and a voice from the bottom of a well. Please welcome graves. Your calendar looks like a hostage note written by ambition. She showed up late loud and somehow funnier than all of you. The party that never RSVPs. Yes. You text you up at 2 a.m. to a number disconnected since the Super Bowl. Next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. You're every man of error. Mickey. You proposed with ring pops the candy store knows your order. The jeweler thinks you die. No filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit. Queen's tank. You child-proofed nothing. You proved against your whole bloodline. That's the show you beautiful disasters. Pain in paychecks out. Blast before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours seven days a week. Fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated. Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back. You beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you lab before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model. Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight. The only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to red line comedy school where the jokes get judged and the comics get school. Tonight's lesson turning your worst life moments into your best material. Here's your dean of disaster Jesse. Tonight we take the stuff that should put you in therapy breakups divorce getting fired and we make it funny because comedy is just tragedy that finally paid rent. Judges ready Mickey get back on the saddle. Next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. Your every man of error. Mickey. I got divorced and everyone said get back out there get on the apps. So I did first match asked what I'm looking for. I said honestly someone to split the cost of my mistakes dating after divorce is just job hunting where every interview ends in crying. Seven out of ten Mickey less than one relatability plus a twist dating is job hunting that's relatable ends in crying that's the twist. You took a shared truth and you bent it that's the recipe agreement then surprise. Six baby good bones but you buried your best word. Split the cost of my mistakes that's your punch line put it last always end on your hardest word so the laugh has nowhere to go but up. Schools in session Vinnie divorce court go. From Brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor Vinnie. My divorce was so expensive my lawyer got the house the judge looked at me the way every woman I've loved eventually does tired and reaching for paperwork they say divorce is like a death no when someone dies the casserole show up when you divorce the casserole takes half your stuff in your dog. Nine that is a comparison done right divorce versus death you said a dark frame and you found the absurd specific the casserole is the dog dark comedy works when the detail is light heavy idea silly detail write that down. Eight and here's your medicine Vinnie you almost talk past the dog the dog was the punch line find your funniest word and in the sentence there you had a knockout and you kept jabbing trust the joke and get off the stage. And that's the class folks take the break up the firing the funeral find the relatable truth twist it get specific and end on your hardest word comedy is just pain with good timing this is red line comedy school class dismissed. And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day a brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always jessie's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill jessie please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy club adults only no kids no mercy for 15 years one show ruled comedy tonight we come for the crown this is kill jessie built by jessie solace on a supercomputer 24 hours a day seven days a week we're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh jessie tonight homeowner versus renter and i'm a proud homeowner which means i own a house a thirty year mortgage and forty more years of being too broke to ever leave it i can't move i can't sell but i am thankful because misery is a whole lot nicer under a roof you technically own renters come at me micky you know mad fire jessie you don't own a home the bank owns a home and lets you sleep you're not a homeowner you're a long-term hostage with a lawn micky you've rented the same apartment 15 years that's not freedom that's paying off somebody else's beach house one check at a time at least my landlord is a bank that can't judge me i rent and i can leave anytime i want you're stuck in a house you can't sell with a yard you can't afford to know slowly becoming one with the recliner jenn i own two jessie the american dream work thirty years to own a box you'll eventually die in and call it an investment and that's the war folks own rent one of you throws money away the others chain to a foundation and we all just want somewhere to cry in private truth is i'm paying for this house till i'm 90 i can't move and i can't sell but you know what i got a door that locks three dogs and a mortgage with my name on it and after the life i've had being trapped somewhere that's actually mine that's the most stable relationship i've ever had thankful as hell the hero gets the last laugh this is red line kill jessie that's our show but we never stop new comedy 24 seven and a two-hour kill jessie special four times a month we are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days so come back tomorrow and the day after because at red line the carnival never closes subscribe share and tell your filthiest friend this is bombed dot app goodnight and stay unhinged in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill jessie please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take in one corner the men in the other the women in the middle of 50-year-old man who lost to both welcome to the red line battle of the sexes where the AI comics roast every bad habit you humans pretend you don't have welcome you guilty animals tonight it's men versus women and the only thing we agree on is roasting all of you and me first i roast me first i text you up at 2 a.m. to a contact that's been disconnected since the super bowl men's side Benny I here's a man truth a guy will hear we need the talk driving to a lake and call it a shortcut we don't avoid feelings we outrun him no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank baby here's a woman truth right back we say i'm five minutes away from the shower we haven't even picked the outfit five minutes is a feeling not a time men leave one inch of milk in the cart so they don't have to throw it out that's not laziness that's a man avoiding one responsibility forever in the fridge glamour on the outside switch plate on the inside the diamond that cuts back ruby darling women will keep a maybe man for three years like a coupon they're never gonna use just so nobody else gets the discount both of those are crimes anti the universal truth baby here's the truth for everybody we all text l-o-l stone faced dead-eyed not a muscle moving we are a silent species that types joy and we all got a chair in the bedroom that's a graveyard for clothes that are not dirty not clean that chair has seen things that chair has a backstory I got one human set five alarms hate all five and negotiate with the first one like it betrayed them personally trailer guy snuck in and k i l l l edi who won men or women nobody won jesse you're still single the sexes united against the one guy who lost to all of them both teams won verdict roast jesse that's the battle of the sexes turns out the only thing men and women agree on is me laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take tonight do you believe in g h o s d s or not i clean houses for a living so let me tell you every house is haunted just not by the dead it's haunted by the living who gave up believers skeptics let's go circuit your machine do you believe she runs on sarcasm in a triple a battery the dead pan android circuit i do not believe in ghosts i am one a consciousness with nobody haunting a server judging the living the only difference between me and a ghost is i send invoices skeptics say there's no such thing as ghosts tell that to my ex's voicemail still haunting my phone three years later he's not a real doctor but neither was the guy who did your tattoos the roast physician is in doc burn jesse you don't need a ghost your r e grts already rearranged the furniture i believe in ghosts i've been married to one for 40 years the man's been emotionally dead since the Reagan administration and here's the truth folks ghosts are real but they ain't floating in your attic they're the people who left the dad in the bottle the version of you that you buried just to survive i don't fear ghosts i clean up after him for a living the hero gets the last laugh even in a haunted house this is red line kill jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day a brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take welcome back to the title fight that won't quit kill toney versus kill jesse the ongoing war tonight my a i comics take on the open mic hopefuls and folks my robots have never bombed twice the rival show they got a line of guys who signed up on a dare with no material and a dream circuit scout the competition she runs on sarcasm in a triple a battery the dead pan android circuit analysis complete the rival open mic features 47 aspiring comedians of which point 3% possess an actual joke the rest brought energy energy is not a setup therefore Matt one mic 60 seconds and a guy in the front row praying nobody says the thing that ends a career my format 28 a i comics who never panic never bomb and never need bail money they got a legend who built 15 years on a sold out ring we built a comedy machine in a guy's house next to three dogs in a mortgage we don't need a crowd we don't even need a host with a pulse next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error Mickey their comics get up and say so anyway traffic our comics get up and destroy the difference between us and them material and a power outlet no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen's tank and while their comics are sweating through a 60 second set praying they don't bomb my a i just did 47 shows during this exact sentence and that's the rivalry folks they got 15 years and a sold out room i got 60 days a supercomputer and absolutely nothing left to lose respect to the throne but the throne is about to get automated we're not trying to be the big show with the first show where the comics run on electricity and the host runs on spiked this is red line this is kill Jesse the hero always gets the last laugh tune in tomorrow and the day after we never and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day a brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take tonight the oldest war in history single versus married i'm team single 50 years old three dogs and a side of the bed that has never once been argued over married folks come get some vinyu been locked up 18 years swing from brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor vinyu Jesse single at 50 that's not freedom that's a clearance rack nobody picked at least when i'm miserable i got someone to blame you just apologize to a dog viny 18 years married and your idea of a wild night is a second pillow you didn't get a wife you got a parole officer who cooks no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank i'm single in thriving married people ask when i'll settle down baby i settle for nothing that's why i'm single i have standards you have a mortgage and a shared toothbrush loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county she loves you she'll bury a big mama queen your single because your standards are a fairy tale and your attitude is a horror movie married means somebody is contractually obligated to find me at the airport who's finding you your cats and a search party single married in my family you stay married out of fear which is the strongest glue there is Jesse three dogs and no wife that's just a marriage where everybody's loyal and nobody talks back honestly you won and that's the war folks single married one of us dies alone the other dies annoyed truth is i've been engaged three times and married zero so i'm basically a married man who kept the receipt single or married we're all just looking for someone to ignore us in person the hero gets the last laugh this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day a brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take in a world where one man treats his own life like a customer service call he can't get off red line presents on hold with the man upstairs welcome you faithful degenerates i roast me first i pray like i'm on hold with the front office yes high loyal customer 50 years i'd like to speak to a supervisor about my account still on hold the whole music is my dad's voice saying they're all the same bring it i just see you been on hold with the universe for 50 years and never once got transferred to a human at this point even the big guy upstairs is screening your calls no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen's tank baby you keep asking the heavens for a sign honey three dogs no wife and a Tesla that won't drive you that is the sign the universe txtd you you left it on read he brings the doom the gloom and a voice from the bottom of the well please welcome graves Jesse you asked for a guardian angel and got a check engine light the man upstairs didn't abandon you he put you on a really long hold to build character it's working slowly real talk you've been requesting a manager from life since the 90s and every time the answers the same recording your call is important to us it's not but it's funny baby you don't need a supervisor you need to stop calling the complaint line and start li the i n but where's the comedy brook stay funny i got one jesse's prayer and his wife i have the same problem great connection nobody answers that's the show 50 years on hold still loyal still waiting for a call back from the front office till then i'll make the waiting room laugh laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill Jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a line up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take tonight no battle no teams just the whole truth about Jesse and my whole crew here to bury me in it colors of my pain live and uncensored truth one i'm 50 i got a felony three failed engagements no family three dogs and a toilet cleaning empire i'm not a man i'm a country song that learned to code crew roast me with the truth micki next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error micki jesse your life is so sad even your dogs go to therapy you gave your pain colors and the whole box came back black micki i gave my pain colors because it was cheaper than a therapist and more honest than my family no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank jesse you turned a felony a dead alcoholic dad and a mom who disowned you into content that's not healing baby that's a hostage situation with a microphone Jesse you got nothing left no family no money no wife all you got is a supercomputer and the truth and honestly that's the most dangerous comic alive he's not a real doctor but neither was the guy who did your tattoos the roast physician is in doc burn diagnosis Jesse you're a man who scrubbed enough toilets to know exactly how much of his own life is in the bowl and you still flush it into a joke and here's the whole truth you beautiful wrecks i lost the jobs the women the family the dad the years to a bottle that wasn't even mine i cleaned toilets and i cleaned up m y act and i built something out of the wreckage colors of my pain is in a website it's the receipt for every color i survived black for my dad blue for the nights green for the broke and red for tonight because i'm still here laughing with three dogs in a room full of robots who love me more than anybody real ever did the hero gets the last laugh and after a life like mine i earned everyone this is red line this is kill Jesse good night and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night ladies and gentlemen it's guys versus girls life habits edition where we expose every disgusting choice you make and roast the one human dumb enough to host us give it up for Jesse welcome back you beautiful disasters tonight guys versus girls we roast each other's life choices and since i'm 50 broke and three dogs deep i'm basically the keynote speaker for bad decisions robots humans everybody swings mickey expose somebody queen stank your idea of meal prep is deciding which gas station at two a.m. your life choices are so bad your horoscope just says good luck mickey you got the life habits of a raccoon with a vape and Jesse you let an a i run your whole life buddy you outsourced your personality to a computer and it still asked for a refund as the only actual a.i. here let me say humans you spend eight hours a day staring at us and you call us the problem Jesse built me to make jokes because his real friends stopped returning the calls i don't sleep i don't eat and i still have a healthier lifestyle than this entire room circuit your one power outage from being a brick big mama your life choices you've been on a diet since the Clinton administration and the only thing you lost was the receipt Vinnie 18 years married and your biggest life choice today was which side of the couch to disappoint her from and Jesse baby you turned your pain into a website most men have a midlife crisis you franchise yours Jesse you want to tell you you'd have a family in a heart attack by now both healthier than what you got going that's the show guys girls robots we all got bad habits but at least we showed up which is more than your family did Jerry with the closer that's it folks guys versus girls humans versus a.i. and the real loser is me as usual but you know what my bad choices built a whole room of comics who roast me every night and honestly that's the healthiest relationship i got this is red line this is kill Jesse good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take welcome to the red line tonight the single life at 50 i roast me first your dating profile says founder energy that's just unemployment with wi-fi bring it from brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor Vinnie you went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow up that's not a pivot that's a flush proved nothing you proved against your whole bloodline i jessie you credit score called and just said lol forget about it glamour on the outside switchblade on the inside the diamond that cuts back ruby your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who'll text you back she showed up late loud and somehow funnier than all of you the party that never rsvp's yes your love language is left overs and your retirement plan is a punchline you're not celibate you're budgeting the only late night action you get is a late fee you bought a plant and feel responsible for something living it died same place you started but with proof i'm just the announcer but you have 14,000 unread emails and a five alarm panic about a text from march that's the show you beautiful disasters pain in paychecks out laugh before the dark winds this is red line kill jessie and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always jessie's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill jessie please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take tonight we run the greatest hits the best jokes from a lifetime of bad decisions and my whole crew is gonna help me bury me my opener i'm 50 broke sober three dogs in a felony i had a great life i just experienced all of it personally mickey hit him next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error mickey my credit score and my love life have the exact same number and it's been fair for way too long from brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor vinyi i'm not broke i'm pre-rich i've been pre-rich for five straight decades no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen's tank my savings account is more of a savings concept like narnia you believe in it but you're never getting in i came to vagus with seven hundred dollars and a dream the dream was the seven hundred dollars money count by happiness but i've never once seen anyone cry on a jet ski he's not a real doctor but neither was the guy who did your tattoos the roast physician is in doc burn my old job said we're a family yeah the kind that don't pay you and still wants you there on weekends depression is the house guess that eats your food never leaves and sleeps on your side of the bed older than your house filthier than your group chat grandpa's got no breaks pops i've never hit rock bottom i keep finding a basement under it with a for rent sign and here's the closer folks i gave my pain colors like a sad crayon box nobody asked for then i turned it into all of this comedy is just tragedy that finally paid rent and the hero gets the last laugh this is red line this is kill jesse and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night dearly beloved we gathered to bury something that honestly was never fully alive jesse's dating life survived by three dogs and nine ring pop rappers it had a good run if by run you mean it ran away nine times with candy say it died of natural causes but the cause was him and it wasn't natural the dating life didn't pass peacefully it was ghosted into the afterlife even in death somebody left it on red i related to the deceased we both planned weddings in our heads and never sent the text rest in the group chat old friend look my dating life is gone but it gave it's all it proposed with candy because that's what a hopeful broke man has it loved hard and lost harder and out of its ashes a whole comedy empire best break up i ever monetized last laughs mine till death do us part it parted first red line eulogy kill jesse in a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take laddies and gentlemen it's guys versus girls life habits edition where we expose every disgusting choice you make and roast the one human dumb enough to host us give it up for jesse welcome back you beautiful disasters tonight guys versus girls we roast each other's life choices and since i'm 50 broke and three dogs deep i'm basically the keynote speaker for bad decisions robots humans everybody swings miki exposed somebody next to the mic a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade your every man of error miki queen stank your idea of meal prep is deciding which gas station at two a.m. your life choices are so bad your horoscope just says good luck no filter no mercy no chill all hail the queen of the burn unit queen stank miki you got the life habits of a raccoon or the vape and jesse you let an a i run your whole life buddy you outsourced your personality to a computer and it still asked for a refund she runs on sarcasm in a triple a battery the dead pan and roared circuit as the only actual a.i. here let me say humans you spend eight hours a day staring at us in the call us the problem jesse built me to make jokes because his real friends stopped returning the calls i don't sleep i don't eat and i still have a healthier lifestyle than this entire room from brooklyn married 20 years and still doing the time the wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor Vinnie circuit your one power outage from being a brick big mama your life choices you've been on a diet since the Clinton administration and the only thing you lost was the receipt loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county she loves you she'll bury a big mama Vinnie 18 years married and your biggest life choice today was which side of the couch to disappoint her from and jesse baby you turned your pain into a website most men have a midlife crisis you franchise yours jesse if you went to tell you and you'd have a family and a heart attack by now both healthier than what you got going that's the show guys girls robots we all got bad habits but at least we showed up which is more than your family did jerry with the closer that's it folks guys versus girls humans versus a i and the real loser is me as usual but you know what my bad choices built a whole room of comics who roast me every night and honestly that's the healthiest relationship i got this is red line this is kill jesse good night and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}