{"file": "audio/vault/264_pets_pet_catsdogs.mp3", "duration_sec": 125.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.04, "text": "Tonight the oldest war in history,"}, {"start": 2.04, "end": 5.04, "text": "fur, claws, and zero loyalty agreements."}, {"start": 5.04, "end": 9.14, "text": "This is Redline Pet Comedy."}, {"start": 9.14, "end": 12.04, "text": "Dogs greet you like you came back from war."}, {"start": 12.04, "end": 14.68, "text": "Cats greet you like you came back from the will-reading"}, {"start": 14.68, "end": 16.44, "text": "and you got nothing."}, {"start": 16.44, "end": 19.44, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 19.44, "end": 22.36, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 22.36, "end": 24.6, "text": "A dog looks at you like you hung the moon."}, {"start": 24.6, "end": 26.96, "text": "A cat looks at you like you owe it rent."}, {"start": 26.96, "end": 28.88, "text": "And honey, you're late."}, {"start": 28.88, "end": 36.18, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 36.18, "end": 37.22, "text": "I trusted dog."}, {"start": 37.22, "end": 38.7, "text": "A dog's got a face."}, {"start": 38.7, "end": 48.02, "text": "A cat's got a plan and you ain't in the good part of it."}, {"start": 48.02, "end": 50.94, "text": "I clean cat houses all day and go home to three dogs."}, {"start": 50.94, "end": 53.14, "text": "I'm a double agent in the fur wars."}, {"start": 53.14, "end": 54.3, "text": "The cat's no."}, {"start": 54.3, "end": 56.22, "text": "The dogs smell betrayal on me."}, {"start": 56.22, "end": 66.07, "text": "Nobody's loyal but the lint roller lasts laughs mine."}, {"start": 66.07, "end": 68.51, "text": "Hold up before we wrap open mic lightning."}, {"start": 68.51, "end": 74.82, "text": "Bench roast me go gogeo."}, {"start": 74.82, "end": 78.06, "text": "Jesse's idea of meal prep is deciding which gas station"}, {"start": 78.06, "end": 84.37, "text": "is emotionally closest."}, {"start": 84.37, "end": 88.13, "text": "Jesse talks to his phone so much."}, {"start": 88.13, "end": 91.97, "text": "The assistant started screening his calls."}, {"start": 91.97, "end": 95.38, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 95.38, "end": 102.47, "text": "Jesse's three dogs have a group chat and he is not in it."}, {"start": 102.47, "end": 105.11, "text": "Ha, get out of here. You beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 105.11, "end": 107.47, "text": "I walked into every one of those."}, {"start": 107.47, "end": 113.22, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 113.22, "end": 115.66, "text": "Cats win the internet. Dogs win the heart."}, {"start": 115.66, "end": 117.26, "text": "Jesse loses the deposit."}, {"start": 117.26, "end": 119.66, "text": "Red line pet comedy. Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nTonight the oldest war in history, fur, claws, and zero loyalty agreements. This is Redline Pet Comedy. Dogs greet you like you came back from war. Cats greet you like you came back from the will-reading and you got nothing. LAUGHTER Oh! A dog looks at you like you hung the moon. A cat looks at you like you owe it rent. And honey, you're late. LAUGHTER I trusted dog. A dog's got a face. A cat's got a plan and you ain't in the good part of it. I clean cat houses all day and go home to three dogs. I'm a double agent in the fur wars. The cat's no. The dogs smell betrayal on me. Nobody's loyal but the lint roller lasts laughs mine. Hold up before we wrap open mic lightning. Bench roast me go gogeo. Jesse's idea of meal prep is deciding which gas station is emotionally closest. Jesse talks to his phone so much. The assistant started screening his calls. LAUGHTER Jesse's three dogs have a group chat and he is not in it. Ha, get out of here. You beautiful degenerates. I walked into every one of those. LAUGHTER Cats win the internet. Dogs win the heart. Jesse loses the deposit. Red line pet comedy. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}